Organizing My Inner Life

Well as I sit here in my office with everything on the floor and my books everywhere - I am facing something and that's - my inner life.  I just went outside to exercise and realized while I was motoring around the streets that I am finally giving myself the chance to organize my inner life.  All these books and notebooks are my search for order.  I suppose that is what I have been trying to do all these years without realizing it.  It's very, very VERY uncomfortable and I think I have stopped this process by going "really fast" and getting "really busy" and just "not having the TIME" to sit and just - organize.  I guess maybe it's less painful for some people than others and I am just one of those people who does not want to go through the feelings even if I feel SO much better on the other side.  Anyway - I am doing it and I am also letting myself do it slowly.  God knows I have plenty of time!  What a strange and bizarre time we are living in right now!  It is so crazy to me the opportunities I have been given over the last 4 years through painful experiences.  My father died suddenly out of nowhere...I finally was able to devote the majority of my time to my creative pursuits....I changed side jobs...I got cancer and went through treatment and it was extremely painful and challenging and I handled it amazingly well.....I stayed sober and I - kept marching on.....then I changed side jobs again and then this!  This one is a big oneand this one is everyone and - sigh - well - I don't know....maybe the whole world needed to sit alone with themselves like I did.  Facing ourselves is the ultimate challenge really.  I have learned I am wonderful and kind and I have choices.  GOD - it doesn't seem like it sometimes because I have been so ruled by the chaos of my inner life....but as I go on and continue to look and organize and ACCEPT - I am less ruled by it.  Agh!  It's a lot!

Gotta go live this day!  Love you Bluebie!

My Office

Here I am in my office and it is all on the floor.  I took a bunch of stuff out of my bookshelf to clean it and realized I should actually store many of these things.  Photo albums, journals, notebooks and well - that's it.  I opened a couple of them and it was painful.  This is once again why people don't do this - it's so fucking uncomfortable and painful.  I was writing in journals the WHOLE time I was drinking and drugging and what a shitshow.  I was so sad!  But also I wrote a lot of gratitude lists.  Also a had a ton of ideas and I made a lot and I mean A LOT of collages.  Um - who knew.  Anyway.  It's okay - I can store them away and make room for wonderful new things.  I am just going to say it once more though - it's painful.  But I just wrote in my journal about it and as soon as I wrote that it was painful - I was able to feel like I could move on and continue cleaning this stuff out.  So once again I am reminded how truly therapeutic writing is!  Get it the fuck out onto the page!  That's it!  It's so strange that I have had such a hard time doing it during this quarantine.  However today that has shifted.  I woke up super early and got to it...took care of myself and refused to let myself do anything else until I sat down to write.  Yes.  That's it.  I also and oh my GOD - this deserves it's own paragraph....

I ate a sensible lunch even though I was STARVING.  I mean STARVING.  I have been working out more so I am extra hungry and I didn't eat that much yesterday so today by lunch time I was so fucking hungry.....but I just can't do it....I can't hurt myself by over-eating....feeling bloated....feeling upset...then doing it all over again.  But more than that - cancer.  I do not want to get cancer again.  If I have to eat lightly for the rest of my life - OH WELL.  It doesn't feel good to panic eat.  It has to be so much harder for my body to try and digest food that way.  It feels like I am not trusting that there will be another meal in a few hours.  I guess I am indeed, not trusting that.  AND - guess what?  I could even skip a meal (I'm not going to) and I would be okay.  So yeah - look at me - I am a miracle - I ate a sensible lunch.  HA.

I think the rest of the world forgot about the Virus but I did not so I am still being very cautious.  I am going to go ahead and continue to do that.  I have to say I think one of the biggest challenges I have noticed for myself besides the panic-based relationship I have with food is - my breathing.  I hold my breath.  I HOOOOOOOOLD it.  Then I clench my jaw.  It's like I am trying to clench life in my teeth.  I am going to guess that is also not good for my body.  I wonder if that has something to do with the ear ringing?  God - how many years am I going to have to listen to this ringing? I mean my eye twitched for literally 5 years.  Is it something in my body?  Is it trying to tell me something?  Is the ringing trying to tell me to hear something?  Maybe.  Hello?  Still ringing.  I just re-read those sentences and thought "Maybe it's trying to tell me I'm neurotic."  HAHA.  Gotta go LIVE THIS DAY!!!  Byeeeeee. 

Exhausted in the Time of Corona

Good lord - I am so so tired.  Sometimes the menopause just smacks me in the face and today is that day.  It's warm and I am VERY warm.  Also I want to eat an entire turkey, cow, chicken and 5 vats of cheese.  I chose not to do that because - well it's gross and I want to feel better so.....I drank celery juice (which is super refreshing) & had a nice bowl of cereal with fresh fruit, ground flax and almond milk.  And I am coming around to feeling better.  I didn't sleep well last night but I will either tonight or tomorrow night and I am going to take loving, wonderful care of myself all day and things will shift and I will feel better.  It's such a crazy time.....I am actually getting stir crazy which says a lot because I LOVE being home!  I miss the library and I miss doing shows.  Everyone does.  I miss writing...I wrote more when I was doing shows.  Anyway let's move on to the positive things...

I have been meditating an additional time each day and it has really been amazing.  I am able to see how stressed I get during the day even being home.  My heart is racing so quickly by the time I go to meditate the second time that it's almost excruciating to meditate - I just want to leap up and go do something!  But it also feels so disgustingly unhealthy to have my heart racing like that and I just force myself to sit there till I calm down.  But I almost have to PANT with my breathing.  God it's crazy.  That being said - I wrote that and realized it will get easier.  I suppose I will begin to notice during the day as I even START to get all racing inside myself and calm it down.  So that's one great thing in the time of corona!

I have learned to bake regular potatoes and sweet potatoes!  Wait let me rephrase that - I have learned to LOVE simply baking regular potatoes and sweet potatoes.  Good, old-fashioned skin on baking them.  They are so easy to bake and they make the house smell so delicious!  And it feels so comforting.  And best part!?  They taste amazing!  My guy and I have been like "Why the fuck don't we always do this?"  I'm saying this because I just literally baked some sweet potatoes just now.  It smells so sweet and good in here and it really made me feel better to scrub those sweet potatoes and bake them.  What am I trying to sell this to you?  I just said potatoes like 400 times.  Anyway that's a nice thing too - baking potatoes in the time of Corona.

Guess what?  I am way less tired.  Hmmm I'm also drinking coffee so I don't know - but I feel better.  Love you Bluebie!

Uncomfortable Monday.

Well hello.  I have had trouble writing on here or anywhere for that matter since this whole quarantine started.  Yesterday I realized something and that really just drop-kicked me into reality.  A reality I haven't wanted to face and I suppose I couldn't for a long, long time.  Maybe I never could have - I don't know.  Doesn't matter because I did.  I watched something that triggered me to such a disturbing degree that I was sickened by it, on Friday.  It took until yesterday for me to fully realize why it made me so disturbed.  And although the details are sensational & I suppose intriguing (on some level) they don't matter.  What matters is that because this information is fully coming into my consciousness I now have the knowledge I need in order to heal.  I am aware and I can choose what to do with that awareness and I choose to heal.  I am however still smarting form the whole thing and it feels pretty horrible.  But it's okay.  Because I have so many tools now I will be able to take care of myself (and I have been taking care of myself anyway) and move through this more quickly than I have moved through other things.  I can soothe myself in a healthy way.  In a loving, healthy way.  I have taken good care of myself over the years and I have been true to myself - and for today, just today - I will continue to do that.  AGH!  It sucks to be in pain - any kind of pain...but it's okay.  It's okay!  I am saying that even though I also am upset. 

I had to take a moment.  Now I can love, enjoy and take care of myself on a whole different level...because now I understand there is more to the picture.  There is more to take care of!  And that truly is okay.  Thank fucking God I am in alanon - a program that teaches me how to focus on myself (in a healthy way) and take care of me.  So.  So I can dust myself off and know that in a lot of ways I have done a great job.  Also I can just pick myself up and let myself enjoy me and my life and get my mother-fucking power back!  Kind power.  Kind, loving power that is of service.  Of service without hurting myself.  Without giving away more than I have to give and not from a place of guilt.  I feel like I am being hard on myself while I am writing this and that is not my aim either.  This is about freedom.  This is about being happy, joyous and free.  Yes.  So the good news - the GREAT news - is that today I wrote.  I got on here and even though I was so uncomfortable it was almost excruciating I let myself write.  Hopefully now these parts of my past that have still been "enflamed" can start to heal and I can operate differently in the world in a more manageable, effective way.  Really give myself permission to take care of myself.  Yeah.  Work on my calling - whatever that is.  I'm sure I am doing it on some level.....or I would be experiencing a whole different kind of dis-ease.  Sigh.  Isn't life so odd?  My mind just didn't let me fully accept some truths about myself until I was able to have enough support systems in place to accept them.  And deal with them.  And acknowledge them.  And let them go.  EW RIGHT? 

LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.