Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Barf.

I am a tiny bit of a mess so I am writing to get myself as straight as possible.  To get it all out and get myself ready for this show tonight.  I have been super stressed about it because I always get stressed about these shows I produce and it's just become too much.  It feels so awful.  I am also hormonal form the instant menopause although I am finding relief in exercise - which I am going to do once I am done writing on here and getting my set ready.  It's okay - I don't feel nearly as sick as I felt this time last year and a couple years ago I felt even worse when I was hormonal.  Last year I was sick from the chemo and 2 years ago I was sick from cancer and hormones.  So okay - so I don't have that.  Wonderful!  Also I have an even stronger program and so much help.  I'm eating better too which also helps so much.  So okay.  Okay.  I don't know what to say - I'm upset.  I am trying to be positive but I have been producing this show for 3 years and it just isn't growing.  And I always get stressed about shows but this is like - SUPER stress and I - OH MY GOD.  Okay I am not going to spend my energy like this.  It's fine.  I am fine.  I am going to put my exercise clothes on and exercise and then get ready.  Bring water and tea and snacks.  I am going to look as nice as I can and do my best and jus that's it.  I guess the exercise clears my head too - that's what it does.  It's like it cleans out the negative thoughts.  So let's go do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.  PS the big show was GREAT!!

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Big Show

Bi show tonight.  I'm so fucking nervous.  I have also been applying for other babysitting gigs and it's - stressing me out.  So far 2 women have been super aggressive with me and then seemingly dropped the ball.  Which is weird and I am worried that they watched my comedy and then they were like not thanks.  Oh my God - I just thought - what if they didn't think I was funny and then dropped the ball?  Gross.  Anyway it doesn't matter - I am going to find something and it's going to be great - meanwhile I have this show to focus on.  Also - people are flaky - I am really going to be super kind to myself and say that this has nothing to do with me.  Right - how can it?  I have never even met these people in real life!  So it's all good.  Meanwhile I am so fucking nervous.....In fact I should probably just go and get ready.  My hair takes forever to dry.  It's growing like a weed.  I just got so sleepy.  Deep calm breaths.  Holy shit I could fall asleep.  Which means either I am tired or I am forgetting something.  Whoa.  Gotta go.  Will let you know how tonight goes!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.!

Monday, May 13, 2019

Brrrrrrr....

It's freezing!  I mean it' really cold.  Luckily because the chemo made me go instantly into menopause - I run much warmer now and so I am not as sensitive to the cold.  Life is strange.  So I still have a lot going on and I am trying to calm down so I thought I would write on here real quick.

I have a big show this week and I am excited and nervous.  So I am working on that and I need/want to work on that right now but as I said above I am trying to calm down because I am getting over-stimulated.  We had a lovely weekend - so so nice - even though my Mom got drunk and that was upsetting...BUT - you have never seen a more lady-like drunk.  ANYWAY.  I already spoke to my alanon sponsor this morning and I really need to stay focused right now so I am not going to get into it.  Oooo - I just got hungry.  Anyway.....I am okay.  Right now today.  Yesterday I went for a jog with my guy and then he kept jogging while I walked back to the house and I was thinking about healing.  Thinking about how intelligent our bodies are and how they want to heal.  I thought about giving my body healing messages and loving thoughts so it can do it's job of healing.  My hair is changing - from super tight curls to the top of it straightening out again - which is how my hair was before.  There is something called Chemo Curls that happens - where your hair grows back in curly and mine certainly did.  But it's changing - which means the chemo is leaving my body and even though that is wonderful it is also scary because then my body is on it's own.  But I want to and am going to, trust my body that it can take care of itself.  Especially if I give it loving thoughts, restful sleep and healthy food and supplements.  And breathe.  I am going to breathe and enjoy my life and love and take care of myself.  And for some reason writing helps me to do that.  I just wrote in my journal before this and before I started to write I was spinning and getting really over-stimulated and just uncomfortable and crazy.  Now after writing on here and in my journal I feel so much better.  Much more calm and in my body.  Not quite centered but much more present.  Okay deep breath - I got this.  What a challenge.  What an unbelievable challenge I have been given.  To live.  My challenge is to live, live well and be well.  I am so tired and it's 10:42 am.  Ha!  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, May 10, 2019

The Green Plate.

Not a cookbook name.  I am going to tell you about last night.  First of all I will tell you right now it feels like I have a very full plate and maybe I do - in fact - I do.  I have a lot going on and it's wonderful but feels overwhelming.  I'm still recovering from chemo and I am tired.  Okay well - okay.  Today I went to therapy and talked to her about money and my lack of it and what I am doing to make more of it and do you know what she said?  She said it helps to talk about it - it relieves the pressure, stress and anxiety of it.  It makes it seem much less like it is something that isn't possible.  I did feel better afterwards but GOD - it's all so uncomfortable.  Also okay.  I have learned to be so much more comfortable being uncomfortable in the right way.  I used to sit for hours and hours with people who I couldn't STAND because I wanted their drugs.  That was uncomfortable in the wrong way.  Now I do things like take the train, then the subway, then walk 15 minutes so I can go to therapy and talk about how difficult it is to be the age I am and have zero dollars.  And what I plan on doing about it.  Even though - I don't want to talk about it.  I also don't want to do anything about it - I want to lay down and REST.  For 5 months in some glorious vacation spot.  I don't even know if that's true.  It's partially true.  I would like to rest more but also - I rest.  I take so much better care of myself than I used to.  I cook super healthy, delicious food.....I take healthy snacks with me.....water...vitamins....supplements.....green drinks.....prayer...meditation....showers!  I take so many showers!  Body brush.  Yeah okay......I sleep and don't go do shows in the middle of the night when I have to be up the next day.....soooooo - about last night....

My guy and I went to go speak at a rehab.  We brought a meeting there actually.  The rehab is located in the hospital where I was diagnosed with cancer.  Ugh.  So we go to this rehab right?  And I start to talk about my story...expecting people to laugh...only no one is laughing.  And every time I looked up to look at someone they shifted their eyes away.  Everyone was in pajamas and had these gigantic sippy cups that were plastic.  There were old people, super young people and everyone was - not okay.  People shared and they were scared and confused and RAW.  It really really really was eye opening to me and it really made me remember I'm an alcoholic and I could be them again at any point.  So yeah - just as I write this I am like - okay I am overwhelmed - okay - fine and a lot of shit has gone done...cancer....treatment....but holy shit - being newly sober was so hard.  I honestly think it was harder than cancer because I was so angry and I felt so alone and outside of myself.  I could never figure out what the fuck was going on and I was so FAR away from any art.  It was heart breaking.  But more than heart breaking it was the ANGER.  It was - awful.  I don't know how else to say it.  I had no tools and the anger kept poisoning me.  I don't even know how I stayed sober but I am so grateful I did.

So I want to keep it green.  I am an alcoholic and my primary purpose is to stay sober and help another alcoholic to achieve sobriety.  So.  So I might have a full plate but I am keeping it a green plate.  I have nothing if I am not sober.  I 100% do not care if that sounds lame it's true. 

So I am going to continue to go to rehabs.  There you go.  Keeping my plate - green.

Byeeeee.

Friday, May 3, 2019

10 Minutes To A More Manageable Life.

That's the name of the book my guy wants to write.  Every time he says it we laugh and I laugh really hard.  I have no idea what it means but I think it's so funny.  I think it might mean - wake up 10 minutes earlier, get places 10 minutes earlier I don't know.  I have to say I have been writing for 10 minutes every day in my journal and it's really helping.  I did already say this last time right?  Anyway I have a ton of things to do today.  It's a super busy weekend and I am blessed to have a nice full life.  I am also blessed that now I feel better!  I am not 100% or really even close - well much closer though but I feel a lot better.  I still have to rest and I can't push myself but I am able to have a day.  Today will be a day and a night!  My acting teacher has a movie about his life coming out and we are going to the premiere.  I am so so excited!!  My other acting teacher made the movie.  I hope it is as magical as they have been in my life and hundreds of other actors.  Thousands?  I mean he's been teaching for 60+ years!!  I just took a poop and then my ankle felt better.  WEIRD.  Anyway I have a show tonight and I need to get ready.  It's been a stressful week with my mother being sick and helping them so I am looking forward to a nice evening with my guy and this movie and a show for me.  I am already so tired but it's a good tired.  Um I feel like I have so much else to say but that's it for now.  As my first acting teacher says I am just going to breathe.  I am so lucky that I have had so many amazing teachers.  Love you Bluebie!

Friday, April 26, 2019

Keeping The Channel Open

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others” 

That is a quote by Martha Graham.  My acting teacher has quoted it many times and right now at this point in my life it is speaking to me.  REALLY speaking to me.  Here is what is happening.  On many levels I am healing.  My past, my childhood and my body from cancer and cancer treatment.  I am lucky and blessed.  I have a lot of help and I need it.  I am realizing 2 things about myself that have been core truths that I have "chosen" loosely to live by - although I don't think it was completely conscious.

First what my Grandmother told me a couple years before she died.  She told me "Well no one ever told you you were good at anything - so - you're not."  BOOM.  Mic drop.  OUCH.  Well it's fucking true.  I am actually good at a lot of things but what I really want to do I never thought I was good at - or that it was an option to DO - full-time as a career or to help facilitate my life.  Which brings me to the second one...

Second....I have always thought I can't have what I want.  Period.  Again - core truth that isn't necessarily true or at least that is what I am finally figuring out.  When people ask what are your wildest dreams??  I DONT EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING.  I just don't think it's possible so why even think of it.  GROSS.  So there it is.  2 core truths that are not helpful or true. 

So I am sitting here in my office which I have finally decide to use as my office - instead of using the couch as my office.  I am in here writing.  I am going to keep my mother-fucking channel open by being just as fucking creative as I want to be until the jobs come where I can get paid and support myself and my family doing this.  I am in essence going to get the fuck out of my own way.  I can tell me now what I am good at.  I am good at this - creative expression.  I have passion, discipline and focus.  I am alive.  I lived now through 2 life threatening things and I have been taken care of.  So I am keeping my channel open. 

I have shows tonight.  I'm nervous.  The booker is going to be there and even though he continues to book me - I don't think he actually thinks I'm very funny - but what do I know.  That being said - I can still do the job.  I have so many fucking tools now.  I just need to do my work and whatever it is - it is.  Okay.  Well love you Bluebie - my God - what a life right?  Byeeeee.

Thursday, April 18, 2019

Bonkers - The Musical!!!

Ugh - attitude right here right now.  Where have I BEEN.  I tried to run a half-marathon last week but got - well my leg hurt.  My leg has been hurting.  It's going to be fine it just needs to heal.  I am just so frustrated but I don't even know why.  I had off from the kids this week which is great but I am discombobulated.  I cooked yesterday and that felt good but now I am angry again.  I just have stuff I need to do and I am tired.  That's really what's happening is I am tired.  I am not the kind of tired I was when I was getting the chemo but I am sleepy.  I am feeling much better in general and even GOOD sometimes but the exercising REALLY helps.  So I am having trouble with that because of my knee.  I tried to go to a chiropractor.  I did go to a chiropractor.  He is also a holistic doctor and I have no idea what the fuck was going on but I am not going to be going back.  He took some scan of my spine and said I had all these problems in it and that's why my knee hurts?  He took an exray of my neck and said "See??  See all that damage you have?  And degeneration??"  And I was like "No??  It looks really good to me?"  Then I said "I don't understand why they didn't see this when I got a bone scan??"  He said "They didn't know what to look for."  THE PEOPLE WHO SCAN BONES DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK FOR?  Okay then he adjusted me - you know cracked my neck and then my legs felt better.  SO WHAT THE FUCK?  Maybe my neck is fucked up?  I don't know I am not explaining this well but he also couldn't tell me if he took my health insurance - they had to "see what was wrong with me" and then check.  I was like MY KNEE HURTS THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME.  That's why I am here!!  Only I also secretly wanted this guy to be like "SEE - SEE THIS??  THIS IS WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN THRIVING IN LIFE AND WHY YOU GOT CANCER."  I mean I guess he sort of said that but it didn't make any sense and more than that it felt like bullshit.  He also cured himself of cancer somehow but it was incredibly unclear to me how he did that and he cried twice in front of me.  HE CRIED TWICE.  I did not know what to say.  I was like how the fuck is a doctor crying to me right now?  Um - okay.  Why am I so angry?  I guess because I wanted my fucking knee to feel better and for a day it did and now it hurts again and I didn't even really feel like that - fuck I don't even know what I am writing.  I guess this is a hormonal thing.  I will tell you what - exercising makes me feel so much better.  So I need to figure out a way to fucking do that.  It's fine.  ITS OKAY.  I guess I got caught up in this guys "business model" and I am embarrassed.  Yeah.  I'm just uncomfortable.  I'm uncomfortable and I want cute outfits.  I want a chef, a dog and a baby?  A baby???  A dog.  A cat?  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT.  I also haven't gotten onstage this week and that fucks with my head too.  Well I think this helped although it is probably super uncomfortable to read. Do you know what I just realized?  I can meditate again.  I CAN MEDITATE AGAIN.  Glorious.  Holy cow that just made me exhale.  I can do my hair, work on my office and meditate again.  Wonderful.  Love you Bluebie.

Saturday, April 6, 2019

Well Everything Is Fine & Everything Has Changed.

The MRI was okay - there is a small "enhancement" that they have to keep an eye on - the same one that was there last time.  It's okay.  This is going to keep me going on the healthy food path.  The healthy everything path.  But after these last couple of weeks I am left with this....are you ready?

I FUCKING HAD CANCER. 

I not only had cancer but I had to go through 14 months of treatment and now my whole life has changed.  I'm suddenly in menopause and I have a mustache.

So.  So there you fucking go.  I am going to have to get tested for a long time and take really, really REALLY good care of myself.  Remember Radical Remission?  The book I read about the 9 things cancer patients did to heal themselves of cancer?  I looked at the list yesterday and one of them is INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS.  Hahahahahaaa.  I stood there looking at the list for 2 minutes straight dumb-founded.  I was like "What the fuck is that?  I typed up the list and I still didn't remember that and God knows I certainly don't DO IT.  So.  So how about that??  HA.. INCREASE POSITIVE EMOTIONS OKAY.  I mean I try not to be completely upset all the time - I try to be serene and grateful but hole fuck increase positive emotions.  WOW.  SO okay.  Well anyway I got acupuncture yesterday and it helped.  I got back to going to a lot of meetings and today I also went to alanon.  It's a beautiful Spring day and we are going to a super cute place to celebrate my sponsors 26th anniversary!  I am going to enjoy my life.  But while I am doing that I am going to remember that I had cancer, and that my life has completely changed.  So this is part of who I am now and the chapter has not been closed.  It's not even a chapter - it's the fucking book man.  LOL.  I LOVE YOU BYE.

Tuesday, April 2, 2019

MRI

I have an MRI in the morning - of my breasts.  The ones they wanted to cut off because they are - a mess.  The ones I didn't and still don't - want to get rid of.  I'm fucking crying.  I am just upset.  I am worried and I think I just wasn't even thinking about this and instead let someone knock me off my peg, got a uti and now it feels like I have a yeast infection.  It's been a rough couple of weeks.  Okay so what do I do?  What do I really do?  I can't change anything - whatever is going on with my body is going on with my body.  My knee is killing me when I jog so I can't jog.  The guy said this is alcoholism trying to get at me and the build up of worry over this mri.  Okay it's just a lot of shit coming up for some reason too.  Okay okay let's get back to what I can do to make it through this day.  I can go get groceries and I can run a couple of errands before I go to the kids.  Then I can go to that meeting that's ina cabin in the woods.  I love that meeting.  I honestly don't think there's more cancer - but I think that - wait.  Wait a second.  I already had an mri after they finished the last horrible chemo.  That one was good.  Right.  I have so many tools and so much help I can turn to.  I don't have to do this alone and if I want to I can.  But I don't have to.  It's also just an incredibly unpleasant exam.  The needles, the blah blah, the sounds.  Okay but I can do it.  I can do it.  I have faith and love and I can do it.  I can be super scared and upset and do it.  I really can.  I guess I have learned how brave I can truly be.  This last couple of years of treatment and doing comedy has really shown me how brave I actually am.  Being brave when you have no idea how scary something is - is nothing compared to being brave when you are terrified and know EXACTLY how scary it is.  So okay. And hopefully one day I will get to the place that my snake doctor told me about where I ill have certainty that I am not sick anymore and I won't need to get the MRI to prove that.  So this is a tough day and that's okay.  It's sunny out.  I made the bed.  I prayed & meditated.  I made delicious, healthy food last night and just had a yummy breakfast that was also healthy.  MY guy was so kind to me just now on the phone.  I love.  I am loved.  Gross.  Haha.  It's okay - we are going to just take this one slow moment at a time today.  Breathe deep, go slow.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, March 30, 2019

Urinary Tract Infucktion

I got a UTI last night while we were out to dinner.  Is that the craziest thing you have ever heard?  That has never happened to me before.  I have woken up with them but I have never had one just DEVELOP while I was eating.  IT WAS SO FUCKING PAINFUL.  We went right to the store and I got something and then I went home and it proceeded to get WORSE.  Then I was shaking and freezing - hole fuck it was awful.  Then I got so mad because we had sex before we went to dinner and so I was blaming my guy.  Then I was also mad because of cancer and cancer treatment and this awful, painful week I had......so crazy that my last post was about being excited for life and now I can't leave the house.  I am though - still excited for life.  However as it goes - I GUESS - that stupid onion peeled a little more and now some shit came up and I'm upset and angry.  However - however it's different and here's why...I have tools first of all.  I meditated this morning and I felt much better.  I talk to myself differently in my head - so even though I'm upset and don't feel well - I am not letting my brain and negative thoughts run away with itself.  Okay but let's talk about what happened this week - I need to get it off my chest. 

I don't know why but someone got mad at me.  Or it seemed like they were mad at me.  I kept trying to clarify what was happening and I kept apologizing which then the whole thing melted down anyway and I ended up feeling so sick and not being able to sleep.  I was supposed to go to therpy the next morning but I could not stop crying.  Luckily my therapist talked to me on the phone and she helped me mostly get on the other side of it.  then my boob that had the cancer in it felt better.  Which was so fucking weird.  This interaction (the person getting upset or being upset) somehow triggered so much shit from my childhood that I didn't even realize I was holding onto.  It left me just shook - so shook and I couldn't stop thinking how I could have had a different life - really just blaming blah blah.  And who knows maybe that is - or isn't true.  The point is that I was still holding onto that pain.  God - why do we do this?  Why do I dig through this shit?  Because on the other side is freedom - that's why.  Clarity.  Okay but I still have to write why this was so upsetting to me.  First of all I really thought I had done something wrong and in fact - I did the absolute best I could and can.  So I was sick because I kept apologizing.  It brought up all this shame for just EXISTING.  God it was fucking honestly and truly horrible.  Let me just say that probably this was going to happen at some other point with some other person.  IT has been in me for a long, long time and needed to come to the surface - so perhaps the incident itself wasn't even that awful but certainly what it triggered - was.  So - so I promised myself that I would write this.  I am writing this because I deserve to work through this.  I am always so worried about other people and other people's feelings and so I didn't even want to write about this.  But that is fucking bullshit.  So I am letting myself express this.  It's like I let myself get beat up.  It felt very much like when I was working for that woman at the boutique and she would just flip out on me and sometimes I would have to tell her to stop.  For the longest time I actually thought I did something wrong and then I realized I didn't - in fact the exact opposite.  The guy says it came up because my worth is changing so this came up to be healed.  I just wish it didn't feel so fucking awful.  It's so crazy - recovery - because it's painful and it doesn't feel like it's going to change but it does and it's a million times better.  Am I being honest or just angry?  Both?  I suppose both because I am angry.  Living in chaos fucking sucks.  I fucking hated it - I was always so confused and upset.  I never understood why everyone was so upset or what the fuck was going on.  Okay fine - I get it.  There was also a shitload of love and super fun times.  Yes.  However - this is what has ultimately been brought up.  I feel like I am at the mercy of other people and that I can't take care of myself or have my feelings.  I have to say this feels like first world problems to be able to dig through this and that I have the time to sit here sick form it and parcel it out.  But also - I am sick - I fucking got cancer and I want to live so I need to work through this.  This is a huge part of my problem - feeling like I don't have the right to exist as I am and do what I need to do for me.  So if you are louder, have more money or WHATEVER - than it all takes a pass to me.  Am I even making sense?  Yes - for me I am making sense.  Ugh I feel sick.  It's like I got to a puss pocket in myself.  It's so fucking gross.  I don't really know what to do and now this UTI is making me think negatively and I am so upset that this is effecting my weekend.  This is the thing - I have no control over other people's thoughts or feelings.  Everyone has their own higher powers and their own journeys.  I guess what's making me so upset is that I was vulnerable.  I was vulnerable as a child and I just am vulnerable now.  What?  Okay I am not as vulnerable now. I guess I sort of feel like an open wound but I'm not.  I take care of myself.  I didn't with this person - I should have said that you can't keep talking to me like this but oh well - I will.  I will take care of myself.  I just have such a conflict - when someone is upset and clearly hurting - even if they are hurting me I think "Well but they are so hurt!!"  But there you fucking go - that's why I am in alanon and why I need all this fucking help.  NO.. The answer is NO.  I will not let myself be exposed to other people's chaos to the point where I am sick for 3 days or even 30 fucking years.  Ugh - that's not even it.  It's just this - feel my feelings, feel my childhood, rest and let it heal.  I am a grown woman and I have a beautiful life.  I am loved and I love myself and others.  This feels confusing but I guess it isn't.  It is just what I said - some buried shit from my childhood has come UP and it's super uncomfortable and I feel kind of sick from it.  Luckily I am home resting right now and I can write and write till I feel better.  I have 2 shows tonight and I have no idea how I am going to do them.  Luckily they are near my house.  I can do it.  I can take a nap and I can do it.  I have the chills.  My poor little body.  Some of scars from chemo are actually getting better - I never thought that would happen but they are healing.  They kind of flare up a little bit and then they look way better.  I guess that's what's happening to me emotionally.  This is the flare up and then there will be healing.  GROSS.  BARF.  Baaaaaaaarf.  I was so sick last night form the UTI that it reminded me of chemo.  Fuck that was so awful.  Alright it's okay.  This helped - writing helped.  It always helps.  I am going to go write in my journal now and then work on my stuff for tonight.  Love you Bluebie bye. ps I just realized I also have choices.  I am not trapped or at the mercy of people - I have choices.  And help!  I have choices and lots of help.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Excited for life....

meaning I am excited for my life - not like "I am excited forever - for LIIIIIFE."  I don't know what's happened but there is a shift.  I was just thinking the other day - yesterday?  I don't know when it was - I can't remember shit anymore and honestly I could care less - it's making me laugh right now even saying it.  What can you do?  Anyway - my point is that I was thinking about how much I miss dancing - God I loved dancing so much.  It's one of the few creative expressions I did that I did just for the sheer joy of it.  Meaning it just makes me happy to do it - I am not trying to BECOME a dancer - although I did want to be a dancer.  I probably wrote about this before - who knows!  I can't remember anything haha.  Well but back to my point....I was just thinking how badly I want to take dance class and then I was thinking (simultaneously) oh gosh yes but how can I fit it in?  How am I going to have the time?  And then - then I just thought of ALL of the stuff I want to do and then I started to get more overwhelmed as I often have in my life and then - SOMETHING shifted and I just got excited thinking about GETTING to go to dance class (so funny I accidentally wrote acting and had to change it).  I got excited thinking about GETTING to do these things.  I know it might sound trivial but it was such a mental shift.  Such a shift in perception.  Such an ATTITUDE adjustment.  I don't know.  I don't know but today I jogged - are you ready - 7 miles.  7 MOTHER-FUCKING MILES.  In a ROW.  It was amazing.  Then I went and ate 2 large pizzas!  Haha no I didn't.  But I was so excited to do it.  I was so excited to get out there and be alive and in the fresh air.  I'm so grateful my sister suggested this marathon.  Half-marathon.  Fuck I'm crying.  See this is what cancer did for me.  I'm grateful now to live and I am so grateful to do things that make me live better.  I am losing my thoughts because the tears are making the page disappear.  Hold on.  See - so I have one sister who has given me work this year so that I have been able to finish treatment and be at home healing.  Then this other sister got me to be moving my body - something that makes me feel ALIVE.  I guess that's why I want to dance again so badly - it makes me feel alive.  Opens my heart.  It has taken me almost 10 years of sobriety to get back to myself and to be able to want to live with an open heart.  It doesn't take everyone that long and it probably take some people a lot longer.  I don't know - maybe some people don't want to live that way!  I think I might finally be moving into my life - I'm not saying it correctly...I'm moving on - that's all.  I am finally moving on.  Ugh - am I really if I am writing that?  Isn't that what people say who aren't moving on?  Like a threat "OKAY I'M LEAVING - I'M GOING."  It's so fucking weird - something just shifted in my head.  I have stuff to do so I have to go.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Wow - just read an old post.....

I was so angry....I feel so badly for that person - that me that just was so trapped in rage.  I mean I am still angry but I use so many more tools now AND I have the ability to tell myself it isn't real.  That it's just negative thoughts and that they aren't even true half the time.  Not only that but that I have a way to deal with them.  Okay I just said the same thing twice whateveeer.  It's so weird I just read that old post when I actually was having similar thoughts these last couple of days after traveling a little bit with someone who isn't quite healthy.  I read the post because I can look on my blog "stats" and see what people have been reading and that old post from 2010 is one that someone just read today.  What's crazy is how serendipitous it is for me to see that post.  So this is what has gone on in my little world and mind....

I took a little road trip with another comedian and he was super sweet and nice.  We did well at the show - all good.  However after I got back home I got super grumpy and you know what - no.  Nope.  This isn't it.  I could tell a whole story about him and what I think he needs to do and here's what the truth is....

I need alanon and I didn't go last week or this week.  I usually go on Wednesdays but I had to come to the farm yesterday early and I really needed just an AA meeting last night.  This is how recovery has changed me...I am not a victim of other people even if I am effected by them.  God that's so fucking mind blowing to me.  I mean it's true - I honestly am not.  When I read that post today I was reading about someone who was completely a victim of other people.  My thinking was so distorted.  I was only a year sober and I was a mess and honestly I am so happy I was writing and getting it out.  Jesus - cancer was hard but getting sober was way fucking harder.  Because of the thinking!!  Am I lying to myself?  I mean cancer was pretty fucking hard but it was lighter somehow than those first few years sober.  Those were dark times.  I am so tired!  It's hard traveling on the road.  I don't do it very well but maybe no one does?  I need to bring more of my own food and water.  I spent all of the money I made on food and water.  The water in the hotel room was brown! Ha.  I asked the cleaning lady if I could use the tap water for my coffee and she said "I don't know I can't answer but maybe if you have your own water you should use that."  She was shaking her head no the whole time.  Whoa.

Well I went to hot yoga today with my sister and took a nap today.  I ate really healthy yesterday and today and I am going to go over there and have a nice, healthy dinner tonight.  I guess it's like anything - I just have to do what I have to do to stay healthy.  It's really hard though to be around people who do not take care of themselves.  It's heart breaking and it's really hard not to say something.  Also I start to get pulled into it as an addict myself.  That part though is unclear to me - I mean do I really get pulled into it or am I just waiting for someone to say "Pancakes, sausage, cheese and muffins are 100% okay to eat ALL DAY LONG.  THROW IN SOME BACON AND CHILI.  ADD CHEESE TO EVERYTHING."  FUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK.  What's weird is someone who is super nice but not physically taking care of them selves.  It's like they are nice on the inside but just let their bodies fall apart.  IT'S SO UPSETTING.  But it's not my fault.  I also can't do anything about it.  Except go to alanon.

So that's who I am now.  I am okay with it.  I never want to be that woman again who is enraged and unable to live a day without silently telling multiple people (most of them my friends) to go fuck themselves constantly.  So I go to meetings and I do all the things and I am able to have some serenity.  Gross.  Haha just kidding.  Byeeeeee.

Saturday, March 16, 2019

Oh boy.

Well I made an appointment for my next MRI and I am terrified but I guess - it will be okay.  Whatever it is - it will be okay.  I have to say I am eating better although today when I went to eat with my ladies it made me so sad to think of not eating any fries so I got sweet potato fries and THAT'S NOT ANY DIFFERENT.  Ugh.  Plus they had some shit on them that I pretended wasn't flour while I was eating them but I'm not to positive it was.  So greaaaaaat.  I am so tired.  I did a show last night - humped into and out of the city.  Was at a super cute bar, lots of people and I had a mediocre set.  I listened to it on the way home and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was but I thanked the guy via a message and he said "no problem!"  Which is code for "Eh - you weren't great but oh well."  Ha!  ANYWAY.  I am at home on the couch.  I had a talk with a sponsee and then I was so discombobulated after I had to call my sponsor.  So that took up a big chunk of my afternoon.  Then I ordered PH strips which took up ANOTHER CHUNK OF TIME.  How is my life stressful?  Seriously - I need to calm the fuck down.  Okay well I was hoping this would make me relax but it did not do that.  Haha.  It's a beautiful sunny day and it was a pleasure to wake up, pray & meditate, juice some celery, have a banana and go to a meeting in a pretty church on a super cute street.  I'm home and it's nice and quiet and it's all good.  I am going to cook dinner and that's going to be great.  I am going to turn my phone off while I cook and that will make it even more great.  I got a part ina play and tomorrow is the first read through.  I am so excited!  I have to go - I love you and I love your wild, wild ways.  That sounded inauthentic and it felt inauthentic also.  How about just - love you!  Big hug!!!  That's better.  Fist pound.  LOL.  Byeeeeee.

Friday, March 15, 2019

The Key To Serenity...

is stress right?  Oh boy I am stresssssssed out.  Overwhelmed.  It's okay I can do this.  That's what I keep saying to myself - I can do this I can do this.  Oye.  I just have gotten busy and it's so so wonderful and I am so so grateful!  I got a part in a play and I am going to perform at a big place on Monday and I am super excited.  I have lots going on and it's good.  I am feeling better.  Little bit each day my energy is coming back.  It's the juggling of my schedule and the moving around a lot plus the - what?  I forgot what I was saying!  Oh I know - missing meetings.  Yes - I missed alanon this week and I haven't been to a meeting since Monday.  I start to get dry so quickly and then also I start to get how I am right now - panicky and stressed out.  So that's uncomfortable to write.  Hmmmmm - well I have my ladies meeting in the morning.  What can I do?  I did my best this week.  It's all about the planning and sometimes I am not good at the planning.  I am good at eating!  Is that a thing?  I'm just flustered right now and I am not pooping so I am uncomfortable.  Something about me jogging makes me not poop which is weird because I have always heard people talk about how much they almost shit themselves when they jog.  THIS TOOK A TURN.

Refocusing......

Well okay I have a show tonight so I need to get ready.  Ugh alright byeeeeee.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Talking to Myself

I'm just going to go ahead and talk to myself right now.  I do it all the time anyway - literally ALL THE TIME.  I answer myself & I go back and forth and it's one of the main reasons I love to be alone for - so I can talk to myself.  Just have a good 'ol heart to heart with me and me.  So here I am wanting to talk to myself because at this moment it feels like the only way I can be authentic.  So today  - ugh no.  What?  What do I want to say?  I am so busy lately and I am so happy about that and I feel like I am hatching out of an egg back into life.  After this whole nightmare of cancer and treatment.  Mind you I know I am better for it.  I AM BETTER FOR IT.  I am grateful for it - I needed a slap in the face and cancer did that for me.  I am pretty terrified of my next MRI in April - which btw I keep not scheduling because I am so scared.  However last night before I went to bed I asked my subconscious if I had cancer.  If they were going to find any cancer.  Right now at this moment I feel okay.  It does feel like however I am still - in a precarious position......so then I get to this part.....all the healing I am doing of my childhood.  Ugh God that's so hard to write.  It's uncomfortable and there were certainly people who had it worse but it doesn't matter.  It's a wound I feel and I deserve to heal it.  God wants me to be healed I know it.  Right now I am awake in the day and it's sunny and I am going to go to my program at the ymca.  I am alive and I have a shitload of hair again.  It's fucking crazy.  I want to stay alive.  So the healing......anyway I have a sore Achilles right?  It occurred to me to look up the emotional cause....I finally did yesterday morning and it said that it has to do with taking the slings and arrows from other people in.  Something about our personal power and being so effected by other people negativity.  It's just alanon right?  My boundaries - not being so open to other people's stuff.  WELL - so this morning I was meditating and CRYING - because I cry almost every morning when I meditate.  It feels like a combination of detoxing, just basic upsetness over what I have been through the last few years and then what else?  Um - well - I think I get caught up in the story and just cry over that - HAHA.  ANYWAY - but this morning I was crying and thinking about the wound from my mother and how much I love her and how wonderful she was to me and how I don't want to hurt her acknowledging that she hurt me even if she didn't mean to - or even if she did (which she didn't) and I don't know - it was the oddest sensation - I suddenly felt another version of myself - pulled back into me.  I don't know if I can fully describe it.  It was as if another me was floating above myself a bit and I reached up and pulled that version of me into me and I then became - full again.  IS THAT WEIRD OR WHAT???  Okay so as I type this I am thinking also - that there is ANOTHER version floating there also.  What I thought when it happened was that it was the pendulum swing.  That when I got sober I went from being this super selfish alcoholic to being this super alanonic alcoholic because then I wasn't being selfish but I Was SO ANGRY because I kept letting people hurt me - even though they didn't realize it - because I had no boundaries.  God this is all so exhausting.  Anyway yeah it was like I pulled a suit on that was me but I absorbed it.  It was fucking crazy.  I mean when I meditate I am always aware of my soul or spirit sort of floating sideways out of me and by the time I finish meditating I am sort of centered and back together like a puzzle.  But this sentsation this morning was completely different.  It was something else and at this moment I feel much more whole again.  So yeah - again - WEIRD.  But a relief. 

So I had to talk to myself to write this today because sometimes I imagine someone reading this and eye rolling and sighing and just being like "SERIOUSLY????"  I have to say though just as I wrote that I thought "Yeah but at least that person would be READING THIS."  Hahahaa.  Meaning I am just excited someone would be reading my blog.  Even though I don't want anyone to know who I am.  OKAY.  Well.  I'm tired.  I am okay though I am going to eat a salad now and go to my Livestrong Program and keep slowly moving towards being in shape.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE (thank you for being here for me big huuuuug)

Tuesday, March 5, 2019

Mess.

I am kind of a mess.  I am exercising so much more and started the Livestrong program yesterday and all of it is kicking my ass.  I am so so tired and I slept a ton last night.  I am eating less and I JUST WANT TO GO BACK TO BED.  Okay well if I wanted to I could.  I really could!  But I want to live.  Can't I live and go back to bed?  I'm not depressed I am just exhausted.  I also have a pain in the middle of my back which is scaring the shit out of me.  I of course am thinking it's more cancer.  This is the part of cancer that people say is tough about cancer after the treatment is done.  Okay but it's not more cancer it's just a muscle in my back from exercising and it will feel better if I do some yoga but I don't want to.  Holy shit this is a struggle.  I know on the other side I am going to feel strong and healthy.  Please God help me push through this.  It's so hard to know what the right thing is to do but I know.  I am going to sit here for 5 minutes and meditate again even though I did this morning already.  Then I am going to do 10 minutes of yoga and then I am going to make chili in the crockpot so I have dinner when I get home.  I am going to take a shower and get clean and put on clean clothes.  I am going to breathe and things will shift.  If the pain continues for 3 days I will go to the doctor.  That's all.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Cookbooks.

I have been going to the library for well over a year now - I think - maybe even longer?  Oh I think it's been longer....well anyway I went yesterday and got out a bunch of cookbooks.  Do you know you can take out FIFTY items from the library at a time?  Wow.  fun!  Anyway I am reading and learning more about cooking.  This book I am just finishing "A Homemade Life" by Molly Wizenberg (sp?) was really wonderful - I enjoyed it so much and for all of my cooking I learned a lot!  I mean A LOT.  So it inspired me to go learn more about cooking.  I am of course still trying to avoid all of the delicious dairy, gluten and sugar that I love so much but well I can cook without them.  Yes I can.  So anyway wow I just got sad.  Ha!  It's sad to not eat those foods but you know what's sadder?  Cancer and cancer treatment.  For me anyway.  Also and I honestly mean this - there are so many ways to cook things now - delicious, wonderful ways to cook pastries and tons of foods - so it's great.  All good.  I am not missing out.  Also I don't drink and smoke and that is totally fine.  I'm fine without them.  Great in fact.  My life is one million times better without them. 

It's Saturday and I am so tired.  I have continued to jog and joined a program this week called the Live Strong program - did I write about this already?  I think it was started by omg what is his name?  The cyclist that dated whatever the fuck her name was?  There we go - that's some good chemo brain in action.

It's literally 3 hours later - I got completely distracted.  The guy came home and then I had work to do.  The cyclist is I STILL CANT remember but he was with Cheryl Crow.  OKAY.  Anyway I go to a program that he started and now I am exhausted.  I need to go chill out and get ready for my super long run tomorrow.  Do you know I have jogged more than I have in YEARS and I gained 5 pounds.  I haven't even been eating that much - that's a lie.  I eat PLENTY.  A lot.  I just don't eat AS much as I want to and I don't eat muffins anymore.  Also a lit - I had one the other day only it was gluten free.  NOT WORTH IT.  God - everything is changing.  A club I have been working at is changing there whole booking system and so well - I have to figure something else out.  I am growing and changing and that's that.  I am alive and I want to live.  AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  It's really uncomfortable!  Sigh.  That's okay.  I have lots of tools to help with that.  I would rather be uncomfortable than drunk any day.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye!!

Wednesday, February 20, 2019

The Wholeness of Love

Well I just wrote that title and it was uncomfortable but it's what I want to write about....hopefully I can articulate this...so I had an experience where this guy asked me to help him with something and I didn't want to do it - which is often the case with me - someone asks me to do something and I don't want to do it.  Actually that's not true - I like to help but wait that's not even the point - the point IS that I was upset he asked.  That's the real problem.  He asked me for something that I couldn't help with and it made me so mad.  My anger is so much better than it used to be but it's still there and it feels unmanageable and unhealthy.  It's so much resentment which in my gut feels bad for my cancer and I know in my head that it's bad for my alcoholism.  OKAY - SO......so anyway this guy asks me for help and I get annoyed and try to help him and I did but it left me feeling so mad and it wasn't until finally this morning I could even understand this.....


It's so fucking hard for me to stay focused on myself.  The world spins right?  I don't really have much to do with it - okay I guess I have nothing to do with it.  So ugh why is this so hard to say?  It's probably the most obvious thing in the world.  My guy always says that it's my alanon stuff that causes me to be upset when someone asks me for something.  Let me just say this part - when I was praying and meditating this morning it came to me that if I just love myself and love more when someone asks me for something - meaning instead of focusing on the anger that they are even ASKING me for something - focus on the love I have for myself, my power and my self-care to make a decision about whether or not I can help someone.  Does this make any fucking sense?  It's so crazy how hard it is to articulate and I can't even imagine trying to put it into practice.  I mean but I can't keep being angry because some guy that I barely know asked me for a favor.  Let's break it down even further to say he probably wouldn't even care if I didn't DO IT.  Right?  It's some bizarre inability to stay focused on myself - which is fucking nuts since all I do IS THINK ABOUT MYSELF.  It's so fucking totally bizarre.  I get completely pulled of myself around other people.  Okay that's not true.  I am at least 85% better than I used to be.  But this is like - what are the words - I know - this is like other level shit right here.  This is next level awareness and acceptance.  This is grown-up time right here.  THIS IS ALANON AND ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.  I think I was trying to be funny but it's not annoying it's just exhausting.  Exhausting but what are you going to do?  What am I going to do?  I want to live and be healthy and this is it - this is what I want to do.  I don't have to do it.  I want to do it.  And the love choice feels so much healthier.  It's a totally different direction.  It's the next place in the path - the next fork in the road....I keep seeing forks again everywhere only there is one direction in the fork that is a fat, big direction - like a thick branch of a tree.  So if a tree is forking and there is a thin branch or a fat one - the fat one is the one I'm supposed to take.  Fat Love.  That's a weird analogy but okay.  I have been trying to figure out what it means and I guess that's part of it.  The love direction.  But love for me.  For me in a healthy, wonderful way.  In a freeing way.  Good Christ this is uncomfortable to write about.  It's like working out scar tissue - that's what this feels like.  I got physical therapy on my boob and she worked out the scar tissue and it was - fucking awful.  Really, really uncomfortable.  Okay so there you go.  This is where I am today.  Holy shit can I go back to bed?  So if I'm in myself and making my choices form a place of love - it's wholeness.  Staying in the light - the light of me and taking care of myself is loving wholeness.   WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Tuesday, February 19, 2019

And then it's a new day.....

I finally felt better last night after a day of taking care of myself and getting to a meeting and doing service.  Today it's sunny and I was able to get outside and exercise - which made me feel amazing - even though it's so fucking hard to get to that part - the part where I feel amazing.  Jesus.  Also it's fucking freezing.  Well update on my hair wax - it seems to still be missing - I mean it is still missing.  It got delivered here or 50 feet from here but I don't have it.  I went to 3 neighbors houses and 2 said they didn't have it and one didn't answer.  The guy called the landlord and she's going to ask the woman upstairs and then the guy will ask the downstairs guy later.  I called the woman who sold it to me and she said she would refund me.  SO THAT WAS SO NICE.  It's literally the weirdest thing to me that this package would go missing.  You know I just started to type who I thought might have taken it but I don't want to.  I don't even think that's what happened and even if it did who cares.  It's fine - everything is fine.  I literally have bigger fish to fry like how to continue to stay alive and healthy.  Yeah.  I have 2 months to figure out how to take care of myself so I don't have to take that pill they want me to take.  I believe they want to help me and I get it.  I don't want to do it though.  So I need a plan.  I can't decide I want to go to California, refuse to fly and then just wait to see how I get there without doing anything.  I NEED A FUCKING PLAN.  Did that analogy make sense?  No. Maybe?  Anyway I need a plan.  I want a plan anyway.  I want to be healthy.  Really healthy.  Also I want to write more and I keep making myself a schedule and then not doing it.  It's okay.  I can keep trying.  Just keep trying and trying.  Side note...........

I am not responsible for people's feelings.

BUT IT FEELS LIKE I AM.

AND THAT IS SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

UGH.

Bye.

Monday, February 18, 2019

Out Of My Fucking Mind.

Only nothing I happening and really - nothing has happened.  I mean I am terrified of the cancer coming back - yes.  I am scared to take the pill they want me to take to get rid of all my estrogen which will basically turn me into a 95 year old.  Thinking deep on that one!  I however right now at this moment just don't feel well.  I can't stay hydrated and when that happens to me I start to go crazy.  I had a friend - she's still my friend - we actually reconnected because of the cancer - which was one of the most amazing things really.....well anyway - she always used to go crazy...get obsessive, freak out, ask the same questions over and over again, panic, and just all around you know - lose it.  So then one time she goes to the doctor when she's in the thick of this freak out and the doctor talks to her and then says something to the effect of "Well you need therapy but at the moment you are just really dehydrated."  BOOM.  MIC DROP.  How fucking crazy is that?  This was literally like 16 years ago and I have never forgotten that.  I probably already wrote about it on here but right now today I am once again reminded that I'm not okay when I am dehydrated.  I think that for the next few months I am just going to have to do 12 glasses of water a day instead of 8.  8 is NOT ENOUGH.  Ugh there you - the title of my book.  Someone probably already did it.  Anyway so yeah I need more.  Especially with the jogging.  I did drink a fair amount yesterday but I was fatigued and I woke up in the middle of the night with the worst leg cramps I have ever had.  Both of my lower legs were cramping - everything but the calves - so the side - all of it and then my fucking toes started to cramp.  IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.  So there was no way for me to straighten anything out to make it stop.  Holy fuck it was awful.  3 times it woke me up and the third time I woke the guy up - not on purpose but I was screaming and he goes "Where is it cramping?  What's happening?  Can you stretch it out??"  LIKE I DIDNT THINK OF THAT.  HA omg that POOR GUY.  I  like scream yelled GET ME THE WATER and so he did.  I fell back asleep and it happened one more time but not nearly as badly and I didn't wake him up again.  He was so nice about it today thank God.  So how is that for a dehydration story.  My head feels all cloudy and I don't know...I can't wait till I feel better.  My nails are dry and my cuticles are cracked.  I keep putting on oil and lotion.  I dry body brush and put on coconut oil on my whole body.  It's going to get better even though it seems like I am just going to be like this forever.  You know what just came to me?  A woman from the program that drank aloe vera juice all the time.  It was the only thing that helped her skin condition.  I guess I could try that.  We have a huge aloe vera plant.  It grew so much!  The guy really has a green thumb.  So anyway this helped.  Of course I don't feel good.  It takes months for chemo to leave your system and I had so much of it.  Luckily I am here at home and I have a program.  I have things to do today and I can take care of myself.  I can do what I never used to do when I didn't feel good.....make my bed, take a shower, put on clean clothes and rinks lots of water.  Have some sort of yummy snack....self-soothe.  Go be of service and get out of myself.  Let my life grow....go outside and breathe some fresh air - stay in the day and just don't drink today.  Just for today keep it as fresh as possible.  Let go.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tuesday, February 12, 2019

Where's my hair wax?

I am tired.  It's been snowing all day so it's real cozy in here and I'm tired because I had a show late last night and had to get up today to do our podcast.  So I'm tired.  I ordered some hair wax and I couldn't remember where I ordered it from (they changed the formula at the company so I had to search for someone who sold the original formula) and I had to search and dig and finally found the email from the company saying it was shipped - right?  SO I check the tracking and it says DELIVERED - yesterday.  YESTERDAY.  I didn't get it yesterday and I certainly didn't get it today.  I put on my snowboots and went out and looked just to make sure and yeah - NO HAIR WAX.  It's expensive but it's AMAZING and works really great in my super bizarre hair right now so I really want this fucking wax right?  Then I call the post office, the 1-800 number and I am holding and holding and waiting and waiting until - UNTIL.....I realize - I am acting like a fucking lunatic.  My post office is closed.  Am I really going to hold for 30 minutes for someone in Nebraska to tell me I need to ask my post office where it went?  So you know what I did??  ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??

I hung up.  I hung up and I made myself a cup of tea and then I meditated.

WHO THE FUCK AM I???

And then I felt so much better. 

When I'm tired I start to spin and get over-stimulated.  It has finally occurred to me after all these years that I do not have to continue to stay that way.  I can stop whatever I am doing and CALM DOWN.  I can let it gooooo.  Jesus.  This is why they call it a long, slow recovery.  9.5 years later and I can finally hang up the phone while I am on a 50 MINUTE HOLD.  Haha.  How's that for alcoholic??  They said it would be  50 minute hold and I was like "OKAY I AM HOLDING!  GONNA BE RIGHT HERE.  I am going to GET my hair wax!"  Good Lord.  Okay I have another show - gotta get to work on that yaaaaaay.  Sigh.  Byeeeee.

Sunday, February 10, 2019

Cooking CHOCOLATE GANACHE

No I'm not - I am just going to write about my inner child and I couldn't have that as a title.  Isn't that so crazy?  No one even knows who I am and I'm still embarrassed to write about my inner child.  I'm working on that - my inner child.  Forgiving my inner child.  Having my inner child's back.  Wow - this is profoundly uncomfortable to write about.  Is it because I don't need to be doing this or because it's just uncomfortable growth?  I don't know.  Do you know?  Well anyway I saw my sponsor today and told her I feel like I am really forgiving myself and my inner child and she said self-soothing is very difficult.  I think that's what she said.  Anyway - forgiveness - that's the ticket.  Just plain old forgiving myself.  It's so crazy - I forgave my father - forgave my mother (although there was much less there for me to forgive - she was so kind and so loving to me - so was my father but he was pretty angry when I was little - he was also super fun and charming but not knowing which one was going to happen was incredibly challenging) and yet it seems so hard for me to forgive myself.  But why?  I'm human and I have worked really hard to fix (as much as anyone can fix) my broken parts.  I used to be a complete disaster and I was not the best person I could be.  Look back to 2010-2014 of this blog!  I worked on myself though and got better.  What in the fuck am I writing about right now??  I am trying to say it's okay - I can just go ahead and forgive myself.  Every part of myself.  My youth, my inner child, my inner alcoholic and pothead - it's really okay.  I have forgiven my guy when he has been awful.  Honestly and truly forgiven him.  I love him!  He's wonderful and we all make mistakes.  OH MY GOD IM CRYING.  Okay but my nose is tickling so it's fake I guess.  It comes down to giving myself the same leeway.  I love myself right?  Christ that's more uncomfortable to write than INNER CHILD.  Yuuuuuuuck.  I do though - I love myself.  WOW.  Still uncomfortable!  Well whatever - I can forgive myself.  I feel like it's part of what the cancer was about.  It's exhausting to carry around not forgiving yourself.  It's exhausting and it's heavy.  It's not natural and it's toxic.  I'm sure there are like 2 or 3 people who don't want good things for me or who don't wish me well.  That's not so many right?  There are so so SO many more people who love me and want a beautiful life for me.  Why don't I get on board with them?  Isn't that a more interesting journey?  I'm trying to say this is my choice.  I can choose here.  I can choose health and it feels like this is a big chunk of something I can let go of.  Let go of me not forgiving myself.  That's all.  Just let it go.  I don't know obviously how much time I have left but I want to enjoy it.  I want it to be light and I want to be happy, joyous and free.  So there you go.  Side note - I have been writing on this blog since 2010 and I have ONE follower.  How hilarious is that?  Ahhhhhh - honestly I think that's great!!  Well okay I have some straightening up to do.  It's Sunday night and I want to sit on the couch with my baby and watch something funny.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Farming My Bagina

I have been here since last Wednesday.....on the farm....helping my mother who drinks too much but is so sweet.  She's a writer too.  I mean if I can call myself a writer.  I do call myself that but I don't know if I say it to other people.  I have it on my business cards.  HA.  I mean I write - right??  Anyway my Mom is also a writer and was always clacking away on this old ass typewriter we had.  Tonight she told me she only had 2 storied published - one in the Navy Times about a chameleon they had before I think I was born and one in our town paper here about when I left my bionator at the beach during an afterschool Oceanology class.  I fucking loved Oceanology.  Oceanography?  Holy fuck I don't know what it was called but we went to the ocean and looked at stuff.  We would also collect specimens and bring them back to the lab and look at them under the microscopes and I LOVED it.  We would put on long rubber boots and go out into the marshes...loved it.  So one time we went and I was so distracted by the guys flirting with me - I was in 7th or 8th grade and I was the only girl in Oceanlogy or whatever the fuck it was called and so the boys loved me.  Anyway I had this Gloria Vanderbilt little pink purse with a super long strap that I kept my bionator in and I left it on one of the dunes of the town beach we were at that day.  Well when I got home that night I realized I left my bionator at the beach and my mother FREAKED out - of course because it was like $400 and back in the 80's that was super fucking expensive.  So the next day before school we took our dog and went to the beach and went to the dune and there was my little pink purse with the bionator.  My mother was SO SHOCKED we found it that she wrote a story about it and it got published in the paper.  I WAS FUCKING MORTIFIED about it - of course. 

I just spent a good 20 minutes trying to find that purse to confirm it was Gloria Vanderbilt...They came in all different colors and I guess it could have been Jordache but I don't know.  I'm so tired now.  I had to go to Urgent Care yesterday because I thought I had a UTI but it turned out to be a problem with my Bagina.  The doctor who told me her name was Marcella so it occurred to me 4 hours later that she was NOT acutally a doctor told me it was from my instant menopause and hormone shift that I was having a problem.  She searched around in there for awhile, took a sample and said he would call me in a few days.  She said "Your pee is perfect so now we gonna talk about you Bagina."  Oh my God it was so funny!  She was laughing too!  I kept saying Bagina everytime she said it!  I'm so tired - I have to come back and fix this but here you go.  Byeeeeeee.

Monday, January 28, 2019

Tomorrow.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I have had treatment.  So I guess the chemo and everything else will start to - or already has begun to leave my system.  I am so scared or at least I have been scared all day until I went to type this and I had another tab open that says Never Fear Cancer Again and I remembered that I don't actually have to be afraid.  My Snake Doctor says "If I keep my terrain healthy there is nowhere for cancer to express itself."  He might not have said it like that.  He might have.  I really don't know but that was for sure the basic idea.  I probably already wrote it on here!  ANYWAY.  So.  So I don't need to be afraid because I am taking care of my terrain.  I haven't been feeling well - last week I even had one day where I literally felt like I had had chemo again.  I was sick to my stomach all day and I couldn't get out of bed - it was awful.  I have been so so tired and fatigued.  I am taking care of myself though.  I have been resting and staying as busy as I can.  I have been putting coconut oil all over my skin which has helped the rash so much.  I have been jogging!  Going a little bit more each time.  I floss and make lots of healthy foods and I am taking my supplements.  I have lots of healthy teas and every morning I am juicing that celery.  I'm cooking stuff where I am sneaking in other veggies.  I made mashed potatoes with pureed radishes and jalepenos - which were actually pretty because of the green and red specks.  It sounds SO GROSS but they were pretty good and the guy loved them.  Anyway my throat feels weird which I think means that there are Epstein Barr Virus bugs in my thyroid and the celery juice is killing them off so my throat feels gross.  OKAY THAT SOUNDS NUTS.  Insane thought number 2 is that maybe because I am detoxing from the chemo, it is going back through my system AND I did feel like I was getting choked for at least 4-5 months on one of the chemos - the taxol specifically.  Okay so this is fun to write about.  NO IT ISN'T.  I am going to try to just get healthy.  That's it!  I have a friend - she's in the program and she's older - a doctor - so sweet.  She keeps telling me if I eat a muffin or a piece of pizza once in awhile - it's okay because I can just eat a bowl of broccoli to offset it.  Okay - so what is that about - balance?  Something I am not good at but I can try.  I am so tired.  I have been eating so much garlic it's insane.  Okay gotta go the guy is going to be home soon.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Therapy.

Well I went to therapy and now I’m on my way home on the train. I’m on my phone so this is difficult but I really want to write. I started therapy with this woman 17 years ago. I have never stopped. Sometimes I miss and there has been times where I’ve gone twice a week. She has never changed the price although for years I paid $10 and when I started to make more money I started to pay $20. This woman has been so unstoppingly kind to me. She has been a solid, smart, loving and constant presence in my life. I’m crying right now. There’s people who pay hundreds of dollars to do this work. It seems like I was absolutely meant to get better when someone has allowed me to literally only pay what I can and in this past year and a half (cancer) I haven’t been able to pay many times. I just am keeping a tab. I have a tab open at therapy. Today was yet again one of those times where something has truly shifted in my brain, in my awareness and it’s all about clarity and being able to just feel my fucking feelings. Also this....are you ready? Am I ready? It’s the same thing I think I’ve written about and thought about but somehow it’s different. It’s this - let’s see if I can put it into words. I can be responsible for myself. And not just for my feelings, choices etc. But for how I effect other people. And I do effect other people. So somehow me knowing that I can protect myself more. From other people. Oh boy I’m not explaining it. I think I’m afraid to really say it. I’m a magnet. I attract other people. So I need to be careful and just take care of myself and say back the mother fuck up. Especially with women. I always think women can’t be predator. And if they are soft looking and pretty and have high voices - I get even more confused. Which my therapist says means I’m angry. So there you go. Boundaries. Responsible for my boundaries. Recognizing if someone is confusing me, it’s probably making me angry and that means something is off. So that’s what 17 years gets you. Ha! That and I’m SOBER. I no longer pee myself while I’m walking the ONE fucking block from the avenue to my house from a cab thinking to myself “well so I peed whatever I’m a half a block to the house I will take off these pants when I get in there.” I also highly doubt I thought it with that much clarity. It was probably more like “fucking whatever.” Ha! Holy shit. Terrifying.


Does this all seem self-cenetered? It is. And I’m so fucking GLAD I give myself this. Because now I can be helpful in the world. I can be of service. I can use my goodness to help without getting used up. Why am I so angry? Are you judging me? Ha. I guess I feel defensive about how much cuz I do to take care of myself. Good for me is really the thing. I love when other people do it so I’m going to love it that I do it. Byeeeee!

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Can't Sleep.

I went to bed right after I made the previous post, fell asleep and then woke right back up like I often do.  I usually blame the guy but he isn't here.  Aw!  What a turd I am to blame him!  Anyway he isn't here so it's not his fault this time.  I then proceeded to lay here and be upset still trying to figure out what the fuck I am so so upset about - driving me nuts.  Then I jerked off or whatever women call it (I call it that) and then thought for sure I would fall back asleep and stop thinking about this.  Then not so much - I was just a little bit more relaxed and obsessing.  So then I said my mantra - felt a little better but still not sleeping.  Then I realized what the fuck is so upsetting and it's shame.  I feel fucking embarrassed and ashamed.  That's what it is.  I can't for the life of me figure out why - it's so elusive to me......I guess it's the confusion and that I somehow made myself vulnerable but also I wanted - what?  Some kind of love and what??  I can't find the word.  Holy shit what am I trying to say?  An affirmation of some kind I guess although that's not exactly right.  Well anyway so I realized that and then I realized I don't have to do this or fight this fight.  Serenity is what I'm after.  Kindness.  Hope.  Love.  Barf.  Strength.  I have so much to be grateful for.  It's focusing on myself and moving on that's all.  OMG I wanted CONNECTION.  That's it.  That's IT.  Isn't that what we all want?  Why is so hard sometimes?  Also why are relationships so much fucking work?  I guess this is why life is a mystery - things work out, then they don't.  People change and people don't.  People seem wonderful and then they aren't.  We grow and others don't.  I don't get anything sometimes.  I can say this....I want to keep going.  I want to live.  That's hard to say.  It's such a struggle and what's the biggest struggle is - relationships.  With ourselves and other people.  So how do I stay kind?  Truly kind?  How do I stay in myself - take care of myself - be true to myself?  While maintaining relationships that are healthy and kind?  I get so pulled off myself around other people.  Or at least I have ever since I got sober.  I don't know.  I guess I just keep going that's all.  Jesus I really hope that once this stuff wears off that I will sleep again.  It's 1:39 am.  I am wide awake man.  Gosh I miss the guy!  I guess I will read now.  I do feel better.  I have to say that I am not as angry as I used to be about things like this.  I would have just been enraged.  I was hurt and angry but it wasn't like psycho level rage.  So that's growth.  This woman said tonight you have to drop the anger to steer the sail?  Omg I can't remember haha.  Something like that.  I have a lot to do.  Hopefully goodnight!!  xoxoxoxo

You might be surprised but....

I am upset about something.  How in the world do I say this?  How do I say this without saying it?  I got my feelings hurt - okay I can say that.  I got my feelings hurt by someone who has hurt my feelings many times.  Okay I can say that too.  Gosh it's so fucking weird but I feel better already.  Also it's hilarious that I just wrote "gosh" the wrote "fucking" right after that - haha.  So I got my feelings hurt and it's just so nuts how it then is a mind fuck of did I somehow ask for this, what's really going on - blah blah.  I don't even think that's what I mean.  What it is is this.  I just can't let shit go.  Also what?  It just sucks.  I'm sad and confused and it makes me sick to my stomach.  The confusion - what's my part - what in the fuck is actually going on?  Well then also there's this.....I have no idea.  Honestly and truly at the end of the day I have no fucking clue what is going on.  So then that's the answer.  I don't know and I have so much to do and focus on and that is so uncomfortable.  I guess I want what I have wanted many, many times in my life.  I want the thing I want from somewhere and someone else.  It's never going to happen.  Isn't there a more positive way to say that?  Ugh it makes me want to throw up that I am going to say this but - it's in me what I am looking for.  Gross.  Not gross?  Gross.  Holy shit I am so tired.  It's so late - the guy has been away so I have been staying up late like a crazy lady.  I am so fucking uncomfortable.  Fine.  Fine.  I am uncomfortable because I went to try to get fucking oranges from the hardware store.  Again.  If the was an award you could win for trying to do something that doesn't work over & over again - I WOULD WIN THAT SHIT.  WINNER.  Okay I am so exhausted.  Jesus I am going to meditate again before I go to bed....my head is messy but worse than that so is my heart.  My heart deserves better.  My heart deserves the love.  What in the holy fuck am I talking about.  I know what I am talking about and it's helping me.  GREAT.  Love you B.Luebie,bye.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Trust My Celery Juice Self

I am juicing celery juice every morning.  It tastes pretty refreshing but it's SO LOUD.  I am using the Ninja because I don't have a juicer - they cost a million dollars.  So I use the single Ninja thing to blend the celery and then put it through a strainer.  It's definitely straining (in addition to the juice) my alanon/people-pleasing issues since it's loud.  I believe in it though so I am doing it.  I don't wake up too early and I think the guy that lives below us actually gets up earlier.  Anyway I am going to keep doing it.  I meditated this morning and thought about how even though the guy was gone yesterday - I really took care of myself.  I ate healthy, went to AA & alanon.  Got some healthy groceries, came home and cooked more.  Did the dishes even!!  It often feels like he is the one guiding us to do all this healthy stuff but I did it all before him.  Not the dishes.  I never did the dishes - which was gross.  So.  So when I meditated this morning I realized I am beginning to trust myself - I was going to say again but I don't know that I ever fully did.  So.  So okay.  I am so tired.  I am just fighting this cold off & on.  It's okay - I can still calmly go about my day.  I was so embarrassed at alanon last night.  I was sharing and then had this crazy hot flash and turned BEET RED but kept talking even after the bell rang and then TURNED MORE RED.  Is that even possible??  I GUESS SO.  Ha!  This is why writing is good - I feel so much better just making fun of that (in a loving way).  God it's so much work!!!  All of this!!!  I have to call my alanon sponsor.  This is that work that nobody sees you do.  What does it say in the Tao??  Just do the work and show them the results.  Something like that - maybe I can find it hold on......found it!  Side note I just sneezed and peed a little bit 5 times.  Fun!  Okay here it is - it's number 36 and at the end of the "poem" it says "Let your workings remain a mystery.  Just show people the results."  HE KNEW ABOUT AA BEFORE AA!!!  Ha.  Anyway there you go - just show people the results.  Ugh - how annoying.  It feels like one of the only things I am actually doing well (maybe?) and I want people to know!  Is that true?  I don't even think that's true.  I think I just want to write and express myself and this is one of the things I do a lot and we write what we know - right?  That's okay - I can write about it here.  I'm going to run a half marathon.  So I need to get to work on that.  I'm doing good - so far I can run 1.3 miles.  HAHA!!  Well okay it's a challenge!  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

It's My Birthday!!!

No it's not I just wanted attention.  Anyway - hi!  I am at home on the couch.  It's freezing out and I could not sleep last night.  My guy woke me up out of the craziest dream so I didn't get enough sleep once I did go to sleep.  What is my point?  Oh that's why I am home on the couch.  I have been taking care of myself though.  Prayed, meditated, ate a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and I'm writing a little bit.  I have stuff to do today and an audition to do too.  Yeah I have this cold I can't shake which is probably not crazy at all given this year and a half.  So what's up with me?  I am so brain fogged today and I have no idea why.  I ate very healthy yesterday although on Thursday - wait what?  No not Thursday - Wednesday?  Yes on Wednesday I had McDonald's.  Is it possible I am feeling the effects of that 3 days later?  In my brain?  OKAY I AM GOING TO STOP RIGHT THERE.  I have a cold, I need to exercise and I have no fucking clue what is going on.  I felt clearer after I meditated and I will feel clearer after I exercise.  Great.  Good!  I am obsessed with Anthony William - the Medical Medium.  OBSESSED.  I really think I have had some form of Epstein-Barr Virus for a long, long time.  Okay but let's just say I don't and I just had cancer and I am still tired from that and treatment.  Okay fine.  Let's say I just got cancer from letting my ex-husband slap me in the boob 35 times one night & not Epstein-Barr.  Maybe!  But the solution for the Epstein-Barr that he is suggesting is a wonderful solution for my body.  Or rather it's wonderful things for my body - anybody's body!  Fruits and vegetables - you know - all the healthy things.  A different combination of supplements but - well anyway - it can't hurt to do more juicing and eat more vegetables.  I started this morning juicing celery.  So I'm going for it.  Time to exercise.  Sigh.  HA.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Exhausted & Grateful

I'm on the bed - my most favorite place to work.  I was just doing - trying to do?  Social media stuff - I completely suck at it but it's fun.  I am just continuing to slowly build my business.  I miss acting.  I miss acting SO MUCH.  My guy thinks that's what I am meant to do.  I have to say I feel so fucking FULFILLED when I get to do it!  That being said I have a show tonight.  My spot is at 12:25 AM.  Can you fucking even believe that shit?  HA.  Oh boy and I am EXHAUSTED.  Why?  Honestly probably because of cancer treatment but other than that I have no idea.  I am convinced that I have Epstein Barr Virus.  I am reading all this stuff by the Medical Medium and he thinks that breast cancer is caused by EBV.  Something about it getting trapped in the breast as it's trying to get cleaned out of your system by the lymph system?  Maybe?  Holy shit I have no idea something like that.  But I have been tired for YEARS.  Ever since I got sober!  9.5 fucking YEARS ago.  That's a long time to be tired.  I also probably had at least one of my cancers that long too but still.  Anyway I am not going to figure it all out today although I want too.  I just want to read all of this guy's books in 2 days and then start juicing the fuck out of celery every morning and GET BETTER.  BECOME WHO I AM MEANT TO BECOME.  FREE MYSELF.  I also want to watch movies for 3 weeks and sleep for 2 months.  I am fighting some sort of cold.  It keeps kind of leaving and kind of coming back.  I ate I think 9 cloves of garlic yesterday.  To try to get rid of the cold.  I roasted them and put them on rice crackers.  YUM.  Anyway I have to get ready for this show.  We had a nice day today - the guy and I.  We meditated, he jogged outside - I jogged inside - had sex, went grocery shopping and then I made us dinner.  I must have done something else but I don't know what and now I am EXHAUSTED.  Yeah I just took a moment to think about it and I just couldn't think what else I did.  Oh I made us breakfast and I did the dishes.  Um - okay.  HA.  Well whatever I had cancer and I had Lyme disease and now I have Epstein Barr.  Or something.  Maybe I'm just old.  WHOA.  Fuck that.  I mean I guess I sort of am but I AM NOT.  I have to go and work on my set.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Re-Cover.

HERE IT COMES - A NEW YEARS DAY POST ABOUT RECOVERY!!  Haha oh boy.  Who wants to read about this shit?  I guess YOU.  And me!  But not in public.  I can't stand when people yell about this shit in public.  I don't know why.  It doesn't feel safe I guess.  Well anyway it's a new year and it's a beautiful sunny day.  I had a great day yesterday and so far today I am doing what I wanted to do on this new year's day.  I have been organizing myself and this year I am going to write.  So I am starting this year off writing.  I am also going to exercise, dance and I forgot what else.  Man I was passionately writing what I was going to do too.  HA - and then I FORGOT.  Yikes.  Um - what the fuck?  Well clean and take care of myself.  Do all the other stuff I always do.  I have now learned about this man called the Medium and I got his book form the library and I am reading it.  It's called Life Changing Foods.  I'm excited!  He says that he thinks that breast cancer is caused by the Epstein Barr Virus.  Which is a form of herpes.  I don't have herpes but maybe I do.  Or did.  Anyway so here's the thing though - it all comes back to what the man said what the fuck is his name one second....Raymond Francis - Never Fear Cancer Again - he says that there's one illness - 2 causes....Deficiency and Toxicity.  OKAY FUCK.  It's so much information.  It's all about food and healthy thinking.  All of the shit I have been writing about for the last 9 years.  It is fucking nuts how hard it is to clean out this brain of mine.  I think part of what I am going to do to help is meditate an additional time each day.  So twice a day.  I just get so scrambled.  Omg I wrote scrambled and then got so hungry.  My stomach is growling!  Hahahaaaa.  Scramble yum.  Anyway so it's a journey and a new path.  No sugar,dairy and gluten.  I made a mousse yesterday with coconut cream, cocoa and vanilla and it was UNREAL.  It was fucking delicious.  Unsweetened coconut cream and I used Truvia - a few packets of it.  Yeah it was good.  Tiny bit of coconut whipped cream on top and BOOM.  I have to say though it was still pretty fattening.  So it was a nice treat.  Fuck I am exhausted already and it's only 1:12 pm.  But that's okay.  I'm on this new path or at least starring at the road.  One step, one day at a time.  It's an adventure right?  And what am I going to do?  I can not take those fucking oral chemo pills so I have to stop eating sugar and dairy and just NOURISH the fuck out of myself.  BUT HOW COOL IS THAT???  I am going to get to feel GREAT.  It's like recovery in general - it seems like such bullshit that we have to do this until we realize that we get to feel CLEAN and GRATEFUL and HEALTHY.  The solution is all the stuff I love anyway!!  Just to be clear I also loved drinking and drugs but I can't do it safely.  I was a mess and I was going to die slowly.  So now I was also dying slowly from cancer and I got treatment for that and now I can CHOOSE a different way to live.  There's so much help available and just like with the program - a lot of it is free.  Or for vey little cost.  I mean whatever there's cost involved but it's not millions or even thousands of dollars.  Library books are free.  Going on the internet is free. Meditation is free.  Great am I getting angry.  Gotta change we are going for a walk - it's almost 60 degrees out!!  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEEE.