My Grandmother.

I had 2 grandmothers - one was Grandma or Grandmama and the other was Grandmother.  So formal right?  She was my Mom's mom and she lived far away and I didn't really know her very well.  We saw her in the Summer sometimes and occasionally other times.  I don't remember her very well....I liked their house and she always struck me as - formal.  My grandmama was my Dad's mom and she lived near us and we saw her tons.  We would go there on Sunday night's and watch TV - the Lawrence Welk show mostly and that's when I realized I wanted to be an entertainer.  Anyway she was super loving and great but also difficult.  It always confused me.  Anyway so Grandmother was married to Grandfather and he was an artist and he painted different family members and he did a painting of her that's in my mom's house now.  She's older and sitting at the table with her hand on her throat - because she always had her hand on her throat....and do you know I always remember looking at that and thinking how odd and compelling it was.  I do it now - I put my hand on my throat as if I am protecting it or I don't know - healing it somehow?  Grandmama was angry.  I'm angry.  I am going to say I think Grandmother felt stifled and do you know - I feel and have felt stifled my entire life.  Vocally.  Emotionally.  I'm emotional and it makes people very very uncomfortable......

Cut to this morning...I am having a hard time in the mornings....the menopause is magnifying my alcoholism that I wake up with.  I'm very uncomfortable and sad.  It burns off eventually in the afternoon but it' painful.  Then I think about different people that have hurt me for some reason and this morning I thought about someone who I am not friends with anymore and how hard it was to be friends with her because I could never truly express myself and I couldn't resolve anything.  You know I was just going to write some examples but it doesn't matter.  This is what matters....she wasn't being like that because of me.  She wasn't actively trying to hurt me.  She has got shit to work out just like we all do and she is doing her best.  It wasn't a good fit friendship-wise and I took many steps back which was much kinder ultimately than being in a friendship and being resentful ALL THE TIME.  Which is what was happening.  So when I was walking I was thinking about how I couldn't express myself around her - she out a hand up to whatever I wanted and tried to work out with her.  Then I thought "SEE THIS IS WHY MY GRANDMOTHER HAD HER HAND AT HER THROAT - SHE WAS ALONONIC AND COULDNT EXPRESS HERSELF."  Then I realized that I can do whatever I want.  I can say whatever I want.  I can be whatever I want.  I get the FEELING I can't express myself but it isn't true.  If I continue to live from that place it's okay but I don't have to.  I made a healthy choice to no longer be friends with her but now I can also be kind about it.  This what my sponsor said last week and it blew my mind..."I am kind to people who are kind to me and if someone is not kind to me - I am still kind to them - but from a distance."  WOW.  What's the point of moving away from that friendship if I am going to carry around the resentment still?  I mean I think part of my issue is that I think I can't feel my anger I have around her and the people like her that I attract.  But I can - I can feel whatever I want but good GOD girl - let it the fuck GO.  I went through CANCER and cancer TREATMENT and it was HARD and it put me into early menopause - suddenly and my life is forever changed.  I am BETTER for it so seriously - let it go.  I can let it go.  I can let it go and now I have a sober reference for when someone like that comes into my life.  I have a choice and I can also be kind.  Starting with myself.  Starting with today.  Which I have done so far and this helped.  Love you Bluebie bye.