Thursday, August 21, 2014


WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL.  We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time.  I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food.  Sounds great right?  We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???).  We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird).  Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better.  Today I feel better again.  Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in.  Actually I can look for another job.  I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening.  I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know.  Everything happens for a reason right?  Barf.  Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!!  Bye.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

5 things.

I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday.  I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it.  So - here they are.  1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you.  Pretty simple right?  How could I have never heard that?  Did I already write abou this?  Is anyone listening?  I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it.  BARF.  My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss.  I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha.  Bye.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014


I hate cunts.

Monday, August 4, 2014


I woke up kind of depressed and then it really hasn't gotten much better but also it hasn't gotten worse.  I don't know if it's the 5 years thing - supposedly reaching 5 years of sobriety is a tough one - or if it's - what?  I have no idea.  I miss my dog - I miss my acting class - oh my God - ugh.  What else?  I just feel lost - I don't know what I'm dong or where I'm going.  Well I know I'm going on vacation on Saturday and for that I am so grateful and super excited.  I just physically feel so fucking sad.  Well I felt like this this morning and I went for a walk and got a piece of pizza and I felt SO much better.  I think I'm going to go get a tea.  And some chocolate.  I have a wicked pimple on my forehead.  Bye.

Sunday, August 3, 2014


I'm home - it's 11:28 p.m. on a Sunday and I just toasted some walnuts with honey and cinnamon for my yogurt and I also toasted some pepitas (pumpkin seeds) for I don't know what.  I want to make some sort of snack for myself with them.  I just washed my face and I have on pajamas.  I had a really nice day - I woke up after a nice long sleep at the guy's house and I made us breakfast and I talked to my alanon sponsor.  We hung out (you know - hung OUT - what?) and then I came back to the city, went to an alanon meeting and went to an aa meeting.  I went to Whole Foods and bought apples and cashews and came home.  Oh I got some yummy brown rice shrimp rolls from there too.  I didn't get booked for any comedy this week and I was going to go on an audition but it was cancelled.  Ugh - so.  So I'm just here living in my life.  Which is wonderful right?  I just wish I was making more money and - well - I don't know - performing more - but I guess I'm not meant to be right now.  SO that's okay.  I'm just trying to take care of myself and be a loving, kind person.  Which works as long as I don't sit next to someone eating on the subway.  I can NOT help it - when someone is eating next to me - I will stare at them till they stop.  WHICH NEVER HAPPENS.  They never stop and most of the time they don't care that I'm staring.  God help me if I could just stop doing that I would think I could do anything.  Love you Bluebie - bye :)

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Oh my God - I'm NUTS.

I am basically freaking out - holy fuck.  I am suddenly thinking that it is so fucking crazy that I am going across country with this man.  I don't know - or I am just scared to travel or scared to move forward or just scared.  I am at the store - I was so fucking late today - there were no trains - I had to take the bus then get on the train and then I was so lost in my book that I went 5 stops past my stop.  What even is that???  I had to take the bus downtown to the local train - which I think went express to the uptown local - to the crosstown bus.  WHAAAATTTT???  Oh my God - and now I'm here and I was an hour late - which is probably a miracle considering how I had to get here.  They asked me to waitress tonight someplace and I already have plans to go see my guy so I can't but I was so tempted to say yes - or to say I would do it in the future.  I didn't though.  I can't believe how hard it is to even get away from the mindset of it.  Oh boy.  Also - what am I doing with my life?  I'm really suddenly very lost and confused.  I mean that's what people think of me as - as a waitress.  He's not asking me to do comedy - he's asking me to waitress.  Ugh - and I could do it and I would be good at it.  I don't know that about comedy.  OR DO I???  Oh Dear LORD.  Also I just feel - lonely?  Okay - some lady just came in and was so annoying I wanted to kill her.  I really need to do something but what?  Gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, August 1, 2014


Went to another skin doctor today - turns out the drunk one was right.  Well there you go on that one.  Got a mani/pedi, went  to a meeting - saw my sponsee, went and dropped off my resume at a couple of stores, looked at some other stores, bought a used t-shirt, went to therapy, bought some make-up from Rite-Aid - finally came home.  One thing that is different now that I'm sober and being more conscientious   is that I use all of stuff.  I ate the whole entire jar of blueberry jam I bought.  I usually eat some and eventually it goes bad.  I used ALL of the face powder I bought this time.  I actually usually use all of my make-up.  But I'm so much better with food - eating it all and not wasting it.  How have I not written her since Tuesday??  I trained another girl a the store on Wednesday and Thursday was busy.  I also have started - well - 2 other blogs now but it will just be one.  I'm so freaked out that we are going to California together for 9 days.  Holy shit how scary is that???  Oh my GOD.  Okay - well - fuuuuck.  I'm also super fucking excited.  Gotta fix my hair love you Bluebie bye.