Friday, September 4, 2015
It's the day after my anniversary. 6 years. Haha almost everyone forgot. Not everyone but really most people but also - really - who cares? I get to be sober and functioning in life. And why should people remember to celebrate the day where I finally gave up a horrible life? What? Obviously it hurts my feelings oh well. Not one of my sponsees remembered and I had to call my parents and remind them. My father was like "Oh that's nice - I thought it was tomorrow - your sister put it on the calendar on the wrong day." Haha sort of. Anyway - I got a good night sleep last night and took care of myself before bed. Now Im awake, prayed & meditated and I have hair dye in my hair. I have a show tonight, work today and therapy begins again yaaaaaay. That's not a sarcastic yay either. I had such an epiphany this morning while I was meditating. I have been troubled with such negative thoughts about people from now and the past - people I feel like I have "helped" and whatever - have given time to and I haven't gotten anything back. The epiphany consists of 2 parts - Im mad because I was "giving" with expectations - which stinks. Then also - I say yes to times that don't work for me and put other people's needs above my own because otherwise I think it wont work out. And whie I was thinking about how mad I am it occurred to me that my time is valuable and I matter and I'm not taking care of myself in these relationships or I wouldn't be so fucking mad. DUH. Wow. It's always like dating - if I have to try that hard to make it work - if I have to hurt myself to make it work - Im going to be angry - SO ANGRY and it doenst matter anyway - he's not that into me ANYWAY. Im more valuable than that. So much more. I deserve better. The thing is also that Im not even sure if these people are asking me to twist myself into a pretzel but ugh Im getting confused. I just need to take care of myself in relationships or Im going in the wrong direction - that's it. THATS IT! Fuck I can feel my brain trying to re-wire as I type this and it's like "nooooooo you must control and manipulate and and and ahhhhhhhhh!!!!" Gross. It's only 8:50 and Im exhausted haha. Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Shows, costume fittings, working both jobs (till this one ends), spending time with the guy and trying to fix everything here for me leaving. What the fuck I am so tired. so tired and SO GRATEFUL. I fucked up today time-wise but well - it's okay! Everyone makes mistakes and I certainly learned from it - BIG time. Am I making any sense? Im not going to be able to write on my blog at the other job! I wont even be able to be on the computer!! Holy shit it's like a real job. Well I am going to enjoy being able to sit down and be online while I am here haha. Ah it's so wonderful - life is shifting - I feel so very grateful and so grateful that it's happening in a kind way. Im just trying so hard to be nice to myself. Im really trying to kindly shift myself away from the negative thinking once it starts. I mean I can't help it starting (supposedly) BUT I can help it from continuing and I can be nice to myself about the whole thing. So how's that for some mother-fucking recovery?? Im crying a little bit but I think it's fake crying because my nose is tickling itself - that's when I always know Im crying fake tears. Oh good LORD - okay well I somehow managed to get to work on time today, go to a costume fitting and get back here - so now I just need to sell some stuff and organize my whole life. Haha. Right. I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!! Bye.
Friday, August 28, 2015
but thrilled. Well maybe thrilled is the wrong word - fascinated? I am fascinated at things moving in a different direction. I did that show Wednesday and managed to get myself to that extra work yesterday on time and get a decent night's sleep and get myself back here to the store today. I mean I guess - what? I forgot what I was going to write. Im not sure if extra work is really for me- holy shit it's crazy. Anyway. What again? Im a little foggy and having trouble with negative thinking. I have 3 more weeks of working here. Holy shit. I have worked here for 4 years. Long enough to have gone to college again! Im ready to go. I guess. I feel like I finally just - you know what? No. Im not going to write how I finally just figured out how to get here, find cheap food blah blah blah. It's time to move on!!! 3 years ago!!! Haha - at least 2!! WOW. Um - I love you? Hahaha Im crazy right now. I made my coffee SO strong this morning - lord Im going to crash. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I got a new job. I went for the interview, trained the next day and they hired me. I gave her my notice here at the store - and she never wrote me back. I even ASKED her if she got the email. It's so ironic because I started to doubt my decision. I went to an audition yesterday and when I came back I walked a different way than I normally do and I was like "Oh I love this area - oh it's so pretty right here oh I'm going to miss this." UM WHAT? Anyway so her ignoring me completely is helping. I just need to get out of here. I gave her a month but if she doesnt want that - that's fine. WOW. Im also getting busier with comedy which is amazing and terrifying. Okay I really cant write anymore - the store has been so crazy busy. OF COURSE. So I love you sweet blog - let's see what happens!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Trying to stay positive and working hard but not killing myself. It's so fucking confusing to be honest. I just want to either do comedy 100% of the time or not at all. I mean it is fucking excruciating doing it in a methodical manner. It's practically fucking killing me. Which is where the burping comes in I guess. I mean I can't stop burping. I'm just stressed out. I went on a job interview - I can type 36 words a minute. Man am I skilled or what? On another note I am having these wonderful weekends with the guy - we go to the beach - go visit people - go to meetings - it's amazing. Ugh and then I'm so stressed out? It's crazy. Well it's also hot as fuck - so humid too. I hosted a show last night - got home at 1:30 - because someone gave me a ride home - thank GOD. I have been doing sit-ups, some yoga - walking everywhere - changing my eating habits and DEAR GAO - I feel like I have gained weight. What the fuck? See - I can't think positive. Im exhausted. Busy. Busy is good. Anyway - haha - at least I didnt eat a muffin yet. And Im just not able to see how things are going to work out. How can I afford my class? How can I pay my rent? How can I get enough stage time? How can I - I dont know what - live? Save for the future? Stop panicking every time I save more than $20. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever? I get a very real sense of doom whenever I save even the tiniest amount of money. At some point I really need to understand what that is about. I'm tired. I feel so grateful - I was crying last night as I was walking away from the meeting I was at towards where the show was. All the things I got to calmly see as I walked - it just seemed so beautiful. The buildings, an old lady trying to text.....Okay and then as I am writing this some lady from this neighborhood where the store is - walked in with her horrible hair and asked me in sucha cunty passive aggressive voice if we were going out of business. She is a frumpy, dumpy cunt. UGH. SEE HOW GRATEFUL I AM. Unreal - Im terrified of this job ending but I don't like it. Oh she is trying on a scarf that looks like a table cloth. OH MAN I HOPE SHE BUYS IT. Im trying - I swear to God - Im trying. Bye.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Im reading a book my sister told me to read called Eat Pretty. It's absolutely fantastic - for me. Im also reading Sick In The Head and it's also fabulous. Just a couple more weeks till my anniversary - today I feel better and I am - what? Going to get to it today. Live and get to it. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
akid was sitting next to me on the subway and he wasn't even man spreading - he just kept brushing his uberly soft skin arm up against mine and it was growiing me out. I felt annoyed and like he should have been the one to adjust himself since I was in the seat first. Whatever - I wanted to get up - or hit him with my bag (one of my favorite subway moves) and/or huff and puff - blah blah blah. All things that would ultimately hurt me. I moved my own arm so I wouldnt have to be picking up on his weird images in my mind (part of the reason I dont like touching strangers to begin with) and just didnt do anything. I just felt annoyed and moved myself. Miracle number 1. HEre's the next one. An older woman came in here - to the store - she's been in here before - shes a racist and shes horrible - she told another customer once to "Go back to the country you came from." I think I wrote about her before. Anyway she came in - went in the dressing room with a dress - pulls the curtain aside and heads towards my water - brand new big bottle of Poland Spring s- the BIG bottle - and says "Can I wash my hands?" I said - "no - we don't have a sink" she says "Cant I use your water?" I said "No! That's my drinking water!" She says - all demanding - "Can't I just have some?" I say okay - fine - I gave her a paper towel - I open the water and I go to pour some on her hands - and she's - ha - trying to catch it and then she just GRABS the bottle AND STICKS HER BIG OLD LADY THUMB in my brand new bottle of water. She gives the fucking bottle a good old rim job and then says thanks. Ha and OMG are you fucking kidding me? Then she asks all sarcastically if I want her to buy me another water. "Do you want me to go get you another water?" Anyway - this is the point. By the time she left - and had driven 2 other customers away - I had decided the owner of the store is buying me a new bottle of water right? I BLAMING the owner for this. I go to grab money out of the cash box and then - then it just felt so uncomfortable. I was like - no - no Im just going to go for a walk instead and take money out of the bank, throw this water out and get a new water. Listen - I know I will have old lady thumbs one day very soon and I know I could have probably just drank the water. She also could have just gone and BOUGHT me a water - she didnt need to ask me 75 times. She's a horrible person. However - I ultimately said yes - to giving her some water to begin with - I didnt need to. It wasn't the owner's fault! I wasn't going TO STEAL money to buy another bottle of water. I mean I really had to stop myself. Listen I hate being responsible for my own feelings it sucks. But Im not going to be thief because some racist old cunt was pushier than I was prepared to deal with. Whatever - I guess it's 2 very small wins. Miracles? I still have pms - love you Bluebie bye.