My Throat.

What I was trying to say yesterday that I never fully expressed was that I have issues from both sides of my family and from both of my Grandmothers.  Today is a new day and today after much discomfort this morning I have realized that I am an emotional cutter.  I use to chew my lip - a LOT - just chew and chew.  One time a friend asked me while watching me chew my lip if I was ever a cutter and I said no and then thought to myself "How fucking rude."  HA.  Well so this morning I once again got my feelings hurt and I called my guy and said "Blah blah blah" it doesn't matter and he said - let's see if I can say it..."You aren't eating donuts so you are just self-harming by thinking about these 2 people who have hurt you" and UGH I can't remember how he said it.  It doesn't matter.  What matters is that I just sit and EXAMINE this stuff and make myself SICK.  So after he said that I got on the treadmill and then I JOGGED and SWEATED and my thinking shifted in my BRAIN and then I felt like I was going to barf so I finished up and I rested and now I don't feel as awful.  I'm upset that it is taking so much work for me to operate in the world but also - I'm one of the lucky ones - I'm not drinking or doing drugs anymore and now I do feel better physically so I can exercise and burn that crazy off of me.  It's okay.  It's really okay.  I am learning all the time.  I am learning all the time and the part of the world that I motor through will be better for it.

So why my throat?  I don't know.  It feels weird but I think it's my thyroid healing.  Coming alive?  Who the fuck knows.  I can feel it.  I can feel my throat.  Yeah I don't know I just spent a minute touching it with my eyes closed and I have no clue.  Expression.  Yeah.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Ps It's hard not to feel selfish writing so much about myself but I really do feel this is the work many, many of us have to do...and this is a sort of journal for anyone interested in this way of life.  These types of writings have helped me immensely - truly.  It's helps me also...to get clarity and to get it out of me.  Byeeee.