Thursday, January 17, 2019

Therapy.

Well I went to therapy and now I’m on my way home on the train. I’m on my phone so this is difficult but I really want to write. I started therapy with this woman 17 years ago. I have never stopped. Sometimes I miss and there has been times where I’ve gone twice a week. She has never changed the price although for years I paid $10 and when I started to make more money I started to pay $20. This woman has been so unstoppingly kind to me. She has been a solid, smart, loving and constant presence in my life. I’m crying right now. There’s people who pay hundreds of dollars to do this work. It seems like I was absolutely meant to get better when someone has allowed me to literally only pay what I can and in this past year and a half (cancer) I haven’t been able to pay many times. I just am keeping a tab. I have a tab open at therapy. Today was yet again one of those times where something has truly shifted in my brain, in my awareness and it’s all about clarity and being able to just feel my fucking feelings. Also this....are you ready? Am I ready? It’s the same thing I think I’ve written about and thought about but somehow it’s different. It’s this - let’s see if I can put it into words. I can be responsible for myself. And not just for my feelings, choices etc. But for how I effect other people. And I do effect other people. So somehow me knowing that I can protect myself more. From other people. Oh boy I’m not explaining it. I think I’m afraid to really say it. I’m a magnet. I attract other people. So I need to be careful and just take care of myself and say back the mother fuck up. Especially with women. I always think women can’t be predator. And if they are soft looking and pretty and have high voices - I get even more confused. Which my therapist says means I’m angry. So there you go. Boundaries. Responsible for my boundaries. Recognizing if someone is confusing me, it’s probably making me angry and that means something is off. So that’s what 17 years gets you. Ha! That and I’m SOBER. I no longer pee myself while I’m walking the ONE fucking block from the avenue to my house from a cab thinking to myself “well so I peed whatever I’m a half a block to the house I will take off these pants when I get in there.” I also highly doubt I thought it with that much clarity. It was probably more like “fucking whatever.” Ha! Holy shit. Terrifying.


Does this all seem self-cenetered? It is. And I’m so fucking GLAD I give myself this. Because now I can be helpful in the world. I can be of service. I can use my goodness to help without getting used up. Why am I so angry? Are you judging me? Ha. I guess I feel defensive about how much cuz I do to take care of myself. Good for me is really the thing. I love when other people do it so I’m going to love it that I do it. Byeeeee!

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