Monday, July 18, 2016

Follow My Heart.....

I forgot about that.  It just came to me this morning while I wa praying - to follow my heart.  What else is there?  I mean these last couple of years I have been loving my acting class - of course and doing some comedy and loving it sometimes but as far as following my heart - not so much.  I don't know any other way to go at this point.  I'm not sure what is going to happen but when I think "Follow your heart" to myself - I feel okay.  Haha I wrote that and then I was like COME ON cheeseball good LORD.  But it feels RIGHT.  It's 3 weeks today since my father died and now everything has changed.  I just cant keep pushing myself in that same direction of working and pushing to go to a show, being exhausted, going to an audition - sometimes and feeling sick because I can't go on all the other ones.  Pushing to go to class but never being able to actually DO the craft.  Well anyway my guy wants me to be happy.  So that is what is happening as I go into the second half of my life.  Anyway I have pms and I'm grieving but I'm also excited to get to work on this full time.  It will be so fun!  I hope!!  A CHALLENGE.  And it will be following my heart.  Somehow I am going to have to keep remembering that.  Follow my heart.  It makes everything easier somehow.  Saying yes, saying no......Follow my heart.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, July 11, 2016

My father is still dead......

Yeah.  Hasn't changed.  I went back to work yesterday and it was awful.  Im over that job once again.  My guy wants me to go full-time actress.  Full-time creative.  How amazing is that?  So of course - once again - I am convinced he is trying to kill me.  How is this guy so wonderful?  Im scared as fuck.  Im mostly afraid that I am going to ACT like I am ACTING but what Im really doing is FUCKING AROUND and going to the beach.  Seriously.  Im so terrified.  I feel so full of shit and not talented.  Not all the time just around being a professional.  Why don't I have any of that I AM AWESOME - I AM KICK-ASS - I AM THE LIGHT THE WORLD NEEDS???  I have it a little but only - only once every 10 years or something incredibly not helpful like that.  Good lord.  All my shit is coming up too.  How can it not?  My father died.  And he just - DIED.  No warning - no nothing - just - gone.  Jesus Christ.  I think Im at the anger stage of grief.  It just seems rude.  Ugh I can't even let myself feel angry - I'm feeling guilty for feeling angry.  CHRIST.  The grief is so painful so Im turning to - looking at things online I shouldn't - or - or thinking about how hurt I am that my acting teacher hasn't reached out to me about my father.  That he didn't write to me to say - I'm so sorry - he was so good looking and wow - you must be in so much pain.  WHAT???  If he wrote that to me I would be like what the fuck weirdo??  Maybe.  It's just such a good distraction.  Because when I'm present - my body hurts.  My stomach hurts.  My heart - HURTS.  It's so heavy.  Now I feel like I am trying to be in pain.  It really is waves.  Sometimes I feel like am past it and that - wow - I feel better.  Then all of a sudden - I'm deep in grief.  Oh for fuck's sake.  Shut up.  It's just so uncomfortable.  I started to get a little numb over the weekend and honestly - I liked it.  Then I went to work yesterday and it was awful.  People are awful.  They are so fucking needy at that restaurant and just - THEY MAKE NO SENSE.  One man was like "Okay - I will have the fried chicken and waffles."  Right?  Then he was like (in a fucking TIZZY all of a sudden) as he hands me his place setting and napkin "And can you get me a new place setting???  I had to clean my seat so, so, so, soooo I need a new place setting?!?!?  Okay??"  Then he shoves his stuff at me even though I have menus and everything else in my hands.  He also was showing me his napkin with something on it - I guess for proof of why he was freaking out all of a sudden - even though the whole time I took their order - he was FINE.  Okay but that's not even my point.  My point is - he was freaking out about some DIRT - on his NAPKIN - like it was LEFT there after someone wiped THEIR ass with it - right?  Only he OREDERED FRIED CHICKEN AND WAFFLES.  Okay you are about to eat SHIT right now but you are flipping the fuck out about some dirt on your napkin??  Okay - so yeah - I guess I'm angry.  I just don't know what's going to happen.  I have been home though today and I loved it.  I went to a meeting and the park.  Also a beautiful grocery store and - and what else?  I ran an errand for my love.  I just re-read what I wrote and I sound crazy. HA!  Good.  BYE.

Friday, July 8, 2016

Falling Apart.

I think I'm falling apart.  I haven't taken a shower since Sunday - I think - you know it might have been Saturday - I can't even remember.  It hurts me emotionally to take a shower for some reason.  I'm slowing down so much.  It's like I'm slipping away into retirement.  It's just grief.  It's just grief and it's hard for me to be gentle with myself.  Maybe I will feel better if I take a shower and then I will feel guilty about that.  Good Lord.  I almost feel like I'm on drugs.  Okay - I am going to take a shower.  A long, hot shower and wash my hair.  Gross.  Barf. Blech.  Or maybe I will just lay here.  Maybe I will just lay here and watch 20 episodes of Friends.  Watch 20 episodes of Friends and feel sick.  Feel sick and eat an entire box of weight watchers ice cream cones.  They are little tiny ice cream cones - they look like they are for little tiny people.  Gross.  Anyway I ate 3 of them yesterday.  Well.  So this is right now.  Sad and painful and I'm having trouble doing much.  I'm going to take a shower.  I will check back in later.  Bye.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Cleaning.....

Now I'm just going ot keep writing on here - like the old days when I had time to.  I'm cleaning out my clothes - changing Winter to Summer.  I'm obviously very late to the game since it is way Summer but I'm finally doing it.  My guy had suggested I get rid of some things when I changed things over and I thought he was out of his mind.  I said "You know for a woman I really don't have THAT many clothes."  And he said "Right but you still aren't using them all and maybe someone else could use them."  So I ignored him.  Now I'm moving things around and my life has changed and I don't have a job I dress up for anymore so I'm not using those clothes - right?  But ALSO - this is the painful part - I have clothes from 12 years ago, 14 years ago - A LIFETIME AGO that I am NOT WEARING AND IT HURTS TO LOOK AT THEM.  I mean - I had to stop moving stuff around.  I had to sit down.  Why am I keeping these things?  It's so painful.  This is how people become hoarders - it's so fucking hard to pass through the feelings of things.  Maybe I should just be laying down - I mean good lord.  Should I go to Starbuck's?  My poor guy has been working all day and I made myself eggs and didn't even do the dishes and now the bedroom is a pile of unused clothes that I can't touch or look at.  NOW WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I am having a huge identity crisis at this moment.  These clothes represent me trying to be an actress - no - me being and actress and a comedian....when I was already at a bottom.  Ugh it makes me sick because I did do some good work then.  Some great projects.  Am I being hard on myself?  Is that what's happening?  Oh.  Okay I have choices.  I don't need to get rid of anything - choice 1.  I can put it all over there somewhere and look at it and touch it later - choice 2.  I can just lay here and watch Netflix - choice 3.  I can make myself a cup of coffee and turn the air on - choice 4.  I can do a little bit more, and watch Netflix and make coffee - AND - AND - if it's so painful - keep all the shit for another 14 years and keep unfolding and folding it again and moving it from Winter to Summer.  I can NOT deal with the World right now so this is what I'm doing...that's it.  That and praying for love to win.

Grief.

I'm home and on the couch.  I didn't go to work this week - I haven't been to work since 2 Sundays ago.  Im so tired and lethargic.  I went to a meeting last night - it was weird.  I went to one today and it was weirder.  Then I went to this beautiful grocery store and bought some over-priced groceries and felt a little better.  I have really just been sitting on the couch reading articles and chatting online.  Im pretty useless but its okay.  I took a nap and I paid one bill.  I have some things to do around the house but it's 90 degrees and Im hot.  Maybe I should make myself some lunch.  Dinner?  Dinner I guess.  Grief is draining.  Im just drained.  I wrote in my journal and then I couldn't wait to come on here and write since I have the time - and now I feel like I have nothing to say.  This year has been so much change.  I moved, changed jobs twice, started to drive again and into the city, changed sponsors twice - what else?  I changed my class.....That suddenly doesn't seem like that much but add my father dying to it and that's a huge change.  Life changing.  It's okay though.  I mean I'm a little shut down right now but it's okay.  I miss my father but he had a beautiful send off.  Everything was beautiful and loving.  So crazy - I still can't believe it.  Yesterday was my birthday - our birthday - it's my guy's birthday too and that was hard.  Really hard.  My mother never called me but honestly I didn't even realize she didn't until today.  I'm not even a tiny bit upset - I can't even imagine what she's going through.  55 years they were married and she had to bury him on their anniversary.  I'm not feeling very good about just leaving hi in the ground like that in a box.  What a fucking bizarre tradition.  It gives us someplace to go I guess to visit him.....ugh I am so wildly uncomfortable.  I'm exhausted and I want to run away at the same time.  Im still so grateful I'm sober.  Of that I am sure.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, June 30, 2016

My Father Died.

Well that's dramatic but true.  I'm on their farm- it's 6:41 am - I've been up since 4:30.  Every night I wake up - I can't sleep.  He just passed away in his sleep Sunday night - no warning - no drama - no falling down - just went to sleep and that was that.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much.  30 baby chicks came in the mail yesterday - I went and picked them up from the post office.  When they brought them out from the back I could hear them chirping and I started crying.  He just wanted to be a farmer and he was.  That's it.  I just went and checked on the chicks and let the other chickens out - let the dogs out - made coffee.  Everyone is still sleeping.  I can fall asleep at night, I just can't stay asleep.  I wake up and remember and that's that.  My poor mother - she found him.  She thought he was just sleeping.  Peacefully sleeping.  Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary.  I'm just so sad.  I have tried to prepare myself for this but - well how can you?  How could I?  I'm just glad he didn't suffer.  My brother said he was so nice the day before - excited about his birthday party coming up and just really being so wonderful.  Ugh.  It's so beautiful here right now too.  It's so green and lush - birds everywhere and fire flies at night.  He died the same month he was born.  He died happy - can you imagine?  So naturally just like he wanted to. He didn't take medications - haha - which maybe he should have and he would have lasted longer.  I can sleep some other time I guess.  I'm so glad I'm sober - I'm so grateful.  This would be so hard drinking and it would have been so hard if I hadn't worked so hard to have a loving, healed relationship with him.  I certainly haven't accomplished much in my life but in my heart I am so proud that I loved my parents.  He knew I loved him and he loved me.  And honestly I'm not sure what else matters.  I mean besides  everything but I am so grateful I was able to at least clean that up.  Dear God.  So now everything is going to change.  But it always changes.  I'm lucky I got as much time as I did.  He had a hard life in many ways and yet he still had a lot of loving, soft parts.  And he was funny!  And gorgeous - holy cow - looking at all the pictures of him - his early Navy days, my parents wedding - he looks like a movie star.  Does everyone say that about their parents I don't know?  Anyway I'm crying and I'm not sure where/why/what is going to happen.  He just wanted me to be happy.  I mean - I just don't know what else I could ask for.  Paying off my student loans maybe?  That would have been nice.  These next couple of days are going to be so hard.  Today is the wake - tomorrow is the funeral.  I just want to see him - I haven't been able to see him yet - I mean no one has.  Ugh - life is so tender.  He loved my guy.  He loved my guy and wow - one thing about my father was if he didn't like you - he did not mess around.  you were either in - or out.  And when he didn't like a boyfriend - he knew it.  I guess he would be semi-polite but not really.  But he loved my guy.  Really spent time with him and bossed him around a ton - which meant he REALLY liked you.  Good lord.  This coffee I made is disgusting.  Haha - every morning.  Is it their coffee maker or me?  He had some specific formula for  grinding the coffee and the water and honestly - he probably took that secret with him.  I found out he had a Master's Degree.  That's why I was born in California my brother said - because he was getting his Master's.  I NEVER knew that.  I just want to live with heart.  Can I do that?  Be happy, live with heart and let myself free?  I'm not sure but it's the road I'm taking - at least for today.  Those baby chicks are crazy adorable.....I keep just walking around the farm and taking it in.  He always said it was so great I had this place to come to - from the city.  Oh love.  Oh life.  Oh love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Real quick.

The computer needs to restart so I am going ot write really quickly.  As opposed to the lengthy times I have been giving in the recent past.  GOOD LORD - still crazy busy but it's my last week of class till September.  I'm burnt the fuck out and I need to get my life together her in my new home still and get my acting/comedy life together too.  I'm good with the decision - I need a little bit of a break.  I'm still going to be doing stuff anyway - I just won't be in class.  Okay so - so what else?  I don't know - I had the time to write today and I was so excited and now I feel like I don't have much to say.  Still super busy with work, shows, doing different things, meetings - the guy.  We went tot the beach this weekend and it was glorious.  I got sunburned for 8th million time in my life but not too bad.  I put on sunscreen but not till I got there - too much wind I think.  I'm okay today - I'm about to meditate.  I have class today and then I'm going to go to a meeting.  HA - I really don't have too much to say!  When does that ever happen?  Okay time to meditate/masturbate.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.