Discomfort.

I'm so uncomfortable.  Physically and emotionally.  I didn't eat too badly at Christmas but I ate some sugar and some dairy.  The snake doctor has told me to stay away from these things and to basically break the sugar addiction.  Um so clearly I didn't do that over Christmas.  I could have brought stuff I guess but I didn't.  I had a brunch here at my house the day before and I made a casserole that no one liked really and a dessert that only like 2 of us liked.  That being said I will get better at cooking things and OH FUCKING WELL.  Jesus this is what is so hard about this - it feels like I am getting sober again and like I cant have all the stuff that other people have.  I can't drink, smoke eat dairy or sugar and soon - NO BACON IM SURE.  Deep breaths.  Fuck it's just discomfort and it will pass.  It is just super uncomfortable.  It's not excruciating it's just - uncomfortable.  I think you get the picture.  Anyway this morning I made a chocolate chia seed pudding and I think it's going to be delicious.  I love to cook so it's going to be fine and super healing.  And there is some reason some stored up shit for why I keep doing this.  I just need to let it through.  I will be better for it on the other side but right now I want pizza with a side of baked brie.  With ice cream!  I mean that's the problem - I ate all that shit at Christmas and now I'm detoxing.  Oh I see okay that is what is happening I'm detoxing.  Alright well I need to exercise.  Get my exercise on.  Do my little bit of yoga and then jog on the treadmill.  I'm up to 21 minutes now - that's pretty good. I guess today I will run a little bit faster too.  Here's a list of what I am going to try to do today.

1. Stay grateful - I live in this nice, quiet apartment and I get to just work on myself for hours and hours all the time.  Serious gratitude for that.
2. Exercise - it's one of the keys - major keys - my thinking shifts when I do and I feel so so much better walking around in my body throughout the day.
3. Drink water.  I get crazy when I'm dehydrated.
4. Eat healthy.
5.  Love big.  Love honestly.  Love through the discomfort.
6. Punch myself.
7. KEEP MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

Healthy.

I want to live.  It's hard to say that somehow because it's - what?  THE TRUTH?  Has to do with ME??  I have these 2 diseases.  Alcoholism - which makes me super self-centered and Alanonism (not correct term probs) which mkes me shove myself and my feelings aside, hyper focus on other people and not take care of myself.  Flip side of same disease coin.  So it's hard to say I want to live.  At this moment it feels selfish.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Good Christ.  It also feels self-centered.  OH BOY.  Well here we go - maybe it is.  Who gives a flying fuck.  I have something to offer and I have something to offer that is WONDERFUL.  I am once again reminded of what a magnificent creation I am.  We all are but I am the one in this particular being boat and so that's what I have to take care of.  And I want to.  This is the crazy part - ready?  I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH TO TAKE CARE OF THIS BEING BOAT.  I have my alcoholism, my alanonism and now my cancer.  So oh boy.  The crazy part is having all these things and having them to take care of is probably what is going to ultimately save me.  This is the thing though....okay.....every year I make goals at the beginning of the year.  This year I want to transcend my anger.  I don't want to ignore my feelings - I want to move past getting stuck in the anger.  It feels so unhealthy in my body and I want my body to be happy now.  I want my body to fell good so I can grow and LIVE.  Literally stay alive.  I honestly and truly feel I have been kept alive for a reason and I want to fulfill that reason.  I honor and respect my life.  How is it possible that I just happened to have health insurance during this time?  How is it that I happened to go to the doctor and she felt something, it was nothing but because I went and got the mammogram they found the cancer?  And then because they did the surgery the way they did it they found the OTHER cancer that was surely going to kill me and you couldn't even SEE on the mammogram or really on the MRI.I just have to trust.  Trust, do my work, move forward with love.  focus on myself.  It's so hard.  It feels lonely somehow.  I hear other voices in my head, negative ones that say these things aren't real.  That nothing matters.  Negativity is okay - it's who we all are.  I hear voices that say I don't have these diseases even - I don't need to do this work - I'm crazy.  Voices that say that I can never be more that I am, I am who I am - the program is in place - what is is.  Well gross.  BARF.  I WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BE EXCITED TO LIVE.  I woke up too early this morning but I wanted to get up.  I was excited.  I wanted to pray & meditate & write so I would have time to exercise and get to an alanon meeting.  WHAT COULD BE MORE EXCITING LOL.  This is just it - this is what I have to do to keep my spirit and my mind healthy.  I do it happily.  I feel better when I go to meetings - I feel my body healing when I am in meetings.  I feel better in my body when I exercise.  What I would really like to be able to do this next year is take care of myself and do it without being angry at other people.  What am I trying to say?  I want to live and grow in love.  I don't have to be upset because other people don't want to do that!  ITS ALL ALANON.  how fucking annoying is that??  HA.  Sooooooo clearly I have plenty to do!  Breathe.  Breathe and stay on the path one day at a time.  Yes.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Well........

I have realized something.  Yes I am always realizing something but this something - is important.  To me!!  So I wrote in my journal before I wrote on here this morning and I was writing about some people that I have felt upset about.  Good!  Also my part in these relationships that continue to not only cause me strife but do not nourish me.  There I said it.  The crazy part was that as I was writing in my journal, being as honest as I could about my feelings and what I thought was going on with these relationships and again what my part in them is - I STARTED TO LIE A LITTLE BIT.  Why you ask?  Or maybe you didn't ask - maybe you just stopped reading because you were like "Oh my fucking God I can't stand this bullshit I need to eat a bagel.  Or a muffin or pizza and a calzone."  Maybe you didn't say any of those things and that's just what I would say and I want to just eat those things myself right now - ANYWAY.  I started to lie a little bit because I didn't want to hurt these people's feelings.  In my journal.  That they will never read.  That probably no one will ever read.  Good fucking God does it get more alanonic than that?  Probably.  Should I say codependent?  I never really have registered fear so readily.  Or at least that's what I am saying right at this moment.  But today I say it.  In my writing.  Just afraid to say my own truth.  So here's the truth.  I just have continued in my sobriety to try to get something from relationships that don't nourish me.  They are like pretend relationships.  Some of them I have moved past because I felt SO toxic with these people.  But other ones, not so much.  And it's okay.  It's really okay.  It's just once again about me being responsible for myself and not for trying to tell other people how to live.  Also it's my responsibility to say to myself "This relationship is like McDonalds.  Or like a muffin.  Or cheese fires (Yuuuuuum).  THEY DONT NOURISH ME - even if for brief moments that occasionally give me a warm feeling.  GOD - I still don't feel like I am being completely honest but it's okay.  I have so much to do today to get ready for the holidays and this weekend in general.  I had therapy this week and I realized how blocked I am about receiving abundance.  Side note I would never tell this to normal people.  Maybe I would.  Maybe I wouldn't.  I probably wouldn't.  ANYWAY.  I am blocked!  It's also abundance from people although it is so so soooooo much better.  Fine.  good.  Great.  You know what she said?  "Well we can't fix something until we are aware of it - so it's wonderful that you are aware of it."  Greeeeaaaaaaat.  Haha.  So fucking annoying.  Now I'm at the beginning.  Ha!  But how fucking great is that?  Some people never realize anything and I am REALIZING STUFF ALL THE TIME.  Good Christ this is all so much work right?  Well it's all work as far as I can tell - it's just which way do I want to do the work.  Up or down.  UP OR DOWN?  In or out??  FAT OR IN SHAPE?  Which pain man??  WHICH FUCKING PAIN??  I think maybe it's actually discomfort or pain.  Okay I am going with the uncomfortable choice.  I can not handle the pain anymore.  Plus I don't have any wiggle room - I had CANCER.  I was going to DIE.  If this was 100 years ago or honestly even 20 - I would be dying full on right now if not dead already.  So I choose discomfort.  Now I have to exercise.  It's 10:47 am and I am SO TIRED hahaha.  Okay let's do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I don't Want My Life To be Wasted - THE MUSICAL!

Here are the lyrics to the opening number - a cancer patient runs out onstage to the streets of New York City and she's pulling her IV bag and IV bag hanging thingy and it's all plugged into her arm where she's getting chemo presently - she's just watched The Jane Fonda biography and she's VERY inspired!!

She belts out -

Jane!!!
Jaaaaaaaannneeee!!!
Jane didn't want her life to be wasted and NEITHER dooooo IiiiiiiIIIiiiiiiiiii -

(music starts playing more softly)
I might have gotten cancer but it was just a wake-up call
OR maybe it's not at all and I'm gonna fall
Or maybe I'm meant to live and live well and be sure to TEEEELLLLLLL
My story
My story (music starts building again)
My story of how I finally broke free from my cancer and mostly
Frooooommmm MEeeeeEEEEEEEEEE.

(MUSIC BUILDS BIG TIME & SHE BELTS)

I DONT WANT MY LIFE TO BE WASTED!!!!
I CANT STAND WASTING FOOD!
IF I CANT STAND WASTING FOOD THAN HOW CAN I THINK OF CONSCIOUSLY WASTING MY LIIIIIIIIFEEEEEE????
IM HERE FOR A REASON
NOT JUST FOR THIS SEASON
AND EVEN IF IM NOT IM GONNA MAKE TODAY COUNT AND I AM.NOT.GONNA.
WAAAAAAST. MY . TIIIIIIIIIIME.

(Music Stops)
She slams the IV holder up and down & says
I'm not gonna waste my life.

Then she runs off dragging the IV thing.


Next scene is of her funeral.   


HA NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooo.

________________________________________________________________


I'm just fucking changing man.  I'm here for a reason and I just plain and simple do not want to waste my life.  This year was FUCKING NUTS.  Today was my second to last treatment.  I cried like 5 times.  I'm grateful to be alive.  I want to make some kind of difference.  I don't even have the opportunities that Jane Fonda did but I can still make a difference and I think I'm meant to.  That's it!  I am so fucking tired - gotta eat my soup.  It's kale, sweet potato, regular potato, herbs, onions and garlic in beef bone broth.  ITS SO GOOD and healing feeling.  I like that - the healing feeling.  Maybe I don't like that.  HA.  Byeeeeeeee.

A Dream

I dreamed that there was this really fat guy - at least 400 pounds but on the shorter side so his fat was really sagging around him - right?  Well in the dream he kept tucking his fat back around himself - shoving it to the back of him so that it was making him look smaller in the front.  He was saying to me (and he was kind of squatting down and his back was pressed against the wall to help keep the shoved fat in place) "So when I do this trick I just pick up the fat and I shooooove it back.....once there's a good amount of it back there....I pick up some more and shoooove that back there...I work my way around this front fat and just keep shoving it to the back - see??"  Then he sort of turned around and showed me how all his fat was shoved and held back there by the wall and something else I didn't understand and how his front looked like he lost about 75-100 pounds.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DREAM ABOUT???  Do I have an eating disorder now?  Always??  UGH.  Last weekend I dreamed my friend was showing me how she fed her cat and it was by putting him in a giant bowl of fruit loops and letting him swim around and eat in there.  I don't know.  all I know is today is day 6 of no dairy, sugar (except bacon and rotisserie chicken - HA) or gluten.  Well bread even of any kind.  I have to go into the city for a show and I am nervous because that's when I always seem to lose it.  After shows.  I just get so uncomfortable and then I want something.  I have to say I'm pretty fucking uncomfortable right now already and I'm still home!  I just need to do what I do here - plan and bring stuff with me.  I can do that.  Plus I am just going in, doing the show and leaving.  It won't be too long of night.  I have to say I feel better after writing in my journal and writing on here.  I didn't go to my meeting this morning and stayed home to meditate and write.  I'm glad I did that.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

A List.

Here's  list of what is happening with me right now:

1. My hair is growing back
2. My pubes stopped being white and don't even have grays anymore - WEIRD
3. My eyelashes have grown back almost 3/4 of the way.
4. I got up early this morning so I have time to write this list.
5. I don't know
6. Reading Jessi Klein's book You'll Grow Out of It and it's very inspiring to the writer in me
7. Snake Doctor says no more sugar - today is day 5 no sugar
8. #7 is a lie because I have had some sugar in my bacon (comes in almost all bacon) and in the rotisserie chicken I got (also most rotisserie chicken has some sugar)
9.  BUT I haven't had candy, chocolate, muffins BREAD, cheese on and on
10. #9 is a lie because I have had Lily's chocolate bars or one bar but it doesn't have added sugar just stevia. 
11.  Snake doctor also says NO DAIRY.  Only he says it very calmly and WITHOUT SHAME. 
12.  I made an amazing mushroom, potato soup with lots of garlic - I pureed it and although it looks 100% disgusting it's delicious and extremely comforting to eat.  I ate some yesterday before I went to the kids - 2 bowls!
13.  I went to an outgoing with my guy and another woman last night (it's where you go speak at another AA meeting and "carry the message" basically).  I FARTED THE WHOLE TIME FROM THAT FUCKING SOUP.
14.  I will eat more of that soup today I don't give A FUCK.  It's good and I'm not wasting it.  The whole time I was farting I was like "Oh well I'm farting WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
15. I have been putting a castor oil pack on my breast and it's helping.
16.  My boobs look crazy but I don't care.  I love my body and its scars.  I am grateful and I am going to do the best I can to heal myself and allow myself to be healed and trust my body.
17. NOT EATING SUGAR THIS TIME OF YEAR OR DAIRY IS SO FUCKING HARD.
18. I have to go.
19.  I have to go because I need to exercise and I don't want to.
20. I still have to go.

Love you Bluebie byeeeeeeee.

I THINK MY BRAIN IS HEALING

I know this is going to sound crazy and maybe I am just imaging it but - MAYBE NOT.  So I had that breakthrough right?  And I read that book about the power of the subconscious mind and the pamphlet about going on a brain diet - okay - WELL.  Last night I was driving home - it doesn't matter - I had a thought and it was negative and it was a bout a friend whom (who?) I have a strained relationship with.  Or at least that's what I was thinking about.  Then suddenly I has this INCREDIBLY healthy thought about our relationship and I could feel something in my brain literally shift.  God I don't even know if I can explain it.  It's like I could feel my thoughts move to a healthier part of my brain or at least move away from that old, conditioned grooved place of negative, victim thinking.  So I told my guy and I started to research this one supplement the snake doctor gave me (he said that many people who get cancer are low on this antioxidant?  Omg I don't even know what the fuck it is but it tastes like pineapples) and it's the only thing I have been taking that I have never taken before or could be doing much of anything.  I mean I have obviously no fucking clue scientifically what I am talking about but the way my brain feels is that it's healing.  It's changing!  My thoughts are different and from - more of a place of power.  It feels like I am thinking more the way I used to think 20 years ago.  Of course I woke up this morning and was thinking negatively and blah blah but I did my thing, prayed & meditated and I felt much better by the time I was done meditating.  I researched the - okay I just looked it up - it's an antioxidant and it's called glutathione - I researched a little more the glutathione and yes it can help with brain health.  It's a super antioxidant.  Look it may also be that I am in therapy, go to alanon, go to AA and now that I am operating more from my subconscious - no no that's not it.  GOD THIS IS SO HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS.  Now that I am putting stuff more in my subconscious and letting my subconscious work it out - I am much less obsessed and thinking about things.  Who the fuck knows.  I just realized me writing this doesn't make it sound like I am thinking LESS ABOUT ANYTHING - haha.  I'm sure it's recovery all around.  We recover what we lost.  I lost my mind and my power and perhaps now I am finally getting them back a little bit.  Okay well anyway I am so tired.  I just have a phone session with the snake doctor and then the kids and my meeting and service tonight.  Then I can go to bed early!  Alrighty well there you go.  Feeling my brain thinking - that's what's going on over here!  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Recovery.

I pray & meditate every morning.  I also read from a little pile of books.  Some of them are "conference approved literature" of the 2 programs I focus on (Alanon & AA) and a couple are from Melody Beattie who I LOVE.  Just a side note - wow would I NEVER EVER want to write about this in regular life which is so crazy because it is a huge part of my life but alas no one really wants to hear about it and I also very much enjoy keeping it private.  SO.  So I read from 2 of her books - they are daily readers and in one of them last week she talked about recovery and it means "we recover something we lost."  MIND BLOWN.  I'm sure that's the most obvious thing in the world but I had no fucking clue somehow - or I heard it and I forgot or whatever - anyway it just truly landed with me.  I think it helped that I had that breakthrough in therapy because what it feels like is happening is I am recovering MY THINKING.  I don't know - again another slogan in AA is that "We Came for our Drinking and Stayed for Our Thinking."  I'm sure I have written that before but anyway so my thinking was so so negative (look for many many examples in past posts on this blog) and when I got cancer it was just so clear to me how much my thinking hurts me.  Okay so.  God it is so fucking difficult to stay on track with what I am trying to say.  I will just say it like this......today I am worried about a show next week.  Okay?  I am worried about getting the audience there so that it will be a great show.  I am not having much luck so far.  My co-producer hasn't brought very many people to the show so far (1 person each show) which is fine because she is wonderful and she hosts and I love her and I was able to work my own magic (side note this is why I am thinking very much about not producing anymore it's like doing bringer shows on a whole different more stressful level - kind of).  So I wanted to ask my coproducer if she is going to have any guests - I felt pushy and obnoxious and then was plotting how I could do this and blah blah - it all felt negative and manipulative and then - and then I just thought to myself "You can just ask her and be honest about what you are asking.  THAT'S IT.  Easy peasy."  So that's what I did.  She was super nice about it and I don't know if it will change a thing but glory to God on high it was at least 85% more pleasant than many many of the exchanges I have had with people where I am being passive aggressive and I don't know.  I think you know what I am trying to say.  But more than that my thinking was much calmer.  Holy fuck I am so tired from writing this.  I also have the heat JACKED UP and I'm hot.  Okay so yeah there you go.  Recovery of my BRAIN.  Is that a fucking MIRACLE OR WHAT??  I have say in a huge part it's because of the cancer.  I had to stop thinking about the same obsessive thoughts and focus on getting through the treatment and the biopsies and all the crazy shit that came along with the cancer.  I think it gave my brain a rest and time for some new grooves to be grooved.  Also I am inching towards 10 years and my guy always says at double digit sobriety things really change.  Whatever one day at a tie I'm not even thinking that far ahead.  What I am trying to say is that along with that breakthrough I can feel my thinking healing and good fucking GOD if there is something that I want more than anything it's to have healthy thinking again.  To be in my own fucking brain again - to want to know who I am and express ME.  Jesus.  Clearly I am all about the slogans today so here is one more....I want to be Happy, Joyous and Free.  That is really what we recover.  And if we never had it then we get it but in a lot of ways in my life before - the long before I got really sick in a lot of ways - I was Happy, Joyous and Free.  A huge part of me loved my mind and my expression and I felt I had something to contribute.  SO.  GREAT.  Gotta go do my thing and I will write more another time when I have changed my mind about all of this and I'm miserable - haha nooooo.  I wanted to write this don so I can remember.  And I wanted to share it with you.  Life can get better.  Love you bluebie byeeee.  PS  It's all about the thinking.