Thursday, December 18, 2014

Day 1933 - Back the The Present.

Well something shifted after all the days of sadness and complete discomfort.  First of all while reading The Spirituality of Imperfection I realized what a gift acting in my life is.  The book tautes how we all consist of light and dark - positive and negative.  I have had sucha hard time accepting that inmyself.  And then suddenly I thought about those masks they always use for theatre - the drama mask and the comedy mask put together.  And I was like right - there I love both the good and the bad.  Then I became so grateful to be able to act at all - even if it's just a class right now mostly - and then I also became so grateful to have so much positive and negative in me.  THEN - I ALSO realized (I have probably realized it before but this really struck me this time) that I have been trying to work from the creative place I was in before I became a total drunk and bottomed out.  And I just realized that 1. It's not working (whomp) and 2. It's so fucking boring and 3.  IT'S SO FUCKING BORING.  I'm alive I'm my own person and this is where I am in my life - I am a woman and isn't it so much more interesting to be working from the place where I actually am today?  Am I making sense?  I am having this creative mind shift.  Like I am getting present.  WOW.  Anyway.  So yeah - what the fuck am I doing now?  I don't know but I'm more excited and interested.  Also in regards to my crush on my acting teacher.  Who cares?  This is what I always used to do in relationships.  Look always to some other person to be the one who I should "really" be with.  FUCKING BARF.  So boring.  Lame.  I had such a nice time with the guy last night.  Talking, just being together - so healthy and kind.  Great sex.  UM - what else IS THERE?  Jesus Fucking Holy Christ.  So - so for today I can see my self-destructive mind - thank God - and not act from it.  Man I want to eat like an entire cow.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

UGH.

WHAT am I DOING?  Holy FUCK.  I can NOT sell this jewelry this month and I am just so tired an such an angry mess.  Can you please tell me how in the fucking WORLD am I going to make it through these next 2 weeks?  I'm so stressed out and this guy is being SO NICE.  He's being SO NICE and I'm still SO stressed out.  He is so helpful and kind and I still can barely keep it together.  I'm so tired and uncomfortable.  Like in my body.  I feel like I need to take 10 showers.  OMG I FEEL LIKE I HAVE PMS AND THIS IS THE 10 MINUTES DURING MY CYCLE WHEN I DONT.  Is this because I ate McDonalds last night before bed??  Because I drank a soda?  Did I masturbate too much?  Did I not pray enough?  Is it the cookie I ate yesterday?  Is it the supplements I take?  Are they wrong or bad?  Am I wrong or bad?  How do I still have a crush on my acting teacher - WHAT IS THAT ABOUT???  God.  Why can't I just be grateful and satisfied and ACCEPT my life?  Sometimes I do.  Who fucking cares I guess.  I'm doing the best I can.  Yeah - right?  Yeah.  YEAaaaaaaHHHHH.  SIGH.  Ugh.  Bye.

Monday, December 15, 2014

Glorious.

I've been having hard days lately - I've been getting so sad.  Ugh - so painful.  Today I woke up and I talked to my alanon sponsor and I finally got myself out of the apartment and to my rehearsal but it was hard.  I rehearsed, went to my management office and brought them a Holiday gift, then went to a meeting and then went to my class.  And the class was glorious.  It was such a wonderful fucking class.  My old acting teacher worked and it was wonderful but everyone was wonderful and my new teacher is so fucking amazing.  My partner was so fun - so easy - amazing.  So.  So I felt so different after all that - then I also went to a Holiday party just for a few minutes to show my face and THAT was also fun.  It's what make me happy.  Being creative - that's it - it just makes me so happy.  This class is just packed with all sorts of people working in all sorts of ways.  I mean they get work - they get paid.  Okay I have to go to sleep and even though I still feel the sadness I just had to write about how glorious it was to get up and out of the house and go about my day and experience the shift.  TO work through the shift.  To keep working despite not feeling well.  That's amazing and I don't know if I've ever really been able to do that before.  Ah - a good day working on myself but also a good creative day.  So beautiful!!  Love you Bluebie bye!

Friday, December 12, 2014

OKAAaaaaaay.

Yeesh.  I produced a show last night - with a friend.  I haven't done that in a decade.  Over a decade really.  HOLY SHIT-NUTS was that intense.  It was okay.  Pretty good.  Fairly fun.  I loved the producing part - being the host and seater and money taker and rearranging everything was a lot but overall it went really well.  My co-producer was amazing.  The guy came and was so nice after the show and I was being such a needy self-absorbed turd-bucket.  Jesus - I mean it was crazy.  He's so wonderful and kind and patient.  And he's not a comedian or an actor and you know that is such a miraculously beautiful thing.  Amazing.  Well so yeah.  I'm tired today.  What else is there to say?  I feel like so much happens and I never have time to write on here.  It's amazing how busy having a boyfriend makes me.  I had a weird thing with my sponsor this week but we worked through it - thank God.  I also had a weird thing with the guy but we worked through it.  I also had my period but I worked through it.  WOW.  I miss my dog and I'm so scared about Christmas.  Well so the good news is that I'm still completely self-absorbed.  No major changes here.  That being said I love you sweet Bluebers.  Byeeeee.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

My sister struggle of a different mother...

What?  I'm tired and I had a weird thing with my sponsor and I am (ha) left questioning everything.  I'm going to go ahead and get right to something positive.  I called my therapist and she called me back and she really talked to me.  She's so NICE and you know that's what I need and what I want.  People who are nice.  So good.  Now what is going to happen?  I'm going to keep going I guess.  I have a show tonight at 11:00 - I had my class last night but tomorrow night I have the night off.  I was talking to this young hot guy in my class last night and he always sits near me - gorgeous - so charming.  He asked me how long I had been doing comedy and I told him and then (I'm blushing as I write this) HE GOT UP AND MOVED.  HAAA - omg sigh and cry.  He has been sitting near me for weeks and now that I told him I had been doing comedy for 14 years he got up and moved. 
can you even just die at that thought?  He was like "SHE IS SO OLD BYE."  Or I don't know - maybe he was just like "SHE IS SO UNSUCCESSFUL.  BYE."  Well I might as well just make the best of it.  Of all of this.  Oh good that really sad, sentimental song is playing on the radio.  Fucking tender hearts - gross.  Omg I'm crying.  I can't.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The struggle.

It's 11:04 and I'm so exhausted.  I'm home and in my pajamas and that is glorious.  I ate Chinese Food for dinner and I ate too much of it but I don't care - I hate wasting food and it was fucking delicious.  I'm so tired of the struggle.  Just pounding the pavement to get around - riding the subway forever - being stared at - ha.  I do plenty of staring.  Meetings, shows, class - more meetings - oh my GOd - EATING while walking SO FAST.  I haven't paid my rent for November and I don't know how I'm going to pay my rent for December and keep taking my acting class.  I love my class.  Do I love my class?  I'm still missing my other class.  This class is fabulous but you know what - for the first time - in a long time or ever - I want to work.  I want to be fucking WORKING.  I'm sick of running around pretending to be an actress - not actually getting to ACT and GET PAID for it.  ARGH.  Fuck.  Okay - so.  So I spend all day now working on this jewelry and occasionally working at my job and then I have no time to write and look for acting work - or ACT.  Or do more comedy!!  I need some sort of schedule - I just can't.  I can't be wasting my time like this.  I need hours - I need business hours.  OKAY.  I want to live with my boyfriend.  Do I want to live with my boyfriend?  What if I don't want to talk to anyone for 47 hours straight?  Orrrr - I don't know.  UGH.  I feel very frustrated and flustered and CONSTIPATED (sorry) - CREATIVELY.  I really do.  This helped actually.  Love you Bluebie - BYE.

Completely tired....

What day is it?  Day 1918.  It's been one thousand, nine hundred and eighteen days since I put a drink of alcohol in my face.  That suddenly doesn't seem like so many days but it's been FIVE years.  Holy shit.  I'm so tired.  I did 2 shows last night and it was Thanksgiving!!  We went to see my family and helped on the farm.  You can tell my father likes my boyfriend because he asks him to do a million things.  I didn't have good shows last night and I felt old.  But well - to be honest I think I actually look better than I used to and well - the crowd at one show was weird - it was raining and I was SO tired!!  How the fuck am I supposed to get IT UP when I'm so tired?  How can I possibly BRING IT all the time?  Do I ever bring it?  Haha.  I've been working on this jewelry everyday.  Yeesh - fucking exhausting.  I decided today that this is going to be my second job - besides acting and comedy.  What?  I mean besides the store I work at.  I AM SO TIRED.  And bloated.  With horizontal stripes on.  Hahaha.  Okay - I'm going to a meeting after work and then I'm going to another alanon meeting.  How is this interesting?  Then I'm going to Staples. Hahahahhaaa - sigh.  Whomp.  Fart.  Bye.