Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I'm being a victim.

That's all - I'm being a victim of the life I am wanting to live.  I'm so lucky I'm sober - I have a beautiful man in my life and I know wonderful people.  I also believe that I'm sad that this show and my idea around how to get people to it - was manipulative and - I don't know - similar to how I used to live in the past but also - I need to ask some questions.  I know Im not being clear.  I need to live and create differently now that's all.  It's okay.  I prayed & meditated and my thoughts shifted.  It's okay - it's all just a challenge and I just need to take this opportunity to ask questions, have my power and be clear.  It's all good.  And even better I don't have to work with that crazy chick today haha so awesome.  Okay so let's make the best of this day and grab life loosely (but don't let goooooo) the horns and breathe.  Bye! 

Weirdest dream.

I dreamed I was a wife and a husband - it kept switching - then the husband shot the wife but then the wife shot the husband.  Hid the gun - then it as like some horror movie where the wife/husband came to life only in the middle of the night.  Then I kept hiding the gun but trying to find it and escape from the house.  The house was scary and had snakes I think?  Or some evil part to it.  Next thing I know there's a little tiny Indian boy inside a giant wok on the stove and he's cleaning it with a big white puffy sponge.  He's rolling it around and talking about how this is the only way to get pots clean - is to get little!  Then the brother was in a different pot and cleaning that one but not enjoying it that much.  Then they say they have to take the stuff to make them bigger so they can clean the rest of the house.  OKAY.  Then Im trying to escape the house by going upstairs (what) then one of the boys (or someone) says um - there's a problem - there's a thing.  I look up and there's this giant tree/snake/dinosaur thing growing through the middle of the house (that's now a mansion) huge and it's sort of breathing.  Then my alarm went off and now I think I have a brain tumor.  UGH.  I have to go to work.  One thing that is better about this job is that I have to be there an hour later.  That's the only thing better.  Oh man my attitude stinks.  Why am I so sad all of a sudden?  I don't even know.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Dont know if this is going to work.

I mean what am I doing?  Im middle fucking aged for fuck's sake.  Im running all over town doing shows that no one sees me at.  Or no - that's not even it.  I don't even have time to write.  I mean I go and do these shows and then I have no real material - or that's how it feels.  Maybe Im just not funny and I really cant do this job.  That never actually occurred ot me before to actually question whether or not I can do this job.  I mean I really don't know.  Im fucking exhausted and I have no money.  I mean Im so broke.  Oh good lord I don't know.  This is just totally crazy.  What would I do if I could do anything in the world?  I would dance, sing and act.  I would do comedy too but I would do it differently.  I mean god LORD.  I have to go to bed - Im so tired.  Im grateful but Im tired.  What?  Im not grateful Im angry.  BLECH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 28, 2015


Well the new job and that crazy chick I work with are a lot.  I dropped my cell phone in the toilet at therapy on Saturday.  My therapist said she's a contagion - that she catages me with her negative energy.  I don't want to be a victim of this woman so I am practicing walking away - looking her in the eye and saying "Okay."  That doesn't make any sense.  She's just all over the place an dI haven't figured out how to create internal boundaries around her.  She can be likeable sometimes but she's also a toucher and a grabber.  Honestly it's INSANE.  She slapped me on the arm the other day and it HURT.  Haha - what the fuck?  Where are my God Damned BALLS for fuck sake.  Just hello please stop doing that already.  I will get there - good fucking LORD I will get there.  Im so stressed out.  I don't have enough money and my credit card is running out.  Someone called me last week and tried to get me to give him $6500.  HA.  He called and left a message saying "This is serious there is a complaint against you - you need to call me."  So I did and then he scared THE SHIT out of me until I realized he was making no sense.  I even called the credit card company he was talking about and THEY said to ignore him - he's scamming you.  But omg - I really fell for it.  I was so scared.  I did such shadey shit when I was drinking that I actually thought maybe I did something and forgot about it.  Um - $6500????  Who the fuck forgets about that much money?  I seem crazy right?  It's my day off - I worked yesterday and I hosted a show last night - it was a good day but long.  So now I have  prayed/meditated, jogwalked in the park and cooked myself lunch.  Now Im going to dye my hair and go to my acting class.  Oh a meeting.  Im going to try to make it to a meeting although it's looking less and less likely that Im going to get to that.  Just calm down right?  Just breathe - one thing at a time.  Oaky love you Bleubie bye.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Totally overwhelmed.

Im supposed to be in the shower.  I am just so completely overwhelmed.  I have a big show next week that we are producing and it is zero percent ready.  Holy shit then going to a wedding the next day - don't have a dress.  I cant get to my regular meetings on time because the new job gets out an hour later and - UGH - WHY AM I WRITNG THIS??  I need ot be in the shower and I'm fucking tired.  I just can't juggle it al right now or whatever.  Also I keep thinking I shouldn't have left that job yet.  It's so crazy - there was never a good time to leave there and this was as good a time as any.  The best time.  It's done anyway.  Im so terrified about money - this job is even less money and I wasn't even making enough at the old job.  Am I ever going to be able to make any money?  I mean what is my fucking problem?  Im exhausted and it's 9:45 am.  UGH.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 21, 2015

Day 2211.

Hi.  I just came back from my acting class and made myself a veggie burger.  No bun.  Who am I?  I have only the one job now which is super disorienting and now I am changing my diet which is 100% disorienting.  Lord I am trying to lose weight and I've adjusted my food - I lost about 5 pounds.  That's it.  SO FRUSTRATING.  But reading that book Eat Pretty I realized (and since I'm really trying to make a lifestyle change barf) I was eating cheeseburgers, muffins and potato chips on a regular basis.  I mean - those were my food sources.  I would say I was 20% healthy eating and 80% not.  Maybe 50/50.  Okay I will give myself 50/50.  What the fuck is that?  Haha delicious that's what.  I haven't had a bacon cheddar burger in at least a month if not longer.  Seriously that really is a fucking miracle.  Anyway whatever - I can't afford to eat in the new neighborhood I work in now.  I got a small ice coffee and a brownie one day and it was 8 fucking dollars.  Ha!  Okay so Soho is even MORE expensive than the upper east side whoa.  Whatever.  Anyway Im still not ironed out enough in my schedule that I have started to work on my writing more.  What am I talking about?  I mean why am I writing this right now?  I guess because I WANT to.  Okay so it's okay - everything is okay.  I made it through all the extra days of working and I will figure out this next new phase of living also.  It will be weird to not live in this apartment anymore.  I mean Im not moving right now Im just saying.  Fuck Im so tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 17, 2015


Love my guy
Job is ending
New job - decision pending
Have my class
Have my love
Prayed & meditated
Sought from above
Inside outside
Old ladies new
Lord help
help me stay true.