Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Still the same grumpy me.

Sooooooooooooo now I'm not a waitress anymore and I'm still grumpy - still feel uncomfortable in my body - blah blah blah.  It's so weird - it's like when I moved out of the bed & breakfast and realized I brought myself with me - mostly my rage.  I for sure have less of that and I do physically on a lot of levels feel SO MUCH better not waitressing.  But there is a discomfort inside me - which I guess can only be solved by God. The program.  Yeah.  So. Sigh.  I just can't figure out how to balance it all - exercise, clean clothes - clean house - clean soul.  It's all so much WORK and I get so DISTRACTED taking pictures of myself.  Okay - it's only another month and a half before I have my anniversary and then I think things will shift.  I think I might need some chocolate.  OH BOY - well these seem like such blessed complaints that I am making - right?  I'm so happy to be sober - I feel so grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, July 25, 2014

Drunk skin doctor.

I went to the dermatologist today and after waiting an hour they called me and she was waaaaaasted.  Drunk.  Reeked of alcohol, was slurring - looked - awful.  I mean just like someone who was drunk - but not like all sloppy and funny - just her face looked strange and puffy  and she was talking oddly - drunk.  She gave me a "Clean bill of health!"  That's what she yelled as I walked out the door.  Everyone working around her looked odd also - so they all must know.  I mean I told her I had spots all over me and she didn't even look at all of them and didn't come within 4 feet of me.  Why would she?  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to say something??  "Clean bill of health!!"  How many times was I drinking at work???  SO MANY - almost EVERYTIME.  No I wasn't a doctor but still.  Ugh - it's so annoying and confusing.  At least I got my period finally.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

1784.

What a weird thing we do - count our days of sobriety.  Well it really is like I was reborn so there you go - now I'm 1784 days.  It's sunny out today and the store has been busy so that's good.  I started a new blog - one where I won't be talking about sobriety.  Does anyone have 2 fucking blogs where they talk about that - dear GOD.  Anyway - so I have a customer in here and she's verrry tall.  The owner is tiny and she buys tiny clothes - so whenever tall or big people come in here - it's strange.  Ugh - anyway - well that's not the worst problem is it??  She just left.  She was gorgeous too - and she looked WAY confident - I guess she's totally fine with being tall!  We are going to see a show tonight and I danced last night and met a sponsee at a meeting.  I'm just trying to stay focused on myself so I don't lose myself in the guy.  But I can't wait to see him tonight!!!  Okay - I threw around a bunch of stuff upstairs looking for the right size for someone so I need to fix it.  Love you BLUEBIE!!  Bye.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Poem.

She told me not to eat egg salad
And then I cried
I went to sleep for a long time
Listen I'm fine
and if she wants to tell me not to eat egg salad
then I can say fine "I won't eat egg salad"
and then EAT IT ANYWAY.
Bye.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Captain's Log 7/20/14. Day 1780.

I'm sleepy right now and I have decided that this blog is now a science experiment of how I am doing in sobriety.  What was it before - I have no idea and I'm sure I will forget this or change my mind.  OR not - I might not change my mind at all and just keep making Captain's Log entries on here about my voyage through sobriety.  HA - whoa.  I woke up at 6:30 this morning at the guy's house - we spent the weekend together - went to this gorgeous Shakespeare in The Park play and then went to the beach yesterday.  I left this morning to meet my sponsor and her sponsor and some other sober "family" members at this meeting.  It was great and then I came back and talked to my alanon sponsor.  We had a hard talk this weekend - me and the guy - about his - ugh - wife - and WOW - this is hard to write about.....about their interactions (which are awful) and how it makes me feel and him feel - etc. and then we didn't have sex and went to bed.  For me this was like a fucking MILESTONE in recovery.  I mean in the past I would have had sex - been filled with rage - or with held sex in a really unhealthy way - and as far as how I felt I would have waited until I was SO ENRAGED that I would have just lost it.  You know I can't even believe how uncomfortable it makes me just to WRITE that.  It's so crazy.  I mean the part about what I would have done in the past.  It made me feel even closer to him - okay - whatever - blah blah - but I need to keep being my own person so I got up today and left so I am taking care of myself and my programs.  Holy shit I need to lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

The Diamond Cutter.

I'm shaking because I'm so hungry.  I woke up late and didn't bring food with me because I thought I wouldn't be hungry because I had this huge rice bowl yesterday that I kept burping up during my dance class.  Meanwhile I have never in my life not been hungry past 10:00 in the morning if I have woken up a couple of hours before that.  What even is that?  It's like thinking I won't be tired at 2:00 in the morning because I'm not tired at 10:00 at night.  Oh my God - the food came and it was wrong.  HA.  Okay now I'm waiting for the right food - I would never do that normally but it has like 27 pieces of tomato on it and I couldn't even take it off the sandwich.  ANYWAY.  Well it's good I took care of myself for once - usually I never say anything.  Okay - back to the Diamond Cutter.  I've been practicing the Diamond Cutter principal which is that in order to get - one needs to give and give from a loving place.  So if I want to make money performing - I need to give money to performers and also support their performing emotionally.  So last night (this is my favorite example so far and even if nothing comes from it - it is an example of me being kind just for the joy of being kind - which normally I am kind for some other reason - great and right - exactly) I took the train home and these 2 older men get on - one of them with a keyboard around his neck and then they start singing that song "All my life - I pray for someone like you..." - right?  They were singing in harmony and the fact that he was plying a keyboard that was slung around his neck - I just LOVED it.  I didn't have any money - I had given my last dollar in change to the basket at the meeting I went to and I REALLY wanted to give them money and then I remembered a 2 dollar bill I had in my wallet since I left that restaurant - you know - my lucky 2 dollar bill that I would never use?  And I was like fuck it - I'm giving it to them - they made me so happy and they sounded so good - so I dug it out of the side of my wallet and gave it to them.  AND IT FELT SO GOOD.  Oh my fucking God - I am going to die where is my sandwich????  So I'm going to keep Diamond Cuttering it and eat breakfast regularly.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Hey.

I'm at the store.  Sometimes I can't even believe people.  They try things on - it looks amazing on them and they they tell me ALL these reasons why it won't work for them and then they leave and just as they open the door they say "Oh - well - I'm so disappointed but oh well."  UM ME TOO.  How weird is that?  Then other women come in - stuff themselves in a dress that doesn't fit - I tell them - "I think maybe it looks a little tight?" and then they buy that shit and leave happy as pie.  So bizarre - half the time I don't feel like I'm selling clothes at all.  Anyway - I'm here and I queer.  What?  Oh man - okay - I don't have much to report.  Love the guy more & more and keep trying to work my programs more & more and slowly move forward art wise.  Love your blogging face Bluebie bye.