Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Scared at Rite-Aid.

Is it Rite-Aide?  I don't know - either way I got scared.  I was picking out a nail polish and a kid came over and asked if I wanted a cookie - he was holding one in the palm of his hand and I said "No thank you" very nicely.  Then he asked me if I give head.  I just looked at him and he had this look on his face and I realized he was so YOUNG and I just said "Not to 12 year olds now get the fuck away from me."  And I pointed my finger and I said it really loud.  Then he made a face and was like "Ohhhh" and his friend said "What did she say - oh man - I really wanted some head." As they were going out the door.  They left and then I got scared.  So I didn't know what to do and I just kept looking for the color I was looking for which is a really weird color so I took me forever to find and by the time I did I had calmed down.  But that fucking SCARED me.  What the fuck was this kid doing?  He was 12 but he was still bigger than me.  Of course my ego was like "Oh I must look so much better" except I look AWFUL today.  And do you know what I was wearing?  Blue tights, a dress with daisies on it and a (ha) dumpy cashmere sweater.  With a really sexy, dirty bun on my head.  No make-up.  HA.  What the fuck?  Then I told my boyfriend and he was like "Oh his friend probably dared him."  I was SO FUCKING MAD.  I was like that fucking kid SCARED THE SHIT out of me.  I told my boyfriend I'm going to learn Marshal Arts (I think I spelled that wrong) and then he said I was reacting to the situation and then I REALLY got mad.  Whatever - we worked it out but what is happening to me?  I suddenly can't deal with people anymore and I can't deal with some shitty little 12 year old.  I hate being scared almost as much as I hate being angry.  What?  You would think I love being angry.  I just ate so much garlic I have like fumes coming out of me.  What can I do?  What is an action I can take right now?  I know - do my little yoga before bed.  I want to lie down and be victimized but I think I am doing myself a better turn by doing yoga.  Ugh - I'm so upset - these last couple of weeks have been so sucky.  But yet - not.  UGH.  Okay - I love you Bluebie - GOOD NIGHT.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

I'm SO BORED and I cold have written 2 NOVELS BY NOW.

Or at least one or at least a STORY for fuck's sake.  I have to get another job.  I need to be able to take better care of myself - THAT'S IT.  I mean I just charged a VERY expensive salad on my credit card but I was HUNGRY and I need something healthy.  OH yikes.  So I just sit here and worry while I'm at this job and just look at facebook and google weird shit and get nothing done.  Sometimes I write in my journal a little bit.  Ahhhhhhh!!!  Okay - so I'm going to get myself a FUCKING JOB.  This is what I want.  I want to work 40 hours a week at a job where I get benefits (great ones) and where I get paid enough to survive (well) on one job, that is creative and fun and interesting and where I'm learning and being of service.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  9-5 - or 10-6.  YES.  THAT'S WHAT I WANT.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Day 1881.

I have this day counting app on my phone and it says "You have been in recovery for 1,881 Days."  So that's how I know.  How many days I have.  That's a lot of days but also - not so many.  I'm so happy I'm sober.  I just got back from class.  I had an amazing set onstage last night - I killed - I had fun - it was so great.  I did not kill in class tonight - at all.  Ha - this monologue I'm working on is a of a dancer and tonight - I danced and I was having trouble to say the least - breathing.  My teacher said (ha) "Well I'm sorry you're so out of breath."  HA - aaaaand WHOMP.  Jesus - he's fucking 92 and he called me out for being out of shape.  But it's true.  Anyway - so I love the class but it's certainly not happening quickly.  I am just going along slowly with everything.  Lots of work in the programs - lots of meetings - I met with 2 of my sponsees the last 2 days so I am being of service.  I have no money - that credit card is just fattening right the fuck up.  I need to put myself on some sort of crazy, miniscule budget.  I mean - I could do that.  I SHOULD DO THAT.  What do I mean "I could?"  What the fuck is that - am I threatening to get my shit together?  Jesus.  My guy is about to move into his new apartment - I helped him pick out a couch and lamps for the new place - that was fun.  I don't know OMG THERE IS A MOUSE IN MY FRYING PAN RIGHT NOW.  I just made this delicious fried dessert and APPARENTLY HE WANTS SOME.  I am so fucking grossed out and at the same time so lonely for a pet that I hope he LOVES IT.  My life is so ridiculous sometimes.  I need to go to bed - love you Bluebie byeee.

Friday, October 24, 2014

I'm chewing my lip off.

Excuse me - lips.  Stressful week and I really don't have enough money and I really am so fucking tired.  I have sat here all fucking day at this job - I had to FORCE myself to put some hats and scarves into the system and then I - what?  I felt like I moved mountains or at least like I really contributed to society.  BY PUTTING HATS AND SCARVES into the system.  I'm yelling.  I'm very upset.  I'm so hurt by something a friend said to me - a lot of somethings - I just am having such a hard time getting past it.  I felt sick for 2 days.  Okay - how is this so hard?  I've been in recovery for 5 fucking years and I'm so lost - it feels like.  Or just upset.  It's so slow here I'm just spinning around in my own head.  Anyway - well now some fur came and I can put that out on the floor and pretend like I did something today.  Wow - I'm being so hard on myself and I have worked so hard to be in a better place - I'm so upset.  I can't wait to go to therapy.  Bye Sweet Bluebers.  Ugh.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

So tired.

I'm so tired and this jewelry business is so hard and growing very, so, slowly.  Oh.  Oh I don't know what to say - I'm being super hard on myself right now - it's early in the morning.....I just need coffee and to take a shower.  I'm so terrified about money.  I just don't get what's happening right now.  A lot of drama in my head I guess - for starters.  I'm so uncomfortable.  Well - okay - time to pray & meditate and make the most - the best I can of this day.  I missed my doctor's appointment yesterday - I just totally forgot to go.  Then I got a bill for something - oh that fucking mammogram - that I already paid for and the great news is I finally got paid for that movie I worked on last year.  $50.00.  I had to fight for that $50.00.  Love you Blueberry.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

New class.

This new class is packed with talent and WOW - there has been a TON of famous people who have studied with this man and won Oscars.  He's a fucking legend this man.  I swear to God though I thought he was having a stroke tonight in class and then I realized he was just going over in his head the piece the guy was working on - hilarious.  I feel so grateful to be in this class.  I feel very shy and uncomfortable.  VERY VERY VERY, VERY uncomfortable.  I had my own giant ego rearing it's head tonight but who cares - it happens and next time I can go back and work from a different place.  It's so crazy because everyone in the class is funny.  Also not everyone works and there is so little ego in the class it's crazy.  One chick wasn't very nice to me on the way out - but - well - women are always like that at first aren't they?  Fuuuuuck her - she will love me in three weeks.  Maybe.  I'm so tired - love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Stress.

I'm in my bed.  My sheets are clean and so are my teeth and my face.  I'm working hard at my job and I'm working hard at the jewelry thing even though I feel like nothing is happening.  I got business cards made and I feel like that alone is so MONUMENTAL I can't even tell you.  I've never been able to do that before.  I just feel sad though because I don't know what I'm doing.  I really - for real this time - have no clue what I'm doing.  Well - okay - I'm working slowly at it - but every day and I'm slowly doing everything else.  Comedy, acting - okay.  I'm so tired.  I just feel like such a mess - and I can not see how any of this is going to work out.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe I will just get a full-time job at Tiffany's and that will be that.  I have to go to sleep - I'm so tired.  I had a full, long day and I went to a meeting and I did the best I could today.  I do feel that's true.  Am I being nice to myself - that's terrifying.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.  ps It's time to grow up.