Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ugh.

I have felt so much better lately having decided that my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.  Then I had the most lovely weekend with the guy - we went to the beach yesterday and made dinner last night - it was glorious and fun - so great.  Today we got and went jogging - okay I jogged a little and he jogged a lot more while I walked.  Then I came back to the city and went to New Jersey to a meeting at my sponsor's sponsor's house.  Oh boy - well it was a long trip - from 1:00 - 7:30 and honestly I wanted to jump out of the car at the Holland Tunnel and walk back to the city?  I felt like there was something wrong with me but the reality is probably everyone else felt that way too.  It was a gorgeous day, the meeting was outside which was amazing, there was lovely snacks and it was GREAT but I just don't know - no I do know - I do.  I'm so alanonic and worried about everyone else and their feelings and fucking BARF on a fucking turd slice.  Holy shit.  It's so confusing.  I mean I am beyond grateful to be sober but honestly I have to figure out how to not be so effected by other people and their stuff - their feelings - I just can't.  I mean who can?  I feel like this antennae that is just like zeroed in on people's reactions and - uncomfortableness and ugh - whatever.  Anyway.  My mind is kind of - I don't know what - fogged.  I will figure it out I guess - I will do the work I need to do in order to not feel this way.  Good night my sweetest Blueb.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Day 1850.

Holy shit - that's a lot of days.  So I have been super busy trying to get my shit together to sell this jewelry line - which has been so totally fun.  I didn't even know I liked jewelry!  It's challenging - I'm a disaster with technology and for the first couple of days I lost my mind being desperate.  Now I have calmed down and I'm just treating it like a game to see if I could possible do this - no pressure - which is a million times better.  I want to be able to have my own shop one day, health insurance, a beautiful - but small and easy to clean home, be able to travel and buy gifts for my family and loved ones, maybe adopt a baby an a dog or 12 that need rescuing - and this will let me see if I could possibly own my own business or not.  Also - I had no idea - 1 how much women (and dudes - gay dudes - or transitioning dudes) love jewelry and 2 - oh wow - I forgot what 2 was.  OH!  That I even like jewelry!  IT's SO fun and can make an outfit COMPLETELY different.  I started wearing the jewelry and people started saying how much better I look.  Well fuck them - I looked fine before but anyway from a research point of view - it's interesting.  So I hosted a show last night which was totally fun and made it to only 20 minutes of a meeting but still - I got there.  I'm meeting a newcomer at a meeting today and then going and getting a mammogram.  I REALLY don't want to but I guess - gross - well I'm getting older and that's what we have to do I guess.  I was supposed to go this morning but I turned off my alarm and fell asleep for 2 more hours.  Ha!  I want to tie my jewelry line up with a charity so I can give back right away.  I just loved my dog and all of my animals throughout my life so much - so I think I'm going to find some sort of rescue and link up with them.  I just want to give back to the Universe somehow.  WOW - I am slow moving today - I need to get to praying & meditating so I can meet this girl at the meeting.  Okay - I love you Bluebie bye!!!

Monday, September 22, 2014

Whelp....

It's hard to write here all the time what with getting laid all the time.  Juuust kidding.  I guess I only need to complain about myself a few times a week.  I went to an alanon meeting tonight and everyone talked about their drinking - that was weird.  I feel better - I had a nice weekend.  I was so tired on Saturday and I had been out all day and I was supposed to get on the train in Harlem and go see the guy - I had my period - I felt so awful and I was surrounded by laundry and I was having a meltdown.  Do you know what he did?  He came and picked me up and then he DID MY LAUNDRY.  I know - I fucking totally know.  It was so fucking nice - I mean there's a washer and drier at his house - but still - STILL.  I was like totally blown away even more but even more than being blown away more - I just appreciated it so much.  So I made him a ceaser salad.  That was nice right?  Well.  So.  Wow - I just got so tired - I was so busy at the store today - which was great. Did I tell you how I'm the only person in my acting class this whole month?  Isn't that so crazy?  Jeez - even a year ago it would have been a dream come true.  But now I am in love with my guy and well - I guess it's great to have the one on one time with a teacher.  Last week he told me his whole workout schedule and - well literally his whole schedule.  Then he told me how he has trouble dating because he doesn't understand women.  I really wanted to say "Why don't you just try LISTENING to them instead of just constantly talking about yourself??"  But you know - he'll figure it out.  I'm working on Shakespeare so that's fun.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Switch.

Well after another horrible day yesterday and feeling really scared about how not well I was - I had a totally cathartic experience at a Natalie Merchant concert last night.  I'm not really even a fan or I wasn't anyway but there was some kind of tectonic shift that happened and I feel SO much better.  First of all as soon as we got there my guy went to the bathroom and while he was in there some man collapsed in front of me.  It was crazy - he was in his 60s and my instinct said it wasn't good so I offered to call 911 which they said not to - there was a nurse in the house.  Okaaay so I waited until it was clear that he was really not fucking okay and then I called - which I will never wait again - but well - finally the medics came and he - well I don't know - it made my thoughts about myself dissipate.  Plus at this point his wife was kind of hysterical - of course and I just was shook up.  So we go to the concert and it was AMAZING.  This gospel singer Corliss Stafford broke my heart wide open and there was this super hot chick drummer.  I don't know - I just sat there crying and listening (and trying not to kill the fucking bizarre woman who was eating popcorn throughout the WHOLE concert like a fucking psycho) and I found myself thinking "WHO GIVES A SHIT?  WHO FUCKING CARES I'M DONE."  But in a really great way.  I can't really explain it - I was just like fuck it - I'm doing everything in a completely different way now - that's it - none of this has worked (I'm not talking about sobriety or the guy) and that's it - I just want to be sober - get my alanon shit together and just do things completely in a different direction - that's it - turn it around and fuck it.  So there you go - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Responsible Feelings.

Well - so I went to alanon last night and I felt a million times better and re-remembered for the umteenth time how codependent and responsible I feel for other peoples feelings and how angry it makes me.  So okay - good.  This morning I was sitting next to this woman on the subway - well actually she was sort of sitting ON me rather - she got on after me and did that weird sat right next to me even though there are seats all over the place thing and she had this giant bag that was resting on me.  She seemed sad and upset and I really was annoyed.  But I was also worried about her feelings.  I mean she was upset - I hated feeling that and I was also annoyed that her purse was laying all over me.  So when I finally got off the express train to the local I felt so relived to be away from her energy and I just realized how not responsible I am for my own feelings.  I didn't liek the way she felt and I could have gotten up and moved - that simple.  And I'm not repsonsible for that woman's feelings or anyone else's - I'm responsible for my own.  Only I'm not all the time - I'm too worried about other people and what is happening with them and how to navigate aroudn their feelings.  HOLY SHIT THAT SUCKS.  I have pms.  Thank you.  I just realized I need to be responsible for my own feelings - that's it.  Which is terrifying because on some level I feel like I don't matter enough.  Everyone else does.  Gross. Bye.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pile of Shit.

I feel like a pile of shit.  I just don't feel well.  Emotionally.  Spiritually.  I think it's because I need alanon and what I don't understand or at least up until about an hour ago - I didn't understand WHY suddenly I'm so alanonic and fucked up.  I mean I just feel BAD and tired and I can't get anything done.  I was so tired last night that I went to bed at 9:50.  I have no idea why this is writing in italics right now what the fuck.  I really don't.  Um okay well whatever I'm just going to keep writing.  Oh I guess I somehow hit the Italics button????  Okay now I'm flustered.  Anyway so I'm tired and I'm not getting any relief from AA meetings so tonight I am going to an alanon meeting because the other girl who works here asked me to switch my schedule for her - because of her baby blah, blah - husband - blah, blah - etc and I ALMOST HAVE LOST MY MIND OVER IT.  I'm offended she asked and I couldn't for the life of me say no even though my reason for saying no was because I just don't want to - it just feels wrong.  Not for certain days but for the day she asked.  I just reread the email and it is SO manipulative - which I get and I have been.  I don't know - I just feel crazy and out of control with money and I need another job - not to switch this job around more - you know??  I have been upset ALL DAY.  I had one thing I really needed to do here today and it took me all day to do it.  I'm sad I'm such a mess and when the holy mother fuck am I going to get my power back?  I just can't seem to get it.  That being said on Saturday I had the nicest day with the guy.  We went to the movies and made dinner - it was so great - he's so great - so kind and sweet to me.  Patient.  I'm going to call a sponsee.  I don't want to but I'm going to.  Not only am I alanonic I'm so self-centered right now it's unreal.  Or very, very real.  I wanted that to be funny but it's just pathetic.  Love you Bluebie - let's keep moving forward.  What?

Friday, September 12, 2014

Down day.

Why does this keep happening?  I don't feel great today although I was able to wake up, get myself to the doctor, buy my cousin's babies presents and get to a meeting.  Also I ate an egg and cheese from an Upper West Side Jewish deli that was the most delicious and bizarre thing I have ever had.  It was on this giant what I guess was potato roll (it was yellow) with sesame seeds and it and I don't know - it was just delicious.  And expensive - holy fuck.  Anyway - well I'm here in my apartment and I did the dishes and what else?  I was supposed to do a show tonight but I can't get there in time after THERAPY (what omg) and so I had to cancel.  What am I doing?  I was on such an upswing for 2 days.  I had an audition - my hair looked good - ugh.  Now I feel hairy & fat and my hair is a mess.  Also I let them give me a couple of vaccines at the doctor's and it scared the shit out of me.  Here is where I think Alanon stuff kicks in for me.  It's so fucking hard for me to take care of myself - it really is and then I'm so fucking hard on myself.  Also I'm scared about money and I did go buy a play to work on for class on Tuesday.  That didn't make any sense and one thing has nothing to do with the other I am just trying to say that I DID SOMETHING TODAY aaand I am scared about money.  Lord have ever loving mercy I am a mess.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.