Friday, March 7, 2014
I got 3 hours of sleep last night. This schedule of mine has been so crazy lately. I am amazed at my ability to wake up in the morning and get places - it's totally mind blowing to me. I was able to go and get my taxes done this morning before work and get to work early so I could do some alanon work. I went to see where he lives last night and then I got so turned on by the tour of his apartment I slept over. What? Who does that? It's a nice, clean apartment but it's not mind blowing or anything - it just really turned me on for some reason. So there you go - and then he drove me back into the city so I could get my taxes done. Now I am here at work all I my head. It's okay - it seems like it will be a quiet day today so I can work on my stuff for class tonight and get my head on straight. Dear lord I am so out of it - I just sat here for 5 minutes staring out the window smiling and worrying. HA! Love you Bluebie bye.
Thursday, March 6, 2014
Note to self - when I "feel" something going on with another person - don't try to figure it out, then figure out how to fix it and then talk to them about it. HA - what? So fucking alanonic. Anyway - I have been busy the last couple of days, meetings, rehearsal with The Royal Douche from class (and it was a great rehearsal actually- finally able to focus on the WORK and not his doucheness - that's not nice but true and my own issues blah, blah, blah) a dance class, a show an audition and working. SO WONDERFUL!! It's still freezing and I'm tired but I feel so grateful to be so busy. Okay so I want to focus on recovery today. Oh and steaming new clothes that came in. Okay - well - I'm going to where he lives tonight to see the guy. But I have to get my taxes done early in the a.m. so no hanky panky. Who says that?? LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.
Tuesday, March 4, 2014
That's all I know about this guy right now - I mean I like him so much but I don't know. He's so sweet - so caring and kind but this morning I was so thrown off myself after making out with him for 2 hours last night. I mean it's so intense. Who the fuck am I? I don't know - I am getting my feet back on the ground and I need to do it from a loving place for myself. Am I making sense? It would just be so easy to lose myself in him and I just can't. It will ruin it and - and I will be angry. Also - I have worked SO hard - why let it all go now and for what? I think it's my intimacy issues. It's easier to lose myself in someone rather than to grow and keep getting to know him. I am sooooo attracted to him and I can TALK to him. When has that ever happened? Okay - also I have pms so let's just let this go for right now. I have to steam some dresses and - I don't know - write in my journal. Haha and hopefully something else that might be of service to someone other than myself. Love you Bluebie and your amazing listening powers.
Monday, March 3, 2014
we were on my parents farm - near the back of one field that is lined with woods - one of my nephews went into a area that turned out to be a lake of some sort - quick sandish. So he fell in and was having a hard time swimming and then he turned into one of my sisters. So I wanted to help and I started to move carefully towards her - she was making her way to the side - with difficulty but I didn't want to fall in so I slowly sideways moved along foot by foot so as to make sure there was land underneath me. She almost got to the side as I got there and I gave her my arm and pulled her out. She was all wet and kind of flustered but she was like - okay - yeah. This was the drinking night dream - so the night before last night. Seriously - I wonder why I dream so much? All night long these dreams. I NEED TO GO TO WORK.
The night before last night I had a drinking dream - 2 of them because I woke up after 1 of them. Whatever - I won't go into detail. Last night I dreamed my acting teacher took all of us to this Summer place - we were going to stay there and work for the Summer. He pulls the car up to the most brilliantly colorful lakeside - I can't say resort because it seemed remote. But not remote in a scary way - it was just unbelievable beautiful. The trees, the water, the sky - everything was bursting with color and I was so excited he brought us there. Then something happened and he said we had to leave - we weren't going to be able to stay there. I thought it was going to finally happen with us! Anyway - what the fuck is my point? I can't remember ever having such a colorful dream before - I mean I was blown away. Well - then I woke up thinking about this guy - but I smiled. Ha - whoa. Now I need to get ready and got o work a the store. This will be my 3 week of working 7 days a week. I'm getting my taxes done this week and I am not looking forward to that. But it will be what it will be and I will do whatever I need to do. I watched the Oscar's last night and I cried. I realized after it was over that I don't feel any differently than I did 18 years ago when I was watching them in college. I lived in this big house with a bunch of other kids but I had my own room. I was in there watching the Oscar's by myself and crying. I just loved it so much, show business, acting - and I still do - I still love all that shit so much - I can't help it. I don't even want to help it!! On a completely separate note - I have realized this past weekend how my resentments and anger don't serve me. Oh boy - I mean I can feel in my body how it doesn't serve me - how wasteful of my energy it is - how stopping of love it is. I want to say how it is covering up of fear - which I know intellectually is true but I can't feel that in my body yet. Maybe now that I wrote it down. Love you Bluebie bye.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
I love rice pasta - it cooks super fast and it's not made from wheat so my system handles it better. Just now I got home from work and I made rice pasta with asparagus, super greens, organic garlic and olive oil. What? It was fucking delicious - oh and sea salt. I worked that brunch today and did I write last week about the man who wrote the nasty comment card about me? Gave me (HA!) a 5 out of 10 stars (um - he made up the rating system - we don't have one) and left an 8% tip. He was also really mean to me when I waited on him and I was nice back - I really was. I threw out his comment card and I was so hurt by it and upset that I had to go for a walk outside to calm down and pray. I know it sounds ridiculous but he was awful. SO GUESS WHO ONE OF THE FIRST CUSTOMERS WAS TODAY?? 8:45 - he sits in my section and looks at me like he's never seen me before. He had a slightly less psychotic look in his eye so I didn't recognize him at first but then he ordered the same tea, toast - pancakes and eggs. Unreal. I must have had my mouth hanging open looking at him - and I was FURIOUS. When I tell you I wanted to take a shit in his butter - I am not even fucking kidding you. The amount of self control I had to use in order to not do something to his tea or food was HUGE. Especially because the other waiter was like "DO IT!!!" I mean - why did he come back? I finally asked the other guy to drop off his check and this time he left a decent tip and he walked away looking so - sick and suffering. WHICH UPSET ME EVEN MORE. That's who that man is - isn't that the saddest thing in the world? He is someone who goes in someplace - says he hates it - is really mean and awful - and then goes back 3 days later and wonders why he has diarrhea for a month. But the real lesson I learned? Walk away. I did not feel better until I stopped helping him in anyway and I will never wait on that man again - ever. I don't deserve to be treated that way and more than that I never have to help anyone ever again who does treat me that way. I mean tonight someone's phone on the train was driving me bonkers so I got up and moved. After I stared at them 10 times - but still - I finally got up and moved and I felt better. My instincts were to fight with this man or do something really nasty to him - but the most kind thing I could do was just stop interacting with him. And I mean kind for myself. Okay - well - I'm going to take a bath. I deserve a bath right? When am I going to stop being a waitress? I'm sick of being a victim of people and their eggs. OH BOY - LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Listen - I'm about to write about myself again and I feel so selfish and I was just thinking how great it would be if someone was reading this and being helped in some way. Please let that be true because I can't stand that I do nothing to help this Earth and humanity except recycle - and I only do it HERE in my apartment. Well - I will keep this brief. I got annoyed at this guy - THE guy - and so instead of reacting from an angry place - I went to therapy, told him I needed to go to bed early - which is true - and then came home and asked my friend about what was happening. Now - I feel better and I'm home and I can get a good night's sleep. THAT IS AMAZING. In the past I would have twisted myself into a pretzel - that's all. I'm keeping this brief. I'm so tired. How am I going to work 2 brunches in a row? HOW? I can do it!!! Okay - love you Bluebie bye.