Monday, May 25, 2015

Ah - life.

It's Memorial Day and I'm in awe today thinking of people going and fighting for this country - people willingly fighting so that we can have a safe place to live.  So that someone like me is able to wake up, pray in a reasonably peaceful apartment and walk in a beautiful park - and have a life.  I'm just in awe.  Also Anne Meara died.  She was older and had a beautiful life but it's still so sad.  Aww - I just - I don't know - I guess Im so emotional.  The park was glorious although I was jogging and Lord - it's rough going for me.  Sunny, breezy - gorgeous day.  I miss my guy but he had to work today and I have a show tonight and I need to do some shopping for our trip this week.  I got a good night's sleep.  I'm so in love with him - it's so hard to not just keep going back and staying with him - but then I'm not taking care of myself.  What an odd thing.  Balance - I guess it's never been what I thought it would be - starting in ballet class.  Okay sooooo - I feel so incredibly grateful today.  I can't believe I wake up in the morning still.  A woman said good morning to me in the park - I said good morning back and kind of laughed to myself because I thought it was the afternoon but it wasn't!  It was the morning still.  It blew my mind.  Oooookay - I'm very - whatever - well as I said - emotional and grateful.  Life is so tender.  HA.  Love you sweet Bluebie bye.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Ohhkaaay.

So I realized sometime while working so hard on that bizarre jewelry business that I had business cards for that but none for my comedy - or acting.  What the fuck is that?  How after all this time do I not even have business cards??  So then - well I'm going to get them so there's that.  I have such wicked pms but I have been exercising so it's better.  What?  I just spent 3 days trying to figure out why something wouldn't load correctly onto my "website" - a term I am using VERY loosely trust me - to find out finally - there are TWO DIFFERENT youtube accounts.  WOW.  Seriously wow.  Hahaa - well anyway - I'm just going to do a little bit everyday and take care of myself.  Treat it like a real business and let myself - what?  I have no idea what I was going to write.  I'm so sleepy.  I'm going to drink a green drink and go for a walk.  I need to clean also and get myself ready for the week.  I am fucking terrified for this show on Wednesday.  Holy shit.  I am soooo sleepy.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Hi.

My eye is still twitching - in fact worse than ever - it's sort of my whole front face - both around the eye areas that are sort of pulsing but the right eye is twitching.  It looks crazy.  So that's fun.  I had a good morning today - got enough sleep, prayed + meditated - went to a meeting and went into the park for a walk.  I just ate a super healthy lunch and even though I should never drink coffee again I'm making one.  It's nice to be home - it's lovely day and it's quiet here.  I wish I had more things to do creatively but also - I have no energy.  I wonder if my energy is ever going to come back.  It doesn't seem like it.  I do also have PMS so I should give myself a break.  I'm home so I can get my apartment together and then the guy is going to come pick me up later.  I don't know - I'm - what?  You know I shouldn't even be writing - I'm okay today - I just need to take this time to get myself together in this apartment and take a nice hot shower and be grateful I'm sober.  I'm sober and I have a show this week.  I'm slightly terrified about it but - well - it will be okay.  It's already okay.  Alllriiighty sooo - bye?  Haha - love you sweet blog of mine.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Tired. Humidity. Nice weekend.

That really sums it up in the title.  It's SO humid and its totally Summer outside and I was dressed for a chilly Fall day today.  Haha - sweater and everything.  And boots!  Anyway I am home now and I have on shorts and the air is on and I am trying to figure out my comedy week and doing some stuff for that show I'm producing that's next week.  And drinking some delicious coffee.  I'm trying to cut down and it turns out - I can not.  The end.  I do think I am drinking slightly less but you know what - today isn't the day oh well.  We went to see my parents this weekend and it was SO nice!  We went to brunch and sat around the picnic table and talked while all these green things fell out of the trees.  It was so picturesque except for them landing in our drinks.  They drank wine - we had coffee and tea and it was fabulous.  It's so nice to still be able to have a lovely time and not get wasted.  My brother and his wife an done of his boys were there and it was just - lovely.   Anyway - we drove back last night and went to a meeting and went home.  Haha - when did that become awesome?  So lovely.  I'm so tired today but I think I just need to go for a walk in the park.  It is almost 6 so I better go.  I need some more groceries.  What am I talking about?  I have to pee.  I'm so grateful I'm sober.  SO GRATEFUL.  Bye.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Okay here's the thing.

I'm at the store today so I am thinking.  It's been a little busy so that's good.  I have realized these last couple of months that I am reasonably good at comedy - right?  And for years - well okay this was when I was already bottoming out - but I was always trying to be something else.  Some OTHER kind of comedian and actress.  Now I am beginning to learn that I am fine how I am and THEN I'm worried I wasted SO much time.  How is it ever going to be okay for me?  I don't know.  All I know is my thinking stinks and I need to change it.  I was so sad today and the streets were so quiet this morning and I told myself that it was going to suck today.  Then I said no - no its going to be great.  I just said it's going to be great and it's been a good day.  People have come in and shopped.  Okay so that's one thing I'm thinking about - changing my thinking.  I love my thinking!  See - there I have already begun.  Now the other thing.  I remembered these women (one woman in particular) who I drank at - and was still upset about FOR YEARS.  I wrote about it on her - many times.  I always thought I was such a victim of her somehow.  I remembered something I said to her - that was so - rude.  So unkind and - I don't know - I just remembered that recently and I really was like - WOW - that was such a douchey thing for me to say and I'm a victim of her?  That had to have hurt her feelings or made her furious at best.  Needless to say I'm thinking about it and she's not.  I just realized as all alcoholics finally do at some point - that I had a huge part in what failed in the relationship.  Aw - it's sad.  But okay.  WHY AM I WRITING THIS?  I'm so fucking bored.  I need a better job and I can't fathom working in an office - I tried to apply for something and my soul dried up and died even before I applied.  OKAY - EVERYTHING IS GOING TO WORK OUT AND BE OKAY.  That's it.  There we go.  LOVE you Bluebie bye. 

Still sad and I ate some bread AND dairy.

Holy shit - I think I have lost some bloat though.  But come on - what the fuck - was I really eating my feelings that much?  And what was I eating?  Sadness?  I mean this job kind of blows that's for sure.  I don't love helping cunty women - but this is so much better than waitressing.  I don't know.  I need to laugh or something.  Okay - you know what - I am just going to make the best of this day and - what?  I don't know.  Isn't that the best I can do?  I am grateful that I am sober - it's the greatest thing and if I'm having some latent sad feelings from not eating as much meat, dairy and BREAD - AND sugar - well - what the fuck - do I really have to give it a story?  I'm just sad and uncomfortable.  That's all.  My eye is still twitching - which is what started all this - I was trying to get my eye to stop twitching.  So I guess I had no idea I was backing up a whole bunch of feelings with bacon, egg and cheddar sandwiches.  Omg - YUM.  Haha.  And ice cream.  And what else?  LOTS of delicious things.  But gross - I guess I had some cleaning out to do.  And hello - I still ate a candy bar yesterday and a piece of pizza.  I just got one with spinach on it and then I ate some peanut butter when I got home.  And some dark chocolate.  OMG - that doesn't sound like I'm cutting back so much on anything right?  Haha.  But I am.  OKAY.  I'm also being so hard on myself and honestly I think I'm doing the best I can.  It's just one day at a time right?  That's all I can do.  I'm sober and that is the greatest gift.  I went to a meeting last night after therapy and one of my sponsees was there!  Ha - accountability.  I got a manicure in between and the lady was so nice to me.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Ugh - fucking blech.

This day sucked my balls.  I don't even know really why.  I got up okay - I got to walk through the park and I got to work on time.  I brought my apple and I had soup for lunch.  I'm just sad.  I miss my dog and I am so sad I'm not a mom.  Maybe I'm just sad because I'm eating less bread.  I don't know - that seems so over the top crazy to me.  But I'm eating less bread and dairy and I'm sad.  UGH.  I had a great night last night - I did an open mic that was awesome and then I went to my commercial class and killed it.  He said I'm like a different person - he said I totally aced it.  It was fun and - yeah - I have definitely learned in that class - I definitely had a breakthrough of some kind.  My book is done.  I was reading a book and now I am done with it - am I sad about that?  Maybe?  My mother gave it to me at Easter - she said it was cute and it was.  The All Girls Filling Station's Last Reunion.  UGH - I hate the way I feel right now.  I have to say though - omg - compared to being drunk and fighting that God forsaken fight of being drunk and trying to feel better all the time - FUCK - this is okay.  I'm just super uncomfortable.  SUPER.  Way.  Way uncomfortable and I want to eat cheese fries and a BACON CHEDDAR BURGER YES but I also want to wear a bathing suit soon.  Not that I can't eat that and get into a bathing suit - I just don't want to feel gross either.  OH WOW - I thought maybe I would feel better writing  here but it's making me sadder. YIKES.  Okay - well I love you sweet blog bye.