Being a martyr on Presidents Day.

Hi.  So I have a cold and it's also cold. I'm at my guys house and I didn't leave all day yesterday. I didn't even go outside once.  Now I'm here again and was angry about my friend who I always get angry about and while doing some work on it realized not only do I make myself a victim of her.  I am being a fucking MARTYR.  Okay. We'll fucking barf. My alanon sponsor also said its crazy making which makes memos upset to hear ( more crazy making he) but also it's not nice to her. No one benefits from having an imbalanced relationship where one person is angry and unhappy with the other one all the time.  Not only that but after all this time all this program work in 2 different fucking programs I do not trust that I can have a different type of friendship.  I don't have to have an unhealthy working relationship with anyone in any area of my life.  Fuck.  We'll anyway so that's where the responsibility on my part comes in.  That's not being responsible being a martyr.  Um wow mind blown. It's also being manulative.  I feel like it sounds like I'm beating myself up but I'm not.  Or at least that's not my intention.  I'm trying to be very real and honest with myself and for some reason I need to do it publicly on a secret blog. Ha.  Oh boy. I feel like I need to lie down now and all I've done all day is eat some food,  pray and meditate and write in my journal. Ugh. It's nice to be here. So quiet and peaceful.  Something keeps beeping and for the life of me I don't know what it is.  I need to take a long, hot shower.  Wow so I feel sick again. Some yoga and a shower will help.  Love  you Bluebie bye.