Hi Bluebie.

I'm at the boutique and some guy just walked by screaming (in a really odd voice) about his supervisor and prison. Sooo I locked the door. I am here - I am clean - I prayed and meditated this morning and I have all I need to make this day happen. I can't WAIT to go to a meeting. It's rainy out and I think because I have PMS it's really effecting my mood. I cried myself to sleep last night - I was SO emotional and I didn't even realize it. I got home yesterday after tromping around the wet city and I cleaned, washed some clothes, ran errands and got myself ready for this weekend. I gave myself a leg massage and I really tried to take care of myself. I got in bed, put the heating pad on my shoulder and meditated. I had a thought though while I was trying to talk to God (I know) where I was just like "I don't know if I can keep fighting the good fight" and then I started bawling. Which then made me start laughing because of the guests staying there trying to have a romantic getaway in a bed and breakfast and I'm crying myself to sleep above them. Then I kept crying because I realized how lonely I was and how much I want a family, love - a LIFE. I know I have a life but I mean LOVE. hugs and warmth for fuck's sake. I can't remember the last time I didn't just wake up angry and I guess part of me thinks if I just had love in my life that wouldn't happen. I just think it would be so much more loving and wonderful to wake up to a lover instead off Boris cigarette smoke. Although - hello - I could wake up to a beautiful man and someone else's cigarette smoke. Okay. I am ready for love - I want that - I miss it so much. I also want a baby. I know - it's so insane and maybe it's just hormones but I really want to experience family life - a healthy,loving family life. They brought me the wrong yogurt. I'm so upset except it's still yogurt. Man - I have PMS. I should be grateful. I need to write a gratitude list. I'm going to go do that. I can fight the good fight today I think. I'm going to do my best. Be nice to myself. That's the best place to start. It really feels like starting at the bottom of the mountain sometimes but I'm going to practice it today - being nice to myself. Byeeeee Bluebie.