Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Who cares?

I mean that in the good way.  This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat."  DARK - it was so dark.  Sad.  Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else.  I landed in it.  So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it.  So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already.  Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am,  I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful.  I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real.  I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess.  I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real.  It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy.  But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself.  OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT???  Right?  Jesus Fucking Christ.  So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares?  Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes?  Who cares?  I am a good person.  I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature.  And it doesn't matter.  It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter.  Who cares.  I don't care.  I do not fucking care anymore.  I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine.  I have to go.  I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!!  Oh my God I just want to go sit in it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

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