Wednesday, January 25, 2017
I mean that in the good way. This last month found me super depressed - very dark - very "What's the point and I'm a failure and for some reason I can't get off the couch I need to eat I need to eat I need to eat." DARK - it was so dark. Sad. Just old, old sadness and I'm sure the new sadness of losing my father and who knows what else. I landed in it. So I went to the holistic doctor again (the snake doctor) and he gave me some stuff but more that that he said I was depressed and validated that I would be and made me feel like there was something that could be done about it. So what in the fuck is my point I forgot already. Oh yes......what also happened was these negative thought loops came up again - about other people and mistakes I have made and all the examples of what a piece of shit I am, I mean holy shit - just pervasive and like a mental attack of myself - awful. I just have this image of my mind being in space and it just being attacked Star Wars style - just shit coming at my mind rapid fire and so quickly and strongly that I just can't get away from it or even tell it's not real. I mean it's real it's just not out of my control I guess. I feel like the worst part of those thoughts is they seem so real. It's all the proof - all the proof of why I should never and can never be happy. But not only that - I should also be ashamed of myself. OH MY GOD HOW AWFUL IS THAT??? Right? Jesus Fucking Christ. So today - today I am meditating and I realize who cares? Who cares if I did make tons of mistakes? Who cares? I am a good person. I love my family and I have cleaned up so much of my life and I work so hard at growing, loving and changing my nature. And it doesn't matter. It's just some stuck groove in my brain - it's not real and it doesn't matter. Who cares. I don't care. I do not fucking care anymore. I will make more mistakes and it's fucking fine. I have to go. I have so much shit to do today and it's actually SUNNY out right now!! Oh my God I just want to go sit in it. Love you Bluebie bye.