Discomfort.

I'm so uncomfortable.  Physically and emotionally.  I didn't eat too badly at Christmas but I ate some sugar and some dairy.  The snake doctor has told me to stay away from these things and to basically break the sugar addiction.  Um so clearly I didn't do that over Christmas.  I could have brought stuff I guess but I didn't.  I had a brunch here at my house the day before and I made a casserole that no one liked really and a dessert that only like 2 of us liked.  That being said I will get better at cooking things and OH FUCKING WELL.  Jesus this is what is so hard about this - it feels like I am getting sober again and like I cant have all the stuff that other people have.  I can't drink, smoke eat dairy or sugar and soon - NO BACON IM SURE.  Deep breaths.  Fuck it's just discomfort and it will pass.  It is just super uncomfortable.  It's not excruciating it's just - uncomfortable.  I think you get the picture.  Anyway this morning I made a chocolate chia seed pudding and I think it's going to be delicious.  I love to cook so it's going to be fine and super healing.  And there is some reason some stored up shit for why I keep doing this.  I just need to let it through.  I will be better for it on the other side but right now I want pizza with a side of baked brie.  With ice cream!  I mean that's the problem - I ate all that shit at Christmas and now I'm detoxing.  Oh I see okay that is what is happening I'm detoxing.  Alright well I need to exercise.  Get my exercise on.  Do my little bit of yoga and then jog on the treadmill.  I'm up to 21 minutes now - that's pretty good. I guess today I will run a little bit faster too.  Here's a list of what I am going to try to do today.

1. Stay grateful - I live in this nice, quiet apartment and I get to just work on myself for hours and hours all the time.  Serious gratitude for that.
2. Exercise - it's one of the keys - major keys - my thinking shifts when I do and I feel so so much better walking around in my body throughout the day.
3. Drink water.  I get crazy when I'm dehydrated.
4. Eat healthy.
5.  Love big.  Love honestly.  Love through the discomfort.
6. Punch myself.
7. KEEP MY SENSE OF HUMOR.

Healthy.

I want to live.  It's hard to say that somehow because it's - what?  THE TRUTH?  Has to do with ME??  I have these 2 diseases.  Alcoholism - which makes me super self-centered and Alanonism (not correct term probs) which mkes me shove myself and my feelings aside, hyper focus on other people and not take care of myself.  Flip side of same disease coin.  So it's hard to say I want to live.  At this moment it feels selfish.  WHAT THE FUCK.  Good Christ.  It also feels self-centered.  OH BOY.  Well here we go - maybe it is.  Who gives a flying fuck.  I have something to offer and I have something to offer that is WONDERFUL.  I am once again reminded of what a magnificent creation I am.  We all are but I am the one in this particular being boat and so that's what I have to take care of.  And I want to.  This is the crazy part - ready?  I HAVE TO DO SO MUCH TO TAKE CARE OF THIS BEING BOAT.  I have my alcoholism, my alanonism and now my cancer.  So oh boy.  The crazy part is having all these things and having them to take care of is probably what is going to ultimately save me.  This is the thing though....okay.....every year I make goals at the beginning of the year.  This year I want to transcend my anger.  I don't want to ignore my feelings - I want to move past getting stuck in the anger.  It feels so unhealthy in my body and I want my body to be happy now.  I want my body to fell good so I can grow and LIVE.  Literally stay alive.  I honestly and truly feel I have been kept alive for a reason and I want to fulfill that reason.  I honor and respect my life.  How is it possible that I just happened to have health insurance during this time?  How is it that I happened to go to the doctor and she felt something, it was nothing but because I went and got the mammogram they found the cancer?  And then because they did the surgery the way they did it they found the OTHER cancer that was surely going to kill me and you couldn't even SEE on the mammogram or really on the MRI.I just have to trust.  Trust, do my work, move forward with love.  focus on myself.  It's so hard.  It feels lonely somehow.  I hear other voices in my head, negative ones that say these things aren't real.  That nothing matters.  Negativity is okay - it's who we all are.  I hear voices that say I don't have these diseases even - I don't need to do this work - I'm crazy.  Voices that say that I can never be more that I am, I am who I am - the program is in place - what is is.  Well gross.  BARF.  I WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND BE EXCITED TO LIVE.  I woke up too early this morning but I wanted to get up.  I was excited.  I wanted to pray & meditate & write so I would have time to exercise and get to an alanon meeting.  WHAT COULD BE MORE EXCITING LOL.  This is just it - this is what I have to do to keep my spirit and my mind healthy.  I do it happily.  I feel better when I go to meetings - I feel my body healing when I am in meetings.  I feel better in my body when I exercise.  What I would really like to be able to do this next year is take care of myself and do it without being angry at other people.  What am I trying to say?  I want to live and grow in love.  I don't have to be upset because other people don't want to do that!  ITS ALL ALANON.  how fucking annoying is that??  HA.  Sooooooo clearly I have plenty to do!  Breathe.  Breathe and stay on the path one day at a time.  Yes.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

Well........

I have realized something.  Yes I am always realizing something but this something - is important.  To me!!  So I wrote in my journal before I wrote on here this morning and I was writing about some people that I have felt upset about.  Good!  Also my part in these relationships that continue to not only cause me strife but do not nourish me.  There I said it.  The crazy part was that as I was writing in my journal, being as honest as I could about my feelings and what I thought was going on with these relationships and again what my part in them is - I STARTED TO LIE A LITTLE BIT.  Why you ask?  Or maybe you didn't ask - maybe you just stopped reading because you were like "Oh my fucking God I can't stand this bullshit I need to eat a bagel.  Or a muffin or pizza and a calzone."  Maybe you didn't say any of those things and that's just what I would say and I want to just eat those things myself right now - ANYWAY.  I started to lie a little bit because I didn't want to hurt these people's feelings.  In my journal.  That they will never read.  That probably no one will ever read.  Good fucking God does it get more alanonic than that?  Probably.  Should I say codependent?  I never really have registered fear so readily.  Or at least that's what I am saying right at this moment.  But today I say it.  In my writing.  Just afraid to say my own truth.  So here's the truth.  I just have continued in my sobriety to try to get something from relationships that don't nourish me.  They are like pretend relationships.  Some of them I have moved past because I felt SO toxic with these people.  But other ones, not so much.  And it's okay.  It's really okay.  It's just once again about me being responsible for myself and not for trying to tell other people how to live.  Also it's my responsibility to say to myself "This relationship is like McDonalds.  Or like a muffin.  Or cheese fires (Yuuuuuum).  THEY DONT NOURISH ME - even if for brief moments that occasionally give me a warm feeling.  GOD - I still don't feel like I am being completely honest but it's okay.  I have so much to do today to get ready for the holidays and this weekend in general.  I had therapy this week and I realized how blocked I am about receiving abundance.  Side note I would never tell this to normal people.  Maybe I would.  Maybe I wouldn't.  I probably wouldn't.  ANYWAY.  I am blocked!  It's also abundance from people although it is so so soooooo much better.  Fine.  good.  Great.  You know what she said?  "Well we can't fix something until we are aware of it - so it's wonderful that you are aware of it."  Greeeeaaaaaaat.  Haha.  So fucking annoying.  Now I'm at the beginning.  Ha!  But how fucking great is that?  Some people never realize anything and I am REALIZING STUFF ALL THE TIME.  Good Christ this is all so much work right?  Well it's all work as far as I can tell - it's just which way do I want to do the work.  Up or down.  UP OR DOWN?  In or out??  FAT OR IN SHAPE?  Which pain man??  WHICH FUCKING PAIN??  I think maybe it's actually discomfort or pain.  Okay I am going with the uncomfortable choice.  I can not handle the pain anymore.  Plus I don't have any wiggle room - I had CANCER.  I was going to DIE.  If this was 100 years ago or honestly even 20 - I would be dying full on right now if not dead already.  So I choose discomfort.  Now I have to exercise.  It's 10:47 am and I am SO TIRED hahaha.  Okay let's do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I don't Want My Life To be Wasted - THE MUSICAL!

Here are the lyrics to the opening number - a cancer patient runs out onstage to the streets of New York City and she's pulling her IV bag and IV bag hanging thingy and it's all plugged into her arm where she's getting chemo presently - she's just watched The Jane Fonda biography and she's VERY inspired!!

She belts out -

Jane!!!
Jaaaaaaaannneeee!!!
Jane didn't want her life to be wasted and NEITHER dooooo IiiiiiiIIIiiiiiiiiii -

(music starts playing more softly)
I might have gotten cancer but it was just a wake-up call
OR maybe it's not at all and I'm gonna fall
Or maybe I'm meant to live and live well and be sure to TEEEELLLLLLL
My story
My story (music starts building again)
My story of how I finally broke free from my cancer and mostly
Frooooommmm MEeeeeEEEEEEEEEE.

(MUSIC BUILDS BIG TIME & SHE BELTS)

I DONT WANT MY LIFE TO BE WASTED!!!!
I CANT STAND WASTING FOOD!
IF I CANT STAND WASTING FOOD THAN HOW CAN I THINK OF CONSCIOUSLY WASTING MY LIIIIIIIIFEEEEEE????
IM HERE FOR A REASON
NOT JUST FOR THIS SEASON
AND EVEN IF IM NOT IM GONNA MAKE TODAY COUNT AND I AM.NOT.GONNA.
WAAAAAAST. MY . TIIIIIIIIIIME.

(Music Stops)
She slams the IV holder up and down & says
I'm not gonna waste my life.

Then she runs off dragging the IV thing.


Next scene is of her funeral.   


HA NOOOOOOOoooooooOOOOOOooooo.

________________________________________________________________


I'm just fucking changing man.  I'm here for a reason and I just plain and simple do not want to waste my life.  This year was FUCKING NUTS.  Today was my second to last treatment.  I cried like 5 times.  I'm grateful to be alive.  I want to make some kind of difference.  I don't even have the opportunities that Jane Fonda did but I can still make a difference and I think I'm meant to.  That's it!  I am so fucking tired - gotta eat my soup.  It's kale, sweet potato, regular potato, herbs, onions and garlic in beef bone broth.  ITS SO GOOD and healing feeling.  I like that - the healing feeling.  Maybe I don't like that.  HA.  Byeeeeeeee.

A Dream

I dreamed that there was this really fat guy - at least 400 pounds but on the shorter side so his fat was really sagging around him - right?  Well in the dream he kept tucking his fat back around himself - shoving it to the back of him so that it was making him look smaller in the front.  He was saying to me (and he was kind of squatting down and his back was pressed against the wall to help keep the shoved fat in place) "So when I do this trick I just pick up the fat and I shooooove it back.....once there's a good amount of it back there....I pick up some more and shoooove that back there...I work my way around this front fat and just keep shoving it to the back - see??"  Then he sort of turned around and showed me how all his fat was shoved and held back there by the wall and something else I didn't understand and how his front looked like he lost about 75-100 pounds.  WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DREAM ABOUT???  Do I have an eating disorder now?  Always??  UGH.  Last weekend I dreamed my friend was showing me how she fed her cat and it was by putting him in a giant bowl of fruit loops and letting him swim around and eat in there.  I don't know.  all I know is today is day 6 of no dairy, sugar (except bacon and rotisserie chicken - HA) or gluten.  Well bread even of any kind.  I have to go into the city for a show and I am nervous because that's when I always seem to lose it.  After shows.  I just get so uncomfortable and then I want something.  I have to say I'm pretty fucking uncomfortable right now already and I'm still home!  I just need to do what I do here - plan and bring stuff with me.  I can do that.  Plus I am just going in, doing the show and leaving.  It won't be too long of night.  I have to say I feel better after writing in my journal and writing on here.  I didn't go to my meeting this morning and stayed home to meditate and write.  I'm glad I did that.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

A List.

Here's  list of what is happening with me right now:

1. My hair is growing back
2. My pubes stopped being white and don't even have grays anymore - WEIRD
3. My eyelashes have grown back almost 3/4 of the way.
4. I got up early this morning so I have time to write this list.
5. I don't know
6. Reading Jessi Klein's book You'll Grow Out of It and it's very inspiring to the writer in me
7. Snake Doctor says no more sugar - today is day 5 no sugar
8. #7 is a lie because I have had some sugar in my bacon (comes in almost all bacon) and in the rotisserie chicken I got (also most rotisserie chicken has some sugar)
9.  BUT I haven't had candy, chocolate, muffins BREAD, cheese on and on
10. #9 is a lie because I have had Lily's chocolate bars or one bar but it doesn't have added sugar just stevia. 
11.  Snake doctor also says NO DAIRY.  Only he says it very calmly and WITHOUT SHAME. 
12.  I made an amazing mushroom, potato soup with lots of garlic - I pureed it and although it looks 100% disgusting it's delicious and extremely comforting to eat.  I ate some yesterday before I went to the kids - 2 bowls!
13.  I went to an outgoing with my guy and another woman last night (it's where you go speak at another AA meeting and "carry the message" basically).  I FARTED THE WHOLE TIME FROM THAT FUCKING SOUP.
14.  I will eat more of that soup today I don't give A FUCK.  It's good and I'm not wasting it.  The whole time I was farting I was like "Oh well I'm farting WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?"
15. I have been putting a castor oil pack on my breast and it's helping.
16.  My boobs look crazy but I don't care.  I love my body and its scars.  I am grateful and I am going to do the best I can to heal myself and allow myself to be healed and trust my body.
17. NOT EATING SUGAR THIS TIME OF YEAR OR DAIRY IS SO FUCKING HARD.
18. I have to go.
19.  I have to go because I need to exercise and I don't want to.
20. I still have to go.

Love you Bluebie byeeeeeeee.

I THINK MY BRAIN IS HEALING

I know this is going to sound crazy and maybe I am just imaging it but - MAYBE NOT.  So I had that breakthrough right?  And I read that book about the power of the subconscious mind and the pamphlet about going on a brain diet - okay - WELL.  Last night I was driving home - it doesn't matter - I had a thought and it was negative and it was a bout a friend whom (who?) I have a strained relationship with.  Or at least that's what I was thinking about.  Then suddenly I has this INCREDIBLY healthy thought about our relationship and I could feel something in my brain literally shift.  God I don't even know if I can explain it.  It's like I could feel my thoughts move to a healthier part of my brain or at least move away from that old, conditioned grooved place of negative, victim thinking.  So I told my guy and I started to research this one supplement the snake doctor gave me (he said that many people who get cancer are low on this antioxidant?  Omg I don't even know what the fuck it is but it tastes like pineapples) and it's the only thing I have been taking that I have never taken before or could be doing much of anything.  I mean I have obviously no fucking clue scientifically what I am talking about but the way my brain feels is that it's healing.  It's changing!  My thoughts are different and from - more of a place of power.  It feels like I am thinking more the way I used to think 20 years ago.  Of course I woke up this morning and was thinking negatively and blah blah but I did my thing, prayed & meditated and I felt much better by the time I was done meditating.  I researched the - okay I just looked it up - it's an antioxidant and it's called glutathione - I researched a little more the glutathione and yes it can help with brain health.  It's a super antioxidant.  Look it may also be that I am in therapy, go to alanon, go to AA and now that I am operating more from my subconscious - no no that's not it.  GOD THIS IS SO HARD TO PUT INTO WORDS.  Now that I am putting stuff more in my subconscious and letting my subconscious work it out - I am much less obsessed and thinking about things.  Who the fuck knows.  I just realized me writing this doesn't make it sound like I am thinking LESS ABOUT ANYTHING - haha.  I'm sure it's recovery all around.  We recover what we lost.  I lost my mind and my power and perhaps now I am finally getting them back a little bit.  Okay well anyway I am so tired.  I just have a phone session with the snake doctor and then the kids and my meeting and service tonight.  Then I can go to bed early!  Alrighty well there you go.  Feeling my brain thinking - that's what's going on over here!  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Recovery.

I pray & meditate every morning.  I also read from a little pile of books.  Some of them are "conference approved literature" of the 2 programs I focus on (Alanon & AA) and a couple are from Melody Beattie who I LOVE.  Just a side note - wow would I NEVER EVER want to write about this in regular life which is so crazy because it is a huge part of my life but alas no one really wants to hear about it and I also very much enjoy keeping it private.  SO.  So I read from 2 of her books - they are daily readers and in one of them last week she talked about recovery and it means "we recover something we lost."  MIND BLOWN.  I'm sure that's the most obvious thing in the world but I had no fucking clue somehow - or I heard it and I forgot or whatever - anyway it just truly landed with me.  I think it helped that I had that breakthrough in therapy because what it feels like is happening is I am recovering MY THINKING.  I don't know - again another slogan in AA is that "We Came for our Drinking and Stayed for Our Thinking."  I'm sure I have written that before but anyway so my thinking was so so negative (look for many many examples in past posts on this blog) and when I got cancer it was just so clear to me how much my thinking hurts me.  Okay so.  God it is so fucking difficult to stay on track with what I am trying to say.  I will just say it like this......today I am worried about a show next week.  Okay?  I am worried about getting the audience there so that it will be a great show.  I am not having much luck so far.  My co-producer hasn't brought very many people to the show so far (1 person each show) which is fine because she is wonderful and she hosts and I love her and I was able to work my own magic (side note this is why I am thinking very much about not producing anymore it's like doing bringer shows on a whole different more stressful level - kind of).  So I wanted to ask my coproducer if she is going to have any guests - I felt pushy and obnoxious and then was plotting how I could do this and blah blah - it all felt negative and manipulative and then - and then I just thought to myself "You can just ask her and be honest about what you are asking.  THAT'S IT.  Easy peasy."  So that's what I did.  She was super nice about it and I don't know if it will change a thing but glory to God on high it was at least 85% more pleasant than many many of the exchanges I have had with people where I am being passive aggressive and I don't know.  I think you know what I am trying to say.  But more than that my thinking was much calmer.  Holy fuck I am so tired from writing this.  I also have the heat JACKED UP and I'm hot.  Okay so yeah there you go.  Recovery of my BRAIN.  Is that a fucking MIRACLE OR WHAT??  I have say in a huge part it's because of the cancer.  I had to stop thinking about the same obsessive thoughts and focus on getting through the treatment and the biopsies and all the crazy shit that came along with the cancer.  I think it gave my brain a rest and time for some new grooves to be grooved.  Also I am inching towards 10 years and my guy always says at double digit sobriety things really change.  Whatever one day at a tie I'm not even thinking that far ahead.  What I am trying to say is that along with that breakthrough I can feel my thinking healing and good fucking GOD if there is something that I want more than anything it's to have healthy thinking again.  To be in my own fucking brain again - to want to know who I am and express ME.  Jesus.  Clearly I am all about the slogans today so here is one more....I want to be Happy, Joyous and Free.  That is really what we recover.  And if we never had it then we get it but in a lot of ways in my life before - the long before I got really sick in a lot of ways - I was Happy, Joyous and Free.  A huge part of me loved my mind and my expression and I felt I had something to contribute.  SO.  GREAT.  Gotta go do my thing and I will write more another time when I have changed my mind about all of this and I'm miserable - haha nooooo.  I wanted to write this don so I can remember.  And I wanted to share it with you.  Life can get better.  Love you bluebie byeeee.  PS  It's all about the thinking.

Breakthrough

I had a huge breakthrough in therapy yesterday.  It was amazing.  I went to the bathroom afterwards and had the most amazing sense of freedom - it was completely amazing.  I just felt  - free.  Like a crazy giant weed had been pulled out of my mind and I was somehow brought back into myself.  Fucking mind blowing.  Okay so anyway today is of course a new day and although I still feel a huge amount of relief from the breakthrough I am at a little bit of a loss for what to do with myself.  That being said I am also TIRED.  Holy shit.  I slept a lot last night and honestly well - of course I'm tired and whatever.  I HAVE DONE A FUCK TON for someone in cancer treatment for 13 fucking months.  Wow am I angry?  No - just - okay maybe a little.  Who am I yelling at anyway??  It's not like there is one person who has said to me "Maybe you could make an EFFORT at life right now??"  No not one person.  So okay fine.  I think I'm going to finish writing this and then read my book that needs to go back to the library.  It needed to go back a long time ago but it's taken me forever to read it.  The Power of Your Subconscious Mind - that book that I keep talking about.  I got a new car today.  I cried the whole way to the car dealership.  I was so sad to leave my car.  But also it was just all the sense memories of what I have been through with that car.  I mean I got in that car right after the doctor said that she felt something in my breast.  Even though it wasn't where the cancer was - it wasn't even the right breast - it still shook me and I knew somehow that something was wrong.  I got in that car and I cried.  I felt so safe in that car - it was so good to me.  I hope someone absolutely wonderful gets it.  I also LOVE MY NEW CAR!!  It's totally awesome.  So that worked out.  My poor guy was like what the fuck is happening??  HA.  I stopped crying before we got to the dealership so it was fine.  I'm so grateful I can be myself around him.  So so grateful.  Okay so I am going to relax and read now.  I really lose all focus when it gets dark early like this - I just want to go to bed!!  Love you Bluebie bye!

So ti-ti

I just ate and now I am sooooooo sleepy - I might have to take a nap.  I just went to an alanon meeting.  I woke up, prayed & meditated, did a little bit of yoga and got on the treadmill for 25 mins.  I jogged for 19 and walked for 6.  I am doing a little bit more each time.  It's crazy that even though it's not a super intense workout my body feels so much better and my boob looks better.  I did start doing the physical therapy on myself differently and maybe that is helping too but my God my body is happy when I exercise.  I feel better just walking around!  So I am going to keep going and add a little bit each time.  I am so fucking tired though.  I went to a party the night before last night and then I had to wake up early to get to a callback (which I tanked so awkward) and by the time I finished chemo yesterday I was a total mess.  ONE PARTY!  All I did was eat a little cheese and have half a sandwich - was like I got wasted the night before.  GOD.  Anyway I went to sleep last night but at the moment I am tired and I still need to go see those kids.  I was so sad today.  It's so hard to see my mother drink so much.  She's so sweet but it's painful, very painful to see.  It just feels like she's slipping away.  She just watches old movies and get loaded in front of the TV.  Red wine only!  I think she has that thing all red wine drinkers think - that if it's just red wine - ITS HEALTHY.  Not if you have 7-12 glasses.  I don't know maybe she only has 5 but it's too much.  She started drinking on her birthday at 11:00 am.  She sneaks it!  Anyway so I went to alanon and I felt better.  It's also hard to go to chemo.  I am so over it.  I try to make the most of it and make the nurses laugh but I really - WOW - I have been in chemo since LAST OCTOBER.  I'm over it!  I am grateful - YES - but also I am over it.  I can have both of those feelings.  Do you know what's so crazy?  Even though I know they didn't like me at the audition and even though I know they aren't going to call me - I AM STILL WAITING FOR THEM TO CALL.  It's so totally insane.  What is that about??  I have a new found faith in myself though and I know my job is coming.  I just have to let go - and nap.  Let go and Let Nap.  Byeeeee.

The Power of YOUR Subconscious Mind

Ha!  That's the name of the book.  OH WELL - the point is still the same - the book is great, I love it and I'm learning from it.  It's of course the same thing - we are what we think.  But somehow this one is speaking to me even more.  I guess because I have worked often from the subconscious mind.  When I go into a store I use my intuition, my under place - my other thought place to help me find what I want.  It's like a dolphin type thing - I sort of throw it out there and let myself be guided to it.  When it's working - other times I ASK where the fuck it is like normal people.  anyway I can feel the hugeness of my subconscious and I am tapping into it more.  So there you go.  He also talks about how feeling jealous and negative towards other people - how awful that is for us - because whatever we think - the subconscious creates.  It doesn't know good or bad - just directions.  I feel like I am not saying this correctly but even if I'm not - it feels AWFUL to be jealous and think bad things about other people.  I am just OVER IT.  Honestly it is so so sooooo much better than it used to be but social media - YIKES - that can really do it to me.  So of course the answer is - don't go on social media. Hahahaha - my arm hurts when I go like this - then DON'T GO LIKE THIS.  I am so tired.  I have been fighting a cold although I feel better.  I have been jogging and doing a little bit of yoga each time before I jog so that's good.  I feel better in my body.  I also have been doing my physical therapy exercises on my boob and that also seems like it is getting better from the lymphedema.  I have been going to auditions and yesterday I went on one and it was good but I didn't get the joke until I was done.  I looked a little rough though - it's hard to make the wig look good sometimes and now my hair is like a little puff ball on my head so it pokes out from under the wig.  I have a wig cap but it is SO TIGHT it gives me a headache in like 20 minutes.  Oh you know I just realized I could probably get some nylons and make my own that's less tight.  I was so upset that I didn't get this TV show that I was "pinned" for which is like hold did I already say this ANYWAY - didn't get it and then I didn't do great yesterday BUT - seriously - I am still in treatment and I really have to be careful with myself so there is some reason things are slow for me right now and I am just trying to take the best care of myself I can and slowly move forward.  I have chemo on Tuesday and an echo on Monday.  The chemo I'm on now can cause heart damage so they keep checking your heart while you are on it to make sure they can keep giving it to you.  Sigh - that sounds so crazy to write.  I have a show tonight and then tomorrow is Thanksgiving which will be so nice.  Wow - I am SLEEPY.  I'm going to meditate again and drink some coffee.  MY guy always makes fun of me that I drink coffee and meditate - I guess it does seem weird.  LISTEN TO YUR SUBCONSCIOUS - it will guide you where you need to go.  Looooove Bluebie bye.

The Power of The Subconscious Mind

That's the boo I'm reading right now - the snake doctor told me to read it and it's BLOWING MY MIND.  I probably already wrote I was reading it but I can't remember anything - my chemo brain is FOR REAL.  OMG.  But - it will get better.  Everything is going to get better.  Something has shifted and I feel better.  I have gotten to more meeting and something has shifted.  I have decided to not produce shows anymore - except for the one that is already planned and then I can continue to take care of myself, heal focus on sobriety, acting and I have no idea what else.  I have an idea for a script - it would be really fun to write it.  Yeah.  So - there has been a shift.  I had a good week with acting and also something is shifting for me with money.  I can feel love and lightness coming to me.  Lots of people - bright colors.  I am not exactly sure what is happening but it's creative bright and fun.  Abundant.  Manageable.  Loving.  Kind.  Fun.  CUTE OUTFITS.  Hello VERY IMPORTANT.  I am so tired but it's okay.  I am going to exercise right now.  I have to get to it because the guy needs to come home and use the treadmill also.  Holy shit it snowed last night - like SUPER FAST AND A TON of snow and there were cars just turned and parked ALL OVER THE PLACE.  Just stuck - I mean like a ton of cars.  It looked like the fucking apocalypse - we all had to snake around them slowly.  It took me 2 hours to drive 12 miles?  Maybe even less - 10?  AND I HAD NO GAS - I was freaking out.  I got to me house just as it said empty.  I hope I make it to the gas station today.  Oh - I should go and do that actually.  Yeah so.  Thank God I have a Subaru - they are good in the snow.  How crazy is it that I was such a fucking disaster last week and over the weekend and now I feel hopeful?  It's not bullshit either I do feel lighter and more positive.  Pain really is the touchstone of growth and for me I have to be in such wild, awful pain before I will change something.  Time to exercise.  I LOVE YOU.  Byeeee.

Monday

Well it's Monday and it's sunny.  I got up fairly early and I am doing what I want to do to take care of myself even though it is so so hard because my instinct is to do something I don't want to do and hurt myself.  Jus by giving more than I have to give.  And there we are - there's a huge part of what my imbalance is.  I give whether or not someone has asked me to (although that part is much better now I just give too much because someone has asked) and then I am depleted.  It's literally hurts me to do this.  I can feel it in my breast where the cancer was.  Holy fuck.  It's so crazy to me.  I think it must be how people feel who are cutters - when they try to stop.  It's so confusing and I never realized how much I hurt myself by doing this.  It has just become so clear to me these last few weeks and months how I don't nourish myself.  I don't give myself proper nutrition and I don't give myself proper I don't know what.  I don't know what it's called that we give and receive from other people - love?  IS IT LOVE?  What the fuck??  IT'S SO WEIRD HOW I AM FEELIG RIGHT NOW.  And I have no idea what to do.  I suddenly feel like I have choices and it's utterly beyond me what to choose.  Or is it?  It isn't.  I just need to go slow and be brave.  MY cousin asked me to help her with something and it's causing me so much pain.  I was going to try to save it and push to get people to it but I have things I need to do to take care of myself today.  Things I want to do.  I don't know what I'm saying.  I'm saying I don't want to hurt myself anymore that's what I'm saying.  If I don't have it to give I don't have it to give.  I suppose I am becoming a much more authentic person and boy oh boy I bet there will be people who are not going to like this because a lot of "nos" are going to come out of my mouth.  Ugh.  I also just realized I will probably be at least 5000% less angry.  I think one of the reasons I get so angry is because I am depleted a lot.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.  You know I got sober because I was dying and I was super fucking bored with being an alcoholic.  I am now bored so bored of being a victim of other people and of being anxious and trying to fix things and make things happen.  I'm so over it.  Last night I was laying in bed, super itchy and unable to sleep - like I have been for weeks now.  I did all sorts of things to try to sleep and I feel asleep but again like every other night I just woke up two minutes later wide awake.  Well this time instead of being angry I just laid there and rested and thought to myself over and over again "Health and healing, Health and healing - Rested and healed, rested and healed."  It was for at least and hour and a half, two hours.  I finally fell asleep and even though I woke up early I still felt fairly rested.  I also had then same thought as my arms were on fire itching as I did other times when I have just gotten over the misery of whatever addiction is driving me nuts which was I AM SO FUCKING BORED OF THIS ITCHING AND ANGER - I AM OVER IT.  I laid there as calm as possible and refused to itch from a loving fucking place.  I said the healing mantra.  So anyway I have a long road ahead but I feel like I am on that road.  I have no idea about what to do about this fucking with my cousin so I am not going to do anything.  For once.  I am going to take care of myself today that's what I am going to do.  Exercise.  I ate a salad for breakfast.  Do my little bit of yoga.  Go get some delicious healthy groceries.  Return my library book.  Just fucking live.  Try not to take a nap so I can maybe sleep tonight.  BE KIND TO MYSELF.  WHOA.  Breathe.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday

Well that last post I wrote on Sunday and while I was still writing it the guy came in so I stopped and it was just on my computer unfinished until yesterday so I just posted it.  It's been a rough week.  Remember when I met that hooker and I wanted to quit comedy?  Well this week I hosted again at that same place and it happened again - I mean I wanted to quit comedy.  EVERYONE wants to quit comedy - it's an awful business!  I mea ugh I don't know.  Wait no - I do know I am just uncomfortable saying it.  It's an awful. hard, dark business and it takes advantage of artists and people in many, many ways.  So.  So I brought this comedian up the other night and I fucked up his name.  I also forgot to say his credit and wow - he was not happy and I tried to say sorry and he wasn't having it and then he told me how he has the skills to host and not forget anyone's names.  LOL - okay.  He wasn't having it and honestly fuck him right?  Who fucking cares it's free show at a bar go fuck yourself and I tried to say sorry.  But it was a hard night and they were smoking a ton of pot when I left and I thought to myself "Maybe if I get high with them they will like me."  Which of course has never helped anything ever and no they wouldn't like me more an more than that - GET OUT.  I need to GET OUT.  Gross.  Why do I want them to like me WHO CARES.  Anyway my big point is that I need to change things.  It's so unhealthy for me.  It makes me all speedy and crazy - it's nuts.  It's okay I feel in my heart and my body that I am going in the wrong direction and that's fine.  IT'S  FINE.  God I feel like I don't have a voice.  I feel so much like I don't have voice that I write on a secret blog and I struggle to do an art form that is almost impossible for me.  I can feel so much in me that I am trying to force myself into that comedy world again and I have been doing it for yeaaaaaars.  How long now?  5 years in earnest and for years before that also.  Wow.  Well okay that's it.  I fucking hate it and I'm over it.  That being said I have a show tonight can you come??  HA.  UGH.  I do have a show but im hosting and I am getting paid.  Gotta go the guy is home love you BLuebie bye

Trying not to hurt myself

We just went for the jog we go on every Sunday.  It's a beautiful sunny fall day - the leaves are so so beautiful  We got in a fight.  He feels taken advantage of.  Now I want to fucking hurt myself and I am trying with all the love I have in me for myself not to.  He is having a reaction I'm not sure to what.  He wants me to just get a job and do acting stuff around here - basically to give up.  Or change the vision I guess.  It's not so crazy - he's tired of paying for everything.  I said this year has been different though - I had cancer right?  He said it's all the other years.  I am trying to not take this into my body.  It feels so awful.  He went on jogging and I walked home by myself and it was fucking awful.  I am so fucking sick to my stomach.  Maybe it's the answer I don't know but it feels fucking so gross and sad.  Also he hugged me before he jogged off and said he wanted an easier life.  He wants to be able to go on vacation and whatever - go out to eat - do stuff normal people can afford to do - especially people without kids.  But guess what?  This is the part that I can't handle.....he doesn't feel healing to be around.  He's always pushing me and honestly I can't fucking handle it.  Please just go find someone else who will have sex with you exactly 3 times a week, jog with you, has money and enough of a career that you are doing exactly what you want and ALSO is very kind, healthy and understanding.  Please go find that person and while you are at it go fuck yourself.  Please - go completely fuck yourself.  I told him YESTERDAY when he said it that maybe it's the right plan but it doesn't feel right right now.  Then when he first said it today I said the same thing and he just wouldn't back the fuck off.  I feel TERRIBLE that he feels taken advantage of - that is a horrible horrible feeling.  I can understand him feeling that way - but I am not doing that.  I just can't.  Honestly it just feels like he is being a baby but what do I know?  The only thing I know is this feels awful in my body and I just want to get away from him.  This is why I never wanted to get married.  I don't have it in me.  I don't care get away from me.  I never promised him fucking anything.  AN EASIER LIFE???????  So just give up my dreams so you can go to the fucking carribean twice a year??  Go fuck yourself.  I just feel the whole thing in my boob and I feel like he's killing me.  What can I do?  Go to Ct and live I h

Slightly Less Than Completely Insane

I am on the couch and it's probably a miracle I haven't spent more days like this.  I didn't sleep last night and I was so upset this morning I couldn't leave the house.  I was scratching this horrible rash all night long and I just was SO upset about it.  Then I finally realized that maybe it's the fucking chemo they are still giving me.  I looked it up and there were a million posts of women talking about how the chemo made them not be able to sleep and also gave them a horrible rash.  So I did a little more research and went to the drug store and got some Claritin.  I took it and I feel a bit better.  The rash feels better - I'm also getting tired as we speak.  The stuffy nose isn't quite better but in general I feel less awful.  I mean emotionally - because at least I understand somewhat what the fuck is happening.  so yeah.  I didn't go to that audition again today but what can I do?  Some days we don't feel well and for me it was the last 2 days.  I meditated twice and I will get on the treadmill.  I might even take a nap right now.  I also went and got myself a bagel and when I tell you it was WORTH IT - I mean good CHRIST it was worth it.  The most delicious bagel I have ever eaten in my life.  I just can't figure out why they wouldn't have told me at the hospital that the chemo can cause a rash.  Also I haven't been sleeping and I did ask them about that.  I told my nurse about the rash.  I actually think I did tell the Oncologist.  Gosh I know I am making myself a victim of them and I am not.  I finally figured out what the fuck is going on and I am not drinking anymore caffeine in the afternoon and I think the Claritin is really going to help.  I could have some nice, hot, herbal tea at night and I bet that would help too.  It's okay.  Who knows maybe the chance of this happening is very slim but anyway it's happening and it just keeps getting worse.  God I want to stop the chemo so bad.  I just want to be done.  I'm gong to ask on Tuesday if I can be done.  I think maybe that Claritin just kicked in - my nose suddenly feels better.  I'm going to lay down and let myself rest.  Now my nose feels funny again.  Great.  I a less itchy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Batshit Crazy Until 8 Minutes Ago

I was taking black cohosh for my hot flashes and the hot flashes got better but I slowly started to get more and more hormonal until yesterday when I had a full on nervous breakdown for 2 days.  It didn't help any that I just feel so fucking terrified of the cancer coming back and that I don't have any real ways of taking care of it.  Which isn't true.  The medicine they gave me didn't work and this stuff I was just taking didn't work - but there are other things that could work.  The problem is that I also just didn't take care of myself this week in the right ways.  I did things I didn't want to do because I was people pleasing and it hurt me.  I was going to go audition (an open call) for this TV show today and I literally was so insane last night that I changed my mind and thank GOD I did because I was crying for 3 hours this morning.  I meditated twice and talked to my sponsor for an hour and I still didn't feel better until whatever - 12 minutes ago.  Fucking insane.  I also ate a salad and exercised and I have no idea what shifted but something finally did.  I guess if I want to I can go tomorrow but I just don't fucking care anymore.  I mean about show business and trying to figure out how to "make it."  I will never figure it out and I am so so SO fucking tired of hurting myself and not getting the "nutrition" I need from life.  I'm over it.  I am still in treatment for fuck's sake and I'm going to go stand in line for 6 hours??  By the time I get to them I am going to be so angry and exhausted - how charming could I possibly be?  Who cares.  I sent in a video.  I DONT CARE ANYMORE.  I want to live and love and breathe.  I also had sex and like 4 orgasms so maybe that's why I finally felt better.  Anyway - who the fuck knows - this is a lifetime practice for me.  I just am so ready to not take care of myself at any moment and I think I need to trust and risk that I will be taken care of if I take care of myself.  That's it.  So today I took care of myself.  I have a show here tonight and then hopefully I will sleep again tonight.  I hadn't slept in God knows how long but I finally did last night.  I just can't have any caffeine in the afternoon - none.  Anyway I think I was also dehydrated.  I'm drinking lots of water.  God life is confusing.  I'm going to work on my show for tonight.  Make myself a healthy dinner.  Keep drinking water and meditate again if I need to.  Yeah I don't know.  I don't want my life to be in vain but I also can't kill myself anymore trying to make stuff happen.  I'm meant to be happy.  We all are.  I am sober also to be happy, joyous and free.  Okay I will let you know what I decide about tomorrow and try to do it from a place of love and power.  Yeah I will meditate and think about it.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Friday.

I'm so sleepy.  We have been watching Ozark and I have not SLEPT since we started watching that fucking show AND I couldn't STOP watching it.  So fucking alcoholic.  Just scratching that itch that's bleeding.  Anyway now we are done and until the next season comes out hopefully I can seep again.  But I have been getting so tired during the day.  Whatever.  Anyway I have a busy weekend ahead so that's good.  I have show everyday/night and my meetings etc.  On Sundays the guy and I jog together outside.  I feel much much better from the biopsy and I am continuing to read the book and work on healthy thinking.  The oncologist wants me to take another oral chemo and I said okay that I would try it - but I am not going to try it.  I finally also feel better from the last one and I just can't do it.  I know it's maybe crazy?  But is it?  If the side effect is osteoporosis - how helpful is it?  I don't know.  I just believe there's another way.  I am grateful - I think they saved my life, stopped the cancer and now it's up to me to get mentally, physically and spiritually strong - they gave me the space to realize and begin this.  I will finish the other chemo (even though I have a huge rash all over my body) but as far as other unhealthy things - I just have to stop now.  I'm just such a fucking people pleaser I didn't know how to say no so I just said I would try it.  She actually paused and said okay because I think she expected me to argue.  I don't want to argue.  If being passive aggressive is the only way I can do it right now then fine.  I am going to let that be fine!  Okay so - that's where I am.  It's so crazy right?  Cancer.  Fuck - so fucking scary and crazy.  This time last year I knew I had to do chemo and I couldn't fucking believe it.  I was so scared.  I'd had surgery.  Now I am in a much better place in a lot of ways.  I am thinking in a healthier way and I feel 85% less like a victim.  I feel like I have choices in how I think and tools to help me think better.  I have a new sponsor and tons of people were so kind, loving and helpful to me.  From a beautiful, loving place.  It still blows my mind.  How kind people can be and COMEDIANS at that!  Go fucking figure.  I'm going to make myself some coffee and have an apple.  Big hug blog!  xoxoxo

Monday.

It's Monday and I am alive and well - basically.  I am healing from the biopsy and I finally started jogging again - yesterday we went outside which was great.  Today I will start yoga again and I started eating healthy again.  He says in the book - his name is Raymond Francis - that we should avoid the big 4 - at least in America - wheat, dairy, sugar and processed oils/excess animal protein.  GOD THAT'S SO HARD.  Last night I had shows and one was by this pizza place, it's a famous place and it's usually totally packed with a line out the door down the street.  Well last night it was quiet so I went in and looked at the pizza, asked some questions, somehow got myself to leave and then THOUGHT ABOUT THAT PIZZA THE WHOLE TIME I WAS AT THE SHOW.  Dear GOD.  Honestly it's not even like once in awhile I can't have the pizza or whatever but my problem is once I start it opens a flood gate so I just have to basically stay away from it.  I came home after the shows and made myself sweet potato fries (from scratch oven baked) with olive oil, garlic and fresh rosemary.  Then I made a chipotle, garlic mayo (fresh no sugar) and dipped them in that.  It wasn't pizza but it was really yummy.  UGH.  Anyway who the fuck am I?  I don't know but I want to live so I have to make my own food and just try to stay away from the crap.  Also it's expensive and I don't have any money - any extra money anyway.  So I am trying to audition for something and I need clean material - very hard for me.  I'm not super dirty but I'm not super clean.  It's a REALLY short audition.  I just have to think about it.  I forgot to call my alanon sponsor this morning.  My brain is a little fried from the chemo.  God only 2 more months of it.  I don't even want to go ever again.  I have to go tomorrow.  How am I going to do it???  Should I do it?  Hasn't it been enough already?  It's been almost an entire year of chemotherapy plus radiation for 5 weeks.  Good Lord.  Alright well I have lots of things to do, go to the bank and go work with the kids then my meeting and service.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Calming Down

I moved to NYC 20 years ago this past August.  I have been trying to - ugh I don't know.  God every time I write on here I can hear myself talking in my head like I'm an author working on a novel and IT STINKS.  Here's the deal....for the past 20 years or so I have thought about and tried to break into show business.  Even when I was drunk and just watching Oprah and Dancing With The Stars - I was still studying.  Okay so what's my point?  I give up that's my point.  Not completely but I give up trying to force my hand.  Mostly because I don't want to get cancer again and it hurts me.  When I start to stress out and go really fast my boob starts to beat and it feels AWFUL.  UGH it's so gross!!!  I am reading yet another book about health and this one - it's actually 2 by the same man but I am reading this one "Never Feel Old Again" first because it's a library book and needs to go back.  The other one (which I started but is on hold in my office - meaning just sitting there) is called "Never Fear Cancer Again."  Omg did I write about this already?  Not about the first book - no I didn't.  Anyway the part I read last night that really struck me was about stress and how bad it is for our cells.  I spent all day yesterday - hours - working on my show for tomorrow night but not the creative part just the producing part.  I love producing!  But it is so stressful.  I was STRESSED OUT.  Ugh even writing that feels awful.  SO.  So I'm done.  I'm done!!  If it's hurting me it can't be what God wants for me.  It's unnatural and I am not interested in it anymore.  So I have no clue.  No clue what to do or how the fuck I'm going to make a living.  But I woke up this morning and started to get stressed and then I thought to myself, "Whoa....I can breathe, I have a choice here, I can calm down, I can enjoy and live this day as well and as lovingly as possible."  Honestly I really don't know what I said but it was something like that.  I focused on my breathing, I calmed down and I prayed & meditated.  This is what I have always had the hardest time doing - letting go.  It's the 3rd Step - Let Go & Let God.  I always say I let go & let God but always say HOWEVER THIS IS HOW I WANT YOU TO DO SO DO IT THANKS.  Jesus is that as stressful to read as it was to write?  Yikes.  Anyway so whatever.  That's where I am.  I'm going to go for a walk.  Eat my lunch - a nice big salad.  Go see the kids.  Take a shower.  Love myself.  Love my guy.  Talk to myself.  Stay as calm but alive as possible.  Stay positive.  Stay in the light.  Keep rewiring my brain one moment at a time.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Can you handle some good news??

The biopsy I had done yesterday morning came back benign.  I cried for 15 minutes while I did the dishes and I have been crying off and on since.  I didn't realize how completely terrified I was.  Holy shit.  Look I know this journey isn't totally over yet but still - holy shit.  I took care of myself though - the days before and yesterday.  Even today before they called.  I ate a huge delicious salad for breakfast and I was about to get to work taking care of different things.  I even went to the kids yesterday and did shows last night.  And it was crazy raining weather!  I just wanted to live and be alive.  Holy fuck who I am?  I really am a different person now.  It's mind blowing.  God I am so relieved.  It's a beautiful day - I am going to do some work and then take a shower and go to the kids.  Go to my meeting tonight and get some sleep tonight.  I was up till so late - it took me forever to get home - there were roads blocked off all over the place because of the rain and I drove in circles for like 30 minutes trying to get back home.  Okay LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!

Lump.

I found a lump in my armpit on Sunday - stopped me in my tracks.  Thought about healing while I stared at the wall and then felt again and it seemed to be gone.  I was like MY MIND IS MAGIC.  Then I felt again the next day and felt it again.....went to chemo yesterday and had the nurse feel it - she told me to get it checked.  I have an appointment tomorrow for a mammogram and ultrasound - early in the morning thank God.  I am so scared.  I felt it again today in the shower and it's big with a nard center and honestly that doesn't seem good.  I'm also so tired.  Not so tired - fatigued.  I'm so over this even though I have known that it wasn't quite over yet.  I can't go through another biopsy and I can't - I don't know - I don't know what I can't.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  The guy is having a hard time and so he's - pulling on me and I don't have anything to give.  How am I supposed to take care of myself?  Am I just hormonal and this is nothing?  I'm in chemo - so growing cancer seems strange but I have never felt a lump under my armpit before.  In my armpit whatever.  It's on the same side as where the cancer was.  I don't know.I have been angry the last couple of days....the guy - it's so hard - he's upset and super negative......I feel like it's so selfish of him and maybe it is - the problem is that he is crossing my emotional boundaries - that's what it is.  If he were on my foot it would be so much easier - I would say "Get the fuck off my foot."  But with the emotional boundaries it feels like I'm not supposed to have them - only I am.  We all are.  He doesn't know where they are though.  Oh for fuck's sake relationships are so much fucking WORK.  But mostly I just want to either be supported or left the fuck ALONE.  I have no idea what to do.  I'm going to meditate.  Love you Bluebie bye.

My Mind

I have a powerful mind....dare I say brain.....and when I use it well I see powerful results.  So now, now I want to use my mind well and IT IS SO HARD.  It must be what people feel like who have never exercised!  My brain is just hard wired for negativity!  That being said - I LOVE A CHALLENGE.  I really do.  I mother-fucking LOVE a challenge.  So that's good because holy fuck this is one.  My friend sent me a pamphlet about taking a mental diet and it has blown my fucking mind.  I just am so keenly aware right now that if I continue to have the same thoughts and attitudes this cancer will come back and maybe already is back.  HOWEVER it doesn't have to stay.  I believe that.  I feel like once again in my life I am at a fork in the road.  Jesus I just wrote fork and then instantly thought to myself "yum food fork I love food cake fork for cake yum."  OKAY.  SO.  HE suggests in the book really thinking about taking the mental diet before you take it so I am thinking about it.  Sort of like what I had to do to get ready for the Whole 30 diet - I had to change all my condiments and get tons of different staples.  I'm so tired right now.  I had 2 auditions today and therapy.  It's amazing how exhausting it is to sit around waiting for the next audition.  I went to a nice French restaurant and had chicken paillard.  It was delicious - very fresh with fresh veggies.  I love French food.  Then I had a little molten chocolate cake with fresh berries.  I am having a hard time staying away from the sugar.  But you know what?  IT WAS SO FUCKING GOOD.  Balance.  Happiness.  Joy.  Positive thoughts and cake.  On a very positive note I have been jogging a fair amount.  Where do I find the doctor who will tell me it's okay to eat some cake?  Honestly and maybe I am lying to myself but it feels like it would be healthier for me to eat a little cake and be really positive then to eat a perfect diet but be angry as fuck.  So yeah.  But maybe once a month cake.  I also had a milky way last night.  I felt sick by the end of it. Haha that made me laugh - BLOG CONFESSIONS - so dramatic!  I did feel sick though yikes.  I have to go make dinner - we are having salmon and asparagus - I can't wait - xoxoxo

Never Fear Cancer Again

- it's the name of another book I am reading - and once again it breaks it down so simply.....that we get sick for 2 reasons - deficiency and toxicity.  Okay - YES - but what I read last night that blew my mid was this....let me find it....it goes along the same lines I am already constantly thinking about - mental health - a fresh mind - a mind pointed to the light - being positive - let me find it.....here it is "Thoughts can change your body chemistry, for better or for worse, in a matter of seconds.  Each and every thought has a physical effect.  You can think your way into cancer, and you can think your way out."  THIS BLEW MY MIND.  Okay I was going to type out more quotes but honestly it's this - he says what you think about is even MORE important than the food you eat and the food you eat is EXTREMELY important.  So that has been my biggest challenge in sobriety - negative thinking and being enraged.  Wow - I wrote that and got light-headed - it's also dark in here.  But anyway so - so that's it.  I don't know what else to say - it's the power of the mind and body - it's what we feed ourselves in everyway.  You know what I will just keep it on myself - to me it seems - what I am feeding myself mentally is it - what type of food am I giving my mind?  Powerful thoughts?  Kind, warm and loving thoughts?  I AM SO TIRED - haha.  I had a late show last night and I was so jazzed up from it I couldn't sleep.  But you know what?  It's okay because I started to read this book!  The holistic doctor told me to read it.  So this author say it's 6 pathways to health (or disease) - here they are - ready???

1. nutrition
2. toxic
3. mental
4. physical
5. genetic
6. medical

Was that exciting or what?  Anyway the real point is that for me what opened my mind was how effected my whole body is by negative thinking.  Feed your body crap and you get sick - think negative thoughts and - you get sick.  Off I go to a meeting - byyyye.

I can do this....

I can do this I can do this I can do this - that's what I always say to myself in my head - I can do this - I can remember why I'm in this room - I can get my list of things done - I can make a list of things to do - I can organize myself.  I can let my shoulders drop so that I am not completely stressed out.  Whoa.  Okay - when I wrote that my shoulders dropped.  I have a lot to do and it's all things I want to do but it's raining and I just so want to go back to bed.  I am taking so many supplements and magic potions and I have to super focus to take the right ones at the right time and the correct amount of each - each day.  My head is a little cloudy today.  We went to my family yesterday and I ate things I shouldn't have.  Nothing horrible just bread and some dairy.  Also one cookie.  But I also had a piece of pizza Saturday night and a doughnut.  OH MY GOD - I am just - what?  Human that's all and I love food.  The good news is that I am eating 85% better than I used to before.  So before I ate that pizza Saturday I ate a big salad.  And yesterday I ate Salad and just now I ate salad.  It's okay I am a work in progress.  I also omg now I am forgetting again what I was going to say oh YES I am also exercising more.  I jogged 3 times last week and today I did my little bit of yoga, stretched and got on the treadmill and walked for 30 minutes.  There is some sort of buzzing sound from outside - someone must be doing some sort of construction and I am finding it very distracting.  So I am going to wrap up this post by saying that now I want to say to myself - I can do this and I can do it without completely stressing myself out.  Stress isn't good for the body.  So I can do this.....it feels different right?  Quiet power.  WORD.  Byeeeeeeee Bluebie.

Mental Health

Well despite what might seem very obvious I have never ever really fully intellectually clicked in with how important for my overall health it is to be MENTALLY HEALTHY.  Last night we were sitting on the couch and I was looking through instagram and a picture came up of this woman who is a sex doctor and she was wearing a sexy outfit - only it wasn't sexy and she grosses me out - I DONT KNOW WHY AND I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT IT.  Maybe she is doing great work in the world!  I think part of it is because she told my sister that if my guy and I needed help having sex she could help us.  Okay yeah that's definitely a huge part of it - ANYWAY I DONT EVEN KNOW HER REALLY and then I was complaining about her right?  So my guy says to me so sweetly that this is part of the negativity that I am trying to avoid in order to get healthy.  Which of course I found completely fucking annoying - until this morning when I was meditating and I really suddenly understood mental health.  Healthy thinking, kindness, redirecting what comes in - keeping that garden in my brain clean and fresh.  IT BLEW MY MIND.  Ugh I'm exhausted.  It has been so much work just getting to this place in my life.  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  Alright well good for me.  It's like I bought an old ass house that's falling apart and I have been redoing it for decades.  At best I have been cleaning it the fuck out after a hoarder lived there.  A HOARDER LIVED IN MY BODY HOUSE BRAIN/MIND.  Haha.  Gotta go - sex appointment with the guy.  Love you Bluebie bye!

How many doctors does it take to fuck a lightbulb?

I really don't know but probably not many.  I AM OVERWHELMED.  I have been to - so far this week - chemo therapy with all sorts of blood tests, then the doctor there, my living with cancer group - talked to people there about all this shit, saw a nutty Chinese doctor but okay cool, then I met with my Snake Doctor who I love so much and HE told me what he thought was going on and then again I spoke with my oncologist about other options and 2 things are happening right now.  3.  3 things are happening......1. my eye is twitching like crazy because I feel stressed out about having 3 different types of doctors tell me what to do BUT it's also probably twitching because I had afternoon coffee and I made it strong actually it's ALSO probably why I am stressing the fuck out right now in general - ANYWAY 2.  I have no idea what 2 and 3 were now I forgot.  Jesus.  Um - well anyway I have a lot of options.  I can figure out what to do to take care of myself.  I can take care of myself and keep my body healthy and keep it cancer free.  God I am so tired too.  I had an audition today it was fun - went to the kids afterwards - they crack me up.  I need to eat dinner.  I have been eating so much healthier - like 150% healthier - I'm not even kidding.  AND I LOOK DIFFERENT.  I mean my eyes are a different shape.  I know that sound fucking insane but it's true.  I don't know how else to say it - maybe there's more life in them because they are actually getting nutrients?  I mean I don't look ASIAN now but they look different.  I HAVE TO GO EAT NOW BYE.

A moment.......

to reflect.  It's my anniversary - I am sober 9 years today.  9 fucking years.  It has been something I will tell you what.  I don't do it very often but sometimes I go back and read things I wrote and realize how crazy I was - how unhappy and frightened - AND - I was sober already!  It takes so long to unwind ourselves from this disease and unhealthy patterns of behavior.  Word.  So anyway I am home and I have stuff to do today - clean up my office, make my schedule for the week and do some work for my sister.  We got up and prayed & meditated together then went for a walk in the neighborhood.  I love looking at all the flowers and he loves looking at the houses.  I came home and made a smoothie from this cookbook my sister gave me called Eat Pretty - so many great, yummy and healthy recipes.  So this smoothie is called LEmon Beauty smoothie and has spinach, parsley, dandelion greens, half an avocado, one whole peeled lemon and a frozen banana.  I made it - made the guy try some and he DID NOT WANT TO and then guess what happened?  I thought it was fucking disgusting and he loved it.  I mostly thought it was gross because of the consistency which I realized was like that because once again I DIDNT READ THE WHOLE RECIPE - hahahaaa.  Oye.  So it was like a glass of liquid with chunks of emon rind and for some reason chunks of parsley.  So everything else was liquid - I drank and and chewed it and honestly it made me feel fantastic but those chunks were hard to work through.  I am so impatient with recipes!  I just look at all the ingredints and then I go for it!  Not how it works.  Ha!  That being said I made salmon cakes last night and finally realized you'r supposed to not only use a wopden spoon to stir the ingredients together (which made a huge difference) but also not use wax paper.  I thought wax paper and parchment paper were the same thing but NOPE.  So I kept making these things and having them STICK to the wax paper!  Plus we were eating wax.  Whoops.  Anyway last night I used the wooden spoon and no wax paper and omg YUM,  So fucking good!!  Now for a different message besides read all the instructions...

I went to a naturopathic oncologist on Saturday.  He ran some body scan on me and then gave me a protocol of supplements and other things to do.  He said my thyroid was low and other stuff.  He also said I didn't need to do chemo or radiation - that he could have helped me but that surgery was good.  I was like - um - well I did it sooooo - thank you??  Anyway I really liked him and I am doing the protocol already.  Well most of it - it's a ton of shit so I'm working it in slowly.  He wanted me to drink some weird shit that I was like naaaah to and he was just like "Okay."  Ha - no problem - which I liked.  I couldn't really tell what it was made out of and anyway - I'm not great with powders.  I went home and looked it up and I still couldn't tell what it was.  So.  So this is for prevention.  Cancer prevention.  I don't want to take the pills they want to give me at the hospital because I can't be so physically - off.  But it doesnt' feel right to do nothing so I am doing this.  His protocol, diet and exercise.  He said diet is 80% of healing.  He didn't say but I'm guessing he meant 80% healthy right?  Ha.  PIZZA AND DOGNUTS.  Is that how you spell doughnuts?  What are dognuts that spell check didn't pick it up.  It's almost 1 now - I need to get going on my tasks for the day.. Thank you for being here sweet blog - this has helped my healing so much - love you Bluebie bye.

This is what I did today....

1. Woke up at 7:45 am - prayed and meditated
2. Did some yoga and then stretched on my ballet bar
3. Talked to the guy
4. Ate a yummy breakfast - 2 eggs, sweet potato home fries and some kale salad with home made tahini dressing
5. Talked To Larni at length about how I do not want to do comedy anymore and what maybe I could do
6. Took a nap
7.  This

I AM EXHAUSTED.  I also called the doctor and called to make my health insurance was okay.  Oh I spoke to another alcoholic although it was a stilted and strange conversation.  She always calls me and never has anything to say - 100% confusing.  Anyway now Im going to drink some coffee and try to wake up and get some groceries and make some soup.  It's hot out again maybe that's why Im so tired?  Maybe Im allergic to working - whatever it is.  YEAH IM SURE THATS IT.  Byeeee.

I Met A Prostitute

A sex worker?  A hooker?  I don't know - she fucks some old guy once a week and then he give her a lot of money - but also she's into it so it's okay?  I don't ever care - the best part is SHE GETS TO LIVE ALONE.  That's not even the point - I have no idea what happened - all I know is I met this woman and now I want to quit comedy.  I MET A PROSTITUE AND NOW I WANT TO QUIT COMEDY.  I can't even fucking handle it.  That's how hard being a comedian is - she became a fucking hooker - sex worker - got herself a sugar daddy - I don't know.  I really liked her too - and she seems fine - she was really funny and gorgeous.  I just - I don't know.  I'm not sure what happened - I just do not want to do standup anymore.  Did I ever really want to do it?  I love it - I love the art form but I can not fucking stand the lifestyle.  It is so dark and unhealthy.  Do I really mean this?  I honestly don't know - I just know I got cancer and this past week I was so busy and stressed that it felt like it was making me sick again and I can't do it.  Then I meet this gorgeous chick who has to be a fucking hooker so she can have a decent place to live and not kill herself doing comedy.  Is this even what I am upset about?  I don't know I am still detoxing from that medicine - I am so fucking confused.  Or am I?  I can't be out every night doing standup - I just can't.  So then what the fuck am I doing?  I want to act right?  OR DO I??  MAYBE I WANT TO JUST BE HEALTHY AND LIVE OUT HERE AND WORK AT SAKS.  I do not fucking want to work at Saks.  I want to act and be funny and creative.  Holy fucking shit I need to calm down.  We went to the beach today and I didn't wear sunscreen because I am afraid of the chemicals now and I got a sunburn - which can not be any better for me.  I have no idea - I just want to be healthy and happy.  I am thinking I am too fucking old to be running around doing comedy - I think I am fucking over it.  Maybe I will see how I feel in the morning.  The guy keeps telling me to just do it a little bit - but in my mind if I'm not great then why do it?  Maybe it's none of that.  Maybe there is something else for me - something healthier - that's all.  Something healthier.  UGH.  Bye.

Pink Eye - The Musical

I woke up yesterday with a completely pink eye and I could NOT handle the sunlight - just so painful.  I finally got to an ophthalmologist who would take my health insurance and drove myself there like a lunatic and it turns out - I HAD WORN MY CONTACTS TOO LONG.  So I gave myself irritated inflamed eyes.  Sexy shit right?  I was so fucking embarrassed.  Thank God I don't have pink eye but what the fuck?  I missed 2 auditions and a show.  I have to wear my glasses till Friday.  Okay anyway whatever.  I am so fucking tired - I can't sleep at night and I have no fucking idea why.  I had 3 auditions today and 2 other ones this week - I am so fucking overwhelmed.  I don't know - I went from doing nothing to being so super busy.  AM I COMPLAINING??  No - no I am so so grateful and today the auditions were fun - I loved it.  I just don't know how to manage everything.  I will get better at it.  I guess it's the best problem to have.  I have to go I have so much work to do.  I only have class tomorrow and twice next week and then I will have some time freed up.  It has been such a wonderful gift being back and it's already helped me.  OKAY byeeeeeee.

Writing Real Quick

It's Sunday and I am here in my office while the guy runs to the store real quick.  I had a nice day....did some yoga and stretching, then jogged a bit on the treadmill.  Grocery shopped at Whole Foods and Shoprite and then came home and cooked.  I love cooking on Sundays.  I made some sweet potato chunks in the over with onion and fresh rosemary, baked regular potatoes, chicken with organic garlic and organic chipotle, a spinach salad with pepitas, roasted almonds, red onion and a homemade tahini dressing.  I tried to make the sweet potatoes like the ones I ate at Organic Kitchen in the East Village.  They came out really good but I think I used to much olive oil.  They were a bit drier at Organic Kitchen.  Then we had dinner and went to alanon.  Is that fucking exciting or what?  Ha - it felt good and healthy.  I have an audition tomorrow and I am super tired but I think after a good night's sleep it will be okay.  Have you ever had a Lilly bar??  I am eating one right now.  They are chocolate bars sweetened with Stevia and they are amazing.  Not too sweet - so so good.  In fact this one is kind stale but it's still amazing!  No weird after taste - just GOOD.  I had diarrhea all morning - holy mother of God it was awful.  No clue why. The perjeta still maybe?  It's so scary - makes me so nervous I am sick still.  I just am not sure.  Or am I?  I don't know.  I don't feel as tired and awful as I did before I found out about the cancer but I am still so tired.  I also drink gallons less coffee.  Well anyway I just keep trying to take care of myself - inside and out.  Be kind to my mind....rest, exercise, eat well - write in my journal - be honest, be kind to others but not be a doormat.  Grow.  I am trying to let myself grow and HEAL.  Have balance.  Self-esteem.  Personal power.  Yeah so anyway that is how I am moving forward and - and I don't know what.....living I guess.  It might be a little boring but it's also profound and amazing.  I have shows and auditions and stuff to keep my life exciting - my home life and everything in between can be this.  And that's fucking fabulous.  Byeeeee - eat a Lilly bar!

Poison Mind.

My mind is so poisonness right now!  Omg how do you spell that?  Poison is spelled poison but poisoness is not spelled that way and spellcheck doesn't know it.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Found it.  Poisonous.  BOOM.  Greaaaat.  Well so anyway I stopped taking the medication and since it took a couple of weeks to build up and start to make me crazy I guess it will take a couple of weeks to stop.  I am so negative in my head and jealous and just a basic dark, ungrateful outlook.  It feels terrible in my body - so toxic.  I can not have gone through this whole year of treatment to not appreciate being alive!  I have so much to be grateful for!  I did pray and meditate today and I got a good night's sleep.....I managed to do the work I needed to do for my show tonight and I have the kids this afternoon which I am looking forward to.  I went to my class yesterday and it was just so amazing.  He is fucking 96 years old and his mind is sharp and he is still an EXCELLENT teacher.  I almost started crying when he came in the room.  They lost the studio somehow so he is teaching in his apartment and it's like a museum in there!  All these pictures of him and his wife with all these famous people - candid photos too so they are so special.  It's one of those HUMOGOUS old NYC apartments - huge - like a house but an apartment.  Old AS FUCK but so fantastic.  There's a laundry room!  Fucking nuts.  So it was great and I learned a ton and was filled up with love and inspiration.  I had chemo yesterday morning which was fine - they had to put it in my hand and the first vein didn't work so they had to stick me twice.  I'm so glad still though that I don't have that port.  Go ahead and stick me - fuck that shit.  So anyway I was hoping if I wrote on here I could get some of the poison out of my mind.  I feel a little bit better and I am sure after I hang out with the kids and stop thinking about myself I will also feel better.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Whoa Nelly

That's what people used to say to their horses or at least in movies anyway.  I haven't been around very many people talking to horses so I don't ACTUALLY know but I THINK that's what people used to say to horses to get them to stop.  I am trying to get my mind to stop - actually I think it has a bit.....I will explain and boy is this going to be riveting.....you know what?  Maybe it will be - what the fuck do I know??  I am taking this medicine and each day I get a little bit crazier and it takes a little bit longer to get myself out of it - right?  Well so I just - this is the conclusion I have come to after doing step-work with my sponsor.  I got upset this weekend after my friend asked me to do something I didn't actually have the time to do and I started to get SO RESENTFUL and angry - so I did some step work around it and other people who effect me in a similar way.  Look this is probably boring and not that interesting but to me this is my life and for some reason it makes me feel better to write about it on a secret blog.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHY - but it does - SO.  So here's what happened today after I met with my wonderful sponsor........the conclusion I came to........is.........

I USED TO PICK UNAVAILABLE MEN - till I fucking said THAT'S IT and stopped doing it - drew a mother fucking LINE IN THE SAND to that shit.

NOW I PICK UNAVAILABLE CREATIVE PARTNERS......who aren't always unavailable but for the most part are not available - unless they are available - which isn't that NOT AVAILABLE???

I ALSO DO THIS WITH FRIENDS.

So anyway whatever I'm at some sort of bottom with this shit and I have a part in it and blah blah blah the medicine makes all of this way more magnified so it's hard to sift through and get on the other side of BUT - but I can I think and honestly until I fucking realize what I'm doing - how the fuck am I supposed to stop doing it?  AYE THERE'S THE RUB.  So whatever there you go.  I finally felt better after talking to my sponsor for almost 2 hours so that's good and I am so grateful she has the time! 

Holy shit - emotions and the mind are so fucking tricky when you're an alcoholic.  Fuuuuuuck.  I don't know - I don't really know what to do - I am going to stop taking the medicine - I can't have my life be like this - I don't have 6 hours in each day to unwind myself from wanting to kill everyone and I want to be happy.  This year of treatment has been so hard - I deserve to be happy.  So what else?  I just have to stop with these people.  I just need to let go.  I stopped with the guys and I can stop with these people too.  Also I love these people - I probably need to stop before I am throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  I have to go I am so sleepy.  It's raining which is so cozy and I am on the bed - my favorite place to be in the afternoon.  When I have the time I just love to get on this bed with the pillows propped up and I can see whatever is going outside of the windows...today it is rain and it is very comforting.  I find so much solace sitting on a made bed.  Go figure.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

The power of positive thinking must work but I can't do it...

I mean I CAN but it's REALLY really hard to do it.  Not only that but OH MY GOD I AM NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.  Good Lord - okay.  OKAY.  Here's the deal - I am taking this medication and it is making me sometimes sad and other times - I don't know what - hormonal I guess is how I can best describe it.  It wanes thank God and it's not physically painful they way pms was so that's good.  Plus now I have all these tools to help myself and ways to talk to myself.  So that's such a blessing.  People are frustrating and hurtful and I am allowed to have my feelings - for sure but I am not a victim and I have choices.  Not only do I have choices but I can do whatever the fuck I want.  I think what is happening is similar to what happened with men for me.  I just got to a place with men where I just didn't care anymore - I was like THAT'S IT I GIVE UP and I would rather be alone than be in these awful relationships.  Now I have these different people in my life who are so upsetting and I just will not have it anymore.  Although I don't totally believe myself.  Mostly because I am upset still and no major decision has ever come from an upset place for me.  So. So anyway.  So what's positive?  What is a positive way to think right now?  I'm thinking, I'm thinking.....what's fun?  I went to dance class again this week - YES.  I cancelled my physical therapy with that woman who I felt creeped out by.  It didn't help anyway but it felt really good to cancel and take care of myself.  Fuck that.  I don't know it's so hard to be positive when I am so upset by so many people.  Just for today - I just need to be positive just for today right?  I am having a good day!  For sure.  I went to my ladies meeting and ate with everyone and ran my errands.  I got a bunch of stuff done and I am going to make dinner.  I made a yummy breakfast lasagna last night for dinner and it was yuuuuuum.  Lots of herbs and spices - so good - everything was organic.  Well mostly.  I love my guy - I love him so much!!!  I am going back to my acting class this week and I am so so excited.  So okay I am going to do my step-work I need to do and just move forward.  I think I just got sleepy - love you Bluebie byeeeeeee.

Boob Antennae

Is that how you spell antennae?  I guess so!  The spell check thing doesn't work when you just write the title on here for some reason.  Anyway my boob is like an antennae now - whatever is happening negatively - I can feel it in my boob.  It's too much - I don't want a boob antennae.  Ugh my poor boob - they are so jacked up.  My left one is so scarred and just is swollen and red with lymphedema all the time.  The physical therapy has helped a little and I am grateful for it but it's now about 3 times bigger than my other breast.  The right one is much smaller than it used to be before the surgery and there is a dent and a red scar that just hasn't changed for some reason.  I thought it would fade but it hasn't.  Well anyway most of the time I don't care but now I have all these scars and my body is wounded.  My arm has scars from the chemo.....the physical therapist (she's a new one) asked me what it was from.  She said "What happened there?"  I also - I don't know I kind of felt molested by her but also her job is to manipulate my breast so it was confusing.  I have no idea why I am writing all of this.  I guess it's because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I am just so fucking over it.  I just don't even know but guess what?  I have health insurance.  So there's that.  Also I am allowed to have feelings about all of this - it fucking sucks and for the most part I have had a great attitude and I've soldiered through.  My life will never be the same and I guess I should just accept it.  It's 11:55 pm and for some reason I am awake right now.  I just watched America's Got Talent - it makes me cry so hard.  I don't know.....I'm working hard - with the kids - working for my family, doing lots of shows and next week I am going back to my acting class.  I grocery shopped today and cooked tonight and did the dishes.  I'm here - I don't know.  I have to be more careful now - about my energy and what I take in.  It's all changed now and it was all changing anyway.  I don't know - I feel sad and I am crying.  Sometimes I want life to be less painful - don't we all?  But then I get to feel so many other wonderful things.  Honestly I am probably just hormonal and I haven't had sugar in 7 days.  I just have to take care of myself and that feels lonely for some reason.  Anyway hopefully I will get tired in a few minutes and can go to bed.  Thanks for reading - love you Bluebie bye.

Nice To Myself.

Life has so many challenges right?  A few of mine right now.....staying alive that's one...what else....being authentic as an artist and a human being - that's another one.....being nice to myself - there we go - the hardest challenge of all.  I just am so hard wired to be mean to myself.  Or I was anyway.  I don't know - it's so crazy - the other day I was embarrassed because I was dorky in front of some guy who is cute right?  Seriously who cares even if he did know?  But I had to talk myself off the ledge you know and I did - I talked myself off the ledge and told myself I'm human and can be attracted to someone - I didn't do anything wrong and IN FACT it's thrilling that I find someone hot!  My juices (gross) are still flowing.  But mostly I just told myself it's fine I'm human it's okay.  THEN I FELT BETTER AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN BECAUSE I WAS SO NICE TO MYSELF.  That's how negative it is in my head.  Or was anyway.  Then - then came this part ready?  ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??

So yesterday I called my sponsor because that's what I am supposed to do as an alcoholic - stay connected to other people in the program, one of the people being my sponsor.  I can't see my alcoholism but she can.  Okay.  So I called her and we get to talking about my negative thinking and how I have to be vigilant about keeping it at bay.  So she asks me and she said she didn't need an answer and I didn't give her one but she asks me but says first.."You always seem so kind to everyone and I would like to know if you really mean it because if you aren't truly being kind to yourself you don't have anything to give away....you don't have it in you to actually be kind and that is not...."  I don't remember what else she said because my mind once again WAS BLOWN.  I mean why the fuck am I spending all my time being nice to everyone but NOT ME FIRST???  Also the answer to start with is that I am not so nice to everyone but also I don't know what I am trying to say.  I am patient I think with people - that is something I do but anyway that's not the point.  The point is that I can't give away what I don't have.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  I don't know - something just shifted in my brain and also freed up.  Something inside me was freed.  That stupid sense of responsibility I have towards other people and their feelings was lessened.  Ugh how fucking great is that.  Just a little bit less.  Just a shift, just a thought change.  I hope I remember it. 

I am still taking that pill every night - the tomaxifen - I can't remember how to spell it but I am taking it.  I am going to keep taking it and looking into naturopathic oncologist in the meantime.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Laptops Work Better on My Lap

Just saying.  Anyway I am so tired.  I went back to work today with the kids - which was great - I missed them.  I am however now exhausted.  Which is okay except that I am terrified to be exhausted.  I have so many fears now - two of them are stress and exhaustion.  These things were so intense in my life before I found out I had cancer and they feel so bad in my body when they happen now.  A little stress is exciting but too much and it feels toxic.  So does being too tired.  It's such a catch 22 with the tired though because if I'm not tired enough I don't go to sleep at night.  Anyway right now I want to take a nap but it's 5:46 in the pm and that's nuts.  No one takes a nap at 5:46 in the pm.  So anyway....here I am - so sleepy and trying not to sleep.  I went for a long walk this morning and I'm taking pretty good care of myself.  I have other work to do.  I love you Bluebiebye.

Life.

Well I am still alive.  Now I am on a new medication that might make my depression worse but I told the doctor I would try it.  I am now looking into naturopathic oncologists as well.  So I might be jumping off this path of treatment or at least partially jumping off.  Anyway I am glad I did it.  I just want to feel and be healthy.  I went to my second dance class - oh so did I write I went to one dance class?  Well I did and now I went to 2 and IT WAS SO GREAT.  If I am going to die I want to dance and if I live I want to dance.  So I am dancing.  I feel so differently about exercise all of a sudden - I am back to wanting to be in my body.  Anyway I am writing fast because I want to update my website with shows.  Ugh my friend died - another comedian - she was the first person to put me onstage.  Saying onstage is generous to say the least since it was her open mic and by the time I got there it was over and everyone had left.  It was just her in an empty bar.  But she said go ahead and try it.  So I had some stuff written on a napkin and she, my boyfriend and a bouncer from where I worked watched me and I fell in love with comedy.  She did that for so many fucking people - it's so sad.  I don't know what the fuck happened.  I will miss her - she was fucking amazing - a bright, beautiful light.  Fuck.  I want to live now.  I want to live well, healthy and happy if I can.  I went to an alanon meeting this morning and an AA meeting this afternoon.  There was a woman there with a baby and I was looking at them and wondering what kind of pacifier it was he had because it looked so weird and yes where I am going is that it WAS HER BOOB.  I was so grossed out.  I really thought "That is why I don't have kids because GROOOOSSSSSSS."  I LOVE KIDS and BABIES but good Lord no thanks.  Anyway so I also thought how people always say cancer is tough and I really thought how the fuck do these women stay sober with someone literally hanging off their boobs??  Grace I guess.  Anyway I have to go - I'm in a big rush for no reason.  I hope my friend is at peace.  I hope she died peacefully.  I hope she wasn't in pain.  So many people loved her - she is going to have such a beautiful send off.  Life is short and precious.  I want to live well for her.  For all of us.  Um what?  Bye.

Shitting and Puking at The Same Time - An Erotica Tale For The Ages

I got food poisoning yesterday - so from about 5:00 am to about 7:00 pm I puked my guts out and quite a few times was shitting at the same time uncontrollably.  It was fucking horrifying.  I can't believe I'm going to say this but it was even worse than chemo.  In that it was just so out of control and AWFUL.  Anyway the guy took such good care of me and I didn't get sick from doing anything crazy.  I ate healthy and - ugh I ate one chicken skewer though that tasted a little funny compared to the other chicken I ate.  Oh well.  I mean but good God - I am so sick of being sick.  My mind goes to such negative places - it's so awful.  For some reason last night in the middle of the night I kept waking up and my brain just kept repeating "Heteronormative" over and over again.  We had played cards against humanity Saturday night for my ladies night and someone had that card and so it must have stuck in my head but honestly I don't even totally know what it means so when my brain was repeating it I was like "Why??  Why are you on repeat??  I don't even know what that really means!"  Then I would fall asleep and wake up and it would happen all over again.  Ugh.  The good news is that I am feeling better and luckily I was able to just stay home these last 2 days.  I had to cancel my follow-up appointment for radiation but I will just go later in the week.  Good LORD.  So today I am just going to take care of myself.  I already meditated twice and I'm going to do it again.  Ugh I'm exhausted.  Even though I am in bed I am SO HAPPY to not be puking that it's thrilling.  I will be healthy again one day and I will be super healthy and it will be fabulous.  Byeeeeee.

Writing

Mother fuck - I just wrote a whole thing and for some reason it didn't actually get on the page.  I don't have much to say right now (OR DO I??) but I wanted to write, to practice putting words to the page.  So that's what I'm doing!  Words to the page!  I am going out tonight to do shows and I am thrilled except for the part where I feel gross and kind of sick.  It's at least 500% humidity so that always makes me feel icky.  I still feel a little weird about my hair - it looks something like a brillo pad and let me tell you what - I AM SO HAPPY TO HAVE THIS BRILLO PAD YOU BET.  THRILLED.  Absolutely overjoyed!  Except for when I am upset that it looks like a brillo pad.  I can kind of shape it and kind of make a part but it still looks odd.  I just can not wear that fucking wig.  Its not going to happen.  It's too hot!  My ego is losing to comfort.  So anyway I feel weird and I have been exercising but you can't tell.  I look like I had triplets 5 months ago.  Did I say that already?  FUN.  Anyway.....okay so I did it.  I put words to the page and now I will put words in the mic.  Byeeeeee.

Fuck A Fucking Duck.

I'm SOOOooooooooOOOOOOoooooOOOOOOO anxious.  Is it making you anxious seeing that?  It's making me anxious seeing that.  Let's break it down....

1.  I am an anxious person by nature.
2.  I have had to much coffee today.
3. I am hormonal (fun right?)
4.  I am still in treatment for cancer, turned down more surgery and no one has told me I'm completely off the hook as far as cancer goes.  Also I'm uncomfortable in my boob and can't tell if I am in the clear myself - which doesn't totally make sense because I couldn't feel the cancer in my boob till they told me it was there so in essence I am semi-driving myself fucking batshit crazy worried about this cancer that being said I AM STILL GLAD I DIDNT GET MORE SURGERY.
5.  I already mentioned the coffee but I will just mention it again.
6.  I am over-stimulated in general.
7.  I didn't meditate today.
8.  I am so excited and so ready to jump back into shows and show business but I am doing that PUSH thing that hasn't ever worked and IM JUST FLIPPING OUT IN GENERAL.
9.  I am not breathing.
10.  I'm exhausted.
11.  It's hot as fucking fuck out and I just now came into the air-con.
12.  Even though I am so tired and need to relax and re-balance myself I keep "doing one more thing" that then stimulates me more and makes me - NUTS.
13.  I have no idea.

So.  So that's what's happening.  One second - hold please.  Thank you for holding.  Okay so anyway.  That's all - I am just a bit of a mess and I need/want to calm down.  This helped.  Now I'm going to meditate.  WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE NORMAL AND CALM?  JUST - I don't know?  Is anyone normal?  Probs.  OH WELL I WILL NEVER KNOW.  Ha.  byeeeeeee.