Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Oh boy.

Well I'm a hot mess.  I woke up, prayed & meditated and cried while I was doing it.  I'm out of money and I feel like a loser.  I feel like everything is going to fall apart that I have worked so hard for these last 4 months.  Also - you know I didn't realize how resentful the guy was.  Is.  Im just sort of shell shocked.  I feel like I have to have a lot of faith and trust right now and I have t say - not my strong suit.  Freaking out and being miserable is my strong suit.  I did an audition yesterday - it took me 3 hours to do it - between getting ready, working on it and getting it on tape - right?  Guess what?  NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT.  Maybe that's not so crazy......but still - well if they don't watch it I can ask about it.  I just feel like maybe I should have gone to the live audition.  Well guess what?  It doesn't matter now.  I need to let go.  I am going to practice 3 things today.....letting go, being nice to myself and having faith.  It was excruciating to even write that.  EXCRUCIATING.  Jesus Christ.  I'm so in my head.  I'm just going to breathe.  All I can do is keep it in the day and do what I can do today.  I have to write something for our podcast right now.  Then I need to get ready.  Just keep doing the next right , kind thing for myself.  My stomach is bothering me like I have forgotten something.  I forgot to go back to bed.  I'm terrified.  I'm really fucking freaking out that I am going to have to go waitress again or something equally as soul sucking.  This probably isn't helpful.  I cant stand feeling this way but it will change.  It has to - things and feelings always do.  It's just a hard time.  I feel so far away from my mother.  She feels so far away.  Oh man I am a hot mess.  I am glad I am going into the city today - I do NOT need to sit here and think about myself anymore - good fucking LORD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, December 2, 2016

PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage

OH MAN.  I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT.  I am having a blast!  Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight.  Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in.  That being said I love it here.  I love him.  I'm in deep!  But holy shit - that was awful last night.  I had an emotional hang over today.  I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well.  I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well.  He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan.  It's all so complicated.  I don't know.  He was hurt and my feelings were hurt.  I didn't realize he was feeling that way.  I think he felt left out too - that always stinks.  It's the worst to feel left out.  Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships.  The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other.  It's so intense!  Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive.  I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years.  That shit is helping me beyond.  Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right?  When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class.  Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner.  I loved that class!  I loved the town mostly though.  It is the cutest little town.  I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle.  It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place.  No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area?  I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions.  I do love coming home to here though - so much.  I love my guy.  Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

So busy.

We went home last week for Thanksgiving and then I spent 3 days selling trees. It was so sad without my father - so confusing and a little stressful figuring it all out. But we did it and we did s good job. I think. Just now we did our podcast and I had class before that. I knocked it out of the park in class - it was awesome.  The podcast was great too. I have 2 shows tomorrow night and I'm going to drive so hopefully that will make going home late at night a little more mellow. I'm starving. So anyway- it was a great day and I'm trying to enjoy myself while I get to do all of this. No wait - let me rephrase that - I AM enjoying myself and loving being able to do all of this without being completely exhausted.  My work is so much better. Infinitely better. I'm not going to be in class for December - I can't afford it. Im going to have to see about January. I'm so busy! I have so much to do. I'm as grateful as ever to be sober. Oh I need a meeting to
Orrow. Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Late Night

It's 1:02 am and I'm sitting on the train waiting for it to take me home.  I had a spot at 11:50. I had to wait 2 hours to go up and it was totally worth it. So much fun!  The crowd was great and I have a new joke. I mean I thought of a new joke up there. Holy fuck someone sat behind me just now and started to eat what smelled like mashed potatoes and meatloaf.  I had to move!! The smell of it was making me starving but the sound of him mushing food in his mouth right behind my head was so fucking disgusting I literally got up and moved 5 seats away. As I moved I saw he was eating a fucking everything bagel with cream cheese. He's hot tooo. But not to me and never again. If I dated him I would only hear and smell that fucking bagel for the rest of my life.  I think the part that shows growth is that I got up and moved. Yay!! I didn't just give him dirty looks and shame his bagel chewing!! Yayyyy!! I moved! I didn't even give him a dirty look them! If I had 5 dollars I would have stopped for a falafel! But I only had 4 dollars so I had cheetos. This is riveting. Well so I just wanted to write and say hi. Hi. I had so much fun tonight.  I'm so grateful. The whole day was creative. Class, out our podcast and a show. Great stuff.  Holy shit now I'm tired. Oh I'm getting sad about Thanksgiving and not seeing my dad. So barf. Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Okay It's Winter.

2 days ago it was 60 degrees and sunny - now it's overcast and 35 degrees and I want to go to bed for 5 months.  I can't focus.  Okay but OKAY.  Here's what I am doing though.  I am being NICE to myself.  I can only do a little bit at a time.  I can only do what I can do.  I wake up and I take care of myself.  I am present in my life and being creative.  There we go.  Alright.  I started to write a bunch of shit that wasn't nice about myself and then I DELETED IT.  What's the fucking point?  I've had a lifetime of beating myself up - I'm over it.  OKAY.  So here's what I learned in the land of recovery this week.  That it's no one's fault.  Ugh I don't even feel like getting into what I even mean.  Holy shit I'm tired.  This is what I mean.  I have these wounds right - let's say from childhood or wherever right?  Well - it doesn't matter who caused them or why because now I am left with them.  SO HOW AM I GOING TO HEAL?  Why am I yelling?  Ugh - this is what I am trying to say...Okay maybe it does matter who and why and all that but ultimately - I'm the one left with the healing and I need to heal.  You know what I just realized?  I might be getting this all wrong.  No - no I don't think so.  Recovery comes from responsibility right?  So I am responsible for my stuff and my feelings and my wounds.  Good Lord.  So.  SO THAT SUCKS HUH!?  Haha - I'm just kidding I think.  Anyway - that kind of blew my mind this week.  I mean I knew already that it's ridiculous to be an asshole to someone on the subway and blame it on my first grade teacher.  But still - to fully take responsibility for my feelings, to no longer be a victim because I am the one responsible for this stuff now.  Wow - mind blowing.  I have no idea why I am writing this.  Do I say that ALL THE TIME?  I need to take a hot shower and by some cake pans.  Loooove you Bleubie byeee!

Tuesday, November 15, 2016

A Moment To Reflect Positively.

I'm not sure but I don't think I often do this.  Take a moment to recognize how much things have changed in a positive way.  As I type this I am thinking NOOOOOOOO - but - it's true.  Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary.  but it's not because I was lucky enough to have that marriage not work out.  Now I am in love with a beautiful, kind man who loves the person I really am.  How lucky am I?  I was in such a crazy place 11 years ago.  It could have worked!  It could have been wonderful but it wasn't meant to be.  It was a rebound.  It was an impulse and a thought and it wasn't truly from my heart.  I feel like that's the difference for everything.  Is it from my heart?  Yes?  Okay go for it.  Otherwise - maybe stop and reaaaally think about it - hard.  Now I live with the this guy and I'm SOBER.  I'm not destroying myself on a daily basis with drugs and alcohol.  How amazing is that?  I don't know.  I don't want to write to much about how much things have changed but they have and I'm so grateful.  Lately I have been trying to tell myself when I regret the past and get in my head about how "That never would have happened if that hadn't happened and then that wouldn't had happened and if I only could have...."  I tell myself that everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.  That everything was EXACTY the way is was meant to be.  You know I never think this but I hope that he's okay my ex-husband.  I mean he wasn't really a husband - we didn't even fucking know each other.  We were both in pain and trying to fling ourselves into another reality of life.  Ugh.  It's so crazy.  Well.  So.  It's raining right now.  A lot.  It's still early - 10:18 in the morning.  I slept okay last night.  I had crazy dreams about animals and this one adorable kitten.  I think I am just writing on here still because I don't want to do my yoga, get ready and figure out how to navigate this weather.  OKAY.  I CAN DO THIS!!  Right?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, November 13, 2016

Self-Destruction.

I am sliding away.  I am so self-destructive right now.  My thoughts are so negative and I am not being nice to the guy.  He starts eating nuts and I want to stab myself and move to Africa.  I have such a short fuse - it's horrifying.  This whole thing with my sponsee - she isn't even really - is killing me.  My sponsor said this relationship is supposed to help me too and it isn't.  It hasn't for a long time.  So now I need to do something for myself and I just can't wrap my brain around that.  I feel like I am letting her down although honestly and truly I don't feel like I am helping her - not with sobriety.  It's horrible.  I am up against myself and I don't think I like myself very much right now.  You know - I don't even think she is thinking about this - at all.  I am tortured and she's just ignoring my phone call and living her life.  It's a beautiful day.  We just went jogging.  I don't feel as sick to my stomach - I think my hormones might be regulating a little bit.  We are going to my Mom's today and I'm so sad my father wont be there.  Oh God - I'm just so fucking heart-broken right now about him.  I don't know - I feel so sad I didn't spend more time there over the Summer.  Whatever - I'm grieving and its so fucking painful.  The farm.  Last year we didn't get a tree from there.  Ugh I feel like throwing up.  Of course its sad.  All the big holidays are coming up.  My crazy sister is there right now with my mother pretending like she loves her like crazy all of a sudden.  I don't know - maybe she does.  Maybe she thinks she does.  I guess its never too late in life but it just feels disingenuous and exhausting.  Please God and Blog - help me to be kind today and loving.  For myself and my mother.  Love you Bluebie bye.