Yesterday.

Yesterday was a very rough day.  I felt horrible and I was super triggered by something my guy said the night before and I just could not get out from under it.  I did all the things though...almost.  Meaning to take care of myself.  Ate healthy, drank lots of water, exercised, got outside for a walk, meditated twice, talked to my therapist, talked to another alcoholic and even spoke to my guy (kindly!) about what I was upset about.  But still - I felt horrible.  Recurring thoughts of the past that I can't change - just inside my head cutting myself with negativity.  Basically I was being attacked by alcoholism.  My head was telling me I suck and that I am chasing some insane dream and if
I was just thinner and I don't know - BLIEVED in myself more - I would be successful.  Isn't that so mean?  Anyway, finally my guy said I was being attacked by alcoholism and here are the 2 things I realized..

1. I didn't call my sponsor.  That's the one thing I didn't do and I believe she could have helped me to see much sooner that it was alcoholism just trying to get to me.  Not even trying - it WAS.

2.  I am addicted to negative thinking.  And the feelings that come with it.  Plain and simple.  It's so obvious to me today but for years I had no idea that was happening.  I get it now.  Which only means I am aware of it and now I have to trudge that road of healing it.  Asking God to help me with it?  Asking a lot of people to help me with it.  Okay.  FUN.

So anyway besides that today was a new day and I woke up feeling much better.  I was so, so, so so grateful that I didn't do anything to hurt myself yesterday and here's an amazing thing - really, honestly and truly and beautiful thing to come out of recovery - ready?

Even though I was so hurt by my guy - I didn't "do something at him."  Meaning eat a muffin or a pizza or whatever "at him."  I just do not want to participate in that kind of relationship and it literally only hurts me.  Jesus - do normal people have to do all this work?  Or even have to make a choice like that?  Well anyway I made healthy choices for myself even though I didn't feel good and I am grateful.  Holy fuck it's hot in my office I have to go.

Love you Bluebie!!