Oh my BLOG.

Ugh I am so tired and overstimulated. This is my3rd double in a row and my 6th shift at someplace working. I am so nuts. I am also so sad and I am so sad for my mother. It's so upsetting. Okay I just got off the phone with Her LAdy Wonder and I feel much better. I have to go - I will write more tomorrow. I love you Bluebie even though I am not writing on you!!!

Christmas time is almost here.....

and I actually am able to buy gifts for nieces and nephews!! That is a sure switch from last year. It also has been a year since I started to see the Snake Doctor. Let's see - what else? I stopped myself from buying really expensive boots that I wasn't sure about last night - that was good. I ordered the air purifier so let's see how the cigarette saga continues after that arrives. Hopefully it will be fine - I mean hopefully it will work!! I feel like I did that from a place of power. I did something to try to fix the situation (let's hope it works) instead of just constantly getting mad about it and trying to make it stop. Or spitting out the window. I am so over living here. That being said - I reaaaaally need to - well do what I did - I ordered an air purifier. I just look like I smoke cigarettes and I feel like it too. Maybe a part of it is the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me for my Lyme disease. Hold on I'm going to look this up in my Louis L.Hay book. I just researched a ton of stuff and I seriously wonder if a lot of my problems are from this freaking Lyme disease. I didn't realize you get co-infections from the disease. Gross. I have to go. Bye Bluebie - I love you.

So.

What do I say? How do I write authentically? I am sad and I felt pretty sick for awhile today. Grief really hits me in the stomach. I made phone calls and I asked the owner of the store to let me not come in next Monday and Tuesday so that I can be with my family. She was so nice - eventually and said I could close the store. I realized at one point that I was completely dehydrated. I really start going nuts when I am dehydrated. Ugh - so I am not in love with that acting teacher anymore - I got over it in my sleep. Do you know what else I REALLY realized? I feel the same way around him that I feel around some other people in my life - where I feel like I don't exist a little bit. I mean - he was so great - so nice - he said he was so glad I came in and that life is short and that we have the comedy club connection - small world!! I didn't feel beautiful or hmmmm - like he really saw me. What? Also - he had me read this monologue and it was for this older woman. Um - then he said I should work on that. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? I seriously have to get myself in shape so I stop feeling old and gross. I can still be perfectly lovely and not care that I am older. He thumbed through the book for awhile before he found that one. I mean I guess it is a book of people looking back on their lives so maybe they are all older? I have the book right here why don't I read it? Why don't I ever read anything while I am here? All I do is look at boots - it's so fucking weird. It's like I won't let myself REALLY take care of myself. What did she call it the other night? "Another level of self-care." I need to go to so many other levels of self-care. I loved being in that bookstore last night so much. I love books - I love words. Why won't I let myself have that more often? It's like a flexible thing maybe? How about making it something to work towards. Another level of self-care. I'm going to go and write a gratitude list. Byeeeee.

I'm so sad - I feel so sick.

Why do these things happen? I already know the answer and I don't know why I'm asking. I just don't want to feel this way and I'm so sad. I hate not getting to say goodbye and this is way too hard to talk about with anyone. I made it through my day - I stayed on schedule and now I feel so lonely and it has been freezing all night long. I just got so mad about there being no heat on - I swore and I slammed the door and then he finally turned it on. Jesus. I don't mean it was a little cold - I mean the radiator was completely cold - NO HEAT. Then all of a sudden the water comes flowing through the radiator. I don't know how I am going to make it through work tomorrow. I have to ask her for a couple days off after Christmas otherwise I will only be able to be home for one day. Actually I will just tell her I can't be back till Wednesday. You know what? I am so glad I am writing this - that is exactly what I am going to do. Now I went on the audition and it turns out the guy auditioning me worked at the same comedy club I did and had an insane, abusive experience there also. He however feels like he is on the other side and - made something of himself. He was really cute, and vulnerable. He was also very serious but he did have a sense of humor. He asked me who I was talking to in my monologue and I said "A therapist." He said "A therapist?" Then I said "Honestly I have no idea who I am talking to." He laughed and said "Okay." It was so bad. Then I did my own written monologue and that was much better and I am going back for a second audition. He had me read out of a book and that was fantastic. He kept saying "I want to see if there is a live egg inside of you" which was making me crazy because I'm 40 and I kept thinking "There MIGHT be a live egg inside me - I'm so desperate - he is so cute - I'm so old - I have my period - dead eggs." I'm not sure if that was everything I thought but I did leave thinking he loved me and then there was the MOST beautiful YOUNG (but not TOO young) woman waiting to audition and he said - in this really manly, charming voice "Is there an Olivia here?" and she said "This is Olivia!!!" He said "This is Olivia!!!!" and then they went into the studio and fell in love while I cried hysterically in the bathroom. For serious. Holy fucking shit - what? I crushed on this guy - sort of - he wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise - then I got jealous and it was over all in about 30 minutes. Um - what? Fucking Olivia. I feel so sick. How am I going to do Christmas and get through this week? I just have to keep taking care of myself. I have to go floss. I already showered and lotioned for bed. I have clothes in the dryer. I went and bought the book he had me read out of. It is a beautiful and sad book of poetry. I'm so lonely. It has been so long since someone loved me. I honestly could not even finish typing that before I started laughing. I mean it's true but COME ON. Give me a fucking break. If I really need someone to love me and hold me I can get ANY dude to do that. Please. One day at a time - focus on the program. Breathe. Love. Pray. Meditate. Masturbate. Move. Eat healthy. Fell my feelings. Write FB comments and delete them. Everything will be okay. Barf - such painful barf.

Ugh - hard days.

Something terrible happened and I just really can't write the details. I am awake and I did the right things to take care of myself yesterday and so far today. I also took good care of myself Friday and Saturday even though it was so hard to do. The cigarette smoke really bothers me. Last night while I was walking the dog out back Boris smoked out front. Then for the rest of the night he smoked under my window. IT filled my room up - you could see it. This morning it woke me up. I pray for acceptance all the time. Okay. It's just so sad for the dog too. I have to find a way to really accept it and this week I am going to get an air purifier. Yes - yes I am. Ugh - this is so strange. Life is so painful. I fell so blessed and was reminded this morning while praying and meditating how I have been graced with a second chance at life and how not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone has the opportunity to get sober. I don't even know if that's what I mean. How was it put in what I read "By the grace of God - there go I." What? I am trying so hard to make sense. I have this audition today - I really like the monologue and I have it memorized. I want to go back to bed. I'm so sad and I also - this is so awful - I don't want to deal with it. My feelings or anyone else's. I just want to lay down. I don't feel like going on this audition - what's the point? Why bother? I am going though. I already got up and did my holistic stuff for my Lyme Disease that the Snake Doctor is finally giving me - I cried when he told me how much it will help me. I prayed and meditated, fed the dog, made my bed and deleted the nasty thing I wrote on FB about the cigarette smoke. I should go spruce up my resume and get in the shower. I will let you know how it goes. The Snake Doctor said I need to get to a place of power again with the cigarette smoke. Okay - well hopefully the air purifier will help with that. Did I write that already? So confused - I feel like I wiegh 1000 pounds.

Tall Not So Dark And Creepy is SCOOTING AROUND

ON HIS ASS because he broke his foot. Um really? He is dragging himself around the house on his ass even though they gave him a cast and he already owns canes from when he "Couldn't balance" last year from his inner ear problem. Inner ear meaning brain. Am I so mean? I mean COME ON!! He doesn't even wear the cast because he said it hurts. What? I think the reason why it bothers me is because it all seems so inauthentic. This cold is so awful and Boris is going to TOWN smoking cigarettes outside. How does he even afford them? He doesn't work and I don't believe for 2 seconds Creepy would give him money for them. I just sneezed and peed a little bit. Then the dog came running over and jumped on me. She always does that when I sneeze. Well - okay so there you go. I have a cold, I am alive and okay and I still live in a nut house. I am going to the Snake Doctor tomorrow anyway so maybe he can help me with this. Maybe? I mean he CAN. Jeez. Okay I have this audition on Monday and now I don't know if I should go. I am going to call someone and ask them about it. WOW - I feel so GROSS but OKAY. HA - weird. I talked to my sister today and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! Bye.

Good Morning!

It's 7:23 a.m. So early!! I woke up early and I couldn't get back to sleep so I just got up. I am probably up at what time I'm supposed to be waking up at!! Holy cow this cold is wicked. I drank a shitload of antioxidant tea and Immune Support tea, I took vitamin e, vitamin c, vitamin d and hot hot and sour soup with extra hot oil. My face felt so good after the hot soup!! I also found some hand sanitizer with lotion so I'm bringing that to work. I didn't realize that the cold/flu bug thrives on cold and dryness. Well that explains flu season!!! I also washed my winter coat. That should help my cold right? I don't think I will be able to travel this weekend. I have to call my sister and ask her - tell her? I shouldn't be around a newborn anyway. I'm going to pray and meditate now. I found out that vitamin e is really good for PMS. Guess who has PMS??? This is a riveting blog post. I also got myself rain/snow boots so I don't have to walk around with wet feet. That felt so good to do for myself. I ordered them from Zappos!! I have never done that before. They are super sturdy and cute and they fit!! Reviews are so helpful - I might actually write one for these. Byeee Blueberry!!

Hi - it's Wednesday and I have a cold.....

but I am okay. THANK GOD RIGHT? Seriously - thank God. I went to that meeting last night and it was so great. I felt so much better and I left and went home and got hot and sour soup and it was soooo good. I also got chicken fingers. I left and took care of myself and thank God because I had enough time to go home, run an errand, get myself soup, clean my clothes and get myself all ready for bed. Also I realized - what's the point of being sober if I exhaust myself hanging out with people when I should be at home taking care of myself and resting. Then I get angry and that is such a waste of energy. A waste of my life force. It has been so busy here today at the boutique!! It is so hard for me to say no or even get away from people when I need to take care of myself or when I feel need coming from them. Am I really being helpful if I need to get home, take care of myself and rest but instead I hang out and then get angry about it? More than that half the time I am just curious about what is going on and that is so unhealthy. I'm so embarrassed to write that but it's true. Barf so much. Well I'm over doing that to myself thank you very much. Jesus. I wore a white sweater today and a blue bra with hot pink stars all over it. Oh - okay - no one will notice your bra. Who cares? Well so I have on a scarf from here on over my sweater. Holy fuck it's hot. Okay - so here are the 2 things Miss Jones told me I need to be careful of....1. Over stimulation. 2. Saying yes when I mean no and caring how people feel but more importantly thinking I can't say NO. I don't know if that's what she said - I'm so tired. This cold is kicking my ass kind of. I have to call Her Lady Wonder. Bye Bluebie!!

Hi Bluebie.

I'm here a the boutique and it's the end of the day. It was quiet today and boring. I am trying to ween myself off of coffee and spending a million dollars on delivery food. I left today and went and got myself water which was great. I got a burger without fries and I only ate half of it. Miracles really do happen. I managed to not order anything else and I am bored out of my mind. I looked at boots online for 5 hours. I can't afford any right now and all I want to do is buy boots. I don't even NEED boots. I really don't. Do you know what I was going to do instead? Buy and orange dress and nude pumps. Um - what? So instead of spending money I can't spend on boots - I was going to spend it on a dress and shoes?? How insane is that? What the heck? Am I really going to be single forever? Is that the rest of my life? How crazy is that?? I really did the best job I cold taking care of myself yesterday and today. I went to bed - I got ready for bed, I cleaned the humidifier, I put on clean pj's, I prayed and meditated when I woke up, I took a shower and I didn't just totally stuff my face while I was here. I didn't get to walk the dog - I was running so late and honestly I would have been just as late if I walked her. She was so confused. I need hand creme. Oh I also gave myself a manicure last night. Jeez. I went to therapy and a meeting and avoided hanging out with people because I knew it would make me angry and not get enough rest. My shoulders hurt. I'm going to go now. Once again I love you Blueberry - thank you for listening.

Hiiii Monday!!

Look at me - I'm writing!! I did the show last night at work and it was fun - I messed up a little bit but it was funny. The Mac and Cheese competition was also funny - cute - I'm so glad we did it. I didn't really win but I said I did. I made it here at the house and thank God that for most of the time they were at breakfast. As soon as they came in the house Creepy said something about vomit flying out of his mouth the first time he smelled Mac and Cheese. This is from the man who also said he got sick from tofu and chocolate and if I told you the number of times he ate cheese, tofu, and chocolate in front of me - it would be insane. I get it - sort of. What I really get is that I want to move. I made my vision board bigger - it's going to be a vision wall. The party was okay last night and I didn't go out with everyone afterwards because they all went to bars. I don't know - I guess I should ask Her Lady Wonder about that. I have the day off - I cancelled the show I was going to go to at 12:30 so I could sleep late and relax. I am having such a weird thing with a friend - so stressful. I just - it will be okay. I think I should really take a chance right now to meditate. I have to work tomorrow - lord. I gave my friend a wedding gift who got me the job at the boutique. That was good to finally do. She was funny last night. I actually have enough time I could pray/meditate/do yoga AND take a nap or go swimming. I had a dream I was swimming last night. I dreamed I breathed under water. It was a huuuuge, giant pool and I could see perfectly clearly under water - I did have on goggles but I was so surprised by how clearly I could see. I have to say what I think is really happening with my friend is very alanonic. She makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I get trapped in her disease - not her - her disease. I also can NOT sit near her at the meditation meeting. No way. She moves around and makes all these crazy nose sounding breathing noises AND unbuttons her pants AND swallows really loudly. Can you imagine trying to meditate next to that? Jesus. Getting brushed up against when I am meditating is NOT okay. Ha - maybe it is but I can't handle it. I have PMS - I just need to be careful today. I also need to figure out how to get home to see my new nephew. I am just rambling on. Bye Bluebie - I love you. I loved cooking so much yesterday and I loved banging these keys today.

Big Gay Wedding today!!

Tall Not So Dark And Creepy and Boris are getting married today. The cake is gorgeous and the house is all aflutter with wedding people and wedding stuff. I am so glad I took the day off to go to this - it would have been so weird if I was in my room trying to ignore all this. So I have a cute dress and I have enough money for my bills and this week to not be working tonight. I am also going to go to another holiday party afterwards. Then I am going to come home and make Mac and Cheese for a Mac and Cheese competition at work tomorrow at another holiday party (at the comedy club) where I will also be performing. Holy cow - fun!! I haven't cooked anything in so long - I'm excited. Everyone will be at the party so it should be lots of fun. I'm having a great cup of coffee right now and my room and bathroom are all clean and I did my hair yesterday. My laundry is done and guess what else??? I FINALLY finished my new vision board!! I did it last night. It's beautiful and the whole thing is homemade. The board and everything. I'm going to add more to it but it's there up on the wall. Yes - I really like it. I went on that second audition - didn't I write about this?? The teacher who I was auditioning for laughed through my whole dramatic monologue. Um - what? He was so nice and sweet - he just thought I was funny. He class has a waiting list though - ugh. Okay then also another teacher's assistant called me while I was there and so that maybe could work out? I don't know I would have to audition for him too. I just really want to be in a class by January. So now I need to save for class and pictures. I have to go and get ready for the bus that is taking us all to the wedding. Byeeee Bluebie!!!! Happy Saturday!!!

I just wrote a whole post and then the owner came in....

So now it is lost forever.....who knows what brilliant things I said while complaining about my life?? She gave me a bonus!!! How nice is that?? THEN she looked me up and down and I was like "Oh - sorry I don't look very good today - I couldn't really get it together." She said "Are you okay??" Then when she left she said "I hope you feel better!!" I'm not sick - I'm just tired. Jesus. I feel like a failure. Some people - like my sister - have 4 fucking kids and manage to get it together. My other sister has 2 jobs - one full time and the other - I don't know. I can't even take a shower, walk the dog and get to work on time. I was an hour late!! What? I'm so exhausted. I need q-tips. That will change everything. I don't know - I'm scared - I feel like I'm being poisoned. WHAT?? Am I serious?? I didn't get enough sleep and I went to bed late after watching too many episodes of Law and Order SVU. Jeez. I don't have a thyroid problem - I walked around in the rain with wet feet for over 3 hours - hello - I'm lucky I'm not really sick - jeez. I am seriously drama. I wonder how many times I wrote "I" on here? I need to get back to super healthy and I have to SLEEP. what is the point of doing all the stuff I do without sleep? Jeez mother fucking Louise. I have to go. I have some rage eating to do. Or not - maybe I will rage drink water. Bye Blueberry.

I just realized I need to AMP UP MY HEALTH AGAIN!!

What the fuck am I doing? I just spent half an hour googling "Why am I so tired??" when I drink coffee all the time - never sleep enough and I eat terrible food. Okay - look - I'm not trying to beat myself up but seriously?? If my diet is not good and I am crazy drinking coffee - I'm going to feel bad. I have to pee - hold please. OH I FOUND THIS!! Not lost!! The brilliance I wrote is STILL HERE!!! Fina-fucking-ly something to be grateful for. Besides my Christmas bonus. If you read this post it makes no sense unless you read the one before it first. FUCK it feels so good to type. BYE. P.S. Last night I was trying to be creative and Tall Not So Dark And Creepy came upstairs and was - shockingly - creeping me out - so I started BLASTING Wig Wam Bam/Little Willy over and over and over again and BANGING the triangle really loudly. It felt great until the dog was freaked out. Narcissism is the most revolting disease ever. I need some rain boots - bye.

Okay - I'm back.....

I just looked at a year ago and I was pretty frustrated then also. Perhaps this time of year isn't so great for me. I think I will warm up once this woman comes back and buys her clutch. I am probably dehydrated for days now and also - I have just been shoving food in my face - whatever - sweets, burgers - whatever. No wonder I don't feel well and no wonder I barfed last night. It was so GREASY what I barfed up. Okay so I am going to get out of here for a little bit today and I will get to be a little creative. I said no to babysitting so that I can go to a meeting and go home and get a good night's sleep. I have everything I need right now. I am okay. I am totally okay. Yeesh. Bye.

I totally barfed last night and it HURT.

I had a burger here yesterday and sweet potato fries near the end of the day and at 1 in the morning I woke up and was so sick. It hurt so bad. Oh my GOD why am I writing this? I couldn't believe it - it was so awful. It's raining today and I am so tired. But I'm not exhausted and I did get to take a shower. I am really in such HALT(Hungry,Angry,Lonely,Tired) and my meetings have really suffered. Okay - I already called Her Lady Wonder and I'm going to go to that audition and hopefully that will help shift things. I'm so sad and lonely. I just really can't even take that seriously. I am though. I am sinking. I just am so tired and I need to exercise and sleep without barfing. Why did I take Saturday night off from work to go to this stupid wedding? I could have gone to the wedding AND worked. I could have just gone to the wedding and come back and worked. She still didn't pay me on time for here. I won't get paid till Friday now. What is really her fucking deal with that? I don't know - it makes me sick. I really - okay - I have to calm down. I'm not going to be able to fix anything right now but I am freaking out about going to this wedding. How can I not go? Okay - I have to calm down. My schedule has been all out of whack - I just need to finish this day and go to a meeting - that's all. I should make some phone calls and try to help another alcoholic. Gross. I haven't had sex in so long - I'm shaking - I still don't feel well. I should just go. Bye Bluebie.

Stresssssssed ouuuuuuttt.

Jeez. I am so looking forward to not working here on Mondays. I was so totally over-stimulated last night by the time I got to therapy that my therapist said I really need to be careful about not getting over-stimulated. I was NUTS. I was shaking. I was so mad and so over tired AND - I will say it again - over-stimulated. Okay - so I got a decent night's sleep. When my alarm went off I was shocked that I slept through the night. No crazy dreams with guns and chases - no waking up in the middle of the night - I just slept. I went back to sleep after the alarm went off - so I over slept by an hour and a half. Whatever. I'm here at the store now. I am still not okay - very resentful. I am stressed about this weekend and now I am stressed out about money all of a sudden. The truth is that I don't need to be though. I really don't. Okay - I am worth more than this. Here is what happened this morning. Someone asked me to babysit tomorrow night who I told I could babysit on SUNDAYS. So instead of saying "NO" I asked what time. Which I could not get here by. Then I said tomorrow night isn't good for me and THEN I didn't hear back from them. I'm fucking 40 years old - babysit - really? I mean I love the baby - he is SO cute - so cute. They are really great parents and I want to help but I am so stressed out right now - I can't. I need a meeting tomorrow night and to be able to get home and rest for my double on Thursday. Why did I even ask what time? Why is it so hard to say no. Why did they ask me for a WEDNESDAY when I said that SUNDAYS were good for me??? See - not okay. I have another audition at that studio tomorrow and I am so nervous AND I don't have the monologue memorized AND I'm so tired I don't want to go. I feel like I'm going to get rejected. WELL SO WHAT?? Jeez. Okay - this is what I am going to do.....I am going to work on the monologue right now. This is all going to shift. It really will.

Hiiiiiiiiii - holy cow......

so today has been such a crazy day. I got here more or less on time - ate, sold 2 things, went to the audition at the acting school - which was CRAZY. I was SO bad AND I cried twice. Um - what? Not during the monologue but before and after. What?? I told him I had been sober for 2 years and then I started crying. I did the monologue (TERRIBLE) and then when he asked me what it was about - I cried. During the monologue I was totally in my head and GRIPPING my emotions. Or as he said it - "completely detached from my emotions." Oh. Um - okay - awesome. I also completely forgot to bring a head shot and a resume. He asked me about my college and I couldn't remember anything. I was like - "Oh - I'm 40 - that was so long ago - I don't remember anything." What? That's like going to a job interview and being like - oh - jeez - I don't remember how to do that or who taught me how to do it but BOY do I want the job!! Oh - WOW. Then today the boutique has been busy all day - holy fuck. Last night the show was SO amazing - really, really fun. I had a great set and they were an amazing audience. I'm so HUNGRY for that again. I have to go - I need to get out of here on time so I can get to a meeting - I really need one. Bye Bluebie - I love you. I am so fucking over stimulated right now it's insane. If I were a dog I would be panting. BYEEEEE!!!!!!!!

Hi - jeesh.

Oh lord I am so tired. The weather is so strange today. Cold but hot in here. I keep being hot then cold, repeat. I went to this thing last night after a meeting and I got so excited that I acted like such a turd. I was REALLY pushing my energy and trying to be FUNNY and LIKED. OH MY GOD - is there anything worse than that ever? Haha at least I'm laughing a little bit. It was like I was drunk - ew. Thank God I wasn't and at least I have the awareness that I do not wish to repeat that behavior. Ouch - embarrassing though. I got my pictures back and I think they are good - I have no idea how to pick one. I am also kind of freaking out about how I look. Or not - I don't know. I picked some out and I asked 2 people to look at them and now I am going to let it go for awhile. I'm at the store and people are coming in and shopping so that is good - it's always more fun to be here when I am selling stuff. This is all so hard. I feel like I am in my early 20's again - relearning how to act - how to be a lady. Jesus - my ego is so blown up right now - it REALLY wants some serious validation. Barf. Total barfness. I have an audition tomorrow for this place where I want to go to take classes and I have a show tonight and a double tomorrow. Um - what? I am just going to go home after this and get some rest and that should get me to where I need to be. I also need to memorize my monologue. Am I kidding myself here - how am I going to do all this? I have to just try. I was ALMOST on time today - can you imagine? I really did make the whole day so much better. I need to pray and meditate when I get home also. I am freaking out right now - my energy is all over the place. I am going to do those breathing exercises the Snake Doctor taught me while I am sitting here. K Bluebie I love you.

Hi - WOW.

I am so annoyed at being here at the store today - this is definitely not going to work for me. I cancelled therapy - there is no fucking way I can fight my way downtown right now. I can walk to the meditation meeting and get home in time to get a good night's sleep. I have to be here the next 3 days after this and Thursday I have a double. Okay - so anyway - on to positive things...I got my pictures done yesterday and I think they will be just what I need right now. It was an AMAZING day for photos and we were in the Meat Packing District which I LOVE. Larni came and he was great and we had fun and did it fast. Then we all went to Cafeteria and saw a bunch of people there and had an amazing lunch. I had Mac and Cheese spring rolls that came with a Gouda dipping sauce. Um - what? Someone had to get high and think of that one. Then I went to 2 meetings and another thing and I was so exhausted. I got my make-up done at Bergdorf Goodman for free but I bought this primer stuff, lipstick and powder as a trade I guess? I could have not bought anything but I really did want the primer. Is that what it's called? Yes - Base Mineral Primer. I used it today and it's great!! I have all of it on today - the lipstick, primer and powder. Good stuff!! Jesus. I'm so tired. I didn't wash my hair. Why am I saying that? I'm so fucking annoyed that I'm but I have to say I need the money and I REALLY appreciate this job - it has helped change my life for the better. I'm not exactly killing myself sitting here either. I did have to hang some Christmas balls - that was hard. Okay - anyway - seriously - not hard. Guess what? I told my friend about the guy who I thought was cute and she said he isn't for me. Isn't that so sad? He seems so NICE and I never get that creepy, weird vibe off of him that I get from most men. I should just meet this guy and the bubble will pop. I need to get a good night's sleep. Bye Bluebie - see you tomorrow!!

Thanksgiving was so lovely.....

I had a really nice time and it was mellow all around. I am still fighting off this cold or whatever it is and I was reallllly tired last night. I spent time at my friend's in midtown - in his absolutely lovely apartment. The food was delicious and it was so warm and loving. It was so gorgeous out yesterday - really warm. I spoke to my family twice and all was well here at the house also. I got home and brought the landlord flowers and I held the baby that was here (his best friends) for awhile and that was fun. He is a cute, fat baby. I am so glad I didn't just stay here because there was drinking and they smoked a million cigarettes and Boris was DRUNK. He was being so "cute" and "funny" and it was SO awful to be around. I was so happy today to wake up without a hangover and just - rested. I did get a lot of sleep and I could go back to sleep right now. Should I? I already prayed and meditated, fed the dog and figured out about pictures for Sunday. I just feel drained. I am going to go do service at a meeting before work. After dinner yesterday we went to a meeting (my friend and I and also 2 other people from the dinner). It was so great. I really am so tired. I already made my bed!! I can't get back in it!! I slept like 10 hours. A solid 9 and 1/2 at least. Yeesh!! I am going to walk the dog and see how I feel after that. Love you Bluebie!!

Okay so I decided to stay here for Thanksgiving.

Lord - I hope that I haven't made a huge mistake. My mother was so sweet about it.....I just can't travel right now. What? I just know it will be such a nightmare on the train. My shoulder is hurt and I just - I'd rather not do that to myself right now. Lord - it's painful though. i went to this acting school last night and I set up an audition with them. I'm not going to be able to get pictures done tomorrow either. It says 100% chance of rain. Um - what?? Well okay - that's fine - I keep taking better and better care of myself so I will be more ready to do pictures whenever it can happen. Also my hair looks a little crazy - so I need to take care of that. My hair always looks a little crazy but this is like - WOW - WHAT is with those bangs?? Okay - so. Last night before bed I flossed, witch hazeled my face, put on old lady cream, gave myself a leg/foot massage and drank 4 cups of detox tea. I also burned some really yummy, subtle candles that I got from Whole Foods. I slept with the humidifier on and I put Lavender and Grapefruit essential oils in the little cup thingy on top. Heaven I tell you!! I have these pajama bottoms that are black and white stripes and they are so cute and they are so done!! I have had them for 4 and 1/2 years and it is time for them to goooo. There are holes all over them and I definitely got tons of use out of them. I need to treat myself to some new PJ's!! I have been dry skin brushing every day and guess what is helping me to do it?? IT HELPS GET RID OF CELLULITE. What? Why didn't the snake doctor tell me that? I would have been doing it ALL the time no problem. I also have been drinking the green drink everyday. So I am getting back into the health regime. I'm here at the boutique and I was so late and so far it is soooo boring. SO. Well the good part is that then I have the rest of the week off!! I mean from here - not the comedy club. Okay - Bluebie - love you!!

Less than a minute later I remembered that

so long ago when I was crazy busy being a performer and doing TONS of things I was doing it very workaholicly. It was so unhealthy. I realized that the other day in a meeting when I was listening to someone talking about how there addiction would switch to all different areas when they weren't drinking but not in the program. I just had to say that. Part of me expects me to approach my art in that same CRAZY way and I can't and I don't want to. Healthy. I want to be healthy in all areas and for art - number one is healthiness. Lord - I am all sorts of mixed up with words right now. Okay - byyyeeee.

Hiiii Bluebie....

Holy cow - this month it seems I have been light on writing but here I am. Wow - I woke up anxious and now I already feel better starting to write. I'm so struggling with Thanksgiving. It is such a short holiday and I really just want to stay here in the city. I also am so worried this year about all the drinking. It's so hard to be around. Now that I said that I feel better. I will be okay but it is a worry and for some reason I feel that this year. Okay - so. Hold on I am going to do something. I was seeing if I could get tomorrow off from the boutique so I could go do my service instead. I am so tired and so in need of lots of meetings. Tonight I am going to go to an acting school and go see about classes. Holy cow!! I switched my therapy around so I could go do this. I am so - anxious lately. I just want/need to be creative and taking classes is a great way to get the ball rolling. Okay - I guess I'm nervous but I am also excited. I really need to get to meditating right now. I was also thinking it would be nice if I wrote a song for the wedding show. They are having a bunch of performers and I would like to do a song with my ukulele. So - okay - there is a thought. Now what else? I went to 2 meetings last night because I woke up so crazy and I felt so much better after I did. I think I might just sit right now and write my morning pages and then pray and meditate. Oh nervousness it is strong in me today. I love you Bluebie - I will write more later.

Brrr!! It's so cold out

this morning - working on afternoon. It's kind of fun though. I woke up so late but I just did the best I could - including walking the dog - which I was not going to do to save time plus I was so tired. But she wanted to go out SO badly and I just couldn't leave - I had to walk her. Then do you know what happened? i got into a car and he went in such an amazing, fast way that I got here super fast. It was so easy!! I took the time to do the right thing and it completely worked out. I got here and no one was waiting and so far no one has come in. Now I just have to have the balls to tell her the right hours when I tell her my hours so she knows I was late. I can do that - please - hello. Look she knows this is hard for me and that that's why I don't want to do these insane doubles anymore. So. So I was late and I won't be able to stay and I won't charge her and that is that. It's totally okay. Oh dear - scary stuff. Next week I am only here one day and then the week after starts a 4 day week but only for 2 weeks and then back to the 3 day week. How boring is this? Okay. I wrote a gratitude list and I'm going to make some phone calls and take it easy on myself. Last night I got home and I was a MESS after my double but somehow I managed to get myself all ready for bed - witch hazeled my face, flossed and brushed my teeth, put on old lady cream, gave myself a leg massage and put tiger balm and the heating pad on my sore shoulder. I felt SO much better afterwards!! Oh my LORD. I wasn't going to do any of that. How crazy is that? I walked the dog and I took out my garbage and recyclables. So when I finally did wake up today - my room was all clean and even though i was completely late I wasn't totally flustered and grossed out by a messy room. There was light shining in my room and it was very pleasant to get ready for work like that even though I was so late. Oh I do have to say I'm lonely. I miss having a boyfriend so much. Is this being an alcoholic? It has been so long since I had someone nice and special in my life. Well okay - this is why I wrote the gratitude list - I have so much to be grateful for. Food, warmth, safe place to live. okay - I should put these dresses back. A woman did come in while I was writing this - she needed a jacket for a job interview so she was trying on dresses. She was so flustered. I felt so bad. Well she didn't get anything and hopped in a cab. She was cute - they will like her. Okay - I should go - Byyeeeee Bluebie!!

Hi Bluebie.

I'm at the boutique and some guy just walked by screaming (in a really odd voice) about his supervisor and prison. Sooo I locked the door. I am here - I am clean - I prayed and meditated this morning and I have all I need to make this day happen. I can't WAIT to go to a meeting. It's rainy out and I think because I have PMS it's really effecting my mood. I cried myself to sleep last night - I was SO emotional and I didn't even realize it. I got home yesterday after tromping around the wet city and I cleaned, washed some clothes, ran errands and got myself ready for this weekend. I gave myself a leg massage and I really tried to take care of myself. I got in bed, put the heating pad on my shoulder and meditated. I had a thought though while I was trying to talk to God (I know) where I was just like "I don't know if I can keep fighting the good fight" and then I started bawling. Which then made me start laughing because of the guests staying there trying to have a romantic getaway in a bed and breakfast and I'm crying myself to sleep above them. Then I kept crying because I realized how lonely I was and how much I want a family, love - a LIFE. I know I have a life but I mean LOVE. hugs and warmth for fuck's sake. I can't remember the last time I didn't just wake up angry and I guess part of me thinks if I just had love in my life that wouldn't happen. I just think it would be so much more loving and wonderful to wake up to a lover instead off Boris cigarette smoke. Although - hello - I could wake up to a beautiful man and someone else's cigarette smoke. Okay. I am ready for love - I want that - I miss it so much. I also want a baby. I know - it's so insane and maybe it's just hormones but I really want to experience family life - a healthy,loving family life. They brought me the wrong yogurt. I'm so upset except it's still yogurt. Man - I have PMS. I should be grateful. I need to write a gratitude list. I'm going to go do that. I can fight the good fight today I think. I'm going to do my best. Be nice to myself. That's the best place to start. It really feels like starting at the bottom of the mountain sometimes but I'm going to practice it today - being nice to myself. Byeeeee Bluebie.

Let's start with the positives.

I got an amazing, inexpensive haircut yesterday and she REALLY did what I wanted and even cut more to clean it up at the end. I also got an inexpensive (get this!!) manicure/pedicure/15 minute massage. I'm not even kidding. I had a delicious dinner and I got to my meditation meeting. I got tons of sleep last night and now I'm home still which is glorious. It's sort of dark out but it hasn't started raining yet. I had plans to get pictures taken tomorrow but it looks like rain so I don't think that is going to happen - which is fine because I would love a week to get my body better. What? I worked hard all weekend at the comedy club and it was busy - thank God so that's good. My bills are paid and I budgeted out money for myself and I've gone over the budget but nothing crazy. This feels so good. I have some very loving friends in my life but that one friend - they suck - they just do. But I read a quote today that said something like I fill myslef with love and put that out to the world - how others treat me is there business and how I react is mine. I believe what is happening with this person is happening because I need to move in a different direction and be more on my own. So to speak. I'm being so vague. Look - this person is difficult and I want to avoid them and at the same time show them how difficult they are. I also want to let this effect my sobriety which isn't necessary. So anyway - oooo - here's the thing - I'm not sure what is going on - but thisd is what happens with me and a lot of people and this time - I'm not having it. What? On a seperate note and back to positive things - Larni and I got in a fight and we totally got past it. I told him I won't be spoken to that way (ha - in so many word - where are my BALLS at anyway??) and he apologized - we talked it out and everything is okay. That was kind of a crazy one because for once I really was like - I am not going to be spoken to like this - I deserve better than this and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I was mad but also I knew I didn't deserve what he was putting out (I know - ridiculous words) and I didn't care how this would "look." Imagine that. I was really taking care of myself for once instead of doing what I thought would "look" best. Jesus. Larni said he was proud of me - haha - oh boy - thank God everything is okay - relationships are so hard. It's my wedding anniversary. Ouch. I suppoose that is another positive thing!! I'm not married anymore!!! I looked at his fb page and he - despite the fact that he is clearly on seriously hard drugs, has long greasy hair and is completely out of shape - seems happy. He is doing exaclty what he wants. He has his one man band with 20 people in it and he's doing shows and making art. So - there you go. Am I doing what I want? Well I am starting to take really good care of myslef and that's for sure something Ihave ALWAYS wanted. I always wanted to be sober and to have the room and the time to take really great care of myself. I suppose that will grow into my art - the pictures will be a start to that. Okay - I love you Bluebie and I love my sister for encouraging me to keep writing. It feels so good!!! Byeeeeee.

I went to the Snake Doctor yesterday and

I was in such a bad mood. I was grumpy and I have been fighting off this cold. So he says to me that I just (Basically) need to get back on the wagon of all the self care I was doing. The skin brushing, meditation, lots of water, lots of green juice, sleep, less TV etc. He said that we are made of so much water that when the water gets stagnant and dirty it makes us not feel well. He also told me to be nice to myself. He made me promise to be nice to myself. He also gave me an enema bag so as to start doing enemas on myself. WOW - what an experience that was. I will get better at it I suppose. He said that it's fine that I fell off the wagon and that that's why I am going to see him. He said no one can do any of this alone and that everyone needs all kinds of coaches and help. So last night I did so much self care. I dry skin brushed, showered, put a on leave in conditioner in my hair - cleaned up my room, threw out my garbage, did the enema, showered again, massaged my legs, and drank tons of water. I also meditated before bed - put a Castor oil pack on my shoulder with a heating pad and then put the heating pad on my belly as I meditated. I also did laundry. Oooo - I also put the humidifier on while I slept with oils in it - so awesome. I still watched shows but I went to bed much earlier than I would have. I had the saddest dream. I dreamed my old roommate came and he didn't want to talk to me or hang out with me. Cretona. He was so annoyed. I also came upon my ex-boyfriend and all the "Art Stars" someplace and it was so - awful. I was trying to be nice and funny while ignoring the"leader" and trying to act like I was the happiest person in the world. They didn't like me. Noooot at all and neither did Cretona. The doctor said if I watch so much TV stuff at night it makes my mind have to integrate it while I'm sleeping. I felt so much better today - I got up, prayed and meditated, showered - put on clean, fresh clothes and was only 15 minutes late to here!! I am seeing how quickly I get dirty - mentally and physically. Also - I should have more gratitude for the fact that I am free and walking around - I mean for real. Lord. Okay - so thank God for the Snake Doctor. Now I need to do some creative stuff - he said that that is so important and that my soul chose me for a reason - for a creative reason. Interesting thought. I love you Blueberry!!

Sign of growth.

I got home late Saturday night - 3 in the morning - from work. I went upstairs and was going to go right to bed but decided for some reason to put my stuff away - I don't remember why. I just realized during that somehow that I didn't have the keys for the boutique. I knew I put them in my pocket when I locked up and went to the comedy club but I couldn't find them.....I dumped out my purse - looked in my coat pockets five different times and knew that were not with me in my bedroom. They didn't feel gone but I knew I didn't have them. I had taken my house keys out of my pocket to get in the house and realized I must have pulled them out at the same time and they had to be on the ground out by the house. So down the stairs I went at 3:30 in the morning in Harlem - completely exhausted - to walk down the block to find my keys. Guess what? I found them - sitting right there by where I must have pulled out my house keys. I was so proud of myself for some reason. I would have never even known until the next day that I lost my keys if I was still drinking. I must also say that if I had just put the keys in my purse in the little pocket I usually put them in I would have never had them in my coat pocket to be pulled out of to begin with. I am so tired - I can NOT work Mondays - fuck that. I was so annoyed at getting up today and I didn't shower and I feel so gross. Plus I spend money when I am here - it's so stupid. Food is so expensive around here. Okay - Okay - so I don't have to work on Mondays!! I can't wait to go to bed. Am I growing? Am I changing? Today it doesn't feel like it even though I said there was a sign of it. Oh DEAR. I did get a lot done yesterday - I did my hair, my nails, cleaned and did laundry AND I walked and got to a meeting. Okay - I need to stop writing now. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Today I learned the lesson of action.

I woke up so tired but with a little extra time because of Daylight Savings Time. I managed to get up and get myself to the bank so I could put my savings back and to - ugh - how emberassing is this - change in my change. Well - I did it - the money is back and then I got the few things I needed from the dollar store and Duane Reade. I really wanted to just sit but - well I get why action works. What? I'm so tired all of a sudden and I still need to get ot my meeting and I have to work in the morning!! I also think I might go get some food with people after the meeting? I'm so tired - I'm going to fix my hair real quick. Bye Bluebie!!!

A new nephew!!

Born at 12:30 last night - I have no details - just that he's kind of little and was about 3-4 weeks early. My sister got preeclamsia so they had to induce her - sort of scary but I guess al is well. Wow - so crazy. She has 4 mother fucking kids now - amazing. I have none. Also amazing. So I'm here a the store - I swear to the good Lord above that I can not keep working this schedule. I'm okay right now - sort of - but I would be a lot better if I got enough sleep and if I could have washed my hair. I also didn't get to walk the dog. Aw - poor thing. I just lie to myself and pretend like it's raining and that's why I can't walk her. Ugh - it's so awful. I guess it will really just be one more week of this really - maybe 2. Lord. well so here's the thing though - I REALLY needed to work last night and I did and thank God I made a little bit of money. So. I just hope I get to work all the shows somehow tonight and then I can get back on track money wise. The week after next I am getting new pictures - or at least some pictures taken. I'm looking forward to it. I really feel like it help get me present to how I am right now. does that make any sense? My head shots are 10 years old - literally - I mean come on. Okay - so it's scary but I'm going to go for it - have fun and just do it. I should figure out some stuff for that - clothes, make-up etc. It's so quiet here at the store right now. Also on the street. It's quiet today so maybe that's why. Okay - I just made another ammends and it's so clod in here!!! Bye Bluebie!!

Good morning.

It's amazing that it's still morning. there was a time not too long ago that I would be drunk and sleeping still. Or even worse - awake, hiding in my room and drinking left over warm beer. Oh lord - so sad. I just have to be so grateful right now that I am awake, showered, fed and I have on clean clothes AND I am working. Jesus. Oh my GOD - unbelievable. Okay - so today is a new day and I worked on myself, worked at my other job and felt better by the time I got home last night. I have to figure out some kind of budget for myself where I can only spend a certain amount every day. I already know I have enough to pay my bills with the 2 jobs and I've paid back bills and I have been able to save a tiny bit - but then I spent that on my rent. Now I need to figure out more CLEARLY how to save. Really save. Don't spend it save. Okay - so after I am done writing on here I will do that. I just need money for food, some clothes and travel. Ugh - I don't want to do this. I guess that means I should. The thing is that the up and downs of money contributes to my mood swings. I get paid or I make money at the comedy club and I'm all "Everything is okay - I have money - woo-hoo!!" Then a week or 2 days later and I'm like "I'm poor - why didn't my parents take better care of me??" What - that is so fucking RIDICULOUS!! I get so upset when I am left without the money I need and it isn't necessary. I just like having money - being able to buy whatever I want and not really think about it. But I do NOT like having to count change out of my piggy bank to take a car to work. I do the same thing with my time. I have very little time and then I decide to write on my blog before work. It's not really - honest somehow. I mean - I'm lying to myself. I'm not rich - haha - I'm not even MIDDLE FUCKING CLASS!! I am poor!! Ha - okay - I'm not as poor as I WAS but COME ON!! I want to look pretty and feel good and guess what? I can do that with less money - it's the truth - I know it and you know it. Well - okay - it's the same thing I keep thinking about being creative. No one is stopping me. I don't need more money to be creative. I need to just DO it. More untangling - this is all more untangling - fucking a. My life is abundant!! I don't have to be RICH to have an abundant life. Lord. This is another layer of the onion also. There is this deprivation THOUGHT process that happens in my brain all the time. I'm not making sense - or maybe I am - I don't know. I don't like it that's all. I don't like that I am forced to be creative financially. Okay - I have to stop writing - I'm getting crazy in my head. The reality is that if I had a TON of money I would be just as not okay as I am right now. This is about me and my soul and my inability to deal with reality and my disease. Ha - what? Is that true? Okay - I'm going to figure out a budget and be nice to myself or at least try. Bye Bluebie - love you.

Oh WOW.

As I was leaving the house Tall Not So Dark And Creepy told me that a mutual friend has had a nervous breakdown. She thinks bugs are coming out of her ears and nose. Yeesh. It upset me - I called my sponsor and she said I am bottoming out on letting other people make me feel the way I feel. I'm not sure the wordage she used - I was really upset. I guess she's right - someone else is always to blame for me getting upset. Someone else is always controlling how I feel. Ugh - this is so hard. I feel so uncomfortable and I am so ready to - what? Move? I don't know - I don't want to feel like this anymore and I ugh - well - I have to do the work I guess. I'm so tired right now. It's so hot in here - of course. It was FREEZING and now it's hot in here again. So dry. So if I can't blame other people for how I feel - who can I blame?? Ha - oh and BIG SIGH. Some old lady just came in here and demanded I give her the owner's cell phone number. She said they live in the same building. How rude is that? She was pushy AND rude. And she SMELLED. Gross. So now here we go - another stupid layer of the stupid fucking onion. Couldn't they use a less disgusting smelling vegetable as an analogy of healing? Fucking a. I'm so upset. I have no money saved again after paying my rent on time. Hopefully I will make it back this weekend and be able to put the money back in my savings. I'm just sitting here - not doing anything. I'm going to research this feelings bullshit. FUCK!! Bye.

I'm so late.

I am supposed to be at work right now. I totally went to sleep at 2 in the morning and I woke up at 9:00. I kind of don't care. I'm so tired. I hate this job - why am I doing this to myself? Ugh - I know why. It's better than waitressing. Ohhhhh dear. Ohhhh boy. This is already a nightmare today. Boris has already smoked outside my window. I paid my rent on time and then I swear the landlord has been such a jerk ever since. It makes me so sad that he's so gross. I heard them having sex last night. IT struck me as so odd. I was just like - wow - they are fucking each other - wow - ew and wow. I don't get it. He smells, has bad teeth and is really aggressive - like in your face. How is that sexy? Haha - I guess that's why Boris is fucking him and I'm not. He thinks those things are REALLY sexy. Ew. Fucking ew. Wow - I am sitting here typing and at best I should have left for work already. Maybe this week I can say NO when I mean no and take care of myself so I can not end up like this again. I did well yesterday for the most part - although that one friend of mine - lord. It just upsets me and is very toxic. It's really hard to take care of myself. Alright - I have to go - I can write more later. Bye.

Okay - here we go!!

I did a show last night at a hostel - it was crazy! It was like college dorm - so nuts. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy must have people coming - he is cleaning really loudly. I have to go get my rent. I am rested - I got enough sleep. I am so ready to do more shows - how can I make that happen? I learned once again this week the hard lesson of sometimes I have to hang up the phone with people and I have to say no. I'm not sure how to do that exactly - well I guess just by doing it. I feel like he is listening to me type but I can't stop that from me being creative. I did my morning pages before this and that was so great - and quiet!! Very peaceful sound wise. I was having such a bad day yesterday and after therapy, a meeting and a show I felt SO much better. I really did. I keep thinking of moving forward. I honestly - this is so hard with him up here - the pressure from him is unbearable. Haha - WOW - what the fuck? I will write more later - it really was an interesting day. Bye Bluebie!!

Healing is progressive.

Getting sick was - getting really sick. It was always there lurking but it took a really long time and it happened slowly. Faster than some but it wasn't as quick as others. So me getting better is happening slowly. Quicker than some, slower than others. I just love being funny - I wish I could just figure out a way to do that all the time - either with stand-up, a show, a TV show - anything. Movies? Somehow do it and have a life? The hot water is back on but it is freezing in here. I probably need to drain the pipes. Holy cow I am running so late. I just really wanted to write on here. I'm exhausted. I need to stop doing these doubles very soon - like in the next 2 weeks. I made it through yesterday somehow. I think I need to focus on being more loving and nicer. On the way home in the cab the other girl said she made 300 dollars because she flirted with her people - her customers. I'm not even NICE to mine - let alone flirt with them. What the heck? I'm going to be short on my rent. After all this - ugh - so annoying. I think I need a different job - for real. The money isn't that good at all!! It has changed. Okay - I have to take a shower - I'm starting to lose it. Byeeeee - love you Bluebie!!!

It's snowing and it's boring....

Holy fuck - I guess I should call my sister back. I'm here at the store. I didn't get to take a shower because there was no hot water. I could NOT take a hot shower. When I left I said to Tall Not So Dark And Creepy that there was no hot water and he said "The boiler broke last night in the middle of the night!!" Um - you mean you let the oil run low - please. Okay so here's the thing - I have a tool I can use to deal with this. I'm going to use it. Maybe. I have to say also that I realized today how no one is stopping me from being creative. Jeez - this is a hard day. It's freezing in here and I really needed to wash my hair and take a shower. I look and feel gross. He actually said "Our guests didn't get to take a hot shower this morning!!" I'M YOUR GUEST FUCKFACE. I don't know - but if I hadn't not taken a shower I wouldn't have gotten her call early this morning. She called really early. SO THERE IS THAT. Okay - well - I'm going to do some work on myself and try to get past this and enjoy a quiet day. POEM:

Snow is fluffy
Rain is wet
I couldn't take a shower
I was mad - you bet!
I'm here alone
But I feel sort of alive
I have on cashmere
Haha - it's not mine.
Fuck off.
ugh.
Love and gratitude!!

Well today I managed to get myself here to the boutique

and to get ready beforehand. I slept enough, prayed/meditated and ate breakfast. I took my vitamins and I did my holistic stuff. I called my friend when I got here because I was so upset that I woke up SO crazy. One thing she said that really resonated with me was that I no longer act out. Which you know what?? I don't. I don't cheat on my boyfriend, get credit cards and buy shit I can't afford or even get wasted. I do live a different way now. Okay. Okay so here's the thing - I'm so hard on myself and so hard on my situation. Last night before I went to bed I realized how quiet it was and I was so grateful for that. I'm learning how to live differently and it's really fucking hard. I would have drank over how I was feeling last night or even this morning. I for sure would have yelled, stomped my feet or given them silent rage when I saw them. Lord. Lord this is so hard. I just want to be creative. I am my biggest problem right now. I need to accept that. I really do - I have to accept all these things before I can change them. I'm so uncomfortable. My friend said I need to be in more action and she's right. Having slept last night was such absolute heaven getting up today. I can do that for myself - I can go to sleep at a decent hour and get enough rest. I can love myself. YIKES!!! YIKES!! That is so fucking hard to say. I'm not free from the past yet but I can be. Or at least I know other people have been so I should be able to be. Lord. Another good thing that has happened is I think I have finally learned how to haggle. I'm so sick of feeling like a loser. I am so sick of being a loser. It's boring. I know it's not nice to say that about myself but I know it's true. It's not completely true. I have worked really hard at being better. I have payed back bills and I'm sober. I'm just frustrated and the craziest part is that for ONCE I don't have PMS. I can't blame that. Okay - I have to figure out this schedule. I need to call my sponsor. Oh fuuuuck - I'm so crazy!! Bye Bluebie.

I'm so upset...

I hate this smoke so much. I hate living here - I feel trapped - this is such a fucking nightmare. I don't want to pay my rent anymore. I really don't. I could just save the money and fucking move. I can't believe it - he leaves his lighter out there - he just doesn't care and the landlord just doesn't care. I really am not paying him - I'm fucking drowning here. This place has been a nightmare since the second day I lived here. I feel like I am being poisoned. Well I am. I look terrible. I have to stop thinkng about this. Today I did some nice things. I had a walk, a yummy sandwich, a delicious gelato cone. I got home early. I rested. I am so upsset now. All night long I smell smoke. I have to stop thinking about this. Please God I just want to move. I feel like I am dying - I'm so angry and unhappy. Bye.

Fighting the smoke with

the humidifier!! That finally helped a little. Jesus Christ. Well I feel not so nearly crazy this morning - although I am still not okay. I was so toxic yesterday but seriously - I realized by the end of the night that - well - if I sleep till - I mean if I stay up till 4 and I only get 6 hours of sleep or whatever - if I don't rest enough - I'm not going to feel good. I hate Boris - yesterday he walked by me on the stairs and he smelled so bad. Okay - in all fairness - I don't want to be fair. What a fucking turd he is. He is getting a total free ride. I have to get out of this house. Oh dear - there we go - I'm all upset again. The dog is freezing because I have the windows open. I'm so tired of being stuck. When do I get to be happy, joyous and free? I just haven't been able to get myself back. I get so tired - so weary. The other girl is quitting the boutique!! Holy shit - so now I can arrange my schedule better except that - well - ugh - what a pain in the ass. I have to call her later - I couldn't deal with it today. I have to go do service at my meeting and then go get the dog's food and then - what? Come home. She didn't put my hours in again. I should have gotten paid today but I didn't. I don't want to work there anymore either!! She said she just wants to focus on her acting - which is awesome. I have to go - I'm going to be late for my service. I don't want to leave. I hate Boris more than anything right now. I hate his smoke. Bye.

Hello Bluebie Monday

I think I learned something about the smoking. I did some research and I think the candles and incense I have been burning make it worse. I found an article that said not to burn them if you are sensitive to smoke. So I didn't last night and it seemed a bit better. Okay - enough of that. I have a gyno appointment today - scariness. I got my thing renewed where I go tot he doctor for cheap. What does that make any sense? It's $42.00 for an appointment there and it's $75.00 at Planned Parenthood so I decided to do this. They also had a cancellation so they could take me right away. I have now caught up on all the stuff I have needed and wanted to do. Taxes, doctors, gifts for people(I finally sent my cousin something for her twins), and paying back things. I found another bill I have to pay back but I am going to save for it. Take my time so I'm not hurting myself. Right now at this moment I can see how the healing is progressive. Boris is out there smoking right now. Whatever. The healing is progressive - it takes time. I have to get in the shower. Yikes I'm nervous to do this - noooot fun. I hate Boris - I can't help it. I have to say it felt good to say that. Also I wrote to that ex and he was very nice. Funny and nice - no big deal. That makes me feel so much better. Somehow something has shifted - thank God. Okay - bye.

I'm exhausted.

Last night waitressing was so fucking hard. I was so fucking tired by the end of the night I couldn't think straight. Here's the amazing part - I have 4 days off now. I have a gyno appointment tomorrow which is overdo and I have therapy also. I keep waking up to cigarette smoke but - well - what can I do? I washed my sheets - that's what I did. I needed to and my gratitude at having a washer and dryer right next to my room offset the smoke so there you go. I have such a headache - ugh. The smoke is worse than ever. I was getting really frustrated right now having woken up all discombobulated and then I read a quote about patience. That made me feel better. I also yesterday talked to my friend and she made me feel so much better. I talked to her about how I feel left out of comedy etc and well - she's right about a lot of it. I didn't want to be friends with a lot of these people anymore. Ugh - I can't wait to go to therapy tomorrow. I can't believe how sick I feel right now. It's like I can't handle caffeine anymore. I had an Americano last night and I turned bright red and was shaking - it was crazy. What the fuck with this smoke? I should just go buy an air purifier. Okay - I will try that. It feels like nothing is getting better right now. Oh my God - I feel sick and I still live here. I sent a message to an old boyfriend and said hi and I shouldn't have done that. Why did I do that? He didn't respond and now I need to tell my sponsor. I have to run some errands and I need to get some exercise and I REALLY need a meeting. Hold on I want to look at this time last year. I just read my posts from a year ago - the 22nd and the 24th....and I sound nuts. Not angry - up in my head - not in reality. I asked how come no hot guys ever liked me back?? What? That ex-boyfriend liked me back - he loved me and he's VERY hot. Holy fuck. I feel like I am going to the bottom of a canyon on one of those little seats attached to rope and because it stopped I thought I was at the bottom even though I was till floating in the air. Like "Oh I like being here at the bottom - it feels so nice and airy!!" Meanwhile I'm floating all clueless. Gross. What the fuck is going on? I've been so clueless and not in reality. Okay - just for today - just take care of today. Learn from today and do my work today. That's what I can do today. I'm getting closer to the botom and soon I am going to thud upon it and snap truley into reality. That is going to feel much different than the floating. I don't know if I'm going to like it. Bye Blueb. I suppose I should practice compassion for myself or at least be willing to have it. Right right be willing to pray for willingness. Yeesh - bye.

Hello Saturday....

I'm at the boutique. What can I say? I realized something (don't I always?) this morning, last night and yesterday. I have the MOST negative thought patterns. It has been crippling me for so long. Also so many residual feelings - lord have mercy. I also thought this morning about how a gold fish grows to the size of the bowl you put it in. Well - huh - I have put myself in such a small, angry bowl. I am saying all of this in a very "I'm not beating myself up - I'm just realizing it for real" kind of way. It is awful (sort of) to say but listening to other people be so reactive to things and unrealistic, emotional and not taking care of themselves - has helped me. I'm not articulating what I want to say. I have had a REALLY bad attitude and just - sitting - wanting other people to fix me. Jesus - I am JUST learning how to take care of myself. I am finally brushing and flossing on a regular basis. What? I'm getting a little bit better with my money all the time. I also realized how - lucky I have been. Why don't I ever think that way? I have been incredible lucky in my life in many ways - many gifts, friends, love, I'm hilarious. Gross - I was joking and it didn't even make me laugh. Today I feel better - I got some rest last night (not enough and the cigarette smoke is awful) and I was able to shower, walk the dog, get ready, drink a green drink and get here at 10:30. Which is a half hour later than I'm supposed to be but I will stay till 6:30. Do I just feel better because I didn't have PMS anymore? Am I really that person? Well - let's say I am.....I have to accept it and I can't accept it and move on from it until I know it. I am a slave to my emotions and my hormones. I sound like I am being hard on myself. I woke up angry this morning because of the cigarette smoke and then I said a prayer right away and everything changed. I felt an absolute shift inside of me. It was also like I went right back into my body. I stopped being so stuck in my mind and my rage/anger. I'm so happy I'm not dating anyone. I have really needed this time. I am so - I don't know. I am sifting through all my stuff that has I guess always been with me - before I started to dump alcohol on it. Also I play the victim - holy fucking fuck - so much. I'm tired of all these roles I have put myself in. I'm bored of it - I really am. And I'm doing it!! How crazy is that?? Victim? Please. Because I can't say no? Or because I'm imprinted to be codependent and MISERABLE in relationships?? Please. Someone said to me earlier in the week that I do have choices and I do. Okay - so - there you go. I have the choice as to whether or not I want to torture myself with negative thinking and victimology. Huh? Exactly. Time to get stronger. Inside for starters. I should go. Bye Bluebie.

Barf.

I had the craziest dream this morning. Okay a woman just came in and asked me if I wanted a job. Um - what? She just walked in and said - oh you don't have to leave her but do you want more work? I've never seen her in my life. She said from her home - health and wellness. Uh - I - whatever. This was another chase, kidnapping, guns blazing dream. My ex-boyfriend was in it and then at the end someone got their hand shot off in the backseat of the getaway car. They were flapping it all over the place - blood sprayed every where - all over the windows. He was flapping his blown-up hand all over the place. When we got to the hospital I realized it was a little boy but he was okay and didn't mind his missing hand. It was such an awful dream. How weird would it be if I thought it was a great dream? My ex didn't want to help me in the dream - he still hated me. Then near the end he was helping me - we sort of banded together again. I miss him. Drugs and alcohol. They ruin everything. Ugh - that and being crazy. When am I going to be better? I am so fighting these character defects right now. I'm feeling really insecure and - awful. Meanwhile my ego is having a fucking field day. How is that possible? Look the only thing I can say is I never thought I would be able to stop drinking - never. I never thought I could stop smoking pot or being COMPLETELY filled with rage. Now I'm just - sad and lonely. Haha - wow - that made me laugh. Okay - I'm - just - in it I suppose. My point is I never thought I could stop being so self-destructive and now even though it doesn't feel like it's going to change I have to trust that I will stop being so hard on myself and my self-esteem is going to change. My negative thoughts, behaviors and actions will change. I will learn to love myself. Now I'm crying and then I started to laugh and now I feel sick. I would be happy with just some more peace for fuck's sake. I MISS that boyfriend. Okay I miss that boyfriend when he was great. When do I get to be happy, joyous and free? I am my own worst enemy. That Einstein quote that says we can't fix a problem by using the same thinking we used when we made the problem. What? Hold on. "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." He also has a bunch of quotes about the power and importance of imagination. "Once we accept our limits - we go beyond them." Is that where I am right now? I am such a gossip and I - I would rather complain and be a victim then actually change my life. I use excuses and blame. Ha and by ha I mean - Jesus. How awful. I don't want to accept these things. I want someone to save me. Would someone else loving me, helping me, making it all good for me - help - really? Me inside? I don't know. I don't know? I KNOW. I just don't WANT to know. I'm finally at the core of the wart. It's gross. I have to pop it. Grosser. I don't know what I have to do. Love? Try to love. Be kind. Try to be kind. Barf. So barf. Bye Bluebie.

Holy fuck this is so fucking hard.

I am really back in it again. I'm not depressed but I am FEELING more if you can fucking imagine that. I'm not doing enough work is what it really is and I don't want to. I want to lie down and eat scrambled eggs. I did work today. I just - I don't know know how to write all that has happened over the last 5 days or so but I can say this. I am at another fork in the road and this one seems harder to decide which way to go. I know that sentence doesn't make any sense. i can't keep being so angry and I can't keep getting angry because I don't say no to people, put up boundaries or be easy on myself. I'm pretty sure watching 5 hours of Law and Order SVU is not being easy on myself. The smoke has been so bad in the house - holy fuck. The people below me - staying in the room right now - smoke all night long and smoke in the mornings. I hate living there so much. I feel like I am trying to be smoked out. It's crazy. I'm going to have to start sleeping with the window open. The crazy part is he must be smelling the smoke in his room also - how is he not saying anything. Or is it just Boris? Well anyway today I went and looked at places online and I'm going to keep doing that. I found another bill I need/want to pay back and this one - in order for me to be able to afford it - I need to pay it in one lump sum and lord knows how long that is going to take for me to save up for. Maybe not long. I'm so sleepy. I'm sending my cousin a card and a check for her twins. Or just for her and her husband. Holy cow it must be so expensive. I want to blame how sick I feel on the cigarette smoke. I also though - have my period and I didn't get enough sleep. God help me one day I am leaving that place - it's going to happen. There's no smoke right now!! I have another job to go to where there also is no smoke. okay - bye Blueberry. I'm scared - I'm scared I can't do this - be sober and ever be happier or get past my destructive ego. It's scary - so fucking scary. I just want relief and I want to not feel this way. Neither of those things can happen quickly. Bye.

Lord.

I was so grumpy with the cab driver this morning. It is so frustrating to be paying for a cab and then on top of it - he honked at ME to pick me - totes aggressive and then just mosied along. He was - ugh - I don't know. It did occur to me after I got out that perhaps he had a hearing problem and that he didn't speak English very well. He didn't want to drive the way I wanted to drive and when I asked if he had a better way he ignored me. He also was sort of argumentative and going "Okay - okay" in a 'calm down crazy lady kind' of way. Jesus - it made me so mad and it made me upset that I was being a jerk and not trying harder to just communicate. He just didn't do what I WANTED and it made me so fucking mad. There has got to be a better way to deal with that kind of situation. I'm doing the open mike before work tonight to get ready for the show on Sunday. I'm actually excited. I have 2 new jokes to try tonight. It has taken me so long to write on here this morning because I feel so guilty for being a jerk to the cab driver. So I no longer wanted to focus on writing or doing my work because then I'm taking care of myself and how do I have any right to do that - I was grumpy to a cab driver?? I didn't swear at him, steal from him - not pay him or even yell. Okay - but I was a turd and I need to talk to Her Lady Wonder about it. I wanted to bring my uke here today but I thought that was really pushing it. Literally only one person has come in here today. Oh wait two. Two people. Weird. I totally got mad at work last night (shocker) and then I breathed (what? opened my mouth and focused on my breath) and it got so much better. I tried that so many times in the cab today and it didn't work. I was just annoyed and I couldn't let it go. I swear to God I thought the guy was fucking with me and being a jerk on purpose. I know that it isn't true I just couldn't shake or breath my way out of being a turd. I HAVE TO GO!! Bye Bluebie - love youbie.

Bad attitude or.....

I could go about my day which I am doing. What? That doesn't make any sense. I'm not sure if I have a bad attitude or if I'm having a bad day. The smoke was so crazy last night - I guess in reality it's always bad. I just need to take care of myself and stop focusing on it. I want to blame the smoke for making me look hung-over today but I have terrible PMS. So. I prayed/meditated, walked the dog, showered, washed and took my vitamins. I cleaned all day yesterday and getting into a clean bed with clean sheets and fresh clean pillows is absolute heaven. It's frustrating but it's just going to take time for things to change. I don't want to take time....I want to live in the beach house right now and doing tons of art, laughing, cooking and not having any cigarette smoke around. I hate this job - I'm at the store. I get paid the same I got paid to babysit. My shoulder hurts so badly it's crazy. This job is literally hurting me. Why don't I just leave? I'm so confused. I just sit here - I'm writing on here for fuck's sake. There has to be an answer. I look better working here and I take better care of myself. I really don't want to go just back to that comedy club only. It's sooo gross. Okay. I can give myself 6 more months. Here and there. Save money. Get the fuck out of that house. The lady below me was barfing this morning. Okay now I'm crying. My sister just sent me the sweetest message. Oh lord I am so PMs. It's all rainy and dark plus when I woke up I got a flash to be really careful here today. It kind of scared me awake. I asked the other girl to switch a day with me (usually she's my friend who got me the job here but today she's the other girl who works here) but she said no. she doesn't want to switch her schedule around. Plus she took my wrist cushion thing I left here by mistake. Ugh - I hate it here. I think today is not the day to decide anything. I should go Bluebie - byeee.

Okay - here we go - a day off....

I slept okay - only slightly bizarre dreams. To be honest I think the last dream I had was the woman who is staying below me's dream. Well I went to the doctor yesterday and one of the things he told me was that (I think this is what he said) when you have a lot of energy - negative - you have THAT much more energy to use to propel yourself towards what you really want and a balanced life. He didn't say it like that but that is my interpretation. Here is the thing - all my anger and negative thoughts has not gotten what I've wanted. So. Well so so far today I have been thinking about how to use all my anger (which is already coming up) to get what I want. Stopping and changing the direction of the negative thoughts into positive ones. Her Lady Wonder said to stop fighting what I can't fight and use my energy to get what I want. Stop focusing on what I don't want and start focusing on what I do. This is all the same stuff. Changing my thoughts. It's so hard somehow. It's not like not taking a drink or even exercise or working work....but it's so constant and so - fighting against the grain. I feel like I'm taking a Tsunami and trying to change the direction of it. No - that's not it. Well - sort of. My default is to just - get angry, embarrassed and think negative thoughts. Also beat myself up and blah, blah. Okay - so there you go. Right now it reeks of cigarettes in my room and I'm just giving that energy to the place I do want. Oh something else happened.....I got home last night and Boris had some friends over and he and the landlord were all happy again. They even hugged in front of me (ew and barf) to prove it. Well I went upstairs, ate my food, walked the dog and by he time I went back upstairs the landlord was a little weird again - but for a FACT not because of me. Well I got back up here and I was like - okay - right - things are better tonight and I am not going to fight the cigarettes and I am going to revamp my efforts to move out of here. Seriously revamp. I also was like - this is going to change - they will fight and be weird again - it has nothing to do with me and so what? I still want to move. TOTALLY. So I wasn't like - oh everything is fine I will stay here forever - I don't even want to think about what it would take to move. Then when things get all weird again - beat myself up for thinking it could be better. I don't know if I am explaining myself well but it was a real switch of thinking for me as well as SEEING. Seeing the truth of the situation. The doctor said that their situation is wrought with the possibility of drama. He also said drama is a way of not taking responsibility. Huh. I am seeing that it is possible that I am not stuck here. I don't feel so well that being said. At this particular moment. It still smells like cigarettes in her but maybe it's my coffee. I feel tired like I want to lay down and I just got up and I have a lot to do. I have to work on my show for Sunday. I wrote some things down while out and about yesterday. I'm so nervous and scared and I feel so unprepared that I am just sitting on my energy. I feel like there is no way I can do this well so why bother. Yikes. Okay - well - that's not the right way to go about this. Okay - bye.

Ohhhh boy.

Last night was a hard night at the end of the night. Boris was smoking downstairs outside my room - a lot. I asked the landlord if I should stop asking him to not smoke out there since he obviously still is. I realized when I'm not here he still does and last night he just was. Well the landlord got all upset and said they were having a really hard time and then he slapped (I'm not kidding - SLAPPED) the banister and said - twice "It's just just too much!!" I'm not kidding - he slapped the banister. I am living with TWO Bridezillas. Okay - so - I woke up and was upset but here's the thing......it's a beautiful day. I have clean clothes. I have been drinking the regular water instead of so much soda water so I am saving money. I got a decent night's sleep and I have an appointment to see the doctor today. He even told me not to worry about the cigarette smoke so much. I feel terrible about my one plant that is totally dying but maybe it would be anyway. I sent my friend the last payment of the money I owe her. I went to therapy and a meeting yesterday and I had healthy food PLUS - this is the amazing part - I had a half a sandwich in my bag so instead of going out to eat after the meeting - I ate the sandwich and came home. What?? Even after not going out to eat I wanted to walk to Wholefoods and get macaroni and cheese. I did not. The craziest part is I want to blame these guys for me not being able to be creative. There cigarette smoke and negative energy isn't making me watching Law and Order SVU for 5 hours every night. They just aren't. So. SO there you go. I have a show this week. I should find out how much time it is - it's their kick-off show for the season. I want and need to work on this. I almost bought a vest on my home last night too but I didn't. It's so crazy - every minute I have to be vigilant about my behavior. My thoughts. I can't control these guys - I need to accept it and move on. I need to accept that I need to move also from here. How am I going to do that? First I need to get out and do my service at my meeting and go to the doctor and then get myself ready for this show. I need and should get onstage somewhere first. Bye Bluebie - enjoy your cyber day!! Positive powerful thoughts.

Life is like a bicycle....

in order to keep your balance, you must keep moving. Well - thank you to my dear sister for leaving me a wonderful message with that quote. I thought life was about being angry and resentful, eating too much and complaining. Ha!! Not a lot of movement there!!! WOW. What a great quote!! I can feel how true that is. Right now I am all about changing my thoughts by bringing my awareness back to my breath and it is SO hard. So, so, soooo, so, so hard. It is unbelievable (except I knew it) how negative my thoughts are. Negative thinking is so strongly grooved in my brain. Well okay - I know it - I am working on it. That's another of Einstein's quotes, "Watch of you thoughts for they become words,Watch you words for they become actions, watch your actions for they become habits, watch your habits for they become character, watch your character for it becomes your destiny." HOLY SHIT. It's just like The Secret says - it's all about your thoughts and up till now I have had very little control over mine. Or so I thought. I am totally loosing my focus right here. I have things I need to do and it's beautiful outside - I want to go out and enjoy it. Okay - my mind is blown once again!! I will write more later. I got a massage last night. I can't even believe I WANT to do something like that - much less do it. Amazing. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you!!

Holla.

I am progressing and here is how I know. I wanted to eat a bacon, cheddar burger and fries for breakfast but I had a yogurt and a banana instead AND I liked it. I can feel a little bit more of the wound inside of me healing. I can feel myself getting a little more present all the time. Every time I get in my head and start having imaginary fights and reliving the past I open my mouth and bring my awareness to my breath. So I am doing this every 10 minutes or so. I did it at least 8 times already today - a bunch of times in the car on the way here. I am at the store and it is so quiet. I am trying to enjoy it. I am enjoying it. How can I adjust my schedule so I am working more reasonable hours? There has to be a positive way I can do this. the breathing is unbelievable to me. It is what The Presence Process is all about and it is also what my acting technique that I originally learned was all about. Hmmm. It's hard. it's also very foreign to me since holding my breath is my default setting. Well - maybe it used to be but doesn't have to be now. ii really felt today how I was so in my head - thinking negative thoughts - all just UP there in my head. Then I opened my mouth and suddenly I noticed the grass in the park - the day - how comfortable I was where I was sitting - the flow I was involved in. The motion. It's so crazy. Even now I am fighting going into my head. I want (or I am accustomed) to go in my head and think about my ex-boyfriend and how he has a family and blah, blah, blah. It hurts me. Well okay - there we go. Today's lesson. I like it. this is going to be a lot of work but I LIKE it. I also realized how - after talking to my sister yesterday) that I let myself be weak on the inside when I am in my head. I want to work on my inner strength now. Soft body equals strong insides. Sorry - flexible body. Okay - have to go - I should do some work. Love you Bluebie.

Yeesh.

How many titles do I have like that? Yeesh, yikes - over and over. I like those words. I am tired but not exhausted. I am bored out of my mind - today suuuuucks. It's Jewish holiday and it's verrrry quiet. Um - what? I don't know. I had an amazing conversation with my sister. I don't know - my shoulders hurt - I should put these dresses in the computer. I think I might get a nanny cam. In fact - I'm going to look that up right now. See what my landlord is up to. Really? Why? Why would I do that to myself? That really might not be a good idea. It's so lovely out - I can't wait to get out of here!!!! Love you Bluebie!!!

Completely different day today.

I have had such a different day - still strange - but not nearly as awful. I'm so glad I decided to work tonight. I found out all these awful things about soda water - which is all I drink. But if I stop drinking it I will save 1600 dollars a year or so. WHAT??? I mean I suppose that would be taken up by some regular water but WHAT??? Seriously - bye bye soda water. Now if I could just do coffee - holy shit. Soda water is bad for your teeth, skin, hair, nails AND kidneys. Oh AND wallet. What the fuck. I had no idea. Lack luster skin it gives you. Plus makes you have to pee more often. Gross. Well - these are all good reasons. Plus no matter what - regular water is cheaper. I have to pee right now. here's what I think I've learned from ballet and life as a sober person. It's all about balance and no matter what movement is required for balance. When you balance on one leg in ballet you sort of wiggle back and forth or at least I do. Not huge wiggling but sort of light wiggling. Sometimes steadier than others. Anyway between yesterday and today I think I've learned not only that I'm going to go up and down but that I just need ton KNOW that it will change and that I have the power to help assist in the movement towards change. Jesus - I have to go and write my end of the day report and get to a meeting. Byeeee Bluebie - love you.

Jeez.

I was really a mess yesterday. I walked home from work which was great and I went to bed early. I got enough sleep and I still had horrible dreams. These dreams seem to be coming from deep within my subconscious. I dreamed about my parents this time and the farm. It was gone for some reason - wiped out by a terrible storm. This is making me sick to write about it. I was talking to someone about the old days. I am not explaining it well. I made my coffee so strong this morning. I snapped at my boss yesterday - I just couldn't handle the way she was talking to me. She also said in a REALLY patronizing way "No - you aren't listening to me - listen very carefully." Um - that doesn't sound so awful on paper but (or on blog) but it was obnoxious. It was so stressful and she was annoyed I was there at the store instead of the other girl. Which I just realized - she really acts like she doesn't like me. Um - well - she doesn't even know me so why would she. I shouldn't have gotten so short with her but I really just couldn't take feeling like she was about to yell at me. I called an old friend from the program and she said she has been buying Xanax off the street so she doesn't know how sober she is. It was really sad to hear. She isn't drinking but she takes those only 3 times a month when she gets PMS. It really made me sad and it also made me realize why I haven't seen her. Well despite being a complete psycho yesterday I didn't drink or take drugs and I finally feel a bit rested and slightly more balanced. My other friend really did help me explaining feelings aren't facts. I don't know - I know I know. I got home here and I just - I don't know. He was watching me while I was walking the dog. Maybe that isn't a big deal but it totally creeps me out. He acts like he's doing the dishes but he's staring at me out the window. Why? It's so bizarre. I just need to move. If I stopped drinking coffee and soda water I would save so much money. It scares me. Moving and not drinking soda water. What? Exactly. Lord. I need to go - I really have to wash my hair. Bye Blubie - long day - a double. Talk to you later maybe. Ouch in my belly.

Completely filled with rage.

Poisonous, awful, angry rage. Is that a thing even - angry rage? Happy rage? Fuck. I hate this job - I do not want to go there. I am so annoyed. I asked her if I could buy a sweater - she said she was giving me one from last year and she did and both are too big and one is the ugliest color you have ever seen. I am so fucking annoyed right now. I hate this job. I hate my life. I am so upset all of a sudden. I should have never gone and gotten that stupid fucking hair cut with my friend. It ruined my week - now I picked up this shift and more ruined. I have nothing. I know that isn't totally true. I am so fucking mad. I have to go. I really want to just quit this job. I hate the other one also. Here we go - I am getting depressed, angry and starting to have an existential crisis. I dreamed about my dead grandmother. We were at this creepy beach house. Maybe a lake house. I didn't like it. She was dead and I could tell by her hair line and her finger nails that she was starting to rot - just a little. She knew she was dead and she was complaining about my grandfather and how ever since she died she is annoyed at his behavior - how he just sits around and hangs out. There was something about the water and a big rock in the dream. I hated it. Lord have mercy I think I have PMS already. My boobs are seriously hitting the bricks - or starting to. I am not okay - at all. I think this is the time where life starts to get worse and God help me it was never okay. I am dreading - DREADING - doing the 3 doubles over the next 3 days after today. That guy last week - he's so gross and my money depends on the ego of a disgusting creep. If I showed you a picture of him you would be like "ohhh - I get it." It's all in his photo. I can't take it anymore. All this misery and unhappiness and total frustraion. Now people are starting to act like I'm a weirdo because I am not dating or have a boyfriend. How am I supposed to do that when I can't HAVE A GUY OVER? I can't even look at him today. I hate him so much. I'm so stuck. I am so fucking stuck. Really not okay. I do not see today going well at all. Douchey upper east side women is not going to go well today. Maybe something magical will happen on my way to work. I have to go. I am already running late.

When was the last time I wrote on here??

I have had a busy - sort of - couple of days. I saw my cousin - spent time with her and her husband. He is a nice guy. They bought me lunch and it was very sweet. I really needed more alone time that day and on Friday and I spent all day yesterday trying to recover from the weekend. I have got to learn not only to say no to people but to also just say - I need that day to myself - that's all. I am exhausted. I have to work tomorrow at the boutique for my friend - ugh. I managed to say no to her last night when she asked me to come in for 4 hours today. I said I had to run the meeting which isn't true - but when I said it - I mean it. I used to run the meeting on this day. Jesus - I am exhausted. I stayed up till past 4 the last 2 nights watching SVU. That show is so intense - holy cow. It's cold and fallish out and now I want to go to sleep for 4 days. I really - uh oh - I feel like I am getting depressed. What I really feel like is that I am getting a cold or something. I hate these jobs - I can't do it anymore - it's so awful. Okay - I just can't go to that big meeting tonight - I really can't. I need some coffee right now and maybe I will feel better. It's not just a meeting it's also going out afterwards and celebrating someones 90 days. I need to write and work on my art and finish this vision board. I just can't - I really can't. I already feel so used up after this weekend. I need a new job. One job. Or I need to figure out how to change the hours of these jobs. I'm so resentful that my time was taken on my days off. I - didn't say no - or even - just - hold on - let me think about it. I went to therapy yesterday and talked about it, then I bought myself a coat and a winter hat. Jeez. My hair looks good. That is the ONLY reason I want to leave the house - my hair looks good. Jesus. It might not be enough though. I need a meeting and I need to meditate for a long time. I also need to exercise - I totally got out of my yoga swing. I was doing so well and then in Florida my aunt told me to do sit-ups and it ruined me. I keep thinking how she said she wanted to hook me up with someone "after I start doing sit-ups." I had worked so hard to get to the point I was there. Jesus. I am not okay today. I think I should write my morning pages also. I am being hard on myself. How can I fix this - I feel stuck. Okay - Jesus. I will be back later.

Holy fuck.

I'm here at the boutique and I feel like I am hung over. I just simply can not work here after working till 2:30 in the morning. I am so tired and I feel so gross and it is impossible for me to wake up in time to look good. Oh dear - this is awful. Well.....I don't know. I suppose this is the place where I am to decide nothing. Okay - right. I just had some breakfast so okay. I didn't take my vitamins or drink my green drink or bring any water with me. I couldn't even wash my hair. I only slept 5 hours - ouch. I'm not even going to keep writing about this. My cousin is in town and - oh dear. How do people do it? Live and sleep and see people and not completely lose their shit? Work was so bad at work last night and per usual for me I got mad. Then the bus boy got mad at me. Then the bouncer got mad at me for getting mad at him. Lord. My life is so much cleaner. I just have to keep cleaning. I need to talk to my therapist about this. I need to bring something to the cleaners to get sewn right now. I should do work while I am here for now. I hope I wake up soon - I feel so out of it. Oh I am being hard on myself - not good. Gentle - gentle. Geeeeeennntttllle. Byeeeeee.

Hi blog!!

Hiiii!! Since I only worked at the comedy club last night it was soooo much easier. Holy cow. I also walked there from the 5:30 meeting so it was good to get some exercises. I am meeting someone today at 3:30 downtown to help her get a haircut? She doesn't want to go alone - I understand so I'm going. Plus maybe I would like it there - who knows. I slept and watched Forbidden Planet last night - well the rest of it. What an amaaaazing movie!! I looooved it. Netflix is so great. Let's see I have a double tomorrow and then what? Service on Sunday and then I don't know. Cretona moved out and I'm not sure but I think he was being a dick about it. Or not - I wasn't here when he left and I called and the night before I scared him - or he scared me when he was sitting on the back steps. I flung the door open and I didn't realize he was there and I had tons of garbage I was throwing out. I sort of was like get away from me because I hate when they stare at me when I'm throwing out my garbage. He looked really sad though and that was our last interaction. He would like Forbidden Planet. Well whatever - he's over living here I guess and I would never have sex with him soooooo. I guess he could still come back. He is cute - I always thought he was cute. But having sex with him would have been a disaster. Not good. Unless it was good. What? Nooooo - never. In a way I feel bad for him. Well - he needs to be off and doing his own thing - I hope he is happy and I need to work on my resentments over him. I heard a man say yesterday (and I am sure I have heard this before but I REALLY heard him) how for him resentments are like drinking. How he can't afford to take one sip of a resentment or he is off and running in the wrong direction. He didn't say it like that. He said he can't stop once he starts and how it's totally poisonous and addictive. Which is how it feels to have resentments. It's so - heavy also. Like carrying around stuff I don't need. It's so strange though - because I have operated from that place for so long it seems so EMPTY not being that way. holy cow - talk about cleaning out a closet. Jeez - so symbolic. It really is so crazy that I cleaned out my closet and my room this week and then I heard that man say that. Or it's not crazy at all. Ha - lameness. For me - cleaner is just how it has to be. Which is what normal people know already. I'm having my coffee and I have not much time before I need to leave to go meet her at the hair saloon. I almost totally forgot and before I saw her reminder messge I felt this pulling inside of me - like a sadness coming on. How does my body know so much but my brain is like "What?? I'm going to do my nails and sleep till 12:30." Bye Bluebie.