I think it might be time.

I think I might actually have to put the dog to sleep - I just came home and she looked so sad sitting there and right now - she look so sad.  She was standing there a few minutes ago and her legs just slowly started to make their way into a split.  I can't - I don't know - I can - she looks so sad - omg this is heart breaking.  Maybe it's the peanut butter I just gave her?  Maybe it's from the weekend home - that food maybe?  Isn't this terrible - to have to decide to kill your animal?  I really can't do this.  I'm going to pray about it - that's what I'm going to do.  I had a second day of shooting today and it was so so SO much better - the director even hugged me when I left.  I shot tons all day and it was so much fun - I just loved it so much.  The camera man that I liked has a girlfriend and I could tell by the way he was - well - acting like he had a girlfriend that he had one.  Isn't that so sweet?  That he actually gave off that vibe?  What a lucky woman she is - he's beautiful, nice and he seemed really talented.  He at least looks smoking hot using a camera - ha- whatever that might do for her.  Ugh - I did my best but it was really weird to be just acting from no script.  I have so many questions and it's so odd to have a camera right in my face - I don't know.  Also working with a young kid - so odd - he was like - um can you pet my hair the other way because it doesn't feel good when you do it like that.  Ha!  His first job and he was AMAZING.  And so so cute.  Oh my God - adorable.  His parents were great too.  I don't know - maybe I will be able to figure out more when I see it in 4 months - ugh.  I need to go - I need to love this dog.  Oye - heartbreak.

Welp.

I went to the first day of shooting today.  I got up at 5:45 a fucking m.  I got there and I sat there for 8 hours until they used me.  The director seemed to like me at first and then - not so much.  Oh boy - whatever.  I colored my hair for the part and it came out SO dark.  Ha - whoops.  I had no idea what I was doing - now I have a much better idea and there were - so - so - sooooo - many cute guys there.  I can not help it - I love PA's and the guys who work the cameras.  It's so fucking hot.  That shit hanging off their belts and there is something so hot about a guy handling a big camera - I love it.  This one guy - oh my Lord.  SO cute - it was a little uncomfortable though and it was around there that the director got grumpy with me.  Ha - whatever.  I'm doing my best - that is for fucking sure.  They were a really nice group of people.  Now I'm home and I'm going to take care of myself, get some sleep and get back there super early tomorrow.  Did I say what a nice time I had with the family?  So nice.  I'm so tired - I'm trying so hard.  I'm trying so fucking hard.  Okay - why?  Because I want to live - I got sober to live.  I also want to move past this part of my life.  The smoking super - he's down there right now - with the door open and a cigarette in his continuously growing hand.  He just keeps getting fatter and fatter.  How I that possible?  All the man does is smoke cigarettes.  Unbelievable.  Okay - this is boring I guess.  I'm sober.  Bye.

HOLY FUCK - WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

Why do I keep going back to this job?  I had such a nice day - I woke up, prayed & meditated - went for a jog/walk in the park - met my friend to work on her web series - had a nice lunch with her.  I had a great class last night and I even was so grateful for the subway ride home.  So grateful that I was able to DO that - I could never take the subway - I took cabs everywhere.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  I had no socks, underwear or clothes - but I took cabs everywhere.  Awesome.  Now I don't do that - I take buses and I take subways.  It was just such a nightmare there tonight - so slow, then suddenly busy but in a crazy way and still shitty money.  Okay - okay - I don't know - I really don't.  I do - I do know - I am getting myself other work and it's just going to take time I guess.  Holy shit - it smells like cigarettes in here - all my complaining did nothing and so I stopped.  This is all I keep thinking - I want to move - I want to be around fresh air - I am over this.  I want different work and I want fresh air.  I want acting work and creative work and - FUCK.  I'm so frazzled right now AND my ankle hurts.  Mother fucker.  Okay - well - I just - it's over - I left the job - I just put away the hand washed clothes I took care of today - the dog is still alive - I don't know.  I didn't even WANT to work tonight - I wanted to be home with my family but I couldn't get anyone to work and then it was a nightmare.  I'm taking some advil and getting as much rest as I can before catching that super early train in the morning.  I have to leave by - 7:30?  Fun - it's 1:15.  If I don't go now I won't be able to see them at all.  Okay.  Holy fucknuts.  Up, down, up - fuck.  Good night.  WOW.  I went to a meeting - I am taking care of myself.  It's just not happening that fast - I'm not leaving this part of my life behind quick enough is all.  I'm just so ready - I'm so ready for this part of my life to be past.  I am ready to shut this cha[ter.  The fucking bus boy is still being a turd to me too - WHY wouldn't he?  UGH.  Can you imagine if I was just around people that amazed me and inspired me all the time?  What would I write about???  THAT - THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!  AhhhhhhHHHHHAAAHHHHH.  Fuck my nuts.  Bye.

Fucking fuck.

I finally asked the girl if we could film at night for the days I want to work on the other project and she says "Oh we aren't shooting those days - I was going to tell you Saturday."  OH GREAT BECAUSE I REARRANGED MY WHOLE WORK SCHEDULE SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME % DAYS FROM NOW WHEN THINGS ARE REALLY HAPPENING.  Whoa.  So I got up today and hustled my ass around - doing laundry - fucking laundry, doing dishes, vacuuming, remaking the bed etc.  Then - then I go to work.  I didn't go to a meeting.  Then next thing I know I'm in a fight with the dishwasher - a fight I'm losing and lost by the way.  It was so dumb and I feel so juvenile - WHY AM I STILL WORKING THERE?  He's a dishwasher but we tip him out like he's a busboy but he REFUSES to actually take the glasses off the tables - we have to do it - put them in the glass racks and THEN he'll go wash them.  Um - this has always bothered me.  Why am I tipping out a dishwasher?  But guess what - I  tip him well and I even tip extra because that's what I do.  Um and the other girl tonight asked him to help bus tables and then he comes over and complains to me about it - I say "If you worked anywhere else you WOULD have to bus the tables - that's why we tip you out."  This didn't go over well nor did any of my trying to explain myself and he was like "Get away from me - you are only making me more angry."  Ha - well.  I said sorry before I left - he did not pick up one glass from one table and just gave me dirty looks all night long.  It was awesome.  I kept thinking "I don't have to be here - I don't have to do this with my time or my life."  But also - what am I doing not going to a meeting?  Why do I keep letting it slide?  I can't afford to do that - I HAVE to go to a meeting basically everyday.  Also - with this dog - come on - she falls over and then she can't get up sometimes.  Last night she was laying there and she whined - it was so heartbreaking.  I guess I have to put her to sleep but I - ugh - how can I do that?  It's so so so so so - I can't.  What is the most loving thing I can do?  What is the most loving thing I can do for her?  Is it to put her to sleep?  I don't know - I do know she's losing weight and she falls down and can't get up and that seems bad.  I'm not good at this.  WHO THE FUCK IS?  Jesus.  I think at this moment in my life I need MORE meetings - not less.  I need MORE acting and less waitressing.  I need MORE prayer and meditation and A LOT LESS TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I REALLY THINK.  That guy has never bussed one table - what made me think he would start NOW - 4 years later because my ass said something?  Yeesh.  I need to go to sleep.  Bye.

Yeesh.

I'm supposed to film something for a friend - literally be behind the camera and then edit it for her.  I can do the camera work and do it well and I have been having fun using the camera my sister gave me to practice with.  However I may have gotten an acting job and the days conflict.  What am I supposed to do?  We already set the dates but - I don't know - I'm - I don't even want to do it is the problem.  So here is what I didn't do over the last couple of days at the store when it seemed super crazy - I didn't say anything - restraint of pen and tongue.  That was the right thing to do.  Now - now I am pretty sure the program would say that I have made this commitment and I should stick to it.  This dog - I swear to God - it's insane - she just bumps around and falls over all the time.  Ugh - she's so skinny too - she's so not okay.  However - she's eating, she DEFINITELY peeing and pooping and she's go this dog walker who sits with her and carries her outside and sits with her on the stoop.  It smelled again like he took a giant man shit in my bathroom but maybe also there is something wrong with the toilet?  I cleaned the bathroom when I got home so I would know for sure tomorrow night if he is.  I really don't care to be honest but it seems strange since he lives next door.  Hmmm - so odd.  Well anyway - she's fading away but she's still here.  Okay - so it's a new day tomorrow so that's good and I'm doing an open mike/booked show tomorrow night.  My brother said to me years ago and a few times since - that if I'm not doing something everyday towards acting and my craft than I shouldn't be here.  So tonight I had class and I submitted myself for a bunch of stuff and I arranged my schedule so I can either shoot in front of the camera or behind it.  I wish I could do both to be honest.  Both pay - the acting one better and neither very much.  Together it would be awesome.  Anyway I think about my brother saying that all the time and I think only a guy would say that.  My sisters never say anything like that to me.  My little sister just can't understand why I don't dance more.  WOW - this blog is journally for me.  I went to a meeting tonight and forced myself to talk to people.  I met a nice gay man - named - oh let's make up a name for him - Bart.  Yes - he is a Bart for sure.  Bart has glasses and so much pain it's popping out of his eyes.  His hair looked amazing though!  They serve cookies and coffee first so it makes it easy to at least try to talk to people.  I need and want to amp up my program.  I think it's like anything - I just shouldn't stay stagnant and I am a little right now.  I like Bart - he had a lot of good things to say.  Wow - I just got he urge to help more people - holy shit that almost never happens.  Yes - yes I want to do that.  Oh class was so weird tonight and I was terrible.  It's so confusing.  I know I'm funny - I guess - I just don't know if I have the proper control over my energy to be a consistent actress all the time.  A consistent GREAT actress.  Why else do it?  I left class and went to Duane Reade and there's a building right near 54th Street and 8th Avenue that looks like a giant pencil.  It has this orange triangle tip and it looks like a pencil.  Anyway I was like "Oh - oh I should write."  Well so here I wrote.  I need to sleeeep.  Work and a show and somehow a meeting.  Yes indeed.  Okay - so that' my plan.  Goodnight sweet Bluebie.  I love you!

Date.

So I went on a date - he took me to the movies - he's in SAG so he gets free screenings of movies and took me as his guest - that was sweet. I LOVED the movie - then he walked me to the train and held the umbrella awkwardly over my head for me the whole way.  the strap of the umbrella kept going into my glasses - ha.  Then he put his arm around - um - is it so dumb that I was surprised?  Wait - it gets better!  He walks me down to the train and like - sort of gentle attacks me and kisses me all opened mouthed and - I was SO confused!  I mean - then he did it again while saying - "Oh - oh I don't know what you were thinking - I was just trying to say goodbye!"  Like somehow I did it?  It wasn't gross but it - I didn't like it.  He was so aggressive and SOFT at the same time - what is that??  Oh for fuck's sake.  Then he seemed embarrassed and shy.  I don't know - he's not that tall and that was strange - I don't even care about that - the kissing was super weird - there - I wasn't into it.  HOW HARD IS THAT TO SAY??  I wasn't READY for it.  Do you know what I was actually trying to say to him as he slowly attack kissed me the second time - I was like "Okay - alright (I SAID THAT) - whoa alright" and I was trying to say "I AM TRYING NOT TO DO THIS - I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOU AT ALL - THAT HORMONE IS GOING TO KICK IN AND I WILL THINK I LIKE YOU EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF I DO!!!!"  I wish I did say that.  He's not a jerk though - he was so sweet - he brought candy - he came in all the way from Staten Island - come on.  I think the dog sitter took a shit in my bathroom.  It smells like man poop in there and is that weird?  That seems weird to me.  Holy fuck - what a long, boring, rainy day.  I have to not get mad that the owner of the store is persnickety - I NEED that job.  Okay - I can't be late anymore this week.  How about ever?  So - soooooo - soooooo.  Yikes - yikesy yikeness.  Did not like that kissing - nopes - not at all.  Awww - he also texted in the middle of the movie and that just seemed extreme - come on - really?  Why do I feel bad?  Whatever.  No big deal - right?  I have Raman noodles to eat bye.

Poem.

Sponsor
Calmer
Plug back in
Fuck the jobs
Life free of liquor sin.
Take a poop
Change some bulbs
Brush my teeth
Lover's glow.
Just kidding - Single's glow!!
What?
This poem sucks my balls
BUT I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!