Friday, September 23, 2011

Filled with rage.

I had the worst night at work last night - a nightmare. It was awful. I left the house today and forgot my phone and when I came back the landlord said - commanded me to "Slow down!!" Can you fucking imagine that?? I tried to slam the door but it didn't work. Do you know the worst part? It doesn't matter what I think or feel about him or the fact that I know in my heart of hearts he has no right to say that to me - me saying fuck you walking down the block wasn't right. Me saying "Go fuck your 20 year old boyfriend you fucking creep - oh I'm sorry - husband (they are getting married)" isn't right. I am so filled with rage again. Don't know what happened. I just didn't stuff my face last night at work or the night before and so I think all this stuff is coming up. I'm just so angry and frustrated. And this schedule isn't working. I can't believe he said that to me. He could have said something kind, loving - helpful or even better said NOTHING. I wasn't hurting his house - slamming things - nothing. I think 2 things - he thinks he is helping and 2 he's a fucking douche bag. Christ - when is this all going to change? I can't take it anymore. I'm so angry and I'm just attracting more of it to me. He is marrying someone 34 years younger than him. I have been so supportive too!! Hey love is love. Grooossss. Totally gross. Why am I so angry?? I don't really care - I just hate living there and hate my jobs and I can't seem to get myself out of this. I really don't know - I don't understand. My friend hurt my feelings so much last night and she said that she didn't want me to be bitter - to fall into that. I'm there. I'm bitter. I totally resent all the young comics at work - I'm miserable there. This is a nightmare right now. I'm so confused. The Presence Process says that his is the time when we learn - when it's difficult. Well - here we go - lesson learning in progress. holy Fuck it's raining so hard. Bye Blueberry.

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