Oh Tuesday....

I'm awake - it's early but I'm glad I'm up. I'm going to go to the beach with my dear friend. I'm so looking forward to seeing her. This is one of those days where I am so glad I am not hung over. Ugh as I was writing that I thought to myself "sober" instead of hung over. The thought of drinking again and being happy that I am makes me so sick to my stomach. So fucking sick. My poor cat died that lived on my parents farm. Oh dear - my father called me yesterday and it rocked me to my core. Really upset me so much. Today - I don't know. I want to go to the beach and go to a meeting and come home and work on my vision board and get a good night's sleep. I am so grateful to my parents for taking care of the cat and loving him. It was a loss for them too - ugh. I can't stop saying ugh. Rigorously honest. I don't know. I'm upset still and I brought him to that farm in a very not sober way. Then I got a dog!! How fucked up is that? That cat was mad at me for years. See - it makes me sick all of it. Her Lady Wonder said to forgive myself and I will have to do that. I will have to work on doing that. That has never been a tool I use well. I feel so vulnerable. My crazy sister called last night and said "Are you sad about the cat?" Which is really fucking annoying and what if I had said "No - it's all good - I could care less. I did get some cute sunglasses today though!!!" Then she had the balls to say - in a really high pitched, fake voice, "Well I'm just so sad that Mom and Dad waited a week to tell you!!" P.S. she didn't sound sad AT FUCKING ALL. Look I can't write anymore I'm so fucking annoyed. She really bothers me. That was the not nicest thing she could say. She didn't want to talk about the cat anyway - she wanted to talk about herself and her daughter. She's nuts. She has a lot of fucking nerve talking shit about the people who help her ALL THE FUCKING TIME. How is it that I love my parents so much and can understand them and she pushes my buttons SO much. She's so flip and detached and HAVOC reeking. What an asshole. I'm sorry Blueberry - I'm having a hard time. I'm so sad I didn't get to say bye to the cat and I'm so sad that I have that relationship with a sister. It could be so much nicer - so much more loving. I just don't have the patience or even the willingness. I will work on the willingness to be loving, kind and patient. She was trying to connect. She was trying to talk to me about - ugh - I just can't write anymore. I'm so stressed out. I will call Her Lady Wonder and work it out. Okay - I love you Bluebie. Bye for now.