Hi. Well the world has gone mad - in some ways for the better if you ask me. If you ask a lot of people! It's about time right? Well I have continued on my journey of organizing every single thing and have really shifted a lot of my life into a different direction. I have put pictures into frames and put them in the walls that I have had for YEARS. I mean I don't know what the fuck I was doing! Well I do - I was doing a lot of shit but still - in many ways this has been a real blessing staying home. We have nested like mother-fuckers and it's been great. We have cooked, cleaned and lived on such a small amount of money and I am really loving it. It's amazing how creative we can get when we are forced into it. And I just needed more time to adjust my schedule to adding another meditation time to my day and cooking. So much cooking! ANYWAY.
I had my mammogram last week and it was okay. For some reason it was super upsetting and I just couldn't figure out why. I mean chemo SUCKED SUCH A HUGE DICK that I was like why is this upsetting me so much!? It hurt! It hurt bad but it wasn't that. It was the fact that every time - every single time I go get one of these tests they are looking to see "IS SHE ALMOST DYING AGAIN!???" And it's so fucking intense and stressful. Jesus!! Well then because the mammogram was okay I asked if I could not go for the MRI and they said no - you need to go. So that was yesterday and I had 5 days in between of waiting. The MRI is where they realized I had more going on (possibly) than the one little tumor they initially saw 3 years ago so I was very scared to go. You know like "Maybe the mammogram was okay but maybe the MRI will pick up something else!?" Mind you I have been exercising, drinking water, drinking teas, meditating, cooking fresh healthy food, resting, being kind to myself blaah blah - all the things! All the mother-fucking things! So I thought I am probably okay but I really was not wanting to go. Then I get there and it was weird with all the masks and everyone was upset and the receptionist was being a complete fucking cunt so I started to cry.....silently in a chair....stoically clutching my purse to my chest like a DRAMA QUEEN. But I really felt so vulnerable and terrified. Of COVID and of the MRI. I also don't like the giant needle they put in my arm for the gadolinium and I don't even like that stuff. It's a contrast dye they use to find tumors I think? But I can taste it when they put in it me and it's fucking gross. OYE. I find the test itself to be uncomfortable but I suppose on some days it's worse than others and yesterday I was (shockingly) feeling very sensitive. What is my point? OH - that it was another test to "SEE IF YOU MIGHT BE DYING A LITTLE BIT" and it's upsetting. Plus I had to relive the whole experience filling out the forms OMG - SORRY.
Long story short I am fine. All good. I AM OKAY. So you know what that means??
The good news is all that healthy food and exercising is working. The bad news is all that healthy food and exercising is working. It's just like the program. If it works than it's a miracle and you can have a new life and a new freedom. Bad news is we have TO KEPP WORKING THE PROGRAM FOR THAT TO KEEP HAPPENING.
So like a true alcoholic I am feeling slightly upset that in order to stay sober & cancer free I need to continue on this path of love, light, exercise and healthy eating. Fuck me.
LOVE YOU BLUEBIE.
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