Thursday, October 23, 2014

So tired.

I'm so tired and this jewelry business is so hard and growing very, so, slowly.  Oh.  Oh I don't know what to say - I'm being super hard on myself right now - it's early in the morning.....I just need coffee and to take a shower.  I'm so terrified about money.  I just don't get what's happening right now.  A lot of drama in my head I guess - for starters.  I'm so uncomfortable.  Well - okay - time to pray & meditate and make the most - the best I can of this day.  I missed my doctor's appointment yesterday - I just totally forgot to go.  Then I got a bill for something - oh that fucking mammogram - that I already paid for and the great news is I finally got paid for that movie I worked on last year.  $50.00.  I had to fight for that $50.00.  Love you Blueberry.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

New class.

This new class is packed with talent and WOW - there has been a TON of famous people who have studied with this man and won Oscars.  He's a fucking legend this man.  I swear to God though I thought he was having a stroke tonight in class and then I realized he was just going over in his head the piece the guy was working on - hilarious.  I feel so grateful to be in this class.  I feel very shy and uncomfortable.  VERY VERY VERY, VERY uncomfortable.  I had my own giant ego rearing it's head tonight but who cares - it happens and next time I can go back and work from a different place.  It's so crazy because everyone in the class is funny.  Also not everyone works and there is so little ego in the class it's crazy.  One chick wasn't very nice to me on the way out - but - well - women are always like that at first aren't they?  Fuuuuuck her - she will love me in three weeks.  Maybe.  I'm so tired - love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Stress.

I'm in my bed.  My sheets are clean and so are my teeth and my face.  I'm working hard at my job and I'm working hard at the jewelry thing even though I feel like nothing is happening.  I got business cards made and I feel like that alone is so MONUMENTAL I can't even tell you.  I've never been able to do that before.  I just feel sad though because I don't know what I'm doing.  I really - for real this time - have no clue what I'm doing.  Well - okay - I'm working slowly at it - but every day and I'm slowly doing everything else.  Comedy, acting - okay.  I'm so tired.  I just feel like such a mess - and I can not see how any of this is going to work out.  Maybe it won't.  Maybe I will just get a full-time job at Tiffany's and that will be that.  I have to go to sleep - I'm so tired.  I had a full, long day and I went to a meeting and I did the best I could today.  I do feel that's true.  Am I being nice to myself - that's terrifying.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.  ps It's time to grow up.

Monday, October 13, 2014

So much laundry and so little time.

When was the last time I wrote on here?  I don't know - all I know id I haven't done laundry for at least 3 weeks and tomorrow I have no more underwear - or at least not functional underwear.  I only have the weird underwear left - the uncomfortable ones that don't fit right and I'm not sure why I keep them.  There's one pair that I swear gives me a yeast infection every time I wear them because they are loose lace and they bunch in my cooch.  Thank you.  I spent almost 2 hours in Forever 21 today trying on clothes and the whole time I was like - oh I have this already it's in the laundry.  Oh whatever - because I waited so long to do laundry it's too much and I can't even seem to attempt it.  If this is the most difficult problem I have today I dare say I am blessed.  I went to see my parents this weekend and it was so nice on the farm and so nice to spend time with them.  I got to see one of my best friends and take a couple of walks along the river by her house.  I miss the guy so much.  I got to see him Friday night but that was it till Tuesday.  I made a mistake and didn't go to a meeting Wednesday and then because of the class Thursday I couldn't go - Friday I had work and therapy so I couldn't go and on Saturday I tried to go at my parents but the meeting wasn't happening and there were no other meetings that night.  So what's the lesson?  Whenever I hear myself saying "I just don't feel like it" - whatever it is - I BETTER FUCKING DO IT.  Like right now for example.  I don't feel like doing laundry but I better do it.  Self-care.  Jesus - I almost just bought new clothes instead of doing laundry.  UGH.  Why did I just eat 10 chicken wings?  IM GETTING FAT AGAIN BLUEBERRY.  The heat came on - I can smell it.  I guess Summer is really over.  SO BIZARRE.  Even more bizarre is I'm watching the news.  I can NOT hear Ebola one more time - what the fuck?  Wasn't there always Ebola?  That's probably the dumbest thing to say now I have to google it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Day 1864.

I took the class and it was great.  He laughed at my song I did as a monologue (they all did) and the class had tons of great work in it.  It was SO fucking long - 4 hours - and it meets twice a week - but it was great.  I'm so shocked to suddenly be in this different class - it's so great.  He's so funny this new teacher - I had no idea - I'm very excited for that.  Well actually I mean he loves funny.  I was only on stage briefly but it was fine.  I prepared and did my work.  It was so hard to memorize the lyrics to my song as opposed to singing it - isn't that so crazy?  I pushed a little bit during the monologue so that - well - what was great about that - was I stopped.  Yeah.  There was a girl who was super pushing during her "rehearsal" (which is what he calls it when you work onstage) and so I was very sensitive to that.  It's SO tricky to know when it's pushing vs. sitting on the energy.  I mean - pushing vs. getting it out of you because that's what is called for.  Yes.  Okay so I'm not selling too much jewelry but I did already start donating from the profits I have made to an animal rescue so that felt GREAT.  I need to find a permanent one to hook up with - or I don't know - maybe not - although that might be helpful.  That's something to think about.  I have to go to sleep and try to wake up at 6:00 am.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, October 6, 2014

So I got it!

I passed the audition and now I get to be in an even more expensive class.  Holy shit - I was like - what the fuck did I just do?  Okay - so - wow.  I am so tired - I had such a long day - a long, great day.  2 meetings, the audition and I just got back from a show that I actually prepared for.  I did my set the way I wanted but the crowd was paying their checks and that's the worst - no attention then.  But - well it was fun.  I had such a blessed day and I got to get over some hurdles and work hard towards my craft.  I'm so tired - I loooove you Bluebie bye.

Scared.

I'm so scared of this audition that I want to lay down and go to sleep.  Also I feel so totally lost and out of it as far as show business goes anyway - I just feel like I fell off the track when I got drunk and I just can't get back.  Ugh - what do I know?  Or maybe I know and it doesn't matter.  Maybe what is happening is exactly what is supposed to be happening.  Anyway - what else?  I'm scared and I want to lie down - we covered that.  I need to go into the park and get some exercise but I'm stalling because I'm cold and lazy.  I had the nicest weekend again with the guy.  He's just so amazing and kind - what the fuck is that?  Oh we did get into a sort of an argument yesterday but I managed to - whoa - we managed to get past it.  It needed to be spoken of anyway and I did feel like he was taking care of himself - and I was taking care of myself.  Ugh - okay - I better get going before I don't have enough time to get ready and go into the park.  I've been jogging again and somehow getting fatter.  I guess it hasn't caught up with me yet ha.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.