Lump.

I found a lump in my armpit on Sunday - stopped me in my tracks.  Thought about healing while I stared at the wall and then felt again and it seemed to be gone.  I was like MY MIND IS MAGIC.  Then I felt again the next day and felt it again.....went to chemo yesterday and had the nurse feel it - she told me to get it checked.  I have an appointment tomorrow for a mammogram and ultrasound - early in the morning thank God.  I am so scared.  I felt it again today in the shower and it's big with a nard center and honestly that doesn't seem good.  I'm also so tired.  Not so tired - fatigued.  I'm so over this even though I have known that it wasn't quite over yet.  I can't go through another biopsy and I can't - I don't know - I don't know what I can't.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  The guy is having a hard time and so he's - pulling on me and I don't have anything to give.  How am I supposed to take care of myself?  Am I just hormonal and this is nothing?  I'm in chemo - so growing cancer seems strange but I have never felt a lump under my armpit before.  In my armpit whatever.  It's on the same side as where the cancer was.  I don't know.I have been angry the last couple of days....the guy - it's so hard - he's upset and super negative......I feel like it's so selfish of him and maybe it is - the problem is that he is crossing my emotional boundaries - that's what it is.  If he were on my foot it would be so much easier - I would say "Get the fuck off my foot."  But with the emotional boundaries it feels like I'm not supposed to have them - only I am.  We all are.  He doesn't know where they are though.  Oh for fuck's sake relationships are so much fucking WORK.  But mostly I just want to either be supported or left the fuck ALONE.  I have no idea what to do.  I'm going to meditate.  Love you Bluebie bye.

My Mind

I have a powerful mind....dare I say brain.....and when I use it well I see powerful results.  So now, now I want to use my mind well and IT IS SO HARD.  It must be what people feel like who have never exercised!  My brain is just hard wired for negativity!  That being said - I LOVE A CHALLENGE.  I really do.  I mother-fucking LOVE a challenge.  So that's good because holy fuck this is one.  My friend sent me a pamphlet about taking a mental diet and it has blown my fucking mind.  I just am so keenly aware right now that if I continue to have the same thoughts and attitudes this cancer will come back and maybe already is back.  HOWEVER it doesn't have to stay.  I believe that.  I feel like once again in my life I am at a fork in the road.  Jesus I just wrote fork and then instantly thought to myself "yum food fork I love food cake fork for cake yum."  OKAY.  SO.  HE suggests in the book really thinking about taking the mental diet before you take it so I am thinking about it.  Sort of like what I had to do to get ready for the Whole 30 diet - I had to change all my condiments and get tons of different staples.  I'm so tired right now.  I had 2 auditions today and therapy.  It's amazing how exhausting it is to sit around waiting for the next audition.  I went to a nice French restaurant and had chicken paillard.  It was delicious - very fresh with fresh veggies.  I love French food.  Then I had a little molten chocolate cake with fresh berries.  I am having a hard time staying away from the sugar.  But you know what?  IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD.  Balance.  Happiness.  Joy.  Positive thoughts and cake.  On a very positive note I have been jogging a fair amount.  Where do I find the doctor who will tell me it's okay to eat some cake?  Honestly and maybe I am lying to myself but it feels like it would be healthier for me to eat a little cake and be really positive then to eat a perfect diet but be angry as fuck.  So yeah.  But maybe once a month cake.  I also had a milky way last night.  I felt sick by the end of it. Haha that made me laugh - BLOG CONFESSIONS - so dramatic!  I did feel sick though yikes.  I have to go make dinner - we are having salmon and asparagus - I can't wait - xoxoxo

Never Fear Cancer Again

- it's the name of another book I am reading - and once again it breaks it down so simply.....that we get sick for 2 reasons - deficiency and toxicity.  Okay - YES - but what I read last night that blew my mid was this....let me find it....it goes along the same lines I am already constantly thinking about - mental health - a fresh mind - a mind pointed to the light - being positive - let me find it.....here it is "Thoughts can change your body chemistry, for better or for worse, in a matter of seconds.  Each and every thought has a physical effect.  You can think your way into cancer, and you can think your way out."  THIS BLEW MY MIND.  Okay I was going to type out more quotes but honestly it's this - he says what you think about is even MORE important than the food you eat and the food you eat is EXTREMELY important.  So that has been my biggest challenge in sobriety - negative thinking and being enraged.  Wow - I wrote that and got light-headed - it's also dark in here.  But anyway so - so that's it.  I don't know what else to say - it's the power of the mind and body - it's what we feed ourselves in everyway.  You know what I will just keep it on myself - to me it seems - what I am feeding myself mentally is it - what type of food am I giving my mind?  Powerful thoughts?  Kind, warm and loving thoughts?  I AM SO TIRED - haha.  I had a late show last night and I was so jazzed up from it I couldn't sleep.  But you know what?  It's okay because I started to read this book!  The holistic doctor told me to read it.  So this author say it's 6 pathways to health (or disease) - here they are - ready???

1. nutrition
2. toxic
3. mental
4. physical
5. genetic
6. medical

Was that exciting or what?  Anyway the real point is that for me what opened my mind was how effected my whole body is by negative thinking.  Feed your body crap and you get sick - think negative thoughts and - you get sick.  Off I go to a meeting - byyyye.

I can do this....

I can do this I can do this I can do this - that's what I always say to myself in my head - I can do this - I can remember why I'm in this room - I can get my list of things done - I can make a list of things to do - I can organize myself.  I can let my shoulders drop so that I am not completely stressed out.  Whoa.  Okay - when I wrote that my shoulders dropped.  I have a lot to do and it's all things I want to do but it's raining and I just so want to go back to bed.  I am taking so many supplements and magic potions and I have to super focus to take the right ones at the right time and the correct amount of each - each day.  My head is a little cloudy today.  We went to my family yesterday and I ate things I shouldn't have.  Nothing horrible just bread and some dairy.  Also one cookie.  But I also had a piece of pizza Saturday night and a doughnut.  OH MY GOD - I am just - what?  Human that's all and I love food.  The good news is that I am eating 85% better than I used to before.  So before I ate that pizza Saturday I ate a big salad.  And yesterday I ate Salad and just now I ate salad.  It's okay I am a work in progress.  I also omg now I am forgetting again what I was going to say oh YES I am also exercising more.  I jogged 3 times last week and today I did my little bit of yoga, stretched and got on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes.  There is some sort of buzzing sound from outside - someone must be doing some sort of construction and I am finding it very distracting.  So I am going to wrap up this post by saying that now I want to say to myself - I can do this and I can do it without completely stressing myself out.  Stress isn't good for the body.  So I can do this.....it feels different right?  Quiet power.  WORD.  Byeeeeeeee Bluebie.

Mental Health

Well despite what might seem very obvious I have never ever really fully intellectually clicked in with how important for my overall health it is to be MENTALLY HEALTHY.  Last night we were sitting on the couch and I was looking through instagram and a picture came up of this woman who is a sex doctor and she was wearing a sexy outfit - only it wasn't sexy and she grosses me out - I DONT KNOW WHY AND I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.  Maybe she is doing great work in the world!  I think part of it is because she told my sister that if my guy and I needed help having sex she could help us.  Okay yeah that's definitely a huge part of it - ANYWAY I DONT EVEN KNOW HER REALLY and then I was complaining about her right?  So my guy says to me so sweetly that this is part of the negativity that I am trying to avoid in order to get healthy.  Which of course I found completely fucking annoying - until this morning when I was meditating and I really suddenly understood mental health.  Healthy thinking, kindness, redirecting what comes in - keeping that garden in my brain clean and fresh.  IT BLEW MY MIND.  Ugh I'm exhausted.  It has been so much work just getting to this place in my life.  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  Alright well good for me.  It's like I bought an old ass house that's falling apart and I have been redoing it for decades.  At best I have been cleaning it the fuck out after a hoarder lived there.  A HOARDER LIVED IN MY BODY HOUSE BRAIN/MIND.  Haha.  Gotta go - sex appointment with the guy.  Love you Bluebie bye!

How many doctors does it take to fuck a lightbulb?

I really don't know but probably not many.  I AM OVERWHELMED.  I have been to - so far this week - chemo therapy with all sorts of blood tests, then the doctor there, my living with cancer group - talked to people there about all this shit, saw a nutty Chinese doctor but okay cool, then I met with my Snake Doctor who I love so much and HE told me what he thought was going on and then again I spoke with my oncologist about other options and 2 things are happening right now.  3.  3 things are happening......1. my eye is twitching like crazy because I feel stressed out about having 3 different types of doctors tell me what to do BUT it's also probably twitching because I had afternoon coffee and I made it strong actually it's ALSO probably why I am stressing the fuck out right now in general - ANYWAY 2.  I have no idea what 2 and 3 were now I forgot.  Jesus.  Um - well anyway I have a lot of options.  I can figure out what to do to take care of myself.  I can take care of myself and keep my body healthy and keep it cancer free.  God I am so tired too.  I had an audition today it was fun - went to the kids afterwards - they crack me up.  I need to eat dinner.  I have been eating so much healthier - like 150% healthier - I'm not even kidding.  AND I LOOK DIFFERENT.  I mean my eyes are a different shape.  I know that sound fucking insane but it's true.  I don't know how else to say it - maybe there's more life in them because they are actually getting nutrients?  I mean I don't look ASIAN now but they look different.  I HAVE TO GO EAT NOW BYE.

A moment.......

to reflect.  It's my anniversary - I am sober 9 years today.  9 fucking years.  It has been something I will tell you what.  I don't do it very often but sometimes I go back and read things I wrote and realize how crazy I was - how unhappy and frightened - AND - I was sober already!  It takes so long to unwind ourselves from this disease and unhealthy patterns of behavior.  Word.  So anyway I am home and I have stuff to do today - clean up my office, make my schedule for the week and do some work for my sister.  We got up and prayed & meditated together then went for a walk in the neighborhood.  I love looking at all the flowers and he loves looking at the houses.  I came home and made a smoothie from this cookbook my sister gave me called Eat Pretty - so many great, yummy and healthy recipes.  So this smoothie is called LEmon Beauty smoothie and has spinach, parsley, dandelion greens, half an avocado, one whole peeled lemon and a frozen banana.  I made it - made the guy try some and he DID NOT WANT TO and then guess what happened?  I thought it was fucking disgusting and he loved it.  I mostly thought it was gross because of the consistency which I realized was like that because once again I DIDNT READ THE WHOLE RECIPE - hahahaaa.  Oye.  So it was like a glass of liquid with chunks of emon rind and for some reason chunks of parsley.  So everything else was liquid - I drank and and chewed it and honestly it made me feel fantastic but those chunks were hard to work through.  I am so impatient with recipes!  I just look at all the ingredints and then I go for it!  Not how it works.  Ha!  That being said I made salmon cakes last night and finally realized you'r supposed to not only use a wopden spoon to stir the ingredients together (which made a huge difference) but also not use wax paper.  I thought wax paper and parchment paper were the same thing but NOPE.  So I kept making these things and having them STICK to the wax paper!  Plus we were eating wax.  Whoops.  Anyway last night I used the wooden spoon and no wax paper and omg YUM,  So fucking good!!  Now for a different message besides read all the instructions...

I went to a naturopathic oncologist on Saturday.  He ran some body scan on me and then gave me a protocol of supplements and other things to do.  He said my thyroid was low and other stuff.  He also said I didn't need to do chemo or radiation - that he could have helped me but that surgery was good.  I was like - um - well I did it sooooo - thank you??  Anyway I really liked him and I am doing the protocol already.  Well most of it - it's a ton of shit so I'm working it in slowly.  He wanted me to drink some weird shit that I was like naaaah to and he was just like "Okay."  Ha - no problem - which I liked.  I couldn't really tell what it was made out of and anyway - I'm not great with powders.  I went home and looked it up and I still couldn't tell what it was.  So.  So this is for prevention.  Cancer prevention.  I don't want to take the pills they want to give me at the hospital because I can't be so physically - off.  But it doesnt' feel right to do nothing so I am doing this.  His protocol, diet and exercise.  He said diet is 80% of healing.  He didn't say but I'm guessing he meant 80% healthy right?  Ha.  PIZZA AND DOGNUTS.  Is that how you spell doughnuts?  What are dognuts that spell check didn't pick it up.  It's almost 1 now - I need to get going on my tasks for the day.. Thank you for being here sweet blog - this has helped my healing so much - love you Bluebie bye.