Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Paid my taxes and other annoying things.

I actually paid my taxes.  Last year I set up a payment plan to pay them and it took forever and was really annoying.  This year because I worked extra at the store I just paid them all in one shot.  I actually paid my taxes instead of buying shoes and a purse.  I have to wonder if I didn't have this job if I wouldn't have to pay any at all but whatever - I paid them.  Then today I was going to the restaurant before the boutique and I was going to pick up my check - right?  So I could pay other bills.  But I was running late and I didn't care - I was like "I'm going to get my check, then I'm going to get to work late and pay all my bills and that's fucking IT."  Then I thought how I have enough money to pay my bills that are due right now - I can go tomorrow and pick up my check - right?  Then - THEN - I got off the train and got to work right on time.  I actually did the right thing and HOW ANNOYING IS THAT???  Unreal.  It's raining - no one is here at the store but I did the right thing.  I have no fucking idea how I was able to do that.  I am literally in awe of the fact that I could pay my taxes, and fucking get to work on time and not do what I wanted to do instead.  It's so fucking annoying.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, April 14, 2014

I can't keep up.

Such an intense weekend.  That fucking place - I worked 2 brunches and another shift today - 27 hours in 3 days.  That is fucking insane right?  I had the nicest evening with the guy on Saturday night - oh my Lord - it was so wonderful.  Then - then what?  I can't even think straight.  I have no shows this week and I don't even want to go to class tomorrow night - I'm so fucking tired.  My nails are a mess, oh boy.  I went to meetings, I took phone calls and I called my sponsor.  No shows and my friend somehow built a website.  I have owned my website name for 12 years and it has nothing on it.  It says "More Coming Soon."  I'm so fucking uncomfortable.  Really I am.  I just need to go to sleep right now.  Yeah - why don't I do that.  So my nails are gross and I never exercise - oh except my dance class.  Okay I'm going to bed I'm just getting upset at myself.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Great class.

Had class tonight - was so wonderful - working on Shakespeare.  I'm starting to understand more that Shakespeare is just about the language....which ironically is what my therapist told me tonight is what my therapy is about.  just talking it out - talking it out and making it better.  About stopping the resistances I have to being the happiest I can be.  I just need to talk my way out of it I guess.  I am so tired and I have some sort of cold or allergies.  I get to see him again tomorrow night and he is coming here again to my apartment.  It's really only half clean - I just didn't have time.  But - well - um - oh well.  Right?  Ugh - anyway - I need to go to sleep and I forgot to call my sponsor today and I thought of it a million times.  I saw my sponsor for 3 hours - does that count?  How in the world am I to get out of my own way?  This is something I have heard from numerous teachers but especially voice teachers - that I'm in my own way.  Now my therapist has alluded to it.  Alluded to it?  I have t go to sleep and wake up and waitress brunch.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

So terrified.

Really like this guy.  He bought me books.  HE BOUGHT ME BOOKS.  Who DOES that????  I have no idea.  We talked today for hours - we talk every day for hours.  If he lived here I would be the biggest disaster in the world ever.  A bigger disaster??  Anyway - what's going on?  I've been going to meetings everyday - calling my sponsor again everyday and I'm doing the best I can.  I sucked at the store today.  I didn't really feel well and I basically hid behind the computer screen all day.  I need to go to sleep.  I have the day off tomorrow but of course I have a ton of things to do.  That's okay - I can sleep tonight - I came home right after the meeting and watched 2 episodes of New Girl and ate Chinese food.  It was amazing.  I'm beyond exhausted.  He gave me books.  Unreal.  SO SCARY.  Well - you know I'm grateful though.  I really like him and for that I am grateful.  HOWS THAT FOR A CHANGE IN PERSPECTIVE?  Whoa.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Tuesday is my Monday again.

Tired.  Got in trouble with my sponsor.  Sooooo - tired and embarrassed oh well I need another day off - one where I get to take a nap.  WOW _not fun.  Yeesh - she's a good sponsor though - holy shit.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, April 7, 2014

Aaaand I changed my mind again.

As soon as I spoke to him today I felt differently - better.  Okay - fine.  Did I say he sent me flowers to the store last week?  Amazing.  I finally had a chance to go get them today and they are absolutely gorgeous.  Fine.  I spent the day doing laundry and cleaning, went to rehearsal and remembered last minute of a show I had to do.  ugh - it was pouring rain and I got so wet on the way there - had a totally mediocre set.  Then I walked back through the rain to get to a meeting - then walked more in the rain to host an 11 pm show for 2 people.  2 of the nicest, most amazing audience members ever.  So bizarre.  Now I'm home.  I was blown away by these 2 kids who performed on the show last - they were 18 and 22 - they really wanted to get onstage (again - 2 people in the audience) and they were really sweet and hard working.  Great attitudes.  Again - the perception - you know?  I feel like it was another rough day but I did my best.  I feel like it was kind of a set-back comedy-wise - I was having such good sets and I was so much better at -  what - schmoozing?  Please - hello - I was soaking wet and I didn't have a great set - who cares.  I was a great host for 2 people so whatever!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Still not sure - and not sure how to deal with it.

He was having a hard morning yesterday and I was also - working that brunch and I got my period - ugh - I was just tired and it was extra crazy and busy for some reason.  Then - I don't know.  I just don't know if this is going to work out.  He has to go through this divorce and it's painful and it's really weird to be falling for someone while they are going through something.  It isn't about his ex-wife - it's other family members - but ugh - I don't know.  Also - also - I - what?  Well I had a bad day yesterday - but because of him.  I'm just kidding - I was having a hard day anyway - so - so I don't know.  Am I setting myself up?  I felt weird on Saturday - which I am going to feel weird - I have issues - but it made me think of my friend who said "If you don't feel good - if you aren't happy - it doesn't matter why - you shouldn't be with that person."  Okay - alright - but he was talking about the guy I was dating last year - the one who was 14 years younger than me.  This is slightly different - well a lot different but - I just don't know.  I have the day off today and I have a ton of stuff to do so I am up early and I am going to get to praying and meditating so I can start my day.  It feels better to write at least.  We did talk last night so that was good and I got a good night's sleep but - well - I just am not sure.  Oh sigh - life.  Love you Bluebie bye.