Thursday, February 26, 2015

Awwww - his Mom died.

No wonder I was sad - his Mom died last night.  I'm so upset - I wanted to meet her.  Poor guy.  She was 92 and had dementia for about 10 years.  Awwwww - barf - when is it ever okay??  When is someone dying ever okay?  I don't know.  Ugh - so I didn't say anything about the lease coming and I don't need to decide anything today.  I got to work on time and I'm clean and I have on clean clothes.  I didn't want to get here - I felt myself digging in my heels in, at my apartment but I just ignored it.  I need to get here on time for me - not her - and listen - she's going to be whatever she is no matter what I do.  So why don't I have a less stressful journey to work and get here on time?  How about the part where I'm a grown-up so I show up on time to work also?  Ugh - such an emotional day.  Love and connection.  Maybe since I am in love with this man I should move in with him because he loves me and we can work it out?  I'm terrified to move and I'm worried that I'm using not wanting to change my routine and waiting for him to be divorced as excuses.  Everything is a chance isn't it?  Ahhh - it's overcast today - cold.  I'm here in the warm.  I just texted with my sister who I love and I can eat food and I am so lucky to be alive and sober.  It's just one day that I have to stay in and it's today.  HA.  Yoikes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Sadness.

I feel so sad.  My neighbor said her dog always smells the door still for my dog - ugh.  I miss her so much.  My new lease came.  What am I supposed to do?  How can I move?  I'm so confused - he's not divorced yet - am I supposed to not sign the new lease and then hope he gets divorced?  Also how am I even supposed to move?  It's so hard running around now - what's going to happen when I'm even farther away?  But I'm in love with him - I want to be with him - ugh.  Also I went on an audition today and the owner of the store was PISSED that I left - but what the fuck??  I always get these auditions (not always - twice a month - MAYBE) and I can never go because no one can cover me.  Ugh - I know it's not crazy she wouldn't want me to leave the store for an hour but come on - I have never called in sick once, I cover people, I switch my schedule - ugh whatever.  Do you know the worst part of leaving?  I got lost - went to the wrong building - went up to the 3rd floor of the wrong place and said I was there for the audition and they were like whaaat??  Then I finally get to the audition and EVRYONE THERE IS CHUBBY AND OLD.  Then I see the break down is for out of shape people.  THANK YOU.  Then - omg I get into the audition and they were like - "Okay - go ahead and do what you prepared."  No direction or ideas and guess what I prepared??  Nothing.  Ha - I leave the audition and some lady has just change into a FULL COSTUME for the part.  Ugh- whatever.  I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up with the guy by not moving in with him.  Or by moving in with him.  I need ot go to bed - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Great class, Great Show - New Day

I had a great day yesterday.  I came to work to cover the other girl to go take care of her family and I had class - ran out to do a show and then went back to class. The show was great - class was great.  It was mind blowing.  I mean I can't believe I'm having fun doing this again.  Jesus - so grateful.  It has taken me so many years just to get back to the beginning again.  Dear lord let me stay in these programs and take care of myself and my loves.  Be of loving, kind and generous service.  Help me to continue to take care of myself so I can walk amongst others and help to make them laugh.  Let me use my pain for good.  Love, love, love, love love.  Bye.  (Don't worry I will be miserable again tomorrow)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Self-Care and Other Mysteries

I finally went back to therapy last night.  Holy shit - my brain felt like it was tangled and dry - I was a mess.  And yesterday I really was at a breaking point.  I seemed to be attracting douche awfulness.  My cab driver was a dick, some lady came in the store and stole something - then I realized 2 super expensive cuffs were gone - so 2 things were stolen - and I just was a needy mess.  Listen on a different day I might have perceived all of this differently - that these were just things that happened and needed to be dealt with - or whatever.  Cab drivers are often dicks - lots of people in New York are dicks.  And shit gets stolen from stores.  My class felt weird the night before - no one clapped for me the second time and I had done good work - but - well - I'm not sure what happened there but once again - I was feeling off.  This is the thing - I need therapy - I have to go - it helps me.  Writing on here helps me, writing in my journal helps me.  Praying & meditating everyday helps me.  Lots of meeting helps me.  I need all these things in my life or I start to fall apart - quickly & unattractively - I mean on the inside (but my outsides quickly follow).  So - so the lesson is I have to take care of myself.  JESUS and it's SO MUCH WORK.  I came home last night after therapy and I didn't see the guy.  I got a good night's sleep and I spoke to a sponsee for an hour.  He's coming to pick me up soon and then we get to see each other and it will be so much better because I took the time to take care of myself.  There is some sort of tectonic shift happening for me where I'm realizing I don't have to hurt myself anymore to make things work out.  I don't have to sacrifice my comfort and well being in order to have a relationship.  I don't have to work with people - at least if it's my own show or my own work - that I don't really enjoy working with in order to create art.  I have choices.  So - so there is what is happening for me on Day 1998.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Hi.

I don't really have anything to say and I have lots of different kinds of work I could be doing but I just wanted to write on here.  I had a super awkward night with the guy - and then an uncomfortable morning and THEN we got into an argument.  Which was ultimately for the best but still - not fun.  It's pretty amazing that we don't fight - that's the closest we get - an argument.  Well anyway - I'm terrified to move and it's really hard seeing him as much as I do - I'm tired.  So I guess I have to put on my big girl pants and say when I need to be alone during the week to recharge.  WHY is that so hard?  Would I rather be angry, have a weird night, morning and then an argument instead?  I guess so.  Oh my God I feel like I'm going to pass out.  I think the way I am dealing with this insanely cold weather is by eating until I feel sick.  It's certainly distracting.  I feel like my back is going to explode.  Who eats lunch and then feels their back fat grow??  Plenty of people.  I swear right now I can feel my back oozing out of my sweater.  Okay - well - bye.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Oh I don't think any one is reading this anymore.....Ha

Okay so half the time I write on here and I feel like a person on a deserted island writing in a journal.  Who am I writing to and WHY am I doing this?  That being said I know there are 2 or 3 people - maybe 1 person who reads this - and for you - I write tonight.  For you and for me.  Thank you.  Sooooo - so today I felt crazy - unmanageable.  I woke up late because I got home from the show I hosted last night at 2:00 and I was exhausted.  It was a really fun show - I'm doing so much better performing wise - holy shit.  Okay that being said I was a mess today.  No shower, no cute outfit - in fact I wore the same outfit I wore yesterday - I just changed the skirt and my underwear.  HA - can you imagine - I took off all my clothes, slept, changed my underwear, put back on all the dirty clothes - BUT - put on a different skirt.  Jeez.  Well so I was upset about everything today but then people were shopping at the store and it was sunny and despite myself I got out of it.  I also had a real problem yesterday and part of today googling Meg Ryan pictures.  I just don't understand - okay but you know what - it's none of my business.  Oooookay - so.  So I called my jewelry manager mentor and we had a chat and ultimately she was like - just have fun - it's supposed to be fun.  MIND BLOWN ALL OVER AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE.  The show was FUN last night - that's why it was good.  I had fun last week performing - that and everything else I did to get ready for it was why it was good.  Ugh - duh.  So there you go.  That's what my new goal is.  One day at a time with all of this and have fun.  What the fuck else is there seriously?  Okay and also - I forgot what I was going to say.  I need to figure out how to be put together.  How do women do it?  How do people do it?  There are men that do it.  This and other mysteries - tomorrow night at 7:00.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE. 

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Martyr Lie Explained Further

So this is why else I'm realizing as I sit here alone in this big quiet apartment all day. That I believe it has to be hard and that I have to do things that hurt me in order to get and do what I want. The unhealthy kind of hurt and the unhealthy kind of things I don't want to do. The unhealthy kind of relationships.  I mean I know that in order to be in shape I need to work out and it hurts.  However that doesn't mean reAlly hurt myself right? Am I making sense because I feel like this is so profound to me right now. It all has to do with trust too. Trusting my higher power, trusting love - trustingThe right way or the positive way I should say.  I didn't have to keep dating dirt balls and I don't have to keep,playing the role of the martyr a and the victim in order to be a producer.  Ugh I feel like I sound crazy.  Listen its a lie to be a martyr and it's not nice to me - first of all - and it's not nice to anyone else but MOSTLY - it doesn't work! Ha.  It makes everything too fucking hard.  So there we go.  It's too hard and not functional.  I already meditated twice today and I think I'm going to do it again! I hope I can find myself again. The one who is not a martyr - the one who has faith in God and the universe and herself.  Here's to meditation and finding myself and for being ready when my time finally comes.  Meaning in acting and comedy not when I die.  Thanks.  Bye.