Monday, September 1, 2014

Day 1825.

Yeesh.  Well it's finally September and hopefully once my anniversary happens I will feel a little bit more even.  Balanced?  I don't know.  I just went for a jog/walk in the park and as I entered the park a lady working told me to be careful because a woman got murdered a couple of weeks ago.  Of course I was so upset and then decided I should never exercise again.  Isn't that so awful?  I don't know - I should check to see if that really happened because she was also talking to the squirrels.  Well I still went through the park - it's a holiday - tons of people and I've also been in the park early in the morning and there were tons of people - I mean TONS - so I don't know - but again of course it was upsetting.  I had such a nice weekend with the guy - we went to see my parents, went to my brother's birthday party - went to a picnic yesterday.  Then we got in an argument in the car - ugh - I just really can't fucking stand that he is married sometimes and it gets to me - that's it.  That's actually not just it - I have jealousy problems and insecurities and UGH - I don't know - I asked a question - he answered - I got upset.  He did answer in a douche way though - he really did.  OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING??  He is such a great guy.  Okay - whatever.  Went to a meeting last night - hosted a show, came home and got a decent night's sleep - he slept over and I woke up and prayed and meditated and got myself jogging in the park.  It is completely nerve wracking to have all this time off but then again - I was so exhausted.  Okay - it's going to be okay.  I FEEL WEIRD NOT WORKING ON LABOR DAY.  I'm going to a meeting later and I'm going to go get some groceries and get myself together here in my apartment - do some cleaning and make some phone calls.  Oh sigh - I just feel crazy that's all.  Well at least now I know what to do I guess.  It makes me sad but I suppose I would feel worse if I didn't know what to do.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Day 1822.

I am so tired lately but - well - I think I'm healing or something.  Anyway I have noticed how much my mind turns to being a victim - I know I've written about this before - but I really recognize it lately.  I see my mind doing it on the subway (I'm a victim of someone chewing - which is annoying but okay I'm no their victim), at the store (someone asks me for a lot of things and leaves the store a mess - again annoying but that's my JOB), ohhhhh and someone not holding the door for me someplace (WHAT is THAT - am I the princess of the fucking world or something???).  So anyway - holy shit I just prayed and meditated and I cried the whole time.  I feel so - like I'm breaking open and healing at the same time - it is so fucking bizarre.  Anyway I have to go to my meeting so I can continue to do my 5 things for this day.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Well - so the boring tale goes.......

or perhaps not so boring.  Maybe just right now it's boring.  Maybe right now it is BRILLIANTLY BORING and that is just fine.  I was so depressed the last couple of days it was unreal.  It occurred to me that I really am an alcoholic and suddenly that seems so overwhelming - or not - I don't know.  I guess I'm just shocked.  The good part is that if I ever decide to wonder if I'm not one I can just go back and read some of this blog from less then a year into my sobriety and see how truly batshit crazy I was - for proof.  I think I feel like I might be coming out of it a little bit now.  I don't have enough work or money but oh well.  I am not waitressing and I guess as slowly as my sobriety from drugs and alcohol came to me - that's how slowly my sobriety from waitressing will be.  I had no idea it would be so hard!  What am I even talking about?  I need more money and I have no idea what I'm doing.  I got wicked blisters on my feet which of one is now infected (in the most interesting and revolting way) from the shoes I wore to that interview on Monday and I can't seem to take care of myself anymore.  I didn't take a shower today and that's the second time this week I have done that (ha).  I can't seem to get out of bed.  My sheets turn into the most comfortable, soft, luxurious pieces of fabric - as soon as my alarm goes off.  It's like a magic switch.  Well anyway.  I don't know.  I keep going to meetings, calling people, taking phone calls - reaching out and calling my sponsor.  So.  Oh and the 5 things in general.  OKAY GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING - love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, August 25, 2014


Like a boat.  I look like a bloated boat.  Or like a woman who is 4-6 months pregnant.  I feel so gross.  I got my period yesterday and I could barely move.  I went on the interview today and it was okay but he told me to come back and explore the store and really see if I want to work there.  Then I went to work and it was SO SLOW and boring I almost lost my mind.  I mean I really felt fucking INSANE by the time I left.  I feel so fearful.  I need another job and for the life of me - how can I be so bored and when I think of waitressing I can't even move?   I feel so - STUCK.  NO - slow.  I just feel slow.  Oh WOW - the money was so confusing for the job.  Okay - look - my anniversary is next week and then hopefully I will feel better.  It's so crazy - I love him so much - I'm so in love with him and now I hate him because he took me on vacation and I have no money.  WHAT?  He paid for SO MUCH of it and would have paid for everything if I let him.  Okay - I feel like a spoiled brat.  I'm so lucky that I have sobriety.  I'm so lucky that I have a job where I get to be bored.  I'm so lucky to be FAT.  What?  Well I am.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps I feel fucking CRAZY.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Suddenly stressed.

Okay I have a job interview Monday morning and I am FLIPPING out about it.  My friend told me I need to look AMAZING and - what the fuck is THAT??  Amazing?  I can look CREATIVE!?  How about that?   Jesus - okay - well anyway - I went to a meeting this morning and went shopping - which I can not afford to do but I needed to get something if I was going to look amazing.  I bought a cute dress, a purse and some sensible (barf) heels.  I'm really not sure about the shoes or even who I am.  What the fuck am I doing?  I just want a job and I want health insurance and I want to take care of myself.  Am I aiming too high?  Am I aiming in the right direction even?  I have no idea - I really don't.  Well anyway - I'm going to keep trying to get a real job and that's that.  I love you and I'm going to speak at a meeting now I'm no just a completely vacuous shopper.  WOW - I need to get my period I am out of my MIND.  Bye.

Thursday, August 21, 2014


WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL.  We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time.  I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food.  Sounds great right?  We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???).  We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird).  Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better.  Today I feel better again.  Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in.  Actually I can look for another job.  I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening.  I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know.  Everything happens for a reason right?  Barf.  Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!!  Bye.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

5 things.

I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday.  I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it.  So - here they are.  1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you.  Pretty simple right?  How could I have never heard that?  Did I already write abou this?  Is anyone listening?  I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it.  BARF.  My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss.  I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha.  Bye.