Thursday, January 16, 2020

Peace of Mind

Oh boy I am tired and I am learning - I should say re-learning something I learned a long time ago - which is that I need to be around nature and I need a lot of space in order to have peace of mind.  I also need prayer & meditation, lots of water and exercise.  I need to write, laugh and read.  I also need to be around people but I can't be crammed in with people - I need my boundaries.  I knew all this a long time ago.  I guess that's why it's called recovery - fucking DUH - we recover what we had a long time ago - or a short while ago - I don't know.  God it's so crazy.  Okay well anyway I am relearning this and for some reason the peace of mind part, the healing my inner life - is the part that has taken the longest for me to get to.  Which is so crazy because I am ALL ABOUT the inside.  Do you know I took a trip once (probably wrote about this before but doing it again) with a woman who was going blind.....she could see a little - enough to be able to grab the ketchup off the table but she was blind enough to need a seeing eye dog and when she was alone in the cabin we were in she was very nervous.  Anyway at a certain point I realized that the way she moved around, the way she was interpreting the space around her, the way she was literally moving through space and keeping her physical body safe was the same way I did these things.  I was like what the fuck is going on?  I can see?  I was so confused but then I realized it's because I am sensitive and I have all these things....the damage that has been done when I was little....the alcoholism in my family....the chaos that I experienced and the WATCHING FOR IT.  But also I have a gift of empathy, I am an empath and I can feel what other people are feeling.  So I have to be careful because I can absorb that energy and make it my own - which isn't healthy.  So there is a lot going on and my point is that I see without my eyes a lot because I am a feeler.  I feel my way through life.  So if I am someone who feels my way through life you can bet I need to recharge A LOT and that's not going to happen around a lot of chaos.  So these things that made me who I am (damage, chaos, abuse, love, fear blah blah) also created magical things in me.  Isn't that wild?  It's how alcoholism has now given me the tools for a wonderful life.  Go fucking figure right?  Self-care and peace of mind.  I am really going to aim for the peace of mind now.  I didn't go to therapy today because I would have had to super stress out to go and I really needed to take care of myself, cook a healthy meal and get my head together.  It's just always such a balancing act.  What is the best move to make to stay healthy and whole?  Become healthy and whole?  To be in the day, enjoy it and be part of it?  To be part of life again?  Amazing.  I am amazed.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Learning.

Do you watch Shameless?  We love that show - it's SO FUNNY.  If you are a person that comes from any kind of dysfunctional home I feel like you can relate to that show.  Or not - I don't know but we love it and watch it all the time.  The last episode we watched Frank is in trouble with this woman and she's mad at him for something he did 25 years before but he can't remember what it is so he says to her "That sounds like a you problem."  And it was fucking hilarious.  I really laughed and I just laughed right now while I was typing it out.  I need to be more like Frank!  I mean really that is what I am learning in alanon.....it's often a you problem.  Frank is an alcoholic disaster so he wasn't saying it from a healthy place but I want to....I want to be separate from other people and their stuff or rather I want to detach.  So I can enjoy being around other people!  Anyway I had this crazy realization after I saw a project I worked on and got triggered.  I got upset about how "someone treated me"  which is ridiculous and I couldn't resolve in myself what was happening after I saw this person again.  I kept asking myself what I could have done to make this person be upset with me and so cunty.  Then I realized this amazing thing that I have probably written about before but it became so so clear to me........

She acted like a cunt because she was acting like a cunt.  It didn't have anything to do with me.  That was her and her behavior.  HER STUFF.  If I am acting like a cunt it's because of me and my stuff - my character.  Yeah - so - mind blown.  Actually more like - mind shifted.  SHIFT.  OH.  Yes we effect each other and blah blah but I didn't do anything - I know I didn't.  What?  I ate some cheese so she started to treat me like a cunt because 2 days before I said I try not to eat cheese???  Good fucking LORD - I would sincerely hope that I am not that powerful with my food choices.  Ew - it sucks to be like this.  It has been so much untangling and just sorting out of crap in my own head.  Haha I am laughing about someone saying something like "I was acting like a cunt to you because you are a LIAR!!  You said you avoid dairy but you just ate a ham & cheese croissant from Dunkin Donuts!!  Now I am enraged and I HATE YOU - I can't even LOOK AT YOU.  I am going to give you dirty looks and laugh at you behind your back for 3 days now.  You disgust me."  I am laughing again.  This might be one of those posts that I go back and read a year from now and thin it really isn't that funny.  I have been that person.  That person who really thinks someone else made them behave badly somehow.  Lord I am so sleepy.  I need to go do some work - love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Monday, January 6, 2020

Sideways Anger & What Do I Deserve?

I am hungry right now but I attempting to intermittent fast a few times a week and this is one of the days.  Woooof it's challenging.  Anyway I read up on it and it's really amazing for your body and it uses up excess crap in your body for energy when you don't eat (fast).  Stuff like tumors etc.  I'm not saying it exactly right and I don't care - I am doing it.  I feel good when I do it.  Except at the moment because I am hungry.  Comes in waves.  ANYWAY.  Sideways anger.......memories....detaching from other people and realizing what I deserve, which is kindness.

MY sponsor said that my repressed memories are/were part of why I was so angry.  That being manipulated, lied to and what's that word?  Fuck.  Deceived.  She says it creates anger and it often comes out sideways since we aren't often even aware of what caused it.  Gross.  So okay.  I am taking really good care of myself and I am working through this slowly.  Thank God I was already sober and in therapy.  And in alanon!  I have plenty of places to work this out and tools to deal with the really ew feelings.  God I'm hungry.  This whole thing has made me realize many things one of them being one I accept unkind behavior from people....and the other is why when a certain type of woman comes into my orbit - then somehow says I am wrong in some way - why that is SO cutting to me.  So hurtful - so - BIG.  This has happened with women I know well and women I don't know at all.  It is as they say in the program hysterical because it's historical.  EW & GROSS.  This is why people don't do this work or look at this shit it's excruciating.  Or you know I should say this is why I never did the work until I was almost dying - it's so very difficult.  OKAY SO..........so what I don't know.  That's where I am.  Surfaced repressed memories and a piece of the puzzle has been put in place that feels like a hideous piece but is actually giving me a lot of information and ultimately power.   And you know I just had this thought - it will help me to be kinder to other people also.  Because hopefully as I learn to see this type of person coming I can detach more quickly.  Before I rope myself into some sort of people pleasing and trying to fix some feeling from 40+ years ago.  That's a lot to ask of someone you met at a coffee shop!  Or even a friend!!  God - it's all about taking care of myself.  Uncomfortable.  Accepting responsibility for myself is uncomfortable.  Taking back true power is uncomfortable.  Realizing my part is uncomfortable.  Being lightened is even uncomfortable.  But it is what I am interested in.  My friend had an aneurysm yesterday.  She is in a medically induced coma.  She has struggled taking care of herself in similar ways to me.  Life is so short and precious.  I have ben given a second chance and if wading through this is what I need to do to be free then I accept the challenge.  Time to breathe and do my celery juice and then EAT.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PS - I deserve to be happy.

Saturday, January 4, 2020

TGIS

Thank God it's Saturday right?  I'm so tired.  But I'm okay and better than I was last night.  I went out with some girlfriends and one of them was not liking me and instead of stearing clear of her I just kept getting in there, trying to people please and GET HER TO LOVE me the way I wanted her too.  It did not happen and once again I couldn't sleep last night.  Ugh!  However I did go to alanon and stayed for the business meeting and then went and did step-work with a sponsee and that really helped.  So then I ran a quick errand and came home and took care of myself.  I'm drinking a nice tea and organizing myself.  I have some real issues with being entwined with other people emotionally even when THEY ARENT THERE.  What the fuck?  Well anyway it's okay and I really do see it's my stuff but holy fuck it's exhausting.  I deserve to sleep.  My guy says these people bother me because I don't feel good about myself so when someone looks at me like I'm a piece of shit or says something cunty to me I think to myself "SEE I KNEW IT!  THEY KNOW!  THEY KNOW THE TRUTH - THAT CUNT BAG RIGHT THERE KNOWS IM AWFUL!!!  SHES SEES THE REAL MEEEEEEEE!"  Okay yeah that's healthy.  That's realistic.  THATS HORRIBLE.  I'm not saying the woman last night was a cunt bag - she wasn't.  She just wasn't liking me for some reason and that was that.  IT HAPPENS.  It's not fun but Jesus - it's okay!  Who cares!  I don't like people sometimes and sometimes I can't talk to people because they smell!  That's it!  This seems so stupid right now it really does.  I'm going to meditate for a few mins.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, January 1, 2020

And it's finally here....

a new decade!  Wow!  What a fucking decade it has been.  10 years ago almost I started to write this blog and I was a mess.  Then I got angry and busy but stayed sober and became less of a mess.  Then I met a great guy, moved and my father died.  Then I finally got back into show business and got cancer.  Now I am alive and feel better and I am way, way way less angry.  Also I finally got 10 years sober which I guess changes a lot of things.  A big shift happens.  So here we are - a whole new start to a whole new year and decade.  Crazy!  Exciting!  I am excited.  We went to a nice party last night and today we got up and meditated together and went outside and jogged.  I did some writing and we are going to have sex and then have dinner.  I have been able to cook a lot lately which you know I love and find absolutely glorious.  I am going to try to relax and enjoy this year.  Be even more grateful.  Continue to say "Bless them - change me."  Keep meditating, writing and doing what I love.  Also be patient.  Holy fuck does time go slow when you are waiting for things to grow.  I did a good job in 2019 despite having to learn some really hard lessons.  Number 1 lesson I learned?  No matter what I am doing and no matter where I am - GO TO MEETINGS.  It  just makes everything easier.  Softer - BETTER.  Jesus.  Yeah so.  What else?  OH VERY IMPORTANT - second thing I learned....WHEN I DONT EAT SUGAR MY SKIN LOOKS AMAZING.  What a mind fuck right?  SO ANNOYING.  Anyway hope you had a great 2019 and hope you have a wonderful new year!  Love you Bluebie!! ps #3 thing is that I need alanon and must, must, must, continue to work on that program.  (So hot I know)

Monday, December 30, 2019

As Is

My sponsor had been saying for years that when she deals with difficult people she pictures a sticky note on their forehead that says "As Is."  Do you know I have never understood what the fuck shes talking about?  Seriously.  I was like what the entire fuck does that mean?  That's how codependent I am - I can't even acknowledge someone is difficult long enough to accept it by just saying they are AS IS.  Well anyway there is a happy ending because I finally get it.  And I get people are difficult and I get that it doesn't have to do with me.  Anyway who cares - I don't even want to get into a big thing about it the point is that it's great fucking tool to have!  AS IS on your forehead motherfucker.  Although she is saying it in a nice way - I am being cunty about it although I don't know why.  I am going to guess most people would love to have someone accept them as is.  I turned up the heat too high and now I am roasting all of a sudden. 

UGH - I am so tired.  I have to go to a meeting.  BYE.

Monday, December 23, 2019

Blueberries for Breakfast and A huge Ego for Lunch

There it is.  The whole dumb thing that I have never been able to figure out...the fucking ego.  When I was drinking it  thought it had control or I don't know what over the drugs and booze and it did not.  Then it was men.  I just was like "I don't care if this fucker isn't interested - he will be - he's gonna change."  That clearly never worked.  Now I realized I do it with friends but then and this is the real kick in the cunt...I have done it with sponsees.  Thinking "Oh they will change....oh if I sit here and listen even though its flipping me out and I am so uncomfortable and it is hurting my body - they will change if I help them."  That my dear friends is a fucking ego.  And I had no fucking clue.  I can't help anyone - ever.  WHO FUCKING KNEW??  I have probably even written it before but it has never been as clear to me as it is now.

I have an alcoholic ego.

I have an alanonic ego.

And they want to kill me.

That sucks!

I have no idea why but it's true and I can so feel it in my body now.  I can never help anyone or change them and I can definitely NOT HELP THEM by hurting myself.  No clue - I had no clue.  It's just like when I realized if men want to be with you - they show up.  That's it!  I just so clearly see that if someone wants to change they have to do it, they have to do the work.  THAT'S IT.  And either they want to do what I do or they don't.  And let's face it - most people will not want to do what I do because I do a lot and it's so fucking uncomfortable working through those layers of shit.  Painful.  Hurts.  Meanwhile the disease is saying "You don't have to do all this shit - why don't you go to the mall and get yourself and sweater?  5 sweaters?  And some pants and a watch?"  Then as far as helping people my dumb ego is saying "JUST PUSH THROUGH FORCE FORCE FORCE YOUR SOLUTION!!  THEN THEY WILL FEEL BETTER AND then you will feel better."  Ew.

This morning when I was meditating that thought came to me - how I just want other people to feel better so I can finally exhale and feel good.  Then I realized that meditation is the answer.  Something shifted in me and I felt the power heal or I don't know what - I felt centered and better.  It was brief but I realized that that's the only control I have is over my own damn self.  My own damn feelings.  My own energy, my own inner source.  And meditation is where I work on that.  Get that.  Fuck.  Who knew?  I really didn't know.  I didn't know there was an alanonic ego too.  I never understood what that feeling was when I wanted to get in their with somebody and "tell them how it goes."  EWWWW.  I am so annoyed I was like that.  But also I didn't know and I don't care because this last sponsee was also ASKING for the help so I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

But this has to go - this toxic stuff with other people.  The anger that comes from trying to help and them telling me to go fuck myself.  Or whatever.  The anger.  IT's not good for my body and it's come back in the last 6 months and it feeds cancer - I know it does and I can't afford it.  I can't go through treatment again and I can't go through more surgery.  Not like that anyway I just can't.  So this woman really was my teacher.  Thank you.  I GUESS.  Haha just kidding.  Love you Bluebie bye.