Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Ugh - I was going to write why - but who cares? I just am - I'm so grumpy. Ugh - it will get better and it will shift and change. Hopefully after I walk to this meeting and after I walk to class. Usually the walking helps make me feel better and - dear GOD - I can't help any more people. There's this one woman who comes in here - at least once a week when I'm working and she looks and asks questions AND NEVER BUYS ANYTHING EVER. She always acts like a VICTIM which is EXACTLY WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW. Ohh boy. A customer said that to me the other day. He asked me for something while I was doing something else and I was flustered and he said "OH - I didn't mean to put you out this early in the morning (yes - like a douche). So I said "Ohhh - are you being passive aggressive (all sing-songy - go fuck yourself type way)?" Then he said "Oh boy. Ohhh boy." I laughed like a turd and walked away and then 10 minutes later the rest of his party arrived and they were my table - OF COURSE. Then he said "I have to apologize - I AM passive aggressive!" SO I said "Good job - you did it!" Ohhhh boy. That was nice right? He must have had a halfway decent mother or he has grown tremendously from a bad one. Oh my God - what? What am I talking about? I'm so out of it - okay bye Bluebie bye.
Monday, December 9, 2013
I'm heating up the stew I made last night while I slept and I added green beans. I am so tired. Hello - I'm going to make myself an ice cream cone. I am not even kidding you - I love my new job and I love coming home and putting on pajamas SO MUCH. It is so amazingly cozy to put on comfy clothes after running around all day. Okay - so I worked and I wen to the audition and it was a disaster. Whatever - it happens. All in all I had no real point in being there and I wasn't really prepared and I ALSO COULDN'T REMEMBER HER NAME - UGH. She said "Bye - and my name" and I said "Bye." AWKWARD. But also I asked her what she was working on and she went on and on about being in between projects and crunch time and she "wants a break but isn't getting one so YEAH - thanks for coming in." What the fuck is that? She totally did not even answer. I went to my friends party - Larni met me there and do you know I didn't have time to get her a present and the only thing that was opened around was a sex shop so I got her a sexy Santa outfit. She's hot as shit and dresses like whore - PROUDLY - and she loved it. It was another girls' birthday also and I got her a gift certificate for a manicure. I spent more than I should have but - come on - how amazing is it that I showed up to a party with gifts? Because I'm not being completely a maniac with my money I could do that. AND HELLO - if I had my shit together more I could have gotten them cheaper presents SOONER. Note to self. Oh my God - my mother was always giving our teachers homemade jam in jars as gifts. With a bow. She was so far ahead of the curve with those jam jars. I'm not kidding you - this stew is fucking amazing. Holy shit. Okay - so whatever - I have no idea what I was going to say. My teacher called me and left such a nice message and I went to listen to it and obsess over it 50 times and I DELETED IT instead. Oh WHY? Haha - I would have been listening to that for a year. Okay - I love you Bluebie - you are so nice to come home to - too.
Sunday, December 8, 2013
I waitressed all day, went to a meeting, did some more grocery shopping (I FORGOT THE PEANUT BUTTER!!!!) and then came home and made more beef stew in the crockpot. Can I tell you how fucking happy making that beef stew made me??? All I did was cut up some onions, peel some garlic, put the broth and the carrots and everything in a pot and it made me SO HAPPY. How do I love to cook so much after serving people all day? I absolutely adore cooking. I didn't even really do anything but it was so satisfying - so calming - so WARM. Okaaaay - last night I boiled 4 eggs and it was thrilling. Haha - whoa. So - yeah I don't know - I started to read that book again - Creativity and Flow and this guy is so scientific and blah, blah, blah about the science of creativity but what I just read blew my mind. He said - basically the successful, creative people never stop being creative first of all - and most of all - THE LOVE IT MORE THAN ANYHTHING. I have no idea if that's what he totally said and I'm too fucking tired to lean over and look at the book but love - he said they love what they do - and what I always hear people say is they would do it no matter what. So for me - right now - is that acting? I don't know - I mean I do know I'm just afraid to say it but yes - I love acting more than anything and performing on any level. Am I in love with comedy right now? No - or I don't know - not how I've been doing it - or how I used to do it. I need to regroup - rethink - reframe. Yes - and flow the love and the warmth. Keep learning - keep going, keep FLOWING. I'm so tired - I have to be up to work again tomorrow morning and I have a long day also. Work, an audition, my friend's party and then my boutique work week. good lord - you would think just working at jobs were what I love! HAHAHahahaaaa - sigh. Whatever - I'm grateful for these jobs - beyond. Love you Bluebie - bye.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Okay - yesterday I had a great day - I really did - I got up, picked up my headshots, went to the audition and passed it this time, dropped off pictures to my new manager, went and got my check, went to a meeting, went to therapy, went to class - came home. GREAT! It was raining all day and I still loved it. Today - today I worked for 9 hours at the new job and then at the end of the day someone fucked up so we couldn't get paid - UGH. Now the guy who hired me is leaving and he scheduled me for the whole week of Christmas AND - AND for the days of the new year - WHEN I WORK AT THE STORE. But he is leaving so what does he care. But I went to that lesbian meeting again and that made me feel so much better. I stayed for the whole thing and I came home and bought myself groceries and took out the trash, put on the humidifier with grapefruit oil in it and burned some incense. I have on my pj's and I ate some yummy food. I mean years ago I couldn't even put on pj's - I couldn't let myself be that comfortable. And listen if it doesn't work out at this job that's fine because I want to ACT and do COMEDY and make MOVIES and have fun AND GET PAID FOR IT. Do you know who the worst people in the world are? People who want eggs at 8 in the morning only for some bizarre reason they don't want to make it themselves. I guess it's all the way too early eaters and way too late eaters - they just suck balls. Anyway - so well - I am going to concentrate on doing my best at this job but realizing it might be a total cluster fuckness with this guy leaving - holy fuck. Or not - who knows. Whatever - I'm sober - that's good right? Thank God for that and what else? I still love my teacher - oh my GOD more than ever. He helped me so much with the audition!! But that's HIS JOB - ugh - it's not because he loves me. HAhahahhahahHA - I'm 14 years old. Ew. Barf. I have to go. I love you and your cyber Blueberriness.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
I'm not getting back into the swing of comedy - I'm so fucking tired and I'm SORE and seriously - the super never, ever, EVER stops smoking cigarettes. I'm too in this - I'm too up close to myself - I'm losing it. I feel depressed that's all. I went to this little tiny, gay mens meeting and I felt SO MUCH BETTER afterwards. I just need rest I guess. I'm crazy PMS or something. I took Advil, I will take a bath and do some yoga. I'm just lonely and miserable - UGH. Okay - time to stop writing again - it's just so scary - I've been so much better and now - I'm crazy again. But - well - tomorrow is a new day. Right? I mean it is - whatever. Okay - bye. UGH.
So grumpy - I feel so gross. I have an audition tomorrow - one I set up myself and now I wonder if I shouldn't have done that. I worked with my teacher - did I write about this already? I'm losing my mind. I feel gross - so bloated and gross and ALONE. FAT AND ALONE. UGH. I did just drink a lot of water - THAT SHOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING. Well - oh well - I guess dreary, dark, miserable, fat days happen. Okaaaay - so I need a meeting. I just can't stand how it smells anywhere. I think I'm going to move to California with one of my sisters. I'm so bored and I can't stand how this city smells anymore and nothing is happening here for me. I mean I guess I have to accept I'm not going to get to have children - okay - fine - I need to stop writing - I'm seriously - a wreck right now. Bye Bluebie - I love you.
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
I worked at the store today and I had to rearrange the whole place so I really had to WORK today - blech. I worked on my audition after work with my teacher, ran over to my friends and wrote a little bit and ran back to the studio to rehearse for class. Do you know I ordered food from this place this morning and they have the best hot sauce and I always ask for it and they always forget it - or they forgot it once or twice. Anyway they forgot it today and when I called back the guy said "Yeah he will bring it" and then HUNG UP ON ME!! I was so mad!! Oh my GOD - it's not my fault you have amazing hot sauce or that you gave it to me by mistake once and that's how I know I even LIKE IT. Jerks. SO I called him BACK AGAIN and I said "he doesn't have to bring it and you hung up on me and that wasn't nice!!" And he said sorry and the guy brought the hot sauce and I'm never ordering there again. I ate that hot sauce and tried to figure out how to make that meal I ordered at home. How can I ever order there again? One time I ordered chicken and they brought tofu instead (this was before I even KNEW about the hot sauce) and I ate it and then ordered tofu from them all the time. What turds. I was proud of myself that I called them back and it WASN'T nice that he hung up on me!! Well at least I'm over it. Well so I am exhausted now - I need to go to sleep. Oh boy - my teacher doesn't love me dear blog - however not? Who cares. I guess I am growing in the direction of warmth. What? I mean it's not fun to pine for someone who isn't interested. Oh my GOD I need to sleep - I love you Bluebie bye.