Thursday, August 21, 2014
WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL. We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time. I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food. Sounds great right? We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???). We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird). Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better. Today I feel better again. Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in. Actually I can look for another job. I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening. I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know. Everything happens for a reason right? Barf. Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!! Bye.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday. I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it. So - here they are. 1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you. Pretty simple right? How could I have never heard that? Did I already write abou this? Is anyone listening? I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it. BARF. My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss. I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha. Bye.
Monday, August 4, 2014
I woke up kind of depressed and then it really hasn't gotten much better but also it hasn't gotten worse. I don't know if it's the 5 years thing - supposedly reaching 5 years of sobriety is a tough one - or if it's - what? I have no idea. I miss my dog - I miss my acting class - oh my God - ugh. What else? I just feel lost - I don't know what I'm dong or where I'm going. Well I know I'm going on vacation on Saturday and for that I am so grateful and super excited. I just physically feel so fucking sad. Well I felt like this this morning and I went for a walk and got a piece of pizza and I felt SO much better. I think I'm going to go get a tea. And some chocolate. I have a wicked pimple on my forehead. Bye.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I'm home - it's 11:28 p.m. on a Sunday and I just toasted some walnuts with honey and cinnamon for my yogurt and I also toasted some pepitas (pumpkin seeds) for I don't know what. I want to make some sort of snack for myself with them. I just washed my face and I have on pajamas. I had a really nice day - I woke up after a nice long sleep at the guy's house and I made us breakfast and I talked to my alanon sponsor. We hung out (you know - hung OUT - what?) and then I came back to the city, went to an alanon meeting and went to an aa meeting. I went to Whole Foods and bought apples and cashews and came home. Oh I got some yummy brown rice shrimp rolls from there too. I didn't get booked for any comedy this week and I was going to go on an audition but it was cancelled. Ugh - so. So I'm just here living in my life. Which is wonderful right? I just wish I was making more money and - well - I don't know - performing more - but I guess I'm not meant to be right now. SO that's okay. I'm just trying to take care of myself and be a loving, kind person. Which works as long as I don't sit next to someone eating on the subway. I can NOT help it - when someone is eating next to me - I will stare at them till they stop. WHICH NEVER HAPPENS. They never stop and most of the time they don't care that I'm staring. God help me if I could just stop doing that I would think I could do anything. Love you Bluebie - bye :)
Saturday, August 2, 2014
I am basically freaking out - holy fuck. I am suddenly thinking that it is so fucking crazy that I am going across country with this man. I don't know - or I am just scared to travel or scared to move forward or just scared. I am at the store - I was so fucking late today - there were no trains - I had to take the bus then get on the train and then I was so lost in my book that I went 5 stops past my stop. What even is that??? I had to take the bus downtown to the local train - which I think went express to the uptown local - to the crosstown bus. WHAAAATTTT??? Oh my God - and now I'm here and I was an hour late - which is probably a miracle considering how I had to get here. They asked me to waitress tonight someplace and I already have plans to go see my guy so I can't but I was so tempted to say yes - or to say I would do it in the future. I didn't though. I can't believe how hard it is to even get away from the mindset of it. Oh boy. Also - what am I doing with my life? I'm really suddenly very lost and confused. I mean that's what people think of me as - as a waitress. He's not asking me to do comedy - he's asking me to waitress. Ugh - and I could do it and I would be good at it. I don't know that about comedy. OR DO I??? Oh Dear LORD. Also I just feel - lonely? Okay - some lady just came in and was so annoying I wanted to kill her. I really need to do something but what? Gotta go love you Bluebie bye.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Went to another skin doctor today - turns out the drunk one was right. Well there you go on that one. Got a mani/pedi, went to a meeting - saw my sponsee, went and dropped off my resume at a couple of stores, looked at some other stores, bought a used t-shirt, went to therapy, bought some make-up from Rite-Aid - finally came home. One thing that is different now that I'm sober and being more conscientious is that I use all of stuff. I ate the whole entire jar of blueberry jam I bought. I usually eat some and eventually it goes bad. I used ALL of the face powder I bought this time. I actually usually use all of my make-up. But I'm so much better with food - eating it all and not wasting it. How have I not written her since Tuesday?? I trained another girl a the store on Wednesday and Thursday was busy. I also have started - well - 2 other blogs now but it will just be one. I'm so freaked out that we are going to California together for 9 days. Holy shit how scary is that??? Oh my GOD. Okay - well - fuuuuck. I'm also super fucking excited. Gotta fix my hair love you Bluebie bye.