Friday, December 7, 2018
I pray & meditate every morning. I also read from a little pile of books. Some of them are "conference approved literature" of the 2 programs I focus on (Alanon & AA) and a couple are from Melody Beattie who I LOVE. Just a side note - wow would I NEVER EVER want to write about this in regular life which is so crazy because it is a huge part of my life but alas no one really wants to hear about it and I also very much enjoy keeping it private. SO. So I read from 2 of her books - they are daily readers and in one of them last week she talked about recovery and it means "we recover something we lost." MIND BLOWN. I'm sure that's the most obvious thing in the world but I had no fucking clue somehow - or I heard it and I forgot or whatever - anyway it just truly landed with me. I think it helped that I had that breakthrough in therapy because what it feels like is happening is I am recovering MY THINKING. I don't know - again another slogan in AA is that "We Came for our Drinking and Stayed for Our Thinking." I'm sure I have written that before but anyway so my thinking was so so negative (look for many many examples in past posts on this blog) and when I got cancer it was just so clear to me how much my thinking hurts me. Okay so. God it is so fucking difficult to stay on track with what I am trying to say. I will just say it like this......today I am worried about a show next week. Okay? I am worried about getting the audience there so that it will be a great show. I am not having much luck so far. My co-producer hasn't brought very many people to the show so far (1 person each show) which is fine because she is wonderful and she hosts and I love her and I was able to work my own magic (side note this is why I am thinking very much about not producing anymore it's like doing bringer shows on a whole different more stressful level - kind of). So I wanted to ask my coproducer if she is going to have any guests - I felt pushy and obnoxious and then was plotting how I could do this and blah blah - it all felt negative and manipulative and then - and then I just thought to myself "You can just ask her and be honest about what you are asking. THAT'S IT. Easy peasy." So that's what I did. She was super nice about it and I don't know if it will change a thing but glory to God on high it was at least 85% more pleasant than many many of the exchanges I have had with people where I am being passive aggressive and I don't know. I think you know what I am trying to say. But more than that my thinking was much calmer. Holy fuck I am so tired from writing this. I also have the heat JACKED UP and I'm hot. Okay so yeah there you go. Recovery of my BRAIN. Is that a fucking MIRACLE OR WHAT?? I have say in a huge part it's because of the cancer. I had to stop thinking about the same obsessive thoughts and focus on getting through the treatment and the biopsies and all the crazy shit that came along with the cancer. I think it gave my brain a rest and time for some new grooves to be grooved. Also I am inching towards 10 years and my guy always says at double digit sobriety things really change. Whatever one day at a tie I'm not even thinking that far ahead. What I am trying to say is that along with that breakthrough I can feel my thinking healing and good fucking GOD if there is something that I want more than anything it's to have healthy thinking again. To be in my own fucking brain again - to want to know who I am and express ME. Jesus. Clearly I am all about the slogans today so here is one more....I want to be Happy, Joyous and Free. That is really what we recover. And if we never had it then we get it but in a lot of ways in my life before - the long before I got really sick in a lot of ways - I was Happy, Joyous and Free. A huge part of me loved my mind and my expression and I felt I had something to contribute. SO. GREAT. Gotta go do my thing and I will write more another time when I have changed my mind about all of this and I'm miserable - haha nooooo. I wanted to write this don so I can remember. And I wanted to share it with you. Life can get better. Love you bluebie byeeee. PS It's all about the thinking.