Wednesday, October 28, 2015

I had a dream last night that I was writing on here - I wrote this long boring thing about my day - very journaly - and then in the dream I thought how boring I was and wondered why I was doing it.  Ha then I woke up and it occurred to me http I was just having a memory in my dream world! Anyway. So I'm moving and everything is so turned upside down but I'm excited. I put the apartment on the market and wow - so crazy. I hope it rents fast - we'll see! I decided that the job is an opportunity to take care of myself, have and keep my boundaries and to learn to work with other people again.  So that feels a lot better.  I don't know this is so weird - that this guy loves me - we love each other and want to have life together is very terrifying and I keep waiting for him to tie me up and kill me and while he's doing it be like "awwww waaaah I'm so sad I believe you loved me" OR that I will just completely self-destruct and run away OR that this is crazy and I should stay alone and single forever in my,little dirty apartment - safe from all feelings and growth.  Well that is an option still I guess.  My other challenge is to just let myself do a little at a time.  Okay love you bye.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

Hmmm - okay.

So I spent all day organizing my bills, paying my bills and talking to program people about Grabby McGrabberson at my new job.  Basically I need to tell her to please not grab me.  That's all, plain and simple.  Say it with kindness - keep it about myself and how I find it difficult to be grabbed, slapped, hugged, shoved - scratched, talked to in my face etc.  I wont even say the part how I believe for 90% of the population this is probably also true - I will just say for me - it's too jarring.  So can I do this without making myself into a pussy to make her feel bad?  Im not sure if I will be able to not be self-deprecating.  Well you know what?  I can certainly try.  I went to class and it was great, got myself some groceries and came home.  Class was wonderful.  I have no idea what Im doing except this - it's all different now - that's it!  I have been trying so hard to work from my past somehow and it's done.  It's not working - the art isn't coming through me and it's just time to go in a completely different direction.  So that feels good.  Back to the drawing board.  I applied to a festival and I didn't get in and honestly (well Im not totally sure but no one is answering me and it starts in like 2 weeks) Im so happy.  I have no idea who I am onstage or what Im doing and I need to work on that now.  AND - and Im going to be moving December 1st.  Or at least that's the plan anyway.  YIKES.  Sigh - an end of an era.  Ive lived here for 17 years.  It's going to be great.  Scary but great.  I think a new job and moving is enough for me to focus on in November - so it's great about the festival but HELLO - did they even watch my tape because it was awesome.  Gotta sleep - love you Bluebie bye.

Frazzled and Crazy.

Maybe that should be the title of my book.  Ugh sigh.  Im having a hard time at this new job - it's hard to work with people and it's hard to work with self-centered people.  Im just getting triggered all the time - my flight or flight is kicking in 50 times a day.  Crazy Pants just cant keep her hands to herself.  So now I have talked about it with people and of course my one friend suggested - strongly - that I say something.  I mean I just cant take it - she grabs, slaps, pushes, aggressively high fives - HUGS - these crazy scary hugs - tells stories where she's coming at me - good fucking lord.  It's very VERY horrifying.  I also have to say - she does it to everyone.  And she never shuts the fuck up.  She doesn't stop talking.  This isn't going to work out at this job - that's it - and what I have to do now - is practice and stick up for myself.  I keep thinking about - what if I were a child?  What if I were my own mother?  I would not let that crazy bitch near me and/or I would strongly/kindly/FIRMLY tell her that she needs to respect the personal boundaries - I don't care if she NEEDS a hug.  She says all the time "I give GREAT hugs because I REALLY need a hug."  UM - listen you crazy fucking twat - if you weren't so fucking aggressive and TAKEY - maybe you would be getting more fucking hugs.  WOW.  And Im being so hard on myself.  But why?  It's got nothing to do with me - shes like this - I don't even know her.  I don't want to hurt her feelings and that is so crazy.  She is violating my boundaries over and over again.  Im going to have to write it out.  If it were corporate it would be easier.  Maybe.  I don't know.  Im sad and upset and taking myself very VERY seriously.  Im also just burnt out.  Im going to write it out and figure out a nice, strong way to say stop grabbing me.  Let her deal with the feelings of it.  What?  HELP.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Hello.

Turns out the girl who hired me also knows the girl who can never shut the fuck up is indeed crazy.  SO.  So I feel one million times better.  At least I'm not completely out of my mind.  I told my guy how - let's just call her Crazy Pants - how Crazy Pants always introduces me to everyone as "Our new part-times sales associate."  HA.  How funny is that?  When I first met her she was like "Hello I'm Crazy Pants the Assistant Manager here."  I remember thinking - wow - that's a super odd way to introduce yourself to someone.  HA again.  I mean holy fucking bizarre ego.  Anyway - it doesn't matter except I guess my own ego isn't liking it too much and you know what - it doesn't matter in the long run - it really doesn't.  Or it does.  What?  I don't know.  Once again - exhausted.  Soooo tired.  Im going to that festival this week - I cant even believe I'm doing this.  It's going to be great - 4 days of comedy.  I hope it's great.  Good lord - I need to go to bed.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday, October 9, 2015

3 eggs 2 pieces of exotic black rice bread.

That's what I just ate for dinner at 10:52 pm.  UGH.  Im not ughing eating that - it was delicious - I'm ughing the fact that Im exhausted and my schedule is crazy and Im eating dinner at 10:52 pm.  I worked today and thank GOD I didn't have to work with that woman who never shuts the fuck up.  It's exhausting listening to someone complain for 8 hours - WHY AM I WRITING THIS??  Ugh.  Im SO grateful for my life, for my guy - for life moving forward even though it feels so out of control and so unmanageable right now.  I just need to get a good night's sleep - that's all.  Start over again tomorrow.  I have therapy and I also got to go to a meeting right after work tonight so that was good.  Im figuring it out.  Im beginning to figure it out.  Okay love you Bluebie bye. 

Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Good lord.

Well we went to Nantucket for the weekend - in the middle of a hurricane - and it was crazy.  We couldn't get off the Island and had to stay and extra night and take one of those teeny tiny little planes at 6 in the morning yesterday.  It was totally fun and the wedding was unbelievably beautiful but today and yesterday for that matter I am a mess.  I miss my old job or at least all the time I had at it to do things.  I miss that SO much.  Im beginning to really believe this new one is not going to work out - it's too crazy and I have no time to get anything done and it's less money.  But also - Im a mess and I barely have time to go to meetings.  I stayed here all day.  I hurt my leg yesterday on the treadmill and I just could not go get on the subway and tromp around this city.  I could NOT do it.  So here I stayed - that's it.  Im exhausted and dry - I need  a meeting.  I just listened to an alanon meeting.  Who am I?  I have pms - I mean I really do so why am I even writing all this?  I just need to be nice to myself, let my leg heal tonight and do the best I can do tomorrow.  Im not looking forward to spending the day there and you know what?  If it's too much I can leave - that's it!  It's so simple and easy.  Im really going to just trust that everything will be okay even though I cant figure anything out right now.  I have food, clean clothes and I have enough time to get a good night's sleep.  Im scared and everything is turned upside down but it's okay.  I love my guy - we had so much fun over the weekend even if it was crazy.  He dances with me even though he dances somewhat like Elaine from Seinfeld.  I mean it's the cutest thing you have ever seen I swear.  How sweet is it that he's self-conscious of his dancing but he does it anyway because I love to dance so much and he wants to have fun with me?  And he's taking a chance and risking putting himself out there to get better?  Are you kidding me?  It's so sweet I can't even take it.  It just makes me love him so much.  Im still fucking terrified of this whole thing but - he's just so sweet and loving.  And fun!  Come on.  Okay well at least I got to be here tonight and write on here - that's awesome right?  Oh dear GOD - help me make it through this day of work.  Let it be okay.  If it's not then at least let me not react to it. Haha - okay - I will do a lot of going to the bathroom and breathing.  Amen.  Love you Bluebie bye.