As Is

My sponsor had been saying for years that when she deals with difficult people she pictures a sticky note on their forehead that says "As Is."  Do you know I have never understood what the fuck shes talking about?  Seriously.  I was like what the entire fuck does that mean?  That's how codependent I am - I can't even acknowledge someone is difficult long enough to accept it by just saying they are AS IS.  Well anyway there is a happy ending because I finally get it.  And I get people are difficult and I get that it doesn't have to do with me.  Anyway who cares - I don't even want to get into a big thing about it the point is that it's great fucking tool to have!  AS IS on your forehead motherfucker.  Although she is saying it in a nice way - I am being cunty about it although I don't know why.  I am going to guess most people would love to have someone accept them as is.  I turned up the heat too high and now I am roasting all of a sudden. 

UGH - I am so tired.  I have to go to a meeting.  BYE.

Blueberries for Breakfast and A huge Ego for Lunch

There it is.  The whole dumb thing that I have never been able to figure out...the fucking ego.  When I was drinking it  thought it had control or I don't know what over the drugs and booze and it did not.  Then it was men.  I just was like "I don't care if this fucker isn't interested - he will be - he's gonna change."  That clearly never worked.  Now I realized I do it with friends but then and this is the real kick in the cunt...I have done it with sponsees.  Thinking "Oh they will change....oh if I sit here and listen even though its flipping me out and I am so uncomfortable and it is hurting my body - they will change if I help them."  That my dear friends is a fucking ego.  And I had no fucking clue.  I can't help anyone - ever.  WHO FUCKING KNEW??  I have probably even written it before but it has never been as clear to me as it is now.

I have an alcoholic ego.

I have an alanonic ego.

And they want to kill me.

That sucks!

I have no idea why but it's true and I can so feel it in my body now.  I can never help anyone or change them and I can definitely NOT HELP THEM by hurting myself.  No clue - I had no clue.  It's just like when I realized if men want to be with you - they show up.  That's it!  I just so clearly see that if someone wants to change they have to do it, they have to do the work.  THAT'S IT.  And either they want to do what I do or they don't.  And let's face it - most people will not want to do what I do because I do a lot and it's so fucking uncomfortable working through those layers of shit.  Painful.  Hurts.  Meanwhile the disease is saying "You don't have to do all this shit - why don't you go to the mall and get yourself and sweater?  5 sweaters?  And some pants and a watch?"  Then as far as helping people my dumb ego is saying "JUST PUSH THROUGH FORCE FORCE FORCE YOUR SOLUTION!!  THEN THEY WILL FEEL BETTER AND then you will feel better."  Ew.

This morning when I was meditating that thought came to me - how I just want other people to feel better so I can finally exhale and feel good.  Then I realized that meditation is the answer.  Something shifted in me and I felt the power heal or I don't know what - I felt centered and better.  It was brief but I realized that that's the only control I have is over my own damn self.  My own damn feelings.  My own energy, my own inner source.  And meditation is where I work on that.  Get that.  Fuck.  Who knew?  I really didn't know.  I didn't know there was an alanonic ego too.  I never understood what that feeling was when I wanted to get in their with somebody and "tell them how it goes."  EWWWW.  I am so annoyed I was like that.  But also I didn't know and I don't care because this last sponsee was also ASKING for the help so I thought that's what I was supposed to do.

But this has to go - this toxic stuff with other people.  The anger that comes from trying to help and them telling me to go fuck myself.  Or whatever.  The anger.  IT's not good for my body and it's come back in the last 6 months and it feeds cancer - I know it does and I can't afford it.  I can't go through treatment again and I can't go through more surgery.  Not like that anyway I just can't.  So this woman really was my teacher.  Thank you.  I GUESS.  Haha just kidding.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Restart in 14 Minutes

That's what this computer just said so I have to make it quick.  Today is a new glorious day and I have been making the most of it and dare I say enjoying it.  I still feel mind-fucked by that sponsee (ex-sponsee thank GOD) but also that's my issue.  I believe people when they lie to themselves but more than that I get in there and tangle with their disease.  It's my alanon stuff.  I just see a sign on the road that says a relationship isn't working and I think "I NEED ANOTHER 10-12 SIGNS BECAUSE I AM NOT SURE WHAT THIS SIGN IS TELLING ME."  HA!  Okay keep coming back.  I am going to keep coming back.  I kept saying my whole way into the city last night "Bless her change me bless her change me."  Because that's really the problem - me.  I have to get in the shower and get ready for my show tonight.  I also need to eat dinner.  Okay I don't know - it's just a new day and I worked really hard to get out of my head last night so I would do the best I could onstage and I did.  I did a great job.  This morning we had a nice jog together the guy & I and I ran errands and was able to get my friend a nice book for her birthday.  And one day a friend will ask me to sponsor her and I will really think with my heart if I can help the person and if they really want help.  Because the reality is I can't help anyone - we do it ourselves.  We march to meetings, we work on ourselves and we do the work - the steps.  We march right through that shit and then we slowly so so slowly start to change.  And for me I have to just let go of the notion I can help anyone.  Because I can not.  That's not what a sponsor does.  We listen, share our experience and what we did and then THAT'S IT.  But for some people - we can't listen that much.  Because I really listened to this person and she just talked and talked and never wanted to do the work.  GOD - I want to say I was a fool for trying to help but I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do.  And it has been my experience in every fucking way with every fucking thing I do that until I am in it  - doing it - I don't learn how to do it well and what NOT to do.  So she was my teacher.  THANKS.  Haha I am just kidding.  She was and I do love her although I still feel awful.  It's so mean when someone blame you for their behavior.  It's like a child saying you are why they fell down.  I don't even fully know if that's what happened.  I am just glad it's a new day and I got to enjoy the sunshine and fresh air.  Yes.  I just sighed a happy sigh of relief.  Off to alanon soon so I can figure out how to be kind AND be of service and leave relationships that aren't working much, much sooner.  Or whatever I am supposed to learn.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hello.

A sponsee broke up with me today.  Well she asked sort of - if she should do it since she doesn't want to do things the way I do them so blah blah.  Basically she just wants to do what she wants to do and that's what she has always done.  So guess what?  She's miserable and it's so hard to see and hear.  She is just controlling her own show and man is it not working.  She's so upset so often and it's heart-breaking.  I have to say though that today I really had a hard time being kind and by the end of our conversation I was actually angry.  But here's the thing....I have been upset working with her for awhile but I stayed in it and I should have said I can't help you.  Because I can't help her - I can't help anyone.  I just say what I did to stay sober.  That's it!  It has taken me so long to realize that simple thing.  They say in the program this slogan "It's a Simple Program for Complicated People."  True.  True.  It also doesn't work if you don't do it.  Anyway I am trying to work my way back to being kind....back to being in and enjoying my day.....and I am getting there.  I have a couple shows to night so I am trying to get ready for those.  I just have to shake it off.  I have really realized I am an empathy and now I have to be really REALLY fucking careful about who I am around and how much of their stuff I listen to.  I will be more careful before I say yes to sponsoring someone again.  I just felt icky today anyway - I went to the doctor yesterday to get a second opinion about a cancer pill they want me to take.  I liked the doctor and she explained again why it would be helpful and it upset me because she said it could help me BUT THERE'S NO GAURANTESS.  Then she said "There's thousands and thousands of women that have been studied that this worked for but WHO KNOWS IT MIGHT COME BACK ANYWAY."  She also finally said (after I explained numerous times that I have mental health issues) that it will have side effects of mood swings, hot flashes, loss of libido, dry vagina and osteoporosis.  Do you know what I just realized?  NO FUCKING WONDER I WAS UPSET LISTENING TO HER CRY TODAY ABOUT NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME TO BE ABLE TO SIT IN HER FAVORITE CHAIR BECAUSE SHE HAS TO WORK FULL TIME.

I already have all those side effects (not osteoporosis that I know of) and I am working so hard to take care of them naturally and holistically and now they want me to take something that will make those WORSE??  Jesus.  And that if I don't then I am somehow "taking a chance" even though "WHO THE FUCK KNOWS ANYWAY?"  Um - HA.  That's hilarious.  She literally disclaimed everything she was telling me with - "yeah I don't know - no one knows but it could help, or not."  God - doesn't it seem like there is a kinder, healthier option?  Which I asked her and she said maybe but there aren't any studies done about that.  I see - I see why I was so upset today.  I am grateful that I am not working with that woman anymore - she is my friend and we probably should have never been working together like that.  Or who knows - not anymore anyway.  I have to go and get myself ready for tonight - love you Bluebie bye.

Hard Time.

God this is by no means the hardest time I have ever had - it really isn't.  It's a memory and an awareness and I will be okay.  It's disturbing and very, very very fucking unpleasant but I will be okay.  I am in a safe place in my life with a lot of help but GOD WHAT THE FUCK.  I have a show tonight and I am not ready.  My guy & I had a fight last night and this morning and it was ugly.  I am on edge.  I'm also so tired. 

Okay.

Okaaaaay.

I told my sponsor and she said this is about freedom.  She also said it's a missing piece of the puzzle but that talking about it and getting it out is freedom.  I would like to be free - I really would.  And do you know what I would really like?  To enjoy my life.  To enjoy myself and my art and my guy and our life together that we have both worked so fucking hard for.  But well ugh I guess first this.  Well wait or also this.  I can move forward without completely falling apart.  I'm just tired right now.  Of course I am - these things are exhausting.  I can have many things going on inside of me at the same time.  I can have layers.  I can be grateful, grossed out, excited, confused, hungry and tired all at the same time.  and that's okay.  I can take a shower, plan my set and go forward in love.  And I can be upset too.  I want to feel better - RIGHT AWAY - and that is not going to happen.  I also DO NOT NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS with the first person I see - for example a stranger.  I reaaaaally do not.  It's so tempting!  I just want to be relieved!  But also and here's what's really important......

I don't need to wallow in this.  I mean I can - I can!  If I want to but I don't want to.  I do want to enjoy this day as much as possible and take care of myself.  I have work to do.  So once again it's about breathing.  Breaaaaathing.  One moment at a time.  Nice and slow.  Yeah.  Okay let's get to it.


Love you Bluebie!

Strength

Where does the strength come from?  Where do people get it?  Where have I ever gotten it?  I never even thought I had any till I got cancer - really.  Not even sobriety made me feel strong.  They say in the program that we get our strength form our high power.  That makes sense right?  I meditate every morning to get guidance and the power to carry out that guidance.  I am not sure why but I make it way more fucking complicated than that.  I can feel and see that power - the light - when I meditate.  It's not all floaty and nuts or anything - it's just a power and a light and it gets brighter and I feel stronger when I plug in.  When I can really plug in and let my thoughts go.  Okay well anyway it's been a rough week......emotionally.  Okay but wait - wait - it's also been a very good week and my life is growing & changing, evolving all the time in a wonderful way.  So this isn't some out of control, horrible I am a victim thing - because I am not.  First of all - I am strong and I am not letting myself say anything different than that.  I have worked hard and I continue to work hard.  I have trusted that working hard would break me out of patterns of self-abuse and I was correct to trust.  I have moved, I have loved, I have fucking lived.  And when I got cancer I took care of myself and asked for help and got the help I needed.  But mostly - I fucking took care of myself.  And you know what?  I did a great job.  Now.....now some things have become clear to me that I can only describe as disturbing.  Ugh GOD - who  fucking cares?  I mean - look - if you have read a bunch of this blog it won't come as a shock to hear that some shit went down in my childhood that was disturbing.  I think the memories have been there floating around, whispering to me....just sort of in the back of my mind.  Well last weekend I heard some things that made those thoughts come to the forefront of my mind and I pieced together some parts of the puzzle and guess what?  The puzzle is fucking hideous.  However the puzzle is also in the past and I am here.  I am strong and I am already doing all of the things to take care of myself.  And here is one of the greatest gifts I am giving myself now.....ready?  Boundaries.  I can have them and I can keep them.  And I can be kind!  Or not!  Whatever I want to do.  But most importantly I can say what does or doesn't work for me and if I don't like something I can get the fuck up and walk somewhere else.  Ugh I want a brownie.  So that part of this week has been rough.  But it's negativity that I am meant to be free from.  I know it and I can feel it.  It's something I am being shown so I can let it go and stop holding onto it in my body.  I am a good person, I have worked so hard and I deserve to enjoy my life as much as possible.  I don't have to be sick again - I can heal.  So that's it I guess - how do I find the strength to let the negativity go?  The strength to be positive - the strength to live in the fucking LIGHT?  But the real light??  Maybe I was a victim and okay I was - fine, gross, barf and how fucking enraging.  I am not one now though.  You know what this feels like?  When you have a toenail that's too long and it's cutting into your other toe, you have no idea and then you look and there's blood all over your foot and a gash where the toenail was digging in?  And you don't even realize it hurts till you look at it?  That's this.  I have written in my regular journal this week a bit more - I was so angry.........I needed to just spew...

Anyway so you are my therapy once again dear blog but well not but just thank you.  My friend is dying from cancer...weeks to live.....I have been given the chance to live again twice now - alcoholism & cancer.  No one said it was going to be easy this life and I have been blessed in so many ways.  I can heal through this too.  It's not life threatening - it's just clarity & it's not pretty.

I'm just going to do what I did through most of my cancer treatment - just breathe.  Yeah.  Slowly, slowly breathe.  Drink lots of water, job, write, and I really might go get a brownie.  Love oyu Bluebie bye.

Addicted To Feelings (and deprivation)

My sponsor seems to be under (the correct) impression that I am addicted to feelings of being upset, frightened, alarmed - I don't - negative emotions basically.  I have to say it rings true!  I had to stop talking to a woman who was addicted to being miserable.  I mean it just never stopped.  Yet here I am one misery after the other and my feelings go UP and dooooown. UP UP UP!!!!  Doooooown down down.  She moved away this friend and she had a party and I couldn't go - she invited me so I just sent her a message & said you know oh bye!  Wow - have a great trip!  What are you doing blah blah.  She told me all her plans.....then never one single time ASKED ME HOW I WAS.  But guess what?  I talked to that friend for YEARS & YEARS feeling AWFUL most of the time.  So really - who was the fucking pyscho?  Me the answer is me.  I just hung out waiting for her to change and I kept waiting to feel differently around her and I never fucking did.  So was she addicted to being miserable or was I?  I.  I was.  I am.  However I am OVER IT.  I sang that part....OOOOOOVERRRR IIIIIT.  Over it.  I can't stand feeling toxic anymore and if I am addicted to it then there is something I can do about it by turning it over to my higher power for help.  Help me Lord.  Please help me.  I don't want to spend whatever time I have left on this earth fighting the Universe.  I just don't.  Let Go & Let God.  I am exhausted.  I believe in my higher power right?  I do and I always have - so why don't I go ahead and start trusting as well.  It's truly worth the risk.  As I write this I feel gross because there are people who don't believe and I know that.  I always said I understood that but I don't.  I am in a program that is based on having a relationship with a higher power.  Whatever.  I just also care what people think and I am also getting over that in a really big fucking way.  UGH.  So annoyed an uncomfortable.  Going to practice some turning over right now.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Coffee Break

I'm taking a little coffee break and it is grand.  I have the day off from the kids - the rest of the week actually and that is wonderful.  I jogged and went and got stuff to make an appetizer for tomorrow - Thanksgiving and I got myself some groceries so that when I am there I am taking care of myself.  Had the upmost craziest realization.....I mean yes that is always happening to me but this one is a real boulder in my path that I never fully realized.  Actually it's 2 things....I know you are so excited haha.  Well anyway the first boulder is my inability to be able to stand other people's feelings and I AM AN ACTOR.  By definition I am trying to get other people to feel.  I love the laughter but laughter is a drug.  Or at least comedy as a world is.  AGH.  But yeah even that is difficult to deal with - I just like it better.  Other people's feelings - who the fuck knew?  I guess I knew but I never really, fully completely realized how it's truly a boulder in my path.  Well I see it now and I have learned from all the stuff I have done over the last 1o years that other people's feelings are none of my business.  Or is it their thoughts?  I don't know and I don't care all I do know is for sure they are not my responsibility.  Mind blown!

The second one...is......I CANT REMEMBER.  Seriously!??  Fuck me.  Ugh.  Let me think....haha.....okay I think I have it.  I am rereading a book on acting and she talks about how the only thing we can really do is be the best version of ourselves possible.  UM - WHAT?  I have literally been trying to be the best version of like 25 other people my WHOLE LIFE.  Sometimes I get tired and annoyed and then I'm like fuck it - here's just me deal with it.  I have done it in comedy and I did it with men - finally - thank God.  But as far as being an actor?  Not completely.  Cancer helped.....I was so tired and sick and I just couldn't try to be someone else and I couldn't wear that fucking wig - I was just like forget it - this is it - whatever.  Then I booked 2 jobs!  But now I have tried lately to grasp on again and last week I went in to an audition and tried to be what they wanted.  I am going to say what they wanted was a 75 year old because that was everyone there except me and yes I was confused and completely insulted which IS RIDICULOUS because who  fucking cares?  A job is a job!  But then I tried to be something and it wasn't good.  I was upset that day anyway.  So there you go - just do you.  Go figure.  Be the best version of me I can be.  Wouldn't I want to do that anyway no matter what I was trying to do for a living?  Or actually DOING for a living?  Yes - yes I would.  Jesus that's one of the reasons I do all this work anyway - to be healthy and the best member of society I can be.  GOD IT'S SO MUCH TEDIOUS FUCKING WORK.  But it's good.  I am into it.  We are the lucky ones.  I will happily be the best version of myself playing a 75 year old no problem.  It's fun to act no matter what.  OKAY.  Gotta go do stuff around the house and call my sponsor.  Woo-hoo!  Happy Thanksgiving Bluebie - love you.

Awareness.

Awareness, Acceptance and Action.  Until I become aware of it , I can't change it - ugh and until I become aware of it - and ACCEPT it - I can't change it.  Anyway I was going to go on a whole thing that well - no wait.  It deos matter.  It matters to me.  Here's the thing - it's been a rough few weeks an in fact - months.  Wait - YEARS.  Cancer has changed my life for the better but going through all this has been so difficult and transformation is painful.  So now I am learning how my codependency has manifested - OH MY GOD NO.  I am not writing about that either.  WHAT AM I TRYING TO WRITE ABOUT?

That I am an empathy.  I get confused when other people don't feel well and I think it's me who doesn't feel well.  Then I get upset.  Then I attack myself.

HOW ABOUT THAT SHIT SANDWICH?

EXCEPT......

I have finally become aware of it.  And this is one of the things I have struggled with incessantly with throughout my life.  That and a million other things but right now today and after these last few months of struggling with other people's energies and my own and not understanding what has been going on - this is one of the conclusions I have come to.  I also have the codependent stuff where I want people to be different and I hope that if I am different then they will be different and guess what?  THAT ALSO DOESNT WORK OUT SO GOOD.


So here I am now - with a lot of intel and I really need - no - I really want to heal.  But most of all and this is one of the reasons I truly think I got cancer & this is going to take a lot of fucking practice and it is not going to change overnight but.......

I can not longer attack myself.  Or rather - wait this is so confusing because it feels like I am attacking myself for attacking myself.  I am learning - here we go - I am learning to recognize that I am attacking myself and I can slowly shift that barge in a different direction.  I never even realized that that's what I was doing.  Now when I feel my stomach start to beat and I start to panic and wonder why I feel so awful I stop and say to myself "You are being hard on yourself....increase your positive emotions, breathe - you don't have to do this to yourself." Last night I must have woken up 5 times and had to do that.  The good news is I kept going back to sleep.  2 years ago or even 6 months ago I would have been awake the whole night.  Jesus - 3 weeks ago!

My friend got upset with me.  Someone who I work with a lot.  I was late to something and then she - listen - she didn't handle it well.  Then she basically blamed me.  That's the truth.  It's uncomfortable for me to say that but it's the truth.  I had been taking care of her emotionally and I wasn't there to do it and she didn't react well.  But I had a part in that.  My part was taking care of her emotionally.  And I do that with people and it's manipulative.  There is an asset to it because I am kind but it was imbalanced. It's super uncomfortable but I have done something which I have almost never done before and that is from a truly kind place I have done my own work around this.....looked at my part...and continued to take care of myself and most importantly....I did not tell her to go fuck herself.  And trust me when I say that after someone tells you that you are to blame for their poor behavior it is VERY DIFFICULT to not say go fuck yourself.  But again there was a dance pattern in place that I wasn't there to dance and I helped set up that pattern. So it's so crazy right?  To look at this...see my part & her part and then not hurt myself because it is SO FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE.  Holy shit.  I have had to sit on my hands to not text her, write to her, message her, send her VIBES.  Good Lord.  Challenging is an understatement. 

Here's the most amazing thing also - so so amazing......and this happened to me while I was drinking and I was truly so lucky to have this clarity of thought before my brain got completely melted from booze and drugs.......

It is fucking boring to continue to live like this.  It was a boring, predictable pattern to continue to drink and just destroy myself.  It's not loving and it's not kind and it's certainly not interesting.  I am not sure what is going to happen but  I am willing to go through the pain of healing and moving in a different direction.  Ugh and it's been a tedious couple of weeks while I continued to be polite and as a kind as possible while we dealt with different things together.  And it's also been tedious while I continue to be as kind to myself as possible while I sit in this discomfort.  It's physically uncomfortable!  But well - okay - that's life.  I have solutions and one of them I am doing right now.  I write, I get it out, I feel better.  I will continue on with my day and just stay in today.  I have my guy, work, my meeting and service and a show.  That's enough for today.  And breathe.  I am going to continue to drop my shoulders and breathe.  Progress not perfection.  Just a little bit of progress.

Love you Bluebie bye.

Quarter Pounder With Cheese

I ate one last night.  I was so fucking mad & upset that I ate a fucking quarter pounder with cheese and it was HOT and fucking JUICY and it dripped all over my fingers and it made me feel better.  I honestly & truly thought to myself "Why is this so bad?  IT'S FUCKING GOOD & I feel better!"  It's better than drinking and who cares??  There's fucking raccoon that's always eating at that McDonald's and he's FINE.  He eats and then waddles back into the woods.  FINE.  Then 2 hours later I took the napkin out of my care - wait - it was like 20 minutes later,,,and then napkin with grease all over it was hard as a rock.  Fucking gross.  Anyway it's been the worst fucking week.  We worked SO HARD at this dumb show and hardly anyone came and my partner just lost her shit and it was really, really awful.  The show itself was great.  But it was awful and I am hurt because she was mean to me.  Dismissive and also outright spoke to me like I am a fucking idiot.  Then tonight I had 2 shows...I wasn't expecting much but I thought I was getting paid a certain amount and then he pays me TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.  Which OKAY I WILL TAKE IT.  But this si what is happening...that everyone else got paid and I am just what - so nice that I can be the one to not get paid?  And the show was a fucking SHIT SHOW.  Seriously.  Okay - it's okay.  It's not okay because I am worth something but it is okay because I have fucking had it.  I have had it.  I'm tired of giving it away for free AND I was one of the best parts of those shows.  Fuck the other comics were so angry and it really rubbed off on me.  So it didn't help trying to not talk shit about this guy all night and then he pays me $10.00?  HA.  Wow.  Okay well yeah - had it.  I did stick up for myself and ask how I was getting paid (which is when he venmoed me $10.00).  Then I said I thought I was getting paid more which he ignored.  Also why wasn't he there?  I DONT KNOW.  Fucking comedy is so shady.  People are so shady.  He has taken care of me almost all other times.  We also never got paid from this show we did last night either.  Which doesn't feel like is going to work out in my favor but it's okay.  It's okay - my time is coming and it's going to be grand.  Tomorrow I have the day off and I can get myself together.  Thank God I have other work that I do and that I am on a budget now.  What is going on with this guy that he would do something like that?  You know he was vague and used language that was - well vague.  So I suppose I misunderstood.  I didn't clarify.  So.  So okay.  It's not what I am supposed to be doing that's all.  Sure I can still work with him if I am going to get paid and I will ask and clarify.  He isn't making good choices.  So it isn't something I really want to invest a bunch of time in.  Jesus I am so trying to talk myself out of being so angry.  It's so unhealthy.  I'm sad.  I'm sad that people take advantage of other people.  I think what is really upsetting me is that he told me not produce a show someplace else - he strong armed me.  He said he couldn't book me anymore if that was what I was going to do.  I mean I couldn't care less - I didn't even know the other guy that asked me to do the show.  I just feel fucked with as far as money goes.  God I am so tired now.  I just want to feel my feelings and fucking heal from this week.  Exercise and see my family.  I am taken care of.  I am fine.  I mean I really am.  I need to let go.  Get some rest.  Let it go.  It was a shitty week - oh well.  It happens.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm sober and I have tools and help.  I love and I am loved.  And I am realizing I have something that no one can take away from me.  So that makes me very fucking lucky.  So tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Going Against My Instincts

Right now my instincts are saying to push, even though I do not feel well.  I couldn't sleep last night and the menopausal symptoms are in full force today.  I am having so much trouble being grateful and staying in the day.  Oooo!  My alcoholism is alive & well right now.  I did a lot of things to take care of myself - I prayed & meditated...made myself a delicious healthy meal...I called my sponsor...cancelled something that I was too tired to do....did the celery juice...did all the dishes...meditated AGAIN because my sponsor suggested it.  I put hair color in my hair and I will be able to shower before work.  I also exercised.  Did all my holistic things for my cancer.  It will shift - I know it will.  I will feel better.  It's so hard to have so suddenly gone into menopause & the painful sex part of it - whether or not it's from the chemo, the menopause or both - it sucks.  Meanwhile I'm such a wohre that it hasn't stopped me from having sex and I am hoping that the physical therapy I am doing will help it to change.  But WOW - does it suck.  For some reason I am thinking of people from my past who I might have told all these things to....have awful I feel physically and how the hormonal imbalance puts me in such a negative frame of mind.  How sad & hard it has been to go so suddenly into old age or this phase which feels old......then I am thinking how these people would not give me what I am looking for which is comfort and understanding.  Saying "Yes that does suck.  I am sorry you are going through that but I am sure it will shift!  You will feel better!"  So anyway I am telling myself those things.  I will feel better.  I will feel healthy and vibrant again although it will be different.  I have so many tools now and so many people to turn to for help. We can't give what we don't have to give also & for some reason I have turned to some very cold people for help.  Or seemingly cold.  Just empty cups.  Or again - seemingly empty cups.  We all need to take care of ourselves also and let's face it - dealing with emotions is TrIcKY.  Tricky.  Yikes!  Okay time to go get ready for work.  I can't wait to go to a meeting!  God!  Also I can't wait to walk the dog - he makes me so happy.  So lucky I get to do that again.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Microwave Baked Potato

Years ago and I mean like 15 years ago my friend wrote a blog post about how she doesn't know how to do a lot of things but she knows how to sooth herself...make a baked potato in the microwave and I'm not sure what else but my mind was BLOWN by that concept.  Nobody taught me to self-soothe.  I think I was taught to beat myself up emotionally and stuff my feelings in whatever way possible.  Or maybe they just ignored me.  Or maybe they tried to talk to me and I was CRYING with everything in me because I was a little artist with a bagillion feelings and creative urges and no place to put them.  Or who knows.  Either way tonight I came home and I baked myself a potato, put ghee, pink Himalayan sea salt on it and fresh pepper and it was fucking delicious and SO SOOTHING. I was shocked by her blog post also because I was under the impression that POTATOES ARE BAD.  I have recently learned and I probably already wrote about this but I am going to say it again that potatoes are not bad - frying them and putting cheese all over them is bad for you.  TALK ABOUT SOOTHING THOUGH AM I RIGHT??  Ha.  FUCK.  Anyway ghee is just as fucking soothing.  Yikes.  I also made a little soup with arugula, garlic and micro broccoli greens & rice noodles.  YUM.  Anyway I am trying to soothe myself and recover from that crazy ass trip I went on.  I am struggling with feeling like I - you know I am not even going to give it any power.  I am struggling with soothing myself and letting myself heal.  But I got this.  I am reading a great book!  It's called "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business."  It's empowering and I love it.  I read a book while I was on my crazy trip called "Take Good Care of The Garden & The Dogs."  It was very sentimental and hard to read because EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER was about someone DYING and I honestly was like "IS THIS WOMAN OKAY!???"  But what was wonderful was she wrote about a man who stopped doing cancer treatment because he didn't see how it could cure him and instead he moved to Alaska to heal FROM THE LAND.  DID I WRITE ABOUT THIS ALREADY??  Fuck my chemo brain is in full action.  Anyway he is alive and well.  So I felt it was a sign to not take that fucking pill they want me to take.  I have to go to the doctor next week and I know they are going to try to convince me to do it but well - I do not want to still.  My daily walks and fresh foods plus meditation and healing are helping me.  What isn't helping is when I don't go to alanon and then I think I am the most wrong person that ever existed.  But guess what?  I went and I feel better and now I am SELF-SOOTHING.  I am fucking full from that soup.  Who says that?  Is it even a thing?  To be full from soup and a potato??  I GUESS SO.  Love you Bluebie bye!!

MRI

Went by myself yesterday to get my MRI that I had scheduled but them also needed because my mammogram showed something.  This week and the last 2 weeks have been CRAZY.  I got stuck in an airport on the way back from this job and it was nuts.  There was a state of emergency and they closed the airport.  No flights in or out and no one working in the airport.  It was fucking nuts.  We all had to stay together and you know what I am not even going to get into it.  I slept on a hard bench and I was SO PROUD of myself!  I was a fucking trooper.  Anyway I just got an email from the Dr. well I don't know - I got the report.  I don't think I was supposed to but I did and unless I am reading it incorrectly I am okay.  FUCK.  FUCKING FUUUUUUCK.  I just cried for 5 minutes.  My holistic doctor says I will have certainty....that I will be able to be certain I am okay and although I have done so much to be okay I still wasn't sure.  Plus they scared me at the mammogram.  Anyway thank God.  I am crying again.  I don't want to cut my boobs off and I don't want to take a pill that is going to make me sick.  I just don't okay?  I don't want to and it's okay that I don't want to.  Fuck I am really crying. God this has all been so intense.  Anyway I also thought I was going to get fired from my job because I went to this other country and then got trapped in an airport that was closed for a state of emergency and that was SO CRAZY.  Anyway they didn't fire me although I was late today and I felt like they were going to although the other night the mom said she wasn't going to she promised.  COULD I BE MORE STRESSED OUT!?  I guess so if I had my own kids.  I don't think I am making a lot of sense and now I have to wake up at 4:30 to bring my guy to get his own test done.  I am exhausted.  Who knew I could do any of this?  I did not know.  God please help me to continue to be strong, be grateful and grow.  Get out of my own way and trust.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Just melted my curling iron.

Yeah I didn't know that could happen either.  I guess where I am the electrical current is stronger?  Or the conversion thing makes it hotter?  I have no fucking clue but my hair looks fantastic.  So there's that!  But the tip melted off my curling iron and now my room smells like burnt glue.  Again my hair is so cute.  Agh!  It's a convertor not a conversion - well wait it's a conversion thing actually.  ANYWAY.  I jogged by the ocean today in the pouring rain.  Rain dripping out of my eyes!  I was so proud of myself!  I really have no fucking idea who I am.  We weren't working today so I had plenty of downtime and I took care of myself.  Now I am bored out of my fucking mind and I just remembered other stuff I could be working on but I had forgotten until just now.  I did write a short script so that was good.  Hmmmmm - I haven't had dinner but I have been snacking in my room for hours and now I'm not hungry.  I think they are going to need us super early so I am just waiting to hear about that because you know it takes me for fucking EVER to get ready so I have to plan.  I'm working with these kids and at breakfast this morning the girl said I seem a little crazy.  UM - that's so mean!  Haha and I was literally acting AS NORMAL as I possibly could.  I really am wondering what she even based that on since she has not stopped talking about herself since I met her. HA.  No seriously.  I mean I never even talk very much when I first meet people.  I wait to display my crazy thank you very much and I will have you know that I am THE MOST NORMAL CRAZY PERSON you will ever meet.  Ugh!  I can't give my power away!  I just can't!  I need to breathe and take care of myself and stay in myself.  She was probably just trying to be funny but it didn't sound like a funny tone of voice.  She didn't laugh either.  She also had that judgy look in her eye.  Okay whatever.  I wrote it down, I complained about it - I got it off my chest and now we can move on.  She's not going to be my best friend and she just showed her cards.  Great.  I can like her anyway and just be cautious.  Yeah - all good.  She doesn't know me.  I am a little crazy but not for why she thinks.  Who knows what she thinks!  I'm doing great with all my alanon stuff right?  HEALTHY STUFF OVER HERE.  I can't find any meetings here - well I found a guy but I didn't get his email back in time to find out the meeting is over already tonight.  Good Lord I am getting tired.  Okay well LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!  I am so happy I have you to talk to while I am here.  xoxoxo

Well so here I am...

doing what I love again.  I am working on another acting job and I am pinching myself because it's in such a cool place!  So that's what I was so worried about - I booked it and then had no idea what was happening.  I went to 3 auditions for it!  So fucking exciting and surreal.  So surreal!  Anyway I am trying to stay positive....my babysitting job didn't like it so that was fucking with my head....then a sponsee got upset with me and that fucked with my head.  However what I learned with her is that I can't help anyone.  I can't!  I have been hearing people say it for years.  YEARS.  That all we do in the program is share our experience and then people will do with it what they will.  So with this sponsee I just have helped SO MUCH & told her the answers over & over again and now I am angry but what is really good is that I don't want to do this to myself.  I don't!  How wonderful is that?  She will be okay but I won't be if I continue with this behavior.  I mean maybe she won't be but she wouldn't be even if I hurt myself trying to help her.  Either way it's not up to me.  God what a fucking relief to finally realize this.  So the challenge now is to somehow be kind when I say this isn't working for me.  Which I think I can do because I love her and I don't want the friendship to be ruined.  My guy said to me that it's the alanon defect - that we help so much until we are angry about it.  Ew.  Years ago - God I can't believe I'm going to say this but this woman was basically trying to make me feel better about something - I was so upset.....crying - a real mess.  Feeling super sorry for myself and she talke dot me a little bit, made a suggestion and then she said "Woooo - dealing with feelings!  Ugh!"  Then she shook herself off and said she had to go because she wanted to enjoy her day.  She went out into the sunshine in her cute outfit and I thought she was jus the biggest cunt on the face of the planet.  Now I get it.  I mean I needed HELP.  I was a drunk, high mess and that woman was not going to be able to help me.  I mean she was being cunty for sure but she was taking care of herself.  So my challenge is to be kind & loving while I take care of myself and not make this person feel like I am dismissing.  I mean she is so difficult so it's enraging.  But that doesn't matter - she isn't well and I am sorry for that but it's not because of me and there isn't one thing I can do about it.  My experience is that I do and have done the work.  For a long time.  I hope one day at a time I continue to do the work.  So that's it!  That's my experience.  What is also my experience is every single time I try to hard with a sponsee it doesn't work out anyway because I get angry.  The I am the cunty one!  Isn't it crazy that the kindest thing I can do is say "Okay well that's all I have to give.  That's how I did it - that's all.  I love you!  You can do it if you want to."  Now I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.  Love you Bluebie bye.

My energy...

is coming back.  This time last year I was till so tired and now I feel so much better.  I just am starting to feel like I felt 20 years ago.  Did I say this already?  I just can't fucking believe it.  I mean I used to just drag myself around and I was always exhausted.  I am amazed at what I got done even though I was SO so tired.  Ugh!  I feel so bad for that tired person!  How fucking long did I have cancer for?  Plus I had 2 kinds!  It's just surreal and insane and I am so fucking grateful that I feel better.  I am sure a huge reason I feel better is because I eat completely different and I am able to exercise and I don't eat dairy anymore.  I think it's fine for some people but it is horrible for me.  But GOD I fucking loved it!!  Who doesn't??  Good news there's nut cheeses now and they are super tasty!  Greaaaaaat.  Anyway I am still sitting here waiting to hear about this thing and holy fuck have I been learning patience.  It's uncomfortable to go slow.  It really is.  Side note I had 3 cups of coffee today which has probably helped my energy level tremendously.  I mean but it's different you know?  It really is.  It was such a pretty day today - gorgeous sunny fall day.  It's amazing ot be alive and in the sunshine during the day.....I used to miss entire days......it was so sad.  I just love being awake during the day!  I mean I am a night person also but I just really get off on being alive when the world is alive - it's awesome!  I had a  really great show last night although it was a challenge.  Big open bar with giant TV's and a DJ?  Ha - fucking comedy - so ridiculous.  They turned down the TVs for the show and the DJ stopped also - it was fun.  IT was great to get my mind off this waiting.  Did I tell you about that guy who I saw interview another guy in the hotel room?  Not in a creepy way but about cancer?  And how they were saying the opportunity that cancer gives you is to change everything....and do you know that I have eaten more vegetables in the last 10 months than in the last 10 years??  I mean maybe not but maaaaaaybe!  I started to change all my food right before I found out I had cancer but now it's like a 180...I also never - okay almost never eat French fries anymore - delicious, crispy French fries.  It's okay - I make yummy healthy potato things at home.   I love being at home.  I'm at home right now!  Just sitting here with the dryer going waiting for my guy to come home.  Nice & boring.  I don't think I am going to get any answers about what I am waiting to hear about right now so I just have to plan my day for tomorrow.  LOVE YOU byeeeeeee.

Flipping Out.

At the moment I am freaking out.  Okay I am not freaking out anything like I used to freak out and it has been a really nice day.  I got to go for a nice , sunny walk.  I went to my ladies meeting and did stepwork with a sponsee.  I'm waiting to hear about something and it is so fucking uncomfortable to wait.  I have a show tonight and I need to write for it....God I don't think I can do this - I'm just on my toes here and it's not helpful to write over & over again that I am uncomfortable and anxious.  I will write more later - love you Bluebie bye.

It takes me 5 hours to get ready

and that's before I take a shower!  WHAT THE FUCK.  That's how much self-care I am doing and GOD I need it - seriously but what the fuuuuuck.  How is that manageable??  By the time I'm ready I'm exhausted!  Ha.  Seriously though what the fuck.  It will get easier and take less time.  I'm proud of myself for taking great care of myself.  It's cloudy today so it was hard to get going taking care of myself but I did it.  Prayed, meditated, did the celery juice, yoga, walked, bands, healthy breakfast and I cried.  I have to get a cry in or my day hasn't really started yet.  I'm having so many new awarenesses and most of them are alanon related.  I just realized suddenly I can't help anyone whether they did or didn't ask for the help.  I can't help anyone AND I want people to change.  I want people to be different but, I need to be different.  I'm the one that needs to decide whether or not something is working for me.  I spent most of my life waiting for men to change until I realized I was the one who decided......and I was the one who needed to change......and now I have spent another decade waiting for women to change until I realized after a LOT of pain - that I am the one who needs to change.  Fucking siiiiiiigh.  Who the fuck knew?  Melody Beattie knew.  HA.  Because she writes all those books about codependency.  We struggle and struggle and struggle and then one little thing happens and we are like "Oh - oh I am supposed to take a left not a right and then I get there in 5 minutes instead of 3 days?  Okay - got it."  Now I am left with PRACTICING THIS and CONTINUING to take care of myself by saying what does and doesn't work for me.  Insulation.  Insulating myself.  Staying in myself.  IM THE CAPTAIN OF MY OWN DAMN SHIP MOTHERFUCKERS. Such a strange concept that we need each other but also we are separate.  This onion will continue to peel until it becomes another onion.  I am cracking myself UP today.  I have to go get a mammogram this week.  Terrified.  But also I am okay on some level.  I think I'm more worried about the pain of it.  I'm going to practice trusting.  Let go and let God.  Stay in my body and take care of it.  Love it.  Love myself.  Honor my life.  Trust that everything I am learning and doing to take care of myself is doing just that.  And I will also think about one day not going to these tests.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Growing Up.

I'm sitting here in my office on a Saturday for 2 minutes while I write this....I did a lot already today and I woke up at 6:30.  It's sunny & chilly - definitely a Fall day.  I just went and got groceries and I have a show later so I need to get ready for that.  I went to Alanon this morning....I was looking a for a new alanon sponsor but I didn't get one.  I did have a fantastic meeting and I felt so much better after I left.  I really do have both dis-eases.  I'm a completely self-centered drunk and then I am also driven MAD by other people's alcoholism and I want to fix them, change them, make them into something different so THAT THEY WILL BE OKAY.  And then!  I will be okay.  Well I did that with men and it never worked and now I have done it with SO MANY female relationships and guess what?  Didn't work.  But the good news is that now I am learning all the time a different way to live.  Recently and by recently I mean this week I had yet another one of these things happen and it has been driving me mad.  Today I heard though to "take a step back" and that this is the healthy thing to do.  I was doing that but I was mad.  I'm still mad.  This person asked for my help but doesn't like the help because the help is recovery and they don't want to do that.  Which I understand but that's what I have to give.  Soooooo basically this person told me I'm not nice & to back off.  Which hurt my feelings but also was enraging mainly because I need alanon.  I need to take care of myself and focus on myself and fucking stop trying to save, fix & help other people.  This person wants a relationship with me but not really.  They want a therapist or I don't know a babysitter but not a relationship.  Not a back &forth REAL RELATE-TIONSHIP.  But okay do I?  Is that what I want?  I must equally be responsible for this unhealthy thing that has happened.  I am attached to the outcomes and WOW it's fucking painful & feels unattainable.  So huge sigh.  I am just going to take care of myself today and let space come between us from a place of love.  I'm going to let it go for right now.  I'm going to do my work and eventually talk to my sponsor.  One thing I learned from this new sponsor is that we walk side by side with people in these programs...side by side....and this work is supposed to help me.  I know she is being my teacher right now but it is causing me distress and I can't sleep.  So this isn't helping my sobriety.  It's okay I can feel it will be okay but not today.  Oh boy.  Well.  I just got SO TIRED.  Gotta exercise - keep up my strength as it gets cold out.  Get out in that fresh air!  Move my muscles and bounce my cells around so my immune system is pumping.  Yup.  Yuuuuuuuuup.  Bye.

Okay.

Well I am here and I made it through September.  It's a been a crazy month.  Started a new job...shows, auditions, tons of shit and it was a great month.  I also went to court 3 times for that unfortunately crazy woman.  Turns out I was in the wrong court because we are not family and that's okay.  My friend is a lawyer and she told me what I can do instead.  Also the judge said to stay away from each other and I told the judge (and she was right there as well) that I will call 911 again.  So - that's - that.  I mean not really but that's what happened.  Boy did I follow through!  I went and got the police report...went to court TWICE and got her served by the police in her town....and then went to court and tried to get a restraining order.  I literally had no idea I could do any of that and I did it all almost by myself.  My friend came with me to court when crazy pants was going to be there and thank god because I almost shit myself when she actually showed up.  So anyway I am fucking completely convinced she is reading this.  Is that possible?  Um - I have no idea.  I'm answering myself.  Let me tell you what....if you have someone follow you in a certain type of car and then you start looking out for that person you are going to realize there is 100000000000 of these fucking cars.  Um a bagillion.  I'm fidning this so difficult because I feel like she is reading this.  Oh no!  I'm officially losing my mind!!!  I have a ton of shit to do anyway so I will write more in a few days.  I miss writing on here more!  I was so excited to day to get to write.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

That's a saying in the program but as I write this I am guessing it is also a saying in regular life as well?  I mean it's true...if I keep doing the same shit - the same shit is going to keep happening.  The difficult part for me is recognizing that it is so so so sooooo uncomfortable to sit through the discomfort of doing something differently.  God.  SO uncomfortable.  Anyway - well this is a great problem to have.  Being uncomfortable from good things.  I have a show this afternoon and I swear to God I don't know how I am going to do it!  I am so tired.  Fuck.  Drive into the city and work hard because it's a small bar show and it's tough workout.  But I am lucky I get to do it and a tough workout is a good workout.  I can do it - I just have to do exactly what I am doing and write.  Write, write write.  Sigh.  I just sighed.  It's an absolutely gorgeous and stunning day.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I really can.  Little bit at a time.  Breathe.  Do my best.  Stay present.  Breathe.  Trust.  Ah!  Tough one but I can do that too.  Little bit each day.  Just like sobriety.  Slowly move forward.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

This week!

Good Lord.  Okay well I did it.  I did this week.  I did shows, auditions, worked, and did other things.  What?  I just honestly don't feel like getting into it but I will at another time.  I get to celebrate my anniversary tomorrow night and I am excited about that.  I get to take care of myself tomorrow.  I don't feel super secure in the new job yet but I am working hard and trying to not do what I did at the boutique which is work SO HARD and do jobs no one asked me to do and then get angry because I'm not being compensated.  Whatever they ask me to do - I do - plus some extra stuff if I have time and then that's that.  I'm super grateful and if they would like something else they will need to say that.  No mind reading.  I just got back from a show right now & it was a LONG wait to go up and the show was way too long but I still had fun and I still got them somehow.  Luckily the guy who went up before me did well so that helped.  Anyway....I'm exhausted but this time last year I could have never done all this.  I was in treatment still and God - I was tired.  So tired!!   I could barely do anything.  So it feels really good to be busy and active.  I love the dog of the new family...I get to walk him all the time so that's great.  I love the cat also but I don't get to walk him.  I feed him.  And talk to him!  He's so old but he's still got it!  Wow thank God tonight was a good show - the last one I did I fucking ate a DICK.  It was awful.  But also - fuck it - that's comedy and that's how we get strong.  I didn't stick to the script that night and I bombed.  I didn't tonight either but I kept going back to the script so that was good.  Who the fuck knows!?  Tonight I had fun.  I did the other night too but not as much.  I was so tired.  Also it happens!  We eat a lot dicks.  Okay I have to go to sleep.  WOW.  WOW has so much changed!!  Love you Bluebie bye!!

Mountain Highway

I was in a play last night and somehow got lost leaving and ended up in the mountains.  Yeah I don't know but one minute I left the theatre then suddenly I going over some little bridge that I have never seen before. I turned around and went back over the bridge and luckily there was a girl in the toll-booth and I told her I was lost and that I had no idea how I even got where I was.  she laughed and I realized I had on HUGE glittery false eyelashes and a ton of makeup from the play and my hair was ENORMOUS.  So anyway she told me to go straight and I did but then I ended up on a mountain and driving some crazy mountain path with a WHITE SUBARU like Barbara's right on my tail the whole time.  I was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.  I also just kept DRIVING because I was like I can not pull over - I don't even know where I am and how the fuck could the police even find me??  So I got off the mountain finally and back towards where I was supposed to get back on the highway to get home where I got lost  - AGAIN.  WITH a gps for fuck's sake!  At that point the Subaru finally sped off.  I guess even BARBARA gets tired and needs to get some rest.  I doubt it was her although whoever it was felt very aggressive and they were following me so close I couldn't see their headlights.  So yeah there you go.  And to be honest - that's the story of my life.  If I am not paying attention I get lost.  WHEREEVER I GO.  Is that true?  I mean I am constantly getting lost in the city and I lived there for SEVENTEEN YEARS.  Do you think she is reading this blog?  Do you think she thinks I'm a good writer?  HAHAHAAA.  That really made me laugh.  HA.  Wow.  This is really explaining why I haven't slept in months.  I mean I think a huge part was the chemo and I am not a great sleeper anyway but something had felt off.  Do you think my animal instincts knew she's been following me?  I'm not sure how much I can trust my animal instincts given I get lost every 2 seconds but well - who the fuck knows.  I know now and get this part....so the police called to tell me that they called her and said to stop following me - right?  The first officer I spoke to said that she understands I don't want any contact and I said okay thank you so much.  Then another officer calls me that wasn't there for the incident but is the one who spoke to her.  He said "It was a very civil conversation and she certainly was surprised and absolutely understands you wishes."  I said "She was surprised about what exactly?" He said "Well I don't know your history but she was surprise the police were called."  And he seemed annoyed that I was shocked she would say that.  I was a t the kids house so I didn't say "I SAID I WAS CALLING THE POICE BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WAS FOLLOWING ME AND NOT GOING TO HURT ME."  Plus my guy had a full order of protection from her so REALLY IS THAT A SURPRISE??  I was so mad - I was so so mad until....Until I realized she had somehow charmed this man into thinking that she was the victim.  Which means she is fucking dangerous.  She is boil the fucking bunny crazy.  She is out of her fucking mind.  She followed me for MILES almost to my job and even followed me off a side street and continued to talk to me after I said multiple times - LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.  Okay anyway I clearly don't feel safe yet and I am still angry.  I need to breathe.  I have to stay calm.  On a very real level I feel terrible for her.  It has been so long since they have been broken up and I don't even think she wants anything to do with me - I think she wants my guy.  It's so sad.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

A minute to write....

I have a few extra minutes today to write thank God.  Wait this was part of what I have scheduled actually.  Okay so anyway I have time to write.  I called the police from yesterday and are you ready for this?  They called her, left a message and she called back.  She said she understood that I don't want any contact and for some reason it seems so utterly bizarre to me.  In my head I just see her being like "Oh that's nice the police called, I'm just going to call them back on my way to yoga.  Oh she doesn't want to talk to me?  That's odd - I've been watching her videos.  Okay thank you for calling!"  Okay anyway I will move forward with getting the report and going to the court for a restraining order.  I had an audition today and it COMPLETELY felt like someone was following me there but not on my way back.  It's a building you can't get into anyway so she couldn't have followed me to the office.  Of course this is an opportunity...something inside of me is strengthening from this & perhaps healing.  That part of me that feels like I don't matter is like OH I MATTER - A LOT.  BYE FELCIA.  God I almost didn't go on the audition.  But I have worked so hard - so so hard and I love it more than anything.  I can't hide or - I don't know what - get pushed to the ground?  What in the fuck was I going to say?  No clue.  Such CHALLENGES right now!  It's okay - gotta go write for my show tonight - love you Bluebie bye.
  I REMEMBERED.  I know that all of this is doing something for her - I can feel it.  Now she has contact right?  But I can't have it.  I know there needs to be a paper trail also and so oh well - but I do know this - I don't want any contact.  No contact.  Zero contact.  Do you know how hard that is for a people pleasing alanonic person to say??  VERY.  Okay bye.

Barbara is back - if she ever left - a document.

Well once again I am writing to have evidence of Barbara Driscoll being a stalker.  She followed me on the highway almost to my job but I finally realized I was being followed and pulled off on a side street because I was like "There is no way I am bringing this person to my job where there are children!!"  Meanwhile the whole time she was following me I thought I was crazy.  Anyway I finally pull over and pull off the side of the road and she pulls up next to me and I roll the window down and just rolls up, rolls her window down and when I said to her in complete shock "Are you following me!?"  she says "Yes."  Cool as a fucking psychotic cucumber.  Then I said "You need to leave immediately I am calling 911."  She says "I'm not going to hurt you."  OH OKAY.  Then I said "You need to leave right away I am getting a restraining order against you and I am calling 911."  Then she says "I have watched all your videos because you keep sending them to me."  I HAVE NOT SENT HER ANYTHING (but thank you for watching our videos!).  I blocked her on facebook and I do not and have not had anything to do with her other than her coming to my house.  Okay so then I tell her to leave again and I say I haven't sent her anything and then I finally call 911 and when I am talking to them she finally drove away.  I happened to pull down a dead end so she eventually had to drive back out and I was able to get her license plate and then the cops came.  I got her number from my guy and they made a report.  As soon as I was done working I went right to the police department in my town and told them everything as well.  I just realized I had to call 911 on 9/11.  Anyway then when I left the police station there were 2 cops outside and I told them everything as well.  I will not have it.  I work with children and I WILL NOT HAVE IT BARBARA DRISCOLL.  GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.  I will continue to call the police every single time I see you and I will be going to the court with these reports and trust me when I tell you that you have fucked with the wrong person now.  I don't fuck around when it comes to children so step the fuck off.  STEP THE FUCK OFF. 

The worst part is that I thought someone has been following me quite a few times - in the city, on Fridays when I go to therapy....oh I guess that's a routine so she could expect a pattern?  I have even stopped and looked around...waited.....I thought I was losing my mind.  My grocery store parking lot - that one big time for some reason - the parking lot?  Even today I thought I was crazy on the highway but I slowed down to 40 and she wouldn't pass and I still wasn't sure till I got off my exit for work and it's an odd exit and an odd place for a car to have been going the same exact direction since basically my house.  Well thank God my instincts kicked into high gear before I could talk myself out of calling the police.  And thank God I didn't go to the kids house because I never would have called 911 because I wouldn't have wanted to scare them.  My sponsor said I can take care of myself now with this whole thing and I slept for a little bit but then I have been awake since 3:00 am.  It has been years - over 7 years since they have been separated and they have been divorced at least 4 years?  Something like that.  He had a full stay away restraining order against her and she rolled up next to me like we are casual friends.  I have to tell you the thing that disturbed me the most was her saying she has watched all my videos because I sent them to her.  That is some fucking Law & Order crazy shit right there.  I mean sent to her how?  And what?  I must have told to her to leave and leave immediately, get away from me at least 5-6 times.  And she didn't actually drive away until I called 911.  Well I promised myself after she came to my house that if she did it again that that's what I would say and I said it!  And I did it.  So well ugh now I have to deal with all of this but I will.  I have an audition this morning and I was really worried that maybe I shouldn't go but my guy was like you have to go.  Okay now I am getting tired again - maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get ready to go.  God it's been a rough week.....this new job is so challenging and 9/11 and then this.  Well it has all happened for a reason.  I don't know what it is but it has.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

A List.....

As in ahhh list not A list like A list actors.  All day long as I go about my day I think of things to write on this blog.  Often I get tired and busy and then I never write about what I was thinking about.  I am a little backed up right now writer-wise...I have gotten so busy and I started a new job that is very distracting.  Life is good and I am seeing progress in my career as well which is such a blessing.  It's hard to write that but I am forcing myself to from a loving, strong, supportive place in myself.  I want to honor and respect the work I do and the artist that I am.  It's uncomfortable but it's okay.  Anyway I thought I would write a list of the titles I have thought of for different posts even though I don't have time to actually write the posts at this moment.  Okay here we go - in no particular order:

My Left Arm Dried Up Chicken Bone Wing (on the inside)

The Drilling Everywhere

Salads, Salads & More Salads

Being Hard On Myself (Ew & Oh!)

Taking A Time-Out To See What's Really Going On

New Job, New Attitude

Patience

Healing With Food

Don't Push Your Dairy On Me!

The Lies Other People Tell

What I am Responsible For

Alanon

Detaching With Love - the HARDEST Thing To Do

Stopping Unhealthy Behaviors Long Enough To Allow Things To Shift

LIVING WITHIN MY MEANS - A HORROR FILM!

Okay that's all I got right now.  I need to go to work and I am so missing writing more.  I am missing writing.  I have written myself a writing schedule now for 2 months and haven't been able to follow it but today I got to write this so it's a start.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tired but sitting..

on the couch!  In our apartment!  My favorite place to be!  Tomorrow I have 10 years sober.  TEN yeaaaars sober.  Holy fuck!  What a 10 years it has been.  I am struggling these last couple of days - the depression is wanting to pull me down but I'm not letting it.  I met with my sponsor today for 2 hours and I have been working hard on myself.  I am starting my new job tomorrow - I sort of started it already but now they are in school and I will be going 5 days a week.  I have been so so busy with everything but I am also taking care of myself.  It's surreal.  It is really a testament to sobriety.  To the program.  To the programs.  I have a different life which is wonderful but now after cancer I am also changing or allowing my inner life to shift as well.  My perception is shifting.  My sense of myself and my self-worth.  Good God that's why they wish people a long slow recovery in this program!  It's all so different and they are such HUGE changes.  I mean I don't even know - it's mind-blowing.  Again - it's surreal.  The inside changes aren't even anything that anyone can see although I do look very different now - but that's from cancer.  I look older and I am a little more beat up but I look better.  The program (AA) has all these promises right?  We are promised to be happy, joyous and free.  We are promised serenity.  I am not going to say I am exactly there but I will tell you that I am not enraged inside myself while pretending I'm fine.  I am trying to match my insides and my outsides.  I also am becoming a much more authentic person and I have help.  I have people who help me make decisions.  I never made decisions.  I hurtled through life enraged and just so so unhappy.  Honestly I don't even want to think about any of that.  I want to live & enjoy this day and take care of myself.  I think I am going to treat myself right now to an extra meditation.  I have so much to do for this week but today is a day off and a day of healing.  I will say this - even though I could barely work those ten years ago - I wasn't really ever resting.  So now I rest.  Not as often as I would like but moving out here has helped and I'm practicing it more & more.  I get so much more done when I rest.  So it's a new life & a new time.  I am moving on.  I am also staying right here.  Right now today I am not picking up a drug or a drink.  I didn't even eat a dessert at lunch with my sponsor and she asked me if I wanted one!  Gonna meditate - love you Bluebie bye

Can't Sleep.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  I read for awhile but nope.  Rested, did my breathing exercises, tried a body scan meditation and nothing.  What are you gonna do?  I finally just got up and decided to write.  I had rehearsal today and jogged in the park.  The guy & I had dinner together and it was a nice day.  This play is sooooooo much lighter to work on - God Lord thank you!  We are laughing at rehearsals and it's been a really nice experience.  I am working hard on my programs and yeah - at all my stuff.  I am uncomfortable and I am so happy to have therapy tomorrow - God so happy.  I just have these resentments floating around in my head but I have been writing letters to people because that's what my sponsor has suggested so that's what I am doing.  I have been very honest with her and she is being very kind and helpful.  I am so grateful.  I am growing away from a drink - at least today and that is the important piece.  I drank coffee a little bit late in the afternoon today so that's why I am up still I think.  I have to say the brain is so crazy because right now my brain wants to tell me it is all these other things that are keeping me up but in general I haven't felt well today....just tired after jogging and maybe a little too thirsty and run down all day.  So I don't feel great but it isn't really anything or anyone that did it.  But my brain wants to attach things to it. 

I feel better from treatment and I think I am definitely healing and detoxing from it.  I wish my nails would grow back - they are just like paper.  My toenails just peel off like little sheets of paper - it's so weird.  They were always so strong - literally like nails.  I don't know - that part is depressing I think but it's okay.  Ego check.  I feel a little lonely....things are changing but I know it's for the best.....it's just right now I am in that time where I have to not have anything while I wait for what is better and healthier to come.  It's a time of patience and trust.  Yeah.  God - so hard.  Well this helped.  I think I am going to just stay here on the couch and meditate again out here.  It's nice and quiet and the cicadas are chirping - I love that sound so much.  Summertime sounds.  Everything seems so surreal this year because I am alive still.  It's such an inside job now...now that I am older and that I just know so deeply that that is what was missing before.  Serenity.  I want serenity.  Not relief although I do want that but serenity.  Happiness.  Gnight sweet Bluebers.

New Jobs.

I'm working at a new job.  I miss the other kids so much but the new kids are so cool and I booked an acting job that I'm at right now.  It was a long trip but I memorized my lines for the play I'm in so I used my travel time well.  I had to wake up at 5:00 so I am sooooo tired but I went to bed early last night so it's okay.  I feel like I should go to the gym but I also literally want to go to bed and it's still light out.  Okay it's really early.  I wish I could walk outside - I wonder if I could?  I can't figure out how the phone works in my room!  It's cordless and yeah - don't get it.  Anyway I am here and it's so fucking awesome!  In general I am feeling so much better and I can do so much more without getting overwhelmingly exhausted.  I really took my time packing and getting ready and I still forgot to bring some tea with me.  Darn.  It's okay - I will get better at this part.  Also I will be able to bring more food with me like - meals not just snacks.  The food here looks SO GOOD but it's all brie wheels and double cheeseburgers - whoa.  Like fancy double cheese burgers but still.  So anyway.....I had an impossible burger or it's called a beyond burger and it was GOOD.  Which means it's probably totally unhealthy but at least it was vegan.  OKAY.  So.  So that's what I got going on - just new jobs and moving on into my life......so weird.....10 years ago at this time I was still drinking...I was trying so hard to stop...going to meetings and I had cut back sooooooo much and I had cut back sooo much on pot.  It was still a problem and I was a mess.  God I am so fucking grateful right now that I am sober.  I mean all the time I am but to be able to do what I love again is mind-blowing to me.  If you told me 10 years ago I would be able to do this again I don't think I would have believed it.  I mean if you told me I would get cancer, get so sick, go bald and then everything would get even better I really would NOT HAVE BELIEVED THAT SHIT.  Okay well it did and YAY.  Today is a good day and I am going to make it better by exercising.  I'm reading Liver Rescue by the medical medium and it's so crazy.  Good crazy.  OH - it's all about the fat?  Did you know that?  Yup - fats not good.  WHO KNEW.  I guess all the people who don't eat a lot of fat.  I did just have potato chips but OH WELL.  Haha ugh I am laughing but I really don't eat them like EVER anymore.  I used to eat them - everyday.  So.  So don't do that whoever you are.  Eat them once every 6 months or do whatever you want but take it from me - my diet of potato chips and peanut m&m's was not successful.  Okay getting in my workout clothes and going to the gym.  xoxo!

My Throat.

What I was trying to say yesterday that I never fully expressed was that I have issues from both sides of my family and from both of my Grandmothers.  Today is a new day and today after much discomfort this morning I have realized that I am an emotional cutter.  I use to chew my lip - a LOT - just chew and chew.  One time a friend asked me while watching me chew my lip if I was ever a cutter and I said no and then thought to myself "How fucking rude."  HA.  Well so this morning I once again got my feelings hurt and I called my guy and said "Blah blah blah" it doesn't matter and he said - let's see if I can say it..."You aren't eating donuts so you are just self-harming by thinking about these 2 people who have hurt you" and UGH I can't remember how he said it.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that I just sit and EXAMINE this stuff and make myself SICK.  So after he said that I got on the treadmill and then I JOGGED and SWEATED and my thinking shifted in my BRAIN and then I felt like I was going to barf so I finished up and I rested and now I don't feel as awful.  I'm upset that it is taking so much work for me to operate in the world but also - I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm not drinking or doing drugs anymore and now I do feel better physically so I can exercise and burn that crazy off of me.  It's okay.  It's really okay.  I am learning all the time.  I am learning all the time and the part of the world that I motor through will be better for it.

So why my throat?  I don't know.  It feels weird but I think it's my thyroid healing.  Coming alive?  Who the fuck knows.  I can feel it.  I can feel my throat.  Yeah I don't know I just spent a minute touching it with my eyes closed and I have no clue.  Expression.  Yeah.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Ps It's hard not to feel selfish writing so much about myself but I really do feel this is the work many, many of us have to do...and this is a sort of journal for anyone interested in this way of life.  These types of writings have helped me immensely - truly.  It's helps me also...to get clarity and to get it out of me.  Byeeee.

My Grandmother.

I had 2 grandmothers - one was Grandma or Grandmama and the other was Grandmother.  So formal right?  She was my Mom's mom and she lived far away and I didn't really know her very well.  We saw her in the Summer sometimes and occasionally other times.  I don't remember her very well....I liked their house and she always struck me as - formal.  My grandmama was my Dad's mom and she lived near us and we saw her tons.  We would go there on Sunday night's and watch TV - the Lawrence Welk show mostly and that's when I realized I wanted to be an entertainer.  Anyway she was super loving and great but also difficult.  It always confused me.  Anyway so Grandmother was married to Grandfather and he was an artist and he painted different family members and he did a painting of her that's in my mom's house now.  She's older and sitting at the table with her hand on her throat - because she always had her hand on her throat....and do you know I always remember looking at that and thinking how odd and compelling it was.  I do it now - I put my hand on my throat as if I am protecting it or I don't know - healing it somehow?  Grandmama was angry.  I'm angry.  I am going to say I think Grandmother felt stifled and do you know - I feel and have felt stifled my entire life.  Vocally.  Emotionally.  I'm emotional and it makes people very very uncomfortable......

Cut to this morning...I am having a hard time in the mornings....the menopause is magnifying my alcoholism that I wake up with.  I'm very uncomfortable and sad.  It burns off eventually in the afternoon but it' painful.  Then I think about different people that have hurt me for some reason and this morning I thought about someone who I am not friends with anymore and how hard it was to be friends with her because I could never truly express myself and I couldn't resolve anything.  You know I was just going to write some examples but it doesn't matter.  This is what matters....she wasn't being like that because of me.  She wasn't actively trying to hurt me.  She has got shit to work out just like we all do and she is doing her best.  It wasn't a good fit friendship-wise and I took many steps back which was much kinder ultimately than being in a friendship and being resentful ALL THE TIME.  Which is what was happening.  So when I was walking I was thinking about how I couldn't express myself around her - she out a hand up to whatever I wanted and tried to work out with her.  Then I thought "SEE THIS IS WHY MY GRANDMOTHER HAD HER HAND AT HER THROAT - SHE WAS ALONONIC AND COULDNT EXPRESS HERSELF."  Then I realized that I can do whatever I want.  I can say whatever I want.  I can be whatever I want.  I get the FEELING I can't express myself but it isn't true.  If I continue to live from that place it's okay but I don't have to.  I made a healthy choice to no longer be friends with her but now I can also be kind about it.  This what my sponsor said last week and it blew my mind..."I am kind to people who are kind to me and if someone is not kind to me - I am still kind to them - but from a distance."  WOW.  What's the point of moving away from that friendship if I am going to carry around the resentment still?  I mean I think part of my issue is that I think I can't feel my anger I have around her and the people like her that I attract.  But I can - I can feel whatever I want but good GOD girl - let it the fuck GO.  I went through CANCER and cancer TREATMENT and it was HARD and it put me into early menopause - suddenly and my life is forever changed.  I am BETTER for it so seriously - let it go.  I can let it go.  I can let it go and now I have a sober reference for when someone like that comes into my life.  I have a choice and I can also be kind.  Starting with myself.  Starting with today.  Which I have done so far and this helped.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Olive Kitterage & Boar's Head Meats

I'm reading Olive Kitterage and I am obsessed with Boar's Head's meats.  GOD.  They are so fucking GOOD.  I put them on little square rice cake cracker thins.  With thinly sliced red onion and little greens.  I forgot what they are called - micro-greens?  They are thin whispy mixtures of different greens and I LOVE them.  They have fun names like - I don't know I can't remember that either?  French something?  Mexican something?  Who the fuck knows but I am too tired to get up and go look at the name of the one I have right now.  I'm so tired.  I am exercising more and outside so I am TI.  TI-TI.  It's warm and sunny and it feels GOOD but yeah - TI.  So.  So well  Idon't know - oh right - Olive Kitterage.  WELL.  I was walking to therapy and I walked by this famous book store in the city and they had racks of cheap books outside - I had a few minutes so I perused a few racks.  One of them was cookbooks and I love cookbooks.  Well they were all weird but then Olive Kitterage was there and it was one dollar.  It was brand new and I got a really great feeling from it.  So I bought it.  Then I started to read it and I couldn't put it down.  I t won a Pulitzer and it is truly so well written.  I mean if I can be so bold as to know really what that means but there has been at least 3-4 words that I have never even SEEN in the book so - yeah - amazing.  I am kidding - I know that doesn't mean it's well written but just trust me - it's lovely.  What isn't lovely is that some of the people - most of the people in this book are MISerablllle.  Miserable.  Dark.  Sad.  Unwilling to do anything about it.  Angry.  What I find so fascinating is that Olive is this woman who doesn't drink - right?  She doesn't drink because she knows "If she drank she would be a guzzler."  But she is angry and all caught up in herself like an alcoholic without recovery.  This author has created a character who so clearly needs help but like all fucking alcoholics - refuses to get any help and doesn't think anyone knows better than her anyway.  I mean I know - why the fuck would anyone go to AA who isn't drinking and never did.  But GOD - it's so uncomfortable to read.  I'm nearing the end and it's looking like maybe she's softening a little.  Maybe?  Good grief - this book has made me appreciate these programs even more than I already did.  Oh that's the other thing - everyone (almost) is getting old in the book and they are DESTROYED by it.  So in conclusion I am SO GRATEFUL to be getting old in programs.  I mean at least today I am.  I just don't want to be miserable on the inside anymore and certainly not as I age and as I ease on down the road.  So many of them are in relationships that cause resentments - like continuous resentments, and I don't fucking want that either.  I just did 2 4th steps.  2 mini 4th steps.  A mini 4th step is when you work through why someone is a douche bag but at the end you figure out why you are a douche bag but ultimately that - what?  You aren't a douche bag.  Maybe they aren't either but that you have a choice next time.  You sort of clean up your spirit and soul and get rid of that resentment inside of yourself so you can lead a useful life.  Love you Bluebie bye.

One more thing

Well they say we came for our drinking and stay for our thinking and that is true for me.  I woke up upset and whatever and then I really thought t myself  "Whatever I'm thinking about right now is a lie or at least not true completely."  It helped.  I have choices over my thoughts - maybe not the first one but certainly if I have been thinking that thought for 5 minutes and it's making me feel bad!!  God - it is like walking through a wall of mud getting this stuff.  But it's okay.  I can choose differently.  I can CHOOSE ICE CREAM.  What?  Bye.

Today.

It's a new day and it still isn't easy but I feel slightly less enraged and I am in way less pain emotionally.  It was visceral yesterday - I could barely take it.  I still feel sad today but I don't feel hopeless.  I am impatient to get to where I want to be but also - I need to go slow because I just still have shit I need and want to untangle from my brain.  I am just still so shocked that this feeling was underneath everything.  It's like I was sitting on a tack and I had no idea until it got totally infected.  There is some relief in knowing that this feeling is there.  I can't quite explain it but I guess it's because it's the truth.  It's what is here and I can't change it if I'm not aware of it.  I can pull the tack out and then move towards healing.  So I guess that's what I am doing.  GOD - who has time to do this shit?  If I were working my other job right now I would not be able to do this.  I don't know maybe I would.  I would just have more to distract me and allow me to push it aside or push it back down - or put a delicious muffin on top.  And then pizza on top of that and then some French fries that I dip in a hot fudge caramel sundae.  YES.  That would numb this pain right the fuck UP.  I would also shit myself for at least an entire day at this point - since I don't really eat like that anymore......do you know what I am going to make for dinner?  Kale pizza crust with turkey pepperoni and vegan nut mozzarella cheese.  That sounds like it could make me shit myself for a full day also - although I don't think it will.  I also think part of what was happening is this....

I found a spot on my breast last week - 2 weeks ago?  Looked like a bruise - wait did I write about this?  I am going to look.  Okay no I didn't.  So I fond this spot and watched it and it seemed to get darker - I thought it looked like a bruise and I felt around my breast and I didn't feel a lump but that breast is tender and it made me nervous.  I kept watching it and it never went away and in fact just got  darker and then it seemed like it was in multiple spots which was alarming to say the least.  I was terrified to go to the doctor because I don't want a biopsy done and they want to cut my boobs off.  They keep saying to me "You can change your mind and do it whenever you want."  like it's a SWEATER that is going to go on sale.  FUCKING gross.  I am also not taking the pills - I can't.  Can you imagine how sad I am NOW and then also being on the pills?  Holy shit.  HOLY SHIT!  I couldn't do it.  God so I was terrified.  So I look it up and it can be a sign of a different type of cancer than the 2 I had so I was like holy fuck - what the fuck do I do??  So I just decided to try to heal myself with my mind or some INSANE shit like that and then also just really checked in with myself and even though emotionally I am having a hard time and I am still recovering physically - I do not feel how I felt when I had cancer.  I felt REALLY awful.  I know it sounds crazy but it doesn't FEEL like I have cancer right now.  SO then I didn't know what to do.....so I went to the beach 2 times.  The second time we were at the beach I put my sunscreen on at the beach - which I don't normally do...so I could see better...and as I put the sunscreen on my chest I notice the discoloration looks similar to the tanned skin on my chest and then I realize my bathing suit has these small strips of fabric holding the 2 boob parts together and I realize the discoloration is actually - TAN MARKS.  It's weird though because it's like little circles and not stripes so fuck I don't know - it took me all that time to figure it out!  Also I really just see so much better outside in the sunlight and I really couldn't tell that it was the same color as the rest of my tan parts when I was inside.  OH MY GOD.  So this is the thing I am going to live with but it's okay - I can and I can take care of myself - it's just a challenge.  Yeah.  So I'm sure that didn't help all my stuff emotionally.  Plus really 2 years ago right now - I knew I had cancer and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.  I just knew I had cancer.  Man this blog has saved my life.  Being able to write on her has been such a gift to me.  L8tr.  HA.

Do you want to rent some space in my head?

I love to let shit live in my head.  That's not true - I don't love it - it makes me sick - but I do it - A LOT - so I must love it.  Oh gosh - why can't I just let myself be fucking angry about it?  I am upset!  There is shit just taking up space in my sweet head and it exhausts me and doesn't leave room for creativity. Gross.  But what can I do?  I'm fully aware of it and hopefully I can just stop acting on it.  I have been suffering from depression lately - I think it's made worse from the menopause but WOW - today?  I woke up and it puuuuulled me DOWN.  Fuck.  Anyway my guy always says by 1:00 we lift out of it and I did.  I also ate 7 cookies - GLUTEN FREE - but yes 7 and I felt so much better.  I am just sad though.  I had this really long conversation with my sponsor about these situations I allow to happen that make me feel awful.  Worse than awful.  She asked me why I think I deserve that and I do not know.  It kept me up again last night - just her saying I deserve better and I guess that's it.  I mean this is what I did with men.  Until I finally gave up.  Now I am here and it's so painful and I keep not sleeping and that just makes everything worse.  It's okay.  I also realized something else..

I'm an actor and I want to make people feel as an actor BUT - I am alanonic and it makes me want to PUKE when anyone is upset or not feeling well.  I am always stopping myself so I don't upset people or say the worng thing or make them feel badly and WHAT A FUCKING CONUNDRUM.  What a conflict.  Holy shit.  I am like clamped up inside myself.  I always speak quietly at auditions - I'm just fucking terrified of myself and how it could hurt others.  Now I hear some douchebags voice in my head saying "That's just being self-centered toooo."  I guess it is.  Regardless I am at some fucking serious fork in the road and I do not feel well.  I don't know how to express it although this is helping.  I'm afraid of myself and hyper vigilant about the world around me and it's fucking exhausting.  I can't take it anymore.  How have I even gotten anywhere is beyond me.  I have always heard that I need ot get out of my own way.  I guess that's why I love writing.  It's easier.  IT's just me here and like 3 voices in my head that's it. Haha I am just kidding but I do have different voices or people opinions floating around but you know they aren't really here.  Maybe I don't deserve everything. Maybe I don't deserve to be making a living doing what I love and what I am passionate about.  But I know for a fucking fact that I do not deserve bullshit and I don't deserve to feel bad about myself and I certainly don't deserve lack.  I am fucking enraged.  I am enraged that I have settled for nothing in certain areas of my life - ENRAGED.  This program promises that we are happy, joyous and free and I want that.  A man in my group always says full time membership gets fulltime benefits and I FUCKING WANT THAT.  God I just am so angry.  This is different too - it's that I just have barked up that stupid fucking tree for the last time.  I know I'm not making any sense but it doesn't matter. 

I can sit with myself & be with myself and find the people.  I can trust in my God and I can find the people who trust in theirs.  I can find the brave ones.  I can find the people or let God bring them to me.  I can seek the love.  I can let myself free.  It's okay.  I fucking matter. A LOT.  We all do but I can't tell that to anyone.  Yeah.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.