Hi blog!!

Hiiii!! Since I only worked at the comedy club last night it was soooo much easier. Holy cow. I also walked there from the 5:30 meeting so it was good to get some exercises. I am meeting someone today at 3:30 downtown to help her get a haircut? She doesn't want to go alone - I understand so I'm going. Plus maybe I would like it there - who knows. I slept and watched Forbidden Planet last night - well the rest of it. What an amaaaazing movie!! I looooved it. Netflix is so great. Let's see I have a double tomorrow and then what? Service on Sunday and then I don't know. Cretona moved out and I'm not sure but I think he was being a dick about it. Or not - I wasn't here when he left and I called and the night before I scared him - or he scared me when he was sitting on the back steps. I flung the door open and I didn't realize he was there and I had tons of garbage I was throwing out. I sort of was like get away from me because I hate when they stare at me when I'm throwing out my garbage. He looked really sad though and that was our last interaction. He would like Forbidden Planet. Well whatever - he's over living here I guess and I would never have sex with him soooooo. I guess he could still come back. He is cute - I always thought he was cute. But having sex with him would have been a disaster. Not good. Unless it was good. What? Nooooo - never. In a way I feel bad for him. Well - he needs to be off and doing his own thing - I hope he is happy and I need to work on my resentments over him. I heard a man say yesterday (and I am sure I have heard this before but I REALLY heard him) how for him resentments are like drinking. How he can't afford to take one sip of a resentment or he is off and running in the wrong direction. He didn't say it like that. He said he can't stop once he starts and how it's totally poisonous and addictive. Which is how it feels to have resentments. It's so - heavy also. Like carrying around stuff I don't need. It's so strange though - because I have operated from that place for so long it seems so EMPTY not being that way. holy cow - talk about cleaning out a closet. Jeez - so symbolic. It really is so crazy that I cleaned out my closet and my room this week and then I heard that man say that. Or it's not crazy at all. Ha - lameness. For me - cleaner is just how it has to be. Which is what normal people know already. I'm having my coffee and I have not much time before I need to leave to go meet her at the hair saloon. I almost totally forgot and before I saw her reminder messge I felt this pulling inside of me - like a sadness coming on. How does my body know so much but my brain is like "What?? I'm going to do my nails and sleep till 12:30." Bye Bluebie.

Day off from the boutique!!

I am going to celebrate and so in order to do so I had to take the day off. It's cloudy and rainy and I totally wanted to stay sleeping. The knife stealing lady was here for a couple of days so I had trouble sleeping. I worked more on my vision board and I started watching Forbidden Planet. Um - that movie must be where all porn began - holy cow. I didn't watch all of it - maybe it gets less double entondre all the time - I vacuumed my keyboard and it's way cleaner. It needed more than the windexing I gave it. Sooooo. I'm having some coffee. I don't feel like taking a shower but I really need to. Wow - I am really - okay - I'm fine. I have my coffee - I made my clean bed, I fed the dog and wrote to my cousin. I will have time to swim today. I think I could also actually finish what I need to make the vision board. I can also walk home from the meeting and get some exercise. I didn't really get much yesterday. Okay I got none. Oh my GOD - I have to WORK tonight!!! I am totally forgetting about this!!! I am acting like I have the whole day off. I knew I was forgetting something. Jesus. Okay - wow. Okay. This changes everything. Yeesh. Okay - bye Bluebie. Let's look at one year ago today. Wow - a year ago today I was nuts!! I was way feeling sorry for myself. Huh. Well. My life is a lot cleaner - for sure. Byeeeeee!!

This is what I did today - warning - boring.

I sewed a pillow back together, cut the dogs toe nails and cleaned her ears plus walked her twice. I did all my laundry, changed the sheets, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, dusted everything, took care of the plants and rearranged my closet. I got rid of some more clothes that I won't be using and put away some summer shoes and clothes. I talked to some people from the program and I only left the house to walk the dog and get Chinese food for dinner. I also called my friend from work to see how his Dad is that had a heart attack. It was good to do all this stuff and I love a clean room, dog and clothes....but I understand more than ever why people pay other people to do this stuff - it's so fucking boring. I miss performing so fucking much. Did I work on that? No. Nope - not at all. I did figure out how to use the camera better so that's good. Oh - whatever - tomorrow is a new day. More disappointing celebrating to do. Bye Bluebie.

Well - back to the long, slow recovery.

I celebrated last night with the big new group I joined and then I went to eat with them and then I felt so let down afterwards. I walked home alone and then I got on the subway which wasn't working and had to take a cab home. I am lonely. I suppose I should try some sort of dating thing but then again what I really need is to be creative. I tried taking some pictures on the way home but that didn't work out very well. I have - well - today and right now in fact I can figure out how to use the camera better. I love the way things look at night but I don't know what setting to use so that things actually look the way I am seeing them. Tomorrow and Friday I will celebrate again so that will be nice. I have the day off today and I'm going to work on my vision board more, my blogs for my character and go for a swim. I need a meeting. I wish it wasn't so far away. I also need to clean and wash the dogs ears. I am doing some laundry right now. Part of what happened last night was - well - it really made me want to perform. It was so many people - hundreds - and I made them laugh a little bit and that was SO amazing. I really wanted more. One good thing I did last night because I felt so crazy was walk. I walked and got some exercise and it made me feel much better. I walked by Lincoln Center and looked at the beautiful pictures and the steps that light up with all the different ways to say hello in different languages. I really love Lincoln Center - it made my heart open. I had a good day really yesterday but for some reason I felt so alcoholic after I left that huge celebration. Tons of other people were celebrating and that is amazing. My friend prayed with me first and it was so sweet and sooooo loving. OMG - so sweet. This is such a weird fucking disease. It really is about the space inside me. I don't know - I'm going to take care of myself today and the dog and feed the love inside of me as best I can. I think what I am learning from this huge new group is how to love. I don't want to love - I want to be loved. Worshipped!! Not too closely though. So there you go. Okay - bye Bluebie. I love youbie.

Such a beautiful day!!

It is gorgeous out right now and I am awake and not hung over. I walked the dog and I prayed and meditated. I made my bed and I had a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins, supplements and UNDA drops. Yeesh. I also pooped twice - what?? Look at me go!!! Literally. Soooooo - I will do this and then get in the shower and get to walking. I need to exercise badly. I got 2 foam boards last night so I couldn't walk home - it was too awkward. I made my own board for my vision board instead of buying one. Cork boards are so motherfucking expensive. So I made one. There you go. It looks home made and I love it. So. What else? My attitude is getting a tiny bit better and this is how I can tell. Usually I get annoyed when people want to communicate with me and I don't want to deal with it. Not everyone but a lot of people. Especially people in the program. So now when I get annoyed I stop and I say - oh this person is reaching out and being nice and kind. So there is a switch!! Oh boy - I'm tired already. I feel like I need a nap - which is insane since I woke up 2 hours ago. Tall Not So Dark And Creepy and his fiance got little birds. They are pretty little things. When I asked if they were boys or girls Boris said(in his thick Russian accent) "Two boys - of course." Ha!! It took me a second to even get what he meant. Well - I should go - I have things I want to do and I really want to go for a walk and enjoy this day. Bye Bluebie - I love youuuuuuie.

I'm going to ask this - and I suppose psychlogy

would tell me that I already know but WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING? Seriously - I must know......but I don't know. My life is half done. Okay - so who cares. I just - I'm tired now - I feel depleted although I had the most delicious food today and I seem to be making much stronger food choices. I just can't keep eating gross food. I already lost some bloat - dare I say wieght. I just miss doing comedy so much - perfomring - acting. Okay - smove forward. I still have a block in that way too. I will get over it - that's all there is to it. I have some monologues I found that I like. I can work on those right now and then get into that acting class. Move forward - stop looking at the past. Yeesh. It's okay. Alright - I feel better. Bye Bluebie.

Saturday and boy are mt arms tired.

I'm here at the store - I woke up so late. once again I am trying to rock the "messy up do" as if it's on purpose and not because I got ready in 5 minutes. I couldn't walk the dog - poor thing - she was so confused. She was like okay here we go out the door - only I just had to leave. I could have walked her but I really feel like sometimes the early morning is where the busy time is in this store. Plus I'm supposed to be here at 10!! Yesterday this guy from work called me and said - concerning tips that he always gives a couple of extra dollars wherever he goes because he wants to spread good cheer and "Why would you want to do anything less?" How great is that concerning ALL things. A woman just came in here with her daughter and was such an a-hole. She bought something but then was such a grumpy pants. So she did not spread good cheer but you know what? I was helpful and did my job. So strange. They were here looking at stuff and then all of a sudden she was in a hurry. That's so - okay well - I can let that go. I bought Tall Not So Dark And Creepy a little pumpkin last night even this morning I was so fucking annoyed when I heard him rushing around this morning. That's why it bothered me so much when he told me to slow down yesterday. He ALWAYS rushes around the house and he never even leaves. He just pounds up and down the stairs - ha - unless he has a "friend" over and then they sneak quietly up and down the stairs. How ridiculous is that. Well - I can let that go also. It is time to move on now. He and Boris are getting married in December and I don't know what that means but it can't be good. Maybe it will only be good - and maybe he will be smart and have him sign a pre-nup. I don't want to be there for this. I mean I want to be there for the wedding and I am totally supportive of their love but it is time for me to move on anyway. So even though it totally scares me - like - there is huge block there - I need to focus and look towards moving on. To keep moving. So fucking scary. I can't even picture it. I will start to try today. I have lived there 4 years. That's a long time. A looong gay, marijuana, beer filled time. In all fairness that woman just wanted to buy a necklace - she didn't want to give me her name or information. She tried to be nice after being a douche. She had that grumpy face but maybe she is going through something. Her daughter was very sweet. So that says something right?? Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Filled with rage.

I had the worst night at work last night - a nightmare. It was awful. I left the house today and forgot my phone and when I came back the landlord said - commanded me to "Slow down!!" Can you fucking imagine that?? I tried to slam the door but it didn't work. Do you know the worst part? It doesn't matter what I think or feel about him or the fact that I know in my heart of hearts he has no right to say that to me - me saying fuck you walking down the block wasn't right. Me saying "Go fuck your 20 year old boyfriend you fucking creep - oh I'm sorry - husband (they are getting married)" isn't right. I am so filled with rage again. Don't know what happened. I just didn't stuff my face last night at work or the night before and so I think all this stuff is coming up. I'm just so angry and frustrated. And this schedule isn't working. I can't believe he said that to me. He could have said something kind, loving - helpful or even better said NOTHING. I wasn't hurting his house - slamming things - nothing. I think 2 things - he thinks he is helping and 2 he's a fucking douche bag. Christ - when is this all going to change? I can't take it anymore. I'm so angry and I'm just attracting more of it to me. He is marrying someone 34 years younger than him. I have been so supportive too!! Hey love is love. Grooossss. Totally gross. Why am I so angry?? I don't really care - I just hate living there and hate my jobs and I can't seem to get myself out of this. I really don't know - I don't understand. My friend hurt my feelings so much last night and she said that she didn't want me to be bitter - to fall into that. I'm there. I'm bitter. I totally resent all the young comics at work - I'm miserable there. This is a nightmare right now. I'm so confused. The Presence Process says that his is the time when we learn - when it's difficult. Well - here we go - lesson learning in progress. holy Fuck it's raining so hard. Bye Blueberry.

Thursday.

Yeesh - what a week. I should have never sent that message to my friend but I did and she was very loving and kind about it. Life is so fucking hard. I am at the boutique and I was able to pray/meditate, take a shower and walk the dog before I left. Her eye - her one eye looked really funny when I left. I tried to see it but she wouldn't let me. Poor thing - it breaks my heart. The other night I opened the bedroom door and she was standing in completely the wrong direction, wagging her tail and waiting to say hi. It was hilarious and so upsetting. I mean - she is going blind and she is going deaf. I can't write about it. I went to meetings all week and met with sober people plus and old friend who I know wants to be sober but just can't admit to himself that he is an alcoholic. He said to me yesterday "I'm good at quitting things" as he smoked a cigarette. I get it - I really do. It's so hard to wrap your brain around. It was and still is. I heard this woman share this week who said she can't afford to have anger and rage. It blew my mind. I still operate (as you know very well) from that place all the time. How crazy is that? Barf. Well okay - so I learned that this week. Now I can start to practice living from a different place. On a different note my therapist said - in response to me complaining about people who drive me nuts - that there is probable something in myself that I see in them. Then she asked if was possible for me to love that part of myself. Not them - me. Huh. I believe the answer is not right now but I will try to do that also. I should go - I'm sure I will write more later. See you later Blueberry Gator.

Ouch.

Well I told my friend I was upset and they completely ignored me. Just totally blew me off. No response at all. Well I said I was upset and well - this is all going to lead where all things are supposed to go anyway. Maybe I feel heavy to them - I don't know. It is quite possible. Very possible. I got some sleep last night although still weird dreams. I'm going to help someone today work on their script and then thank GOD I have therapy. I got myself the cutest purse and pair of gloves last night after my meeting. I have been looking and looking for a purse and this one was very affordable, cute, sturdy and real. It was also the only one which is also what happened with the gloves. The only pair. I saw a beauuuutiful sweater on my way out that was cashmere and totally interesting. It - maybe next week or the week after. I don't need it. I'm so lonely. I really am - it hurts. I'm going to try a new meeting tonight after therapy. This way I will get home a little sooner. I'm still so freaked out about work at the store - it feels so shaky. I think I need to just look for a full time job with benefits. Although my Lady Wonder said you are never safe - only if you are meant to be. I got the dog a new pillow. She's on it right now. I am still so tired and someone is still smoking and getting it in my room. Not right now thank goodness. Why am I in so much pain right now? I'm so sad and my stomach hurts. I'm still upset about the cat, I'm upset about this person, I'm upset about where my life is, I feel scared and nervous. Ugh - well some coffee should help all this. This will change and shift - I know. I'm just going to do what I'm supposed to do and trust. Okay - that made me feel better. Bye Blueberry - thank you for being here.

I hope this day gets better.

They woke me up at least 5 times and I had the worst dreams last night. I got up though after I fell back asleep a couple of times so that I could get a decent night sleep. I made the bed, fed the dog and put away my things from work. The comedy club was terrible this weekend but I still made enough money I suppose. I can pay my bills. I charged someone wrong yesterday at the boutique and it got me so upset that I actually called my friend who works there also and was going to ask her basically to lie for me. Or to be in on the avoiding telling the owner about it pert. How fucked up is that? I am so ashamed of myself that I even went in that direction. The good part is that she talked me through taking care of it and she said that no one should be screaming at me - no matter how little or how much I am being paid and it's true. IT is making me so sad that this is my life. I am so worried and scared about a job where I barely make enough money to live and I am frightened because I made a small human error. I can't go in the direction of lying - what the fuck was that? I wrote the end of the day report and I took care of the situation as well as I could and then she(the owner) wrote back and was like, "I don't understand what happened?" Now it has been drining me nuts ever since then. I felt sick at the comedy club and now I thought about it all night and I don't want to deal with it. Being rigorously honest is very difficult and I don't know once again if this is going to work out. I really don't know. I got home here and - I just - what am I doing? Why am I here? This is all so foolish and awful. I'm so lonely and my friend was so - awful yesterday. It's always all about her. She never asks how I am. If I'm upset she will be there but otherwise it always pulls towards her. Heavily so. This just sucks. I have another friend who - ugh - why - why write this? I'm not okay - I need to pray and meditate and go to a meeting. I will write the owner right now and explain what happened. Let her deal with it. This is my day off and I shouldn't have to take this shit home with me. I will feel better after a shower I suppose. The weather changed so that can't be helping. I told Wolfgang how much I love Dexter and he said "I hate that show with everything I stand for." I was like "Whaaaat?" Then he repeated himself exactly. I watched the last episode last night and I realized how it is totally ridiculous. I am just having a hard time right now that's all. I just need to be honest and look for another job. Wouldn't just one job where I am taken care of be great? I am so lonely. How is this what my life is supposed to be? I'm so sad. Big sigh. Bye.

I am shaking I am so tired.

I guess I can't keep going this schedule. I'm amess. A man just came in here and bought something and I almost freaked out. It is so fucking scary being a woman sometimes. He asked me what was upstairs and I was like "Why??" Jeez - what a psycho I am. I was just thinking - ohhhh so you have a place to kill me???? I have never done well on not a lot of sleep and for some reason this weekend is really kicking my ass. I have raging PMS. That can't be helping. I watched 2 episodes of Dexter when I got home last night and I also shouldn't have done that. I had to force myself not to watch the third one that was left on the DVD. It was so crazy on the episode I watched because he has this new girlfriend who helps him murder people - bad people of course. They finally have sex at the end of the episode and I was like - oh - holy shit - she knows who he is (I know that this is a TV show and completely fake and weird) and she loves him and loves who he is even though he is a serial killer. I was like oh my fucking GOD to have sex with someone who REALLY sees you - who loves you and sees and KNOWS who you are - AMAZING. How sad is that? Or great? I don't know. I do know. As soon as I like someone I completely STOP being who I am and try and figure out who it is they might REALLY love and try to be that person. You know or try to be the "funny" me all the time only, or not fart or burp and be HUMAN or multi-layered EVER around them. How exhausting and gross is that? So this changes everything. Now I just have to wait till I feel completely comfortable around someone and feel so okay being myself around them and KNOW that they SEE me. Great - well - do you get that more than one time in a lifetime? Could I really find that twice somehow? I suppose I had moments with other boyfriends - but not like my first love. Ugh - I don't even remember. I just ate and I feel much better although I got a LOT of cranberry sauce on my lap. That poor guy - he is probably such a nice guy and I was like - HEY!!! I SEE YOUUUU MISTER!! I was one hour late today. I mean the other girl opens at 11 during the week so I lied to myself and said if I had to be here at 11 I would be on time. When I got here yesterday I was SO upset and stressed out that as I was opening the gate I was totally talking to myself about what a horrible fucking day it was already and how upset I was and the girl who works in the shop next door was in her window fixing clothes and she must have been like "What a PSYCHO." Maybe she didn't see me (yeah right). This is part of my repetition compulsion also. I really want to be able to get 4-5 hours of sleep and be totally okay. I also want to eat cheese, bread, pepperoni, sausage and blue cheese ALL the time and not feel gross. I'm so sad, anxious and vulnerable right now. Hahaa - oh my fucking WORD - really? I can sleep tomorrow. I'm clean - I took a shower and walked the dog. She looked so sad to have me leaving. That hurts too. Leaving her at that crazy house. Well - it's okay - she's happy when I come home. I should stop writing now. I have some looking out the window wistfully to do. Bye Bluebie - I love you.

I got it!!

I am more comfortable living in a crazy place, in a crazy way - where I am upset and can't be an artist. I was imprinted with that and that is what is COMFORTABLE for me. Actually going out and finding a place to live, pay the bills - be a fucking grown-up is so uncomfortable for me that I don't do it. Holy fuck. So it's the 2 things - repetition compulsion and the fact that I am actually comfortable living the way I am. That is what Wolfgang always fucking says. "You like it!!! You love living in a gay bath house!!! You're into it!!!!" He sounds like the dad from Family Guy. He even does the same hand gestures. Jesus - I don't know if I can handle this. I have to go. I need some juice and a water.

Ego. Eggo. I love/hate both.

For the longest time (and for all I fucking know maybe still) Tall Not So Dark and Creepy ate Eggos non-stop. that man was forever toasting and eating mother fucking Eggos. He is one of those chews really ludly - with his mouth open AND talks while he eats people. So hearing, watching and being around him while crunching and talking through Eggos was quite an experience. I used to get drunk and if I had no food I would eat those. He would buy an industry size box of them at a time. Jesus - what is wrong with me? I am STILL not pooping and I really am about to lose my mind. I forgot to set the alarm last night or I shut of the alarm and fell back asleep - either way I woke up when I was supposed to be leaving for work. My hair looks exactly like what it is - hair I slept on - roughly and put up trying look "casual messy." I'm so grumpy. After reading up about ego and then about the Brain Protocol thing that the doctor whats to do with me once I can get to a level of physical health that is - stable enough - I realized a few things. One - that I have been carrying generations of trauma. I know that sounds like drama but it's true. The alcoholism is definitely generational. Ugh - okay - so anyway it's time to stop the cycle but I feel like I'm not yet. I don't drink anymore but I have yet to be dealing with the feelings and all the other things that I was dealing with a LONg time ago. College era - high school era. My whole life. I don't sleep well, I'm nervous and anxious and I don't think I can take care of myself - really and I feel stuck and trapped. Look at this moment right now I know that Tall Not So Dark and Creepy wants me to be "happy" at his house. He doesn't think he is doing anything wrong by invading my boundaries. More to the point I LIVe there. I keep living there and I haven't just changed the lock on my room or - well that's impossible anyway. It's like I just want to be upset. Why would this be what my ego wants? How is this protecting my ego?? What the fuck? I am so tired, upset and confused. I lock my door when I leave and all the time he just unlocks it and does something in the there. The day before yesterday he shut the windows. He just wants control. Or I don't know - he just does whatever he wants. Why do I keep writing this and why do I not leave? I'm afraid. I don't have the money. Why do I care that he goes in there? It is exactly like growing up - no fucking privacy, no doors, no sense of safety or self. My art is blocked. I need to grow up and I need to get out of there. It won't solve all things but it will for sure shift things. I can find a great place to live - I really can. I have to believe in myself. I am just so confused as to why I care so much - I know why - it's the repetition compulsion. I want it to be different this time. I want this time for him not to go in my room, for him to respect my boundaries and my privacy, and to I guess just trust me that he doesn't need to go in there and - I have no idea. It will never be different though. He isn't capable of it - he just isn't. It will never be different and I can't stand it. I am going to go now.

Back to the ego thing....

If my ego is willing to do any number of unhealthy things in order to protect itself - how is me destroying myself helpful to it? Because then I'm a victim? I don't get it. I sort of get it. I don't get it. I'm so confused. Holy cow - I am also tired now all of a sudden. My father called me and asked me to call him back and then when I called - it went right to his voicemail. My mother does that all the time also. I have such raging intimacy issues. It's so obvious in the people I find myself attracted to. It's always men that are way older than I am, way younger than I am, or some combination of both. What??? Married - no - I'm not into married guys at all - barf. Just unavailable to me and WAY too fucking difficult and not fun. How does that protect my ego? I don't even WANT a boyfriend. Christ - I'm almost done here. I have to do my very official end of the day report. Please excuse me Bluebie - byeeee.

Hi Blog.

I am at the store - I already cried twice today. I thought I felt better about the cat and then last night and this morning were so hard. It's so sad to think he won't be there on the farm (well - alive) when I go visit. I am trying very hard to just let it through me - the grief. It hurts and I don't want it to. I wish he lived just a few more years. What is the most crazy is that I don't want it to be this way and there is no other way for it to be. It's so painful. Barf. Total barfness. I told my acting teacher - she said his mother died just this year. That would mean his mother lived to be 22 years old? Holy shit. He has a sister who is still going strong she said. I just put on make-up so I am trying not to cry. So why the fuck am I writing this? I saw this movie last night (I can't write about the cat anymore right now) and it was an action movie but it was really all about the ego. What blew my mind the most was at the end during the credits they had these different doctors talk about how powerful the ego is and how it will make you do all sorts of insane things. Lie, cheat, steal - murder - anything to keep itself safe. They also went on to say that then that means the only real enemy you ever have is YOU. Your ego, your reaction to how things affect your ego, and blah, blah. I was so fucking blown away. The ego will actually make you think it's YOU in order to protect itself. How crazy is that??? So the worst thing to fear ultimately is yourself. FUCK!! Huh. Which is so strange where alcohol and drugs are concerned. Hold on - I'm going to look it up. Okay - so the ego is the go between of the Id and the Super Ego. When you have an unhealthy ego it lets the pleasure seeking Id reign too much power over your decisions. I might be saying all this incorrectly but it feels right. I heard a man share at a meeting this week about a study they did where they believe part of what happens with alcoholics has to do with the pleasure receptors in the brain. Again - I have to look this up. No I'm not. Let's just say that it is probably a combination of spiritual malady, allergies, sensitivities to substances, the ego, a blip in your development - all sorts of things. It takes more than flour to make a muffin right? I want a muffin. Toasted with butter. FUCK!!! I should go. Maybe I will get a blueberry muffin and celebrate you my bloggidy blog. Is that my ego talking? I shouldn't eat a muffin. It's all about diet the snake doctor says. Meaning what you eat diet. BYE!

Oh Tuesday....

I'm awake - it's early but I'm glad I'm up. I'm going to go to the beach with my dear friend. I'm so looking forward to seeing her. This is one of those days where I am so glad I am not hung over. Ugh as I was writing that I thought to myself "sober" instead of hung over. The thought of drinking again and being happy that I am makes me so sick to my stomach. So fucking sick. My poor cat died that lived on my parents farm. Oh dear - my father called me yesterday and it rocked me to my core. Really upset me so much. Today - I don't know. I want to go to the beach and go to a meeting and come home and work on my vision board and get a good night's sleep. I am so grateful to my parents for taking care of the cat and loving him. It was a loss for them too - ugh. I can't stop saying ugh. Rigorously honest. I don't know. I'm upset still and I brought him to that farm in a very not sober way. Then I got a dog!! How fucked up is that? That cat was mad at me for years. See - it makes me sick all of it. Her Lady Wonder said to forgive myself and I will have to do that. I will have to work on doing that. That has never been a tool I use well. I feel so vulnerable. My crazy sister called last night and said "Are you sad about the cat?" Which is really fucking annoying and what if I had said "No - it's all good - I could care less. I did get some cute sunglasses today though!!!" Then she had the balls to say - in a really high pitched, fake voice, "Well I'm just so sad that Mom and Dad waited a week to tell you!!" P.S. she didn't sound sad AT FUCKING ALL. Look I can't write anymore I'm so fucking annoyed. She really bothers me. That was the not nicest thing she could say. She didn't want to talk about the cat anyway - she wanted to talk about herself and her daughter. She's nuts. She has a lot of fucking nerve talking shit about the people who help her ALL THE FUCKING TIME. How is it that I love my parents so much and can understand them and she pushes my buttons SO much. She's so flip and detached and HAVOC reeking. What an asshole. I'm sorry Blueberry - I'm having a hard time. I'm so sad I didn't get to say bye to the cat and I'm so sad that I have that relationship with a sister. It could be so much nicer - so much more loving. I just don't have the patience or even the willingness. I will work on the willingness to be loving, kind and patient. She was trying to connect. She was trying to talk to me about - ugh - I just can't write anymore. I'm so stressed out. I will call Her Lady Wonder and work it out. Okay - I love you Bluebie. Bye for now.

9/10/11

Ugh - I am getting so upset about 9/11. What a horrible, horrible time that was. My comedy died and I was finally pushed over the edge as far as drugs and alcohol were concerned. It would have happened anyway and I was well on my way but still. My money was all over the place and I was a wreck. I don't think I want to write about this. I thought that maybe it would be good for me to talk about that time - the day and what I did. I don't want to though. I am sober now and I am so fucking grateful that I am. Finally. I had the night off from the comedy club last night and I went home and did laundry, vacuumed and spent time with the dog. Oh dear is it going to rain? This day is so different than yesterday. It's so slow and the streets are so quiet. Oh dear. I have a bunch of things she wanted me to do here. Put away summer stuff and I have a bunch of sweaters to put in the computer and out on the floor. They are beautiful - cashmere and alpaca. She keeps promising me these cashmere sweaters. Okay - this is a hard time. I walked home last night and I had fried chicken from 2 different places. At the second place I had a coke. What?? It was so good and so gross. Okay - bye Bluebie - I love you.

Okay - this owner is nuts.

I swear to God one day I am just going to leave. She pays me I'm not saying how much to RUN her business for her while she isn't here and she can REALLY be fucking ridiculous. Someone just came in from the tax department or I DON'T KNOW where and asked for some number - I gave it to her. Then I called the owner and she freaked out. She tried NOT to freak out and hten was like "I'm not saying you did anything wrong but...." Do you know what I did today? Unpacked a box of clothes, changed the hangers, put the clothes on the floor and in the computer - made tags for them, changed the front window, dealt with customers, answered the phone, sent her emails, helped pack gifts for customers, checked customers out and peed twice. Are you fucking kidding me? She acts like if I do one thing wrong I shit on her face. I don't own this business - YOU DO. And there is nothing written anywhere here about how to deal with all this shit. Fuck - how much can I multi-task and not fuck something up. A-hole. She TRIED to be nice - she did. Bye. Ugh - restraint of pen and tongue but not restraint of keyboard and blog!! Fuck - I have to pee again.

Day 735

I'm at the boutique and a woman is in here with her son Danny who loves all the glittery shirts and bracelets. He won't stop saying Mommy. He also has on a glittery bracelet right now. He is going to be a big flamer that kid. Maybe not - I don't know. So this is day 735 of no drinking. There is till mad cigarette smoke coming from somewhere in the house or next door. I watched Raising Jeffrey Dahmer last night and then read all about he and Ted Bundy. I was then COMPLETELY freaked out. Totally fucking nuts. The lady who was in her with her gay son said she thought her husband would be so upset if he knew how much her son liked fashion. Um - fashion? Wait till he finds out he likes penises!! She was really sweet to him so that's good. The cutest lady just came in here. Older but so cute. I'm older - what am I talking about? She had a cute purse, red pants, and cute little ballet flats on. Alrighty. So anyway it is sunny out right now so that is WONDERFUL because it has been so rainy and - well - not depressing but so sleepifying. I talked to the acting teacher. I like him and we worked out that I will audition for him in about 6 weeks and I am to call him when I am ready. So now I just need a monologue. I started to look yesterday so today I will continue that search. I hope this weekend is busy at work. Okay Bluebie - I love you!! I miss doing stand-up. That's all - bye.

Dreams - they never stop.

I never stop dreaming - I mean while I am sleeping. Or while I'm awake for that matter. I have another glorious day off today and I am SOOOO happy about that!!! I had another action/adventure shoot 'em up crazy chase dream last night. This one involved a high rise building and a bunch of men in white rain coats. It also involved a man and a woman and in the end the guy loved me. He took me inside this store/restaurant and kissed me. He reaaaalllyyy kissed me. His breathe wasn't the MOST amazing breathe but he really showed me he loved me. It was very sweet although the breath was confusing. Maybe he wasn't that fresh after all the shoot 'em up action. He had green eyes, glasses and short brown sort of wavy hair. Tall. Tallish? Taller than me by a few inches. Anyway then this girl came along and they had to pay their bill or settle something and I went outside and I was so amazed that I wasn't jealous. I just knew he loved me and whatever they had to work out had no sexiness or whatever involved in it. So bizarre. Bizarre and boring. Except for me to not be jealous - even in a dream?? Amazing. Bizarre and boring should be my book's name. The book I'm not writing. I'm so scared of calling this acting teacher back. Of writing a book, of doing anything. Ugh - so, so, soooo scared. Fear. My sister sent me a camera!!! I looooove it. How amazing is that?? I used it a little bit - so much fun. Ooooo - I just had an idea!!! Thank you Bluebie!!! Okay - I will write more later - byeeeeee.

Random...

I just looked at Facebook and some pictures popped up on the newsfeed that someone posted of my ex-whateveryouwantto call him and they are pointing a gun at the camera (a toy one or like one from an arcade machine - they look like they are in an arcade) and he is pointing his finger as if to cover up or stop the bullet from coming out. Which is what I did in my dream last night. How weird is that? I'm not friends with this ex and I don't think he is on FB at all. It was so random - so strange to see him and then see that gun and him pointing at the barrel. Who cares - right? What does it all mean? Stay away from him and all the people I used to hang out with - that's what it means. For sure. I feel gross. I am so tired. My manager wrote and said she did add the money wrong and she made a mistake. How bizarre. I am so confused. I watched Dazed and Confused and it was so not funny. Bizarre. I'm not a victim but people are douches to me sometimes. Or they just are douches. I'm in a bad mood. I should write a check and bring out my garbage. It smells like cigarettes. Oh lord - okay - let's see - I still haven't meditated. Boooooooo. I have no funny right now - I'm just tired and lonely. Oddly fat and - what? I don't know. Ugh. Bye.

Scary dream last night.

It was so long and drawn out. I dreamed for some reason I was at a party at a bar and I drank so easily and for no reason (I wasn't upset - too happy - nothing) I drank a glass of white wine. It tasted good and that was all I drank. Then I mosied on my way and lied to myself that it didn't count because I only had one and maybe I really could just drink a little bit at a time now. The I was on cruise where there was so much food and drinking it was insane. There was a big worry about this really hot comedian showing up - Colin Kane. I mean worry for me because I guess we dated in this totally fucked up dream world. I hated this dream so much. Then it turned into a show where I was traveling with these people and one of them kept pointing a BB gun at my neck and when she pulled the trigger I stopped the pellet from coming out and this pissed her off so much!! Then everyone banned me from shows for a year and kicked me off the train. I wandered through the streets and was so miserable until I found this lesbian bar where I tried to order but 2 lesbians were pissed that I was in between them. I finally sat by myself and decided to spend my last money getting wasted and I would text my sponsor and say I was drinking. I finally woke up from the dream when I was sitting there with the beer and free shot of tequila in front of me and about to text my sponsor. It sucked. I woke up so upset. What the FUCK was that about? I was even lying to myself in the dream that I wouldn't get hung over. Jesus. I was going to spend my last money on booze and i was alone and so upset. Jeez. Then I just looked at my texts and the manager said I asked for too much money for my pay out. Which I always check it 3 times and she - ugh - we have issues. Whatever - she can check it again later but seriously - she is asking for 24 dollars back which doesn't make any sense. Okay - I am exhausted. I just need a day off which I have today. I wish I could have eggs right now. I wish I had a kitchen so I could make myself some eggs. I can work on my vision board more tonight. I found some beautiful kitchen pictures. I will be okay - I didn't drink - I didn't spend all my money on booze and I am 2 years sober. I got a good night's sleep and I am healthy and I gave myself a make-over yesterday. I did my hair and my nails. I cut my hair and I love it!! There is some serious money and time saved!! Okay - I need to pray and meditate. I didn't do that so much yesterday. On the train but it's never quite the same on the train. Thank you for listening to my panicked rambling Blueberry. I was so upset but now I feel better. Byeeeee - Happy Labor Day!!!!

Finally!!! 2 fucking years.

I should say 2 years not fucking. No fucking here for 2 years!! Really - how crass of me. Honestly that is not lady like. Nor is spreading my no longer dirty laundry around on a secret blog. Haha - my secret blog is sober. Okay - so I am here at the store and it's actually steady. There have been a few ladies who have bought stuff and come in so it's not too boring. I got to work all the shows last night which was GREAT. Hopefully I can work all the shows again tonight. I would love a coffee right now. I should probably calm down - I don't need to work all the shows and I am exhausted. I could work the first two and be okay. Alright - we will see what happens. I talked to my sister a little bit and my Mom called. Lots of people have given me well wishes and I am so HAPPY I am not hung over. This feels like the beginning right now. Now I finally feel like I am taking my life in a different direction. But I have only just turned in that direction. It really is a long, slow recovery. So fucking crazy. Okay - I'm going to breathe and calm down - maybe call my Momma back. I love you Bluebie!!!! Thank you for being sober with me :):):)

One more day till Two Years!!

Holy fuck - what a fucking build up. I managed to get myself here today on the subway/bus combo, I prayed and meditated, took the dog out, took a shower and brought my breakfast with me. Lord. I am so excited to start to work on something - I have an idea. NO - I'm not telling you what it is - it's a SECRET!!! ha. F. Okay - so - now I am her at the store and it is sooooo boooooring. One woman came in so far and she was on her phone the whole time. Someone who she knows has a very difficult mother apparently and he didn't tell his new girlfriend and it is causing quite a problem.If today is this slow tomorrow is going to be SUPER slow. Alright well I will get some reading done. I just ordered a healthy lunch. A little pricey but yummy. I don't think I am going to get to work tonight at the comedy club - it will be so slow. Did I tell you about the amazing package my sister sent me?? It was so nice - it made me feel so loved. SO loved!!! Okay - my salad with fake cheese on it is here as well as a customer. Seriously? No one has come in here for 2 hours and I take ONE BITE of mango and a girl walks in. ON HER PHONE!!! Bye Bluebie!!!!

Okay - I'm bored - I need to have fun.

I want to make money, be happy and have fun. I still want to be a movie star and famous and blah, blah but whatever - come on. Ugh - I'm already annoyed writing this. I have to go in the direction of FUN and EXCITING!! That's how I was able to do so much with comedy and acting!! I was having fun!! I was EXCITED!! I'm not going to be able to go to a meeting tonight since I have a meeting before work. Barf. What would be FUN??? I went for a walk to Starbucks and I felt like I got let out of the zoo. Well - okaaaay - back to reading "Delivering Happiness." Byeeeee Bluebieee - I love you!!!

I'm not sure if I can do this.

I'm sure that today I can not drink....but I really don't know if I can get to another level in my life. Ugh - really? Am I really going to write this shit right now? I just want to DO SOMETHING and more than that I want to WANT to do something. I'm so sick of being miserable. Fuck. So okay - here I am listening to Rhianna on Z100 and that is so NOT doing something. I called the acting teacher and I asked a friend about a writing program she was in. Now what? Is this angst and unease and tense tenseness ever going to subside? I wish I could go for a walk right now. I don't want to call Her Lady Wonder. I feel like she is blowing me off because I forgot her anniversary. More than that I have nothing to say to her. She told me to call that crazy chick and I did and guess what?? She's still crazy!!! NUUUUUUUTS. I'm clean, sober, showered, vitamined up, not exhausted, meditated and at a job. these are good things. I want art!!! I want God to flow through me creatively. I suppose he is right now. I don't think I can be rigorously honest. I can be rigorously miserable. Rigorously tense, anxious, aggressive or awkward. I can definitely be rigorously awkward. Okay - peace of mind and creative flow. I just got sleepy. Byyeeee Bluebie.

Peace of mind.

I don't have that. I really don't. I completely lack it. I had 12 fights in my head today before I even got to work. I didn't get completely filed with rage but I had a lot of fights in my head. That's it - I don't have peace of mind. I do know if I keep working hard things will change and shift. I know that I am so grateful that I am here at this job today because it has gotten me out of my head. Although now the other girl just told me that my hours might get switched so I am right back in my head. Okay - whoa - calm down. I'm going to call this acting teacher - that's what I am going to do. I am going to do my best today and I am going to go to a meeting. I don't want to call my sponsor because she isn't feeling well and hasn't called me back. What?