Awwww - his Mom died.

No wonder I was sad - his Mom died last night.  I'm so upset - I wanted to meet her.  Poor guy.  She was 92 and had dementia for about 10 years.  Awwwww - barf - when is it ever okay??  When is someone dying ever okay?  I don't know.  Ugh - so I didn't say anything about the lease coming and I don't need to decide anything today.  I got to work on time and I'm clean and I have on clean clothes.  I didn't want to get here - I felt myself digging in my heels in, at my apartment but I just ignored it.  I need to get here on time for me - not her - and listen - she's going to be whatever she is no matter what I do.  So why don't I have a less stressful journey to work and get here on time?  How about the part where I'm a grown-up so I show up on time to work also?  Ugh - such an emotional day.  Love and connection.  Maybe since I am in love with this man I should move in with him because he loves me and we can work it out?  I'm terrified to move and I'm worried that I'm using not wanting to change my routine and waiting for him to be divorced as excuses.  Everything is a chance isn't it?  Ahhh - it's overcast today - cold.  I'm here in the warm.  I just texted with my sister who I love and I can eat food and I am so lucky to be alive and sober.  It's just one day that I have to stay in and it's today.  HA.  Yoikes.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Sadness.

I feel so sad.  My neighbor said her dog always smells the door still for my dog - ugh.  I miss her so much.  My new lease came.  What am I supposed to do?  How can I move?  I'm so confused - he's not divorced yet - am I supposed to not sign the new lease and then hope he gets divorced?  Also how am I even supposed to move?  It's so hard running around now - what's going to happen when I'm even farther away?  But I'm in love with him - I want to be with him - ugh.  Also I went on an audition today and the owner of the store was PISSED that I left - but what the fuck??  I always get these auditions (not always - twice a month - MAYBE) and I can never go because no one can cover me.  Ugh - I know it's not crazy she wouldn't want me to leave the store for an hour but come on - I have never called in sick once, I cover people, I switch my schedule - ugh whatever.  Do you know the worst part of leaving?  I got lost - went to the wrong building - went up to the 3rd floor of the wrong place and said I was there for the audition and they were like whaaat??  Then I finally get to the audition and EVRYONE THERE IS CHUBBY AND OLD.  Then I see the break down is for out of shape people.  THANK YOU.  Then - omg I get into the audition and they were like - "Okay - go ahead and do what you prepared."  No direction or ideas and guess what I prepared??  Nothing.  Ha - I leave the audition and some lady has just change into a FULL COSTUME for the part.  Ugh- whatever.  I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up with the guy by not moving in with him.  Or by moving in with him.  I need ot go to bed - love you Bluebie bye.

Great class, Great Show - New Day

I had a great day yesterday.  I came to work to cover the other girl to go take care of her family and I had class - ran out to do a show and then went back to class. The show was great - class was great.  It was mind blowing.  I mean I can't believe I'm having fun doing this again.  Jesus - so grateful.  It has taken me so many years just to get back to the beginning again.  Dear lord let me stay in these programs and take care of myself and my loves.  Be of loving, kind and generous service.  Help me to continue to take care of myself so I can walk amongst others and help to make them laugh.  Let me use my pain for good.  Love, love, love, love love.  Bye.  (Don't worry I will be miserable again tomorrow)

Self-Care and Other Mysteries

I finally went back to therapy last night.  Holy shit - my brain felt like it was tangled and dry - I was a mess.  And yesterday I really was at a breaking point.  I seemed to be attracting douche awfulness.  My cab driver was a dick, some lady came in the store and stole something - then I realized 2 super expensive cuffs were gone - so 2 things were stolen - and I just was a needy mess.  Listen on a different day I might have perceived all of this differently - that these were just things that happened and needed to be dealt with - or whatever.  Cab drivers are often dicks - lots of people in New York are dicks.  And shit gets stolen from stores.  My class felt weird the night before - no one clapped for me the second time and I had done good work - but - well - I'm not sure what happened there but once again - I was feeling off.  This is the thing - I need therapy - I have to go - it helps me.  Writing on here helps me, writing in my journal helps me.  Praying & meditating everyday helps me.  Lots of meeting helps me.  I need all these things in my life or I start to fall apart - quickly & unattractively - I mean on the inside (but my outsides quickly follow).  So - so the lesson is I have to take care of myself.  JESUS and it's SO MUCH WORK.  I came home last night after therapy and I didn't see the guy.  I got a good night's sleep and I spoke to a sponsee for an hour.  He's coming to pick me up soon and then we get to see each other and it will be so much better because I took the time to take care of myself.  There is some sort of tectonic shift happening for me where I'm realizing I don't have to hurt myself anymore to make things work out.  I don't have to sacrifice my comfort and well being in order to have a relationship.  I don't have to work with people - at least if it's my own show or my own work - that I don't really enjoy working with in order to create art.  I have choices.  So - so there is what is happening for me on Day 1998.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

I don't really have anything to say and I have lots of different kinds of work I could be doing but I just wanted to write on here.  I had a super awkward night with the guy - and then an uncomfortable morning and THEN we got into an argument.  Which was ultimately for the best but still - not fun.  It's pretty amazing that we don't fight - that's the closest we get - an argument.  Well anyway - I'm terrified to move and it's really hard seeing him as much as I do - I'm tired.  So I guess I have to put on my big girl pants and say when I need to be alone during the week to recharge.  WHY is that so hard?  Would I rather be angry, have a weird night, morning and then an argument instead?  I guess so.  Oh my God I feel like I'm going to pass out.  I think the way I am dealing with this insanely cold weather is by eating until I feel sick.  It's certainly distracting.  I feel like my back is going to explode.  Who eats lunch and then feels their back fat grow??  Plenty of people.  I swear right now I can feel my back oozing out of my sweater.  Okay - well - bye.

Oh I don't think any one is reading this anymore.....Ha

Okay so half the time I write on here and I feel like a person on a deserted island writing in a journal.  Who am I writing to and WHY am I doing this?  That being said I know there are 2 or 3 people - maybe 1 person who reads this - and for you - I write tonight.  For you and for me.  Thank you.  Sooooo - so today I felt crazy - unmanageable.  I woke up late because I got home from the show I hosted last night at 2:00 and I was exhausted.  It was a really fun show - I'm doing so much better performing wise - holy shit.  Okay that being said I was a mess today.  No shower, no cute outfit - in fact I wore the same outfit I wore yesterday - I just changed the skirt and my underwear.  HA - can you imagine - I took off all my clothes, slept, changed my underwear, put back on all the dirty clothes - BUT - put on a different skirt.  Jeez.  Well so I was upset about everything today but then people were shopping at the store and it was sunny and despite myself I got out of it.  I also had a real problem yesterday and part of today googling Meg Ryan pictures.  I just don't understand - okay but you know what - it's none of my business.  Oooookay - so.  So I called my jewelry manager mentor and we had a chat and ultimately she was like - just have fun - it's supposed to be fun.  MIND BLOWN ALL OVER AGAIN FOR EVERYTHING IN LIFE.  The show was FUN last night - that's why it was good.  I had fun last week performing - that and everything else I did to get ready for it was why it was good.  Ugh - duh.  So there you go.  That's what my new goal is.  One day at a time with all of this and have fun.  What the fuck else is there seriously?  Okay and also - I forgot what I was going to say.  I need to figure out how to be put together.  How do women do it?  How do people do it?  There are men that do it.  This and other mysteries - tomorrow night at 7:00.  I LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE. 

The Martyr Lie Explained Further

So this is why else I'm realizing as I sit here alone in this big quiet apartment all day. That I believe it has to be hard and that I have to do things that hurt me in order to get and do what I want. The unhealthy kind of hurt and the unhealthy kind of things I don't want to do. The unhealthy kind of relationships.  I mean I know that in order to be in shape I need to work out and it hurts.  However that doesn't mean reAlly hurt myself right? Am I making sense because I feel like this is so profound to me right now. It all has to do with trust too. Trusting my higher power, trusting love - trustingThe right way or the positive way I should say.  I didn't have to keep dating dirt balls and I don't have to keep,playing the role of the martyr a and the victim in order to be a producer.  Ugh I feel like I sound crazy.  Listen its a lie to be a martyr and it's not nice to me - first of all - and it's not nice to anyone else but MOSTLY - it doesn't work! Ha.  It makes everything too fucking hard.  So there we go.  It's too hard and not functional.  I already meditated twice today and I think I'm going to do it again! I hope I can find myself again. The one who is not a martyr - the one who has faith in God and the universe and herself.  Here's to meditation and finding myself and for being ready when my time finally comes.  Meaning in acting and comedy not when I die.  Thanks.  Bye.

Being a martyr on Presidents Day.

Hi.  So I have a cold and it's also cold. I'm at my guys house and I didn't leave all day yesterday. I didn't even go outside once.  Now I'm here again and was angry about my friend who I always get angry about and while doing some work on it realized not only do I make myself a victim of her.  I am being a fucking MARTYR.  Okay. We'll fucking barf. My alanon sponsor also said its crazy making which makes memos upset to hear ( more crazy making he) but also it's not nice to her. No one benefits from having an imbalanced relationship where one person is angry and unhappy with the other one all the time.  Not only that but after all this time all this program work in 2 different fucking programs I do not trust that I can have a different type of friendship.  I don't have to have an unhealthy working relationship with anyone in any area of my life.  Fuck.  We'll anyway so that's where the responsibility on my part comes in.  That's not being responsible being a martyr.  Um wow mind blown. It's also being manulative.  I feel like it sounds like I'm beating myself up but I'm not.  Or at least that's not my intention.  I'm trying to be very real and honest with myself and for some reason I need to do it publicly on a secret blog. Ha.  Oh boy. I feel like I need to lie down now and all I've done all day is eat some food,  pray and meditate and write in my journal. Ugh. It's nice to be here. So quiet and peaceful.  Something keeps beeping and for the life of me I don't know what it is.  I need to take a long, hot shower.  Wow so I feel sick again. Some yoga and a shower will help.  Love  you Bluebie bye.

Selling this jewelry is so fucking hard.

It's SO HARD.  I keep having these parties and it's 5 degrees outside so barely anyone shows up!  OMG.  HA.  It's also so crazy dragging around a suitcase with JEWELRY in it.  OMG - WHAT AM I DOING?  I had a show this week - one that I produced and I was SO MUCH BETTER.  I made my coffee too strong this morning.  I feel like I am finally back to myself as a comedian - whatever the fuck that means and well - it was a lot of fucking work.  I worked so hard - to produce the show, work on my set - go over my set a million times.  And now - now I feel like I am finally at the beginning again.  Can you even imagine?  I had to work so hard just to dig myself out of the hole I was in.  Am I making sense?  Am I being honest?  I don't know!  I finally feel like I got back to loving it and having fun onstage and not being tortured.  How did I even do that?  I mean work through that?  I don't know - I guess God.  I'm not even joking.  It's just the start too - so much more work to be done.  Okay I have to get ready the guy is coming to get me.  I LOVE YOU Sweet Bluebie - Happy Valentinder's Day!  Ha - xo

Shame, Humiliation and other Love Stories.

So I wrote to you dear Blog last night about my teacher, my class and all the other boring things I did in my gloriously sober day yesterday.  Today I woke up feeling so much humiliation - I still feel it.  Embarrassed about how I performed in class, embarrassed about my teacher and my feelings for him - my old teacher.  I don't know.  I just woke up feeling ashamed.  Isn't that so terrible?  I feel like I can't really shake it today also - I just have this overall feeling of shame.  One woman was not watching me while I was doing my monologue - she kept putting her head down.  So of course I feel ashamed about that.  What exactly is my point?  I don't know - I just feel embarrassed and ashamed a lot and it's not fun.  It's such a gross feeling.  I didn't take a shower today so I feel gross about that too.  Why do I do that?  Um - am I beating myself up?  That is certainly not the idea.  Anyway - well what can I do?  It's how I feel right now.  I wish I could go for a jog and do yoga.  Okay - so embarrassment, shame and humiliation.  Fun!  Fun stuff on a Tuesday!  Love you Bluebie - may you never feel shame - you are amazing.

Omg I never have enough time now to write on here!

It's 12:42 and I should be in bed but I'm going to write here for 2 minutes.  That old man upstairs is using his vibrator - holy shit - it sounds like he got a new one and it sounds like a lawn mower.  That should get the job done!  Wowza - holy shit.  What is he DOING with that thing?  Do I really need to ask that?  I mean do I really lack the imagination to answer that question myself?  It's just so fucking strange.  Sometimes he drops it on the floor and it kind of buzzes around.  HA.  Okay - anyway.  Love the guy (meaning my guy) - he's so great.  Went to lots of meetings this weekend and I went today AND had very fun but unsuccessful jewelry parties.  I just had my acting class which was amazing.  I mean I was still mediocre - ISH - with that monologue but I got through it.  My other teacher - the gorgeous, amazing smelling one keeps FLIRTING with me - IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY.  What is he doing?  I don't even get it.  He sat near me the other night and I almost had a coronary - I mean he's so INTENSE - his energy.  Ugh- okay - anyway - I don't get it at all.  I am so tired!  I need to go to bed.  I love you sweet Bluebie.  Sia is amazing - I can't stop singing that song or doing those dance moves from her video.  Why aren't I dancing ALL THE TIME?  That's what I really want to know.  Dance, write love.  Act, sing and kill plants.  That's all I want to do.  Byeeee.

Fat, cold and confused.

It's day 1980.  The year that MTV started.  I just ate a cookie the size of my head and I wasn't hungry and I have a HUGE head.  It occurred to me as I was sitting in the hair dresser chair yesterday that I have a ton of hair because I have a huge head.  So why wouldn't I have a lot of hair?  I have a lot of head!  Okay so I'm not doing great in my acting class right now and instead of reading the play or doing anything productive - I'm complaining about it and figuring out how to quit acting and comedy and what to do instead.  My guy says it's just alcoholism trying to get to me and that if spiritually well then it wouldn't matter.  It does feel like in general that I have so much shit braided into me (what?) that I can't perform.  I mean - ugh I don't know.  I'm so frustrated and tired.  It's freezing out, I didn't take a shower this morning so I could pray & meditate this morning.  I owe my January rent still, I am poor and I'm not seeing anything too bright in my future for acting.  I haven't even gotten an AUDITION lately.  I'm so confused.  It just feels like I should stop - get a job - live a nice life with my guy.  How long before I would get insanely bored?  I don't know.  I got bored thinking about it.  Maybe I could find another passion besides the arts.  I just feel like I'm going in the wrong direction.  UGH.  I'M SO CONFUSED.  I wish I could get a sign or something - something to help me figure it out.  I LOVE YOU sweet blog bye.

I'm so tired.

It's Sunday - I woke up and went to a meeting with a bunch of my sober "family."  It was a great meeting and I was so glad I made it there - right on time.  It was a long meeting - an hour and a half and then I came right back home, ate and took a  little nap.  I am so exhausted even though I got about 8 hours of sleep.  I got my period yesterday and I had a jewelry party.  It was super tiny and super stressful!  I can't believe how hard it is selling this jewelry.  You know - I don't even know if it is or not - I just get stressed out and it's a lot of work talking to people - even though in general the people have been SO NICE.  Okay but - and - huh?  Oh I know - I have my period and so I'm tired.  Can't I just let myself be tired?  Ha - jeez.  Okay so thank God I'm home and I have homework to do for class and I also have some bills to figure out and what else?  I don't know!!  I'm so out of it - oh I know - it was a chance to write on here!!  Hooray.  How are you my sweetest blog?  What is new in your virtual life?  What do you do when I am not here?  Do you rest?  Surf the internet?  Watch porn?  Cyber stalk people?  Write on your own blog!?  Invest your money?  I'm trying to not beat myself up that I am tired.  Isn't that insane?  Not insane that I'm trying not to - insane that I want to beat myself up.  Or I don't know - maybe it's fine.  Everything is fine.  Whaaaaat?  I might need to take another nap.  Great!  Greaaaaat.  Good for me.  Oaky I love you Bluebie bye.