Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Acceptance of Uncomfortableness.

I am so physically and emotionally uncomfortable.  I'm so much better from the surgery!  I can walk almost my whole walk now and swing my left arm the whole time.  Not a full swing but I don't have to baby it and have it in my pocket the whole time.  Is that some 90 year old shit to say or what?  "I can swing my arm almost the whole time during my walk dear!"  Ha that made me laugh.  UGH THANK GOD PLEASE I NEED TO LAUGH.  I am so lonely.  I miss going on my auditions and I am here at home alone a LOT more.  That of course is confusing because if someone came over it would exhaust me in 10 minutes and I would want them to leave.  I think I'm lonely in my heart.  I just miss going to shows and miss running around more for the auditions and stuff.  But I wasn't well - always so tired.....so this is my chance to heal, to get myself back I guess.  So I'm lonely but it's okay.  I had such a hard time sleeping last night - I just didn't want to take that fucking medication anymore so I didn't and who cares.  I'm healing and I am feeling better and stronger.  I am accepting that my body is in discomfort and it wont last forever.  Is it possible that I am NOT BEING A PUSSY for once in my life?  Ha.  Maybe.  So I am uncomfortable in so many ways but it's alright.  I know God has my back and that this is an opportunity.  I just have to practice all the great tools of the program and moving forward slowly one day at a time, doing what I can where I can.  I have some shows coming up so that will be great.  I will have a couple of weeks where I am doing stuff before treatment starts.  Barf.  When I woke up and was so upset, so down I just said to myself "It's okay , of course you feel this way it sucks and it's painful...just use the tools you have all these tools all this stuff to help you to the other side.  It's just discomfort."  So I did my thing.  I prayed and meditated.  Spoke to another survivor of breast cancer.  Talked to a sponsee...took my long Granny walk and talked to another sponsee.  Ate lots of yummy foods and took a shitload of vitamins.  I think the walk helped the most.  The sunshine and the fresh air - the BREATHING.  Yeah.  It clears my head.  I wrote in my journal....wrote some jokes.   Now I'm going to take a shower and I feel somewhat on the other side.  Still a bit heavy and of course so scared.  But I guess I don't have to stay in anything if I don't want to - meaning a feeling either physically, emotionally or spiritually.  That being said - still lonely.  But it's okay I am going to take a shower!  What?  Haha bye.

Saturday, October 14, 2017

Oprah Oprah Oprah OPRAH OPRAH OpRaH OPraH oPRAh Oprah Deepak DEEPAK DEEPAK DEEPAK Oprah

I fucking love Oprah.  I have been listening for years now and doing the free guided meditations of Deepak and Oprahs.  The guy also buys them and we listen to them everyday - and meditate.  Okay I have written about it before right?  I think so?  Who knows I can't fucking remember anything anymore.  REGARDLESS - this week one of them blew my mind.  Oprah always speaks first and on this particular day she was talking about the 3 principles that she lives by.  The first is that you need a vision for your life.  What do I want my life to look like?  Without the light of a vision you have nowhere to go.  My words I think not hers.  The second is what is your intention?  This is amazing to me because of my people pleasing AND my fucking passive aggressiveness.  It's twofold - I say yes when I mean no and then I'm fucking pissed about it but also I do nice things when I don't want to and I am exhausted by it AND I go to people who have nothing to give all the fucking time and then judge them.  So what is my intention there?  To be uncomfortable in that way instead of just sitting with myself and my feelings and doing my work.  Okay fine - great realizations and a great principle to truly start to live by - what is my motherfucking intention here?  The third is Newton's Law - in fact Newton's third law which states that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  When you put out positive - YOU GET POSITIVE BACK.  I know I know that is the most obvious thing in the world but for some reason this week it blew my mind.  If I'm being nice and I don't want to be nice and I'm pissed - that' not actually nice and I AM NOT GETTING NICE BACK.  Aghhhh!  This isn't even about me getting nice back it's about me living more authentically and to stop the passive aggressive, uncomfortable, unmanageable behavior that doesn't serve me and doesn't feel good.  THANK YOU OPRAH AND DEEPAK.

Here's what else I realized this week.  For years I have been trying to "get back my power."  This week while meditating I realized that THAT IS WHERE I GET MY POWER.  MY HIGHER POWER.  Again - duh.  It's the 11th step "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."   Okay well it doesn't say exactly what I am saying but that was what happened while I was seeking this week.  It shifted something in my meditation practice.

NEXT THING.  I love plants I buy tons of plants I kill tons of plants.  For years I have been buying, caring for and killing plants.  I didn't have good light in my apartment so I thought that was it.  It seemed so strange because they would stay alive for the longest time then just start to go.  Well I moved here and brought the plant I hadn't killed yet and my guy started to REPOT THEM.  I thought it was so weird.  Then THEY GREW BIGGER AND STAYED ALIVE!  It took me almost 2 years to remember that the roots of a plant can be as big as the plant itself o it NEEDS A BIG POT but especially if it's growing.  So then I realized I needed a bigger pot.  I need more roots.  I need to heal and I need a bigger God a bigger pot a shit ton more nutrition more light more love A BIGGER POT.  MORE SOIL.  So there you go.  That was my week.  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Sunday, October 8, 2017

and when I'm bad I'm HORRIBLE

Why does there have to be a stupid title for these posts?  It's fucking enraging sometimes and feels totally inauthentic a lot of the time.  I woke up on the wrong side of the mother-fucking bed.  I had such a good day yesterday - I have no idea what happened.  I cried while I was meditating and just kept thinking about this friend who said I was a shitty friend and made me feel awful.  It was AWFUL.  Meaning me thinking about it.  It was just my alcoholism ravaging my brain.  It was also awful when she said I was a shitty friend.  But I have no idea - I mean when my brain is like that I can't know what the truth is.  I am just mired in alcoholic thinking - it's insanity.  It's just the past or the future and it's all negative.  I think part of the problem is that right now I am having these waves of trauma, drama, terror, and something else.  What else?  Well good things.  Seeing how loving and kind people can be - feeling taken care of - realizing this is some sort of opportunity even though it did NOT feel like it today.  I just wake up miserable sometimes anyway, let alone when I have breast cancer and have to have chemo.  It's the alcoholism.  We wake up with a fresh case of it everyday.  Isn't that fucking insane?  Then we have to take care of it.  Prayer, meditation, meetings, phone calls are you TIRED YET?  I have to say if I could do that for my cancer I would in a fucking second.  Well so today I was horrible.  I sat on my phone for a while, stayed grumpy, meditated again - had an idea for a show, cried some more, spoke to a friend, cried some more, ate some yummy food, got myself ready, did some of the breast surgery exercises and then walked for an hour.  Now I finally feel a little better and I am speaking at a meeting tonight.  Ugh it's exhausting.  I just need to keep my hand in God's hand.  It's so hard.  I cut myself off from my higher power all the time.  Can I stay plugged in.  CAN SHE STAY PLUGGED IN???  Why the fuck did that first doctor tell me even if I had some cancer it didn't mean I had cancer?  Whatever he didn't know then what took basically 2 months for them to figure out.  I'm in reality about my situation now.  I just need to get this shit off my chest that's all.  It's fucking sucks.  I am going to fight the good fight, take care of myself the best I can, ask for help and turn as much as I can to God.  but it fucking sucks okay?  It fucking sucks.  Alright anyway I'm going to eat a salad.  And a dick.  No just a salad.  MAYBE A DICK.  If I want to.  Oaky bye.

Saturday, October 7, 2017


I thought that sounded funny so I wrote it.  Aren't you glad I didn't say banana??  What?  Ugh.  So it was absolutely fucking GORGEOUS out today.  I went to my ladies meeting and I talked with women and I came home, had weird sex with my guy - good sex!  But weird because I am still terrified to shake myself around very much.  I spoke to my therapist.  I have somewhat of a plan trying to get the idea of chemo through my head.  A second opinion.  I don't know.  A woman after the meeting today said to just do it.  Anyway I went and ran a couple of errands, got some groceries, went for a walk and cooked a bunch of food.  I just wanted to enjoy this gorgeous day.  the chemo would be for 5 months.  Holy fucking shit.  What am I going to do for 5 months???  I don't know.  Okay the guy is doing the dishes from all the food I made and it's so loud.  I feel better today, less depressed.  Ugh I can't this is so annoying to me.  HOW CAN I BE ANNOYED AT HIM DOING DISHES???  I just can be that's all.  That's fucking all.  They are my feelings and I'm allowed to have them.  I'm more healed now also.  Not done AT ALL but I am better.  Ugh it's so crazy.  This is so fucking crazy.  I have to go he's driving me fucking nuts.  Byeeeeeee

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

It took a week....

for me to realize how intense my surgery was.  I thought I had a lumpectomy on each side - is that what I wrote?  I have no idea and I'm not sure why I feel the need to clarify whatever I might have written - who gives a fuck - BUT - it's so crazy what the mind does to make something alright in the moment.  I had to sign the form before surgery and she read me exactly what was there while I read it.  It said partial mastectomy with reconstruction.  In my head I was like "Okay that just means lumpectomy.  I can't remember what it said for the other side.  I just remember that.  I t took until yesterday - after a week of healing for me to realize how much more extensive the surgery was on the left side.  I mean the right side I can use fairly well - I can't job or do MUCH but it's okay.  The left side is swollen and it feels displaced and well as a constant level on pain.  So I did some research and realized what was done and more than that I just took in the reality of my situation.  Ugh does this make sense?  Do I sound like I'm full of shit?  How fucking TOTALLY INSANE IS IT THAT I AM WORRIED IF I'M BEING AUTHENTIC IN MY BREAST CANCER?  Are you fucking kidding me?  Jesus Christ.  Okay anyway.  The reconstruction looks kind of bizarre but I think it's still swollen but also - who cares?  There were 4 fucking tumors in me.  I'm so grateful she did the surgery!  This is the craziest  - I don't know - thing ever.  We had some sort of weird sex last night.  It was only weird because I just laid there and haha he tried not to move me at all.  When I came I was like trying to keep it to the lower part of my body - I was so scared it was going to hurt or like burst my incisions.  That probably falls under the "TMI" whatever it's called.  Folder?  Category?  Ugh who cares.  I'm definitely still tired but I am feeling more healed.  I'm going to the doctor today - I'm waiting for the guy to pick me up.  I really have to take this one day at a time.  I saw the kids yesterday and tutored them and that helped so much.  My brother and his wife came to visit too and took us to lunch.  It was exhausting but the love is so healing.  I also got to a meeting yesterday and that REALLY helped.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Radical Acceptance

Or just acceptance?  I just ate a little bowl of butternut squash soup that I made in the crock pot.  I toasted a couple pieces of Exotic Black Rice Bread and had those too.  It was delicious.  I read today's reading from a book called Journey To The Heart by Melody Beattie.  It talked about  being a healer by being who you are.  Something like that.  And about pine trees which made me think of my father.  Then it said at the end of the passage - wait let me actually read it so I can quote it correctly....."Open to your healing powers and you will cherish your past, all you have gone through and done."  That's awesome right?  It made me think of acceptance and how in order to cherish your past you have to accept it.  Then I realized that I need to accept this.  Actually I don't need to - I can do anything I want.  But this IS what is happening.  I have breast cancer and I need chemo.  I just want to accept this.  I had to surrender to my alcoholism right?  I have to surrender tot his too.  It doesn't matter why this is happening, all that matters is that it is.  This is what I have to deal with right now.  Holy shit - side note?  The little kids who scream all day moved out from next door yesterday!  I'm not kidding - 30 minutes later?  3 different one plus a fucking baby that they let cry ALL DAY ON THE PORCH moved in.  Haha what the serious fuck.  Right now one of them has literally - I'm not kidding - literally been screaming - a high pitched scream for 3 minutes straight.  Okay she stopped.  Oh boy.  I was so sad those kids moved out.  I guess I had a reason to be since these kids seem even MORE obnoxious!  Good lord.  Okay I am getting sleepy bye.

The Healing of Hugh Hefner and Caturday.

Hugh Hefner died and I have been using him as a healing angel.  I was meditating one day this eek - I mean was it yesterday? He just died on the 27th - okay so I don't remember but - oh maybe it was the next day.  Yes - or the day that he died?  ANYWAY I was meditating and I was in pain and I asked Hugh Hefner to help me and I felt a surge of healing energy come into me.  Surge is an exaggeration - a bunch of healing energy - a strong current of healing energy - that's it.  A current of healing energy and so now he is one of my healing angels.  I just realized he was all about the boobs so that seems perfect - or something - I don't know.  Maybe it was the medication.  I'm home on the couch.  I went to my ladies meeting this morning and celebrated my anniversary - it was great.  I really needed a meeting and I really needed to talk about the pills I was taking this week.  They made me so sick and I WANTED MORE.  I actually told myself while I was so nauseous and feeling terrible "That I just need to get past this part to get to the good part."  How fucking alcoholic is that?  Jesus.  Anyway.  My sister told me it's Caturday so she is going to send me cat videos to cheer me up.  I heard from the doctor yesterday.  It's not such great news - I need chemo.  So that's the next step.  She ended up taking out 4 tumors.  I have to say that I really was like wow - holy shit - this - I really fucking have breast cancer.  What the fuck.  I was so upset last night.  I was crying - my boyfriend was crying.  He's so upset to see me going through this.  It's got to be so stressful for him too.  They give coins at my ladies meetings for your anniversary right?  You pick them out of a bag.  My coin says "Change your attitude change your world."  I said oh that's a funny coin for me because I have a bad attitude.  And you know how I REALLY know that's true?  Because I was like "THIS COIN SUCKS."  Ha!  I was so annoyed I didn't get a more awesome coin.  SUCH AN ALCOHOLIC.  Someone offered to switch coins with me - how sweet is that?  I kept it though because honestly - that's what I must need to have.  Also it is everything, attitude.  My mother has a great attitude.  She has had a cataract in her eye for like 15 years that has never grown.  Maybe it's genetics but she is really someone who takes a punch and keeps going.  She has mad acceptance in her life.  A super strong connection to her higher power and an amazing attitude.  She's not in lala land either - she exists in reality.  I know I am not going to feel this way when I am sick from chemo but this is an opportunity.  It has to be.  I have no fucking idea what it is but it is an opportunity.  I would have thought I have changed so much.  I mean maybe but maybe not.  My thinking has really stayed the same all these years.  Much less crazy but still pretty negative.  Am I beating myself up?  Christ I hope not.  It's a though and an observation.  I have to say I am healing from the surgery and I feel a little better.  I mean it has to help to have that cancer out of me right?  Maybe I'm imagining it but I also feel a little clearer in my right frontal lobe when I meditate.  How fucking nuts is that?  I realized it the other day - like someone cleared something away in my brain or my mind.  It feels breezier.  Just - clearer.  Whatever.  I need to meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  Love you Bluebie bye.