Monday, January 16, 2017

Depression - The Other White Meat

Christ I am blue.  I just feel so fucking sad.  I can think of a ton of reasons why but the only one that really makes sense is that I am actually depressed.  Like a chemical thing.  It's okay.  I'm dressed, I'm clean, I'm going to do a seminar, I'm fed and I have had plenty of coffee, green tea and vitamins.  PLENTY.  I can't help but think some of this is from drinking way too much coffee so I have burnt out my serotonin or something somehow.  I don't know - Winter stinks that's all.  Over the weekend people told me that tutors get paid a ton of money per hour - which I had no idea and so now I feel like these French fuckers are taking advantage of me.  This is the thing though - um - Im not a tutor - hello.  I am helping them yes but not with math!  Not at all - can't do it.  I'm basically a babysitter.  I don't know - I think I'm going to take some classes and figure out how to become a tutor next.  Till then I can get some experience here.  I am fucking exhausted.  Jesus.  I literally barely did anything today and I took a nap and I'm so tired.  See?  I'm depressed.  It's okay.  I'm just going to keep saying that - it's okay.  It feels necessary and I'm not sure why.  I miss my mother.  I feel like I should leave her alone because she is grieving and she has my other sister there.  Ah - it's so sad to me.  Ugh - I am just a ball of uncomfortable feelings.  The worst - it's sickening.  Do you know what makes me feel better?  Friends.  I just watch Friends.  All the time.  Every night.  Sometimes during the day.  It's the only thing besides cooking that makes me feel better.  I mean getting on stage does but good Lord - that just doesn't happen enough.  At all.  I need to hustle and get some shows.  Trying to hustle when I am depressed is like trying to scream in a dream - it doesn't happen.  Okay - well this has been lovely no?  Wish me luck and a broken leg on this seminar - love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, January 6, 2017

Well Here I Am - I Brought Me With Me

So now I am spending all this time at home which I thought I would love but now I'm finding it depressing.  I guess because I am so stresses about getting the kids and doing the job right that I am just sitting here in anticipation.  The first day did not go well.  It was raining and I parked in the wrong spot at the school, which was a MAD HOUSE of cars and angry mothers - no one would help me and I was TERRIFIED because I couldn't remember what the kids looked like and I knew they didn't know my car.  I finally got them after a mother literally screamed at me from her car.  Of course I thought she was going to be nice so when she started to roll down her window I smiled and waved.  Man - let me tell you what - there is nothing more horrifying than a mother with horrible plastic surgery screaming at you "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!  YOU CAUSED THAT WHOLE MESS BACK THERE!!"  Which I didn't - there was another car in front of me and like 10 to the other side of me.  Anyway then I - you know what I'm not even going to get into it.  The point is once again I am doing what I want to do and I am miserable.  I guess it's safe to say I am deeply unhappy about something else.  How can I have done all this work on myself for all these years and I'm STILL so uncomfortable and miserable?  I know I am not being patient and letting myself see if this can work out but it's SO FUCKING BORING and it's so consuming of my energy.  I don't see how I can do this and do shows and go on auditions?  And the whole time I can't figure out if these kids like me and if I am even doing a good job.  I'm so worried about them and yet is this even working for me?  They are sweet - the parents seem very nice.  Is it a good fit?  I have no idea.  I'm so confused.  I wouldn't say this is fulfilling me in anyway but I guess it's not supposed to.  WHAT IS WWORNG WITH ME?  Why am I so engulfed in my own feelings all the time?  CHRIST.  And still - I have no fucking energy.  I'm so fucking tired all the time.  I put myself to sleep.  I pray & meditate.  I write in my journal.  I have been exercising.  Maybe I need to dance and listen to music.  That would help.  Right?  OH BOY.  What is good?  What is positive?  I went grocery shopping last night after an alanon meeting and that was great.  I had fun grocery shopping.  Oh my GOD - HOLY Fuck - it's like I am a 85 year old retired woman.  Good God.  I have never even had a career and now I'm retired.  I need LIFE.  I need A LIFE.  I need passion and inspiration.  I NEED TO LAY DOWN.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, December 31, 2016

2016.

What a year.  I'm going to say what I am grateful for and it's going to be hard.  Saying positive things is difficult for me.  I can feel my chest tighten just thinking about being positive.  It's not as hard for me to be grateful.  I am very grateful.  I guess because being grateful is going out of me and being positive about me is going in and I have trouble receiving.  One time I said to my manager at work that I was working on "receiving."  He looked at me and said "You know what?  You are fucking crazy chick you know that?"  Hahaha - oh my God.  I really thought he was going to say how impressed he was.  I am really laughing thinking about that.  Anyway.  Well I am doing good at avoiding this so far which is fun.  Wait - did I just contradict myself?  I said I want to be grateful which I can do but not be positive?  Arent they the same things?  Oh man.  WOW.  Well okay here we go.  I am so grateful I stayed sober in 2016.  It was a hard year - moving, losing my father, changing jobs 3 times, getting a new homegroup, ending a relationship with a sponsee, getting a new sponsor.  This morning I went to my women's meeting and it was so wonderful!  The anniversary meeting.  That meeting helped get me acclimated to here and start to get a sober network.  Im grateful I have a new homegroup and that I start doing service there next week.  Im grateful I learned to drive in the city this year!  I love this little town and now I have a grocery store and CVS.  What else?  The bank.  It's really for me what helps so much - knowing where these things are and being able to go to them with ease.  I love our apartment and I love living with my guy.  He's so funny and I am so grateful for that.  He laughs at me and it's the best thing in the world.  I'm even more in love with him!  Haha and I can tell theres quite a few women in our group that are too!  That's okay - its so cute.  I am really grateful my career has grown a little bit.  It's so slow but it has happened.  My family.  My friends.  My friends in sobriety and my friends spread out around the world.  Isn't life amazing?  Today I can see how lucky I am because I am in my life.  I have been given this gift of sobriety and to be able to LIVE sober.  I don't ever have to sit alone dumping booze down my throat, dry humping a radiator.  I mean I can still dry hump the radiator I guess if I WANT to and from a not shameful place.  I can do it from a place of power!  LOOK AT ME - I AM DRY HUMPING A RADIATOR AND I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Okay the guy is going to be home soon.  Gotta go get ready for 2017.  Going to clean and go for a walk and get my office a little more put together and do some writing.  Yes.  Yes!  I am grateful I am jogging.  Or whatever it is called that I do.  Today I just feel grateful and I am not kidding - for that I am grateful.  I hope I don't lose that.  It is really the keys to the Kingdom.  Did someone slip me some Molly?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

CONFIDENCE

That's what I want in 2017.  I am reading a book by Deepak Choprah - my Lord and Savior - and he says, in it, to write down everything you want.  Did I say this already?  It's called "The Fulfillment of Spontaneous Desire."  I think.  Oh my God!  What is it called?  Hold on.  YES - yes that's what its called.  Okay so I did that.  Now I am doing it more and I want some fucking confidence.  It is so fucking elusive to me.  How on earth can anyone get anywhere without it?  There are so many actors and comedians who STINK and they are SO CONFIDENT!  WOW.  I mean maybe they don't stink maybe they just stink to me.  SEE!???  I cant even just confidently say someone stinks when THEY STINK.  Ugh - okay.  Ooooookaaaay.  I have to get ready just blew my mind when I realized that.  I was going to write about how I realized we heal - how that is such a huge part of recovery and how I have forgotten that.  I think I just thought I was broken forever - you know?  But we heal.  Our feelings heal, our bodies heal - things heal.  Life heals.  UGH.  I guess my CONFIDENCE CAN HEAL!!!   Heeyaaaaa.  Bye.

Monday, December 26, 2016

If Feelings Were Made of Chocolate I Would Still Eat Them

All that dram and then we get to the farm and my mother wasn't that sick and everything was fine.  Or as fine as any holiday can ever be with a whole shitload of family.  It was so nice though and my mother was so happy we were there.  I cooked for TWO days while my sister bossed me around which was SO FUN.  Ha.  My other sister TRIED to boss me around but I gently and calmly asked her to go relax.  The food was fucking amazing THANK GOD and we had a great although super sad Christmas.  My brother made this - I don't know what you call it - a frame thing that has my father's American flag that they gave my mother at his funeral and all his medals and whatever those things are called that he wore on his uniform.. And a picture of him SO YOUNG in his first uniform from the service!  Holy shit it made my mother cry and you know it's hard to imagine - she's not a huge crier.  I cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  She cries but she - she keeps it together.  Man - she is one strong lady.  She is truly a woman of grace and dignity.  I don't even know how she does it.  Its pretty fucking inspiring.  I was rubbing the roast for dinner last night with this garlic pepper rub that I made and she asked me how it was going.  I said "It's pretty fucking disgusting but I'm doing it!"  She was like "Oh - you really have a poetic way of putting things."  Haha - maybe I should try to not curse so fucking much in 2017.  I can't help it - I just love it.  It really punches up a conversation and TRULY gets a point across.  For me - for me.  So anyway - yeah.  Okay the guy is going to be back soon.  Get to spend a late afternoon with him.  He was such wonderful company over the holiday.  He's a woman of grace and dignity too.  Unreal.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.  Oh!  ps - I ate my feelings all weekend and then I felt sick.  It looks like I am going to go ahead and have to learn how to just FEEL THEM.  Maybe.  Maybe.

Friday, December 23, 2016

Hard Christmas.

My mother is sick. I mean I think she just doesn't feel well but it's so scary and I just can't imagine how she is feeling. Without her husband at Christmas for the first time in 55 years. My crazy sister is being crazy and of course it makes everything harder. I just MISS my father. It just sucks. 2 of my friends that always sent Christmas cards didn't send them. They are both people who I made amends to but it always seems like they are mad at me and I never send them Christmas cards. I don't know - I'm kind of spiraling down. I'm so grateful for my guy but I'm so sad we don't have any money. I can't get him anything for Christmas. You know what? I just don't feel well. I came into the city for therapy and all the e tea people because of the holiday made it harder. I'm just upset and probably feeling too much for myself. I need some water too. Okay well - this has been a sad sack of a check in. Happy Christmas Blog O My Heart.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Bored.

I'm just a little bored at the moment.  Waiting to go to an alanon meeting which I dare say isn't going to be less boring BUT I will feel better afterwards.  I am trying to get babysitting jobs and WOW - so tricky.  People don't want to pay much at all but they want A LOT.  I swear to God some of these ads say something like this "We need a part-time sitter with their own car willing to drive our kids from school to after school activities, make them dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, make sure the kids rooms are clean, help them with homework, take out the dogs, take care of the cats, read to them before bed - help with meal prep and they LOVE arts & crafts and outdoor activities!!  Pays $10-$12 an hour."  Um - what?  I don't even do all that for MYSELF.  Jesus.  Well anyway - oh and they always have 3 kids.  Lol!  Why would you WANT someone to watch your kids for $10 an hour?  What lunatic would do that?  Me in 3 weeks when I can't get anyone to pay me what I'm looking for.  Oye - anyway.  Oh well - the people I talked to today were really nice - I really liked the woman - she was goofy and funny.  Oh my God - I am so tired and it's only 6:32.  I swear to God I drank like 7 cups of coffee today.  I'm going to have to cut back - I don't even think it WORKS anymore.  Gotta go.  I miss my father - it's so sad and surreal he's not around.  It just seems like he went to the store.  It happened so fast.  Aw.  Ugh - love you Bluebie bye.