Monday, January 28, 2019

Tomorrow.

It will be 3 weeks tomorrow since I have had treatment.  So I guess the chemo and everything else will start to - or already has begun to leave my system.  I am so scared or at least I have been scared all day until I went to type this and I had another tab open that says Never Fear Cancer Again and I remembered that I don't actually have to be afraid.  My Snake Doctor says "If I keep my terrain healthy there is nowhere for cancer to express itself."  He might not have said it like that.  He might have.  I really don't know but that was for sure the basic idea.  I probably already wrote it on here!  ANYWAY.  So.  So I don't need to be afraid because I am taking care of my terrain.  I haven't been feeling well - last week I even had one day where I literally felt like I had had chemo again.  I was sick to my stomach all day and I couldn't get out of bed - it was awful.  I have been so so tired and fatigued.  I am taking care of myself though.  I have been resting and staying as busy as I can.  I have been putting coconut oil all over my skin which has helped the rash so much.  I have been jogging!  Going a little bit more each time.  I floss and make lots of healthy foods and I am taking my supplements.  I have lots of healthy teas and every morning I am juicing that celery.  I'm cooking stuff where I am sneaking in other veggies.  I made mashed potatoes with pureed radishes and jalepenos - which were actually pretty because of the green and red specks.  It sounds SO GROSS but they were pretty good and the guy loved them.  Anyway my throat feels weird which I think means that there are Epstein Barr Virus bugs in my thyroid and the celery juice is killing them off so my throat feels gross.  OKAY THAT SOUNDS NUTS.  Insane thought number 2 is that maybe because I am detoxing from the chemo, it is going back through my system AND I did feel like I was getting choked for at least 4-5 months on one of the chemos - the taxol specifically.  Okay so this is fun to write about.  NO IT ISN'T.  I am going to try to just get healthy.  That's it!  I have a friend - she's in the program and she's older - a doctor - so sweet.  She keeps telling me if I eat a muffin or a piece of pizza once in awhile - it's okay because I can just eat a bowl of broccoli to offset it.  Okay - so what is that about - balance?  Something I am not good at but I can try.  I am so tired.  I have been eating so much garlic it's insane.  Okay gotta go the guy is going to be home soon.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Therapy.

Well I went to therapy and now I’m on my way home on the train. I’m on my phone so this is difficult but I really want to write. I started therapy with this woman 17 years ago. I have never stopped. Sometimes I miss and there has been times where I’ve gone twice a week. She has never changed the price although for years I paid $10 and when I started to make more money I started to pay $20. This woman has been so unstoppingly kind to me. She has been a solid, smart, loving and constant presence in my life. I’m crying right now. There’s people who pay hundreds of dollars to do this work. It seems like I was absolutely meant to get better when someone has allowed me to literally only pay what I can and in this past year and a half (cancer) I haven’t been able to pay many times. I just am keeping a tab. I have a tab open at therapy. Today was yet again one of those times where something has truly shifted in my brain, in my awareness and it’s all about clarity and being able to just feel my fucking feelings. Also this....are you ready? Am I ready? It’s the same thing I think I’ve written about and thought about but somehow it’s different. It’s this - let’s see if I can put it into words. I can be responsible for myself. And not just for my feelings, choices etc. But for how I effect other people. And I do effect other people. So somehow me knowing that I can protect myself more. From other people. Oh boy I’m not explaining it. I think I’m afraid to really say it. I’m a magnet. I attract other people. So I need to be careful and just take care of myself and say back the mother fuck up. Especially with women. I always think women can’t be predator. And if they are soft looking and pretty and have high voices - I get even more confused. Which my therapist says means I’m angry. So there you go. Boundaries. Responsible for my boundaries. Recognizing if someone is confusing me, it’s probably making me angry and that means something is off. So that’s what 17 years gets you. Ha! That and I’m SOBER. I no longer pee myself while I’m walking the ONE fucking block from the avenue to my house from a cab thinking to myself “well so I peed whatever I’m a half a block to the house I will take off these pants when I get in there.” I also highly doubt I thought it with that much clarity. It was probably more like “fucking whatever.” Ha! Holy shit. Terrifying.


Does this all seem self-cenetered? It is. And I’m so fucking GLAD I give myself this. Because now I can be helpful in the world. I can be of service. I can use my goodness to help without getting used up. Why am I so angry? Are you judging me? Ha. I guess I feel defensive about how much cuz I do to take care of myself. Good for me is really the thing. I love when other people do it so I’m going to love it that I do it. Byeeeee!

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

Can't Sleep.

I went to bed right after I made the previous post, fell asleep and then woke right back up like I often do.  I usually blame the guy but he isn't here.  Aw!  What a turd I am to blame him!  Anyway he isn't here so it's not his fault this time.  I then proceeded to lay here and be upset still trying to figure out what the fuck I am so so upset about - driving me nuts.  Then I jerked off or whatever women call it (I call it that) and then thought for sure I would fall back asleep and stop thinking about this.  Then not so much - I was just a little bit more relaxed and obsessing.  So then I said my mantra - felt a little better but still not sleeping.  Then I realized what the fuck is so upsetting and it's shame.  I feel fucking embarrassed and ashamed.  That's what it is.  I can't for the life of me figure out why - it's so elusive to me......I guess it's the confusion and that I somehow made myself vulnerable but also I wanted - what?  Some kind of love and what??  I can't find the word.  Holy shit what am I trying to say?  An affirmation of some kind I guess although that's not exactly right.  Well anyway so I realized that and then I realized I don't have to do this or fight this fight.  Serenity is what I'm after.  Kindness.  Hope.  Love.  Barf.  Strength.  I have so much to be grateful for.  It's focusing on myself and moving on that's all.  OMG I wanted CONNECTION.  That's it.  That's IT.  Isn't that what we all want?  Why is so hard sometimes?  Also why are relationships so much fucking work?  I guess this is why life is a mystery - things work out, then they don't.  People change and people don't.  People seem wonderful and then they aren't.  We grow and others don't.  I don't get anything sometimes.  I can say this....I want to keep going.  I want to live.  That's hard to say.  It's such a struggle and what's the biggest struggle is - relationships.  With ourselves and other people.  So how do I stay kind?  Truly kind?  How do I stay in myself - take care of myself - be true to myself?  While maintaining relationships that are healthy and kind?  I get so pulled off myself around other people.  Or at least I have ever since I got sober.  I don't know.  I guess I just keep going that's all.  Jesus I really hope that once this stuff wears off that I will sleep again.  It's 1:39 am.  I am wide awake man.  Gosh I miss the guy!  I guess I will read now.  I do feel better.  I have to say that I am not as angry as I used to be about things like this.  I would have just been enraged.  I was hurt and angry but it wasn't like psycho level rage.  So that's growth.  This woman said tonight you have to drop the anger to steer the sail?  Omg I can't remember haha.  Something like that.  I have a lot to do.  Hopefully goodnight!!  xoxoxoxo

You might be surprised but....

I am upset about something.  How in the world do I say this?  How do I say this without saying it?  I got my feelings hurt - okay I can say that.  I got my feelings hurt by someone who has hurt my feelings many times.  Okay I can say that too.  Gosh it's so fucking weird but I feel better already.  Also it's hilarious that I just wrote "gosh" the wrote "fucking" right after that - haha.  So I got my feelings hurt and it's just so nuts how it then is a mind fuck of did I somehow ask for this, what's really going on - blah blah.  I don't even think that's what I mean.  What it is is this.  I just can't let shit go.  Also what?  It just sucks.  I'm sad and confused and it makes me sick to my stomach.  The confusion - what's my part - what in the fuck is actually going on?  Well then also there's this.....I have no idea.  Honestly and truly at the end of the day I have no fucking clue what is going on.  So then that's the answer.  I don't know and I have so much to do and focus on and that is so uncomfortable.  I guess I want what I have wanted many, many times in my life.  I want the thing I want from somewhere and someone else.  It's never going to happen.  Isn't there a more positive way to say that?  Ugh it makes me want to throw up that I am going to say this but - it's in me what I am looking for.  Gross.  Not gross?  Gross.  Holy shit I am so tired.  It's so late - the guy has been away so I have been staying up late like a crazy lady.  I am so fucking uncomfortable.  Fine.  Fine.  I am uncomfortable because I went to try to get fucking oranges from the hardware store.  Again.  If the was an award you could win for trying to do something that doesn't work over & over again - I WOULD WIN THAT SHIT.  WINNER.  Okay I am so exhausted.  Jesus I am going to meditate again before I go to bed....my head is messy but worse than that so is my heart.  My heart deserves better.  My heart deserves the love.  What in the holy fuck am I talking about.  I know what I am talking about and it's helping me.  GREAT.  Love you B.Luebie,bye.

Monday, January 14, 2019

Trust My Celery Juice Self

I am juicing celery juice every morning.  It tastes pretty refreshing but it's SO LOUD.  I am using the Ninja because I don't have a juicer - they cost a million dollars.  So I use the single Ninja thing to blend the celery and then put it through a strainer.  It's definitely straining (in addition to the juice) my alanon/people-pleasing issues since it's loud.  I believe in it though so I am doing it.  I don't wake up too early and I think the guy that lives below us actually gets up earlier.  Anyway I am going to keep doing it.  I meditated this morning and thought about how even though the guy was gone yesterday - I really took care of myself.  I ate healthy, went to AA & alanon.  Got some healthy groceries, came home and cooked more.  Did the dishes even!!  It often feels like he is the one guiding us to do all this healthy stuff but I did it all before him.  Not the dishes.  I never did the dishes - which was gross.  So.  So when I meditated this morning I realized I am beginning to trust myself - I was going to say again but I don't know that I ever fully did.  So.  So okay.  I am so tired.  I am just fighting this cold off & on.  It's okay - I can still calmly go about my day.  I was so embarrassed at alanon last night.  I was sharing and then had this crazy hot flash and turned BEET RED but kept talking even after the bell rang and then TURNED MORE RED.  Is that even possible??  I GUESS SO.  Ha!  This is why writing is good - I feel so much better just making fun of that (in a loving way).  God it's so much work!!!  All of this!!!  I have to call my alanon sponsor.  This is that work that nobody sees you do.  What does it say in the Tao??  Just do the work and show them the results.  Something like that - maybe I can find it hold on......found it!  Side note I just sneezed and peed a little bit 5 times.  Fun!  Okay here it is - it's number 36 and at the end of the "poem" it says "Let your workings remain a mystery.  Just show people the results."  HE KNEW ABOUT AA BEFORE AA!!!  Ha.  Anyway there you go - just show people the results.  Ugh - how annoying.  It feels like one of the only things I am actually doing well (maybe?) and I want people to know!  Is that true?  I don't even think that's true.  I think I just want to write and express myself and this is one of the things I do a lot and we write what we know - right?  That's okay - I can write about it here.  I'm going to run a half marathon.  So I need to get to work on that.  I'm doing good - so far I can run 1.3 miles.  HAHA!!  Well okay it's a challenge!  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Saturday, January 12, 2019

It's My Birthday!!!

No it's not I just wanted attention.  Anyway - hi!  I am at home on the couch.  It's freezing out and I could not sleep last night.  My guy woke me up out of the craziest dream so I didn't get enough sleep once I did go to sleep.  What is my point?  Oh that's why I am home on the couch.  I have been taking care of myself though.  Prayed, meditated, ate a healthy breakfast, took my vitamins and I'm writing a little bit.  I have stuff to do today and an audition to do too.  Yeah I have this cold I can't shake which is probably not crazy at all given this year and a half.  So what's up with me?  I am so brain fogged today and I have no idea why.  I ate very healthy yesterday although on Thursday - wait what?  No not Thursday - Wednesday?  Yes on Wednesday I had McDonald's.  Is it possible I am feeling the effects of that 3 days later?  In my brain?  OKAY I AM GOING TO STOP RIGHT THERE.  I have a cold, I need to exercise and I have no fucking clue what is going on.  I felt clearer after I meditated and I will feel clearer after I exercise.  Great.  Good!  I am obsessed with Anthony William - the Medical Medium.  OBSESSED.  I really think I have had some form of Epstein-Barr Virus for a long, long time.  Okay but let's just say I don't and I just had cancer and I am still tired from that and treatment.  Okay fine.  Let's say I just got cancer from letting my ex-husband slap me in the boob 35 times one night & not Epstein-Barr.  Maybe!  But the solution for the Epstein-Barr that he is suggesting is a wonderful solution for my body.  Or rather it's wonderful things for my body - anybody's body!  Fruits and vegetables - you know - all the healthy things.  A different combination of supplements but - well anyway - it can't hurt to do more juicing and eat more vegetables.  I started this morning juicing celery.  So I'm going for it.  Time to exercise.  Sigh.  HA.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Sunday, January 6, 2019

Exhausted & Grateful

I'm on the bed - my most favorite place to work.  I was just doing - trying to do?  Social media stuff - I completely suck at it but it's fun.  I am just continuing to slowly build my business.  I miss acting.  I miss acting SO MUCH.  My guy thinks that's what I am meant to do.  I have to say I feel so fucking FULFILLED when I get to do it!  That being said I have a show tonight.  My spot is at 12:25 AM.  Can you fucking even believe that shit?  HA.  Oh boy and I am EXHAUSTED.  Why?  Honestly probably because of cancer treatment but other than that I have no idea.  I am convinced that I have Epstein Barr Virus.  I am reading all this stuff by the Medical Medium and he thinks that breast cancer is caused by EBV.  Something about it getting trapped in the breast as it's trying to get cleaned out of your system by the lymph system?  Maybe?  Holy shit I have no idea something like that.  But I have been tired for YEARS.  Ever since I got sober!  9.5 fucking YEARS ago.  That's a long time to be tired.  I also probably had at least one of my cancers that long too but still.  Anyway I am not going to figure it all out today although I want too.  I just want to read all of this guy's books in 2 days and then start juicing the fuck out of celery every morning and GET BETTER.  BECOME WHO I AM MEANT TO BECOME.  FREE MYSELF.  I also want to watch movies for 3 weeks and sleep for 2 months.  I am fighting some sort of cold.  It keeps kind of leaving and kind of coming back.  I ate I think 9 cloves of garlic yesterday.  To try to get rid of the cold.  I roasted them and put them on rice crackers.  YUM.  Anyway I have to get ready for this show.  We had a nice day today - the guy and I.  We meditated, he jogged outside - I jogged inside - had sex, went grocery shopping and then I made us dinner.  I must have done something else but I don't know what and now I am EXHAUSTED.  Yeah I just took a moment to think about it and I just couldn't think what else I did.  Oh I made us breakfast and I did the dishes.  Um - okay.  HA.  Well whatever I had cancer and I had Lyme disease and now I have Epstein Barr.  Or something.  Maybe I'm just old.  WHOA.  Fuck that.  I mean I guess I sort of am but I AM NOT.  I have to go and work on my set.  Love you Bluebie byeeeeee.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Re-Cover.

HERE IT COMES - A NEW YEARS DAY POST ABOUT RECOVERY!!  Haha oh boy.  Who wants to read about this shit?  I guess YOU.  And me!  But not in public.  I can't stand when people yell about this shit in public.  I don't know why.  It doesn't feel safe I guess.  Well anyway it's a new year and it's a beautiful sunny day.  I had a great day yesterday and so far today I am doing what I wanted to do on this new year's day.  I have been organizing myself and this year I am going to write.  So I am starting this year off writing.  I am also going to exercise, dance and I forgot what else.  Man I was passionately writing what I was going to do too.  HA - and then I FORGOT.  Yikes.  Um - what the fuck?  Well clean and take care of myself.  Do all the other stuff I always do.  I have now learned about this man called the Medium and I got his book form the library and I am reading it.  It's called Life Changing Foods.  I'm excited!  He says that he thinks that breast cancer is caused by the Epstein Barr Virus.  Which is a form of herpes.  I don't have herpes but maybe I do.  Or did.  Anyway so here's the thing though - it all comes back to what the man said what the fuck is his name one second....Raymond Francis - Never Fear Cancer Again - he says that there's one illness - 2 causes....Deficiency and Toxicity.  OKAY FUCK.  It's so much information.  It's all about food and healthy thinking.  All of the shit I have been writing about for the last 9 years.  It is fucking nuts how hard it is to clean out this brain of mine.  I think part of what I am going to do to help is meditate an additional time each day.  So twice a day.  I just get so scrambled.  Omg I wrote scrambled and then got so hungry.  My stomach is growling!  Hahahaaaa.  Scramble yum.  Anyway so it's a journey and a new path.  No sugar,dairy and gluten.  I made a mousse yesterday with coconut cream, cocoa and vanilla and it was UNREAL.  It was fucking delicious.  Unsweetened coconut cream and I used Truvia - a few packets of it.  Yeah it was good.  Tiny bit of coconut whipped cream on top and BOOM.  I have to say though it was still pretty fattening.  So it was a nice treat.  Fuck I am exhausted already and it's only 1:12 pm.  But that's okay.  I'm on this new path or at least starring at the road.  One step, one day at a time.  It's an adventure right?  And what am I going to do?  I can not take those fucking oral chemo pills so I have to stop eating sugar and dairy and just NOURISH the fuck out of myself.  BUT HOW COOL IS THAT???  I am going to get to feel GREAT.  It's like recovery in general - it seems like such bullshit that we have to do this until we realize that we get to feel CLEAN and GRATEFUL and HEALTHY.  The solution is all the stuff I love anyway!!  Just to be clear I also loved drinking and drugs but I can't do it safely.  I was a mess and I was going to die slowly.  So now I was also dying slowly from cancer and I got treatment for that and now I can CHOOSE a different way to live.  There's so much help available and just like with the program - a lot of it is free.  Or for vey little cost.  I mean whatever there's cost involved but it's not millions or even thousands of dollars.  Library books are free.  Going on the internet is free. Meditation is free.  Great am I getting angry.  Gotta change we are going for a walk - it's almost 60 degrees out!!  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYEEEE.