Wednesday, November 26, 2014

I just ate a pizza at work.

It's so cold & rainy and I have a cold.  So I ate a pizza.  Garlic and spinach.  It was fucking delicious.  I am so chilly and I'm tired.  I did 2 shows last night -which was good.  I need a coffee I think.  The guy has a cold too.  So in the am we are driving to the farm and over the weekend I'm going to try and sell some jewelry.  It does seem crazy in this weather and I am forgetting how to have fun with it.  I'm so tired of being poor but I guess more than that I'm tired of feeling scared about it.  I feel the same way whether I have money or not so BLECH.  I'm over it.  I have a cold AND a yeast infection (I don't mean to brag).  Well I'm going to make cranberry scones tonight and make my mother a pineapple upside down cake.  That's fun right?  What I really want to do is go home after work and go to bed at 9:30 and sleep for 4 days.  My schedule is so much lighter than it was and I'm still so tired.  Or - I don't know - maybe I'm just tired because I have a cold and it's raining.  I REALLY don't know if I can handle 4 MORE WEEKS of Christmas music.  Holy fucking Jesus balls.  Okay well I think I have complained enough.  On a more awesome and grateful note (why not it's Thanksgiving??) I have 1911 days sober.  Sober and more or less clean (except for all the rage and poor behavior).  Hooray!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Oh BOY.

Jeez - well yesterday I had some sort of implosion.  By the time I left the store I was angry and filled with rage and - not good.  I couldn't shake it off - even after therapy and a meeting.  I finally ate Cheetos, an ice cream sandwich, watched New Girl and then slept 9 hours and then prayed and meditated for well over an hour this morning and I feel better.  Well - so I feel better and now I need to get out of my pajamas and get up and at 'em.  I don't know about anyone else but I need time alone.  That's all there is to it.  But now I need to get out there and back into the world.  Jesus - I was taking myself VERY seriously last night.  Can you imagine adding drugs and alcohol to that?  That's what I used to do.  Get angry - filled with rage and then just dump lighter fluid on top of it.  It wasn't always like that - sometimes it was fun and crazy - I would feel relief and feel better.  But at the end of it - I was always just relighting the rage - silently stewing in my own pot of hatred.  What???  OMG - could I be more melodramatic right now?  Well it's true though.  I'm so sad I wasted that time - wasted my joy - wasted my light.  WELL I DON'T HAVE TO ANYMORE - and these programs help give me the tools to not do that anymore.  How was this so exhausting to write?  Haaaa - sigh.  I need to go in the park and get some fresh air.  My love to you my sweetest, sturdiest Bluebie!!!  Byeeeee!!

Friday, November 21, 2014

POEM

I haven't got much to say
So I will dance
In my head
As I waste away
sitting here
Pretending I care
I DO CARE.
Why did I eat SO MUCH TOFU?
WHO OVEREATS TOFU?????
Bye.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Playful Manifestation.

That was today's centering thought or title or whatever for Deepak and Oprah's meditation challenge.  Have you been doing it?  It's really wonderful.  Have I written about this before?  Deepak has such a soothing voice!  Omg - which is not how I usually feel when I listen to Indian men.  Yeah - I like it.  So today was about playful manifestation.  I'm more of the school of Manipulative Manifestation.  Or Forceful Manifestation or Drive It Into The Ground Manifestation.  So - see - that's why the guided meditations are helpful!  I am so stressed out that my shoulders hurt.  When I am stressed out I scrunch my shoulders up around my neck - holy fucking tense tension.  All I have been doing is sitting here today trying to learn about this jewelry.  Okay I also ate and put on make-up.  HOW IN THE FUCK is that doing something?  And I talked to the guy a little bit.  Oh that sweet guy.  I did sell a pair of gloves.  WHAT?  Who am I???  I did a show last night and that was good.  Tonight I am going to try and sell more jewelry.  I guess we will see how it goes!!  Playfully!  Right?  I am really going to work from that place of Playful Manifestation.  Okay loooove you Bluebie byeee!!

Sunday, November 16, 2014

WARNING - I'M GOING TO BE POSITIVE

I had such a nice weekend with the guy and then I went and did a show tonight and brought some friends with me - Larni and some other people.  Then we went to a diner and I had SUCH a great time!  I mean - are you kidding me?  I also went to a meeting and went for a jog this morning.  I feel so blessed.  Right now the super and the homeless guy who helps him are painting outside in the hallway and smoking - HA - so there you go - I'm not being completely positive!  I had a decent show and now I need to do homework, do my yoga and go to sleep.  AMEN LITTLE BLUEBIE - AMEN.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

What I learned about myself today.....

I don't understand people and I don't understand how to understand what the fuck is ever going on in reality.  Also I don't really give a shit and I'm tired and sometimes I would rather lie than deal with people.  I'm not sure how that' helpful but there it is.  Oh life!  So tender.  Bye.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Clarity.

I can't seem to get any clarity about what I want.  What I REALLY want.  I want health insurance and a job and a beautiful place to live.  So I have no health insurance - I can't get other work because it conflicts with my job here - I do some comedy - take an acting class and I'm trying to sell this jewelry.  It's too much!  Oh my GOD - I am about to fall asleep.  I'm afraid to even SAY what I really want.  Okay bye.