Friday, September 4, 2015

Good morning!

It's the day after my anniversary.  6 years.  Haha almost everyone forgot.  Not everyone but really most people but also - really - who cares?  I get to be sober and functioning in life.  And why should people remember to celebrate the day where I finally gave up a horrible life?  What?  Obviously it hurts my feelings oh well.  Not one of my sponsees remembered and I had to call my parents and remind them.  My father was like "Oh that's nice - I thought it was tomorrow - your sister put it on the calendar on the wrong day."  Haha sort of.  Anyway - I got a good night sleep last night and took care of myself before bed.  Now Im awake, prayed & meditated and I have hair dye in my hair.  I have a show tonight, work today and therapy begins again yaaaaaay.  That's not a sarcastic yay either.  I had such an epiphany this morning while I was meditating.  I have been troubled with such negative thoughts about people from now and the past - people I feel like I have "helped" and whatever - have given time to and I haven't gotten anything back.  The epiphany consists of 2 parts - Im mad because I was "giving" with expectations - which stinks. Then also - I say yes to times that don't work for me and put other people's needs above my own because otherwise I think it wont work out.  And whie I was thinking about how mad I am it occurred to me that my time is valuable and I matter and I'm not taking care of myself in these relationships or I wouldn't be so fucking mad.  DUH.  Wow.  It's always like dating - if I have to try that hard to make it work - if I have to hurt myself to make it work - Im going to be angry - SO ANGRY and it doenst matter anyway - he's not that into me ANYWAY.  Im more valuable than that.  So much more.  I deserve better.  The thing is also that Im not even sure if these people are asking me to twist myself into a pretzel but ugh Im getting confused.  I just need to take care of myself in relationships or Im going in the wrong direction - that's it.  THATS IT!  Fuck I can feel my brain trying to re-wire as I type this and it's like "nooooooo you must control and manipulate and and and ahhhhhhhhh!!!!"  Gross.  It's only 8:50 and Im exhausted haha. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Omg I am so fucking tired.

Shows, costume fittings, working both jobs (till this one ends), spending time with the guy and trying to fix everything here for me leaving.  What the fuck I am so tired.  so tired and SO GRATEFUL.  I fucked up today time-wise but well - it's okay!  Everyone makes mistakes and I certainly learned from it - BIG time.  Am I making any sense?  Im not going to be able to write on my blog at the other job!  I wont even be able to be on the computer!!  Holy shit it's like a real job.  Well I am going to enjoy being able to sit down and be online while I am here haha.  Ah it's so wonderful - life is shifting - I feel so very grateful and so grateful that it's happening in a kind way.  Im just trying so hard to be nice to myself.  Im really trying to kindly shift myself away from the negative thinking once it starts.  I mean I can't help it starting (supposedly)  BUT I can help it from continuing and I can be nice to myself about the whole thing.  So how's that for some mother-fucking recovery??  Im crying a little bit but I think it's fake crying because my nose is tickling itself - that's when I always know Im crying fake tears.  Oh good LORD - okay well I somehow managed to get to work on time today, go to a costume fitting and get back here - so now I just need to sell some stuff and organize my whole life.  Haha.  Right.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!!  Bye.

Friday, August 28, 2015

Exhausted.....

but thrilled.  Well maybe thrilled is the wrong word - fascinated?  I am fascinated at things moving in a different direction.  I did that show Wednesday and managed to get myself to that extra work yesterday on time and get a decent night's sleep and get myself back here to the store today.  I mean I guess - what?  I forgot what I was going to write.  Im not sure if extra work is really for me- holy shit it's crazy.  Anyway.  What again?  Im a little foggy and having trouble with negative thinking.  I have 3 more weeks of working here.  Holy shit.  I have worked here for 4 years.  Long enough to have gone to college again!  Im ready to go.  I guess.  I feel like I finally just - you know what?  No.  Im not going to write how I finally just figured out how to get here, find cheap food blah blah blah.  It's time to move on!!!  3 years ago!!!  Haha - at least 2!!  WOW.  Um - I love you?  Hahaha Im crazy right now.  I made my coffee SO strong this morning - lord Im going to crash.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Oh boy.

I got a new job.  I went for the interview, trained the next day and they hired me.  I gave her my notice here at the store - and she never wrote me back.  I even ASKED her if she got the email.  It's so ironic because I started to doubt my decision.  I went to an audition yesterday and when I came back I walked a different way than I normally do and I was like "Oh I love this area - oh it's so pretty right here oh I'm going to miss this."  UM WHAT?  Anyway so her ignoring me completely is helping.  I just need to get out of here.  I gave her a month but if she doesnt want that - that's fine.  WOW.  Im also getting busier with comedy which is amazing and terrifying.  Okay I really cant write anymore - the store has been so crazy busy.  OF COURSE.  So I love you sweet blog - let's see what happens!

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Burping. Stress. And Love.

Trying to stay positive and working hard but not killing myself.  It's so fucking confusing to be honest.  I just want to either do comedy 100% of the time or not at all.  I mean it is fucking excruciating doing it in a methodical manner.  It's practically fucking killing me.  Which is where the burping comes in I guess.  I mean I can't stop burping.  I'm just stressed out.  I went on a job interview - I can type 36 words a minute.  Man am I skilled or what?  On another note I am having these wonderful weekends with the guy - we go to the beach - go visit people - go to meetings - it's amazing.  Ugh and then I'm so stressed out?  It's crazy.  Well it's also hot as fuck - so humid too.  I hosted a show last night - got home at 1:30 - because someone gave me a ride home - thank GOD.  I have been doing sit-ups, some yoga - walking everywhere - changing my eating habits and DEAR GAO - I feel like I have gained weight.  What the fuck?  See - I can't think positive.  Im exhausted.  Busy.  Busy is good.  Anyway - haha - at least I didnt eat a muffin yet.  And Im just not able to see how things are going to work out.  How can I afford my class?  How can I pay my rent?  How can I get enough stage time?  How can I - I dont know what - live?  Save for the future?  Stop panicking every time I save more than $20. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever?  I get a very real sense of doom whenever I save even the tiniest amount of money.  At some point I really need to understand what that is about.  I'm tired.  I feel so grateful - I was crying last night as I was walking away from the meeting I was at towards where the show was.  All the things I got to calmly see as I walked - it just seemed so beautiful.  The buildings, an old lady trying to text.....Okay and then as I am writing this some lady from this neighborhood where the store is - walked in with her horrible hair and asked me in sucha  cunty passive aggressive voice if we were going out of business.  She is a frumpy, dumpy cunt.  UGH.  SEE HOW GRATEFUL I AM.  Unreal - Im terrified of this job ending but I don't like it.  Oh she is trying on a scarf that looks like a table cloth.  OH MAN I HOPE SHE BUYS IT.  Im trying - I swear to God - Im trying.  Bye.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Eat Pretty.

Im reading a book my sister told me to read called Eat Pretty.  It's absolutely fantastic - for me.  Im also reading Sick In The Head and it's also fabulous.  Just a couple more weeks till my anniversary - today I feel better and I am - what?  Going to get to it today.  Live and get to it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

2 small miracles (for me)

akid was sitting next to me on the subway and he wasn't even man spreading - he just kept brushing his uberly soft skin arm up against mine and it was growiing me out.  I felt annoyed and like he should have been the one to adjust himself since I was in the seat first.  Whatever - I wanted to get up - or hit him with my bag (one of my favorite subway moves) and/or huff and puff - blah blah blah.  All things that would ultimately hurt me.  I moved my own arm so I wouldnt have to be picking up on his weird images in my mind (part of the reason I dont like touching strangers to begin with) and just didnt do anything.  I just felt annoyed and moved myself.  Miracle number 1.  HEre's the next one.  An older woman came in here - to the store - she's been in here before - shes a racist and shes horrible - she told another customer once to "Go back to the country you came from."  I think I wrote about her before.  Anyway she came in - went in the dressing room with a dress - pulls the curtain aside and heads towards my water - brand new big bottle of Poland Spring s- the BIG bottle - and says "Can I wash my hands?"  I said - "no - we don't have a sink" she says "Cant I use your water?"  I said "No!  That's my drinking water!"  She says - all demanding - "Can't I just have some?"  I say okay - fine - I gave her a paper towel - I open the water and I go to pour some on her hands - and she's - ha - trying to catch it and then she just GRABS the bottle AND STICKS HER BIG OLD LADY THUMB in my brand new bottle of water.  She gives the fucking bottle a good old rim job and then says thanks.  Ha and OMG are you fucking kidding me?  Then she asks all sarcastically if I want her to buy me another water.  "Do you want me to go get you another water?"  Anyway - this is the point.  By the time she left - and had driven 2 other customers away - I had decided the owner of the store is buying me a new bottle of water right?  I BLAMING the owner for this.  I go to grab money out of the cash box and then - then it just felt so uncomfortable.  I was like - no - no Im just going to go for a walk instead and take money out of the bank, throw this water out and get a new water.  Listen - I know I will have old lady thumbs one day very soon and I know I could have probably just drank the water.  She also could have just gone and BOUGHT me a water - she didnt need to ask me 75 times.  She's a horrible person.  However - I ultimately said yes - to giving her some water to begin with - I didnt need to.  It wasn't the owner's fault!  I wasn't going TO STEAL money to buy another bottle of water.  I mean I really had to stop myself.  Listen I hate being responsible for my own feelings it sucks.  But Im not going to be thief because some racist old cunt was pushier than I was prepared to deal with.  Whatever - I guess it's 2 very small wins.  Miracles?  I still have pms - love you Bluebie bye.