Ugh.

I'm back in bed.  It's okay I will get out soon and go to meetings and it will be an okay day.  The guy woke up last night and was so upset about money.  I mean his business is quiet right now and he feels so much pressure because I can barely work.  He wasn't upset with me at all just upset that he's not making enough money.  My God it has been like this my whole life - or at least that's what I am telling myself right now.  How in the fuck can I get healthy and then go back to work and instantly feel stressed about money?  I don't know.  That can't be good and I don't know what to do.  I have to pee hold on.  Okay now we spoke a little bit and he is saying I just need to heal and get better.......

I'm just upset today.  I'm so exhausted and I am tired of not feeling well.  I blow my nose 1000 times a day.  I don't have a cold I just have a constant runny nose that often bleeds.  HOW SEXY IS THAT SHIT RIGHT THERE.  Ugh.  The mind fuck is that I am NOT really sick - it's side-effects form the chemo.  I'm not sick from cancer or anything else, just sick from the treatment.  I guess it's still sick which is why I am being easy on myself and staying in bed.  Oh boy feeling sorry for myself!  Good Christ.

Okay it's just alcoholism attacking him and then I think it's Alanonism attacking me.  Maybe it's both attacking me.  This hasn't been how my whole life has been anyway.  What?  A really nice guy taking care of me while I heal from cancer and one time he's upset about the financial pressure he's under?  No - that is not how my whole life has been.  The financial stress feels real and pervasive.  The deprivation feels real and pervasive.  I don't know if they are though.  UGH.  I'm so glad it's sunny today!  It would be so much harder if it were a cloudy day today.  I'm going to relax and read for a little bit.  I'm almost done with Radical Remission.  It's helped me so much.  Then I'm going to take a shower and then I will feel better and go to my Sunday meetings.  Maybe in between I will eat a taco and life will show me its wonders.  I will see the wonders of life through a taco.  Amen.