Thursday, March 29, 2018

Guess Who Ate Their Way Through The Last 3 Days?

Probably a lot of people and me.  I ate so much and honestly it was all delicious.  I had pizza 3 times, ice cream, bacon, eggs, a burger, a honey glazed twist roll thing, McDonald's, soup, a scone, cereal, one single banana and I can't remember what else.  Well I don't know but I'm just a mess.  The fucking steroid really did a number on me this week and now - NOW get this - no radiation because I probably need more surgery.  Honestly I can't even talk about it.  I need another MRI.  I feel depressed.  I also feel extremely full.  I just ate a new version of Ben & Jerry's that was extremely worth it.  Well this is my last week of eating whatever.  I am going to start reading a book called "Sick & Tired" and ugh it's about adjusting your PH blah blah.  It's so hard to write about eating healthy when I have been just eating pizza for 3 days.  I guess today wasn't so bad it was just the ice cream that wasn't good - except for the part where it made me feel better.  Dear LORD who am I?  What?  Okay it's okay and I'm going to be okay.  I just need to get the MRI and worry about whatever then.  I think I'm shut down or something.  I'm sad.  I wanted to move on with my life and I am just now stuck in this fear of more surgery, more anesthesia, more healing at home while my life is on hold.  I feel sick.  Meanwhile I look so crazy.  I'm bloated from the steroid and the food and my hair - my hair is so crazy.  I look like Eminem - is that how you spell his name?  Christ.  Maybe I will try to read this book my sponsor told me to read a month ago.  Okay it's okay.  I'm going to be okay.  It's going to be okay.  Big sigh little sigh it's alright.  I'm sad and in a little bit of shock but it's okay.  I'm home, I did the dishes and the great part?  IM ALONE haha.  Oooookay.  Love you Blubie bye.

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Back in Bed With Sunday

I'm back in bed although I don't actually feel so awful today just a bit tired.  Also it's so cozy in bed!  I just love out bedroom so I got back in bed.  The guy is in the living room with the headphones on watching Meet The Press.  I can't watch that show or really any television during the day - it make me feel bad.  Like when I drank during the day.  Okay anyway......I have the one more chemo coming up on Tuesday.  I am going to make cupcakes for everyone and they better like it!  I just want to do something to celebrate.  I am still concerned about radiation.  I guess I am still worried about the side effects.  Yes that's it.  I am worried about it hurting me and I don't actually totally understand what the side effects are.  Is it side-effects or side effects?  I think it's side-effects.  I have some Earl Grey tea sitting next to me and it smells so good!  That's nice right?  I'm going to meet Larni tonight to go get something to eat and I'm excited.  That's part of why I am resting right now too - to conserve my energy.  Oh my God this tea tastes so good!  How healing it is to have tea in bed!  I'm still breaking out like crazy ugh.  What else?  Oh I don't know I'm trying to heal in general.  I'm just letting myself do that even though it feels so foreign to me for some reason.  I guess it's the self-care part that's difficult and the just truly caring for myself.  It's very uncomfortable.  Allowing myself to do what truly feels in my heart good for myself rather than pushing myself from something my head is telling me is right.  Also I'm exhausted so I don't have the energy for much anyway.  Yesterday I went to my ladies meeting, went to breakfast, went to the library, went to the bank, came home, went for a walk, went to vitamin shoppe, ate sour patch kids in the 7-Eleven parking lot by myself (WAS GREAT), came home, rested and read in bed for a couple of hours, made dinner, did the dishes, watched a movie and that show Love on Netflix and WENT TO BED EARLY.  That's it!  Like a retired person!  I was relatively calm doing everything also because I am not as stressed out anymore.  I just don't want to be.  IM NOT INTO STRESS ANYMORE.  I had one show this week and it was great!  I miss class so much but again I don't have the energy.  Would you do the radiation?  Doesn't it sound so scary?  I researched it a bit yesterday and I guess I am just worried about getting lymphedema mostly.  Ugh I don't know.  It's hard to think about it when I am still compromised from the chemo.  Something feels off about it but what?  I guess I just have no idea what it is and I don't really understand why I am doing it.  My poor boobs.  I'm confused, which my therapist says happens when I am angry.  Am I angry?  I guess I am super upset to have to do more treatment especially something that could hurt me.  How is this my life?  It's so crazy.  Yes I am unclear what I am agreeing to and I don't even really want to do it.  I was originally not wanting to do it because I want to go back to working and going on auditions.  My hair is still growing back and I have pimples and I'm bloated from the steroids and chemo - so I don't really want to go back yet.  I just want to be and get healthy!  I want to heal not have more treatment.  Ugh I don't know what to do.  Who can I ask?  I'm sure there are some message boards I can read.  Hmmm - okay love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, March 22, 2018

Radiation.

Well life will be on hold for me for another couple of months.  I have to do radiation next and it's going to be once a day, five days a week for a month.  I will be very tired and okay OKAY.  Yeesh.  I didn't want to do it at first but then I heard mastectomy again and I was like FUCK THAT I will do the radiation.  I just can't wrap my brain around more surgery and such a - I can't even write it.  I can't do it that's all.  I will do the radiation.  I'm exhausted even though I slept - are you ready for this?  12 HOURS last night.  What?  Almost the whole way through.  I think I woke up to pee but I don't really remember and I woke up around 8:30 and went back to sleep until 10:00.  Holy shit right?  I was so excited to go back to auditions and run around doing that again.  So excited!  Now it won't be until JUNE.  Oh well I look awful anyway and I don't have any hair, eyebrows or eyelashes.  I'm also super puffy and fat from the steroids.  It's okay - I must need to rest.  There must be a reason I am on hold still.  I'm on hold!  Holy shit I just got so tired - I'm going to lay down.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

Ugh.

I'm back in bed.  It's okay I will get out soon and go to meetings and it will be an okay day.  The guy woke up last night and was so upset about money.  I mean his business is quiet right now and he feels so much pressure because I can barely work.  He wasn't upset with me at all just upset that he's not making enough money.  My God it has been like this my whole life - or at least that's what I am telling myself right now.  How in the fuck can I get healthy and then go back to work and instantly feel stressed about money?  I don't know.  That can't be good and I don't know what to do.  I have to pee hold on.  Okay now we spoke a little bit and he is saying I just need to heal and get better.......

I'm just upset today.  I'm so exhausted and I am tired of not feeling well.  I blow my nose 1000 times a day.  I don't have a cold I just have a constant runny nose that often bleeds.  HOW SEXY IS THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.  Ugh.  The mind fuck is that I am NOT really sick - it's side-effects form the chemo.  I'm not sick from cancer or anything else, just sick from the treatment.  I guess it's still sick which is why I am being easy on myself and staying in bed.  Oh boy feeling sorry for myself!  Good Christ.

Okay it's just alcoholism attacking him and then I think it's Alanonism attacking me.  Maybe it's both attacking me.  This hasn't been how my whole life has been anyway.  What?  A really nice guy taking care of me while I heal from cancer and one time he's upset about the financial pressure he's under?  No - that is not how my whole life has been.  The financial stress feels real and pervasive.  The deprivation feels real and pervasive.  I don't know if they are though.  UGH.  I'm so glad it's sunny today!  It would be so much harder if it were a cloudy day today.  I'm going to relax and read for a little bit.  I'm almost done with Radical Remission.  It's helped me so much.  Then I'm going to take a shower and then I will feel better and go to my Sunday meetings.  Maybe in between I will eat a taco and life will show me its wonders.  I will see the wonders of life through a taco.  Amen.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

How Can I Get Quiet and Drink Enough Water

Okay SO.  I have decided that one of the things I have been doing these past bunch of years besides not eating well is not letting myself get quiet enough.  I have been meditating almost everyday but you know what?  I think I was phoning it in!  Just saying the mantra and getting quietISH but not really getting quiet - not really plugging in.  So okay I just want to give that to myself.  A truer meditation practice.  Also I don't drink enough water.  I have had trouble since I have been on the chemo since it makes me very dry and I just can't seem to drink enough of it.  I started to drink coconut water to help but then the guy suggested Smart water and I have been drinking that instead.  I think it has helped a little bit but I did some calculations today and realized I need to drink way more.  Anyway so that's what I have been thinking about this morning.....meditation and truly getting quiet and totally hydration.  Good Christ is this all so tedious or what?  I mean I am like sloooooowly doing all these things and I feel like I am in kindergarten or something.  It's okay and aren't I lucky I have the time to do all this.  I'm back in bed - I just love being in our bedroom lately....seeing the trees and sky outside the windows and the sun coming in - I just love it.  I guess I'm having some sort of spiritual awakening.  I was thinking about something this morning and I was getting tense, my shoulders were going up - right?  Then I let it go and my whole body felt different.  Oh my GOD - how am I going to go back to auditioning and doing stuff?  How am I going to take care of myself.  I need SO much to take care of myself now.  Yikes is this so self-centered?  Is it just self-centered enough?  What can I say - I got cancer and now I am VERY VERY concerned with healing and not having it come back.  I think I am entitled to that right?  COME ON.  This is making my boob hurt.  I am going to start meditating a second time during the day.  Or at night.  Twice.  I should do that and my tenth step at the same time - I mean meditate, then do the tenth step.  Well it's a nice, sunny day and we are going to go for a walk and get some groceries, then I will make dinner.  I made pasta last night and it was delicious.  Gluten free organic past with an organic tomato sauce with ground beef that was also organic.  Yum!  The guy loved it.  MAN do I fucking love cooking.  It makes me so fucking happy.  So that's nice and healing.  I love grocery shopping too.  It's fun.  Do you want to hear something really sick?  Last night I was doing the dishes and I thought to myself "I love doing the dishes."  WHO THE FUCK AM I???  A person who thrives on calm, quiet living.  That's who.  A person who loves to cook, grocery shop and do the dishes.  A person who also loves show business but has to be very careful how she operates herself in that business.  Okay now I'm going to read for a little bit till the guy comes home.  Love you Bluebie!  Byeeeee.

Friday, March 16, 2018

My Immune System

My Immune System deserves to be in capital letters - everyone's does - right?  It works so hard and keeps us alive.  Okay mine was working too hard I guess because I got cancer but that's my point.  I need to work with my Immune System now.  It's all about me and my body working together to keep me alive.  Right?  Well that's what I want anyway and from everything I have read and mind you I still don't REALLY understand what the fuck cancer is BUT from what I understand when your body and your Immune System are too overworked then the Immune System can't do it's job and we get sick and get cancer or whatever else our body is trying to fight off but can't.  So.  So what can I do to help my Immune System?  I'm not entirely sure but I am reading this book - I have been reading this book called Radical Remission and it's about people who recovered from cancer after they were told they were going to kick that bucket and/or chose to use something other than conventional methods to get better.  Some people used conventional methods and alternative treatments.  Regardless they survived and they did in ways that are not traditionally used.  What?  Am I making sense?  Here are the things (did I do this already?) that the author found most people did in order to heal.......in no particular order and everyone did a varying degree of these things (seriously did I write this already!?)...

-Radically changing your diet
-Taking control of your health
-Following your intuition
-Using herbs and supplements
-Releasing suppressed emotions
-Increasing positive emotions
-Embracing social support
-Deepening your spiritual connection
-Having strong reasons for living


All of these combined, in my opinion and from what I understand so far from this book, help the Immune System work and GET RID OF THAT CANCER FOR GOOD.  Okay and what about this?  Those are all great things to do even if you DON'T have cancer - right??  Just now as I was typing this what popped out at me as THE DIFFICULT ONE for me is "Releasing suppressed emotions."  It might as well be in neon lights.  Man that is a hard one for me.  But so what I guess.  It's all about practice right?  I mean that's what I do with the program - I practice.  I practice not picking up a drink or a drug one day at a time.  I can PRACTICE releasing suppressed emotions.  The book talks about letting the emotions wash over us and then go away.  I love that.  For years my therapist has been telling me to let myself feel angry - especially because the world and people can be so enraging.  SO.  So here's an added tool.  I can FEEL the feelings, then release them and let them wash over me.  What?  That sound exhausting no?  FEEL the feelings and let them wash over me and THAT'S the release.  How odd that that seems so much less exhausting.  Anyway it's a great book and I just want to feel better and live better.  Holy shit I reconnected with an old friend who I haven't spoken to in 12 years.  We talked today and it WAS SO NICE.  Life is bonkers man, just nuts.  Just a big old bag of dusty nuts.  But in a really cool way.  WHAT?  Byeeeeeeee.

Monday, March 12, 2018

New Day - New Week

That's going to be the name of my newspaper.  My NEWSPAPER?  My magazine?  Haha - no one does newspapers anymore.  Aw that's sad.  Anyway it's a New Day in a New Week and that seems great.  It's sunny out today which always lifts my spirits.  I love waking up in the morning and opening all the blinds and letting the sun shine on the plants - it makes me so happy.  I can hear the birds and this makes me happy too.  I've decided I want to be happy and healthy.  That's it!  That's what I want!  It's upsetting that my hair is white (not blonde unless I want to lie to myself - they guy keeps saying it's blonde but it's white - gray and WHITE) because it makes me feel old but guess what?  I did get old.  I had been pushing myself and not taking care of myself while being filled with resentments and fears.  So okay but also so what?  That's what happened and I got cancer.  But now - NOW I am getting better and I am learning and relearning all sorts of things and I can heal now.  Lots of people get white hair who gives a shit?  Hmmmmm - I have lost my point and man was I being passionate about it!  Haha.  Anyway new direction in life that's all.  The show was so fun last night but it was so so exhausting to do.  So I am going to take the next few weeks and just relax.  Well after I do 2 more podcasts this week - then I will relax.  I'm excited for the one today - I have been wanting to do it for years!  Okay so my new life direction is happiness and healthiness and it starts with acceptance.  That's it!  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Sunday, March 11, 2018

Sunday.

It's Sunday and I am back in my bed but just so I can write - I'm not sick today.  I'm tired but I feel okay.  We watched Hidden Figures last night - holy shit what a great movie!  The guy has been trying to get me to watch that movie but I didn't want to because I thought it would be boring.  Omg!  It wasn't even a little bit boring!!  Anyway it was fantastic.  I am still run down from the chemo but I have been resting a lot so I'm somewhat okay today.  I am breaking out now is the only thing.  For some reason I have pimples ALL over my face.  the pussy kind.  Wait that's not the right word.  Pusy?  How do you spell puss - pus?  OMG!  I have to look it up.  OH - the correct word is purulent.  I HAVE PURULENT PIMPLES ON MY FACE.  Okay.  Okay great.  We all learned something here and that's that everyone will still say pussy pimples and mean pusy not pussy.  OKAY GREAaaaaat.  Well anyway.........

So I am bald, I don't have any eyelashes and most of my eyebrows are gone.  I have pimples all over my face and the hair that I do have growing in is WHITE.  However what's positive?  I have been able to rest - a lot and that's because my guy is being incredible patient and kind while I heal.  I took a nap for 2 hours yesterday after we went for a 45 minute walk.  Holy cow!  I've had so much love and support from so many people and the jobs that I do have are being SO NICE while I get better and just go when I can.  Okay so that's great right?  When I put on my makeup and wigs I look fine.  I'm so happy it's winter - I've said it before but I will say it again.  This would have been so hard if it were Summer.  Wearing a wig in the heat!?  Good Lord.  Now what else??

I have a show tonight.....I'm so tired but I think I am excited for the show.  The guy is going to bring me and he just loves going to shows so that will be fun too.  I'm going to see someone who is exhausting to see but I have told myself it's practice and also - isn't there always someone who is exhausting to see?  It's just patience and self-care....I just can practice saying hi, keeping my feet on the ground, taking care of myself, breathing and conserving my energy.  DOESNT THAT SOUND FUN.  I would die if someone had to do all that just to fucking say hi to me.  I'm sure people used to have to do that!  I was a hot fucking mess to be around good lord.  Charming but exhausting.  Oooooo - I like that.  Charming But Exhausting.  I don't like it anymore.  Okay well LOVE you Bluebie - byeeeeee.

Thursday, March 8, 2018

Still Compromised.....

I'm a hot mess.  The steroid has now worn off for this week and I am back in bed.  I am so so tired - just exhausted.  The chemo is cumulative and this week and last week it really feels like it.  I was able to make it through Thursday last week without getting back in bed but this week I am back in bed ON Thursday.  I don't have anything to do so it's okay.  The kids don't have school or power so the dad has them at a hotel.  I don't have any shows or anything until Sunday so that's good too.  So I can be in bed and rest and read.  I was STARVING yesterday from the steroid.  I ate 4 cinnamon rolls.  FOUR.  I would have eaten more but the guy was here and watching me.  I could have eaten the whole pan seriously.  I also ate 2 burgers - NO BUNS.  How's that for self-control???  2 BURGERS NO BUNS.  Good Christ.  I'm trying SO HARD to be nice to myself.  I'm telling myself I'm not doing anything wrong I'm just compromised from chemo and having a reaction to the steroids.  Everyone gets crazy and hungry on steroids - that's what ROID RAGE is all about!  It's a real thing!  I'm doing so good!  I have been very positive and so grateful that I can be home and resting.  We have power and that has been amazing!  The snow storm was completely crazy and so many people, schools, churches and businesses don't have power.  I get to be home, here in my bed with my pajamas on AND my hair is growing back.  It's gone from white to blonde now.  Is it possible my hair will grow back in BLONDE?  How fucking weird is that?  After coloring my hair for the last bunch of years it's weird to think of it growing in the color I actually WANT it to be.  I'm sure it will keep changing.  All I need to do is rest and be kind to myself.  I felt a huge shift after I meditated this morning so I think I will meditate again this afternoon.  Is this where acceptance comes in?  I think yes.  My finger nails are getting a little funny from the chemo - I hope they don't fall off.  I have been using the tea tree oil on them like they told me to.  I am going to rest.  I am going to rest and read and continue to practice being nice to myself and accept that just for today I need to just be calm.  The sun is shining on my bed right now and it's so lovely.  I am going to be done in 3 weeks and then I will start to heal and blossom with the Spring.  I am so grateful that this treatment was in the Winter.  Love you Bluebie bye. 

Friday, March 2, 2018

Compromised.

I have been in bed all day.  I tried to wake up and go about my day and it just didn't happen.  I was exhausted and there is some sort of NoreEaster - is that what it's called?  Some sort of crazy storm outside and every instinct in my body said GO BACK TO BED so I did.  I read allllll day and had a little bit of sex with the guy.  The other highlight was making gluten free blueberry pancakes.  I managed to do the dishes too.  But now I am back in bed and happily so.  Oh well - another month of chemo and then hopefully I will start to heal and feel better.  I won't be compromised and I can even take the trains again!  My hair is growing back and guess what?  IT'S ALL WHITE.  I look craaazzy.  It's all baby soft.  I'm sure it will change.  I think some eyelashes are growing back too which is exciting.  Anyway so what else?  An old friend got in touch with me and honestly it's so sweet.  I don't think I have spoken to her since - well I know - it was the beginning of 2007 or at best the end of 2006.  THAT IS SO LONG AGO.  She ran into a mutual friend who told her about my cancer so she reached out to me.  I just have to say it's the craziest thing what this cancer has done as far as reconnecting me with people and how KIND they have been.  So I find myself in AWE of people's generosity and then I am also like I CAN'T BELIEVE ONLY ONE COUSIN SENT ME A CARD.  What the fuck is that?  Haha so fucking crazy.  So alcoholic.  Someone is kind and then I'm like well where the fuck is everyone else!?  I am so fucking happy I am in bed right now.  I never do this.  I mean I did it when I was so so sick from the other chemo but this feels like something kind for myself - like a mini-vacation.  I guess actually my energy level is similar to that other chemo - meaning I don't have any - but I am not nauseas.  CANT I JUST LET MYSELF BE IN BED AND NOT HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING ELSE?  Christ Almighty on a cracker.  Gotta go - love you Bluebie byeeeeee.