Saturday, January 28, 2017
I came for my drinking and stayed for my thinking. That's a slogan in the program. And I certainly have stayed for my thinking. These last few weeks have certainly showed me that. Last night the guy and I got into an argument. I believe it was meant to be a healthy discussion but that's now how it ended. Then it went over into today and culminated in me smacking the shit out of myself. Then he suggested I call my therapist which I did. She asked me to stop doing that to myself and we spoke and she suggested I just spend some time alone - which I did - for the entire rest of the day and I finally started to feel a tiny bit better a little while ago. I did some step work and I just was able to see - something. Who knows what - I'm too fucking tired now to delve too deeply into anything or even remember what all the details are. I just know I'm an alcoholic with negative thinking and depressive behavior. Maybe I do remember. Anyway - I'm better than I was years ago but for some fucking reason I am dipping back into the depression and the sadness. I'm sure it's my father - how can it not be?? Am I supposed to be OVER it? It's been 7 months so who cares?? No. I don't know. I felt like I had so much to say and that it was important to say and now I just want to watch Friends. What the fuck am I going to do when the last episode plays? My GOD - anything! I could start watching Law and Order from the beginning again - that was amazing. Watching a show before and after plastic surgery that has a lot of older actors on it is fascinating - holy shit. Anyway I guess I still have a lot of negative thinking and maybe one day those grooves in my brain will move over and start a new path. How do people do it? How do I keep going? I can't keep slapping myself but it's better than slapping someone else right? Maybe no one should get slapped. Maybe I need to meditate more - even though I meditate a lot. It's okay - it's just a dip. Bye.
Wednesday, January 25, 2017
I mean that in the good way. This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat." DARK - it was so dark. Sad. Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else. I landed in it. So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it. So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already. Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am, I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful. I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real. I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess. I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real. It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy. But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself. OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT??? Right? Jesus Fucking Christ. So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares? Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes? Who cares? I am a good person. I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature. And it doesn't matter. It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter. Who cares. I don't care. I do not fucking care anymore. I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine. I have to go. I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!! Oh my God I just want to go sit in it. Love you Bluebie bye.
Monday, January 16, 2017
Christ I am blue. I just feel so fucking sad. I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed. Like a chemical thing. It's okay. I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins. PLENTY. I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow. I don't know - Winter stinks that's all. Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me. This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello. I am helping them yes but not with math! Not at all - can't do it. I'm basically a babysitter. I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next. Till then I can get some experience here. I am fucking exhausted. Jesus. I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired. See? I'm depressed. It's okay. I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay. It feels necessary and I'm not sure why. I miss my mother. I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there. Ah - it's so sad to me. Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings. The worst - it's sickening. Do you know what makes me feel better? Friends. I just watch Friends. All the time. Every night. Sometimes during the day. It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better. I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough. At all. I need to hustle and get some shows. Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen. Okay - well this has been lovely no? Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.
Friday, January 6, 2017
So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing. I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation. The first day did not go well. It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car. I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car. Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved. Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!" Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me. Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it. The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable. I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else. How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable? I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy. I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions? And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job. I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me? They are sweet - the parents seem very nice. Is it a good fit? I have no idea. I'm so confused. I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to. WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME? Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time? CHRIST. And still - I have no fucking energy. I'm so fucking tired all the time. I put myself to sleep. I pray & meditate. I write in my journal. I have been exercising. Maybe I need to dance and listen to music. That would help. Right? OH BOY. What is good? What is positive? I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great. I had fun grocery shopping. Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman. Good God. I have never even had a career and now I'm retired. I need LIFE. I need A LIFE. I need passion and inspiration. I NEED TO LAY DOWN. Love you Bluebie bye.