Saturday, February 6, 2016

Writing.

I love writing.  Its hard to do - its hard to get myself to it.  Its like exercising - it's so uncomfortable.  Hard to get started.  This is not revolutionary.  Anyway - I love it.  I was able to write quite a bit this week for my comedy - it's been slow at work - soooooo slow - and I worked with 2 different sets of people on my writing.  Ugh - what?  My guy was talking to me while I was writing that and I am not - ha - coordinated enough to be able to write and listen/talk.  Anyway - I wrote with a couple of friends which was helpful, but what was really helpful was writing to get ready to write with them.  Then I also paid someone to help me on my writing which was tremendously helpful and then I was able to do a spot today and work on the stuff and it helped a bunch.  So I'm getting there.  My point is that if I can get somewhere - to that place - with the writing - where I'm really learn how to write for myself - I can do a good job up there performing.  AH.  It's so intense - I don't remember it being so intense last time - I guess because I was wasted all the time.  I was wasted and I was always worried about dudes and blah, blah - I don't know - other shit.  So my guy drove me into the city and back here from the show.  He's so sweet and supportive.  He has good ideas too - he's a great comrade.  We are going out to dinner tonight for our anniversary.  Writing that just blew my mind.  What a shift my life has taken.  Thank God.  I just couldn't take life going in that other direction.  I like this more balanced state and I have to say sometimes it's excruciating and I just want to be like AHHHHH - I NEED TO GET ONSTAGE EVERY NIGHT AND RUN ARIUND LIKE A MANIAC - THAT'S THE ANSWER ONLY.  And listen it is the answer for someone and if I was 25 it could be my answer.  But - Im not.  And my guy isn't either and anyway - Im still seeing growth this way it's just not as splashy and dramatic.  Please I am plenty splashy and dramatic onstage - I don't need it in my own life fuck that shit.  I like CALM.  I like LAYING DOWN because I'm healthy tired.  What?  Well anyway I still work 14 hour days at least twice a week and I get plenty exhausted.  Do I feel guilty that Im going to dinner with my guy!?  Ha - I guess so.  Well good thing I justified it then.  Anyway I feel so grateful for him and I want to take care of us.  Gotta put on some lipstick and eat a steak!  Ha!  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee!

Monday, February 1, 2016

train traffic ahead of us....

I'm on the commuter train and I left in enough time to walk sloooowly from Grand central to my class and still get there early but - nope - train tragfic. Some poor soul killed themselves at one of the stops and everything is backed up plus it's rush hour. So.e,lady next to me was so annoyed about it and kept yelling I to the phone to get one of her kids to put the chicken legs in a bowl and spice them so she could cook them for dinner. Man was she pissed. Fuck you chicken leg lady - have you ever wanted to kill yourself? Have some fucking compassion - and how about not yelling on the quiet car giving cooking instructions to your kid who clearly doesn't want to do it??  Anyway - I have to pee. I had a nice day. I prayed and meditated with the guy, paid a bill, wrote a little, had sex (with the guy) ate some ribs and sweet potatoes I made, jogged, stretched and took a nap. I love living with him although I have to get a new job now - wait have i said this? Yeah so anyway bye.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Pizza.

I stopped eating pizza and bread in general, gluten and all of it. It's really bad for my lyme disease and I finally was able to figure out its because it causes inflammation. So now I'm doing this and at first I felt okay - no big deal but now - something happened yesterday and I just started to get depressed. I was in the city last night to see a show and I was hungry and normally I would get a slice of pizza. But no - no pizza. This is so crazy but I think I'm morning pizza. I'm not even joking. I already look so much better - my skin has gotten so much better and it wasn't bad! I found myself asking myself if it was worth it last night. Dear Lord. My guy said of course I'm upset with such a major life change. Ha! Not eating pizza is a major life change. Okay well it will get better right? I had a piece of coffee cake Saturday night and that's probably part of why I feel bad. I need to just let it go. I will figure out how else to eat and I'm cooking tons which I love. Okay love you blueberry bye.

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

Be the change you want to see in Cunty Buns

Ha!  I'm not even kidding.  I read out of different meditations books every morning and the one that struck me this morning was from Journey To The Heart by Melody Beattie.  She says don't wait for things to change - the change comes from inside us.  She also says it's BORING to wait - and you know what?  It is.  And it never happens.  Im learning so much from working with Cunty Buns and dare I say this?  I am now so very glad it has happened.  Im getting to practice ALL the things I have been learning for years.  How to have boundaries and keep them, how to recognize that I can have compassion for someone but I don't have to accept their unacceptable behavior and I don't have to be a bitch about it either.  And as far as trusting myself - this I just realized yesterday....that she isn't a particularly nice person but she wants to be perceived as one.  Well in the past - meaning 2 days ago - this would have flipped me out and made me beat myself up because I didn't like her.  But guess what?  I am sensitive and let's face it - not stupid - and it's none of my business what she wants.  She isn't nice and that's all I need to know for myself - ugh I'm losing sight of my point.  I don't need to take care of her and her feelings.  I know she isn't nice so I protect myself and keep my distance.  I don't have to be part of her game - Im not responsible for her and her feelings.  ISNT THAT AMAZING?  And I don't know if this is coming across but Im saying it from a kind place because I cant help her - well 1 because she doesn't want my help (ha!) and 2 because Im not qualified to.  I suppose mostly because she's not asking me to - hello.  So this is the ultimate opportunity to stay focused on myself and take care of myself.  It's a super challenge but yesterday even though I was of course - angry and annoyed with her behavior - I took care of myself - I kept focusing on love and I kept walking away from her and breathing.  It's not a particularly fun challenge but it is one that I am seeing as an opportunity now.  Also she stopped trying to get me fired because the boss above us wasn't having it so she stopped.  But also this is the thing - I'm changing - not her.  I even had the thought yesterday about how "Maybe she has gotten better?"  Im not sure why I was thinking that - or lying to myself that - but then I realized that since she's not in program or therapy she probably isn't going to have changed since 2 days ago.  That's when it clicked to me - Im the only thing that can be different here - me.  Good Lord - is this Obvious 101?  I don't know - I guess it's because Im actually practicing it - not just saying it.  And accepting it - even if I don't like it.  Man - Im starving.  I just got so so hungry.  It's super cold today - 20 degrees feels like 5!  That's real Winter!!  Loooove you Bluebie bye.

Friday, January 15, 2016

Mess.

Im a mess - Cunty Buns drove me to a whole new level of rage yesterday.  She's trying to get me fired and so I have been working extra hard to make sure she has nothing on me (I sound like a thug right?).  Well do you know what that turned into?  Her doing a WHOLE LOT LESS.  I must have walked up and down that crazy he stair case 50 times - she - twice.  Ha!  I was so pissed by the end of the day that I was bright red.  Not only that but she almost lost us a sale AND overcharged someone.  WHO CARES.  Now I just need to get a different job.  Not just because of her but because I don't make enough money and it's too many hours to spend AND - it's just not working.  Oh well.  Im so tired but it's mostly because of her toxic energy.  And she's lazy - unreal.  The other fucked up part is that IM lazy and I would LOVE to be working at other shit while Im at work - but I can't because she's trying to get me fired!  How brilliantly manipulative is that?  She's figured out how to get me to do more and she does less.  And works on her own shit while Im running up and down the stairs.  That's how I see it anyway.  Why am I even writing this?  I spent all day trying to not talk about this anymore.  How much farther do I need to be pushed by the Universe?  I don't know.  It's so upsetting and confusing.  So anyway - that's that.  The whole house smells like shrimp because I cooked - overcooked it 4 days okay.  3 days ago?  I mean my coat - everything - good lord.  Ah!  I wish I could be more positive.  I had a nice lunch.  There we go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Powerlessness and Shame - these are the two of my favorite things!

UGH.  Can I seriously get a cyber high five for digging deep and - I don't know just for that?  I can NOT BEIEVE how much shame and humiliation I have.  As far as I can tell what is happening right now is that I have wounds (I know we all do) form different traumas and they never healed AND some are infected.  How's this for fun so far?  Then - then I led my life trying to operate from that wounded infected being and I never understood why it wasn't working - then I finally got sober and now years later I see what was under it all.  Infection.  Fine. Time to heal.  BUT GOD - I just feel it.  It's not fun and it feels - toxic.  This is what Cunty Buns has helped me get to.  She has triggered a deep place of healing.  Im sure other - well I know other people have triggered this but she was the Cunty Bun that broke this infected camel's back.  What's the number one best thing to do right now for myself?  Be nice to myself, have compassion for myself - keep looking at it and talking about it.  Do  you know what I just did on my day off?  Here in this new apartment that I haven't lived in for very long and Im still not quite moved into?  I took a NAP.  Because I got sleepy and it's my day off and my sweet, lovely body that carries me everywhere was tired so I RESTED.  How's that for self-compassion?  Man.  So.  So here's the other thing Cunty Buns has pushed me to FINALLY realize - I am powerless over Cunty Buns.  Im powerless over her, my friend who pushed me into Alanon to begin with and all the people who - I don't know - drive me crazy while also managing to make me feel bad about myself.  When I realized that about her - I instantly stopped preparing myself to defend myself against her.  Almost anyway.  Now when the crazy conversation comes up in my head about how Im going to react to her - I just say Im powerless - and it makes it stop.  Unreal.  Amazing.  Im powerless aver drugs and alcohol and I am powerless over other infected people - that's it.  So that's great.  Thanks Cunty Buns.  I mean it.  Okay I have to do 10 minutes of yoga and go to therapy. Haha it ever ends does it?  love you Bluebie byeeee.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Fascinating article.

I just read an article about what we really want - and he posed the question of "What are you willing to struggle for?"  The short answer being - that which you are willing to go through pain for, struggle for, put in the time for - is the thing you really want.  If you want to be in great shape then you have to be willing to go through the pain of that amazing body.  If you want to be president of some corporation - you have to go through 65 hour workweeks, and go through the politics and all that corporate stuff.  It's fascinating to me right now.  What do you love enough in order to go through the ultimate suffering it will take to get you to that place.  Because there will be some.  This is me talking now.  I'm sober and I had to go through a shitload of pain - before and after in order to get clean.  Ugh - what am I saying?  What am I willing to struggle through at this point in my life?  Am I willing to go through the suffering necessary to really be a comedian and an actress?  Im not sure.  Am I willing to continue I should say. I don't know.  I really don't know.