Saturday, December 9, 2017

It's Saturday and I'm still bald.

I look craaaaazy.  Well yeah no I look crazy.  Wearing the wigs is so uncomfortable so I keep taking the wig off when I get in the car and last night I thought a guy was checking me out and then I realized he was just staring at me because I'm bald.  Checking me out in a different way!  Ah who cares.  Anyway I'm still bald.  Byeeeee.

Thursday, December 7, 2017

Home and Bald.

I'm home today.....I'm also super bald......there's a few scraps of hair - well patches really but I'm bald.  I had my shot yesterday which makes me sick today and tomorrow.  Makes me feel like I have the flu.  I woke up this morning, prayed & meditated, then spoke to my Alanon sponsor and then took a nap for 3 hours!  Is it a nap when you sleep for 3hours?  Holy shit it's a half a night's sleep!  For some people.  Anyway I am not feeling so great but I had toast and a banana.  I'm having some coffee.  I wish I had ice cream.  Yum.  I don't know - I am not even sure why I am writing right now - I guess I just wanted to do something.  I want to go back to sleep but that just seems crazy.  Ugh so this kind of sucks but at least I'm home right?  It's so hard to convince myself this is helping me.  I just have one more round of this super intense chemo - thank God.  I'm not sure how much more of this I can handle.  I'm achy all over and bent over like a 90 year old.  Maybe an 85 year old.  What?  Blech.  Maybe I should watch a movie.  That's what people do when they are home sick right?  God Lord this is riveting.  Okay anyway the good news is I am home and in pj's under a cozy blanket and if I want I can go back to sleep.  It just makes me want to smoke pot so bad.  I feel hung-over and I used to smoke so much pot to get through the hang-over.  That's the scary part.  I just want to feel better - quickly.  It's not going to happen so I might as well watch a movie and go to sleep.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, December 4, 2017

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN - YES I STILL GET PMS

Isn't that exciting?  I am getting PMS even though the chemo is most likely going to make me go through menopause.  Maybe it's the PMS from menopause.  The DVD player on this computer just popped open and scared the shit out of me.  So anyway I have more chemo this week and that is terrifying.  Scary?  Both?  I don't know.  Self-care is the ticket.  I am almost completely bald except for a bunch of patches.  Because my hair is so thick the patches are like little razor blades.  It is a rough look to say the least.  It looks like one of those mangy dogs that's chews at itself.  Ha it's awful.  I am wearing the wigs but they are awful.  Well I only have 2 and 1 is awful.  It's super cute with a hat on but with the hat off - yikes.  My sister said I looked like a serial killer last night.  That was sweet!  Anyway I can get some more wigs.  I have a show tonight.....I'm so nervous because the wig looks like a wig.  I mean the good wig that I have?  It still looks like a wig - just not as awful.  I wore it onstage last week and the audience said it looked like a wig.  There must be something I can do with it to make it look better.  I'm going to play around with it today.  They are fairly uncomfortable to wear and since I have those patches of hair they catch on the wig.  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS SHIT?  What am I going to do when my eyebrows and eyelashes fall out?  I will just get onstage and fucking talk about it.  That's what I did last week - fuck it.  I am not sure about tonight though - I have never performed at this place.  It's a challenge.  That's all - it's a challenge.  Accept the challenge and do my best.  Yeah.  Make a choice.  Get some more hats and wigs.  Yeaaaaah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

Hot Mess!

I'm a hot mess!  I have been crying all morning.  It's all of the physical stuff combined with I have no idea what?  I miss my father although I only cried about that briefly.  I am just so overwhelmed - physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I have been in physical pain and now the nausea and good lord all the other stuff.  Blah blah.  So I'm emotional because people are being so kind and loving and I am being supported.  I never even knew what that word meant until now.  I literally feel propped up by people.  It's so mind blowing.  So loving.  I am also what?  What was I going to say?  Fuck I don't remember.  Ha!  There you go - take yourself too seriously and God is like forget it.  Oye.  Well anyway this has been an emotional and exhausting morning although I still managed to pray, meditate and write in my journal.  And eat breakfast!  That was good.  The guy has to go to court again this morning for Batshit Crazy Barbara Driscoll.  Ah ugh.  Sigh.  I wonder who else she is harassing and being nutso to?  There has to be other people right?  I mean when I'm an asshole is a whole day of people I butt heads with - so she must have other people that she's being crazy to right?  Why am I even saying that?  I'm not sure it just occurred to me the other night.  Maybe I should take a bath.  I am cold.  I'm so tired already and it's 9:55 in the morning!  You know I cried through most of my meditation I should just do it again.  I know I must sound like I am losing it but even though I'm such a mess in my heart I am okay.  It's like I'm detoxing emotionally or something.  Just like barfing feelings through my tears.  No that's not quite right.  Just cleaning house I guess.  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  I am going to meditate again.  I can get in bed and meditate.  Just breathe and meditate.  Just get centered and go to my doctor's appointment.  Maybe eat a donut.  Yeah or a scone or something.  I know!  I'm going to call my new sponsor first.  Yes.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, November 24, 2017

Balding.

My hair is falling out for real now.  They told me on Tuesday that I would be bald by Monday and I am well on my way.  It's coming out in clumps and I don't even have 1/8 of the hair I used to have!  Okay so deep breath I am going to be bald for 5 months or so.  They also told me that on Tuesday.  I was so sick yesterday and we just stayed home thank God.  We didn't travel.  I took a nap for 2 hours, then slept for 12 hours and took another 2 hour nap today.  Am I a firecracker or what?  I went for a walk at least, both days.  Well yesterday it was really a stroll - I could barely get myself going.  Anyway I am so lucky I am here at home and that my guy is just like hey rest enjoy it.  I wish I could enjoy it more but being sick sucks.  It was uncomfortable to sit UP yesterday.  Okay let's look at the positive seriously.  That one is done - I will start to feel better now and the nausea pills really work.  I am losing weight - haha - I am but who cares.  I am clean and loved.  Wow - I am really reaching for stuff.  I am being taken care of.  The chemo is working.  Yes.  What else?  The guy had a nice day yesterday.....he rested and ate lots of yummy food.  My brother brought us a thanksgiving dinner the night before so we still got to have a nice meal.  The whole thing!  A turkey and all the trimmings.  It was so sweet - he drove 3 fucking hours to bring that to us.  I told someone and she seemed surprised that I was so touched and I had to keep myself from saying I would NEVER do that for someone.  Haha I don't know that's not true except I have no fucking idea how to cook a turkey but I drive hours and hours to see my family all the time.  It just warmed my heart.  We ate it the night before because I knew I wouldn't want to eat a big meal yesterday.  It was so fun!  A one day early thanksgiving meal!   Okay well anyway I should start to feel better by tomorrow.  I'm going to go to a meeting tonight.  I got a new sponsor.  That was painful and awkward but it's okay.  It will be okay.  I need so much more now - this is the craziest thing that has ever happened to me - I don't want to drink.  I don't want to pick up and I want to stay plugged into this program.  It already feels so scary with all the shit I'm on and the emotional up and down of this whole thing.  I was crying HYSTERICALLY at that movie Practical Magic the other night - he had to put on a different movie - it was nuts.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 20, 2017

My Pubes Fell Out First - A Cancer Love Story

I still have all the hair on my head but yesterday in the shower my pubes fell out.  I WAS SO UPSET.  What?  I KNOW.  It was completely shocking to me.  I was crying.  My boyfriend came in and comforted me - it was so ridiculous.  I was crying and laughing at the same time.  I just kept pulling it out - I couldn't believe it.  I thought all the hair on my head would fall out and then later the hair on my body and last my eyebrows and eyelashes.  I thought that's what everyone said.  That is what everyone said.  Come on - of course I would lose my pubes first.  God wants me to keep my sense of humor.  Here's another thing that happened that made me laugh.....My friend got in touch with me and asked me how I was (very sweet).  I said I felt sick and fluish from the chemo - said it felt like the flu.  She then said "I just got the flu shot - I hope I don't get the flu."  Then I said it wasn't the flu - it was the chemo and she sent me an emoji of a crying face.  HA.  "I hope I don't get the flu."  I HOPE YOU DON'T GET THE FLU TOO!  OR CANCER!  I mean I really laughed - I was like are you fucking kidding me?  It was so sweet of her to reach out but she just couldn't keep herself from being self-centered I guess.  Jesus I feel guilty writing this.  It was just funny.  Who the fuck knows where she was coming from.  The flu is terrifying for sure.  Anyway I still don't have my pubes.  We had a lovely weekend - went to the farm, celebrated my Mom's birthday, spent time with the kids.....went for a walk around the trees it was wonderful.  It brought up a lot...it always does I guess.  I miss my father so much - I said a toast for him at her party - I feel like everyone has just forgotten him....I know that's not true but ugh I don't know.  It's only been a year and a half.  I just feel his lack of presence so much.  It's just sad.  I miss him - really that's what it is - I miss him so much.  Ah life.  More chemo this week.  I was crying all morning.  My spirit is healing in such a profound way - truly.  This has helped me in so many ways.  But the physical pain is so scary.  I am accepting though and I have surrendered.  But I am still crying about it.  Haha.  CRYING GOOD AND HARD ABOUT IT!  Okay well I want to go for a walk and enjoy this day before I am sick from the chemo.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, November 16, 2017

Free Will.

Okay I go to this Alanon meeting and there is woman that goes to it - she's a piece of work you know?  Tall, big and has bleached blonde short hair, wears TONS of gold, long nails, heels, sun glasses on ALL the time, thick NY accent, drinks ice coffee out of a giant LOUD plastic clanking bottle that is so fucking annoying it's UNREAL and when she shares talks for like 20 minutes no lie.  That being said she has so many great things to say and I always relate to her and she really has a connection to a higher power AND she's a seeker.  It's so fucking crazy.  You really can not judge a book by it's cover OR by how fucking clanking that books stupid ice coffee is.  Between her jewelry and her fucking ice she's like one giant clank.  She pulls SO MUCH FOCUS.  But again - she's wonderful on the inside.  She told me I would wake up from my surgery and that I would be fine.  She also said something about my higher power loves me and I will be okay and that I can be okay if I want to because He gave us Free Will.  That really struck a cord (chord?) with me.  That's it right?  We have free will.  We have a choice.  Sometimes.  Sometimes not.  But sometimes.  For some reason I am thinking about that today.  Why did God give us free will?  I don't know.  I don't know but I also don't know why I am write on here I secret anymore until I say something like that and then I remember how flipped out most of the world gets when you speak about GOD.  Even I do!  When people post shit online about God I'm like SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Do that shit in private like a human being you fucking animal.  I REALLY feel that way.  It makes me wildly uncomfortable.  So yeah then I just remember that's why this blog is a secret.  Or am I just a pussy?  I don't know.  Maybe it's both.  Maybe there's third option behind door number 3.  I think it's interesting.  I spend so much of my life trying to get attention and jobs where people look at me and listen to me.  So I love that this is something that doesn't directly have to do with me.  I'm doing this solely to express myself and keep record of my journey through sobriety, life and now breast cancer.  It's like a giant science experiment.  What?  No that's not it.  It's giant science journal.  What?  It's just notes!  Notes on my life!  I dig it.  Who gives a fuck why!  I have to go and pretend to exercise.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE