Well as I sit here in my office with everything on the floor and my books everywhere - I am facing something and that's - my inner life. I just went outside to exercise and realized while I was motoring around the streets that I am finally giving myself the chance to organize my inner life. All these books and notebooks are my search for order. I suppose that is what I have been trying to do all these years without realizing it. It's very, very VERY uncomfortable and I think I have stopped this process by going "really fast" and getting "really busy" and just "not having the TIME" to sit and just - organize. I guess maybe it's less painful for some people than others and I am just one of those people who does not want to go through the feelings even if I feel SO much better on the other side. Anyway - I am doing it and I am also letting myself do it slowly. God knows I have plenty of time! What a strange and bizarre time we are living in right now! It is so crazy to me the opportunities I have been given over the last 4 years through painful experiences. My father died suddenly out of nowhere...I finally was able to devote the majority of my time to my creative pursuits....I changed side jobs...I got cancer and went through treatment and it was extremely painful and challenging and I handled it amazingly well.....I stayed sober and I - kept marching on.....then I changed side jobs again and then this! This one is a big oneand this one is everyone and - sigh - well - I don't know....maybe the whole world needed to sit alone with themselves like I did. Facing ourselves is the ultimate challenge really. I have learned I am wonderful and kind and I have choices. GOD - it doesn't seem like it sometimes because I have been so ruled by the chaos of my inner life....but as I go on and continue to look and organize and ACCEPT - I am less ruled by it. Agh! It's a lot!
Gotta go live this day! Love you Bluebie!
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