Thursday, September 18, 2014

Switch.

Well after another horrible day yesterday and feeling really scared about how not well I was - I had a totally cathartic experience at a Natalie Merchant concert last night.  I'm not really even a fan or I wasn't anyway but there was some kind of tectonic shift that happened and I feel SO much better.  First of all as soon as we got there my guy went to the bathroom and while he was in there some man collapsed in front of me.  It was crazy - he was in his 60s and my instinct said it wasn't good so I offered to call 911 which they said not to - there was a nurse in the house.  Okaaay so I waited until it was clear that he was really not fucking okay and then I called - which I will never wait again - but well - finally the medics came and he - well I don't know - it made my thoughts about myself dissipate.  Plus at this point his wife was kind of hysterical - of course and I just was shook up.  So we go to the concert and it was AMAZING.  This gospel singer Corliss Stafford broke my heart wide open and there was this super hot chick drummer.  I don't know - I just sat there crying and listening (and trying not to kill the fucking bizarre woman who was eating popcorn throughout the WHOLE concert like a fucking psycho) and I found myself thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT?  WHO FUCKING CARES I'M DONE."  But in a really great way.  I can't really explain it - I was just like fuck it - I'm doing everything in a completely different way now - that's it - none of this has worked (I'm not talking about sobriety or the guy) and that's it - I just want to be sober - get my alanon shit together and just do things completely in a different direction - that's it - turn it around and fuck it.  So there you go - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Responsible Feelings.

Well - so I went to alanon last night and I felt a million times better and re-remembered for the umteenth time how codependent and responsible I feel for other peoples feelings and how angry it makes me.  So okay - good.  This morning I was sitting next to this woman on the subway - well actually she was sort of sitting ON me rather - she got on after me and did that weird sat right next to me even though there are seats all over the place thing and she had this giant bag that was resting on me.  She seemed sad and upset and I really was annoyed.  But I was also worried about her feelings.  I mean she was upset - I hated feeling that and I was also annoyed that her purse was laying all over me.  So when I finally got off the express train to the local I felt so relived to be away from her energy and I just realized how not responsible I am for my own feelings.  I didn't liek the way she felt and I could have gotten up and moved - that simple.  And I'm not repsonsible for that woman's feelings or anyone else's - I'm responsible for my own.  Only I'm not all the time - I'm too worried about other people and what is happening with them and how to navigate aroudn their feelings.  HOLY SHIT THAT SUCKS.  I have pms.  Thank you.  I just realized I need to be responsible for my own feelings - that's it.  Which is terrifying because on some level I feel like I don't matter enough.  Everyone else does.  Gross. Bye.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pile of Shit.

I feel like a pile of shit.  I just don't feel well.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  I think it's because I need alanon and what I don't understand or at least up until about an hour ago - I didn't understand WHY suddenly I'm so alanonic and fucked up.  I mean I just feel BAD and tired and I can't get anything done.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:50.  I have no idea why this is writing in italics right now what the fuck.  I really don't.  Um okay well whatever I'm just going to keep writing.  Oh I guess I somehow hit the Italics button????  Okay now I'm flustered.  Anyway so I'm tired and I'm not getting any relief from AA meetings so tonight I am going to an alanon meeting because the other girl who works here asked me to switch my schedule for her - because of her baby blah, blah - husband - blah, blah - etc and I ALMOST HAVE LOST MY MIND OVER IT.  I'm offended she asked and I couldn't for the life of me say no even though my reason for saying no was because I just don't want to - it just feels wrong.  Not for certain days but for the day she asked.  I just reread the email and it is SO manipulative - which I get and I have been.  I don't know - I just feel crazy and out of control with money and I need another job - not to switch this job around more - you know??  I have been upset ALL DAY.  I had one thing I really needed to do here today and it took me all day to do it.  I'm sad I'm such a mess and when the holy mother fuck am I going to get my power back?  I just can't seem to get it.  That being said on Saturday I had the nicest day with the guy.  We went to the movies and made dinner - it was so great - he's so great - so kind and sweet to me.  Patient.  I'm going to call a sponsee.  I don't want to but I'm going to.  Not only am I alanonic I'm so self-centered right now it's unreal.  Or very, very real.  I wanted that to be funny but it's just pathetic.  Love you Bluebie - let's keep moving forward.  What?

Friday, September 12, 2014

Down day.

Why does this keep happening?  I don't feel great today although I was able to wake up, get myself to the doctor, buy my cousin's babies presents and get to a meeting.  Also I ate an egg and cheese from an Upper West Side Jewish deli that was the most delicious and bizarre thing I have ever had.  It was on this giant what I guess was potato roll (it was yellow) with sesame seeds and it and I don't know - it was just delicious.  And expensive - holy fuck.  Anyway - well I'm here in my apartment and I did the dishes and what else?  I was supposed to do a show tonight but I can't get there in time after THERAPY (what omg) and so I had to cancel.  What am I doing?  I was on such an upswing for 2 days.  I had an audition - my hair looked good - ugh.  Now I feel hairy & fat and my hair is a mess.  Also I let them give me a couple of vaccines at the doctor's and it scared the shit out of me.  Here is where I think Alanon stuff kicks in for me.  It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself - it really is and then I'm so fucking hard on myself.  Also I'm scared about money and I did go buy a play to work on for class on Tuesday.  That didn't make any sense and one thing has nothing to do with the other I am just trying to say that I DID SOMETHING TODAY aaand I am scared about money.  Lord have ever loving mercy I am a mess.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Poem.

It's 3:11
It's 9/11
I hate 9/11.
It makes me so sad.
Everyone forgot about it this year.
I didn't .

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

I'm up, I'm down, I'm up - I'm down but right now I'm up.

So that's good I guess.  I've just been having a hard time figuring out where to go and money is so totally super tight.  So it's the weirdest thing that I have having SUCH a hard time replacing waitressing.  I mean what did I think - I was going to do it forever?  Maybe - somewhere deep inside me maybe I really thought that.  Well I can't.  I even tried to get a couple of jobs and it hasn't worked out - waitressing that is.  It's just over and it feels like (I'm embarrassed to say) like what happened at the end of my drinking - I couldn't drink anymore and I had no idea what to do so I just had to be really uncomfortable and go into the program.  So now I'm just really uncomfortable and trying new things.  I am applying to jobs and I am reaching out.  Holy shit my neck is so fucking tense right now.  I also just told myself to keep searching and just figure it out.  That's all.  And take showers.  I didn't take a shower yesterday and it was a gloomy day and honestly I got a little suicidal.  I mean not totally just a tinge of why do I exist.  Anyway I spoke at a meeting on Monday night and turned bright red and cried - sexy right?  I also broke out in a rash on my face.  SO - that was good.  Well and it was good - I was of service - whatever that means.  I men it means what it means - I'm just trying not to say it from an ego place. OMG.  Bye.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

on my phone

Omg its like i live in the future posting from my phone. Oh this is weird. Going back to the city came to see the guy last night after
work. Went to dinner and woke up and went jogging. Now that im not waitressing i can get in shape for real again. I didnt last very long but it was great. Its a beautiful day. Oh everything just got big for some reason. Well yeah so in love with this guy and going back to the city to be my own person plus i told someone i woukd meet them at a meeting. Omg im sooo hungrh bye. Love you Blubers!!