Sunday, June 16, 2019

What to do when my boundaries have been crossed and I don't even realize it until I am enraged and then feel like I can't say anything....

HOW'S THAT FOR A TITLE?  Okay I feel better - I got to 2 meetings, did service and went to Alanon.  I jogged this morning and my guy and I went to a super fancy wedding yesterday and that was really fun - we had a good time.  I am going to make us a nice healthy dinner tonight and then I can go to bed at a decent hour.  So - so what is that super intriguing title about huh?  I will tell you...I have probably already told you but I will tell it to you again as if I never remembered saying it before.  I do believe this is something that has happened to me many, many times in my life but I just didn't even know it was part of what was happening.  First of all - my therapist helped me to recognize this and I don't know why I said first of all.  Let me break it down.

1.  Someone gets into my personal space and I feel super confused because I am so sensitive to energy - other people's energy - I'm an empathy and I have to be careful - I get short-circuited around people but okay yes - they don't know that so someone gets into my energy field and I feel confused.  My therapist helped me to learn that when I am confused I am actually angry - in part because my boundaries are being crossed.  The other part I am guessing is because close talkers in general are enraging.  I am making that part up.

2.  I don't realize my boundaries have been crossed.  The person continues to encroach on my space till I get really frittzed out and then I am a fucking bitch.  Which of course is upsetting because I feel terrible.  Enter more confusion, more anger, more - unmanageability. 

3. Everything breaks down - I can't understand what is going wrong with the communication with this person and I don't know how to make any of it better.

4.  It gets more and more difficult to say anything and I feel trapped and wrong.  I also don't feel like I can actually say anything because now at this point I can not figure out how to be nice - at all.

Well anyway so for example - I worked with that bonkers woman who kept touching me and touching me till I finally awkwardly said she had to stop.  She made me feel badly for even saying that.  Which now - years later I realize is of course a reflection of her.  However I said to the other woman I was working with that I asked (finally) for her to stop touching me and how awkward it was and she said "Oh yeah the first time she touched me I said don't do that - I'm not into that - not going to do that - stop touching me - I am not touchy feely like that."  EASY PEASY.  So now years later, in a completely different context,  I have finally realized someone has crossed my boundaries but it's my emotionally boundaries and it took me until today to realize the first time she did it I got confused which means I was angry. Then I kept letting it happen in part because I thought for some reason I didn't have a right to say something.  Well of course I do always and forever.  But wow is it so fucking confusing after the person is already there in my orbit and I think I owe them something but more than that I feel like I don't matter anymore.  I am guessing that there is some sort of protection thing that I am doing but GOD - it isn't working anymore.  Well so now I have given myself the permission to say something if it happens again and here's the most amazing COOL part that I finally realized today.  I CAN BE KIND.  I can take care of myself and be kind and let's face it - if you are someone who is so all over the place that you are crossing boundaries being messy and just not recognizing your own behavior - you probably won't like me saying please stop.  However the sooner I say it the easier it will be but I don't want to be hard on myself - the more important part is that when we stop people pleasing - PEOPLE STOP BEING PLEASED.  But also I am my responsibility.  I am not a victim.  So okay here we go I learned a lesson and this person was my teacher.  SO THANK YOU SO MUCH!  Haha - no seriously - it's okay and all good.  I trust.  I learn.  Byeeeeee.

Friday, June 14, 2019

Taking a minute to try to breathe....

Wow that is a dramatic title.  I am overwhelmed and of course I haven't been to enough meetings.  It didn't occur to me until this morning after I meditated that when it gets rough I don't need LESS meetings and program - I need more.  I am so uncomfortable.  My aunt passed away and I had to go to my mom's hometown and I only got to one meeting there and I was around a ton of drinking.  I let my alanon sponsor go and I haven't been there for 2 weeks or wow it's almost 3 actually.  I also am in this play that is so challenging.  It is hard work - seriously and it needs the hard work but holy fuck - WOW.  Also they are all crazy makers - well not the writer but - ugh listen I know I'm a crazy maker too - but not if I go to my meetings and take care of myself.  That's the crazy thing - how it really is the easier softer way.  But God it's so much work and I just couldn't figure out how to do it with the crazy week I had of shows, rehearsals and everything else - travel and a huge family.  But I have heard people say that for years...."I couldn't go to meetings because I am too busy...family...whatever..." then they are bonkers and right now I am bonkers.  I have therapy today and then my meeting tonight.  I was a bitch at rehearsal yesterday.  The other actress doesn't know her lines but also I don't know mine perfectly.  I was annoyed about the train going by and it was early in the morning and I didn't have time to meditate.  I was just MAD.  When I don't go to my meetings and have time to take care of myself I get this awful, dry, angry, uncomfortable feeling that nothing can make feel better.  It's how I felt for 3 years in my early sobriety.  God it's a horrible feeling.  Like an itch I can't scratch.  I am also heartbroken about my aunt.  God she was a wonderful person and it happened so quickly.  It's almost the anniversary of my dad dying and it was his birthday last weekend.  I'm also just sad but honestly it's the being dry thing.  How the fuck am I going to do this?  I mean be busy and still have a program?  Good question I guess. I managed to get to one meeting - I could have gotten to 2.  Or 3 even.  I'm not sure how I could have gotten to one yesterday but I suppose I really could have.  I could have gone to a meeting and changed the podcast to another time.  I felt better today after I meditated - I really did.  Now it feels like I am just beating myself up and that's not helpful.  Okay I need to get ready now to go to therapy.  I am just a little raw and overstimulated plus on edge and grieving.  I am still recovering also from cancer treatment.  I do feel so much better but I am not 100% yet.  Also I am allowed to have my feelings.  I am allowed to be annoyed and upset that people are selfish and - I don't know - imperfect.  Okay I have to go.  I wanted this to be more uplifting haha or at least slightly positive.  I will feel better tomorrow an dI will write more then.  I have been doing good work though and that is such a gift and I am doing tons of what I love.  Namaste motherfuckers Namaste.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Breakfast.

This is what I had for breakfast......first I ate a banana.  Then after I meditated I had celery juice.  Then I waited 20 minutes, wrote in my journal and ate puffed rice cereal with raspberries, blueberries and vanilla almond milk Without sugar.  AND I STILL FEEL LIKE A VICTIM.  What the fuck is that??  It is beautiful outside and I am in my home and doing what I love.  I do think I'm a little dehydrated but other than that - no reason to be bonkers and a victim except that I am supposed to be writing.  I am doing this talk next week and I haven't done it yet.  Not prepared, not ready, haven't written it.  I guess that I don't want to since I am not doing it.  I have rehearsal tonight so I am blaming that for the reason why I am not writing right now.  Yesterday I literally did EVERYTHING to avoid writing including exercising and doing the dishes.  I DID THE DISHES 3 TIMES.  That's how much I was avoiding it.  I don't even know why - I love it - but I guess for this I just feel completely unqualified.  It's all doctors on the panel except for well - 3 of us - 3 survivors who are telling our stories.  So okay.  Right.  How about I check them out - check everything out.  I did start doing research the other day so it's okay.  I am not supposed to sound or be a doctor.  It's just 10 minutes and my brother said he would look at it after I write it.  Ugh I feel like I am going to puke except honestly it's fine.  It's different for me and not my usual thing but I can do it.  Just DO IT.  I can do it.  I can do it.  I want to rest.  Well why don't I work on this and then rest.  There we go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 24, 2019

Bummer.

My friend got me an amazing audition - big casting director - awesome, awesome gig.  I did my best but I was not on my game yesterday - I was tired and hung-over emotionally from the show I had Wednesday and stressing out about it.  I was nervous and I haven't been to a lot of auditions - and even though I have been performing a shit ton it's a completely different muscle.  So.  So there you go.  Oh wait I didn't say what my point was.  I didn't do great.  I made them laugh but it threw me off.  Ha!  I did the job then got thrown off.  Anyway so I left feeling like eh that sucked - I blew it.  Then I sort of thought maybe I had a chance still but then I never heard anything today and it's a holiday weekend and if they wanted me for a callback I think they would have asked for me.  So that sucks.  I took care of myself and I am taking care of myself.  I'm getting new picture tomorrow and then we have a couple days off and that's glorious.  I'm so sad about this but this is how this business goes and it's okay - it's just uncomfortable.  I can be uncomfortable.  I really can.  I was hoping if I wrote about it I could move past it.  Here's the great news - I got that audition and they liked my stuff.  So that is fucking awesome.  Here's the other thing....I wasn't hung over or a mess.  Also who the fuck knows - maybe I was awesome and they didn't like my hair or my shoes.  Who knows.  I just want to enjoy my weekend and my life.  I have had a wonderful week and I am really feeling better.  It's so nice outside right now - it's beautiful Spring weather so it's all good.  I really need to make money so I was so so hoping this would get that started but I guess it's not yet.  So I am just letting go and turning it over to God.  It's so hard to do.  I just want right now to be working.  I am I'm just not getting paid.  So.  So I'm not sure what the lesson is but I know to just let go.  I have to get in the shower!!  I have had this hair color in my hair for so long!!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Barf.

I am a tiny bit of a mess so I am writing to get myself as straight as possible.  To get it all out and get myself ready for this show tonight.  I have been super stressed about it because I always get stressed about these shows I produce and it's just become too much.  It feels so awful.  I am also hormonal form the instant menopause although I am finding relief in exercise - which I am going to do once I am done writing on here and getting my set ready.  It's okay - I don't feel nearly as sick as I felt this time last year and a couple years ago I felt even worse when I was hormonal.  Last year I was sick from the chemo and 2 years ago I was sick from cancer and hormones.  So okay - so I don't have that.  Wonderful!  Also I have an even stronger program and so much help.  I'm eating better too which also helps so much.  So okay.  Okay.  I don't know what to say - I'm upset.  I am trying to be positive but I have been producing this show for 3 years and it just isn't growing.  And I always get stressed about shows but this is like - SUPER stress and I - OH MY GOD.  Okay I am not going to spend my energy like this.  It's fine.  I am fine.  I am going to put my exercise clothes on and exercise and then get ready.  Bring water and tea and snacks.  I am going to look as nice as I can and do my best and jus that's it.  I guess the exercise clears my head too - that's what it does.  It's like it cleans out the negative thoughts.  So let's go do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.  PS the big show was GREAT!!

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Big Show

Bi show tonight.  I'm so fucking nervous.  I have also been applying for other babysitting gigs and it's - stressing me out.  So far 2 women have been super aggressive with me and then seemingly dropped the ball.  Which is weird and I am worried that they watched my comedy and then they were like not thanks.  Oh my God - I just thought - what if they didn't think I was funny and then dropped the ball?  Gross.  Anyway it doesn't matter - I am going to find something and it's going to be great - meanwhile I have this show to focus on.  Also - people are flaky - I am really going to be super kind to myself and say that this has nothing to do with me.  Right - how can it?  I have never even met these people in real life!  So it's all good.  Meanwhile I am so fucking nervous.....In fact I should probably just go and get ready.  My hair takes forever to dry.  It's growing like a weed.  I just got so sleepy.  Deep calm breaths.  Holy shit I could fall asleep.  Which means either I am tired or I am forgetting something.  Whoa.  Gotta go.  Will let you know how tonight goes!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.!

Monday, May 13, 2019

Brrrrrrr....

It's freezing!  I mean it' really cold.  Luckily because the chemo made me go instantly into menopause - I run much warmer now and so I am not as sensitive to the cold.  Life is strange.  So I still have a lot going on and I am trying to calm down so I thought I would write on here real quick.

I have a big show this week and I am excited and nervous.  So I am working on that and I need/want to work on that right now but as I said above I am trying to calm down because I am getting over-stimulated.  We had a lovely weekend - so so nice - even though my Mom got drunk and that was upsetting...BUT - you have never seen a more lady-like drunk.  ANYWAY.  I already spoke to my alanon sponsor this morning and I really need to stay focused right now so I am not going to get into it.  Oooo - I just got hungry.  Anyway.....I am okay.  Right now today.  Yesterday I went for a jog with my guy and then he kept jogging while I walked back to the house and I was thinking about healing.  Thinking about how intelligent our bodies are and how they want to heal.  I thought about giving my body healing messages and loving thoughts so it can do it's job of healing.  My hair is changing - from super tight curls to the top of it straightening out again - which is how my hair was before.  There is something called Chemo Curls that happens - where your hair grows back in curly and mine certainly did.  But it's changing - which means the chemo is leaving my body and even though that is wonderful it is also scary because then my body is on it's own.  But I want to and am going to, trust my body that it can take care of itself.  Especially if I give it loving thoughts, restful sleep and healthy food and supplements.  And breathe.  I am going to breathe and enjoy my life and love and take care of myself.  And for some reason writing helps me to do that.  I just wrote in my journal before this and before I started to write I was spinning and getting really over-stimulated and just uncomfortable and crazy.  Now after writing on here and in my journal I feel so much better.  Much more calm and in my body.  Not quite centered but much more present.  Okay deep breath - I got this.  What a challenge.  What an unbelievable challenge I have been given.  To live.  My challenge is to live, live well and be well.  I am so tired and it's 10:42 am.  Ha!  Okay love you Bluebie bye.