Friday, July 3, 2015
I love to read - I have always loved to read. One of the only classes I ever did well in at school was literature. All you had to do was read the book and answer questions - or read the book and write about it. I loved it. So easy - so enjoyable - so INTERESTING to me. I finished the book I was reading "The Goldfinch" and now I am reading "Finder Keepers" by Stephen King. It's great. I love him and I have always loved him. When I was in high school I would go to the library and I would always get out one Stephen King book and one classic. I guess I felt guilty about only reading Stephen King. I always loved the classic too so it wasn't like it was some kind of hideous chore - I was just trying to make myself more well rounded I guess? Man Catholic guilt - even in the fucking library! So today on the subway I was reading the book and there is a kid int he book who learns he loves literature. And it reminded me how much I loved reading and writing for that matter and then it made me sad that I didn't go to school for that. I mean I can feel it in my blood. I would have excelled at schooling of literature - even more than acting or dance or anything. Isn't that crazy? I guess that's part of why I love comedy so much - the writing. Ah - i suppose it was confusing to my poor parents that I didn't do well at anything but somehow I aced every literature class I had - easily. Haha - well and I read so alcoholically. I would just sit and read, read and read. I remember in 6th grade just ignoring everything the teachers were saying and just reading my novel in class. It was an escape for me also. Jesus - who knows? Maybe everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to. All I know is I madly love to read. Love. LOVE! And I am so grateful for it. Now on top of the eye twitching I am having intense ringing in my ears. I believe what is happening is some sort of thyroid problem. I had blood work not too long ago though and nothing showed up. But who know - maybe it's just at the mental level right now. Time to learn how to express myself and let that little butterfly in my neck free so I don't gain 500 pounds and get miserable. Free the butterfly!!! What? Bye.
Thursday, July 2, 2015
I'm having some swings. Why? I don't know. I'm tired, scared and bored. Bad combo. I did a mi tonight and I have a show tomorrow night and I have a direction to go in. I met with someone and wrote with her and she gave me some pointers - a lot of pointers and it was - upsetting. Basically - I need to work harder. What made me think that wouldn't be the answer? I'm not sure. She also said to just be me - which also isn't what I wanted to hear even though I KNOW that's the best thing. I wanted her to say be someone 15 years younger. Why would that help me? Ugh the guy and I had a row today - it wasn't good. His son is not well - neither of his kids are well. It's terrifying and so scary. Also I don't know - it's so hard being in a relationship. I know - awwww - no but really. I just have such raging intimacy issues. It's so much working things out and feelings and - sometimes I'm just not good at it. Which make me sad. But it's okay. What? I'm so tired right now I need to go to sleep. Love you Bluebie bye.
Monday, June 29, 2015
I didn't get home until 2:00 last night - I hosted a show and I woke up this morning to talk wit my alanon sponsor. That has nothing to do with anything except that I woke up exhausted. I also woke up having to pee so badly I don't even know how I didn't wake up before that. Well right when I woke up my boyfriend got in the shower and he always locks the door and we don't pee in front of each other anyway - which I am totally fine with. His place has 2 bathrooms - mine does not. I tried to hold it - started to make my coffee - I mean he doesn't even take long showers - I hadn't even been asleep for THAT long - I was sure I could hold it and then suddenly - I was sure I couldn't. So I hoisted myself up and peed in the kitchen sink. I mean come on - what's the fucking difference right? I have to tell you although I felt tremendous relief - I also felt completely stupid perched up on the edge of the kitchen sink like that. I felt it best not to let him in on that little piece of information. Anyway - I'm so tired today. I was so tired yesterday and I thought I was going to rest and go to sleep early but then I got booked for that show. I'm just a little fried I guess. I have time today to take care of myself know. I just prayed/meditated and I'm going to go into the park and then organize and clean up around here. I'm not sure how to have a better attitude when I'm tired. I guess I just have to practice that. I suppose the better care I take care of myself each day the less I will get thrown off on days when I'm going to be up late and up early. Okay. Whatever. Not whatever - I just need some exercise and I will feel better. Love you Bluebie bye.
Friday, June 26, 2015
Okay - so I just made a promise to myself that I will write everyday. I'm so tired. I already wrote in my journal (I KNOW IT SOUNDS SO GAY) and now I'm here. Speaking of GAY - it's great day in history!!! Hooray!! I love gays and I love rainbows and I absolutely love love. So hooray it's a beautiful day. Everyone gay can marry in America just like everyone else!! So I had a frustrating week alanonically wise - I am just no longer able to tolerate the same behavior from people. Wait - let me clarify that to say that I no longer think I deserve to have to put up with wack-job behavior from people. I simply don't have to be part of it. The confusing part is that I am soon going to be out of people to talk to - haha. No seriously though I need to meet more healthy performers! People? I don't know. Yes I do - yes I do know very much so. What? But also it's not about me. Other people aren't about me. I used to be a dick when I was drinking and even if I said it was because of other people - it wasn't - it was because of me. Now when people ask me to do things I don't want to do and they act needy and cray cray - it's not about me and I don't have to - stick around for it. OR even BETTER - I don't have to go back FOR MORE!! I am making some very slow but positive progress even though it might not actually sound like it. Because what's different is that I don't want to fuck these people over - I just want to be happy and healthy and not have to deal with them - does that make sense? On a side note I am eating toasted Exotic Black Rice Bread with peanut butter and you would think it's a fucking fudge caramel loaded sundae the way I'm eating it. Lord! Amen I love you bye.
Thursday, June 25, 2015
So this app I have tells me how many days I have been in recovery (I'm sure I have written that 12 times) and today is Day 2122. Lord have mercy - unbelievable. What's most unbelievable and amazing tome is not just that I have drank for that many days but that I'm slowly getting healthier also. SO SLOWLY. Holy shit. But today I took a shower, drank a green drink, prayed & meditate, walked through the park and brought an apple with me. I also have on clean clothes and I am more or less comfortable in them. Oh it's going to be busy here again today I can just tell so I wanted to write really quickly. Something - I don't know what it is - I have to think differently about my career now. I thought or think I thought that I could do it the way I did it last time - when I first started. But everything has changed now - it's a completely different world and I am a different person and although it has worked a little bit - I am now left realizing I need to do something different. SO. So what in the world is it? I don't know! I'm asking people questions. Ugh - it's quite frustrating - and confusing. And you know I have decided that me taking care of myself, continuing to grow and be kind in these programs - while searching for ways I can contribute even more to this world - is being of service. I'm not directly saving babies in Africa but who knows - maybe I am! What? Or I will. What? Lord I need some water. My brain is flying in 50 million directions - I need to calm down or I'm going to be tired in 45 minutes and the day hasn't even started yet! Breathe. I'm going to pee and breathe. Amen. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Karate CHOP! What? I have been so busy!! It's so hard to write on here consistently but also I am reading a fabulous book that has me by the BALLS. I can't stop reading it. Hold on. Okay I guess it's almost 800 pages long but I'm reading it on my ipad and it's 1400 pages long! Haha. It's called The Goldfinch and I LOVE IT. Omg - it's so good. Okay so the guy is great - so sweet - so loving. We went to my parents for Father's Day and he cooked everyone steaks and they gave him a $50.00 gift card. HA. I was like "WOW - they don't want you going anywhere!" Haha. It was so nice. I'm okay - slightly or more than slightly frustrated by my career being so slow going. However, I am trying to take better and better care of myself - each day - so that's good. I don't have class for the Summer so I can take the time to really focus on my comedy. I feel like something is happening but I don't know what it is. I mean creatively. On another note I felt like I was being followed forever, it went away and now it's back again. It's so fucking weird AND I look like a complete wacko stopping in the street and turning around trying to catch someone following me. I'm not clever enough to figure out if someone is indeed following me - ugh - it's so weird. Wow - I just got tired. So - I guess I'm okay - I'm just going along trying to live well, grow well and stay sober. I stood up to the other girl that works here though! That's a good thing! I just said "No." And she was being very manipulative too and I just said no. No I can not do it. I don't want to do what you are asking me and that's it! Once I realized I was going to be angry if I said yes to her - I realized it wouldn't be good for me - that it's unhealthy to do that. It's not my job to help her out and anyway I have a million times. So that was a great development. Um - what? I mean for me it is? You know I write these things and then I'm like "WHY AREN'T I SAVING STARVING BABIES IN AFRICA??" Ugh. But who can save starving babies if they can't say no to someone? Right? What? I have to save me FIRST for fucking once. JESUS! Why is this upsetting me all over again? Hahahaa. Okay bye.
Thursday, June 18, 2015
So I'm working on this scene for class and got all confused about this guy being hot (even though I had no idea until a week ago) and me being horny and ridiculous and suddenly thinking maybe I'm supposed to have this guy's babies - right? I'm mean WHAT the fuck is that? He has a girlfriend and I have a BOYFRIEND - who I am IN LOVE with and I have zero desire to have a baby right now. So then yesterday I rush to this rehearsal with a director and this guy - I'm all sweaty and I wore this hilarious but hideous costume and he shows up looking - UNREAL - gorgeous and then we rehearse like 20 minutes and he leaves to go to a show. Then I couldn't stop thinking about how fat I am (which I'm not - I gained a few pounds but come on - and I'm not just saying that - if anything I'm just BLOATED) and how maybe he would like me better if I wore a nicer costume and I didn't have veins in my legs and what color is his girlfriend anyway?? And it felt AWFUL. It felt like how I always used to be with men - "Does he like me - is he going to call? I wonder if I wore yellow if he would like me better?" WHAT? I went to a meeting after the rehearsal and I realized how I was being. Just crazy. I shared about it the meeting and then something shifted. Isn't that so scary? I just slipped away a little bit in my thinking and behavior. But it's okay I nipped it in the bud. Or the meeting nipped it in the bud? I wonder why that happened though? I haven't been as good with my program - it's been so busy at the store and it's so hard to take phone calls. I've been running around and doing and trying to get other odd jobs to supplement my income - I'm just flustered. But that's okay - I have today to get myself together here. I guess I just had some sort of emotional slip or something? I DEFINITELY have not been working on my alanon stuff enough or gone to enough meetings. Hello. Gotta go sell some tunics - love you Bleubie bye.