Monday, September 1, 2014
Yeesh. Well it's finally September and hopefully once my anniversary happens I will feel a little bit more even. Balanced? I don't know. I just went for a jog/walk in the park and as I entered the park a lady working told me to be careful because a woman got murdered a couple of weeks ago. Of course I was so upset and then decided I should never exercise again. Isn't that so awful? I don't know - I should check to see if that really happened because she was also talking to the squirrels. Well I still went through the park - it's a holiday - tons of people and I've also been in the park early in the morning and there were tons of people - I mean TONS - so I don't know - but again of course it was upsetting. I had such a nice weekend with the guy - we went to see my parents, went to my brother's birthday party - went to a picnic yesterday. Then we got in an argument in the car - ugh - I just really can't fucking stand that he is married sometimes and it gets to me - that's it. That's actually not just it - I have jealousy problems and insecurities and UGH - I don't know - I asked a question - he answered - I got upset. He did answer in a douche way though - he really did. OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING?? He is such a great guy. Okay - whatever. Went to a meeting last night - hosted a show, came home and got a decent night's sleep - he slept over and I woke up and prayed and meditated and got myself jogging in the park. It is completely nerve wracking to have all this time off but then again - I was so exhausted. Okay - it's going to be okay. I FEEL WEIRD NOT WORKING ON LABOR DAY. I'm going to a meeting later and I'm going to go get some groceries and get myself together here in my apartment - do some cleaning and make some phone calls. Oh sigh - I just feel crazy that's all. Well at least now I know what to do I guess. It makes me sad but I suppose I would feel worse if I didn't know what to do. Love you Bluebie bye.
Friday, August 29, 2014
I am so tired lately but - well - I think I'm healing or something. Anyway I have noticed how much my mind turns to being a victim - I know I've written about this before - but I really recognize it lately. I see my mind doing it on the subway (I'm a victim of someone chewing - which is annoying but okay I'm no their victim), at the store (someone asks me for a lot of things and leaves the store a mess - again annoying but that's my JOB), ohhhhh and someone not holding the door for me someplace (WHAT is THAT - am I the princess of the fucking world or something???). So anyway - holy shit I just prayed and meditated and I cried the whole time. I feel so - like I'm breaking open and healing at the same time - it is so fucking bizarre. Anyway I have to go to my meeting so I can continue to do my 5 things for this day. Love you Bluebie bye.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
or perhaps not so boring. Maybe just right now it's boring. Maybe right now it is BRILLIANTLY BORING and that is just fine. I was so depressed the last couple of days it was unreal. It occurred to me that I really am an alcoholic and suddenly that seems so overwhelming - or not - I don't know. I guess I'm just shocked. The good part is that if I ever decide to wonder if I'm not one I can just go back and read some of this blog from less then a year into my sobriety and see how truly batshit crazy I was - for proof. I think I feel like I might be coming out of it a little bit now. I don't have enough work or money but oh well. I am not waitressing and I guess as slowly as my sobriety from drugs and alcohol came to me - that's how slowly my sobriety from waitressing will be. I had no idea it would be so hard! What am I even talking about? I need more money and I have no idea what I'm doing. I got wicked blisters on my feet which of one is now infected (in the most interesting and revolting way) from the shoes I wore to that interview on Monday and I can't seem to take care of myself anymore. I didn't take a shower today and that's the second time this week I have done that (ha). I can't seem to get out of bed. My sheets turn into the most comfortable, soft, luxurious pieces of fabric - as soon as my alarm goes off. It's like a magic switch. Well anyway. I don't know. I keep going to meetings, calling people, taking phone calls - reaching out and calling my sponsor. So. Oh and the 5 things in general. OKAY GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING - love you Bluebie bye.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Like a boat. I look like a bloated boat. Or like a woman who is 4-6 months pregnant. I feel so gross. I got my period yesterday and I could barely move. I went on the interview today and it was okay but he told me to come back and explore the store and really see if I want to work there. Then I went to work and it was SO SLOW and boring I almost lost my mind. I mean I really felt fucking INSANE by the time I left. I feel so fearful. I need another job and for the life of me - how can I be so bored and when I think of waitressing I can't even move? I feel so - STUCK. NO - slow. I just feel slow. Oh WOW - the money was so confusing for the job. Okay - look - my anniversary is next week and then hopefully I will feel better. It's so crazy - I love him so much - I'm so in love with him and now I hate him because he took me on vacation and I have no money. WHAT? He paid for SO MUCH of it and would have paid for everything if I let him. Okay - I feel like a spoiled brat. I'm so lucky that I have sobriety. I'm so lucky that I have a job where I get to be bored. I'm so lucky to be FAT. What? Well I am. Love you Bluebie bye. ps I feel fucking CRAZY.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Okay I have a job interview Monday morning and I am FLIPPING out about it. My friend told me I need to look AMAZING and - what the fuck is THAT?? Amazing? I can look CREATIVE!? How about that? Jesus - okay - well anyway - I went to a meeting this morning and went shopping - which I can not afford to do but I needed to get something if I was going to look amazing. I bought a cute dress, a purse and some sensible (barf) heels. I'm really not sure about the shoes or even who I am. What the fuck am I doing? I just want a job and I want health insurance and I want to take care of myself. Am I aiming too high? Am I aiming in the right direction even? I have no idea - I really don't. Well anyway - I'm going to keep trying to get a real job and that's that. I love you and I'm going to speak at a meeting now I'm no just a completely vacuous shopper. WOW - I need to get my period I am out of my MIND. Bye.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL. We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time. I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food. Sounds great right? We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???). We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird). Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better. Today I feel better again. Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in. Actually I can look for another job. I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening. I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know. Everything happens for a reason right? Barf. Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!! Bye.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday. I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it. So - here they are. 1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you. Pretty simple right? How could I have never heard that? Did I already write abou this? Is anyone listening? I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it. BARF. My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss. I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha. Bye.