Monday, March 31, 2014

What the 100% fuck is going on?

Who am I?  Who is this guy?  He calls when he says he's going to - he shows up on time - I'm so fucking confused.  He called me tonight when I was doing laundry and we had this deep conversation - UGH - if I was listening to me talk at the Laundromat I would have wanted to SHOOT me.  I hate when people have private conversations in public.  But there really wasn't anyone there and - ugh - when else am I going to talk to him?  Do you know how much I have grown?  I'm so tired and busy that I don't even have time to listen to my stupid jealousy issues - I mean I just can't!  I don't have time to follow hi around or text him all the time or BLAH BLAH - who cares?  If he's doing something else - then do it!!  What do I fucking care - if I can't trust him then I certainly can't control him.  The thing is that this is scary.  He's so sweet and nice and he lives far enough away that I still have time to take care of myself and not drive this into the ground.  The only thing I don't understand and that I never understand are my acting and comedy.  What am I doing?  Now this week I have no shows but also I just had to do 4 loads of laundry and that shit was not easy and now I'm so tired I'm in bed without my sheets because I'm too tired to make the bed and so freaked out.  I'm a little freaked out and a lot uncomfortable.  A LOT.  Quite mother fucking uncomfortable.  Resentful?  Maybe.  I have to think about that - why would I be?  Am I not taking care of myself?  I went to a meeting tonight so I am getting more on schedule again.  With meetings.  Dear Lord I'm going to bed.  Ugh I forgot to call my sponsor for the 3rd fucking day in a row.  I need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!  Whoa - back off myself hello.  Love you Bluebers.

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