Wednesday, September 14, 2016

Stress Sandwich.

I did 2 shows last night and I bombed at BOTH.  Fun.  I'm so stressed out and spent way too much time yesterday trying to off-set one of my crazy sister's craziness.  It flips me out.  She is making a difficult time more difficult and I'm helping her by getting very upset.  It's amazing.  She is making it all about her.  It's so not helpful and its so not kind.  It fills me with rage.  Oh man.  I'm overstimulated and I feel a little hung-over emotionally and sick.  Is it hot?  Maybe I'm hot.  She just flips me out.  I work so hard on myself and try to be responsible for who I am and how I affect people and she just does whatever the fuck she wants.  Which the only thing I can think is that I need to do more work on myself if it's bothering me so much.  Let go and Let God.  I have no control over her and I was a DISASTER.  I used to cause such havoc.  Although I was never rude to my parents or sent my siblings text messages to go fuck themselves when I was drunk.  It's her being disingenuous.  I cant fucking stand it.  Just be a bitch and be up front about it.  I hate wading through the bullshit - it fucking drives me crazy.  OMG - I am a mess.  I think I should lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  I already prayed and meditated and then got ALL crazy again.  Let's try this one more time.  Love you BLuebie bye.

Monday, September 12, 2016

MONDAY!

It's Monday and I was so exhausted after last week that I couldn't do anything yesterday.  I did some mild things - went for a jog, ran some errands - watched Friends!  It made me feel so much better - just to get out of my head.  I went to a small women's meeting and got to share twice.  Then we went and got ice cream which was fun.  Now I'm up today and taking care of myself.  I went for a walk, prayed & meditated, talked to my alanon sponsor and I did the dishes.  Now what?  I have so much to do.  I still can't believe how busy I have been.  It's great!  I have the time now to be busy doing my craft AND take care of myself - which is glorious.  Okay - SO - what else?  I have realized that - oh man - I don't even want to write it about it really because I feel like it's focusing on it.  BUT - I have realized that I spend a lot and I mean A LOT of time looking at other people and not in a nice way.  I look at other people and their success and I wonder how they did it and then I try and figure out how they suck though - also.  Does that make sense?  And all it does is keep me from focusing on myself and I can't take it anymore.  It's boring and it feels bad.  Also - also it keeps me from being present.  I'm just not present and I'm not in and of myself and it's so not kind (to me) and it's impossible (I think) to grow from that place.  It's also SO TIME CONSUMING.  Ew and it's boring.  I'm over it.  But now - now I feel sad.  I mean I feel sadness anyway - I'm still grieving my father but it's even deeper than that.  It's the sadness of being present and in myself and responsible for my feelings.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's the pain of being present.  Of not attaching a story to my feelings or my present moment.  I'm reading this book The Untethered Soul and I think - I THINK what he is talking about is the pain we all have in our hearts that's been there for a long LONG time and how we all do all this OTHER SHIT to avoid that original pain.  WILD right?  So it's underneath all the bullshit like staring at other people and their lives.  Or I don't know maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying but that's what I'm getting out of it.  Oye yoi yoi.  Life.  Just keep peeling that onion and digging through that soul.  Ha!  What?  No seriously - what else is there?  Cake.  I'm starving.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 8, 2016

So excited!

I'm working on a commercial tomorrow!  I'm playing a nurse.  I'm so excited!!  I have to leave here at 5:00 a.m.  I'm not so excited about that but - well I can rest over the weekend I guess.  Okay - I don't even know what to say - except I'm tired and I'm nervous my hair is going to look terrible.  I have been lying to myself all day saying that even though my hair looks terrible now - it somehow won't look terrible tomorrow.  OH BOY.  I'm beginning to not believe myself.  That's okay - it's all part of this.  The negative thoughts.  I also went to target and tried on some t-shirts without pants on and so I saw the back of me which was unfortunate.  I mean parts of me look good!  Other parts - holy fuck.  Anyway I'm working on it.  I'm guessing they won't be filming me with only a t-shirt on and no pants.  I need water.  I guess I need to wake up at 3:00.  How in the serious fuck am I even going to get to sleep let alone get up at 3:00?  I guess I'm just going to do it - that's how.  I have to pack to go home too.  Okaaay.  Whoa.  Alright.  Well the excitement will help with waking me up.  Gotta go Bluebie - love you bye.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Amazed.

Well I drove 3 hours each way to go to 2 auditions in the city today.  I was able to write while I drove.  Oh which reminds me......I had to write some stuff down.  I'm amazed at how busy I am now with doing this full-time.  How did I ever get anything done?  I didn't.  I guess that's why it was never really working.  Okay my sisters cats are attacking each other but I'm just going to let them work that out.  I mean come on - these animals!  I love them more than anything but I'm not a zoo keeper.  I wonder what they are fighting over anyway?  Maybe the bed I'm on?  One has been on it for days and then I just looked over and the cat that's usually in the closet was on the bed. Haha - it's huge bed they could both be on it.  IM SO TIRED.  I have to go to sleep.  I got a job for Friday and I'm so excited!  So crazy!  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Complete, total and utter lack of Focus

Okay so there is a hurricane brewing, my mother doesn't feel well and I'm awake. Just listening to the wind whip through the trees. I can hear crickets too. It's so quiet. I can hear the highway in the background too. The electricity went out but then the generator kicked right in. That was weird. Super weird. Ugh so I have this time now to write and I just looked at Facebook for 30 minutes.  Maybe it was 10 - maybe it was 45 - I don't know because I have absolutely no focus! I'm feeling that same way I always feel when I'm nervous, under pressure, it's personal and I care ALOT. And that feeling is exhausted. Heavy. Lethargic. Want to lay down but can't sleep. Hungry - but full. Oye yoi yoi! So much drama.  What in the world is that about? It's like my nerves short me out.  I also feel like I'm going to fail so why even bother. That's the spirit! Ha omg - wow - born to fail - waaaay to goooo.  Alright well what's the truth? I can only do what I can do right now.  It's not that serious (even though it feels VERY VERY SERIOUS). Oh! I know. It's a challenge. I love a challenge!  I like that - it's s challenge. This house is scary as fuck - I mean Stephen King should come here and write his next book. That's what happens when you live in the city so long! A farm is SCARY. Ha. Oooookay love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, September 4, 2016

Dogs barking why?

I'm at the farm. It's 11:00 at night and one of the 3 dogs is barking but why?  Okay I got them to stop. I turned out the lights. I think they were barking at the cats. Anyway that's not why I wanted to write. I have a show this week. I feel like I can't do it. I still haven't found the time to write. But now I'm here. I just need to do it. Find the time. Make the time. I can do it. I just need to bring my a game.  Work at my fullest potential. Oh the cat got on the bed! Yay.  Okay what else?  Give myself a chance. Do the work! Gotta sleep byeee.

Thursday, September 1, 2016

Lead with Love? Nothing else has worked.

I woke up gruuuumpy today - holy cow.  Bad attitude and 3 different body parts hurt so I feel old.  Then I prayed & meditated - which took forever because I was so grumpy.  When I finally meditated I felt grateful and I realized love is the answer.  UGH HOW ANNOYING IS THAT??  Sigh.  Okay so I am trying to lead with love.  That's it.  I mean what else is there?  I have tried everything else and nothing has worked.  So why don't I lead with love and then at least I'm not in a constant state of misery.  Oh it's scary though - because if I'm truly doing things from a loving, heartfelt place - holy shit.  That's terrifying.  There's no safety net there.  I think my instincts tell me to do things from a manipulative, ego driven, heady place.  That's safer and that makes more sense.  But it doesn't make more sense.  It makes my hear though and I just can't go there anymore.  I need to grow.  So why not try it?  I will give it 90 days like with early sobriety.  WHOA - I just got sleepy.  I spent an hour today trying to unhook my twitter and facebook accounts.  How old does that make me in dog years?  1000?  Gotta go do SOME STUFF WITH LOVE.  Lead with love.  How long before I crack?  20 minutes?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.