Friday, November 8, 2019

Quarter Pounder With Cheese

I ate one last night.  I was so fucking mad & upset that I ate a fucking quarter pounder with cheese and it was HOT and fucking JUICY and it dripped all over my fingers and it made me feel better.  I honestly & truly thought to myself "Why is this so bad?  IT'S FUCKING GOOD & I feel better!"  It's better than drinking and who cares??  There's fucking raccoon that's always eating at that McDonald's and he's FINE.  He eats and then waddles back into the woods.  FINE.  Then 2 hours later I took the napkin out of my care - wait - it was like 20 minutes later,,,and then napkin with grease all over it was hard as a rock.  Fucking gross.  Anyway it's been the worst fucking week.  We worked SO HARD at this dumb show and hardly anyone came and my partner just lost her shit and it was really, really awful.  The show itself was great.  But it was awful and I am hurt because she was mean to me.  Dismissive and also outright spoke to me like I am a fucking idiot.  Then tonight I had 2 shows...I wasn't expecting much but I thought I was getting paid a certain amount and then he pays me TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.  Which OKAY I WILL TAKE IT.  But this si what is happening...that everyone else got paid and I am just what - so nice that I can be the one to not get paid?  And the show was a fucking SHIT SHOW.  Seriously.  Okay - it's okay.  It's not okay because I am worth something but it is okay because I have fucking had it.  I have had it.  I'm tired of giving it away for free AND I was one of the best parts of those shows.  Fuck the other comics were so angry and it really rubbed off on me.  So it didn't help trying to not talk shit about this guy all night and then he pays me $10.00?  HA.  Wow.  Okay well yeah - had it.  I did stick up for myself and ask how I was getting paid (which is when he venmoed me $10.00).  Then I said I thought I was getting paid more which he ignored.  Also why wasn't he there?  I DONT KNOW.  Fucking comedy is so shady.  People are so shady.  He has taken care of me almost all other times.  We also never got paid from this show we did last night either.  Which doesn't feel like is going to work out in my favor but it's okay.  It's okay - my time is coming and it's going to be grand.  Tomorrow I have the day off and I can get myself together.  Thank God I have other work that I do and that I am on a budget now.  What is going on with this guy that he would do something like that?  You know he was vague and used language that was - well vague.  So I suppose I misunderstood.  I didn't clarify.  So.  So okay.  It's not what I am supposed to be doing that's all.  Sure I can still work with him if I am going to get paid and I will ask and clarify.  He isn't making good choices.  So it isn't something I really want to invest a bunch of time in.  Jesus I am so trying to talk myself out of being so angry.  It's so unhealthy.  I'm sad.  I'm sad that people take advantage of other people.  I think what is really upsetting me is that he told me not produce a show someplace else - he strong armed me.  He said he couldn't book me anymore if that was what I was going to do.  I mean I couldn't care less - I didn't even know the other guy that asked me to do the show.  I just feel fucked with as far as money goes.  God I am so tired now.  I just want to feel my feelings and fucking heal from this week.  Exercise and see my family.  I am taken care of.  I am fine.  I mean I really am.  I need to let go.  Get some rest.  Let it go.  It was a shitty week - oh well.  It happens.  I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm sober and I have tools and help.  I love and I am loved.  And I am realizing I have something that no one can take away from me.  So that makes me very fucking lucky.  So tired.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, November 4, 2019

Going Against My Instincts

Right now my instincts are saying to push, even though I do not feel well.  I couldn't sleep last night and the menopausal symptoms are in full force today.  I am having so much trouble being grateful and staying in the day.  Oooo!  My alcoholism is alive & well right now.  I did a lot of things to take care of myself - I prayed & meditated...made myself a delicious healthy meal...I called my sponsor...cancelled something that I was too tired to do....did the celery juice...did all the dishes...meditated AGAIN because my sponsor suggested it.  I put hair color in my hair and I will be able to shower before work.  I also exercised.  Did all my holistic things for my cancer.  It will shift - I know it will.  I will feel better.  It's so hard to have so suddenly gone into menopause & the painful sex part of it - whether or not it's from the chemo, the menopause or both - it sucks.  Meanwhile I'm such a wohre that it hasn't stopped me from having sex and I am hoping that the physical therapy I am doing will help it to change.  But WOW - does it suck.  For some reason I am thinking of people from my past who I might have told all these things to....have awful I feel physically and how the hormonal imbalance puts me in such a negative frame of mind.  How sad & hard it has been to go so suddenly into old age or this phase which feels old......then I am thinking how these people would not give me what I am looking for which is comfort and understanding.  Saying "Yes that does suck.  I am sorry you are going through that but I am sure it will shift!  You will feel better!"  So anyway I am telling myself those things.  I will feel better.  I will feel healthy and vibrant again although it will be different.  I have so many tools now and so many people to turn to for help. We can't give what we don't have to give also & for some reason I have turned to some very cold people for help.  Or seemingly cold.  Just empty cups.  Or again - seemingly empty cups.  We all need to take care of ourselves also and let's face it - dealing with emotions is TrIcKY.  Tricky.  Yikes!  Okay time to go get ready for work.  I can't wait to go to a meeting!  God!  Also I can't wait to walk the dog - he makes me so happy.  So lucky I get to do that again.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

Microwave Baked Potato

Years ago and I mean like 15 years ago my friend wrote a blog post about how she doesn't know how to do a lot of things but she knows how to sooth herself...make a baked potato in the microwave and I'm not sure what else but my mind was BLOWN by that concept.  Nobody taught me to self-soothe.  I think I was taught to beat myself up emotionally and stuff my feelings in whatever way possible.  Or maybe they just ignored me.  Or maybe they tried to talk to me and I was CRYING with everything in me because I was a little artist with a bagillion feelings and creative urges and no place to put them.  Or who knows.  Either way tonight I came home and I baked myself a potato, put ghee, pink Himalayan sea salt on it and fresh pepper and it was fucking delicious and SO SOOTHING. I was shocked by her blog post also because I was under the impression that POTATOES ARE BAD.  I have recently learned and I probably already wrote about this but I am going to say it again that potatoes are not bad - frying them and putting cheese all over them is bad for you.  TALK ABOUT SOOTHING THOUGH AM I RIGHT??  Ha.  FUCK.  Anyway ghee is just as fucking soothing.  Yikes.  I also made a little soup with arugula, garlic and micro broccoli greens & rice noodles.  YUM.  Anyway I am trying to soothe myself and recover from that crazy ass trip I went on.  I am struggling with feeling like I - you know I am not even going to give it any power.  I am struggling with soothing myself and letting myself heal.  But I got this.  I am reading a great book!  It's called "What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business."  It's empowering and I love it.  I read a book while I was on my crazy trip called "Take Good Care of The Garden & The Dogs."  It was very sentimental and hard to read because EVERY SINGLE CHAPTER was about someone DYING and I honestly was like "IS THIS WOMAN OKAY!???"  But what was wonderful was she wrote about a man who stopped doing cancer treatment because he didn't see how it could cure him and instead he moved to Alaska to heal FROM THE LAND.  DID I WRITE ABOUT THIS ALREADY??  Fuck my chemo brain is in full action.  Anyway he is alive and well.  So I felt it was a sign to not take that fucking pill they want me to take.  I have to go to the doctor next week and I know they are going to try to convince me to do it but well - I do not want to still.  My daily walks and fresh foods plus meditation and healing are helping me.  What isn't helping is when I don't go to alanon and then I think I am the most wrong person that ever existed.  But guess what?  I went and I feel better and now I am SELF-SOOTHING.  I am fucking full from that soup.  Who says that?  Is it even a thing?  To be full from soup and a potato??  I GUESS SO.  Love you Bluebie bye!!

Thursday, October 24, 2019

MRI

Went by myself yesterday to get my MRI that I had scheduled but them also needed because my mammogram showed something.  This week and the last 2 weeks have been CRAZY.  I got stuck in an airport on the way back from this job and it was nuts.  There was a state of emergency and they closed the airport.  No flights in or out and no one working in the airport.  It was fucking nuts.  We all had to stay together and you know what I am not even going to get into it.  I slept on a hard bench and I was SO PROUD of myself!  I was a fucking trooper.  Anyway I just got an email from the Dr. well I don't know - I got the report.  I don't think I was supposed to but I did and unless I am reading it incorrectly I am okay.  FUCK.  FUCKING FUUUUUUCK.  I just cried for 5 minutes.  My holistic doctor says I will have certainty....that I will be able to be certain I am okay and although I have done so much to be okay I still wasn't sure.  Plus they scared me at the mammogram.  Anyway thank God.  I am crying again.  I don't want to cut my boobs off and I don't want to take a pill that is going to make me sick.  I just don't okay?  I don't want to and it's okay that I don't want to.  Fuck I am really crying. God this has all been so intense.  Anyway I also thought I was going to get fired from my job because I went to this other country and then got trapped in an airport that was closed for a state of emergency and that was SO CRAZY.  Anyway they didn't fire me although I was late today and I felt like they were going to although the other night the mom said she wasn't going to she promised.  COULD I BE MORE STRESSED OUT!?  I guess so if I had my own kids.  I don't think I am making a lot of sense and now I have to wake up at 4:30 to bring my guy to get his own test done.  I am exhausted.  Who knew I could do any of this?  I did not know.  God please help me to continue to be strong, be grateful and grow.  Get out of my own way and trust.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, October 17, 2019

Just melted my curling iron.

Yeah I didn't know that could happen either.  I guess where I am the electrical current is stronger?  Or the conversion thing makes it hotter?  I have no fucking clue but my hair looks fantastic.  So there's that!  But the tip melted off my curling iron and now my room smells like burnt glue.  Again my hair is so cute.  Agh!  It's a convertor not a conversion - well wait it's a conversion thing actually.  ANYWAY.  I jogged by the ocean today in the pouring rain.  Rain dripping out of my eyes!  I was so proud of myself!  I really have no fucking idea who I am.  We weren't working today so I had plenty of downtime and I took care of myself.  Now I am bored out of my fucking mind and I just remembered other stuff I could be working on but I had forgotten until just now.  I did write a short script so that was good.  Hmmmmm - I haven't had dinner but I have been snacking in my room for hours and now I'm not hungry.  I think they are going to need us super early so I am just waiting to hear about that because you know it takes me for fucking EVER to get ready so I have to plan.  I'm working with these kids and at breakfast this morning the girl said I seem a little crazy.  UM - that's so mean!  Haha and I was literally acting AS NORMAL as I possibly could.  I really am wondering what she even based that on since she has not stopped talking about herself since I met her. HA.  No seriously.  I mean I never even talk very much when I first meet people.  I wait to display my crazy thank you very much and I will have you know that I am THE MOST NORMAL CRAZY PERSON you will ever meet.  Ugh!  I can't give my power away!  I just can't!  I need to breathe and take care of myself and stay in myself.  She was probably just trying to be funny but it didn't sound like a funny tone of voice.  She didn't laugh either.  She also had that judgy look in her eye.  Okay whatever.  I wrote it down, I complained about it - I got it off my chest and now we can move on.  She's not going to be my best friend and she just showed her cards.  Great.  I can like her anyway and just be cautious.  Yeah - all good.  She doesn't know me.  I am a little crazy but not for why she thinks.  Who knows what she thinks!  I'm doing great with all my alanon stuff right?  HEALTHY STUFF OVER HERE.  I can't find any meetings here - well I found a guy but I didn't get his email back in time to find out the meeting is over already tonight.  Good Lord I am getting tired.  Okay well LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!  I am so happy I have you to talk to while I am here.  xoxoxo

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Well so here I am...

doing what I love again.  I am working on another acting job and I am pinching myself because it's in such a cool place!  So that's what I was so worried about - I booked it and then had no idea what was happening.  I went to 3 auditions for it!  So fucking exciting and surreal.  So surreal!  Anyway I am trying to stay positive....my babysitting job didn't like it so that was fucking with my head....then a sponsee got upset with me and that fucked with my head.  However what I learned with her is that I can't help anyone.  I can't!  I have been hearing people say it for years.  YEARS.  That all we do in the program is share our experience and then people will do with it what they will.  So with this sponsee I just have helped SO MUCH & told her the answers over & over again and now I am angry but what is really good is that I don't want to do this to myself.  I don't!  How wonderful is that?  She will be okay but I won't be if I continue with this behavior.  I mean maybe she won't be but she wouldn't be even if I hurt myself trying to help her.  Either way it's not up to me.  God what a fucking relief to finally realize this.  So the challenge now is to somehow be kind when I say this isn't working for me.  Which I think I can do because I love her and I don't want the friendship to be ruined.  My guy said to me that it's the alanon defect - that we help so much until we are angry about it.  Ew.  Years ago - God I can't believe I'm going to say this but this woman was basically trying to make me feel better about something - I was so upset.....crying - a real mess.  Feeling super sorry for myself and she talke dot me a little bit, made a suggestion and then she said "Woooo - dealing with feelings!  Ugh!"  Then she shook herself off and said she had to go because she wanted to enjoy her day.  She went out into the sunshine in her cute outfit and I thought she was jus the biggest cunt on the face of the planet.  Now I get it.  I mean I needed HELP.  I was a drunk, high mess and that woman was not going to be able to help me.  I mean she was being cunty for sure but she was taking care of herself.  So my challenge is to be kind & loving while I take care of myself and not make this person feel like I am dismissing.  I mean she is so difficult so it's enraging.  But that doesn't matter - she isn't well and I am sorry for that but it's not because of me and there isn't one thing I can do about it.  My experience is that I do and have done the work.  For a long time.  I hope one day at a time I continue to do the work.  So that's it!  That's my experience.  What is also my experience is every single time I try to hard with a sponsee it doesn't work out anyway because I get angry.  The I am the cunty one!  Isn't it crazy that the kindest thing I can do is say "Okay well that's all I have to give.  That's how I did it - that's all.  I love you!  You can do it if you want to."  Now I am going to go for a walk in the sunshine.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

My energy...

is coming back.  This time last year I was till so tired and now I feel so much better.  I just am starting to feel like I felt 20 years ago.  Did I say this already?  I just can't fucking believe it.  I mean I used to just drag myself around and I was always exhausted.  I am amazed at what I got done even though I was SO so tired.  Ugh!  I feel so bad for that tired person!  How fucking long did I have cancer for?  Plus I had 2 kinds!  It's just surreal and insane and I am so fucking grateful that I feel better.  I am sure a huge reason I feel better is because I eat completely different and I am able to exercise and I don't eat dairy anymore.  I think it's fine for some people but it is horrible for me.  But GOD I fucking loved it!!  Who doesn't??  Good news there's nut cheeses now and they are super tasty!  Greaaaaaat.  Anyway I am still sitting here waiting to hear about this thing and holy fuck have I been learning patience.  It's uncomfortable to go slow.  It really is.  Side note I had 3 cups of coffee today which has probably helped my energy level tremendously.  I mean but it's different you know?  It really is.  It was such a pretty day today - gorgeous sunny fall day.  It's amazing ot be alive and in the sunshine during the day.....I used to miss entire days......it was so sad.  I just love being awake during the day!  I mean I am a night person also but I just really get off on being alive when the world is alive - it's awesome!  I had a  really great show last night although it was a challenge.  Big open bar with giant TV's and a DJ?  Ha - fucking comedy - so ridiculous.  They turned down the TVs for the show and the DJ stopped also - it was fun.  IT was great to get my mind off this waiting.  Did I tell you about that guy who I saw interview another guy in the hotel room?  Not in a creepy way but about cancer?  And how they were saying the opportunity that cancer gives you is to change everything....and do you know that I have eaten more vegetables in the last 10 months than in the last 10 years??  I mean maybe not but maaaaaaybe!  I started to change all my food right before I found out I had cancer but now it's like a 180...I also never - okay almost never eat French fries anymore - delicious, crispy French fries.  It's okay - I make yummy healthy potato things at home.   I love being at home.  I'm at home right now!  Just sitting here with the dryer going waiting for my guy to come home.  Nice & boring.  I don't think I am going to get any answers about what I am waiting to hear about right now so I just have to plan my day for tomorrow.  LOVE YOU byeeeeeee.

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Flipping Out.

At the moment I am freaking out.  Okay I am not freaking out anything like I used to freak out and it has been a really nice day.  I got to go for a nice , sunny walk.  I went to my ladies meeting and did stepwork with a sponsee.  I'm waiting to hear about something and it is so fucking uncomfortable to wait.  I have a show tonight and I need to write for it....God I don't think I can do this - I'm just on my toes here and it's not helpful to write over & over again that I am uncomfortable and anxious.  I will write more later - love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, October 8, 2019

It takes me 5 hours to get ready

and that's before I take a shower!  WHAT THE FUCK.  That's how much self-care I am doing and GOD I need it - seriously but what the fuuuuuck.  How is that manageable??  By the time I'm ready I'm exhausted!  Ha.  Seriously though what the fuck.  It will get easier and take less time.  I'm proud of myself for taking great care of myself.  It's cloudy today so it was hard to get going taking care of myself but I did it.  Prayed, meditated, did the celery juice, yoga, walked, bands, healthy breakfast and I cried.  I have to get a cry in or my day hasn't really started yet.  I'm having so many new awarenesses and most of them are alanon related.  I just realized suddenly I can't help anyone whether they did or didn't ask for the help.  I can't help anyone AND I want people to change.  I want people to be different but, I need to be different.  I'm the one that needs to decide whether or not something is working for me.  I spent most of my life waiting for men to change until I realized I was the one who decided......and I was the one who needed to change......and now I have spent another decade waiting for women to change until I realized after a LOT of pain - that I am the one who needs to change.  Fucking siiiiiiigh.  Who the fuck knew?  Melody Beattie knew.  HA.  Because she writes all those books about codependency.  We struggle and struggle and struggle and then one little thing happens and we are like "Oh - oh I am supposed to take a left not a right and then I get there in 5 minutes instead of 3 days?  Okay - got it."  Now I am left with PRACTICING THIS and CONTINUING to take care of myself by saying what does and doesn't work for me.  Insulation.  Insulating myself.  Staying in myself.  IM THE CAPTAIN OF MY OWN DAMN SHIP MOTHERFUCKERS. Such a strange concept that we need each other but also we are separate.  This onion will continue to peel until it becomes another onion.  I am cracking myself UP today.  I have to go get a mammogram this week.  Terrified.  But also I am okay on some level.  I think I'm more worried about the pain of it.  I'm going to practice trusting.  Let go and let God.  Stay in my body and take care of it.  Love it.  Love myself.  Honor my life.  Trust that everything I am learning and doing to take care of myself is doing just that.  And I will also think about one day not going to these tests.  Yeah.  Yeah.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, October 5, 2019

Growing Up.

I'm sitting here in my office on a Saturday for 2 minutes while I write this....I did a lot already today and I woke up at 6:30.  It's sunny & chilly - definitely a Fall day.  I just went and got groceries and I have a show later so I need to get ready for that.  I went to Alanon this morning....I was looking a for a new alanon sponsor but I didn't get one.  I did have a fantastic meeting and I felt so much better after I left.  I really do have both dis-eases.  I'm a completely self-centered drunk and then I am also driven MAD by other people's alcoholism and I want to fix them, change them, make them into something different so THAT THEY WILL BE OKAY.  And then!  I will be okay.  Well I did that with men and it never worked and now I have done it with SO MANY female relationships and guess what?  Didn't work.  But the good news is that now I am learning all the time a different way to live.  Recently and by recently I mean this week I had yet another one of these things happen and it has been driving me mad.  Today I heard though to "take a step back" and that this is the healthy thing to do.  I was doing that but I was mad.  I'm still mad.  This person asked for my help but doesn't like the help because the help is recovery and they don't want to do that.  Which I understand but that's what I have to give.  Soooooo basically this person told me I'm not nice & to back off.  Which hurt my feelings but also was enraging mainly because I need alanon.  I need to take care of myself and focus on myself and fucking stop trying to save, fix & help other people.  This person wants a relationship with me but not really.  They want a therapist or I don't know a babysitter but not a relationship.  Not a back &forth REAL RELATE-TIONSHIP.  But okay do I?  Is that what I want?  I must equally be responsible for this unhealthy thing that has happened.  I am attached to the outcomes and WOW it's fucking painful & feels unattainable.  So huge sigh.  I am just going to take care of myself today and let space come between us from a place of love.  I'm going to let it go for right now.  I'm going to do my work and eventually talk to my sponsor.  One thing I learned from this new sponsor is that we walk side by side with people in these programs...side by side....and this work is supposed to help me.  I know she is being my teacher right now but it is causing me distress and I can't sleep.  So this isn't helping my sobriety.  It's okay I can feel it will be okay but not today.  Oh boy.  Well.  I just got SO TIRED.  Gotta exercise - keep up my strength as it gets cold out.  Get out in that fresh air!  Move my muscles and bounce my cells around so my immune system is pumping.  Yup.  Yuuuuuuuuup.  Bye.

Monday, September 30, 2019

Okay.

Well I am here and I made it through September.  It's a been a crazy month.  Started a new job...shows, auditions, tons of shit and it was a great month.  I also went to court 3 times for that unfortunately crazy woman.  Turns out I was in the wrong court because we are not family and that's okay.  My friend is a lawyer and she told me what I can do instead.  Also the judge said to stay away from each other and I told the judge (and she was right there as well) that I will call 911 again.  So - that's - that.  I mean not really but that's what happened.  Boy did I follow through!  I went and got the police report...went to court TWICE and got her served by the police in her town....and then went to court and tried to get a restraining order.  I literally had no idea I could do any of that and I did it all almost by myself.  My friend came with me to court when crazy pants was going to be there and thank god because I almost shit myself when she actually showed up.  So anyway I am fucking completely convinced she is reading this.  Is that possible?  Um - I have no idea.  I'm answering myself.  Let me tell you what....if you have someone follow you in a certain type of car and then you start looking out for that person you are going to realize there is 100000000000 of these fucking cars.  Um a bagillion.  I'm fidning this so difficult because I feel like she is reading this.  Oh no!  I'm officially losing my mind!!!  I have a ton of shit to do anyway so I will write more in a few days.  I miss writing on here more!  I was so excited to day to get to write.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

That's a saying in the program but as I write this I am guessing it is also a saying in regular life as well?  I mean it's true...if I keep doing the same shit - the same shit is going to keep happening.  The difficult part for me is recognizing that it is so so so sooooo uncomfortable to sit through the discomfort of doing something differently.  God.  SO uncomfortable.  Anyway - well this is a great problem to have.  Being uncomfortable from good things.  I have a show this afternoon and I swear to God I don't know how I am going to do it!  I am so tired.  Fuck.  Drive into the city and work hard because it's a small bar show and it's tough workout.  But I am lucky I get to do it and a tough workout is a good workout.  I can do it - I just have to do exactly what I am doing and write.  Write, write write.  Sigh.  I just sighed.  It's an absolutely gorgeous and stunning day.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I really can.  Little bit at a time.  Breathe.  Do my best.  Stay present.  Breathe.  Trust.  Ah!  Tough one but I can do that too.  Little bit each day.  Just like sobriety.  Slowly move forward.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

This week!

Good Lord.  Okay well I did it.  I did this week.  I did shows, auditions, worked, and did other things.  What?  I just honestly don't feel like getting into it but I will at another time.  I get to celebrate my anniversary tomorrow night and I am excited about that.  I get to take care of myself tomorrow.  I don't feel super secure in the new job yet but I am working hard and trying to not do what I did at the boutique which is work SO HARD and do jobs no one asked me to do and then get angry because I'm not being compensated.  Whatever they ask me to do - I do - plus some extra stuff if I have time and then that's that.  I'm super grateful and if they would like something else they will need to say that.  No mind reading.  I just got back from a show right now & it was a LONG wait to go up and the show was way too long but I still had fun and I still got them somehow.  Luckily the guy who went up before me did well so that helped.  Anyway....I'm exhausted but this time last year I could have never done all this.  I was in treatment still and God - I was tired.  So tired!!   I could barely do anything.  So it feels really good to be busy and active.  I love the dog of the new family...I get to walk him all the time so that's great.  I love the cat also but I don't get to walk him.  I feed him.  And talk to him!  He's so old but he's still got it!  Wow thank God tonight was a good show - the last one I did I fucking ate a DICK.  It was awful.  But also - fuck it - that's comedy and that's how we get strong.  I didn't stick to the script that night and I bombed.  I didn't tonight either but I kept going back to the script so that was good.  Who the fuck knows!?  Tonight I had fun.  I did the other night too but not as much.  I was so tired.  Also it happens!  We eat a lot dicks.  Okay I have to go to sleep.  WOW.  WOW has so much changed!!  Love you Bluebie bye!!

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Mountain Highway

I was in a play last night and somehow got lost leaving and ended up in the mountains.  Yeah I don't know but one minute I left the theatre then suddenly I going over some little bridge that I have never seen before. I turned around and went back over the bridge and luckily there was a girl in the toll-booth and I told her I was lost and that I had no idea how I even got where I was.  she laughed and I realized I had on HUGE glittery false eyelashes and a ton of makeup from the play and my hair was ENORMOUS.  So anyway she told me to go straight and I did but then I ended up on a mountain and driving some crazy mountain path with a WHITE SUBARU like Barbara's right on my tail the whole time.  I was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.  I also just kept DRIVING because I was like I can not pull over - I don't even know where I am and how the fuck could the police even find me??  So I got off the mountain finally and back towards where I was supposed to get back on the highway to get home where I got lost  - AGAIN.  WITH a gps for fuck's sake!  At that point the Subaru finally sped off.  I guess even BARBARA gets tired and needs to get some rest.  I doubt it was her although whoever it was felt very aggressive and they were following me so close I couldn't see their headlights.  So yeah there you go.  And to be honest - that's the story of my life.  If I am not paying attention I get lost.  WHEREEVER I GO.  Is that true?  I mean I am constantly getting lost in the city and I lived there for SEVENTEEN YEARS.  Do you think she is reading this blog?  Do you think she thinks I'm a good writer?  HAHAHAAA.  That really made me laugh.  HA.  Wow.  This is really explaining why I haven't slept in months.  I mean I think a huge part was the chemo and I am not a great sleeper anyway but something had felt off.  Do you think my animal instincts knew she's been following me?  I'm not sure how much I can trust my animal instincts given I get lost every 2 seconds but well - who the fuck knows.  I know now and get this part....so the police called to tell me that they called her and said to stop following me - right?  The first officer I spoke to said that she understands I don't want any contact and I said okay thank you so much.  Then another officer calls me that wasn't there for the incident but is the one who spoke to her.  He said "It was a very civil conversation and she certainly was surprised and absolutely understands you wishes."  I said "She was surprised about what exactly?" He said "Well I don't know your history but she was surprise the police were called."  And he seemed annoyed that I was shocked she would say that.  I was a t the kids house so I didn't say "I SAID I WAS CALLING THE POICE BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WAS FOLLOWING ME AND NOT GOING TO HURT ME."  Plus my guy had a full order of protection from her so REALLY IS THAT A SURPRISE??  I was so mad - I was so so mad until....Until I realized she had somehow charmed this man into thinking that she was the victim.  Which means she is fucking dangerous.  She is boil the fucking bunny crazy.  She is out of her fucking mind.  She followed me for MILES almost to my job and even followed me off a side street and continued to talk to me after I said multiple times - LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.  Okay anyway I clearly don't feel safe yet and I am still angry.  I need to breathe.  I have to stay calm.  On a very real level I feel terrible for her.  It has been so long since they have been broken up and I don't even think she wants anything to do with me - I think she wants my guy.  It's so sad.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

A minute to write....

I have a few extra minutes today to write thank God.  Wait this was part of what I have scheduled actually.  Okay so anyway I have time to write.  I called the police from yesterday and are you ready for this?  They called her, left a message and she called back.  She said she understood that I don't want any contact and for some reason it seems so utterly bizarre to me.  In my head I just see her being like "Oh that's nice the police called, I'm just going to call them back on my way to yoga.  Oh she doesn't want to talk to me?  That's odd - I've been watching her videos.  Okay thank you for calling!"  Okay anyway I will move forward with getting the report and going to the court for a restraining order.  I had an audition today and it COMPLETELY felt like someone was following me there but not on my way back.  It's a building you can't get into anyway so she couldn't have followed me to the office.  Of course this is an opportunity...something inside of me is strengthening from this & perhaps healing.  That part of me that feels like I don't matter is like OH I MATTER - A LOT.  BYE FELCIA.  God I almost didn't go on the audition.  But I have worked so hard - so so hard and I love it more than anything.  I can't hide or - I don't know what - get pushed to the ground?  What in the fuck was I going to say?  No clue.  Such CHALLENGES right now!  It's okay - gotta go write for my show tonight - love you Bluebie bye.
  I REMEMBERED.  I know that all of this is doing something for her - I can feel it.  Now she has contact right?  But I can't have it.  I know there needs to be a paper trail also and so oh well - but I do know this - I don't want any contact.  No contact.  Zero contact.  Do you know how hard that is for a people pleasing alanonic person to say??  VERY.  Okay bye.

Barbara is back - if she ever left - a document.

Well once again I am writing to have evidence of Barbara Driscoll being a stalker.  She followed me on the highway almost to my job but I finally realized I was being followed and pulled off on a side street because I was like "There is no way I am bringing this person to my job where there are children!!"  Meanwhile the whole time she was following me I thought I was crazy.  Anyway I finally pull over and pull off the side of the road and she pulls up next to me and I roll the window down and just rolls up, rolls her window down and when I said to her in complete shock "Are you following me!?"  she says "Yes."  Cool as a fucking psychotic cucumber.  Then I said "You need to leave immediately I am calling 911."  She says "I'm not going to hurt you."  OH OKAY.  Then I said "You need to leave right away I am getting a restraining order against you and I am calling 911."  Then she says "I have watched all your videos because you keep sending them to me."  I HAVE NOT SENT HER ANYTHING (but thank you for watching our videos!).  I blocked her on facebook and I do not and have not had anything to do with her other than her coming to my house.  Okay so then I tell her to leave again and I say I haven't sent her anything and then I finally call 911 and when I am talking to them she finally drove away.  I happened to pull down a dead end so she eventually had to drive back out and I was able to get her license plate and then the cops came.  I got her number from my guy and they made a report.  As soon as I was done working I went right to the police department in my town and told them everything as well.  I just realized I had to call 911 on 9/11.  Anyway then when I left the police station there were 2 cops outside and I told them everything as well.  I will not have it.  I work with children and I WILL NOT HAVE IT BARBARA DRISCOLL.  GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.  I will continue to call the police every single time I see you and I will be going to the court with these reports and trust me when I tell you that you have fucked with the wrong person now.  I don't fuck around when it comes to children so step the fuck off.  STEP THE FUCK OFF. 

The worst part is that I thought someone has been following me quite a few times - in the city, on Fridays when I go to therapy....oh I guess that's a routine so she could expect a pattern?  I have even stopped and looked around...waited.....I thought I was losing my mind.  My grocery store parking lot - that one big time for some reason - the parking lot?  Even today I thought I was crazy on the highway but I slowed down to 40 and she wouldn't pass and I still wasn't sure till I got off my exit for work and it's an odd exit and an odd place for a car to have been going the same exact direction since basically my house.  Well thank God my instincts kicked into high gear before I could talk myself out of calling the police.  And thank God I didn't go to the kids house because I never would have called 911 because I wouldn't have wanted to scare them.  My sponsor said I can take care of myself now with this whole thing and I slept for a little bit but then I have been awake since 3:00 am.  It has been years - over 7 years since they have been separated and they have been divorced at least 4 years?  Something like that.  He had a full stay away restraining order against her and she rolled up next to me like we are casual friends.  I have to tell you the thing that disturbed me the most was her saying she has watched all my videos because I sent them to her.  That is some fucking Law & Order crazy shit right there.  I mean sent to her how?  And what?  I must have told to her to leave and leave immediately, get away from me at least 5-6 times.  And she didn't actually drive away until I called 911.  Well I promised myself after she came to my house that if she did it again that that's what I would say and I said it!  And I did it.  So well ugh now I have to deal with all of this but I will.  I have an audition this morning and I was really worried that maybe I shouldn't go but my guy was like you have to go.  Okay now I am getting tired again - maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get ready to go.  God it's been a rough week.....this new job is so challenging and 9/11 and then this.  Well it has all happened for a reason.  I don't know what it is but it has.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

A List.....

As in ahhh list not A list like A list actors.  All day long as I go about my day I think of things to write on this blog.  Often I get tired and busy and then I never write about what I was thinking about.  I am a little backed up right now writer-wise...I have gotten so busy and I started a new job that is very distracting.  Life is good and I am seeing progress in my career as well which is such a blessing.  It's hard to write that but I am forcing myself to from a loving, strong, supportive place in myself.  I want to honor and respect the work I do and the artist that I am.  It's uncomfortable but it's okay.  Anyway I thought I would write a list of the titles I have thought of for different posts even though I don't have time to actually write the posts at this moment.  Okay here we go - in no particular order:

My Left Arm Dried Up Chicken Bone Wing (on the inside)

The Drilling Everywhere

Salads, Salads & More Salads

Being Hard On Myself (Ew & Oh!)

Taking A Time-Out To See What's Really Going On

New Job, New Attitude

Patience

Healing With Food

Don't Push Your Dairy On Me!

The Lies Other People Tell

What I am Responsible For

Alanon

Detaching With Love - the HARDEST Thing To Do

Stopping Unhealthy Behaviors Long Enough To Allow Things To Shift

LIVING WITHIN MY MEANS - A HORROR FILM!

Okay that's all I got right now.  I need to go to work and I am so missing writing more.  I am missing writing.  I have written myself a writing schedule now for 2 months and haven't been able to follow it but today I got to write this so it's a start.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Tired but sitting..

on the couch!  In our apartment!  My favorite place to be!  Tomorrow I have 10 years sober.  TEN yeaaaars sober.  Holy fuck!  What a 10 years it has been.  I am struggling these last couple of days - the depression is wanting to pull me down but I'm not letting it.  I met with my sponsor today for 2 hours and I have been working hard on myself.  I am starting my new job tomorrow - I sort of started it already but now they are in school and I will be going 5 days a week.  I have been so so busy with everything but I am also taking care of myself.  It's surreal.  It is really a testament to sobriety.  To the program.  To the programs.  I have a different life which is wonderful but now after cancer I am also changing or allowing my inner life to shift as well.  My perception is shifting.  My sense of myself and my self-worth.  Good God that's why they wish people a long slow recovery in this program!  It's all so different and they are such HUGE changes.  I mean I don't even know - it's mind-blowing.  Again - it's surreal.  The inside changes aren't even anything that anyone can see although I do look very different now - but that's from cancer.  I look older and I am a little more beat up but I look better.  The program (AA) has all these promises right?  We are promised to be happy, joyous and free.  We are promised serenity.  I am not going to say I am exactly there but I will tell you that I am not enraged inside myself while pretending I'm fine.  I am trying to match my insides and my outsides.  I also am becoming a much more authentic person and I have help.  I have people who help me make decisions.  I never made decisions.  I hurtled through life enraged and just so so unhappy.  Honestly I don't even want to think about any of that.  I want to live & enjoy this day and take care of myself.  I think I am going to treat myself right now to an extra meditation.  I have so much to do for this week but today is a day off and a day of healing.  I will say this - even though I could barely work those ten years ago - I wasn't really ever resting.  So now I rest.  Not as often as I would like but moving out here has helped and I'm practicing it more & more.  I get so much more done when I rest.  So it's a new life & a new time.  I am moving on.  I am also staying right here.  Right now today I am not picking up a drug or a drink.  I didn't even eat a dessert at lunch with my sponsor and she asked me if I wanted one!  Gonna meditate - love you Bluebie bye

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Can't Sleep.

I'm so tired but I can't sleep.  I read for awhile but nope.  Rested, did my breathing exercises, tried a body scan meditation and nothing.  What are you gonna do?  I finally just got up and decided to write.  I had rehearsal today and jogged in the park.  The guy & I had dinner together and it was a nice day.  This play is sooooooo much lighter to work on - God Lord thank you!  We are laughing at rehearsals and it's been a really nice experience.  I am working hard on my programs and yeah - at all my stuff.  I am uncomfortable and I am so happy to have therapy tomorrow - God so happy.  I just have these resentments floating around in my head but I have been writing letters to people because that's what my sponsor has suggested so that's what I am doing.  I have been very honest with her and she is being very kind and helpful.  I am so grateful.  I am growing away from a drink - at least today and that is the important piece.  I drank coffee a little bit late in the afternoon today so that's why I am up still I think.  I have to say the brain is so crazy because right now my brain wants to tell me it is all these other things that are keeping me up but in general I haven't felt well today....just tired after jogging and maybe a little too thirsty and run down all day.  So I don't feel great but it isn't really anything or anyone that did it.  But my brain wants to attach things to it. 

I feel better from treatment and I think I am definitely healing and detoxing from it.  I wish my nails would grow back - they are just like paper.  My toenails just peel off like little sheets of paper - it's so weird.  They were always so strong - literally like nails.  I don't know - that part is depressing I think but it's okay.  Ego check.  I feel a little lonely....things are changing but I know it's for the best.....it's just right now I am in that time where I have to not have anything while I wait for what is better and healthier to come.  It's a time of patience and trust.  Yeah.  God - so hard.  Well this helped.  I think I am going to just stay here on the couch and meditate again out here.  It's nice and quiet and the cicadas are chirping - I love that sound so much.  Summertime sounds.  Everything seems so surreal this year because I am alive still.  It's such an inside job now...now that I am older and that I just know so deeply that that is what was missing before.  Serenity.  I want serenity.  Not relief although I do want that but serenity.  Happiness.  Gnight sweet Bluebers.

Monday, August 19, 2019

New Jobs.

I'm working at a new job.  I miss the other kids so much but the new kids are so cool and I booked an acting job that I'm at right now.  It was a long trip but I memorized my lines for the play I'm in so I used my travel time well.  I had to wake up at 5:00 so I am sooooo tired but I went to bed early last night so it's okay.  I feel like I should go to the gym but I also literally want to go to bed and it's still light out.  Okay it's really early.  I wish I could walk outside - I wonder if I could?  I can't figure out how the phone works in my room!  It's cordless and yeah - don't get it.  Anyway I am here and it's so fucking awesome!  In general I am feeling so much better and I can do so much more without getting overwhelmingly exhausted.  I really took my time packing and getting ready and I still forgot to bring some tea with me.  Darn.  It's okay - I will get better at this part.  Also I will be able to bring more food with me like - meals not just snacks.  The food here looks SO GOOD but it's all brie wheels and double cheeseburgers - whoa.  Like fancy double cheese burgers but still.  So anyway.....I had an impossible burger or it's called a beyond burger and it was GOOD.  Which means it's probably totally unhealthy but at least it was vegan.  OKAY.  So.  So that's what I got going on - just new jobs and moving on into my life......so weird.....10 years ago at this time I was still drinking...I was trying so hard to stop...going to meetings and I had cut back sooooooo much and I had cut back sooo much on pot.  It was still a problem and I was a mess.  God I am so fucking grateful right now that I am sober.  I mean all the time I am but to be able to do what I love again is mind-blowing to me.  If you told me 10 years ago I would be able to do this again I don't think I would have believed it.  I mean if you told me I would get cancer, get so sick, go bald and then everything would get even better I really would NOT HAVE BELIEVED THAT SHIT.  Okay well it did and YAY.  Today is a good day and I am going to make it better by exercising.  I'm reading Liver Rescue by the medical medium and it's so crazy.  Good crazy.  OH - it's all about the fat?  Did you know that?  Yup - fats not good.  WHO KNEW.  I guess all the people who don't eat a lot of fat.  I did just have potato chips but OH WELL.  Haha ugh I am laughing but I really don't eat them like EVER anymore.  I used to eat them - everyday.  So.  So don't do that whoever you are.  Eat them once every 6 months or do whatever you want but take it from me - my diet of potato chips and peanut m&m's was not successful.  Okay getting in my workout clothes and going to the gym.  xoxo!

Friday, August 9, 2019

My Throat.

What I was trying to say yesterday that I never fully expressed was that I have issues from both sides of my family and from both of my Grandmothers.  Today is a new day and today after much discomfort this morning I have realized that I am an emotional cutter.  I use to chew my lip - a LOT - just chew and chew.  One time a friend asked me while watching me chew my lip if I was ever a cutter and I said no and then thought to myself "How fucking rude."  HA.  Well so this morning I once again got my feelings hurt and I called my guy and said "Blah blah blah" it doesn't matter and he said - let's see if I can say it..."You aren't eating donuts so you are just self-harming by thinking about these 2 people who have hurt you" and UGH I can't remember how he said it.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that I just sit and EXAMINE this stuff and make myself SICK.  So after he said that I got on the treadmill and then I JOGGED and SWEATED and my thinking shifted in my BRAIN and then I felt like I was going to barf so I finished up and I rested and now I don't feel as awful.  I'm upset that it is taking so much work for me to operate in the world but also - I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm not drinking or doing drugs anymore and now I do feel better physically so I can exercise and burn that crazy off of me.  It's okay.  It's really okay.  I am learning all the time.  I am learning all the time and the part of the world that I motor through will be better for it.

So why my throat?  I don't know.  It feels weird but I think it's my thyroid healing.  Coming alive?  Who the fuck knows.  I can feel it.  I can feel my throat.  Yeah I don't know I just spent a minute touching it with my eyes closed and I have no clue.  Expression.  Yeah.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Ps It's hard not to feel selfish writing so much about myself but I really do feel this is the work many, many of us have to do...and this is a sort of journal for anyone interested in this way of life.  These types of writings have helped me immensely - truly.  It's helps me also...to get clarity and to get it out of me.  Byeeee.

Thursday, August 8, 2019

My Grandmother.

I had 2 grandmothers - one was Grandma or Grandmama and the other was Grandmother.  So formal right?  She was my Mom's mom and she lived far away and I didn't really know her very well.  We saw her in the Summer sometimes and occasionally other times.  I don't remember her very well....I liked their house and she always struck me as - formal.  My grandmama was my Dad's mom and she lived near us and we saw her tons.  We would go there on Sunday night's and watch TV - the Lawrence Welk show mostly and that's when I realized I wanted to be an entertainer.  Anyway she was super loving and great but also difficult.  It always confused me.  Anyway so Grandmother was married to Grandfather and he was an artist and he painted different family members and he did a painting of her that's in my mom's house now.  She's older and sitting at the table with her hand on her throat - because she always had her hand on her throat....and do you know I always remember looking at that and thinking how odd and compelling it was.  I do it now - I put my hand on my throat as if I am protecting it or I don't know - healing it somehow?  Grandmama was angry.  I'm angry.  I am going to say I think Grandmother felt stifled and do you know - I feel and have felt stifled my entire life.  Vocally.  Emotionally.  I'm emotional and it makes people very very uncomfortable......

Cut to this morning...I am having a hard time in the mornings....the menopause is magnifying my alcoholism that I wake up with.  I'm very uncomfortable and sad.  It burns off eventually in the afternoon but it' painful.  Then I think about different people that have hurt me for some reason and this morning I thought about someone who I am not friends with anymore and how hard it was to be friends with her because I could never truly express myself and I couldn't resolve anything.  You know I was just going to write some examples but it doesn't matter.  This is what matters....she wasn't being like that because of me.  She wasn't actively trying to hurt me.  She has got shit to work out just like we all do and she is doing her best.  It wasn't a good fit friendship-wise and I took many steps back which was much kinder ultimately than being in a friendship and being resentful ALL THE TIME.  Which is what was happening.  So when I was walking I was thinking about how I couldn't express myself around her - she out a hand up to whatever I wanted and tried to work out with her.  Then I thought "SEE THIS IS WHY MY GRANDMOTHER HAD HER HAND AT HER THROAT - SHE WAS ALONONIC AND COULDNT EXPRESS HERSELF."  Then I realized that I can do whatever I want.  I can say whatever I want.  I can be whatever I want.  I get the FEELING I can't express myself but it isn't true.  If I continue to live from that place it's okay but I don't have to.  I made a healthy choice to no longer be friends with her but now I can also be kind about it.  This what my sponsor said last week and it blew my mind..."I am kind to people who are kind to me and if someone is not kind to me - I am still kind to them - but from a distance."  WOW.  What's the point of moving away from that friendship if I am going to carry around the resentment still?  I mean I think part of my issue is that I think I can't feel my anger I have around her and the people like her that I attract.  But I can - I can feel whatever I want but good GOD girl - let it the fuck GO.  I went through CANCER and cancer TREATMENT and it was HARD and it put me into early menopause - suddenly and my life is forever changed.  I am BETTER for it so seriously - let it go.  I can let it go.  I can let it go and now I have a sober reference for when someone like that comes into my life.  I have a choice and I can also be kind.  Starting with myself.  Starting with today.  Which I have done so far and this helped.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, August 5, 2019

Olive Kitterage & Boar's Head Meats

I'm reading Olive Kitterage and I am obsessed with Boar's Head's meats.  GOD.  They are so fucking GOOD.  I put them on little square rice cake cracker thins.  With thinly sliced red onion and little greens.  I forgot what they are called - micro-greens?  They are thin whispy mixtures of different greens and I LOVE them.  They have fun names like - I don't know I can't remember that either?  French something?  Mexican something?  Who the fuck knows but I am too tired to get up and go look at the name of the one I have right now.  I'm so tired.  I am exercising more and outside so I am TI.  TI-TI.  It's warm and sunny and it feels GOOD but yeah - TI.  So.  So well  Idon't know - oh right - Olive Kitterage.  WELL.  I was walking to therapy and I walked by this famous book store in the city and they had racks of cheap books outside - I had a few minutes so I perused a few racks.  One of them was cookbooks and I love cookbooks.  Well they were all weird but then Olive Kitterage was there and it was one dollar.  It was brand new and I got a really great feeling from it.  So I bought it.  Then I started to read it and I couldn't put it down.  I t won a Pulitzer and it is truly so well written.  I mean if I can be so bold as to know really what that means but there has been at least 3-4 words that I have never even SEEN in the book so - yeah - amazing.  I am kidding - I know that doesn't mean it's well written but just trust me - it's lovely.  What isn't lovely is that some of the people - most of the people in this book are MISerablllle.  Miserable.  Dark.  Sad.  Unwilling to do anything about it.  Angry.  What I find so fascinating is that Olive is this woman who doesn't drink - right?  She doesn't drink because she knows "If she drank she would be a guzzler."  But she is angry and all caught up in herself like an alcoholic without recovery.  This author has created a character who so clearly needs help but like all fucking alcoholics - refuses to get any help and doesn't think anyone knows better than her anyway.  I mean I know - why the fuck would anyone go to AA who isn't drinking and never did.  But GOD - it's so uncomfortable to read.  I'm nearing the end and it's looking like maybe she's softening a little.  Maybe?  Good grief - this book has made me appreciate these programs even more than I already did.  Oh that's the other thing - everyone (almost) is getting old in the book and they are DESTROYED by it.  So in conclusion I am SO GRATEFUL to be getting old in programs.  I mean at least today I am.  I just don't want to be miserable on the inside anymore and certainly not as I age and as I ease on down the road.  So many of them are in relationships that cause resentments - like continuous resentments, and I don't fucking want that either.  I just did 2 4th steps.  2 mini 4th steps.  A mini 4th step is when you work through why someone is a douche bag but at the end you figure out why you are a douche bag but ultimately that - what?  You aren't a douche bag.  Maybe they aren't either but that you have a choice next time.  You sort of clean up your spirit and soul and get rid of that resentment inside of yourself so you can lead a useful life.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, July 30, 2019

One more thing

Well they say we came for our drinking and stay for our thinking and that is true for me.  I woke up upset and whatever and then I really thought t myself  "Whatever I'm thinking about right now is a lie or at least not true completely."  It helped.  I have choices over my thoughts - maybe not the first one but certainly if I have been thinking that thought for 5 minutes and it's making me feel bad!!  God - it is like walking through a wall of mud getting this stuff.  But it's okay.  I can choose differently.  I can CHOOSE ICE CREAM.  What?  Bye.

Today.

It's a new day and it still isn't easy but I feel slightly less enraged and I am in way less pain emotionally.  It was visceral yesterday - I could barely take it.  I still feel sad today but I don't feel hopeless.  I am impatient to get to where I want to be but also - I need to go slow because I just still have shit I need and want to untangle from my brain.  I am just still so shocked that this feeling was underneath everything.  It's like I was sitting on a tack and I had no idea until it got totally infected.  There is some relief in knowing that this feeling is there.  I can't quite explain it but I guess it's because it's the truth.  It's what is here and I can't change it if I'm not aware of it.  I can pull the tack out and then move towards healing.  So I guess that's what I am doing.  GOD - who has time to do this shit?  If I were working my other job right now I would not be able to do this.  I don't know maybe I would.  I would just have more to distract me and allow me to push it aside or push it back down - or put a delicious muffin on top.  And then pizza on top of that and then some French fries that I dip in a hot fudge caramel sundae.  YES.  That would numb this pain right the fuck UP.  I would also shit myself for at least an entire day at this point - since I don't really eat like that anymore......do you know what I am going to make for dinner?  Kale pizza crust with turkey pepperoni and vegan nut mozzarella cheese.  That sounds like it could make me shit myself for a full day also - although I don't think it will.  I also think part of what was happening is this....

I found a spot on my breast last week - 2 weeks ago?  Looked like a bruise - wait did I write about this?  I am going to look.  Okay no I didn't.  So I fond this spot and watched it and it seemed to get darker - I thought it looked like a bruise and I felt around my breast and I didn't feel a lump but that breast is tender and it made me nervous.  I kept watching it and it never went away and in fact just got  darker and then it seemed like it was in multiple spots which was alarming to say the least.  I was terrified to go to the doctor because I don't want a biopsy done and they want to cut my boobs off.  They keep saying to me "You can change your mind and do it whenever you want."  like it's a SWEATER that is going to go on sale.  FUCKING gross.  I am also not taking the pills - I can't.  Can you imagine how sad I am NOW and then also being on the pills?  Holy shit.  HOLY SHIT!  I couldn't do it.  God so I was terrified.  So I look it up and it can be a sign of a different type of cancer than the 2 I had so I was like holy fuck - what the fuck do I do??  So I just decided to try to heal myself with my mind or some INSANE shit like that and then also just really checked in with myself and even though emotionally I am having a hard time and I am still recovering physically - I do not feel how I felt when I had cancer.  I felt REALLY awful.  I know it sounds crazy but it doesn't FEEL like I have cancer right now.  SO then I didn't know what to do.....so I went to the beach 2 times.  The second time we were at the beach I put my sunscreen on at the beach - which I don't normally do...so I could see better...and as I put the sunscreen on my chest I notice the discoloration looks similar to the tanned skin on my chest and then I realize my bathing suit has these small strips of fabric holding the 2 boob parts together and I realize the discoloration is actually - TAN MARKS.  It's weird though because it's like little circles and not stripes so fuck I don't know - it took me all that time to figure it out!  Also I really just see so much better outside in the sunlight and I really couldn't tell that it was the same color as the rest of my tan parts when I was inside.  OH MY GOD.  So this is the thing I am going to live with but it's okay - I can and I can take care of myself - it's just a challenge.  Yeah.  So I'm sure that didn't help all my stuff emotionally.  Plus really 2 years ago right now - I knew I had cancer and I didn't know what the fuck was going on.  I just knew I had cancer.  Man this blog has saved my life.  Being able to write on her has been such a gift to me.  L8tr.  HA.

Monday, July 29, 2019

Do you want to rent some space in my head?

I love to let shit live in my head.  That's not true - I don't love it - it makes me sick - but I do it - A LOT - so I must love it.  Oh gosh - why can't I just let myself be fucking angry about it?  I am upset!  There is shit just taking up space in my sweet head and it exhausts me and doesn't leave room for creativity. Gross.  But what can I do?  I'm fully aware of it and hopefully I can just stop acting on it.  I have been suffering from depression lately - I think it's made worse from the menopause but WOW - today?  I woke up and it puuuuulled me DOWN.  Fuck.  Anyway my guy always says by 1:00 we lift out of it and I did.  I also ate 7 cookies - GLUTEN FREE - but yes 7 and I felt so much better.  I am just sad though.  I had this really long conversation with my sponsor about these situations I allow to happen that make me feel awful.  Worse than awful.  She asked me why I think I deserve that and I do not know.  It kept me up again last night - just her saying I deserve better and I guess that's it.  I mean this is what I did with men.  Until I finally gave up.  Now I am here and it's so painful and I keep not sleeping and that just makes everything worse.  It's okay.  I also realized something else..

I'm an actor and I want to make people feel as an actor BUT - I am alanonic and it makes me want to PUKE when anyone is upset or not feeling well.  I am always stopping myself so I don't upset people or say the worng thing or make them feel badly and WHAT A FUCKING CONUNDRUM.  What a conflict.  Holy shit.  I am like clamped up inside myself.  I always speak quietly at auditions - I'm just fucking terrified of myself and how it could hurt others.  Now I hear some douchebags voice in my head saying "That's just being self-centered toooo."  I guess it is.  Regardless I am at some fucking serious fork in the road and I do not feel well.  I don't know how to express it although this is helping.  I'm afraid of myself and hyper vigilant about the world around me and it's fucking exhausting.  I can't take it anymore.  How have I even gotten anywhere is beyond me.  I have always heard that I need ot get out of my own way.  I guess that's why I love writing.  It's easier.  IT's just me here and like 3 voices in my head that's it. Haha I am just kidding but I do have different voices or people opinions floating around but you know they aren't really here.  Maybe I don't deserve everything. Maybe I don't deserve to be making a living doing what I love and what I am passionate about.  But I know for a fucking fact that I do not deserve bullshit and I don't deserve to feel bad about myself and I certainly don't deserve lack.  I am fucking enraged.  I am enraged that I have settled for nothing in certain areas of my life - ENRAGED.  This program promises that we are happy, joyous and free and I want that.  A man in my group always says full time membership gets fulltime benefits and I FUCKING WANT THAT.  God I just am so angry.  This is different too - it's that I just have barked up that stupid fucking tree for the last time.  I know I'm not making any sense but it doesn't matter. 

I can sit with myself & be with myself and find the people.  I can trust in my God and I can find the people who trust in theirs.  I can find the brave ones.  I can find the people or let God bring them to me.  I can seek the love.  I can let myself free.  It's okay.  I fucking matter. A LOT.  We all do but I can't tell that to anyone.  Yeah.  Okay gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, July 28, 2019

Underneath the Relief is Pain

That's it.  That's addiction.  For me anyway.  Something makes me feel better and I get relief and then - I WANT MORE.  Then it becomes a monster that I can't control and it starts to kill me.  Alcohol, drugs, food, men, money - pistachios - doesn't matter.  So.  So there you go.  Good news - I have a solution at least for today - and THAT - makes me exhale for real.  In what feels very healthy or at least loving and when I am active in some way - I am not in the loving.  Jesus - LONG SLOW RECOVERY is right.  That's where I'm at.  Okay so here's what made me realize this this morning.....

I'm running out of vitamins.  I am in a panic because I am still recovering from treatment and taking these vitamins and supplements helps me but not to the extent that I need to charge them or ugh I hope I can articulate this - I just can't get myself into this position again where I can't afford things and I am in a state of deprivation and panic.  If I go and charge those vitamins - which feels wrong - I will feel better but it won't fix the problem.  And the problem is that I don't make enough money right now.  Okay but also - here's the other problem....if a Band-Aid will fix me momentarily there is a sore underneath - and when does that get fixed if I keep putting a Band-Aid on?  So I just am realizing that (and I guess this is a very obvious thing having to do with any addiction) if I don't feel good and I do something unhealthy to make myself feel better - something unhealthy - something addictive in nature - then I still don't feel good.  I still have the dis-ease.  The symptom feels better but not the real issue underneath.  The nature of me hasn't changed.  That just seemed so mind-blowing to me today while I wasn't thinking about my financial situation and the extreme discomfort I feel around it.  I guess I use money addictively the same way I use food.  Good Lord how fucking annoying.  But as they say I can't fix something or allow it to be fixed until I realize it's even there.  IT'S THE FUCKING ONION LAYERS.  Okay.  Oooooookay. Greaaaat.

So now my challenge is to not desperately take jobs that I don't like or don't feel good or cant pay me what I need.  I guess just don't be desperate.  Just writing that is making me feel desperate.  Okay.  OKAY.  Challenge number 5006.  Ugh.  It's up to me.  I had an acting partner 20 years ago - he was GORGOEUS - intense - sweet and one time after a rehearsal in a coffee shop he said to me "It's up to you - it's always going to be up to you - whatever you are doing."  I just looked at him and smiled because I had no idea what he was talking about and then I left - I was leaving anyway and I was confused....so as I was leaving the coffee shop I looked back at him to see if I could figure something else out or I don't know why and he was just GLARING at me.  Haha!  It was like he was like why the fuck am I giving this clueless twat a life lesson she isn't going to figure out for 20 years.  I wonder where he is now?  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Saturday, July 27, 2019

Staying in myself.....

It's the hardest thing.  I don't feel well - I am being thrown around hormonally from the sudden menopause - my body is very different from the treatment and the hormonal change and it's so uncomfortable and sad.  It's also shocking.  It's so different and I really wasn't expecting this and it happening so quickly is jarring.  I'm not working with the kids right now and I miss them and I do not have any money.  That is upsetting but my guy has been giving me some money and has been covering my bills thank God - and I recognize that that sounds awesome but I have such a feeling of deprivation - of heaviness - of just not being nourished.  But it isn't nourishment I am lacking - it is the rush I get when I get even a little bit of money.  If someone gave me $200 right now I would exhale and go buy something and feel GREAT.  I am well into my mid-life right now - I need a LOT more than $200.  I need a steady flow of money blah blah a career - okay.  Fine and yes.  But that won't change this.  I think I used to help this feeling by eating muffins but I can't do that anymore - it makes me feel bloated and awful and I honestly can't imagine what this Summer would have been like if I was eating French fries and muffins.  Delicious muffins and French fries.  I want comfort and where I have looked for comfort as far as food goes and money - isn't working anymore.  Wait the money thing would work but I am doing something different now.  I am waiting to find the right job and I am not being desperate.  Which is so fucking hard and when I tell you I am so fucking uncomfortable I mean it.  It's like when I first got sober.  Fuck.  So it's fine - I have food - I have enough money to pay my bills and I'm safe.  It's crazy to me that this is the feeling that has been under all this.  I thought it was anger but it's this deprivation.  I guess it's both.  I am taking care of myself though.  I went to therapy yesterday and I ate healthy all day - drank lots of water.  I don't feel well.  I also did something yesterday than I know better to do when I don't feel well.  And it felt awful and I am still trying to recover from it.  I couldn't sleep - it hurt me but what hurts the most is that I did it even though I know from many past experiences that if I don't feel well that this thing will make me feel even worse.  I did it anyway.  I guess now that I am writing this that I didn't realize how not well I felt so maybe it wasn't conscious?  I just wasn't totally thinking.  Which is fine I'm human - even that sounds harsh on myself - the thing is that I am not in a great place and I made a mistake and I am still upset about it.  I did wake up super early though and was able to meditate today before I go to my meeting and that helped tremendously - seriously.  I calmed down quite a bit.  So anyway it's a beautiful day and I want to enjoy it.  I am alive and I want to soak it in and be in myself and really give myself a chance.  Who knew I was such a fighter?  The thing is though is that I also need to be a yielder.  There is this crazy woman at my meeting today...she has genius eyeballs and when she shares it's so compelling.  But she is AWFUL.  I can NOT talk to her - I feel like I am going to projectile vomit when I have more than 2 polite sentences with her.  My friend said the best way to deal with her is to just not communicate with her - I think she said have nothing to do with her.  So that is what I do - I am polite but I try to have as little to do with her as possible.  I YIELD.  I have to - she is just waiting to suck the fucking LIFE out of someone.  I'm not saying she's conscious of it - but she's doing it!  So.  So I can fight but also I can yield.  That's what the Tao says - victory will go to the one who yields.  FUCK!  How annoying is that?  But I will practice it - byeeeeeee!

Friday, July 12, 2019

Still On The Bed....

OKAY - so - I just wanted to say something else my therapist said which is that I can love people and be upset with them.  I can love them, be upset with their inability to give very much and also have my boundaries.  That's nice right?  I mean it's also more manageable.  Plus I guess - well that's what happens with my guy - I get upset with him but I don't stop LOVING him.  It feels like it sometimes but that's just anger.  Oh God - I don't know what I'm trying to say - I'm talking to someone and I don't know who it is.  I am just trying to talk to myself but all this other shit is getting in my head.  Side note - I have eaten more vegetables in the last 6 months than I think I have ever eaten in my life.  Is that true?  I mean I have been trying to eat 10 fresh fruits and veggies a day and so I am eating A LOT of them.  I had how many today??  Banana, broccoli, mushrooms, garlic, ginger (I think that's a spice haha)mixed baby microgreens, kale, romaine, carrots, sweet potato, olives, red onion, avocado and something else that I can't remember.  I used to eat something with like ONE vegetable in it.  Yikes - well anyway - good for me!  I'm still full from the salad.  Well this has been riveting.  I'm just waiting for the guy to come home so we can go to alanon.  Sexy right?  Hot Friday night date - woo-hoo!  I'm happy though I really am.  I love that we do this stuff together.  Okay gotta go - love youuuuuuu bye.

On The Bed.....

I'm back home now and I am so fucking glad I went to therapy.  Do you know that I have been going to therapy for almost TWO DECADES??  Hahahaaaa.  And look at me now!  No - seriously - look at me now!  I'm better - I am way fucking better and I am going to continue to get better.  Nobody does this shit - and my therapist tells me that all the time.  Okay that's not true - some people do but a lot of times they have MONEY and you know what wait. Stop.  It doesn't matter whether you have money or not - some people do this work and are interested in it and some people are not.  Some people can't do it and here is the part I am trying to get to - I AM DOING IT.  I have just had it that's all.  I've had it with trying to get something from nothing and I am tired of working for free and not being taken care of.  But most of all - I MISS THE MUSIC.  I MISS MY HEART AND BODY OPENENG UP TO THE FUCKING MUUUUUSSIIIIIC.  I was one the train and I was SO LONELY - ugh so sad and I had nothing to do and these 2 people next to me were having this really strained and awkward conversation that was driving me FUCKING NUTS and I tried to read but their conversation was so distracting and the train was PACKED with people so I couldn't move & I didn't feel well so I couldn't stand up so I took out my headphones and put on some music and my heart OPENED UP.  Then I suddenly started to BREATHE and I felt one bazillion times better.  Holy fuck.  I just felt ALIVE and I was like WHY THE FUCK ARENT I LISTENING TO MUSIC??  I mean I do in the car but I mean - I could be listening at home - ALL THE TIME or at best - ON THE TRAIN so I don't have to hear people.  I don't know I downloaded some free iTunes thing so I can listen to anything and wow.  Just blew my mind.  So yeah - the music.  My therapist and the music.  I fucking cried before I left because she said she thinks about me and wonders how I'm doing.  You know I do a lot of listening.  A lot of feeling not seen (ironically).  I don't know except this woman has helped me to untangle a lot of crap and for fuck's sake - do you know what's happening right now?  I feel like I am justifying myself somehow?  I feel negative judgment but I don't know why.  Ah - I guess it doesn't matter.  I am doing this for me.  I am working through myself and my life.  I'm allowed to do it and it has been really fucking hard work.  I deserve to enjoy myself, protect myself and give myself a pat on the back.  I literally just patted myself on the back.  You know what happened after I left therapy?  I didn't feel sick anymore.  I am still super tired but I didn't feel like I had a cold.  Untangling that brain and making new pathways and choices.  But also - how about letting go of the anger.  Kindness & forgiveness right?  Yeah.  Alright maybe tomorrow?  HA.  Bye.

Back in bed.....

I don't feel well.  I haven't been sleeping - God it's awful.  I also feel very run down and like I'm fighting off a cold.  For days now.  So this morning I got up and prayed & meditated then ate a super healthy breakfast.  But just now I took my vitamins and instantly felt so gross so I just got back in bed with my laptop.  I'm also super sad.  So a lot is coming through me.  I miss the kids and it's hard not seeing them - so that has been hard.  I mean what can I do - they are grown-up now and I can't only work 6 hours a week in the Fall - I need more money.  It's a healthy moving on but I'm still so sad and I miss them.  I had a job yesterday and I got so tired when I was there - I almost asked to lay down....and maybe I should have....but anyway I just felt so confused this morning about what I was feeling yesterday and I had this awareness.....when I do stuff and someone says I'm awesome - I think - I'm awesome.  Then I do something they don't like and they are annoyed and I think - I'm annoying & I suck.  Which obviously is a very codependent way to be but this is what else I realized this morning....I have had these different people in my life over the years who say "You are a great friend!"  So I think "Oh!  I am a great friend!"  Then they say the opposite.  Then I think the opposite.  So on and so forth.  So blah blah true/not true I don't fucking know but this is what is true - I GET TO DECIDE HOW I FEEL.  I am the one who gets to decide whether or not so and so is a good friend and whether or not they are in my life.  I am starting to lose the thread because I am so angry.  When I turn it all over like that I also suffer because I realized this morning that these people said "You are this or that" to me and it was always so confusing because it always felt random and I didn't really understand what was happening and that's because it was just all about them.  And that has been a million examples of me just standing by while someone else decided what I was, I believed it, got yanked around and when I asked for some emotional support they weren't there because I was just a fucking prop in their narrative.  Okay so I said I don't feel well & I am not saying these people are consciously doing this and also I know I am not a victim of other people.  This is something I have participated in many times, with many people in many jobs over the years.  It's so gross.  No wonder I feel sick.  It's coming to the surface.  Like pus.  How the fuck am I going to get to therapy today?  My stomach hurts, my head hurts and I am exhausted.  So this is the real question......how do I stay in myself?  How do I protect myself while still participating fully in life?  I am my responsibility and people will & can do whatever they want and they can say whatever they want.  My therapist calls it having insulation.  I'm just going to rest for a minute then get in the shower and get there somehow.  If ever there was a time for me to get there it's now.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I can learn how to take care of & protect myself - inside & outside.  I can do this.  I say that all day long - I can do this.  And I can - I can do this.  Love you Bluebie byeeee Blue can do this lol

Tuesday, July 9, 2019

I Know This Much Is True....

Have you ever read that book?  Its amazing - its painful to read but wow - so so good.  I read it when I was still drinking...I don't know why I read it but it really effected me.  Affected me?  I don't know and I don't care.  I loved it.  Someone sent me an audition notice for it and I went back and read about the book and it made me cry.  It was a really sad book but somehow - it turned out okay.  And now I'm crying again.  I'm so tired and God it's been hard lately.  I think it's because I am coming up on 10 years.  10 fucking years.  So much of my family died, my dog, my cat and I fucking had cancer.  But I'm okay.  I'm allowed to cry and I'm allowed to feel sad.  But I will tell you this - I will tell you that I Know This Much Is True and it's this......I will never get the love & kindness - consistently or even when I ask for it but certainly when I just expect it - from super self-centered people.  God that's painful to write.  I had to end a friendship because of that and actually 2 of them!  It is so painful to be in a relationship where the other person pulls but doesn't give & they don't even know it.  It's such a mind fuck. But we are all on our paths and doing the best we can.  I am doing the best I can.  I just feel so tired & like 100 years old all of a sudden.  It's okay - this has been a good day.  It has gone by nice & slow.  I just ate the hugest, most delicious salad.  I am getting myself together and I have so much to do but I am going to rest & take care of myself.  I'm really uncomfortable but I have help.  I have tools.  I have options and I have a network.  Well.  Okay.  So this was really cheerful and uplifting!  I'm going to finish putting my Winter clothes away since it's 95 degrees.  I'm going to try to write more.  I always feel better when I do.  Like exercising.  holy fuck I just got so hot - I unplugged the AC to write on this and now I am about to explode from the heat.  OKAY - well I love you Bluebie.  When I got 5 years I thought I was going to lose my mind - it was so awful - I felt sad for weeks before but then I felt so much better.  I will feel better.  Bye!

Wednesday, July 3, 2019

Wuzzzz Uuuuuuup

I tell you wuz up!?  THE WEATHER!  It's hot as fucking balls out here right now holy fuck.  Anyway I am losingm y fucking mind.  I'm hot & tired and the internet is broken.  The whole thing!  Facebook, instagram, twitter - I don't know email seems to be working.  Anyway I am in the house in y bedroom with the AC on.  I had a good day - I jogged, went to alanon, spoke to my sponsee and went and got groceries.  Somehow this basically took up my whole day and I woke up at 7:00.  I would not say time management is one of my strong suits.  Anyway so tonight I have another meeting - one of my ladies meetings and I am looking forward to it.  I had a huge epiphany today while I was meditating and it was truly profound.  What was super interesting was it was something that I have thought about many times and recognized intellectually but this time it hit me differently - in my heart.  I just recognized it as a solid truth.  I GOT it.  Like when I had that moment of grace and realized I can never safely drink or do drugs.  I know that you are SO CURIOUS and I will tell you that it is once again - something I have realized 10 million times but anyway here it goes.....

I am not responsible for anyone's feelings.  But here's what I realized after Alanon....

I am not responsible for anyone's feelings - bad or GOOD.  What!????  Mind blown.

I am not responsible for your stuff even if you think I caused it - even if it's good stuff.  I am not sure why but this feels like tectonic shift type shit right now.  I can't even believe it.  I don't know that I always felt responsible for people's feelings but I got there eventually and then I got very sick with it all.  But now I am getting better.  Here's the other side - READY!???

But also - you are not responsible for mine.  I am.  Me.  My stuff.  I love Justin Beiber right?  Look I think he's so fucking entertaining and super talented.  I DO.  I love him.  I would get REALLY excited if I met him and he might have diarrhea and not give me the time of day.  Those are MY FEELINGS to be dealt with by ME.  Although let's face it Justin Beiber would totally want to meet me.  I miiight even let him in on this blog.  HA.  ANYWAY.  Ugh I feel gross.  I need to take a shower.  BYE.

Monday, July 1, 2019

Sugar. Dairy. Bread. PMS.

Well.  Well here it is.  My one millionth time writing about how I don't feel well when I eat dairy, gluten and sugar.  However this is the first time I can CLEARLY see for me - that it makes my hormonal fluctuations worse.  It does.  Do I really need to go into how I know this?  I ate pretty clean for awhile, took all my supplements, did the teas, jogged, celery juice - all the stuff.  Then these last couple of weeks ate some stuff and this past week everyday ate sugar.  One day I ate a HUGE piece of cake.  Lemon coconut - omg it was SO GOOD.  However yesterday and today I don't feel well.  Like the PMS way I used to always feel.  It's awful and it's not worth it.  I mean I am so angry today.  Ew!  I have had a really nice day!  I went for a nice, long walk and I got some groceries.  Cooked nice breakfast - ran some errands - all good.  Great!  So okay.  I sneak it - that's the problem.  I do it and I think because I'm hiding it - it doesn't count.  What am I a 5 year old?  WOW - that's not nice of me to say to myself!  I'm a person!  Sugar is good!  And it's REALLY good when you're addicted to it! Haha.  Okay fine.  Fuuuuuuck. Not drinking was hard.  Now this is really hard.  But I can't stand feeling sick.  I have a beautiful life and I want to enjoy it.  I really do.  I'm going to go do some yoga and then take a shower and that should help shift things little bit.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sunday, June 30, 2019

Well my inner glasses need a new prescription - today.

My perception is off although right now as I sat down to write this post something shifted.  My guy got home from his meeting and I wanted to write so I got upset that he was home sooner than I thought he was going to be.  So then I did something amazing - I asked him if he could eat his snack in the kitchen and let me write this real quick.  He was like "Sure - did you put the sheets in the dryer?"  Which was so annoying and now is making me cry because it was so sweet.  I did put the sheets in the dryer and the kitchen is clean.  I cooked all day and then did all the dishes - cleaned the place mats and swept.  So it's nice and fresh in there.  He did the laundry.  We live nicely together and it's just really everything I ever wanted.  That and to be an actress - right?  A dancer and then a comedian.  I'm crying.  I'm so tired and I ate sugar this week and then I think I - wait I know I ate dairy twice yesterday and French fries and by today I just felt AWFUL in my head.  I am so effected by food.  But also I just can not - anymore work this career the way I have been doing it.  I will get sick again.  So I am at this fork in the road and I don't know what to do except stop doing what I have been doing.  I have no work lined up and it feels like I am invisible.  I know that's historical but - well - I don't know.  It also doesn't feel completely off either.  It's okay - it really is.  I feel badly from the food although I ate super healthy today and went jogging - I took really good care of myself.  Tomorrow is a new day in a new week and I can take great care of myself.  It's our birthday on Saturday and I guess that's a lot.  I am creeping towards that next age and it's big one!  But also it's almost 2 years since I found out I had cancer.  I just have to have faith and trust - trust myself and my talent.  Ugh I am going to say this and I know it's true although it's so hard to put into practice but I have to trust God.  Trust the Universe.  Trust there is something wonderful for me and it doesn't involve me hurting myself or forcing myself to do something that it takes me weeks to recover from.  Or that feels so gross.  God - how can I love him SO MUCH but listening to him each those chips makes me want to stab my thigh.  FUCK.  What a fucking BIZARRE challenge to be given.  God was like - "Hmmmmm I'm going to make you funny but also when people each crunchy food you will want to commit homicide.  Have fun working that out!!"  Alright - well next time I will have to ask him to eat his snack OUTSIDE.  Why can't I LOVE MYSELF when I get angry about this shit.  It bothers me and I don't know why and it doesn't mean I'm a monster.  I LOVE YOU RIGHT NOW EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE ENRAGED.  Fuck.  Here is one giant side note - when I eat shitty food all of the hormonal stuff is ONE MILLION TIMES WORSE.  Awful.  I just have to slowly shift back away from it.  For me only me.  I have to go.  I did pretty good at not complaining till the chips.  SO MANY CHIPS.  Byeeee.

Friday, June 21, 2019

Hyper Sensitive

I'm hyper sensitive.  I knew this but now I know it again.  Fun!  Bye.

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

The Double-Edged Sword Of Arrogance

Did I spell edged correctly?  I guess so.  It never underlines the title when it's spelled incorrectly like it does the words spelled incorrectly in the body of the blog.  Woof.  Anyway.  So I a still having a hard time with this play blah blah blah.  This is what I realized this morning while praying and meditating.  I finally gave up trying to control alcohol right?  I surrendered - realized I can't have it ever unless I want it be my master and kill me.  Okay.  Sobering on many levels!  Now - now I have this other thing my alanon stuff that is trying to kill me.  I sat here thinking so many times in the last couple of weeks "I knew this guy was difficult and I just did the show anyway and if I had just not done it I wouldn't be here right now."  Okay yes but also - this was going to happen another time - show business people and all people are difficult.  This is what really helped - ready?  This is a little bonkers but last night we were watching Big Little Lies right?  Nicole Kidman's character is at the therapist and saying how she could have done something to not let her husband get pushed down the stairs or I don't know - that part I don't really remember BUT this is the part - the therapist says wow even in death the message is still the same - that you are responsible for your husband's horrible abusive behavior.  WOWOOWOWOWOW.  It just made me realize that I kept thinking I could have changed this all somehow but I couldn't have but more than that I didn't and it doesn't matter because that's how things go.  Work is work and sometimes it's difficult.  That's life!  I am not saying this guy is an abusive monster that I am working with - I am saying that I have 1. Felt like a victim of him and his craziness and 2. Thought I had some sort of power or control over it which I DONT.  Arrogance.  The alanonic arrogance.  That I can somehow make anyone or anything different other than myself.  I'm not in charge.  UGH.  But also - okay!  Relief.  Here's the other thing I learned this year from my sponsor - we are all waking hand in hand side by side right?  Equals.  So if someone else is unwell or whatever I don't know - got STUFF let's say - all I need to do is take car of myself and do my job whatever it is and respect their path.  If I can help I will but I don't need to hurt myself, judge them or most importantly - fix it or I don't know what - take it on or think ITS ABOUT ME.  Gross.  Lessons.  Not gross.  I just also am hormonal and it makes all of this more difficult.  Less - light.  Loose.  I am going to get ready and go to alanon.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Alcoholism - The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Haha - that made me laugh.  It's so crazy how my life is better because I admitted defeat to a disease I could never win with.  WHAT?  I admitted defeat to a war I could never win.  I surrendered.  Now my life is better and right now at this moment as I write this I realize I have to surrender to my alcoholic thoughts, tendencies and perceptions - ALL THE TIME or I will lose.  Even if I am not drinking.  God that's so fucking annoying.  The crazy part is that the tools of the program and everything we do to stay sober are wonderful things. I love doing these things!  I guess until I feel backed up to a wall and then I don't.  Or - or what is it?  A really strong character defect is being challenged and perhaps on the verge of being eradicated.  Well - that doesn't make it anymore comfortable but it makes it infinitely less - fuck I don't know what I was writing I got distracted.  MaybeI was going to say less painful because it does do that.  I am uncomfortable but I am not in pain per se.  I spoke to my sponsor this morning and she said this also - which was also  uncomfortable to hear but she said "Either commit to doing this, accept that it's not how you would have liked it to be or don't do it."  Boom.  Mic drop.  That's where I was stuck.  I was just dragging my feet like a fucking DONKEY.  I must have been a donkey in another life.  I would be amazing as a donkey.  Just being like "Yeah I know I said I would but I changed MY FUCKING DONKEY MIND and now I do not want to do it so I am just getting to stand here and NOT MOVE AT ALL."  Okay so what's my point?  That this is harder than I wanted it to be but - BUT - here's what I have learned from comedy.....sometimes I get to a show and it's not very many people and they suuuuuck - for whatever reason - either they are quiet, or angry or both haha.  Or whatever - right?  I learned to still do my best.  I try my best, do my jokes, don't take it out on them , stay as present as possible - I do the work the best I can.  And that's what I am going to do with this - that's it.  Sometimes it's more work that others - what can you do?  What can I do? I don't know why but that's just how it seems.  I mean - ugh I forgot what I was going to say again.   Oh I know - I guess this felt more frustrating because it took up A LOT of time versus one 10 minute set.  however that's not that simple either, there's a trip involved, driving - I mean nothing is ever super, duper easy.  It's why people decide not to do this stuff.  Holy fucking Fuck this has been such an intense learning - thing.  My mind is all over the place today.  I am just going to do my best.  FUCK.  Great.  Yay!  Haha.  Byeeeee.