Thursday, June 30, 2016

My Father Died.

Well that's dramatic but true.  I'm on their farm- it's 6:41 am - I've been up since 4:30.  Every night I wake up - I can't sleep.  He just passed away in his sleep Sunday night - no warning - no drama - no falling down - just went to sleep and that was that.  I'm so sad.  I'm so sad and I'm going to miss him so much.  30 baby chicks came in the mail yesterday - I went and picked them up from the post office.  When they brought them out from the back I could hear them chirping and I started crying.  He just wanted to be a farmer and he was.  That's it.  I just went and checked on the chicks and let the other chickens out - let the dogs out - made coffee.  Everyone is still sleeping.  I can fall asleep at night, I just can't stay asleep.  I wake up and remember and that's that.  My poor mother - she found him.  She thought he was just sleeping.  Peacefully sleeping.  Tomorrow is their wedding anniversary.  I'm just so sad.  I have tried to prepare myself for this but - well how can you?  How could I?  I'm just glad he didn't suffer.  My brother said he was so nice the day before - excited about his birthday party coming up and just really being so wonderful.  Ugh.  It's so beautiful here right now too.  It's so green and lush - birds everywhere and fire flies at night.  He died the same month he was born.  He died happy - can you imagine?  So naturally just like he wanted to. He didn't take medications - haha - which maybe he should have and he would have lasted longer.  I can sleep some other time I guess.  I'm so glad I'm sober - I'm so grateful.  This would be so hard drinking and it would have been so hard if I hadn't worked so hard to have a loving, healed relationship with him.  I certainly haven't accomplished much in my life but in my heart I am so proud that I loved my parents.  He knew I loved him and he loved me.  And honestly I'm not sure what else matters.  I mean besides  everything but I am so grateful I was able to at least clean that up.  Dear God.  So now everything is going to change.  But it always changes.  I'm lucky I got as much time as I did.  He had a hard life in many ways and yet he still had a lot of loving, soft parts.  And he was funny!  And gorgeous - holy cow - looking at all the pictures of him - his early Navy days, my parents wedding - he looks like a movie star.  Does everyone say that about their parents I don't know?  Anyway I'm crying and I'm not sure where/why/what is going to happen.  He just wanted me to be happy.  I mean - I just don't know what else I could ask for.  Paying off my student loans maybe?  That would have been nice.  These next couple of days are going to be so hard.  Today is the wake - tomorrow is the funeral.  I just want to see him - I haven't been able to see him yet - I mean no one has.  Ugh - life is so tender.  He loved my guy.  He loved my guy and wow - one thing about my father was if he didn't like you - he did not mess around.  you were either in - or out.  And when he didn't like a boyfriend - he knew it.  I guess he would be semi-polite but not really.  But he loved my guy.  Really spent time with him and bossed him around a ton - which meant he REALLY liked you.  Good lord.  This coffee I made is disgusting.  Haha - every morning.  Is it their coffee maker or me?  He had some specific formula for  grinding the coffee and the water and honestly - he probably took that secret with him.  I found out he had a Master's Degree.  That's why I was born in California my brother said - because he was getting his Master's.  I NEVER knew that.  I just want to live with heart.  Can I do that?  Be happy, live with heart and let myself free?  I'm not sure but it's the road I'm taking - at least for today.  Those baby chicks are crazy adorable.....I keep just walking around the farm and taking it in.  He always said it was so great I had this place to come to - from the city.  Oh love.  Oh life.  Oh love.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Real quick.

The computer needs to restart so I am going ot write really quickly.  As opposed to the lengthy times I have been giving in the recent past.  GOOD LORD - still crazy busy but it's my last week of class till September.  I'm burnt the fuck out and I need to get my life together her in my new home still and get my acting/comedy life together too.  I'm good with the decision - I need a little bit of a break.  I'm still going to be doing stuff anyway - I just won't be in class.  Okay so - so what else?  I don't know - I had the time to write today and I was so excited and now I feel like I don't have much to say.  Still super busy with work, shows, doing different things, meetings - the guy.  We went tot the beach this weekend and it was glorious.  I got sunburned for 8th million time in my life but not too bad.  I put on sunscreen but not till I got there - too much wind I think.  I'm okay today - I'm about to meditate.  I have class today and then I'm going to go to a meeting.  HA - I really don't have too much to say!  When does that ever happen?  Okay time to meditate/masturbate.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Exhausted.

Had a show last night - hosted, produced it.  Woke up at 5 this morning and went and waitressed for 9 hours.  Im finally home and Im so fucking tired.  I also had an audition yesterday morning.  Ah - ugh.  I have got to change my mindset somehow - I was about to write I never get anything but really  I just haven't gotten anything YET.  That's it.  Okay so in other horrifying news which I still cant really take in - my guy's daughter overdosed and is in the hospital.  Honestly I don't know if I can handle this.  His kids - it's too much.  It's so terrifying.  Ugh I don't know - I don't even know if I can keep writing - it's making me sick.  My neck hurts and Im exhausted.  I have my podcast tomorrow and class.  I just need a break I guess. Well anyway - ah - I don't know - who is equipped to handle anyone's children overdosing??  Im not supposed to be ready for that.  We will have to just talk about it - the poor guy.  He went to an alanon meeting which is good.   I have to go - I think Im going to go to bed at 9:30 - that sounds glorious to me.  I miss writing on here so much.  Ah - my life has changed and grown.....it's just what people say - we get sober and our life gets bigger.  I never really understood what that meant - I really didn't.  Now with class, this podcast, working, doing shows, my guy, meetings and more meetings and people - my life is bigger.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Day 2470.

So here I am on the couch - which is glorious - listening to lawns being mowed and it's still early in the morning.  10;05 a.m.  When I was still drinking - sometimes I would wake up at 10 a.m. and drink whatever was left over from the night before - warm beer, warm wine - and smoke more pot and then pass out again until 3:00 in the afternoon.  My poor dog.  Just sitting there - watching me kill myself.  What a horrible pet parent I was.  God - I'm sick thinking about it.  I mean I loved her - more than anything but still.  Jesus.  I am writing this and thinking why am I doing this to myself - why think about that - I don't know why.  I'm coming up on 7 years sober and it's terrifying.  It always gets scary near my anniversary.  I have to say this though - I can have compassion for myself for who I was then. I just couldn't get it.  I couldn't get sober.  I couldn't wrench myself away from it.  Ugh and now the crazy part is that I have a solution - the program and all the tools I have to use and if I don't use them - I'm just as crazy as I was when I was drinking.  Okay - but in a different way or rather without the relief.  How terrifying and overwhelming is that??  That's my experience anyway.  Okay so FUN TALKS.  Anyway I had a crazy dream last night that woke me up and actually scared me so badly I didn't want to get up and pee - which I needed to.  I just stayed in bed and went back to sleep.  I dreamed that I was on some big flat raft in the water - a huge body of water like that ocean only it was fairly still - not to wavy.  I was on the raft with my guy and a little boy with glasses.  All of a sudden from not too far away this giant creature came out of the water - sort of like how dolphins and whales do - arched out of the water and dove back in.  At first I thought maybe it was a whale but I realized it was some creature I have never seen before - It looked like a giant snake but also one I have never seen before and fatter - with a weird head - it had circular designs and scales around it's neck - it was fucking scary.  It didn't get thinner like a snake at the end and it had like a finless tail if that makes any sense.  So at first my guy was excited and said to the boy "Oh did you see that - cool!"  But I realized by the time it got back into the water that it was scary and then suddenly the little boy was gone.  I said where is he - the raft had gotten rocky form the creature and he must have gone overboard.  Well my guy jumps in the water to go save him - look for him - I don't see the boy anywhere.  Then suddenly I see a giant man underwater with flippers on and all sorts of scuba diving gear on and he had lights on and I wasn't sure why he was there - maybe he was looking for the creature.  Just then to the left the little boy comes sputtering out of the water and I scream there he is and I think oh he resurfaces thank God.  But just then he gets pulled under with a scream.  I see the guy go over and dive down to get him and that's when I woke up fucking terrified. I felt like my bed was on the water and I did not want to get up and pee because I was afraid of the creature.  UGH.  I should not read those dumb "24 photos of things right before the most traumatic moments in history" before bed.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Anyway I told my guy and he said I should write it down so I did.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEE!

Friday, May 27, 2016

Wow.

I can't believe i haven't written on here for so long! My poor baby blog.  This is so much harder than I thought it would be. Well so I'm working my ass off at this job and I'm still in my class which is going well. Hard and uncomfortable but I'm learning so much. My guy wants me to stop the class for the Summer - he wanted me to stop for June but I said no and then we got in a fight for 2 days. My solution of course was - oh well - I'm going to just live alone again and that's fine. Very much - go fuck yourself bye. Which of course is alcoholic and ridiculous. Anyway - things take time. Blending two lives together takes time. And let's face it - I don't clean, do dishes or laundry and that's annoying! So we have some stuff to iron out. I actually have the day off today - so I'm going to tberapy. Normally I would have class. I'm working on a 6 page monologue! Holy shit. Anyway. Well. I hope we can work it out - i do love my guy. I'm so sleepy! Okay bye. Miss you Bluebie!!

Monday, May 16, 2016

Sardines.

I just ate some sardines and some jasmine rice with  whole garlic cloves in it.  Something is wrong somewhere in or near my bladder so in case it's some sort of infection I have eaten 2 heads of garlic the last 2 days to try and ward it off.  Why the sardines?  Cheap and delicious - low calories and you can keep them on the shelf for like 95 years AND they are good for you.  Why am I writing about them?  Ego.  My ego wants you to know that I eat sardines.  My ego is telling me that if you know that I like - no LOVE to eat sardines - that you will think I'm super interesting.  You will think to yourself "WOW - she eats sardines?  Like an 80 year retired Navy officer??  That's SO quirky!!  Haha - that's SO interesting!  What other odd types of food does she like to eat that sets her so far apart from most people?"  That's what my ego says.  My ego is usually wrong.  I told my boyfriend I like to eat sardines and he said "Oh - are you embarrassed to tell me that I'm sorry."  He didn't realize I was BRAGGING.  UGH.  My ego is a dick.  Anyway I decided to go ahead and write about the sardines anyway - even after I realized that probably no one is going to be impressed by the fact that I like to eat sardines and entire heads of garlic.  I'm pretty sure that's what crazy people do but that being said - I did it for love and the sake of my bladder/I'm not sure what.  Ovaries?  I don't know - something hurts and you know what - 2 heads of garlic has to be better than antibiotics.  Riiiiiiight?  Good lord.  Okay LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Saturday, Day 2446

Wow!  Wooooow.  Two thousand four hundred and forty six days sober.  Hmmm.  Crazy and wonderful.  I'm at home - the guy went back to Home Depot to return the groovy glass bowl we bought to put some plants in.  It doesn't have a drain hole so it won't work.  Why was it in the plant pot section?  I don't know.  Bye bye groovy glass bowl.  So I'm home today, spending time with the guy and doing some home stuff.  I spoke at a women's meeting this morning and I'm starting to love this little town.  And it is so little!  The population is like 25 people.  Okay like 5000 but still.  Tiny.  Anyway so I'm here and it's good and when he gets back we are going to have a big talk.  I'm not sure about what but I hope we will be okay through it.  What else?  I did decide I want to get a new sponsor - that's weird but I feel okay about it.  I feel nervous because I'm worried she will be mad but that's not what I should be focusing on - plus I don't think she will care really.  So what else?  I'm okay - my class is going really well - things changed which is great because things were not good there for a little while.  I'm almost feeling like I could stop for a bit and just try to work - but maybe that's crazy - maybe not.  I am - what - what else?  Um - I can't remember - oh yes - my comedy has seemed to dry up!  I'm not getting any shows and this week I didn't even call in my avails.  BUT - I suddenly feel like it's okay.  I mean - I just don't know how I can at this point - do it in a healthy way and work this job, take this class, have a relationship and stay sober.  So I guess for now I will be doing it about once a week.  Um - well - okay.  That seems so crazy to me but - also - what do I know?  I need sleep - that's what I know and I need to take care of my life and my relationship.  Maybe I moved here too soon and I should have waited until July but I didn't so well anyway - who knows - maybe I was never meant to do comedy like that - I don't know!  I can be a funny actress - I love that so much too and I feel like - well I feel like I am helpful in that way anyway.  Um - what?  WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?  You know.  I know.  I'm talking about life.  My teeny tiny sober life.  All the trees and flowers have bloomed here and there is fresh air and so much sunshine.  There are cute little birds shitting everywhere and I love listening to them.  The other morning I came out and there was a fat little bunny in the front garden!  I mean calling it a garden is -  extreme - but there are two little gardens in the front of the house and there was a bunny in it!  He hopped right out when he saw me.  So fucking cute.  Fat little brown bunny.  Okay I gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.