Friday, August 28, 2015
but thrilled. Well maybe thrilled is the wrong word - fascinated? I am fascinated at things moving in a different direction. I did that show Wednesday and managed to get myself to that extra work yesterday on time and get a decent night's sleep and get myself back here to the store today. I mean I guess - what? I forgot what I was going to write. Im not sure if extra work is really for me- holy shit it's crazy. Anyway. What again? Im a little foggy and having trouble with negative thinking. I have 3 more weeks of working here. Holy shit. I have worked here for 4 years. Long enough to have gone to college again! Im ready to go. I guess. I feel like I finally just - you know what? No. Im not going to write how I finally just figured out how to get here, find cheap food blah blah blah. It's time to move on!!! 3 years ago!!! Haha - at least 2!! WOW. Um - I love you? Hahaha Im crazy right now. I made my coffee SO strong this morning - lord Im going to crash. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
I got a new job. I went for the interview, trained the next day and they hired me. I gave her my notice here at the store - and she never wrote me back. I even ASKED her if she got the email. It's so ironic because I started to doubt my decision. I went to an audition yesterday and when I came back I walked a different way than I normally do and I was like "Oh I love this area - oh it's so pretty right here oh I'm going to miss this." UM WHAT? Anyway so her ignoring me completely is helping. I just need to get out of here. I gave her a month but if she doesnt want that - that's fine. WOW. Im also getting busier with comedy which is amazing and terrifying. Okay I really cant write anymore - the store has been so crazy busy. OF COURSE. So I love you sweet blog - let's see what happens!
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Trying to stay positive and working hard but not killing myself. It's so fucking confusing to be honest. I just want to either do comedy 100% of the time or not at all. I mean it is fucking excruciating doing it in a methodical manner. It's practically fucking killing me. Which is where the burping comes in I guess. I mean I can't stop burping. I'm just stressed out. I went on a job interview - I can type 36 words a minute. Man am I skilled or what? On another note I am having these wonderful weekends with the guy - we go to the beach - go visit people - go to meetings - it's amazing. Ugh and then I'm so stressed out? It's crazy. Well it's also hot as fuck - so humid too. I hosted a show last night - got home at 1:30 - because someone gave me a ride home - thank GOD. I have been doing sit-ups, some yoga - walking everywhere - changing my eating habits and DEAR GAO - I feel like I have gained weight. What the fuck? See - I can't think positive. Im exhausted. Busy. Busy is good. Anyway - haha - at least I didnt eat a muffin yet. And Im just not able to see how things are going to work out. How can I afford my class? How can I pay my rent? How can I get enough stage time? How can I - I dont know what - live? Save for the future? Stop panicking every time I save more than $20. Isn't that the weirdest thing ever? I get a very real sense of doom whenever I save even the tiniest amount of money. At some point I really need to understand what that is about. I'm tired. I feel so grateful - I was crying last night as I was walking away from the meeting I was at towards where the show was. All the things I got to calmly see as I walked - it just seemed so beautiful. The buildings, an old lady trying to text.....Okay and then as I am writing this some lady from this neighborhood where the store is - walked in with her horrible hair and asked me in sucha cunty passive aggressive voice if we were going out of business. She is a frumpy, dumpy cunt. UGH. SEE HOW GRATEFUL I AM. Unreal - Im terrified of this job ending but I don't like it. Oh she is trying on a scarf that looks like a table cloth. OH MAN I HOPE SHE BUYS IT. Im trying - I swear to God - Im trying. Bye.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Im reading a book my sister told me to read called Eat Pretty. It's absolutely fantastic - for me. Im also reading Sick In The Head and it's also fabulous. Just a couple more weeks till my anniversary - today I feel better and I am - what? Going to get to it today. Live and get to it. Love you Bluebie bye.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
akid was sitting next to me on the subway and he wasn't even man spreading - he just kept brushing his uberly soft skin arm up against mine and it was growiing me out. I felt annoyed and like he should have been the one to adjust himself since I was in the seat first. Whatever - I wanted to get up - or hit him with my bag (one of my favorite subway moves) and/or huff and puff - blah blah blah. All things that would ultimately hurt me. I moved my own arm so I wouldnt have to be picking up on his weird images in my mind (part of the reason I dont like touching strangers to begin with) and just didnt do anything. I just felt annoyed and moved myself. Miracle number 1. HEre's the next one. An older woman came in here - to the store - she's been in here before - shes a racist and shes horrible - she told another customer once to "Go back to the country you came from." I think I wrote about her before. Anyway she came in - went in the dressing room with a dress - pulls the curtain aside and heads towards my water - brand new big bottle of Poland Spring s- the BIG bottle - and says "Can I wash my hands?" I said - "no - we don't have a sink" she says "Cant I use your water?" I said "No! That's my drinking water!" She says - all demanding - "Can't I just have some?" I say okay - fine - I gave her a paper towel - I open the water and I go to pour some on her hands - and she's - ha - trying to catch it and then she just GRABS the bottle AND STICKS HER BIG OLD LADY THUMB in my brand new bottle of water. She gives the fucking bottle a good old rim job and then says thanks. Ha and OMG are you fucking kidding me? Then she asks all sarcastically if I want her to buy me another water. "Do you want me to go get you another water?" Anyway - this is the point. By the time she left - and had driven 2 other customers away - I had decided the owner of the store is buying me a new bottle of water right? I BLAMING the owner for this. I go to grab money out of the cash box and then - then it just felt so uncomfortable. I was like - no - no Im just going to go for a walk instead and take money out of the bank, throw this water out and get a new water. Listen - I know I will have old lady thumbs one day very soon and I know I could have probably just drank the water. She also could have just gone and BOUGHT me a water - she didnt need to ask me 75 times. She's a horrible person. However - I ultimately said yes - to giving her some water to begin with - I didnt need to. It wasn't the owner's fault! I wasn't going TO STEAL money to buy another bottle of water. I mean I really had to stop myself. Listen I hate being responsible for my own feelings it sucks. But Im not going to be thief because some racist old cunt was pushier than I was prepared to deal with. Whatever - I guess it's 2 very small wins. Miracles? I still have pms - love you Bluebie bye.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
I was walking to a show last night - I had blisters on my feet from walking around all day - I was tired and feeling the show might not be worth it. Then I thought - "be positive - this is fun- it's China Town - it's an adventure - this is great - it's nyc - Im so happy to be here - this is great" and then my feet stopped hurting and my whole body felt different. that's all - just a thought. So powerful. Love you Bluebie bye.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Soooooo - I did a show last night that was - I dont know - fun but I lost focus. Someone's phone rang and then a bunch of drunk guys came in. The good part was there WAS a show and I didn't completely bomb and a new joke Im working on is doing well. This is the bad part. I only seem to do really well if I practice 500 times before I go up. Honest to GAWD - I dont know if I can do that - I really don't. Okay and I am fucking starving right now. Ugh and sigh. Well anyway - um - what the fuck is my point? Am I seriously complaining that I cant somehow be magically good at something without trying? HA - yes - yes I am. OKAY. Well - good - now if I cant keep myself from destroying my relationship while I'm at it that would be wonderful too. Jesus. I forgot my phone this morning and had to go back for it. I made a choice - that being that I would rather be late than TORTURE myself all day worried about who may or may not be calling me. I wasnt even that late is the crazy thing. Omg WHAT the fuck am I writing about? I have pms. I need to go eat something healthy before I order a burger. Love you bye.
Monday, August 3, 2015
Wow - I just realized my 6 year anniversary is coming up fairly soon. Beginning in September - oh duh - September 3rd - one month from today. WOW. That at this very moment seems mind blowing to me. Okay so the weekend was good - but the week was rough. I have been having a rough time although I went to the beach yesterday and today I got to put a mud mask on my whole upper body and relax before the guy drove me home. I just made myself lunch which was lovely and in a couple of hours I'm going to go for a walk in the park and go to a meeting. I did a show over the weekend that was reasonable good - I worked a lot on it - wrote, re-wrote and practiced it a ton of times. Now I'm just waiting to see the recording which I do hope is indeed going to happen. Haha - somehow I have a feeling it didn't work or something. Well - whatever - it was good and the hard work paid off. I need to figure out my week. I don't know. I'm going to try to go to some clubs - some other places where I don't usually go. Ugh - terrifying. So fucking scary. Okay - maybe 2 open mics and 2 clubs to visit. There - that's what I'm going to do. Holy shit it's hot in my apartment. The guy is great and well - patient. I just - I'm - ugh - I just get annoyed and upset - him not being divorced yet, my job ending - haha - having no money. Oh but seriously blah, blah blah. I'm so fucking grateful to be sober. Sober and in alanon. Even if I am super uncomfortable and feeling shame & humiliation on a consistent basis (ha) - at least I'm not pissing on myself and throwing up every morning from my own doing. And yelling at people. I yelled at people so much. When I was drinking and the first 3 years of my sobriety and 3 weeks ago. Oye. Okay - love you Bluebie bye.