2016.

What a year.  I'm going to say what I am grateful for and it's going to be hard.  Saying positive things is difficult for me.  I can feel my chest tighten just thinking about being positive.  It's not as hard for me to be grateful.  I am very grateful.  I guess because being grateful is going out of me and being positive about me is going in and I have trouble receiving.  One time I said to my manager at work that I was working on "receiving."  He looked at me and said "You know what?  You are fucking crazy chick you know that?"  Hahaha - oh my God.  I really thought he was going to say how impressed he was.  I am really laughing thinking about that.  Anyway.  Well I am doing good at avoiding this so far which is fun.  Wait - did I just contradict myself?  I said I want to be grateful which I can do but not be positive?  Arent they the same things?  Oh man.  WOW.  Well okay here we go.  I am so grateful I stayed sober in 2016.  It was a hard year - moving, losing my father, changing jobs 3 times, getting a new homegroup, ending a relationship with a sponsee, getting a new sponsor.  This morning I went to my women's meeting and it was so wonderful!  The anniversary meeting.  That meeting helped get me acclimated to here and start to get a sober network.  Im grateful I have a new homegroup and that I start doing service there next week.  Im grateful I learned to drive in the city this year!  I love this little town and now I have a grocery store and CVS.  What else?  The bank.  It's really for me what helps so much - knowing where these things are and being able to go to them with ease.  I love our apartment and I love living with my guy.  He's so funny and I am so grateful for that.  He laughs at me and it's the best thing in the world.  I'm even more in love with him!  Haha and I can tell theres quite a few women in our group that are too!  That's okay - its so cute.  I am really grateful my career has grown a little bit.  It's so slow but it has happened.  My family.  My friends.  My friends in sobriety and my friends spread out around the world.  Isn't life amazing?  Today I can see how lucky I am because I am in my life.  I have been given this gift of sobriety and to be able to LIVE sober.  I don't ever have to sit alone dumping booze down my throat, dry humping a radiator.  I mean I can still dry hump the radiator I guess if I WANT to and from a not shameful place.  I can do it from a place of power!  LOOK AT ME - I AM DRY HUMPING A RADIATOR AND I FEEL GOOD!!!!  Okay the guy is going to be home soon.  Gotta go get ready for 2017.  Going to clean and go for a walk and get my office a little more put together and do some writing.  Yes.  Yes!  I am grateful I am jogging.  Or whatever it is called that I do.  Today I just feel grateful and I am not kidding - for that I am grateful.  I hope I don't lose that.  It is really the keys to the Kingdom.  Did someone slip me some Molly?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!  HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

CONFIDENCE

That's what I want in 2017.  I am reading a book by Deepak Choprah - my Lord and Savior - and he says, in it, to write down everything you want.  Did I say this already?  It's called "The Fulfillment of Spontaneous Desire."  I think.  Oh my God!  What is it called?  Hold on.  YES - yes that's what its called.  Okay so I did that.  Now I am doing it more and I want some fucking confidence.  It is so fucking elusive to me.  How on earth can anyone get anywhere without it?  There are so many actors and comedians who STINK and they are SO CONFIDENT!  WOW.  I mean maybe they don't stink maybe they just stink to me.  SEE!???  I cant even just confidently say someone stinks when THEY STINK.  Ugh - okay.  Ooooookaaaay.  I have to get ready just blew my mind when I realized that.  I was going to write about how I realized we heal - how that is such a huge part of recovery and how I have forgotten that.  I think I just thought I was broken forever - you know?  But we heal.  Our feelings heal, our bodies heal - things heal.  Life heals.  UGH.  I guess my CONFIDENCE CAN HEAL!!!   Heeyaaaaa.  Bye.

If Feelings Were Made of Chocolate I Would Still Eat Them

All that dram and then we get to the farm and my mother wasn't that sick and everything was fine.  Or as fine as any holiday can ever be with a whole shitload of family.  It was so nice though and my mother was so happy we were there.  I cooked for TWO days while my sister bossed me around which was SO FUN.  Ha.  My other sister TRIED to boss me around but I gently and calmly asked her to go relax.  The food was fucking amazing THANK GOD and we had a great although super sad Christmas.  My brother made this - I don't know what you call it - a frame thing that has my father's American flag that they gave my mother at his funeral and all his medals and whatever those things are called that he wore on his uniform.. And a picture of him SO YOUNG in his first uniform from the service!  Holy shit it made my mother cry and you know it's hard to imagine - she's not a huge crier.  I cry ALL THE FUCKING TIME.  She cries but she - she keeps it together.  Man - she is one strong lady.  She is truly a woman of grace and dignity.  I don't even know how she does it.  Its pretty fucking inspiring.  I was rubbing the roast for dinner last night with this garlic pepper rub that I made and she asked me how it was going.  I said "It's pretty fucking disgusting but I'm doing it!"  She was like "Oh - you really have a poetic way of putting things."  Haha - maybe I should try to not curse so fucking much in 2017.  I can't help it - I just love it.  It really punches up a conversation and TRULY gets a point across.  For me - for me.  So anyway - yeah.  Okay the guy is going to be back soon.  Get to spend a late afternoon with him.  He was such wonderful company over the holiday.  He's a woman of grace and dignity too.  Unreal.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.  Oh!  ps - I ate my feelings all weekend and then I felt sick.  It looks like I am going to go ahead and have to learn how to just FEEL THEM.  Maybe.  Maybe.

Hard Christmas.

My mother is sick. I mean I think she just doesn't feel well but it's so scary and I just can't imagine how she is feeling. Without her husband at Christmas for the first time in 55 years. My crazy sister is being crazy and of course it makes everything harder. I just MISS my father. It just sucks. 2 of my friends that always sent Christmas cards didn't send them. They are both people who I made amends to but it always seems like they are mad at me and I never send them Christmas cards. I don't know - I'm kind of spiraling down. I'm so grateful for my guy but I'm so sad we don't have any money. I can't get him anything for Christmas. You know what? I just don't feel well. I came into the city for therapy and all the e tea people because of the holiday made it harder. I'm just upset and probably feeling too much for myself. I need some water too. Okay well - this has been a sad sack of a check in. Happy Christmas Blog O My Heart.

Bored.

I'm just a little bored at the moment.  Waiting to go to an alanon meeting which I dare say isn't going to be less boring BUT I will feel better afterwards.  I am trying to get babysitting jobs and WOW - so tricky.  People don't want to pay much at all but they want A LOT.  I swear to God some of these ads say something like this "We need a part-time sitter with their own car willing to drive our kids from school to after school activities, make them dinner, do the dishes, do laundry, make sure the kids rooms are clean, help them with homework, take out the dogs, take care of the cats, read to them before bed - help with meal prep and they LOVE arts & crafts and outdoor activities!!  Pays $10-$12 an hour."  Um - what?  I don't even do all that for MYSELF.  Jesus.  Well anyway - oh and they always have 3 kids.  Lol!  Why would you WANT someone to watch your kids for $10 an hour?  What lunatic would do that?  Me in 3 weeks when I can't get anyone to pay me what I'm looking for.  Oye - anyway.  Oh well - the people I talked to today were really nice - I really liked the woman - she was goofy and funny.  Oh my God - I am so tired and it's only 6:32.  I swear to God I drank like 7 cups of coffee today.  I'm going to have to cut back - I don't even think it WORKS anymore.  Gotta go.  I miss my father - it's so sad and surreal he's not around.  It just seems like he went to the store.  It happened so fast.  Aw.  Ugh - love you Bluebie bye.

The Never Ending Layers of Fucking Onion.

I mean - listen - my mind is kind of blown.  I do NOT know how to make money!  I don't.  What's worse is a lot of the time - I DONT EVEN FUCKING CARE.  I don't care until I have to wear ugly ass clothes and then guess what - I CARE.  Wow - that's the level of my depth concerning finances.  Clothes.  Jesus Christ.  Now the guy is super stressed and worried about money but okay - wait.  Wait.  That's not even it.  I deserve to make money.  I deserve to make money doing something I love and something I'm good at.  This is a real thing.  I don't know what I'm trying to say - I'm so embarrassed that I have so many fucking problems.  I'm just in my own way all the time.  What is this life lesson?  Why do I need to learn this?  What the fuck was I in another life?  UGH - I'm being so hard an myself and FOR WHAT?  I just need a job.  I need a job that can pay my bills while I pursue my passions.  That's all.  That's it.  It feels not right.  Why?  Oh because I DONT WANT TO WORK.  That's why.  I'm fucking tired.  I'm tired and OLD.  I'm not that old but I'm definitely TIRED.  But I cant just be apathetic about money.  I cant just drive my guy into the ground.  I'm an adult and it's not sober to not take care of myself or my life.  It just isn't.  There has to be balance.  It's also hurting the relationship.  Okay and - okay.  I'm so tired.  I need to go to an alanon meeting and I need to take a shower.  SELF-CARE.  IT'S ALL ABOUT SELF-CARE.  Right now my idea of self-care is going to bed even though it's only 5:30.  I'm going to ignore that instinct.  I should ignore all my instincts.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Pain Is Hard But Discomfort Is Excrutiating.

I forgot to say what a nice weekend I had with the guy.  We went to see my family.  I cooked and he played with my nephew.  Then my nephew got bored of him and we made brownies.  It was so sweet.  Beyond sweet.  So nice to see everyone - laugh.  Ah.  I miss my father so much.  I just can not fucking believe it still.  His coats are still hanging by the kitchen door - thank God - and they smell like him.  Isn't that amazing?  I mean he's gone but he's still there.  And we are all there.  So I guess he's not totally gone.  He always smelled like a farmer.  There were a few times growing up where he really smelled like sheep - A LOT - and I was like holy fuck pull it together man.  That's too much.  Anyway so it's sad.  It's uncomfortable.  We did out podcast last night and did the show.  It was great except the part where everyone was ripping on white people and I was the only white person.  Ha!  Whatever it was funny.  Well one girl wasn't funny.  She was at first but then her hate made her not funny.  It's sad and I do it too.  Whenever I talk about Cunty Buns on stage it's not funny because I still hate her.  You can't just hate - there has to be some love in it or the audience doesn't like it.  Well anyway so I was uncomfortable driving home and at the show.  It had nothing to do with the show - I was uncomfortable before I go there.  I can't stand being uncomfortable and that's life.  I feel like it's life in sobriety.  Normal people know how to be uncomfortable.  Alcoholics don't or at least that's how I see it.  I can't stand things too good, too bad, too off, too on - I can't take FEELINGS.  And discomfort is excruciating.  Being present is excruciating.  Well anyway....so I'm uncomfortable today.  But it's sunny and I have things to do.  I got to pray and meditate.  I learned that mantra means mind instrument and it's helping my meditating so much.  Or it's helping anyway.  It blew my mind when I learned it.  Helped me to understand why there even IS a mantra in meditation.  Okay gotta go love you Bluebie bye.

Another Day.

Today is another day.  Yesterday wasn't so bad - I was in the city for an audition and a seminar and I had a long wait in between the two things which was difficult because it's cold now.  I sat in a diner - I shouldn't have spent the money but - well - I did.  I went to a meeting and saw a woman who is doing really well.  It's amazing to see the program working - it's absolutely beautiful and just astonishing.  Seeing someone heal - it's just mind blowing.  I'm so happy for her.  And she's really being of service too.  I have to say that is one of the most amazing things about the city - meetings ALL the time.  I guess if I really wanted to I could spend all my time waiting between things in meetings.  I guess it would really be nice to actually be able to do something - like write.  I need to go to the library.  I could also bring my computer!  Yes.  So anyway - today is a new day and I'm indoors.  I got to meditate for a long time this morning and now I'm having tea.  I just did the dishes after I made myself some eggs and that just feels glorious to me.  I love being at home.  Oh my mind is all over the place.  I have a show tonight and we are doing our podcast first.  Good fucking LORD I am in my head.  I had a lot of cheese and pasta - well mostly cheese over the weekend and seriously - I think it gives me brain fog.  I felt like I was high yesterday until like 5:30 at night.  I still kind of feel that way although meditating helped and I am about to exercise which should also shake out my head.  Oh it's so not worth it.  It's like having a hang over 3 days later.  I am now at a stage of life where I am SO POORLY effected by CHEESE.  No not cigarettes - CHEESE.  Oh jeez I don't know what it is but anyway man am I sensitive.  Okay I am stalling.  I don't want to exercise but I must.  It's part of my job to be in mediocre shape.  Ha!  Ugh.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

The Misunderstanding of My Perception

That is what is so fucked up about being an alcoholic.  My perception completely and utterly sucks sometimes.  It fucking stinks.  I guess I misunderstood what the guy was saying and not only that I had decided in my head a whole new plan to the life we have planned together and all of it sucked.  sucked hard in a really not sexy, not productive, not loving way.  My brain can really just blow sometimes.  This is why in the program there is the saying "Restraint of pen and tongue."  That means shut the fuck up because you think he said go fuck yourself when he really said we need to talk about some things and make some adjustments.  I heard "go fuck yourself" so I was like "GO FUCK YOURSELF I'M GETTING A DIFFERENT JOB FORGETTING MY DREAMS BECOMING A DIFFERENT PERSON BUYING AN ISLAND AND LEAVING YOU!!!!!!"  Right.  RIGHT.  So not only is my perception off I hear shit wrong too.  I can't even deal with myself right now.  I just watched Under The Tuscan Sun and cried through the whole thing.  I guess I needed to cry.  A lot.  I also realized that I think I watched that movie when I was still drinking because I remember parts of it and the ending but not al of it and it took me half the movie to realize I had seen it before.  Good fucking Lord.  Yeah.  Yeah I was definitely drunk when I watched that movie.  I watched that entire movie Adaptation coming in and out of a black out.  It's been 13 years - I should give it a go again.  I only remember Meryl Streep tripping and trying to brush her teeth.  I was so fascinated by how well she was acting that.  I was how the fuck does Meryl Streep now how tripping feels SO much??  She seemed so much older and I know she has 4 kids so I was like when the fuck has she found time to TRIP??  Good Lord.  Okay  I have to go.  I think I'm going to watch Friends now.  It really takes me out of myself and it's such a relief.  I'm going to leave the house tomorrow bye.

Disaster.

I'm a complete and utter disaster.  I have been crying all day.  I am out of money and I am so heart broken that I couldn't make the money he gave me last longer and that I didn't get anywhere in this 4 months.  I spent 3.5 hours this morning trying to figure out about my health insurance.  It was mortifying to say I'm not working.  Then after all of that - I still don't know if I have it.  I am so sad about my father also.  The whole thing - the holidays - how are we going to buy the kids presents?  they don't need anything but still.  I just - I'm so fucking depressed.  I haven't felt like this in years.  I haven't left the house or gotten out of my pajamas.  I didn't even open the blinds.  I feel horrible.  I'm - I just can't believe this.  I just didn't think after 4 months he would say forget it - get a job this isn't working.  It happens though right?  I have seen stores open in the city and 3 months later they are gone.  It's just heart breaking.  I feel like such a pussy - oh wah my guy wont keep giving me money so I don't have to work.  I know that's ridiculous - its not that.  Its that I really started to get good and get some momentum.  Its all that hard work for nothing or at least that's what I'm telling myself.  I don't know - I don't feel good.  I don't have to leave the house who cares.  I applied for a job and I signed up for a babysitting service.  I can work it's okay.  I'm just so confused.  I just don't want to talk to him either.  It feels crazy.  It's all me though I know it is.  I have my period, it's the holidays, my father died and I'm out of money.  I'm sitting up right now on the edge of the couch and honestly - it's exhausting.  I'm not trying to book any shows or do anything.  What's the point?  Why am I thinking like this right now?  I'm so filled with shame and humiliation - it's crazy.  I am a complete and utter mess.  Maybe I should just watch a movie.  I never even made the bed.  Okay - man.  I am not a sign of any kind of hope.  Maybe I have officially lost my mind.  Is it just hormonal?  I hope it's hormonal then it will change.  Okay bye. ps I just read this and it seems I am feeling incredibly sorry for myself.  Well I guess that feels right and now I'm going to lay down and think about it.  Bye.

Oh boy.

Well I'm a hot mess.  I woke up, prayed & meditated and cried while I was doing it.  I'm out of money and I feel like a loser.  I feel like everything is going to fall apart that I have worked so hard for these last 4 months.  Also - you know I didn't realize how resentful the guy was.  Is.  Im just sort of shell shocked.  I feel like I have to have a lot of faith and trust right now and I have t say - not my strong suit.  Freaking out and being miserable is my strong suit.  I did an audition yesterday - it took me 3 hours to do it - between getting ready, working on it and getting it on tape - right?  Guess what?  NO ONE HAS WATCHED IT.  Maybe that's not so crazy......but still - well if they don't watch it I can ask about it.  I just feel like maybe I should have gone to the live audition.  Well guess what?  It doesn't matter now.  I need to let go.  I am going to practice 3 things today.....letting go, being nice to myself and having faith.  It was excruciating to even write that.  EXCRUCIATING.  Jesus Christ.  I'm so in my head.  I'm just going to breathe.  All I can do is keep it in the day and do what I can do today.  I have to write something for our podcast right now.  Then I need to get ready.  Just keep doing the next right , kind thing for myself.  My stomach is bothering me like I have forgotten something.  I forgot to go back to bed.  I'm terrified.  I'm really fucking freaking out that I am going to have to go waitress again or something equally as soul sucking.  This probably isn't helpful.  I cant stand feeling this way but it will change.  It has to - things and feelings always do.  It's just a hard time.  I feel so far away from my mother.  She feels so far away.  Oh man I am a hot mess.  I am glad I am going into the city today - I do NOT need to sit here and think about myself anymore - good fucking LORD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

PMS = (Chaos x Feelings) + Rage

OH MAN.  I have had pms for what feels like 3 weeks and it is SO GREAT.  I am having a blast!  Last night my guy said he wanted to have a talk then confronted me about something and then WE HAD AN EPIC fight.  Oh man - I don't think we have had fight like that since I moved in a year ago AND it was one year ago yesterday - or really a day or two ago that I moved in.  That being said I love it here.  I love him.  I'm in deep!  But holy shit - that was awful last night.  I had an emotional hang over today.  I was so overly sensitive and it just occurred to me tonight that being sensitive sometimes for me is a reflection of not feeling well.  I'm always sensitive but it's worse when I don't feel well.  He just thought I was fucking around with my career - that I had no direction or plan.  It's all so complicated.  I don't know.  He was hurt and my feelings were hurt.  I didn't realize he was feeling that way.  I think he felt left out too - that always stinks.  It's the worst to feel left out.  Oh God - I swear this is what's hard about relationships.  The communication and the taking care of it, ourselves and each other.  It's so intense!  Throw in issues, childhoods and pms - good fucking LORD - its amazing anyone gets out alive.  I can tell you this dear blog - I am so fucking glad I have gone to therapy for all these years.  That shit is helping me beyond.  Okay now on to part 2 of this episode.....so tonight I went to pick up my dry cleaning right?  When I dropped off my dry cleaning I realized that I used to take an acting class in this town - when I was still drinking and I used to go to the train station to get to the class.  Tonight I parked and I saw the gazebo and realized I had rehearsed there with my scene partner.  I loved that class!  I loved the town mostly though.  It is the cutest little town.  I don't know - its just so weird - so full circle.  It's the town right by mine and yes it is completely insane that I have lived here a year without realizing it was the same place.  No - I knew it was the same place I think I thought it was a different area?  I don't know - I just didn't connect the dots.  I don't know.  Anyway.  I had a fun day of sifting through my emotions.  I do love coming home to here though - so much.  I love my guy.  Blah blah - love you Bluebie byeee.

So busy.

We went home last week for Thanksgiving and then I spent 3 days selling trees. It was so sad without my father - so confusing and a little stressful figuring it all out. But we did it and we did s good job. I think. Just now we did our podcast and I had class before that. I knocked it out of the park in class - it was awesome.  The podcast was great too. I have 2 shows tomorrow night and I'm going to drive so hopefully that will make going home late at night a little more mellow. I'm starving. So anyway- it was a great day and I'm trying to enjoy myself while I get to do all of this. No wait - let me rephrase that - I AM enjoying myself and loving being able to do all of this without being completely exhausted.  My work is so much better. Infinitely better. I'm not going to be in class for December - I can't afford it. Im going to have to see about January. I'm so busy! I have so much to do. I'm as grateful as ever to be sober. Oh I need a meeting to
Orrow. Gotta go - love you Bluebie bye.

Late Night

It's 1:02 am and I'm sitting on the train waiting for it to take me home.  I had a spot at 11:50. I had to wait 2 hours to go up and it was totally worth it. So much fun!  The crowd was great and I have a new joke. I mean I thought of a new joke up there. Holy fuck someone sat behind me just now and started to eat what smelled like mashed potatoes and meatloaf.  I had to move!! The smell of it was making me starving but the sound of him mushing food in his mouth right behind my head was so fucking disgusting I literally got up and moved 5 seats away. As I moved I saw he was eating a fucking everything bagel with cream cheese. He's hot tooo. But not to me and never again. If I dated him I would only hear and smell that fucking bagel for the rest of my life.  I think the part that shows growth is that I got up and moved. Yay!! I didn't just give him dirty looks and shame his bagel chewing!! Yayyyy!! I moved! I didn't even give him a dirty look them! If I had 5 dollars I would have stopped for a falafel! But I only had 4 dollars so I had cheetos. This is riveting. Well so I just wanted to write and say hi. Hi. I had so much fun tonight.  I'm so grateful. The whole day was creative. Class, out our podcast and a show. Great stuff.  Holy shit now I'm tired. Oh I'm getting sad about Thanksgiving and not seeing my dad. So barf. Love you Bluebie bye.

Okay It's Winter.

2 days ago it was 60 degrees and sunny - now it's overcast and 35 degrees and I want to go to bed for 5 months.  I can't focus.  Okay but OKAY.  Here's what I am doing though.  I am being NICE to myself.  I can only do a little bit at a time.  I can only do what I can do.  I wake up and I take care of myself.  I am present in my life and being creative.  There we go.  Alright.  I started to write a bunch of shit that wasn't nice about myself and then I DELETED IT.  What's the fucking point?  I've had a lifetime of beating myself up - I'm over it.  OKAY.  So here's what I learned in the land of recovery this week.  That it's no one's fault.  Ugh I don't even feel like getting into what I even mean.  Holy shit I'm tired.  This is what I mean.  I have these wounds right - let's say from childhood or wherever right?  Well - it doesn't matter who caused them or why because now I am left with them.  SO HOW AM I GOING TO HEAL?  Why am I yelling?  Ugh - this is what I am trying to say...Okay maybe it does matter who and why and all that but ultimately - I'm the one left with the healing and I need to heal.  You know what I just realized?  I might be getting this all wrong.  No - no I don't think so.  Recovery comes from responsibility right?  So I am responsible for my stuff and my feelings and my wounds.  Good Lord.  So.  SO THAT SUCKS HUH!?  Haha - I'm just kidding I think.  Anyway - that kind of blew my mind this week.  I mean I knew already that it's ridiculous to be an asshole to someone on the subway and blame it on my first grade teacher.  But still - to fully take responsibility for my feelings, to no longer be a victim because I am the one responsible for this stuff now.  Wow - mind blowing.  I have no idea why I am writing this.  Do I say that ALL THE TIME?  I need to take a hot shower and by some cake pans.  Loooove you Bleubie byeee!

A Moment To Reflect Positively.

I'm not sure but I don't think I often do this.  Take a moment to recognize how much things have changed in a positive way.  As I type this I am thinking NOOOOOOOO - but - it's true.  Today would have been my 11th wedding anniversary.  but it's not because I was lucky enough to have that marriage not work out.  Now I am in love with a beautiful, kind man who loves the person I really am.  How lucky am I?  I was in such a crazy place 11 years ago.  It could have worked!  It could have been wonderful but it wasn't meant to be.  It was a rebound.  It was an impulse and a thought and it wasn't truly from my heart.  I feel like that's the difference for everything.  Is it from my heart?  Yes?  Okay go for it.  Otherwise - maybe stop and reaaaally think about it - hard.  Now I live with the this guy and I'm SOBER.  I'm not destroying myself on a daily basis with drugs and alcohol.  How amazing is that?  I don't know.  I don't want to write to much about how much things have changed but they have and I'm so grateful.  Lately I have been trying to tell myself when I regret the past and get in my head about how "That never would have happened if that hadn't happened and then that wouldn't had happened and if I only could have...."  I tell myself that everything happened exactly the way it was supposed to.  That everything was EXACTY the way is was meant to be.  You know I never think this but I hope that he's okay my ex-husband.  I mean he wasn't really a husband - we didn't even fucking know each other.  We were both in pain and trying to fling ourselves into another reality of life.  Ugh.  It's so crazy.  Well.  So.  It's raining right now.  A lot.  It's still early - 10:18 in the morning.  I slept okay last night.  I had crazy dreams about animals and this one adorable kitten.  I think I am just writing on here still because I don't want to do my yoga, get ready and figure out how to navigate this weather.  OKAY.  I CAN DO THIS!!  Right?  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Self-Destruction.

I am sliding away.  I am so self-destructive right now.  My thoughts are so negative and I am not being nice to the guy.  He starts eating nuts and I want to stab myself and move to Africa.  I have such a short fuse - it's horrifying.  This whole thing with my sponsee - she isn't even really - is killing me.  My sponsor said this relationship is supposed to help me too and it isn't.  It hasn't for a long time.  So now I need to do something for myself and I just can't wrap my brain around that.  I feel like I am letting her down although honestly and truly I don't feel like I am helping her - not with sobriety.  It's horrible.  I am up against myself and I don't think I like myself very much right now.  You know - I don't even think she is thinking about this - at all.  I am tortured and she's just ignoring my phone call and living her life.  It's a beautiful day.  We just went jogging.  I don't feel as sick to my stomach - I think my hormones might be regulating a little bit.  We are going to my Mom's today and I'm so sad my father wont be there.  Oh God - I'm just so fucking heart-broken right now about him.  I don't know - I feel so sad I didn't spend more time there over the Summer.  Whatever - I'm grieving and its so fucking painful.  The farm.  Last year we didn't get a tree from there.  Ugh I feel like throwing up.  Of course its sad.  All the big holidays are coming up.  My crazy sister is there right now with my mother pretending like she loves her like crazy all of a sudden.  I don't know - maybe she does.  Maybe she thinks she does.  I guess its never too late in life but it just feels disingenuous and exhausting.  Please God and Blog - help me to be kind today and loving.  For myself and my mother.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I need french fries and other lies I tel myself.

I am at the moment obsessing over French fries.  It feels like the only thing I need in my life is French fries and I am fairly convinced that this is true.  That's it.  There must be something chemically happening to me right now that only French fries can help.  Why does it keep capitalizing French - it's so fucking annoying.  Alright well and something else I'm telling myself that isn't true - you know what - no - no I am not writing it down.  I'm not putting it out to the Universe - fuck that.  I really don't feel great still and I am having a lot of negative thoughts.  My stomach is bothering me.  I called that sponsee and she never called me back.  I called her again today and said we really need to talk and nothing.  Yeesh.  Well it's okay.  It doesn't FEEL okay but I really do think it will be okay.  I am triggered.  I had that weird show this week - did I write about it already?  I just feel tortured that's all - and I'm not having any fun.  OMG!!  SEE?  I'm just fucking negative.  I'm tired and it's okay.  The guy helped someone move today and I went to my ladies meeting and then went to breakfast with them.  It was so nice.  I'm going to lay down.  Lay down and wish I was a different person.  Just on the inside.  Just where it really counts.  No - I don't wish I was a different person - right?  Is this the part where I take a nap and wake up a different person?  Well if I do I hope they fart less that's all I have to say.  GROSS.  Hahahahahaaaa - Im not really laughing.  French fries.  Cheese fries.  Bacon.  Cellulite.  YES.  I WANT ALL OF THAT.  Bye.

New Day.

Well it's another day.  I got to wake up sober, pray, meditate and write in my journal.  It makes me happy, it make me feel better.  It's sunny out.  Not much has changed and people are raging but life goes on.  I'm confused which my therapist says happens because I'm angry.  Which is odd that I would have to deflect my anger - I'm always angry and I feel very in touch with that!  I have realized that I have such a sense of deprivation.  Deprivation, shame, humiliation and lack.  Wait - is there more?  Look it sounds like I'm cutting myself with these words but I'm not or at least I don't think I am.  I am just so aware of it - them.  I think when I get PMS these baseline feelings become magnified and then I get enraged but I don't know why.  I mean I don't know why I am enraged.  I swear this is me working something out and not just beating myself up.  Or I am just jerking off to my own misery?  I don't think so.  I think that these baseline feelings are what get in my way a lot.  And yesterday I felt very in my own way until I started to talk nicely to myself.  So I think a huge part of why I am in my own way is the negative self-talk.  Okay.  So.  SO.  What would I think if I was reading this?  What would I get from this writer?  I'm going to re-read one sec.  Okay I re-read, then I paused and closed my eyes for a second and then re-read again.  It reads to me as someone who is digging and looking at difficult things and trying to get to the core of their suffering.  Am I completely full of shit right now?  Am I just dancing around the fact I don't feel well?  I have no fucking idea.  Or maybe I do.  Maybe I just want to type and write something because the sheer act of just moving my fingers along the keys gives me pleasure.  I feel better.  Or I feel good I should say.  It's cathartic.  So.  So hmmm.  Well I have a rehearsal today and a show tonight.  I just want to do my best today and be kind to myself.  Just keep it in the day.  I'm exhausted.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Shit Sandwich.

Well - holy fuck.  Trump is President and I only left the house today to go to Wendy's.  I just couldn't take anything that's all.  I haven't gone to a meeting in 3 days now either.  Oh I have to call my alanon sponsor in the morning.  I'm a mess.  I'm burnt out and tired.  Plus my guy is so stressed out about money.  Or he is and then he isn't and then he really is.  It's so fucking stressful.  I just feel gross.  I guess sometimes I just don't want to leave the fucking house and that's okay.  I exercised - jogged on the treadmill, did some yoga.  I watched 5 episodes of Friends.  Ugh - I don't know.  I got up early yesterday morning and drove into the city and voted for Hillary.  I wanted to be part of that History in the making.  Now it just feels horrible.  Who knows - maybe he will somehow become a magical President.  I'm so tired.  I went to sleep so late last night and kept waking up every hour.  I'm not sure how this is all going to work out.  I mean listen (I'm not talking about the election anymore) I'm going to have to go back to work in a couple of months.  And honestly - well - I don't know - it's so EXHAUSTING working and never getting paid.  I just put out and never get back.  I don't think I can even take the class anymore.  I feel such pressure from the guy - he's like - UGH - why am I writing about this?  Forget it - this is a sad day and I already have PMS and I'm not feeling good.  It's been rough year.  This is the thing.  I'm tired.  I'm old.  I don't have the same energy anymore - at all.  I really, really really don't know if I'm going in the right direction or doing the right thing.  I like being at home.  I like being creative.  I missed my calling as a housewife.  Well - well so what if I have missed my calling.  I can still be happy.  I can still contribute to the world.  I just need so much time alone sometimes.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  I'm sad and tired.  I am super grateful though that politics do not come into play as far as the program goes.  What a relief.  My father would have been so happy Trump won.  He really would have.  I said that to my mother and she burst out laughing and then said "Well I didn't vote for him!"  I DONT KNOW WHO DID!!!  Who the fuck are those people?  DO I KNOW any of them?  What the fuck?  I have a show tomorrow night and man do I not want to go.  All of this is reminding me of 9/11.  I did a show after 9/11 and there were all these fire fighters in the back - all dressed in their gear.  I bombed.  I bombed so fucking hard.  I was so sad, so in shock.  I was frozen.  I just didn't know how to ever be funny again.  Then Kurt Metzger got up and killed.  I never felt like I could ever get my comedy back after that and it was 15 fucking years ago.  What am I doing?  But as I write that it feels self-destructive.  It feels bad.  It feels like I am cutting myself asking that.  I'm trying to do what I love.  Maybe it's time to change it into something else and that's fine.  You know what else?  It's fine if I'm lost.  You know what has happened along the way of me being lost?  I've become an awesome actress and I realized I'm great on the radio.  Those are wonderful things.  Also I'm sober and I don't hump radiators by myself anymore while I'm wasted out of my mind.  Growth.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tired.

I'm lethargic.  I think.  I don't know what I am really.  Sad.  It's cold and I wasn't able to exercise as much this week and it's crazy how much that helps.  Well.  But - I have.  I'm trying to not beat myself up and I'm finding it almost impossible.  I'm so upset about a sponsee I have - my new sponsor has suggested STRONGLY that we now longer work together and it's so sad.  Another ending?  Another big change?  It seems like to much.  That being said I think she's right and I do think it's effecting my sobriety - the relationship.  Or something is.  My drinking and drugging dreams are out of control.  In the dreams I'm not even trying to not do drugs and drink, I'm just full on doing it and full on being a mess.  It's horrible.  I think this sponsee has been drinking or something.  I've smelled things on her breath.  It's so sad.  This whole year has been so much change and right now today it feels exhausting.  You know - I just had a conversation with my sister and she asked me if I feel responsible and I said yes.  That's too much.  Not her asking - me feeling that way.  This is going to be okay - I can talk to this woman, and take care of myself.  That is what my mind is saying but the other part of me is flipping the fuck out.  I am so scared.  I feel like this is just so awful.  Am I confused?  Maybe I should meditate right now - I didn't have a chance this morning.  You know - I think I am going to do that.  What kind of relationship am I having with someone if I cant even talk to them?  One that isn't working for me.  I'm so afraid and I can't fucking stand it.  It's now okay.  This feels old.  Way back.  Fine.  Okay I'm going to meditate.  Thank you for listening.  Man - who the fuck has time for this?  It will be okay.  Everything will be okay.  Love you Bluebie bye.

DiscOmboBULated.

Oye!  Good lord - well I am better than I was last Saturday.  We got up prayed & meditated and went for a jog.  The neighbor is blow-drying his driveway but it's not bothering me as much so THAT'S NICE.  Weird.  I was busy this week - 2 podcasts, 3 auditions, 4 shows and class?  Hold on I am going to fact check myself.  Yeah 4 shows.  Oh man but today I am out of sorts.  When am I not out of sorts.  Sometimes.  Sometimes.  The guy is in the shower and we are going to drive upstate and see the foliage and maybe buy a pumpkin.  I want a dog so bad.  A puppy just ran over and jumped in my arms as I was walking back to the house.  Holy fuck it was the cutest thing ever.  Well I am just going to be patient at that - we really can't afford it right now.  Something is happening with me - in myself.  I'm changing.  Some sort of shift is taking place.  I'm not sure what it is but I do feel like I am opening up somehow.  I feel like I am coming back to myself somehow.  What am I talking about?  Who knows!?  Who cares!?  It feels great!  So.  So what else?  I don't know - maybe I just wanted to sit here and type.  I have been writing more since I have been doing more shows.  I have been reading different books by female comedians and now I want to write a book.  Or something - or a lot of things.  Yeah - I want to write more.  It's so strange about comedy.  Stand-up.  It's such a bizarre world and I love it but I have something else in me too.  I just don't know.  I just need to keep going.  That's all - keep going.  Okay I have to work on something for my class.  Loooove you Bluebie bye!

PMS - The Prison That Hormones Built.

I saw an episode of Law & Order SVU where some chick claimed that her PMS made her kill her boyfriend.  Or I don't really remember exactly - maybe it was her landlord or her super - maybe it was some dickhead that worked at a deli.  Either way - that was her claim and her claim was WORKING until good old detective Olivia Benson did some research and found out this woman's cycle didn't quite add up and if she really did have this version of "killer PMS" her symptoms would have not been enflamed during the day of the murder.  I forgot what the version of PMS it was called.  Anyway so this chick went to jail but I left the episode feeling like "Wow - it could have gotten that chick off of a MURDER WRAP?  RAP?  however you spell it?"  So then - what the fuck!  What is my point?  I have PMS right now and I feel like I have been run OVER by it.  I am so sad, hormonal and dark.  I can't get out of myself.  I gained 5 pounds this week and I have been exercising EVERYDAY.  I'm so very uncomfortable in my body.  My boobs hurt, my stomach hurts, and I'm so emotional.  I can't stop crying.  Yesterday on metro-north I accidentally stepped on some man as the train took off and he YELPED when I did it.  I guess I really stepped and fell over on him.  As I passed him by to get into the seat I SAW HIS CANE.  I fell on a handicapped man and made him yelp.  I almost started to hysterically start crying.  Instead I just looked out the window and cried a little bit to myself.  Can you imagine some bloated woman stepping on you - making you yelp and then hysterically crying and saying sorry?  I WOULD BE SO FUCKING ANNOYED.  Please - dear God - that's too much.  I asked if he was okay right after it happened and he said yes.  Anyway so I don't feel great at all.  I am home on the couch.  The guy left me alone because I just need to be alone.  Im not good around people when Im like this.  I wonder why it is so bad this time?  I started taking Royal Jelly in hopes it would help me and maybe it will.  Maybe it just hasn't had enough time to work.  I would really like to get a grip on this and I thought I had on some level?  I can't operate through life this was - it's like I really have to go into hiding 5 days before my period.  I mean that just isn't possible.  And even if it was - it seems so not functional.  Alright.  Well this has been good.  Right?  Why do I have to be an alcoholic and have PMS?  Doesn't that seem like too much?  I never ask those questions - or maybe I do and I just don't remember.  Alcoholism brought me closer to God.  PMS makes me INSANE.  It's a viable MUREDER excuse!  Plea?  Whatever.  I can't think straight.  OKAY.  I'm exhausted.  Thank you for listening.  Love you Bluebie bye. 

Hi.

So it's Wednesday - you probably know that or don't care - either way that's what day it is.  I am at home - working here today in my office.  I love being in here except that horrible neighbor is blow-drying his yard right now.  Man that guy creeps me out.  Not in like a perverted way but in a dark way.  I get it - I was dark.  I walked by his car today and it gave me the willlies.  Sooooooo.  So anyway - what am I doing?  I'm trying to work on something I'm writing so of course now I am writing on here.  Ha.  We did our podcast last night - it was so fun.  Man - that really gets me out of my head.  I started class again last night and there were 30 people in the class!  Oh my God!  And of course - I am not kidding you - I sit next to the one woman who is obsessively putting gum in her mouth, chewing it - spitting it out and then eating another one.  She also slowly and LOUDLY unwrapped each silver wrapped piece of it and then folded it slowly into her mouth.  Honest to God - rage.  It just flooded me inside with rage.  Not just because I have a sound problem but because it was DARK except ONSTAGE where someone was trying to POUR THEIR HEART out and she's the OBLY ONE MAKING NOISE.  After one piece I was llike okay, two pieces - OKAY - 3 pieces??  ARE YOU KIDDIING ME??  4 pieces and now we are to a completely different actor and when the lights went down I had to put my head back, take a deep breath and remind myself to NEVER SIT NEXT TO THIS WOMAN.  She also has no body awareness and drinks loudly out of her bottle of water.  Oh wow - I don't even remember anything from the class but that.  HA.  HA in a REALLY ANNOYED WAY.  I'm pretty sure she is on my team because she often has alcohol on her breath which is super sad.  I know that game too.  I used to get high and be so high that I couldn't smell the pot anymore and didn't think anyone else could either.  Haha - whoa.  Gotta go have sex bye.

Do I have ADD?

Is it possible?  Ugh I don't know.  More to the point after a long day of suffering (it never fucking ends sometimes) I realized something.  I worked on the 3rd step today with my new sponsor and I felt HORRIBLE afterwards (she was great).  I then proceeded to keep plummeting until I finally went for a walk at 4:30 at which point during my walk I got a disappointing text from some one in "show business" - I mean seriously I can't even type that with a straight face but okay let's say "show business."  This same person often disappoints me but because I feel like I carry more weight.  Blah blah.  AND - yesterday I worked on something instead of going for a walk (which as with today is sometimes the only thing that makes me feel better).  Which was my choice.  But it made me angry.  Am I making sense?  Basically I got annoyed from the text and then suddenly - SUDDENLY it occurred to me - FUCK IT.  I have no fucking idea what I'm doing in this business - whatever I thought worked from the past - hasn't and I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE.  Forget it.  I said to myself and God (I KNOW I KNOW) "I don't know how to fucking do this.  I pick out all the wrong people or seem to  - I have no fucking clue what I am doing and I give the fuck up.  You take - you do it.  I'm not going to sit here and suffer anymore and obviously I have no clue what I am doing anyway."  That's it.  It's just like with men.  Who gives a shit??  I can be perfectly happy without this and I'm sure I can find plenty to suffer about without trying to force myself into something that isn't working.  And the reason why I am saying it isn't working is because I feel horrible.  So something isn't right.  And I just am not one of those people who can figure it out.  So I am turning it the fuck OVER.  I don't think I'm making any sense.  I'm still going to try but I'm done killing myself and just pushing, pushing pushing to the point of not taking care of myself.  It doesn't matter!  I really saw today in that moment with the text and my reaction to it - that none of this will ever be any different.  Good God please let me sleep tonight.  I haven't been sleeping right.  I'm over all of this.  Life is too short!  It really really is.  Anyway Im going to waste some time right now figuring out if I have ADD.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Nothing lost - nothing gained.

Well I feel completely different about that dumb contest and now I could care less.  I could mostly care less.  I have moved on!  Imagine that.  So now I am on to other projects and what a relief that is.  Probably if I had more projects going on or even just more things to do that night I would have felt better fairly quickly.  Well but I did feel better fairly quickly - by the end of the next night I felt fine.  Jesus - its really what everyone says in the program - that time will pass and it will get better.  When my emotions are high that is SO hard to listen to.  Anyway today has been a nice day so far.  I prayed & meditated, did some yoga and went for a walk.  I love being here in the apartment and in my office.  Being able to eat here and make my coffee - it's fantastic.  I have gotten no work done but I want to.  Ha!  No I am sort of nibbling away at my projects I have going on.  So.  So I feel very lucky to have this space and time to work on myself and my art.  Oh boy and I have SO MUCH work to do.  So much writing.  Anyway I better get to it - next week my class starts again and I am going to be so busy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Losing is painful but also fun!

Not really.  Maybe it is for masochists.  UGH.  I did that competition last night and LOST.  FIVE people went to the next round and I was NOT ONE OF THEM.  Oh man.  Well so I am awake at 5:00 in the morning - I can't sleep.  I just feel horrible.  Although I did tell myself that as long as I didn't bomb then it's okay.  And I didn't - at all.  I had a good set.  And my set feels like it is getting to a better place - rather quickly.  Now of course I am doubting myself and I think I suck, I'm old, not cool - fat.  FAT.  SO FAT.  Good Lord it's horrible.  I am fighting letting myself think this way about myself - I can't stand it.  Oh man - well I guess it's a rough year what can I do.  Hopefully in a few days I wont care and I will have other things to work on and in the meantime keep working on my set.  And my performing.  Honestly I could have bombed.  I don't get onstage enough and I have so much self-doubt and nerves to battle.  So it could have been a LOT worse.  Although I have to say I do not know why I keep trying to get this club to show me the love - it's ridiculous.  So then my job is to go somewhere ELSE!  Find it.  Okay so then my guy's ex came and rang the doorbell yesterday.  And because I don't know what she looks like I was like "Hi!"  Yes to some random woman ringing the bell.  Then she says "Does (my guy) live here?"  I say "Yes!"  I'm smiling because I love when strangers come to the door!  Then she says "I have some paintings for him."  I say "Okay!"  I'm still smiling.  She says "Can I bring them in?"  I say "Sure!"  I think I thought she was someone from the program or something.  Then she asks me if I am (my name).  I say "Yes!"  Then she asks if I live here.  I say yes.  Cut to I finally ask who she is and she tells me.  Then she goes to her car to get whatever she has in the car and comes back and says "I shouldn't do this - I shouldn't have come here."  Cut to she tells me a bunch of stuff that doesn't make sense and tries to get information out of me and I told her she scared me and it was very aggressive of her to ask me who I was before I understood who she was.  Listen when she first rang the bell it scared me - so when I saw a woman at the door I got relieved.  It was so confusing.  Listen - I had nothing to do with their relationship not working out.  I feel guilty for everything and that is something I don't feel bad about.  Plus - um - I'm not kidding - she was TRYING to cry.  She did manage to get a tear out of the left corner of her eye which she dramatically wiped away.  She tried to say they were together when we got together but then she changed her story.  I just calmly kept saying "I was under the impression you were separated for almost a year before."  She also kept trying to say we met and she saw me in a play.  BITCH I WISH YOU SAW ME IN A PLAY BECAUSE THEN I WOULD HAVE BEEN IN A PLAY!  Um - no. No and no.  I didn't steal your man and this has nothing to do with me.  I said "Do you want me to have him call you?"  And she said he told her to never go to his office again so no.  OKAY SO GOING TO HIS HOUSE IS OKAY??  It felt like she was trying to get me to feel sorry for her.  Oh man - I'm telling you - I don't feel well right now.  My head is so awful.  Dark.  I just ate 2 cheese sticks and 2 weight watchers treats to try to go back to sleep.  It did not work.  Those weight watchers treats are so ridiculous.  I eat 3 of them at a time.  Well - I guess this is life.  What a crazy twat.  Can you imagine she said "I'm happy for you.  You guys living together all these years."  WHAT?  I just said I had to go - which I did - that I had an appointment at 12:30 - which I did.  Why was she trying to make me feel sorry for her and why the fuck was she TRYING to cry?  SO I would try to convince my guy to go back to her?  "She managed to squeeze out a tear - it's so clear she loves you!"  I didn't even feel like she loved him either.  I felt like she was - I have no idea what.  Please God - let me never be that woman.  Let me take care of my own shit.  This too shall pass right?  Yes it will.  Oh - ugh.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Anxiety Times 1000 - A Weekend Getaway

My stomach is going crazy.  I feel awful.  I couldn't sleep last night and I kept waking up.  I'm flat out terrified about this contest on Monday night.  I feel like it is completely insane that I am doing this.  I feel like I am going to put myself out there and possibly bomb and totally embarrass myself.  I'm just so scared.  Meanwhile I am not working on it at all right now - I'm just sitting here cold and upset.  I'm so sad about my father and so worried about this year of selling trees.  One of the guys who works on the farm went back to Albania and he was so sad to go.  Ugh - I just feel sick.  I still can't believe he died and when it hits me - it is hitting so hard.  I'm losing whatever power I had and I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach.  I went to a meeting last night, therapy yesterday and a meeting this morning and I still just want to go to bed for a month.  It's overcast and SO chilly.  Holy shit - it's just - I don't know - it just feels like Winter and I'm not emotionally prepared for that.  I'm having a hard time.  Also when my stomach feels like this it's because I'm forgetting something and I'm about to have a full on panic attack because I can't possibly know what it is.  I hope I haven't fucked up some other money thing.  Well anyway - oh boy - that neighbor is blow drying his driveway.  What a fucking lunatic.  Man - if they ever actually stop primping their driveway and actually PARK in it - I will be floored.  Gotta go suffer bye.

So uncomfortable.

I'm on the train going to the city for therapy. The train is crowded and I tried to sit with one woman who - ha moved her bag off the seat sooo annoyed and then sighed have me a dirty look and shifted her knees over juuuust a little bit. I started awkwardly trying to move into the seat with my coffee and my backpack and umbrella and thinking how awful of a ride this is going to be. But I was also thinking fuck her I'm going to sit here and make her miserable but then I just switched somehow and said "you know what never mind I'm going to let you sit here by yourself" and I got out. Now I'm sitting next to an older man who is equally as grumpy but I'm trying to not take it in. He was polite enough about me sitting here. I'm tired. I have gone into the city for 4 days now and yesterday I pounded around all day. But it was worth it to stay after lunch with my family to write with some peeps at 7:00. Ah. But I'm tired. But I'm grateful. I went shopping and had a piece of cake at a cafe. I mean my poor guy is living on this tiny budget and I'm complaining about shopping and eating cake. I feel like such a turd. But also I'm tired! I think I thought going in and out of the city would be easier not waitressing but it's still hard. Okay. I had the weirdest dream about my father last night. He realized he was sick and got sad. Ugh it killed me. I'm so worried about money. I haven't gotten paid for that one job and I thought I got a job for next week but I don't think I did. I'm trying so hard to hold out for the better paying jobs but it's terrifying. I'm about to get desperate. No - I'm there - I feel desperate. Well I'm just going to hold out for a little bit longer. Holy fuck. I've never been able to do this. Hold out for the better thing. Well maybe that's not true. Turn it over. I just need to turn it over. Holy fucking uncomfortableness. K bye.

Wednesday.

Yesterday was 3 months since my father died.  Barf.  I went into the city yesterday and ran around doing shows and our podcast.  Tonight I have 2 shows and I'm terrified.  I cant believe how hard it is and how badly I want to do it.  It seems slightly sick but that's in my head.  But it fills me up.  I love it.  It's my passion.  What can I say???  Being a low-level comedian and an actress that never gets work FILLS ME UP.  Okay I don't want to write too much because I have to work on my jokes and my 5 minutes for tonight before I go.  Man I wrote that and IMMEDIATELY wanted to take a nap.  Like seriously.  Jesus.  Okay so - well I still cant believe it about my father.  It's so sad.  Such an empty place without him.  I was so lucky to have a father in my life.  So crazy.  Seeing him soften as he got older.  Ah.  Heartbreaking to lose him so suddenly - so swiftly.  Just like that.  He turned out the light and that was that.  WOW.  Okay time to work on my comedy!  Good lord.  Love you Bluebie bye.  ps Am I just writing abou that so I will get sad and let myself take a nap??  Wtf.

Monday.

It's Monday.  I have managed to get out of my pajamas, take a shower, do a little yoga, pray & meditate and talk to a sponsee.  I wrote in my journal.  I did manage to write last night and now I am in my office and all ready to write again.  This is such a great set-up for me, to be able to write in my quiet office at home.  Me head is so fucking loud that I need it so quiet so I can think straight.  So - so now I can write and work.  Oh boy.  I mean - oh I also spoke to my alanon sponsor.  I'm just so fucking triggered.  I'm so fearful and scared.  Well it's okay - I guess working on this writing and the pressure of this competition and really feeling like it's shit or get off the pot - I guess a lot of stuff is coming up.  Listen I can change my mind too.  I can decide I just want to sell dresses and flip-flops.  I just need to do it from a place of power that's all.  That's all!  I can do whatever I want and put my love and effort wherever I want I just need to do it from a place of power.  I know I said that already but I'm saying it again.  Okay let's get to work.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Re-entry problems.

We went on vacation for 9 days and it was glorious.  We both needed it so badly.  We went on a discount vacation to Delaware and their season had just ended so everything had closed except some mini-golf courses and of course the beaches were open.  It was us and 35 old people.  But it was so great!  We stayed in this adorable little house at the end of a cul-de-sac and it was soooooo nice.  For us.  It was quiet and everything was clean and new.  We slept for 9-10 hours every night and just chilled the fuck out.  Now we are back and having re-entry problems because it's back to real life.  He's stressed about this business and I am stressed about my pretend business of being an actress and a comedian.  Ha.  I think ha?  Oh my God I feel sick.  I'm in a competition next Monday and I feel like I'm more prepared to fight a bull.  Or take down a wild animal with a bow and arrow.  Okay that's extreme.  I feel like I am more prepared to do a lot of other things besides that.  I mean talk about first world problems - it's gross.  I don't know what's happening right now.  I just had to look through a bunch of pictures of my father trying to find something and of course I got upset.  I'm just upset.  Our talk about money upset me.  My lack of faith in myself and my exhaustion is upsetting me.  I just basically ran errands today and now I'm ready to hunker down and watch some TV and then go to bed.  It's 5:38 pm.  I keep having this thought go through my head that I have been chasing this juvenile dream for 18-20 years of being an actress - then of being a comedian.  My guy said he was reading something about Stephen King (whom I LOVE) and he said he was born to write.  I don't feel born to do anything except maybe go shopping, do light errands and sleep.  I'm a mole.  I mean - okay so am I beating myself up?  Is it just re-entry problems?  Is it fear?  Is it alcoholism?  Is it the truth and I'm finally just seeing it?  Maybe it's just suddenly the truth.  I don't know.  Man - I really don't.  It's always that question - right?  But this is the question - if I could do anything and money isn't an issue - what would I do?  It fills me up - acting.  Comedy is some bizarre obsession that I'm still interested in.  I love to write and I just don't let myself do it enough.  I am afraid.  Fear stops me.  I am gung ho until it gets hard and then I blame life and being old and stop.  Or fade.  Stop and fade.  I also truly convince myself that the errands are more important.  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  SHIT ON A SHINGLE.  JESUS HOLY CHRIST.  This is the thing and I am MORE than positive I have probably written this before BUT when I started doing this - acting/comedy/moving to NYC - I promised myself I wouldn't stop until I tried everything.  This is already annoying me.  The one thing I have never truly tried is staying in it and letting God decide.  Turning it over.  I never turn it over.  Do what I love, let myself love it and turn it over.  I feel like I have reverse PMS.  PMS on the way OUT of my period.  GREAT.  Well anyway.  That's what's going on with me.  A lot of inner turmoil after a lovely discounted vacation.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Stress Sandwich.

I did 2 shows last night and I bombed at BOTH.  Fun.  I'm so stressed out and spent way too much time yesterday trying to off-set one of my crazy sister's craziness.  It flips me out.  She is making a difficult time more difficult and I'm helping her by getting very upset.  It's amazing.  She is making it all about her.  It's so not helpful and its so not kind.  It fills me with rage.  Oh man.  I'm overstimulated and I feel a little hung-over emotionally and sick.  Is it hot?  Maybe I'm hot.  She just flips me out.  I work so hard on myself and try to be responsible for who I am and how I affect people and she just does whatever the fuck she wants.  Which the only thing I can think is that I need to do more work on myself if it's bothering me so much.  Let go and Let God.  I have no control over her and I was a DISASTER.  I used to cause such havoc.  Although I was never rude to my parents or sent my siblings text messages to go fuck themselves when I was drunk.  It's her being disingenuous.  I cant fucking stand it.  Just be a bitch and be up front about it.  I hate wading through the bullshit - it fucking drives me crazy.  OMG - I am a mess.  I think I should lay down.  I'm going to lay down.  I already prayed and meditated and then got ALL crazy again.  Let's try this one more time.  Love you BLuebie bye.

MONDAY!

It's Monday and I was so exhausted after last week that I couldn't do anything yesterday.  I did some mild things - went for a jog, ran some errands - watched Friends!  It made me feel so much better - just to get out of my head.  I went to a small women's meeting and got to share twice.  Then we went and got ice cream which was fun.  Now I'm up today and taking care of myself.  I went for a walk, prayed & meditated, talked to my alanon sponsor and I did the dishes.  Now what?  I have so much to do.  I still can't believe how busy I have been.  It's great!  I have the time now to be busy doing my craft AND take care of myself - which is glorious.  Okay - SO - what else?  I have realized that - oh man - I don't even want to write it about it really because I feel like it's focusing on it.  BUT - I have realized that I spend a lot and I mean A LOT of time looking at other people and not in a nice way.  I look at other people and their success and I wonder how they did it and then I try and figure out how they suck though - also.  Does that make sense?  And all it does is keep me from focusing on myself and I can't take it anymore.  It's boring and it feels bad.  Also - also it keeps me from being present.  I'm just not present and I'm not in and of myself and it's so not kind (to me) and it's impossible (I think) to grow from that place.  It's also SO TIME CONSUMING.  Ew and it's boring.  I'm over it.  But now - now I feel sad.  I mean I feel sadness anyway - I'm still grieving my father but it's even deeper than that.  It's the sadness of being present and in myself and responsible for my feelings.  I don't know how to explain it.  It's the pain of being present.  Of not attaching a story to my feelings or my present moment.  I'm reading this book The Untethered Soul and I think - I THINK what he is talking about is the pain we all have in our hearts that's been there for a long LONG time and how we all do all this OTHER SHIT to avoid that original pain.  WILD right?  So it's underneath all the bullshit like staring at other people and their lives.  Or I don't know maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying but that's what I'm getting out of it.  Oye yoi yoi.  Life.  Just keep peeling that onion and digging through that soul.  Ha!  What?  No seriously - what else is there?  Cake.  I'm starving.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So excited!

I'm working on a commercial tomorrow!  I'm playing a nurse.  I'm so excited!!  I have to leave here at 5:00 a.m.  I'm not so excited about that but - well I can rest over the weekend I guess.  Okay - I don't even know what to say - except I'm tired and I'm nervous my hair is going to look terrible.  I have been lying to myself all day saying that even though my hair looks terrible now - it somehow won't look terrible tomorrow.  OH BOY.  I'm beginning to not believe myself.  That's okay - it's all part of this.  The negative thoughts.  I also went to target and tried on some t-shirts without pants on and so I saw the back of me which was unfortunate.  I mean parts of me look good!  Other parts - holy fuck.  Anyway I'm working on it.  I'm guessing they won't be filming me with only a t-shirt on and no pants.  I need water.  I guess I need to wake up at 3:00.  How in the serious fuck am I even going to get to sleep let alone get up at 3:00?  I guess I'm just going to do it - that's how.  I have to pack to go home too.  Okaaay.  Whoa.  Alright.  Well the excitement will help with waking me up.  Gotta go Bluebie - love you bye.

Amazed.

Well I drove 3 hours each way to go to 2 auditions in the city today.  I was able to write while I drove.  Oh which reminds me......I had to write some stuff down.  I'm amazed at how busy I am now with doing this full-time.  How did I ever get anything done?  I didn't.  I guess that's why it was never really working.  Okay my sisters cats are attacking each other but I'm just going to let them work that out.  I mean come on - these animals!  I love them more than anything but I'm not a zoo keeper.  I wonder what they are fighting over anyway?  Maybe the bed I'm on?  One has been on it for days and then I just looked over and the cat that's usually in the closet was on the bed. Haha - it's huge bed they could both be on it.  IM SO TIRED.  I have to go to sleep.  I got a job for Friday and I'm so excited!  So crazy!  Love you Bluebie byeee.

Complete, total and utter lack of Focus

Okay so there is a hurricane brewing, my mother doesn't feel well and I'm awake. Just listening to the wind whip through the trees. I can hear crickets too. It's so quiet. I can hear the highway in the background too. The electricity went out but then the generator kicked right in. That was weird. Super weird. Ugh so I have this time now to write and I just looked at Facebook for 30 minutes.  Maybe it was 10 - maybe it was 45 - I don't know because I have absolutely no focus! I'm feeling that same way I always feel when I'm nervous, under pressure, it's personal and I care ALOT. And that feeling is exhausted. Heavy. Lethargic. Want to lay down but can't sleep. Hungry - but full. Oye yoi yoi! So much drama.  What in the world is that about? It's like my nerves short me out.  I also feel like I'm going to fail so why even bother. That's the spirit! Ha omg - wow - born to fail - waaaay to goooo.  Alright well what's the truth? I can only do what I can do right now.  It's not that serious (even though it feels VERY VERY SERIOUS). Oh! I know. It's a challenge. I love a challenge!  I like that - it's s challenge. This house is scary as fuck - I mean Stephen King should come here and write his next book. That's what happens when you live in the city so long! A farm is SCARY. Ha. Oooookay love you Bluebie bye.

Dogs barking why?

I'm at the farm. It's 11:00 at night and one of the 3 dogs is barking but why?  Okay I got them to stop. I turned out the lights. I think they were barking at the cats. Anyway that's not why I wanted to write. I have a show this week. I feel like I can't do it. I still haven't found the time to write. But now I'm here. I just need to do it. Find the time. Make the time. I can do it. I just need to bring my a game.  Work at my fullest potential. Oh the cat got on the bed! Yay.  Okay what else?  Give myself a chance. Do the work! Gotta sleep byeee.

Lead with Love? Nothing else has worked.

I woke up gruuuumpy today - holy cow.  Bad attitude and 3 different body parts hurt so I feel old.  Then I prayed & meditated - which took forever because I was so grumpy.  When I finally meditated I felt grateful and I realized love is the answer.  UGH HOW ANNOYING IS THAT??  Sigh.  Okay so I am trying to lead with love.  That's it.  I mean what else is there?  I have tried everything else and nothing has worked.  So why don't I lead with love and then at least I'm not in a constant state of misery.  Oh it's scary though - because if I'm truly doing things from a loving, heartfelt place - holy shit.  That's terrifying.  There's no safety net there.  I think my instincts tell me to do things from a manipulative, ego driven, heady place.  That's safer and that makes more sense.  But it doesn't make more sense.  It makes my hear though and I just can't go there anymore.  I need to grow.  So why not try it?  I will give it 90 days like with early sobriety.  WHOA - I just got sleepy.  I spent an hour today trying to unhook my twitter and facebook accounts.  How old does that make me in dog years?  1000?  Gotta go do SOME STUFF WITH LOVE.  Lead with love.  How long before I crack?  20 minutes?  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

New Normal?

I need a new normal now.  Now I'm not a waitress and now I have time to do other things to take care of myself.  I've been getting lots of sleep but not too much so that's good.  I'm writing in my journal and now I can write on here more.  I'm starting to do my little bit of yoga everyday again too.  Ah - slowly things are shifting.  I wish I could let myself sit down and write jokes.  Just re-write my set.  I can.  Maybe.  Maybe I can give that to myself.  All I have to do is a little bit everyday - like with everything else - right?  Just a little bit.  Oh I woke up SO sad today but I took care of myself and got some work done and then drove into the city to meet my friend.  We had stuff to do for our podcast.  I got a ticket for $115.00 because I just HAD to have a donut and went into Dunkin Donuts for 5 minutes.  I have to say it was a really good donut.  I had so much fun with my friend and I felt SO much better.  I'm still sad but it's less prevalent.  For now.  Okay I'm going to make dinner for my guy.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Things that make me feel better

Writing. Walking. Dancing. The beach. The sun. Food. Water. Breathing. Meditation. It's been 2 months and 1day since my father died. I'm laying on the beach alone while my guy is running. I'm so sad. My heart is n such - pain. It's so pre leant - the grief. It has just gotten so much more intense. I'm missing him but also I'm just so profoundly sad. It's such a huge empty space with him gone. It's exhausting. My anniversary is next Saturday and I'm also a mess from that. It's like this feeling comes over me from which there is no real relief. A sense memory of how my life was 7 years ago and how awful I felt. This will change and shift - I know it will but it is also incredibly painful.  But the beach is helping. Being grateful is helping. Just doing the next right thing - even if it's only for 5 minutes - is helping. I'm going to reach out to some other alcoholics who have less time than me and that will help. I just cried all over my face and I don't have a tissue. I have towels. God knows I can blow my nose in a towel.  I used to just throw up on the floor and leave it there for 2 days when I was drinking.   The only way past it is through it right? But man it's fucking painful. I said like 8 slogans just now. Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Depression - it's what's for dinner!

I am waiting for the guy to come back from a meeting and I said I would go get us fish for dinner.  I'm so depressed though.  I just went for a walk and did a little yoga and that helped but I'm like a thousand pounds right now.  I mean that's how heavy I feel.  I got so sad about my father last night and then it just got WORSE today.  I went to a meeting, did step work and came home.  While I was getting out of my car I thought how it was going to be a quite afternoon for me and that maybe I should call my father.  It just came into my brain so quickly - I couldn't even stop it from happening.  Ugh - it made me so sad.  It's like the pain keeps getting worse and my heart is so heavy.  I'm also lonely living here.  It's such a huge adjustment.  I love it - I really do - I'm just lonely and I'm not completely in a new life and I miss my old one.  I suppose I'm not quite busy enough - although I've been busy.  I miss doing shows.  My comedy has come to a grinding halt all of a sudden.  And I know I need to write and I just don't fucking want to do it.  It all seems so messy and confusing in my mind.  Where do I begin?  Where do I begin to write my comedy again?  Maybe I'm not supposed to do comedy.  I mean - I'm not - really - so I guess not.  Ugh - man - I haven't had this pull of depression in a long time.  It's really strong.  It's okay - it was bound to happen.  The move, not working in the city either and then my father dying.  Not in that order.  All of it.  Tectonic shifting.  I'm just going to keep taking care of myself the best I can and be grateful I'm sober.  OH.  Oh it's my anniversary - fuck - THIS is ho I always feel around that too.  GOD.  Okay - wow - this is just one day at a time shit that's all.  Why am I talking like this?  I'm channeling that kid from The Get Down.  That show is fucking unreal to me - it's so fucking good.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Today.

My anniversary is 10 days away.  I'm good and crazy but - I guess I'm more sad than anything.  Ugh - it's just my father dying is like this low grade sadness under everything.  It makes me sick.  I miss him so much and then also all these memories keep coming up - some of them not good at all.  I keep trying to just say "okay - okay bad memory but I forgive and he was human and I don't care anyway - he loved me and I loved him."  It's a mess.  In my head.  I went back to therapy today though and for 15 minutes afterwards I felt okay.  I've been busy getting myself together here at the house and doing all my stuff.  What?  That sounded like bullshit.  Alright - anyway.  I published an article and that feels like the most exciting thing in the world ever.  I want to do voice overs also.  What else?  Part of what I want to do is write more and I have been writing more on here and in my journal but does that count as writing?  I don't quite think so.  I want to write more comedy but I am the AFRAID word.  I am AFRAID to write more comedy.  BUT WHY?  Because I might not be funny?  Because it hurts?  Does it hurt to write?  Yes - yes it does.  UGH - CHRIST ALL-FUCKING-MIGHTY.  It's so fucking hot.  It has to be 95 degrees and it's 7:15.  It's also so humid.  Maybe it's just hot I don't know.  I wish I could dust my brain.  Just get in there and DUST it - pull out some weeds - pull out some dead leaves - just give it a good feng shuing.  Just land scape that mother fucker a little bit.  OKAY.  SO.  I auditioned for a 54 year old heavy set woman yesterday and it did not go well.  I have to say - why did I GO?  I need boundaries and I need to say whether or not something is worth my time.  WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I'm going to suggest to myself right at this moment that I had too much coffee.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Watermelon.

I just ate some watermelon - I picked it out of my parents garden when I picked the Forbidden Canteloupes.  I have to say it wasn't THE most delicious watermelon I ever ate but it was GLORIOUS because I am at home and it's quiet and I got to cut it fresh on the kitchen table here.  It was just so fucking lovely to be home and eating some fresh watermelon out of the garden.  Home in my home.  So anyway - I went into the city and went to the audition yesterday and it was great.  I felt so filled up afterwards!  Crazy - I didn't even want to go - I was so flustered from the neighbors blow-drying their driveway all day.  Then I went to an artist's recovery group and that was great too.  Now I'm sitting in my office today trying to work.  Actually I don't know if that's what I'm trying to do -I'm trying to start to work in my office.  I want to come to work in my office.  How many more times should I say office.  Here's a picture of it.  Okay it's really hard to take a picture with this laptop!  But the rug is so cute right?  Oh boy.  Anyway - I absolutely love being home.  I went for a jog this morning.  Yay.  Okay gotta go and get my shit together.  Love you Bluebie bye.

 

 

 

Hot Rage on a Cool Day

Ugh I am so filled with rage.  My neighbor has been blow-drying his fucking driveway for over 3 hours.  WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT!??  I mean okay fine but did he have to start at 8 in the morning?  I just have the worst PMS and I am so overwhelmed by my relationship, changing jobs and the grief of my Father dying.  We went to the farm again yesterday to see the family and it's so hard traveling there.  I just can't believe he's not going to be there and it's such a sad feeling going to a party and knowing he's gone.  IT's just so fucking heart breaking.  MY guy came with me and we got in a fight on the way there - it was awful.  He's sad too and it's hard for him too.  Then we got there and it was okay - we laughed and my Mom was so happy we were there.  And then we all sat around trying to figure out what the fuck to do.  I mean he ran that farm and he was the boss so no one knows what to do - I mean except of course Drunk Guy.  He somehow knows everything to do - EXCEPT how to take care of the Christmas trees.  My brother and my guy had a talk with him and he said sorry for yelling at me.  But he said it like this "Sorry for yelling at you (slightly sarcastically)"  then I looked back at him and he gave me this snide look like a 5 year old.  Ha!  And he dresses like Rambo.  So when he HAS clothes on - they are Rambo clothes - complete with the fucking bandana around his head.  UGH - he kills me.  Anyway that's what I'm going to call him - Rambo.  Rambo sons is gay - flaming gay.  He wears a scarf too but around his neck like a lady.  Ugh I'm so sad.  I have an audition this afternoon.  I need to do my hair now and get ready for it.  I'm overwhelmed with being in a relationship and "answering" to somebody - even though that's not really what it is.  He wants my attention and I'm still not used to spending so much time with someone - even though I love him and I WANT to spend tons of time with him.  I just have PMS and I can't handle anything.  I'm overwhelmed by my work here too.  At least I'm IN my office right now writing this.  Yes.  I am going to have to go help plant trees.  They need so much help there and the Albanian helper is going back to Albania.  Okay.  And I'm not doing any comedy!  It's crazy.  It's just not happening.  Oaky I'm going to take some more midol - I'm a mess and HE'S FUCKIGN BLOW-DRYING AGAIN!!  UGh bye.

Frustration.

The waters aren't parting for me in comedy.  They just aren't.  Is it because I'm not out every night?  Is it because I don't WANT them to?  What in the fuck is happening? 

I wrote that yesterday morning and then stopped because I got distracted writing an article.  Trying to write an article.  I wrote the article!  But I don't think I actually wrote what I proposed to write.  I already sent it off and now I'm not sure what to do.  Should I re-write?  I mean - that's part of what it is always about right?  Keep working at it.  UGH - I shouldn't have sent it off!  He didn't get back to me and now I'm freaking out.  Okay so I'm home now - I went to that lovely women's meeting this morning and then came home.  I made myself some eggs and it was glorious!  We finished the 3 day juice fast we were doing and I have no idea how I was able to do it.  Well I cheated a liiiiitte bit.  I had 4 weight watchers treats over the 3 days (total not every day) and I ate like 5 packs of gum.  The gum helped but good lord - I am so sensitive to people chewing gum and I was driving MYSELF crazy while chewing the gum.  Anyway I lost almost 5 pounds and I'm exhausted so that means it worked right?  Yeesh.  I feel too tired to work on this article again but maybe I can.  I have so much to do but I feel like I can't get up.  Well that's what writing is - sitting here - so I can do that.  OH MAN - I just forgot I'm getting my chart read today!!!!  That perked me up!!  I knew I was forgetting something.  I always get that weird lethargic feeling when I'm forgetting something.  WOO-HOO - I can't wait.  I hope it's good.  Maybe then I will work on the article.  Yeah.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE

The Drunk Farmhand aka The guy that lives 6 houses down the road.

Okay - I'm a drunk so I get it. Somehow my father took a liking to this guy and had him start helping him here on the farm. I could have SWORN that when I got here 2 nights ago he told me to pick stuff from the garden. He walked me around with a beer in a beer cozy and showed me everything in the garden. Then last night he said the same thing - again I THOUGHT - and my mother was there that time and she ALSO thought he said to pick shit from the garden. So I spent 2 hours today picking fruits and vegetables out of the garden. He comes knocking on the door and I had everything all spread out in the picnic table and my mother tells him to take whatever he likes. He was like "you picked the canteloupe??" And then looked at me like I was fucking crazy. Haha. I picked one watermelon - brought it into the house and cut it open and it was perfect so even though it doesn't make any sense and it's a different type of fruit - I picked the cateloupes. So he leaves all weird from this discussion and I go outside and get a canteloupe and cut it open and whoops - not ripe. So about 15 minutes later - haha - he comes back super angry with half of an unripe cantaloupe. He starts saying all angry "Don't pick no more cantaloupe - they aren't ready." I said " I'm sorry I thought you said to pick stuff from the garden." And then he starts YELLING " no! I said they ain't ready!" At this point I give him a thumbs up and say " okay cool - no problem" and I start to unload the dishwasher because I was going to tell that drunk fuck to go fuck himself. My mother who is the sweetest person and can do this - tells him he's being a prick but that it's okay. He's still yelling that he's been gardening for 10.,20 30 years and "please DONT PICK NO MORE CANTELOUPE."  Why am I writing this? Oh because he's just some drunk guy who lives 6 doors down and for some reason is way to emotionally involved in my fathers garden. I completely ignored him and he finally left and my mother could have cared less but I was PISSED. So I made a mistake! They will ripen in the sun. Shit shows up at the grocery store not totally ripe yet all the time. I just feel like this guy thinks he's the man around here now and he is in for a big fucking surprise because he is not. Wow I'm so mad. I haven't been to a meeting since - well - Wednesday? I just miss my Father. But also I am super triggered by men yelling at me BECAUSE of my Father. I would have no idea I did something wrong and he would yell like I plotted something and I would be 6 years old and clueless. I felt also like I was at this guys house and I took a shit on his kitchen table in the middle of dinner. Alcoholics are so fucking dramatic. Haha and my mother in her sing-songy voice "Well you are being a prick but it's okay! We'll see you tomorrow or Monday!"  Maybe he said to pick the beans? I don't know! He was drunk and he only had on shorts and glasses. No shoes! No shirt! And he was drunk - I was confused!  Blech whatever. Love you Bluebie bye.

Bloated but I'm also Sweating - a Love story

It must be 150 % humidity today. I think I gained 20 pounds in water weight somehow also. Was it the Burger King I ate romantically in the parking lot last night while I watched the lightening storm? I don't know but I feel like I'm going to explode. I didn't sleep well last night. I came to the farm to stay with my Mom so she didn't have to be alone here yet. Her plane was too big to land in the right airport (I guess that's a thing) and so they had mot land somewhere else and bus them to the right airport.  My brothers neighbor who is 85 was picking her up, which was so sweet until it was 2:00 in the morning and I was like "oh my God why is this guy waiting for her at the airport - he's 85 he should be in bed!"  I just kept imagining him having heart attack while he was driving while my Mom was sitting in the passenger seat all little and ladylike.  So I couldn't sleep right and had all these bad dreams and when they finally got home I just laid in bed all freaked out about my father not being here.  But other than that I feel great. No. Not really.  It's okay I can get a good night's sleep tonight.  I suppose this is life right? Life on life's terms. It's just so sad. His hats and coats are still hanging in the kitchen and his stuff is everywhere.  It wasn't even 2 months ago - am I supposed to be over it? No and I'm not anyway so it doesn't matter.  Wow I'm a good time right now. Then I saw a dog on Facebook and wanted him and my guy said it was freaking him out so now I'm mad at him. This dog has freckles on his stomach - I mean I can't.  Anyway......I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable.....he said he didn't need another mouth to feed like it's the depression or something.  Maybe I just need to watch Friends. Aw I'm so grumpy. Love you Blubie bye.

Seperate Note.

On a completely separate note - I love living here.  I went to a beautiful Women's Meeting this morning in a lovely little town that is 5 minutes away from my lovely little town.  I'm loving the trees, birds and quiet.  It's great.  I'm so grateful I moved.  Okay bye.

Between A Rock and Fried Chicken & Waffles

So I'm not going there tomorrow and not only is she angry (she's allowed to be) but she's being a total bitch to me and sent me text last night saying stop helping.  Ha!  Okay somehow I was able to not write her back and have just left it at that.  But I woke up in the middle of the night upset and feeling sick.  But this is the thing - I would only be going in to make her happy - that's it.  And just even writing that is enraging.  So I'm in this caught place of - making her mad and her flat out telling me to go fuck myself - which is hurtful - OR - going in there - working 9 hours, being enraged, feeling sick, not making that much money, and feeling taken advantage of.  And sad.  Well anyway so I'm making the choice that feels slightly better which is the choice where I take care of myself.  And apparently when you take care of yourself - someone always gets mad.  Okay and oh well.  So I am going to be uncomfortable no matter what but at least I won't be enraged and try to take a shit in someone's deep fried oreos.  My guy said it well get easier each time I do it - like recovery.  It gets a little easier each time to do the next right thing.  And the next right thing is for me to start to take care of myself - for real and then that involves 2 things.  1. Being uncomfortable with someone not liking me. 2. Detaching from what is going on with that person - it can't have anything to do with me. 3. Being uncomfortable with taking care of myself - IT'S SO UNCOMFORTABLE.  4. Understanding this is the next phase of my recovery.  If I really want to continue to grow in recovery I need to take care of myself and sometimes that means walking away from an unhealthy situation.  OKAY 4 THINGS and I feel like I'm full of shit anyway.  I'm just going to trust that this is the right thing.  That's all I can do.  That's it!  Alrighty so I have more things to do like lay down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

I didn't make it the 2 days.

I was SO exhausted and felt SO gross yesterday when I was done - and I felt physically ill the entire time I was there.  Am I being dramatic?  PROBABLY.  Did it feel very, very, VERY real??  Yes.  Restaurants are abusive - I don't know why.  It's the most basic need on earth (food) - besides water and love.  Look - there are SO nice there and try so hard to be good.  But it's just too much and I'm in a bad place - I'm grieving my father and I'm raw and have nothing left to give.  So.  So I told them I'm not coming on Sunday and they were NOT happy about it - but oh well.  So.  So now - I just went for a walk - here around the neighborhood.  It's beautiful and sunny out.  I had an audition in the city and then I had something else I had to tape myself for.  And so I thought to myself - well Monday is the first day of my new job - HERE in my office - right?  Only I never come in here.  So I thought again to myself - drag your ass in there (here) with your computer and write on your damn blog!  So I did.  It's crazy how much more painful the grief of my Father dying has gotten.  I miss him.  It's so sad.  I feel sick.  And I feel o fucking guilty about not going to that job.  But also - I'm so done.  I feel so, so SO horrible when I leave.  It really is like an addiction.  I feel gross while I'm there, I eat shit I would never be eating (most likely), I get swollen, I feel bad about myself, I'm ashamed for some reason, I let people treat me terribly because I want their money (drugs or alcohol), I'm filled with rage and I always, always ALWAYS say I will never do this again.  THEN I GO RIGHT BACK.  TOTAL FUCKING INSANITY!!  Well anyway it's a new chapter.  That's it!  It really is.  It's nice to write in here.  It's quiet and feels nice.  There's a pretty orange rug and all my books.  So my beautiful man is giving me this opportunity and I'm going to do my best.  HOLY FUCK.  HOLY FUCKING FUCK.  YIKES.  HOLY FUCKING YIKES!  Okay I have to go love you Bluebie bye!

Countdown.....

So today is one of my last 2 days at this waitressing job. Big fucking sigh. And you know the boutique I was at before this? With Cunty Buns? It's closing. Someone bought them out of their lease early and it's no more. So it's so crazy or maybe not I don't know....I'm incapable of doing these jobs anymore and/or they end. So I'm going to go full-time artist and I feel like I'm going to throw up. What am I crazy?? I feel like I'm on the edge of an abyss - and someone is saying "It's okay - you will float - just jump!" Good fucking Lord!! I have no faith - I can't get a picture in my head of me getting work - real work....or writing real work....or making real work.  I have to figure out how to have some faith and listen to my heart. I love it all so much and it fills me up like nothing else - but there is s huge wall in my minds eye where I see me being successful or even being happy. It's like I'm drawing a blank. And I'm so tired and burnt out from the last 3 or 4 years of just pushing myself and running around exhausting myself that I just want to rest. So I don't feel like I'm changing jobs - I feel like I'm retiring the earliest anyone has ever retired before but with only $60 saves for their retirement.  Come on - I'm being nuts. This is nuts!! Man I am fucking terrified - I can't even believe it.  Well - I mean this use hat I know....what I'm doing a shave done isn't really working for me anymore and I'm not sure how to be successful at doing what I love.  And also I am bored of being exhausted and not being fruitful in what I love.  So. So I am at an inpass - right? Holy Fuck.  Okay - love you Bluebie - bye.