Friday, August 18, 2017

Raining.

It's raining.  Is that a powerful title or what.  Oh you know what it stopped.  The genetics lady just called and they approved the genetics testing for me which  means it's going to be about 2 weeks before I know when I will have surgery.  Is that true?  I have no idea actually.  I am going to see a woman today who is going to "educate" me...I think?  Honestly I don't know what she is going to do.  They asked me to be part of some study and I said yes.  It's about stress levels during this.  I think I can say I am pretty stressed.  And exhausted.  My energy level is at like nothing.  Which honestly isn't saying much since I was tired already.  Well I just sent the Snake Doctor an email asking him what that might be about.  Googling isn't always helpful because people say lots of scary things but maybe I should do some research?  Not now I have to get ready.  I have horrible PMS and I can't do anything about it since I have that biopsy Monday.  Oh my God - I looked up what kind of biopsy it is and - they lay you face down on this table with your boob poking through a hole and then they raise the table up and do stuff to your boob.  IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY.  Once again I am not even sure why I am writing right now.  I guess I just wanted to express my terror and frustration.  That almost made me laugh because it's so fucking dramatic.  It is however how I feel.  I guess the exhaustion is what worries me - like I might be sicker than they realize or something?  I have to say though that I am not sleeping that great and all of this is so overwhelming.  Changing my diet - waiting to hear what is happening now with my other breast while this one waits to be operated on.  Yeah okay that's making me tired.  I have to go get ready to do this - whatever it is at the hospital.  I hope that woman who is the "breast navigator" isn't there.  She was so aggressive.  Holy fuck.  All she did was talk about herself and whatever.  I am sure some people really need that when they are going through this.  A distraction.  It would have been nice if she asked me if I was okay or if I needed anything.  Oh no!  PMS!  I'm trying to replace the PMS with God.  I'm pretty sure it's not working since my mind keeps slipping back into negative thinking and obsessive thoughts.  At least I know that's what they are.  Yeah right.  That's good.  I know it's just my head going in the wrong direction - not something I need to focus on.  Is that me being hard on myself?  I think I am hot - is it hot in here?  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

Today.

Today I am - what?  Awake and doing the best I can.  I jogged.  I ate a healthy breakfast and I made some "magic" tea.  I made a phone call about a bill I got and cried when they said it was a mistake.  I'm going to go babysit and I am so fucking grateful for those kids.  Yesterday I brought them to tennis early so I could make one of those radio prank phone calls and they were so great about it.  Sat in my car with me and when the radio station called they got out of the car and sat on the bench.  I was really crazy yesterday - so sad, so upset.  I went and got more mammograms and it was SO painful that I cried.  Maybe I was just crying at the situation.  It did hurt though and they did 6 of them.  Then I got an ultrasound and now I have to get a biopsy in my other breast.  Oh sigh.  It's so overwhelming.  And sad.  I can't help it - it really is sad.  That being said I felt a lot better after I went to the meeting.  And today I feel better after jogging and taking care of myself.  I prayed & meditated this morning and that helped also.  It's such an in-between time of the most uncomfortable kind.  The doctor and the genetics lady also are throwing around the idea of very radical treatment....to which I am thinking about and I suppose I should do some research on.  It's really exhausting and a lot to wrap my brain around.  Anyway I don't even have an appointment scheduled for surgery yet.  Is that what it's called?  An appointment?  Whatever.  I have my anniversary coming up so that is probably making me even more crazy.  Crazy isn't the right word - in my head.  Okay I need to take a shower and go see those kids.  Wish me good vibes at not self-destructing over this whole thing.  I hope I can keep my heart strong.  xoxoxo

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Denial Lost.

Well I am finally not feeling well.  I mean I'm home sick on the couch.  I guess it all finally caught up with me and the reality of this has hit me and I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what happened yesterday but I took those kids to the pool and wasn't feeling that great - I have been so tired all week.  I know this sounds insane since I have the Circumstance and so of course I wouldn't feel well but just bear with me....I was so tired all week from not sleeping right because the guy's back was fucked up.  I just thought I was tired and overwhelmed - well it turns out I just ran myself down and by the time I dropped those kids off at tennis I did not feel good.  My throat had started to hurt and I was DONE.  Also I found out I didn't get the commercial - the one where they LOVED me and said I was A STAR.  Haha - no one even called me - I had to ask.  Ugh - I'm over it today but yesterday it just hurt my feelings and was disappointing.  Yuck I don't even like writing it - who gives a flying fuck but the point is I didn't feel good.  I came home and sat on the couch and watched New Girl and 30 Rock for 4 hours.  I drank shitloads of water and really took care of myself and I still woke up not feeling well so I stayed here and here I stay.  I prayed, meditated, took a detox bath, listened to an Alanon meeting, talked to a friend.  I also have been taking all of the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me which is probably another reason I'm sick - I think I am detoxing.  I can't even imagine that I would have more detoxing to do but I GUESS SO.  Oh I also cried - I cried A LOT.  How much fun am I right now?  MY head is clogged and I just feel flu like.  It sucks - that's all and it's supposed to suck and I am letting myself stay home and not feel good.  I'm over it.  I mean trying to push myself when I feel AWFUL.  No is a full length sentence.  That's not the saying.  No is a complete sentence?  I have no idea.  Just no - no I can't leave - I don't want to be stressed out - I feel disgusting no.  Who am I arguing with?  Myself I guess.  I had to take 2 Advil because my head is pounding.  My whole left side of my body is fucked up.  My tooth, the roof of my mouth, my left knee, my left breast - even my lower left back.  The feminine side.  I'm too tired to try and figure out what that means or what to do about it - I'm going to lay down.  Bye.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

Little Old Lady Circumstance.

I saw another doctor yesterday who I loved.  She said right away I will be okay and then told me a whole shitload of cray things I have to do before that will happen.  She told me I have a type of Circumstance that only old ladies get.  Little old ladies.  Is that fucking nuts or what?  Have I been that wildly unhappy in my life that I aged myself into an old lady?  Maybe.  I don't know it doesn't matter.  This is where I am and this is what I have to deal with.  I am terrified to do these next tests - they sound very painful, lengthy and uncomfortable.  It's okay I will do it.  I went to see the Snake Doctor and he gave me a shitload of stuff to do and take plus pages of stuff to take and buy.  It will support me.  I have to remember that.  Plus an anti-inflammatory diet - which just in case you are wondering does not involve anything that when you eat it - you feel like fucking it.  No food fucking here.  no more food fucking!!  It's okay.  I'm exhausted.  I am mother fucking exhausted.  I went to a callback today and it was fun.  I was trying to act casual while reading all this shit about the Circumstance.  Gross.  Not gross!  Good for me!!!!  I am taking care of myself!!!  Oh my God the poor guy.  My poor poor guy is so upset - he's a hot mess.  His back is all fucked up - he's had to sleep on the floor and is screaming every morning when he wakes up.  I didn't realize how upset he was.  He loves me.  He loves me so much that now when I really need him - HE'S FALLING APART.  Haha.  No seriously he needs to get it together.  I'm so overwhelmed.  Did I say that?  I am so absolutely overwhelmed.  I need an assistant for this.  How am I going to keep all this straight?  One day at a time.  One thing at a time.  Okay I'm going to go work on figuring out what I need to do tomorrow.  I have a million phone calls to make.  It's okay.  I can hear a owl right now.  I love living here.  I love hearing the cicadas (is that what they are?) and the kids next door.  There's one that's an a-hole - he's always screaming and saying stuff like "And another thing!!"  Have I said that before?  I'm so confused.  Breathe.  I just need to breathe.  Let go of the negative thoughts.  Just let them go.  Just let my brain re-groove.  My poor baby brain needs to re-groove some pathways so I can heal this body.  Help heal this body.  Help this body heal.  Good thoughts - xoxoxo

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Waiting.

I'm just waiting.  I have a second opinion for tomorrow and hopefully I will get the results from my MRI - or rather the results.  AM I BORING?  AM I A BORING PERSON WHO IS NOW DYING FROM THE CIRCUMSTANCE??  Holy fuck.  Okay I have to stop writing - I am fucking with my own head.  I am just not even going there and even if I am WHO FUCKING CARES.  I get to be boring.  I have had plenty of drama and blech and creepy sex and blech and who gives a flying fuck.  Boring is awesome.  Bring on the boring.  I would love the Boring medium rare with a side of LAME.  Thank you!  Serenity.  I want boring, beautiful serenity!!!  I have HAD it.  I'm over trying to shove life around to be the way I want it to be and I am OVER it.  What?  I'm mixing up my thoughts.  First thought - bring on the boring.  Second thought - I want to feel good and I don't feel good trying to make life do what I want it to.  Third thought - I'm sick of being mad at God's Creation - which is me.  What have I been doing all my life?  So upset at this thing God created and why?  I'm great!  I'm so lucky!!  Jesus Fucking Holy of God Christ!  I'm just over all of it.  Well anyway.  I'm so tired.  I have been going to auditions and spending time with those kids.  Thank God for those kids.  It is such a relief to hang out with them.  Then they fight and then it's such a relief to leave!  Ha.  What a-holes.  They are great though.  Ugh so Jesus I am just sort of stuck here in the middle waiting.  Waiting for this second opinion, waiting for the MRI results, waiting waiting waiting.  I am exhausted.  But guess what?  It's quiet.  I made myself a great dinner.  I talked to my sister on the phone for an hour.  I can go to bed early.  It's so fucking great and awesomely boring.  Bring it on.  Ohhhhhhh well.  K bye.

Saturday, August 5, 2017

Sugarfree Saturday.

Well I still have the Circumstance happening - which is what my friend ugh let's call her Lauren because that's her name - says to call it so that's what we are calling it.  I will call her by her real name and the thing by that one.  What?  Anyway.  Sigh.  But I feel a lot better.  I have talked to a million people and doctors and I went and got an MRI.  I had to get on my hands and knees and pray before I did the MRI because I was so fucking scared.  I did it though.  I got really lucky - it was a new machine so it was big.  They had me on my stomach anyway but still.  I went to see one specialist about what the operation would be like and HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE.  He seemed to think it's small and so not much involved but offered to give me a breast lift and reduction while he was in there.  You can't see me right now but I do not need a reduction OR A LIFT thank you very much.  So I have an appointment for a second opinion.  Maybe she will say the same thing I don't know.  Maybe she will make the same seemingly bizarre offer.  Can you even imagine I feel guilty saying that he said that?  It just seemed so strange.  I am trying to make fun of it but I guess it just hurt my feelings but also - it felt like he was trying to sell me a used car.  Or a new car - but - a car.  I was so upset, so freaked out almost all week.  Then I finally calmed down.  I don't even really know what happened.  I think it was my friend Lauren saying it's just a circumstance and it's going to be okay.  She got an MRI two days before me and she was like "It was nothing - I just meditated while I was in there for 20 minutes."  So that's what I did and I also have been just telling myself to be strong and I keep saying to myself "Thank you for my healing thank you for my healing thank you for my healing."  I have been going to meetings and making phone calls to other sober women who have had a similar circumstance.  The kids came back also and I got to take them to the pool for 2 days and that helped so much.  They are so funny, dorky and self-centered - not worried at all about me or what might be going on.  It was so refreshing.  I have continued on this diet and if ever there was a reason to change my fucking thinking as well as my diet it's this one.  So I haven't had any sugar in 22 days!  23?  Wait am I lying?  Yes because I had Tums twice.  Well for the most part I haven't had any sugar, dairy, grains or beans for 23 days.  Tonight for dinner I made salmon cakes with fresh dill, fresh parsley, fresh shallots, almond flour  and sweet potato.  I even made a homemade tartar sauce.  THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD.  Then I made banana ice cream.  Which is frozen bananas with coconut milk, cinnamon and nutmeg.  I also added cocoa.  It's not supposed to be part of the diet but I get a pass (self-given) from the Circumstance.  It's still sugar free!  And it's fucking delicious.  I think maybe it sounds fucking disgusting but when you haven't had any sugar for 23 days it's amazing.  The guy is being so great thank God - we got past that initial hump.  Sleeping has been hard but I'm switching up my coffee use so hopefully that will adjust as well.  I am still totally terrified and sad plus my boob feels electric which I know is in my head but still.  Anyway it's Saturday and it's been a nice day.  I feel lucky and grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Can't sleep.....

He said it is cancer.  He also said I will be fine although he seemed less sure of himself but we were on the phone so maybe I imagined that part.  I feel so sick and sad.  I called him back today and he said it will be alright - that the care for breast cancer is so much better now.  WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME.  Ugh I don't know what to say.  I don't even know what kind it is or what it looks like.  I am going tomorrow to pick up the film so I can see what it looks like.  I feel like all the abuse I did to my body has done this.  The negativity, the - I don't know.  The guy almost had a fucking coronary when I said that.  So I guess I should stop saying it - it's not helping anyway.  I'm still doing the diet.  Oh Jesus this is exhausting me - I am going to go to sleep.  Ugh I am so scared.  I am scared but also I don't even know what it is.  What is cancer?  I really have no fucking idea.  Ugh okay I have to go.  I am going to try once more to go to sleep.  I should stop doing research it's making me insane.  Love you bye.