Friday, November 8, 2019

Quarter Pounder With Cheese

I ate one last night.  I was so fucking mad & upset that I ate a fucking quarter pounder with cheese and it was HOT and fucking JUICY and it dripped all over my fingers and it made me feel better.  I honestly & truly thought to myself "Why is this so bad?  IT'S FUCKING GOOD & I feel better!"  It's better than drinking and who cares??  There's fucking raccoon that's always eating at that McDonald's and he's FINE.  He eats and then waddles back into the woods.  FINE.  Then 2 hours later I took the napkin out of my care - wait - it was like 20 minutes later,,,and then napkin with grease all over it was hard as a rock.  Fucking gross.  Anyway it's been the worst fucking week.  We worked SO HARD at this dumb show and hardly anyone came and my partner just lost her shit and it was really, really awful.  The show itself was great.  But it was awful and I am hurt because she was mean to me.  Dismissive and also outright spoke to me like I am a fucking idiot.  Then tonight I had 2 shows...I wasn't expecting much but I thought I was getting paid a certain amount and then he pays me TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.  Which OKAY I WILL TAKE IT.  But this si what is happening...that everyone else got paid and I am just what - so nice that I can be the one to not get paid?  And the show was a fucking SHIT SHOW.  Seriously.  Okay - it's okay.  It's not okay because I am worth something but it is okay because I have fucking had it.  I have had it.  I'm tired of giving it away for free AND I was one of the best parts of those shows.  Fuck the other comics were so angry and it really rubbed off on me.  So it didn't help trying to not talk shit about this guy all night and then he pays me $10.00?  HA.  Wow.  Okay well yeah - had it.  I did stick up for myself and ask how I was getting paid (which is when he venmoed me $10.00).  Then I said I thought I was getting paid more which he ignored.  Also why wasn't he there?  I DONT KNOW.  Fucking comedy is so shady.  People are so shady.  He has taken care of me almost all other times.  We also never got paid from this show we did last night either.  Which doesn't feel like is going to work out in my favor but it's okay.  It's okay - my time is coming and it's going to be grand.  Tomorrow I have the day off and I can get myself together.  Thank God I have other work that I do and that I am on a budget now.  What is going on with this guy that he would do something like that?  You know he was vague and used language that was - well vague.  So I suppose I misunderstood.  I didn't clarify.  So.  So okay.  It's not what I am supposed to be doing that's all.  Sure I can still work with him if I am going to get paid and I will ask and clarify.  He isn't making good choices.  So it isn't something I really want to invest a bunch of time in.  Jesus I am so trying to talk myself out of being so angry.  It's so unhealthy.  I'm sad.  I'm sad that people take advantage of other people.  I think what is really upsetting me is that he told me not produce a show someplace else - he strong armed me.  He said he couldn't book me anymore if that was what I was going to do.  I mean I couldn't care less - I didn't even know the other guy that asked me to do the show.  I just feel fucked with as far as money goes.  God I am so tired now.  I just want to feel my feelings and fucking heal from this week.  Exercise and see my family.  I am taken care of.  I am fine.  I mean I really am.  I need to let go.  Get some rest.  Let it go.  It was a shitty week - oh well.  It happens.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm sober and I have tools and help.  I love and I am loved.  And I am realizing I have something that no one can take away from me.  So that makes me very fucking lucky.  So tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Going Against My Instincts

Right now my instincts are saying to push, even though I do not feel well.  I couldn't sleep last night and the menopausal symptoms are in full force today.  I am having so much trouble being grateful and staying in the day.  Oooo!  My alcoholism is alive & well right now.  I did a lot of things to take care of myself - I prayed & meditated...made myself a delicious healthy meal...I called my sponsor...cancelled something that I was too tired to do....did the celery juice...did all the dishes...meditated AGAIN because my sponsor suggested it.  I put hair color in my hair and I will be able to shower before work.  I also exercised.  Did all my holistic things for my cancer.  It will shift - I know it will.  I will feel better.  It's so hard to have so suddenly gone into menopause & the painful sex part of it - whether or not it's from the chemo, the menopause or both - it sucks.  Meanwhile I'm such a wohre that it hasn't stopped me from having sex and I am hoping that the physical therapy I am doing will help it to change.  But WOW - does it suck.  For some reason I am thinking of people from my past who I might have told all these things to....have awful I feel physically and how the hormonal imbalance puts me in such a negative frame of mind.  How sad & hard it has been to go so suddenly into old age or this phase which feels old......then I am thinking how these people would not give me what I am looking for which is comfort and understanding.  Saying "Yes that does suck.  I am sorry you are going through that but I am sure it will shift!  You will feel better!"  So anyway I am telling myself those things.  I will feel better.  I will feel healthy and vibrant again although it will be different.  I have so many tools now and so many people to turn to for help. We can't give what we don't have to give also & for some reason I have turned to some very cold people for help.  Or seemingly cold.  Just empty cups.  Or again - seemingly empty cups.  We all need to take care of ourselves also and let's face it - dealing with emotions is TrIcKY.  Tricky.  Yikes!  Okay time to go get ready for work.  I can't wait to go to a meeting!  God!  Also I can't wait to walk the dog - he makes me so happy.  So lucky I get to do that again.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Microwave Baked Potato

Years ago and I mean like 15 years ago my friend wrote a blog post about how she doesn't know how to do a lot of things but she knows how to sooth herself...make a baked potato in the microwave and I'm not sure what else but my mind was BLOWN by that concept.  Nobody taught me to self-soothe.  I think I was taught to beat myself up emotionally and stuff my feelings in whatever way possible.  Or maybe they just ignored me.  Or maybe they tried to talk to me and I was CRYING with everything in me because I was a little artist with a bagillion feelings and creative urges and no place to put them.  Or who knows.  Either way tonight I came home and I baked myself a potato, put ghee, pink Himalayan sea salt on it and fresh pepper and it was fucking delicious and SO SOOTHING. I was shocked by her blog post also because I was under the impression that POTATOES ARE BAD.  I have recently learned and I probably already wrote about this but I am going to say it again that potatoes are not bad - frying them and putting cheese all over them is bad for you.  TALK ABOUT SOOTHING THOUGH AM I RIGHT??  Ha.  FUCK.  Anyway ghee is just as fucking soothing.  Yikes.  I also made a little soup with arugula, garlic and micro broccoli greens & rice noodles.  YUM.  Anyway I am trying to soothe myself and recover from that crazy ass trip I went on.  I am struggling with feeling like I - you know I am not even going to give it any power.  I am struggling with soothing myself and letting myself heal.  But I got this.  I am reading a great book!  It's called "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business."  It's empowering and I love it.  I read a book while I was on my crazy trip called "Take Good Care of The Garden & The Dogs."  It was very sentimental and hard to read because EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER was about someone DYING and I honestly was like "IS THIS WOMAN OKAY!???"  But what was wonderful was she wrote about a man who stopped doing cancer treatment because he didn't see how it could cure him and instead he moved to Alaska to heal FROM THE LAND.  DID I WRITE ABOUT THIS ALREADY??  Fuck my chemo brain is in full action.  Anyway he is alive and well.  So I felt it was a sign to not take that fucking pill they want me to take.  I have to go to the doctor next week and I know they are going to try to convince me to do it but well - I do not want to still.  My daily walks and fresh foods plus meditation and healing are helping me.  What isn't helping is when I don't go to alanon and then I think I am the most wrong person that ever existed.  But guess what?  I went and I feel better and now I am SELF-SOOTHING.  I am fucking full from that soup.  Who says that?  Is it even a thing?  To be full from soup and a potato??  I GUESS SO.  Love you Bluebie bye!!

Thursday, October 24, 2019


Went by myself yesterday to get my MRI that I had scheduled but them also needed because my mammogram showed something.  This week and the last 2 weeks have been CRAZY.  I got stuck in an airport on the way back from this job and it was nuts.  There was a state of emergency and they closed the airport.  No flights in or out and no one working in the airport.  It was fucking nuts.  We all had to stay together and you know what I am not even going to get into it.  I slept on a hard bench and I was SO PROUD of myself!  I was a fucking trooper.  Anyway I just got an email from the Dr. well I don't know - I got the report.  I don't think I was supposed to but I did and unless I am reading it incorrectly I am okay.  FUCK.  FUCKING FUUUUUUCK.  I just cried for 5 minutes.  My holistic doctor says I will have certainty....that I will be able to be certain I am okay and although I have done so much to be okay I still wasn't sure.  Plus they scared me at the mammogram.  Anyway thank God.  I am crying again.  I don't want to cut my boobs off and I don't want to take a pill that is going to make me sick.  I just don't okay?  I don't want to and it's okay that I don't want to.  Fuck I am really crying. God this has all been so intense.  Anyway I also thought I was going to get fired from my job because I went to this other country and then got trapped in an airport that was closed for a state of emergency and that was SO CRAZY.  Anyway they didn't fire me although I was late today and I felt like they were going to although the other night the mom said she wasn't going to she promised.  COULD I BE MORE STRESSED OUT!?  I guess so if I had my own kids.  I don't think I am making a lot of sense and now I have to wake up at 4:30 to bring my guy to get his own test done.  I am exhausted.  Who knew I could do any of this?  I did not know.  God please help me to continue to be strong, be grateful and grow.  Get out of my own way and trust.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Just melted my curling iron.

Yeah I didn't know that could happen either.  I guess where I am the electrical current is stronger?  Or the conversion thing makes it hotter?  I have no fucking clue but my hair looks fantastic.  So there's that!  But the tip melted off my curling iron and now my room smells like burnt glue.  Again my hair is so cute.  Agh!  It's a convertor not a conversion - well wait it's a conversion thing actually.  ANYWAY.  I jogged by the ocean today in the pouring rain.  Rain dripping out of my eyes!  I was so proud of myself!  I really have no fucking idea who I am.  We weren't working today so I had plenty of downtime and I took care of myself.  Now I am bored out of my fucking mind and I just remembered other stuff I could be working on but I had forgotten until just now.  I did write a short script so that was good.  Hmmmmm - I haven't had dinner but I have been snacking in my room for hours and now I'm not hungry.  I think they are going to need us super early so I am just waiting to hear about that because you know it takes me for fucking EVER to get ready so I have to plan.  I'm working with these kids and at breakfast this morning the girl said I seem a little crazy.  UM - that's so mean!  Haha and I was literally acting AS NORMAL as I possibly could.  I really am wondering what she even based that on since she has not stopped talking about herself since I met her. HA.  No seriously.  I mean I never even talk very much when I first meet people.  I wait to display my crazy thank you very much and I will have you know that I am THE MOST NORMAL CRAZY PERSON you will ever meet.  Ugh!  I can't give my power away!  I just can't!  I need to breathe and take care of myself and stay in myself.  She was probably just trying to be funny but it didn't sound like a funny tone of voice.  She didn't laugh either.  She also had that judgy look in her eye.  Okay whatever.  I wrote it down, I complained about it - I got it off my chest and now we can move on.  She's not going to be my best friend and she just showed her cards.  Great.  I can like her anyway and just be cautious.  Yeah - all good.  She doesn't know me.  I am a little crazy but not for why she thinks.  Who knows what she thinks!  I'm doing great with all my alanon stuff right?  HEALTHY STUFF OVER HERE.  I can't find any meetings here - well I found a guy but I didn't get his email back in time to find out the meeting is over already tonight.  Good Lord I am getting tired.  Okay well LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!  I am so happy I have you to talk to while I am here.  xoxoxo

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Well so here I am...

doing what I love again.  I am working on another acting job and I am pinching myself because it's in such a cool place!  So that's what I was so worried about - I booked it and then had no idea what was happening.  I went to 3 auditions for it!  So fucking exciting and surreal.  So surreal!  Anyway I am trying to stay babysitting job didn't like it so that was fucking with my head....then a sponsee got upset with me and that fucked with my head.  However what I learned with her is that I can't help anyone.  I can't!  I have been hearing people say it for years.  YEARS.  That all we do in the program is share our experience and then people will do with it what they will.  So with this sponsee I just have helped SO MUCH & told her the answers over & over again and now I am angry but what is really good is that I don't want to do this to myself.  I don't!  How wonderful is that?  She will be okay but I won't be if I continue with this behavior.  I mean maybe she won't be but she wouldn't be even if I hurt myself trying to help her.  Either way it's not up to me.  God what a fucking relief to finally realize this.  So the challenge now is to somehow be kind when I say this isn't working for me.  Which I think I can do because I love her and I don't want the friendship to be ruined.  My guy said to me that it's the alanon defect - that we help so much until we are angry about it.  Ew.  Years ago - God I can't believe I'm going to say this but this woman was basically trying to make me feel better about something - I was so upset.....crying - a real mess.  Feeling super sorry for myself and she talke dot me a little bit, made a suggestion and then she said "Woooo - dealing with feelings!  Ugh!"  Then she shook herself off and said she had to go because she wanted to enjoy her day.  She went out into the sunshine in her cute outfit and I thought she was jus the biggest cunt on the face of the planet.  Now I get it.  I mean I needed HELP.  I was a drunk, high mess and that woman was not going to be able to help me.  I mean she was being cunty for sure but she was taking care of herself.  So my challenge is to be kind & loving while I take care of myself and not make this person feel like I am dismissing.  I mean she is so difficult so it's enraging.  But that doesn't matter - she isn't well and I am sorry for that but it's not because of me and there isn't one thing I can do about it.  My experience is that I do and have done the work.  For a long time.  I hope one day at a time I continue to do the work.  So that's it!  That's my experience.  What is also my experience is every single time I try to hard with a sponsee it doesn't work out anyway because I get angry.  The I am the cunty one!  Isn't it crazy that the kindest thing I can do is say "Okay well that's all I have to give.  That's how I did it - that's all.  I love you!  You can do it if you want to."  Now I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

My energy...

is coming back.  This time last year I was till so tired and now I feel so much better.  I just am starting to feel like I felt 20 years ago.  Did I say this already?  I just can't fucking believe it.  I mean I used to just drag myself around and I was always exhausted.  I am amazed at what I got done even though I was SO so tired.  Ugh!  I feel so bad for that tired person!  How fucking long did I have cancer for?  Plus I had 2 kinds!  It's just surreal and insane and I am so fucking grateful that I feel better.  I am sure a huge reason I feel better is because I eat completely different and I am able to exercise and I don't eat dairy anymore.  I think it's fine for some people but it is horrible for me.  But GOD I fucking loved it!!  Who doesn't??  Good news there's nut cheeses now and they are super tasty!  Greaaaaaat.  Anyway I am still sitting here waiting to hear about this thing and holy fuck have I been learning patience.  It's uncomfortable to go slow.  It really is.  Side note I had 3 cups of coffee today which has probably helped my energy level tremendously.  I mean but it's different you know?  It really is.  It was such a pretty day today - gorgeous sunny fall day.  It's amazing ot be alive and in the sunshine during the day.....I used to miss entire was so sad.  I just love being awake during the day!  I mean I am a night person also but I just really get off on being alive when the world is alive - it's awesome!  I had a  really great show last night although it was a challenge.  Big open bar with giant TV's and a DJ?  Ha - fucking comedy - so ridiculous.  They turned down the TVs for the show and the DJ stopped also - it was fun.  IT was great to get my mind off this waiting.  Did I tell you about that guy who I saw interview another guy in the hotel room?  Not in a creepy way but about cancer?  And how they were saying the opportunity that cancer gives you is to change everything....and do you know that I have eaten more vegetables in the last 10 months than in the last 10 years??  I mean maybe not but maaaaaaybe!  I started to change all my food right before I found out I had cancer but now it's like a 180...I also never - okay almost never eat French fries anymore - delicious, crispy French fries.  It's okay - I make yummy healthy potato things at home.   I love being at home.  I'm at home right now!  Just sitting here with the dryer going waiting for my guy to come home.  Nice & boring.  I don't think I am going to get any answers about what I am waiting to hear about right now so I just have to plan my day for tomorrow.  LOVE YOU byeeeeeee.