Friday, December 30, 2011
Ugh I am so tired and overstimulated. This is my3rd double in a row and my 6th shift at someplace working. I am so nuts. I am also so sad and I am so sad for my mother. It's so upsetting. Okay I just got off the phone with Her LAdy Wonder and I feel much better. I have to go - I will write more tomorrow. I love you Bluebie even though I am not writing on you!!!
Friday, December 23, 2011
and I actually am able to buy gifts for nieces and nephews!! That is a sure switch from last year. It also has been a year since I started to see the Snake Doctor. Let's see - what else? I stopped myself from buying really expensive boots that I wasn't sure about last night - that was good. I ordered the air purifier so let's see how the cigarette saga continues after that arrives. Hopefully it will be fine - I mean hopefully it will work!! I feel like I did that from a place of power. I did something to try to fix the situation (let's hope it works) instead of just constantly getting mad about it and trying to make it stop. Or spitting out the window. I am so over living here. That being said - I reaaaaally need to - well do what I did - I ordered an air purifier. I just look like I smoke cigarettes and I feel like it too. Maybe a part of it is the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me for my Lyme disease. Hold on I'm going to look this up in my Louis L.Hay book. I just researched a ton of stuff and I seriously wonder if a lot of my problems are from this freaking Lyme disease. I didn't realize you get co-infections from the disease. Gross. I have to go. Bye Bluebie - I love you.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
What do I say? How do I write authentically? I am sad and I felt pretty sick for awhile today. Grief really hits me in the stomach. I made phone calls and I asked the owner of the store to let me not come in next Monday and Tuesday so that I can be with my family. She was so nice - eventually and said I could close the store. I realized at one point that I was completely dehydrated. I really start going nuts when I am dehydrated. Ugh - so I am not in love with that acting teacher anymore - I got over it in my sleep. Do you know what else I REALLY realized? I feel the same way around him that I feel around some other people in my life - where I feel like I don't exist a little bit. I mean - he was so great - so nice - he said he was so glad I came in and that life is short and that we have the comedy club connection - small world!! I didn't feel beautiful or hmmmm - like he really saw me. What? Also - he had me read this monologue and it was for this older woman. Um - then he said I should work on that. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?? I seriously have to get myself in shape so I stop feeling old and gross. I can still be perfectly lovely and not care that I am older. He thumbed through the book for awhile before he found that one. I mean I guess it is a book of people looking back on their lives so maybe they are all older? I have the book right here why don't I read it? Why don't I ever read anything while I am here? All I do is look at boots - it's so fucking weird. It's like I won't let myself REALLY take care of myself. What did she call it the other night? "Another level of self-care." I need to go to so many other levels of self-care. I loved being in that bookstore last night so much. I love books - I love words. Why won't I let myself have that more often? It's like a flexible thing maybe? How about making it something to work towards. Another level of self-care. I'm going to go and write a gratitude list. Byeeeee.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Why do these things happen? I already know the answer and I don't know why I'm asking. I just don't want to feel this way and I'm so sad. I hate not getting to say goodbye and this is way too hard to talk about with anyone. I made it through my day - I stayed on schedule and now I feel so lonely and it has been freezing all night long. I just got so mad about there being no heat on - I swore and I slammed the door and then he finally turned it on. Jesus. I don't mean it was a little cold - I mean the radiator was completely cold - NO HEAT. Then all of a sudden the water comes flowing through the radiator. I don't know how I am going to make it through work tomorrow. I have to ask her for a couple days off after Christmas otherwise I will only be able to be home for one day. Actually I will just tell her I can't be back till Wednesday. You know what? I am so glad I am writing this - that is exactly what I am going to do. Now I went on the audition and it turns out the guy auditioning me worked at the same comedy club I did and had an insane, abusive experience there also. He however feels like he is on the other side and - made something of himself. He was really cute, and vulnerable. He was also very serious but he did have a sense of humor. He asked me who I was talking to in my monologue and I said "A therapist." He said "A therapist?" Then I said "Honestly I have no idea who I am talking to." He laughed and said "Okay." It was so bad. Then I did my own written monologue and that was much better and I am going back for a second audition. He had me read out of a book and that was fantastic. He kept saying "I want to see if there is a live egg inside of you" which was making me crazy because I'm 40 and I kept thinking "There MIGHT be a live egg inside me - I'm so desperate - he is so cute - I'm so old - I have my period - dead eggs." I'm not sure if that was everything I thought but I did leave thinking he loved me and then there was the MOST beautiful YOUNG (but not TOO young) woman waiting to audition and he said - in this really manly, charming voice "Is there an Olivia here?" and she said "This is Olivia!!!" He said "This is Olivia!!!!" and then they went into the studio and fell in love while I cried hysterically in the bathroom. For serious. Holy fucking shit - what? I crushed on this guy - sort of - he wouldn't let me get a word in edge wise - then I got jealous and it was over all in about 30 minutes. Um - what? Fucking Olivia. I feel so sick. How am I going to do Christmas and get through this week? I just have to keep taking care of myself. I have to go floss. I already showered and lotioned for bed. I have clothes in the dryer. I went and bought the book he had me read out of. It is a beautiful and sad book of poetry. I'm so lonely. It has been so long since someone loved me. I honestly could not even finish typing that before I started laughing. I mean it's true but COME ON. Give me a fucking break. If I really need someone to love me and hold me I can get ANY dude to do that. Please. One day at a time - focus on the program. Breathe. Love. Pray. Meditate. Masturbate. Move. Eat healthy. Fell my feelings. Write FB comments and delete them. Everything will be okay. Barf - such painful barf.
Something terrible happened and I just really can't write the details. I am awake and I did the right things to take care of myself yesterday and so far today. I also took good care of myself Friday and Saturday even though it was so hard to do. The cigarette smoke really bothers me. Last night while I was walking the dog out back Boris smoked out front. Then for the rest of the night he smoked under my window. IT filled my room up - you could see it. This morning it woke me up. I pray for acceptance all the time. Okay. It's just so sad for the dog too. I have to find a way to really accept it and this week I am going to get an air purifier. Yes - yes I am. Ugh - this is so strange. Life is so painful. I fell so blessed and was reminded this morning while praying and meditating how I have been graced with a second chance at life and how not everyone is so lucky. Not everyone has the opportunity to get sober. I don't even know if that's what I mean. How was it put in what I read "By the grace of God - there go I." What? I am trying so hard to make sense. I have this audition today - I really like the monologue and I have it memorized. I want to go back to bed. I'm so sad and I also - this is so awful - I don't want to deal with it. My feelings or anyone else's. I just want to lay down. I don't feel like going on this audition - what's the point? Why bother? I am going though. I already got up and did my holistic stuff for my Lyme Disease that the Snake Doctor is finally giving me - I cried when he told me how much it will help me. I prayed and meditated, fed the dog, made my bed and deleted the nasty thing I wrote on FB about the cigarette smoke. I should go spruce up my resume and get in the shower. I will let you know how it goes. The Snake Doctor said I need to get to a place of power again with the cigarette smoke. Okay - well hopefully the air purifier will help with that. Did I write that already? So confused - I feel like I wiegh 1000 pounds.
Friday, December 16, 2011
ON HIS ASS because he broke his foot. Um really? He is dragging himself around the house on his ass even though they gave him a cast and he already owns canes from when he "Couldn't balance" last year from his inner ear problem. Inner ear meaning brain. Am I so mean? I mean COME ON!! He doesn't even wear the cast because he said it hurts. What? I think the reason why it bothers me is because it all seems so inauthentic. This cold is so awful and Boris is going to TOWN smoking cigarettes outside. How does he even afford them? He doesn't work and I don't believe for 2 seconds Creepy would give him money for them. I just sneezed and peed a little bit. Then the dog came running over and jumped on me. She always does that when I sneeze. Well - okay so there you go. I have a cold, I am alive and okay and I still live in a nut house. I am going to the Snake Doctor tomorrow anyway so maybe he can help me with this. Maybe? I mean he CAN. Jeez. Okay I have this audition on Monday and now I don't know if I should go. I am going to call someone and ask them about it. WOW - I feel so GROSS but OKAY. HA - weird. I talked to my sister today and I LOVE HER SO MUCH!! Bye.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
It's 7:23 a.m. So early!! I woke up early and I couldn't get back to sleep so I just got up. I am probably up at what time I'm supposed to be waking up at!! Holy cow this cold is wicked. I drank a shitload of antioxidant tea and Immune Support tea, I took vitamin e, vitamin c, vitamin d and hot hot and sour soup with extra hot oil. My face felt so good after the hot soup!! I also found some hand sanitizer with lotion so I'm bringing that to work. I didn't realize that the cold/flu bug thrives on cold and dryness. Well that explains flu season!!! I also washed my winter coat. That should help my cold right? I don't think I will be able to travel this weekend. I have to call my sister and ask her - tell her? I shouldn't be around a newborn anyway. I'm going to pray and meditate now. I found out that vitamin e is really good for PMS. Guess who has PMS??? This is a riveting blog post. I also got myself rain/snow boots so I don't have to walk around with wet feet. That felt so good to do for myself. I ordered them from Zappos!! I have never done that before. They are super sturdy and cute and they fit!! Reviews are so helpful - I might actually write one for these. Byeee Blueberry!!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
but I am okay. THANK GOD RIGHT? Seriously - thank God. I went to that meeting last night and it was so great. I felt so much better and I left and went home and got hot and sour soup and it was soooo good. I also got chicken fingers. I left and took care of myself and thank God because I had enough time to go home, run an errand, get myself soup, clean my clothes and get myself all ready for bed. Also I realized - what's the point of being sober if I exhaust myself hanging out with people when I should be at home taking care of myself and resting. Then I get angry and that is such a waste of energy. A waste of my life force. It has been so busy here today at the boutique!! It is so hard for me to say no or even get away from people when I need to take care of myself or when I feel need coming from them. Am I really being helpful if I need to get home, take care of myself and rest but instead I hang out and then get angry about it? More than that half the time I am just curious about what is going on and that is so unhealthy. I'm so embarrassed to write that but it's true. Barf so much. Well I'm over doing that to myself thank you very much. Jesus. I wore a white sweater today and a blue bra with hot pink stars all over it. Oh - okay - no one will notice your bra. Who cares? Well so I have on a scarf from here on over my sweater. Holy fuck it's hot. Okay - so here are the 2 things Miss Jones told me I need to be careful of....1. Over stimulation. 2. Saying yes when I mean no and caring how people feel but more importantly thinking I can't say NO. I don't know if that's what she said - I'm so tired. This cold is kicking my ass kind of. I have to call Her Lady Wonder. Bye Bluebie!!
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I'm here a the boutique and it's the end of the day. It was quiet today and boring. I am trying to ween myself off of coffee and spending a million dollars on delivery food. I left today and went and got myself water which was great. I got a burger without fries and I only ate half of it. Miracles really do happen. I managed to not order anything else and I am bored out of my mind. I looked at boots online for 5 hours. I can't afford any right now and all I want to do is buy boots. I don't even NEED boots. I really don't. Do you know what I was going to do instead? Buy and orange dress and nude pumps. Um - what? So instead of spending money I can't spend on boots - I was going to spend it on a dress and shoes?? How insane is that? What the heck? Am I really going to be single forever? Is that the rest of my life? How crazy is that?? I really did the best job I cold taking care of myself yesterday and today. I went to bed - I got ready for bed, I cleaned the humidifier, I put on clean pj's, I prayed and meditated when I woke up, I took a shower and I didn't just totally stuff my face while I was here. I didn't get to walk the dog - I was running so late and honestly I would have been just as late if I walked her. She was so confused. I need hand creme. Oh I also gave myself a manicure last night. Jeez. I went to therapy and a meeting and avoided hanging out with people because I knew it would make me angry and not get enough rest. My shoulders hurt. I'm going to go now. Once again I love you Blueberry - thank you for listening.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Look at me - I'm writing!! I did the show last night at work and it was fun - I messed up a little bit but it was funny. The Mac and Cheese competition was also funny - cute - I'm so glad we did it. I didn't really win but I said I did. I made it here at the house and thank God that for most of the time they were at breakfast. As soon as they came in the house Creepy said something about vomit flying out of his mouth the first time he smelled Mac and Cheese. This is from the man who also said he got sick from tofu and chocolate and if I told you the number of times he ate cheese, tofu, and chocolate in front of me - it would be insane. I get it - sort of. What I really get is that I want to move. I made my vision board bigger - it's going to be a vision wall. The party was okay last night and I didn't go out with everyone afterwards because they all went to bars. I don't know - I guess I should ask Her Lady Wonder about that. I have the day off - I cancelled the show I was going to go to at 12:30 so I could sleep late and relax. I am having such a weird thing with a friend - so stressful. I just - it will be okay. I think I should really take a chance right now to meditate. I have to work tomorrow - lord. I gave my friend a wedding gift who got me the job at the boutique. That was good to finally do. She was funny last night. I actually have enough time I could pray/meditate/do yoga AND take a nap or go swimming. I had a dream I was swimming last night. I dreamed I breathed under water. It was a huuuuge, giant pool and I could see perfectly clearly under water - I did have on goggles but I was so surprised by how clearly I could see. I have to say what I think is really happening with my friend is very alanonic. She makes me uncomfortable and I feel like I get trapped in her disease - not her - her disease. I also can NOT sit near her at the meditation meeting. No way. She moves around and makes all these crazy nose sounding breathing noises AND unbuttons her pants AND swallows really loudly. Can you imagine trying to meditate next to that? Jesus. Getting brushed up against when I am meditating is NOT okay. Ha - maybe it is but I can't handle it. I have PMS - I just need to be careful today. I also need to figure out how to get home to see my new nephew. I am just rambling on. Bye Bluebie - I love you. I loved cooking so much yesterday and I loved banging these keys today.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Tall Not So Dark And Creepy and Boris are getting married today. The cake is gorgeous and the house is all aflutter with wedding people and wedding stuff. I am so glad I took the day off to go to this - it would have been so weird if I was in my room trying to ignore all this. So I have a cute dress and I have enough money for my bills and this week to not be working tonight. I am also going to go to another holiday party afterwards. Then I am going to come home and make Mac and Cheese for a Mac and Cheese competition at work tomorrow at another holiday party (at the comedy club) where I will also be performing. Holy cow - fun!! I haven't cooked anything in so long - I'm excited. Everyone will be at the party so it should be lots of fun. I'm having a great cup of coffee right now and my room and bathroom are all clean and I did my hair yesterday. My laundry is done and guess what else??? I FINALLY finished my new vision board!! I did it last night. It's beautiful and the whole thing is homemade. The board and everything. I'm going to add more to it but it's there up on the wall. Yes - I really like it. I went on that second audition - didn't I write about this?? The teacher who I was auditioning for laughed through my whole dramatic monologue. Um - what? He was so nice and sweet - he just thought I was funny. He class has a waiting list though - ugh. Okay then also another teacher's assistant called me while I was there and so that maybe could work out? I don't know I would have to audition for him too. I just really want to be in a class by January. So now I need to save for class and pictures. I have to go and get ready for the bus that is taking us all to the wedding. Byeeee Bluebie!!!! Happy Saturday!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
So now it is lost forever.....who knows what brilliant things I said while complaining about my life?? She gave me a bonus!!! How nice is that?? THEN she looked me up and down and I was like "Oh - sorry I don't look very good today - I couldn't really get it together." She said "Are you okay??" Then when she left she said "I hope you feel better!!" I'm not sick - I'm just tired. Jesus. I feel like a failure. Some people - like my sister - have 4 fucking kids and manage to get it together. My other sister has 2 jobs - one full time and the other - I don't know. I can't even take a shower, walk the dog and get to work on time. I was an hour late!! What? I'm so exhausted. I need q-tips. That will change everything. I don't know - I'm scared - I feel like I'm being poisoned. WHAT?? Am I serious?? I didn't get enough sleep and I went to bed late after watching too many episodes of Law and Order SVU. Jeez. I don't have a thyroid problem - I walked around in the rain with wet feet for over 3 hours - hello - I'm lucky I'm not really sick - jeez. I am seriously drama. I wonder how many times I wrote "I" on here? I need to get back to super healthy and I have to SLEEP. what is the point of doing all the stuff I do without sleep? Jeez mother fucking Louise. I have to go. I have some rage eating to do. Or not - maybe I will rage drink water. Bye Blueberry.
What the fuck am I doing? I just spent half an hour googling "Why am I so tired??" when I drink coffee all the time - never sleep enough and I eat terrible food. Okay - look - I'm not trying to beat myself up but seriously?? If my diet is not good and I am crazy drinking coffee - I'm going to feel bad. I have to pee - hold please. OH I FOUND THIS!! Not lost!! The brilliance I wrote is STILL HERE!!! Fina-fucking-ly something to be grateful for. Besides my Christmas bonus. If you read this post it makes no sense unless you read the one before it first. FUCK it feels so good to type. BYE. P.S. Last night I was trying to be creative and Tall Not So Dark And Creepy came upstairs and was - shockingly - creeping me out - so I started BLASTING Wig Wam Bam/Little Willy over and over and over again and BANGING the triangle really loudly. It felt great until the dog was freaked out. Narcissism is the most revolting disease ever. I need some rain boots - bye.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
I just looked at a year ago and I was pretty frustrated then also. Perhaps this time of year isn't so great for me. I think I will warm up once this woman comes back and buys her clutch. I am probably dehydrated for days now and also - I have just been shoving food in my face - whatever - sweets, burgers - whatever. No wonder I don't feel well and no wonder I barfed last night. It was so GREASY what I barfed up. Okay so I am going to get out of here for a little bit today and I will get to be a little creative. I said no to babysitting so that I can go to a meeting and go home and get a good night's sleep. I have everything I need right now. I am okay. I am totally okay. Yeesh. Bye.
I had a burger here yesterday and sweet potato fries near the end of the day and at 1 in the morning I woke up and was so sick. It hurt so bad. Oh my GOD why am I writing this? I couldn't believe it - it was so awful. It's raining today and I am so tired. But I'm not exhausted and I did get to take a shower. I am really in such HALT(Hungry,Angry,Lonely,Tired) and my meetings have really suffered. Okay - I already called Her Lady Wonder and I'm going to go to that audition and hopefully that will help shift things. I'm so sad and lonely. I just really can't even take that seriously. I am though. I am sinking. I just am so tired and I need to exercise and sleep without barfing. Why did I take Saturday night off from work to go to this stupid wedding? I could have gone to the wedding AND worked. I could have just gone to the wedding and come back and worked. She still didn't pay me on time for here. I won't get paid till Friday now. What is really her fucking deal with that? I don't know - it makes me sick. I really - okay - I have to calm down. I'm not going to be able to fix anything right now but I am freaking out about going to this wedding. How can I not go? Okay - I have to calm down. My schedule has been all out of whack - I just need to finish this day and go to a meeting - that's all. I should make some phone calls and try to help another alcoholic. Gross. I haven't had sex in so long - I'm shaking - I still don't feel well. I should just go. Bye Bluebie.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Jeez. I am so looking forward to not working here on Mondays. I was so totally over-stimulated last night by the time I got to therapy that my therapist said I really need to be careful about not getting over-stimulated. I was NUTS. I was shaking. I was so mad and so over tired AND - I will say it again - over-stimulated. Okay - so I got a decent night's sleep. When my alarm went off I was shocked that I slept through the night. No crazy dreams with guns and chases - no waking up in the middle of the night - I just slept. I went back to sleep after the alarm went off - so I over slept by an hour and a half. Whatever. I'm here at the store now. I am still not okay - very resentful. I am stressed about this weekend and now I am stressed out about money all of a sudden. The truth is that I don't need to be though. I really don't. Okay - I am worth more than this. Here is what happened this morning. Someone asked me to babysit tomorrow night who I told I could babysit on SUNDAYS. So instead of saying "NO" I asked what time. Which I could not get here by. Then I said tomorrow night isn't good for me and THEN I didn't hear back from them. I'm fucking 40 years old - babysit - really? I mean I love the baby - he is SO cute - so cute. They are really great parents and I want to help but I am so stressed out right now - I can't. I need a meeting tomorrow night and to be able to get home and rest for my double on Thursday. Why did I even ask what time? Why is it so hard to say no. Why did they ask me for a WEDNESDAY when I said that SUNDAYS were good for me??? See - not okay. I have another audition at that studio tomorrow and I am so nervous AND I don't have the monologue memorized AND I'm so tired I don't want to go. I feel like I'm going to get rejected. WELL SO WHAT?? Jeez. Okay - this is what I am going to do.....I am going to work on the monologue right now. This is all going to shift. It really will.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
so today has been such a crazy day. I got here more or less on time - ate, sold 2 things, went to the audition at the acting school - which was CRAZY. I was SO bad AND I cried twice. Um - what? Not during the monologue but before and after. What?? I told him I had been sober for 2 years and then I started crying. I did the monologue (TERRIBLE) and then when he asked me what it was about - I cried. During the monologue I was totally in my head and GRIPPING my emotions. Or as he said it - "completely detached from my emotions." Oh. Um - okay - awesome. I also completely forgot to bring a head shot and a resume. He asked me about my college and I couldn't remember anything. I was like - "Oh - I'm 40 - that was so long ago - I don't remember anything." What? That's like going to a job interview and being like - oh - jeez - I don't remember how to do that or who taught me how to do it but BOY do I want the job!! Oh - WOW. Then today the boutique has been busy all day - holy fuck. Last night the show was SO amazing - really, really fun. I had a great set and they were an amazing audience. I'm so HUNGRY for that again. I have to go - I need to get out of here on time so I can get to a meeting - I really need one. Bye Bluebie - I love you. I am so fucking over stimulated right now it's insane. If I were a dog I would be panting. BYEEEEE!!!!!!!!