Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Hi.

I'm here at the store and I didn't take a shower and I look like I didn't but who cares? I care I guess. I look cute - just not so fresh. Class was fucking amazing last night - so great and I had to work past being FURIOUS because we don't have class on Friday night and I took the night off from work. I was so fucking pissed off and I could feel myself wanting to clamp down on that - just stick me from working. I just breathed and when it was my turn - I just followed his direction and he was seriously like - yelling directions at me - in a good way - hilarious - they loved it and it was REALLY fun. I have to wonder as always - how the fuck do I get myself there? I knew at first I wasn't doing it but then I just didn't know what to do. I could have stopped I suppose and the point of class (as he always says) is to be in process - so it was a great rehearsal really. Super fun - and a lot of energy - while I was doing it I was like I need to be in better shape - WAY better shape. Here is one thing that is odd - after the class being so great and I got some soup, went home, walked the dog and then my self-care just fell apart. I even went back to sleep twice today (which is why I was late) and I didn't need to do that - I really didn't. I don't feel any better having slept but not being showered. So that's weird. Also I think I really want to try to get some work - I woke up so not furious about the cigarette smoke - and I attribute that to being able to work in class like that. On a side note Creepy I think watches me in the mornings - it's so weird. He goes out the back door and I think he sits at McDonald's and watches me. Maybe I'm wrong - buuuut maybe not. So strange. Anyway - I also had this thought......If God wants to come through me like that and it brings people true pleasure - then aren't I doing service by letting myself do this work? I had some other revelation last night but I can't remember what it was. It's a little chilly today - strange. What a mild, wonderful winter we have had. Okay - Blueberry I love you - byyyeeeee!!!

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Hey Blue Blog.

I am - what? I'm not sure. Okay - here - I can say this - I had bad dreams - one about my Uncle and cousin and what happened to them - I dreamed I was watching it - it was awful. I also dreamed I couldn't play this instrument which was a combo harp/ukulele thing that was electric. Everyone was so nice about me not being able to play it but it was really weird. I left the house being annoyed at Creepy because he cries about not having money - he and princess turd cry about having no money and neither of them work and creepy was just on vacation and had a cleaning lady there when I left. The weird part was he had his Guzhend covering the windows of the living room and it was like he didn't want me to know she was there cleaning. Isn't that weird? I was like - who IS she? He had on this horrible new outfit on when he got back from his vacation. Ugh - here' the point - I have so much work to do still but the GREAT part is now I really have all these tools. I prayed and meditated this morning and that helped shake me out of the bad dreams. I got ready for work so I don't feel gross here. I made phone calls and now I am not holding all this stuff to myself slowly getting ready to explode. In all fairness (and I needed someone else to point this out to me) these people in my life who are still making me crazy are only able to make me crazy because I never put up the boundaries necessary to keep myself safe to begin with. Is it really a shock to me that Creepy is all shady and dishonest and narcissistic? Come ON. Or that I even live there. I sound crazy still right?? In another 10 years I am going to be so amazing. Just for today - just for today I don't have to use and today I get to learn a little more how to take care of myself. I went to the eye doctor yesterday. I might still be filled with hate towards people that I didn't ever have the sense to be like - "DON"T PASS THIS LINE" to - but I am seriously taking care of my body, eyeballs and teeth. FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKK. I have to keep putting these shirts in the computer. Bye Blueber. Breathe, breathe, breathe. p.s Also when I left therapy yesterday she said to me "Do you know you have been coming here for a decade?? Since February 25th 2002. You have been working so hard for so long - a decade!!" Holy fuck - and now I can take showers regularly and not drink when I wake up in the morning. I'm like a functioning 14 year old. Huh.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Contemplation. I hear a baby crying???


What the heck? I guess the people who moved next door have a baby? How could I hear that - it must be downstairs? After I wrote on here last night I read where I was this time last year and I was so much more interesting. I mean my writing seemed better and somehow I seemed more grounded. Is that possible? Have I ungrown? What the fuck is going on? I woke up with my stomach beating and it was beating last night all before class, during class and until the second time I did the monologue. I'm just not letting myself be creative enough and I also am being super hard on myself but also I'm totally frustrated and also I feel crazy. How am I not funny anymore? Last night this girl in class - I like her - she said "You are one of the top 3 funniest people I know." Um - what? I really was like - um - I have no idea what to say - who the fuck are the other 2 people - which is what my teacher said. I'm thinking that I'm freaking out about him but in reality I want to be DOING more. I'm getting bored - and really frustrated. Maybe I should be writing a play commenting on the times right now. I could write a play about a woman who does all this self-care and is still insane and even less interesting as a person. That sounds great doesn't it? It could be a half-musical where she plays the triangle and sings a song called "I brush and floss almost everyday but I never have sex - no way!!!" Christ - that poor baby is inhaling cigarette smoke. Last night I thought I have to save the dog and I from this!! Save us!! My energy is all stopped up. Okay - okay - okay - let's stick to the plan - everyday self-care, everyday my programs and everyday something for my art. I think I need to go on some auditions and write a novel. That will make me feel better. I could at least go swimming. Time to raise the bar, bump it up a notch and stretch a little. FUCK - nooooo fucking. Save and move. That's all - oh lord and get a new jobs. Get a new jobs. Maybe get one new job. Jobs. Time to go - byeee.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Sooo a little late night writing...

I had class tonight and I want to write about it. I'm also - what? So tired - so smoked out from the cigarette smoke - there was just THREE of them out there smoking - I think they are in bed now but it reeks in here. I went to class and here's where having a crush on the teacher gets in the way - or not and maybe it's all just lessons learned. HOWEVER - I went and got my filling today which was so fucking traumatizing - I was shaking for like 30 minutes afterwards and I literally had to pray during the whole thing and say "Trust God - just trust God." Um - I got a teeny tiny filling done - so small that she didn't even give me the full thing of Novocaine - I mean - seriously? It didn't even hurt. I think I scared the dentist. Anyway - so I got home form that and I wanted to change my clothes to go to class but instead I changed my socks - what? Exactly. I didn't want to be "dressed up" on my day off because I didn't want the teacher to think I liked him. UM - WHAT? The character worked so well the other night because I was dressed up!! I just didn't do my homework - that's all. It made me really nervous and I didn't go till the end so I sat there freaking out for the whole time. Plus he talks soooooo much!!!!! Vampimg he calls it? Holy fucking cow. Plus - okay - how do I say this - I don't know - I don't want to feed this energy - I want to feed the creative energy. So anyway when I worked finally it was lame and then it was only okay and - well - I came home and worked on it according to his notes and it was fun and so much better. Okay - so I will work on it - do my home work and let myself do it. the other girl at the boutique sent the end of day report and it said they we can't wear the earrings anymore and it really fucking annoyed me - it wasn't her idea - she was just relaying the owner's message. The owner ( what should I call her??? Queen Ice Cream Plop? Queen Crap? Ice Tangle?) came in the other day and I had a pair on and she said something and I thought she was annoyed but I couldn't figure out why since we are supposed to wear the jewelry - or at least that's what I was told. So I wrote back something snarky. I shouldn't have done that. I don't want to wear her weird crap anyway. She would be real annoyed if she knew I was wearing a pair and they broke when I took them off yesterday. Seriously - they cost her 5 dollars and no one has been buying them and she told me to take them off display anyway. So I know she wasn't saying not to wear the earrings because of that because I didn't tell her. Fuuuuuuck that. I just threw them out. Her kids are going to need so much therapy. She's just not warm. Really? Why do I expect people to be loving to me? Well - I don't know - I guess I just get defensive - that's not her fault. I still need this job - what am I doing? We probably shouldn't be wearing the shit anyway. This is a point where I'm to learn not to react right away - especially when I'm mad. React being the right word. Or the wrong word - whichever. So jeez - still learning. I did a little bit of yoga when I got home and some sit-ups - that's good - made me feel like a different person. This kid in my class walked me out and hugged me good bye and kissed me on the cheek as I went into the grocery store. Isn't that cute? It was really sweet - very - actory. I have to go read Beyond Codependency - I'm clearly not where I need to be yet as far as other people's behavior not affecting me. Byeeeeeee Bluebie.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

It has been so busy here

at the boutique so I haven't been able to write on here the last couple of days. working at work - bullshit!! Well anyway - things are okay - I'm practicing crazy, radical acceptance at the house. Creepy is gone and his friend - this woman he went to college with - is there babysitting Princess Turd. It's actually been much nicer there. They need a mother. She is drinking with him every night but there isn't any drama and last night they made a big movie screen in the parlor room - it was kind of awesome actually. They had some friends over and well - it was awkward to feel the drinking energy but I just went to bed. As I was walking through the kitchen to go out back to walk the dog this kid with really high pompadour tri colored hair who had to be 20 at best was like "oh!! Animal!!" about the dog. I just found that to be so ridiculous. Class is great - I love this monologue I am working on and I went to the Met twice to look at the section of the museum dedicated to the people in this monologue. That is one thing I love (besides the many) about acting - the research. It's such a fascinating, fun way to find out about things. Oddly enough I didn't love that when I was teaching. Huh. Weird. So it's warm today and - ugh - I don't know. He said the oddest thing in class on Tuesday - he said the harder choice on stage is to make the positive choice. He also said that my character is obsessed with the joy these people had. I was just saying in therapy on Monday how much joy is lacking in my life. I mean - not laughter - but JOY. Am I the most boring person in the world? Anyway - so that's where I am. I suppose making the positive choice in life in general is the harder choice. Okay - Bluebie - I love you!! Thanks for being here. My heart will go on.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Day off today....

I just spoke on the phone with my alanon sponsor - she's really nice - we are off to a verrrrry slow start - holy fucking turtle cow. I woke up to a lot of smoke but I put the fan on and that helped. I actually asked Creepy yesterday if Princess Turd could go sit on the bench at least and smoke and he said - I'm not kidding (while he waved his hand no) "Any modicum of happiness he can have he needs." Sooooo now I know that if I just ask the situation won't change. I really hope in a year when I read this I will be like "Oh - wow - I was so crazy with that smoke - so much has changed - I have really grown." One amazing thing that happened was I managed to not manipulate a conversation out of a woman trying to figure out something about my acting teacher. I was really proud of myself - I just didn't go there. It really isn't any of my business his life and it won't do anything but make me crazy anyway. It just felt so much healthier to NOT go to where I would have gone in the past. I might not be making any sense but for me - this was huge. I also managed to not buy anything when I was upset last night. I was just feeling so sad about my uncle and cousin and my dead boyfriend - it was too much. I just wanted to not feel those feelings but shopping just wasn't going to work. I didn't need anything and - it just wasn't right. I had McDonald's for dinner instead. 5 dollars later and I felt better and wasn't dragging around some shit I didn't need. I'm tired - I might need to go back to bed. I should write a gratitude list right now. Here we go - I'm so grateful for:
My dog
my family - my loving sister(s)
my new friends in programs (and old friends)
my jobs and the money i make
healing
opportunities
the quiet right now
hearing the birds chirp
pleasant morning
my new sponsor for alanon and her being so nice and gentle
this day off - much needed.
Going to the Met yesterday!!!

Bye Bluebie - love you.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

I always feel guilty....

and then I get mad. I woke up today and again - cigarette smoke. I walk the dog and walk through the living room - where they always are - and I asked how they were and Princess said "Good." I guess that is his way of being charming. I walk the dog and while I'm walking the dog I realize how I always feel like I'm doing something wrong - I always feel like I'm about to get in trouble - that even though I was polite and I never say anything about the cigarette smoke - the fact that I even have the feelings I'm somehow wrong. I come back and Princess is just there on the steps smoking. There are ashes all over the steps - he doesn't even bother to actually even go over and sit on the bench. Anyway - I just looked at apartments. I tried when I was walking around yesterday to look for buildings with signs on them but I didn't see anything. I'm really frustrated - I feel like I am getting old here - I need to save myself. I have the fan on - the central air fan and I opened my window and put the regular fan in the window. When I got back inside Creepy was like "How is it out there guys??" Like Princess Turd and I were having a little experience together. Princess said nothing and just stared at me while I was like "It's great" in a really stiff, awkward, awful way. Here's the reality - I'm not trapped here even though it feels like it. I just can't seem to get past feeling victimized by this and I can't seem to accept it. I can get myself out of this - I really can - it's just going to take some work. Okay - I'm shaking. It just makes me so sick the smoke. On my way to work the other day they were at the door going out also and Princess had one of his leather wallet purse things and he was like "Oh I wanted to show this to you." Um - what??? WHY? You don't like me - you smoke under my window even though you know I hate it - HATE IT - and I already told you I don't do the buying for the store and she doesn't sell homemade things. I'm great by the way - thank you for asking. Try having some manners you ridiculous piece of shit. Soooooooooooooooooooo - okay. I should try writing a song about it. Bye Blueberry - love you.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I just don't like people that smell.

I left this amazing meeting last night and as I was rushing to get into a cab to make it to class on time this woman comes out of nowhere and was like "Oh - where are you going so we aren't fighting for a cab?" We end up sharing a cab - because she was completely pushy about it - me, she and her friend. In retrospect I realized I should have just given them the cab and gotten into another one - there were I'm sure plenty. I drop them off and on the way she grills me about my life - as I drop them off - she doesn't have change - asks if I will treat them - then gives me her card and tells me she will give me a free life coaching session instead. Her friend was like e"Call her!! She's 18 years sober - she's a really powerful force!!" In the cab (where she smelled - she had bad breath and she had this frozen smile on her face the whole time - frozen bad breath face) she asked me if I was an actress (because I was on my way to an acting class) and she asked me what my plan was and I said I was letting it happen organically - she said "How's that working out for you?" I should have jumped out of the cab right then. She smelled - how do you smell? It wasn't hungry bad breath or even rotten teeth bad breath - it was like - just - maybe don't talk to this lady bad breath. Maybe she was thirsty? There was something very dry about it. The good part was that even though the experience upset me - especially because when she told me she was a coach - I thought she meant acting coach and then I look at her card and it says "Life Coach" - I didn't let it affect my work in class and I didn't bring it into class to talk about. The sickest part is I want to go to her and get that free session!! What a horrible woman. She was soooo aggressive and pushy and between that and the bad breath - honestly - I should have jumped out at the corner. I learned a valuable lesson - if someone pushes - go. I was trying to be nice and I ended up mad and offended. The class was great - all the work I did for the monologue paid off and he didn't even ask what I did. He just said it was wonderful and how preparation is everything. He just saw the work - amazing. Now I don't have class for a week but honestly that's okay. I need to clean, and make some money. I also need to move and so now on Friday I can roam around actually looking at buildings. Yes!! Okay - plus I have all this other work I want to get to. Yesterday was a really busy day here at the store but today is quiet - so I will be able to get some of my own stuff done. Amazing. Okay - byeeee Bluebie - I love you. p.s. I used to smell really bad - I mean REALLY bad. I'm just saying.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Here on the farm and have found myself inspired.


I worked on my monologue for class and I walked through the farm and went to the pond in the woods and did the monologue all over the place. I made this place Spoon River. It was really helpful and freeing. I will do more in the morning when it isn't so cold. My Mom and I went to the beach and of course it was GORGEOUS and freezing!! The z in freezing. No z and it's freeing. Don't stop for the z and you're free. I made my mother laugh telling her all about Princess Turd and Creepy and all their drama. I also told her about my second audition for class and I told her all about the class. After I told her about my second audition she said "Oh I hope you are writing this all down" and I realized - I'm not. I should be keeping a better rehearsal journal and I should be writing more on here. So here is what happened at the second audition - when I auditioned for the master teacher. I went in - he told "You can be charming later" and I did my monologue. He said "Oh you picked the SHORTEST monologue - why?" I explained why and then we worked together and as we discussed working on characters - I said "I love being in a character and being surprised by what they say - by what happens" and he said "Yes!!" Then I said "Oh I have this character **(*&^IE that I do and I am always surprised by her." He said "Great - let's do it" I did it - we spoke to each other while I was in character - I did a show for him (her art) and it was fun. He called the man out from backstage who is my teacher now and we also spoke. Now I am in class with that man and learning from the older man even though he isn't really there. Got it? Lord - let me forget my z's and become free. My teacher now keeps saying "Don't edit yourself as an artist!!" Yeesh - that's all I do - or all I used to do. Now it is changing. It's all so pretty here even in the winter. I'm excited to work on this more tomorrow - I mean my monologue. I am typing on my Mother's laptop but my light is a big red flashlight - the industrial kind. She thinks it is so hilarious and clever that she uses this instead of a lamp. She just told me a story of when she was a teenager and dumped peroxide on her head (she just took it out of the medicine cabinet and was like oh - what would this do??) before bed and nothing happened so she went to sleep and her mother came to wake her up in the morning and screamed because her hair was white. Then she went to school and everyone was on silent meditation so none of the nuns could say anything to her but kept doing double takes. They had to wear blue beanies for the meditation also and she kept trying to pull hers over her (newly) blonde (very) hair but it wasn't working. Sooooo this is where I get it from!!!! She just dumped an entire bottle of peroxide on her head and went to sleep!!! Haaaahhahahaa!! I totally get it. I'm going to go eat some homemade chicken pot pie. I told Creepy that the dog and I were going on a doggie date and that we would be back. I think he could actually tell I was lying!! He's a professional liar so I guess he could tell. Whatev's - I felt safer this way. I am going to actually go LOOK at buildings I might want to live in this week. Somehow, someway. I am totally stalling on doing tis ammends. K - byeeeee.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Working on keeping my heart open.

In my readings this morning while I prayed there was a passage about keeping your heart open even when you don't get what you want and seeing the miracles happen from that place. So all day I am working on keeping my heart open. I also realized how much in fantasy I live. so many imaginary and mostly negative conversations already happened in my head today and it's only 11:15. So - well - these are all things to work on. I am going home to see my parents this weekend. I'm going to do my ammends with my Mom - I'm so fucking nervous it's insane. Or it's nervous. I'm so nervous it's nervous. My nervous is nervous. I want to go to the beach so badly. Yesterday when I was meditating I thought about the beach and surrounded are of one of my favorite places in my hometown and my heart opened up so wide. It was really such a relief. I think after this weekend I will feel much better. I must say I am still fighting this cold and now Creepy is sick and he doesn't use soap so I am convinced he is trying to get me sick again. how paranoid and awful is that? I just keep washing my hands and putting on hand sanitizer. It will be okay. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. That is really hard for me to accept - I have to say. I meditated before bed last night for 5 minutes and it was amazing. I had such a moment of relief and I really thought how this is something I have really longed for. The quite times where I can land back in my breath. I worked for hours on my character and I realized that she's not a hooker. why did I think that because she's a dancer she's a stripper? How bizarre is that? It's like when I brought the dog to the vet and they put those electrodes on her - I asked if they were putting the clamps on her nipples. They were like - um - no - they go on her armpits. I was so embarrassed. Oye yoi yoi. No wonder the class was confused by me saying "I wasn't THAT kind of dancer." Love you Bluebie.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Lord have mother fucking mercy.

I am really coo-coo for coco-puffs. I'm - well - ugh - I don't know - I am just not - even - i can't even write. I found so much solace writing on here and now that I am all crazy again doing all this alanon stuff - I just feel embarrassed. Well - okay - there I said it. I can't believe what a wound there is inside me. That class was so hard last night and I was - not that awful as an actress but as a person - I was awful, aggressive and - just not authentic. Well - okay - so. Her Lady Wonder is being so patient and kind with me but this is very painful. I know I'm not really making sense. I worked for hours today on this character. I definitely have worked through some of what was blocking me. Let's face it - the writing is amazing and I just have to dance with that. Dance with the writing of this piece. I upset my teacher - or shocked him - I don't know. His eyes got really blue and it made me nervous. I'm going to grow up out of this behavior - I really am. I really think that so much of what happens in the world has to do with me and it just doesn't. He was way nice before I left but I took the shock with me. Lord - you should have seen me emotionally eating Pirates Booty waiting for the subway. It was worse than the way my mother eats popcorn. I was also hungry but I was upset. I was eating like I hadn't eaten in 4 days. Oh my lord. It's cold out today. I am going to go home right after this. I need to go to bed early - I haven't slept well the last 2 nights. Remember before when I said "I can't believe what a wound there is inside me?" Jeez but also - oh. I really had no idea. Becoming present is hard. I have to pee so bad and a lady just walked in. One of these days I will pee while sitting here I swear to God. Just pee all over the chair and floor. Like in that movie Secretary - only I won't get carried away and put in a bed of grass because of it. What? Seriously? I think I can hold it. Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Tuesday at the boutique.

i am just writing to write. Maybe I should just write a little ditty. Here we go and a 1, 2, 3......

I'm frustated and annoyed
Nothing new but maybe a different hue aaaannnnddd
AAAAAAHHHHAAAHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA want to go
home - but not the one I live in or the one I came from
AAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHHAAAAAAA want to be in the place I dream
I live and I SCREEEEAAAAMMMMMM!!!

repeat.

Bye BLueb.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Welllll.....

so Princess Boris The Turd is out of the psych ward and creepy came up to my room to say he (Princess) is going to stop drinking for awhile and that they will see a counselor this week. So everything is going to be fine. Ummmm - riiiight. So - well - there you go. They told the poor kid he has paranoid delusions or some shit like that and I felt so awful. He doesn't have paranoid delusions - he's 21 and he's upset. I mean he does seem like an addict to me but that is beside the point. I was so mad last night. Plus Creepy was in his (Barf) bathrobe when he was talking to me and he kept standing way to close to me and getting closer. I kept backing up and then I folded my arms around myself like a shield and I was so annoyed!! If someone kept backing up from me AND crossing their arms like a freak AND exhibited CLEAR signs of uncomfortableness I would thing "Oh - holy shit - I am being really aggressive and freaking this person out - maybe I should back the fuck up." That being said I also could have said and had every right to say "Please back up - you are making me very uncomfortable and you are in my personal space." I can say that - I am not a victim of these people - it is not my fault and I have nothing to do with them nd I have every right to feel uncomfortable when a Creepy person in a bathrobe is near me and is CREEPING me out. He had stubble on his face and clearly had been in bed all day and at one point he picked something off the belt of the bathrobe - like just a hair or I have no idea what. But with his long fingernails and creepy hands and the way he so casually picked this thing off like he had on a $2000.00 suit - like he was completely groomed - was so fucking weird. It just really bothered me. I kept seeing him pick off that stupid piece of lint or whatever it was all fucking night. He also said that he would buy Princess all the cigarettes he wants!!! Just no alcohol. Awesome. I was so mad last night when I got to work. The cigarettes all day under my window - and just the ridiculousness of this situation. Hearing someone insane talk about how someone else is insane is SO crazy. He took no responsibility for the fact that his inability to keep it in his pants is what caused this. So fucking bizarre. Her Lady Wonder told me to do something nice for myself today but money is tight this week. Maybe a nice meal - I can do that. I am giving myself a physical challenge. I am going to do some yoga everyday for 2 months and I am going to do sit-ups everyday and I am going to start swimming again. I feel like in order to get better from these awful jobs and this insane place to live the best thing I can do is - just get better. It's so crazy - I don't know what else to do. I'm so fucking bored. I can clean and wash my sheets today. Big Superbowl day. I have a feeling these guys won't be watching it. Okay - I'm going to pray and meditate. Bye Bluebie - I love you.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

911 this morning.

Boris The Princess Turd had to be taken away because he was going to hurt himself. I really don't know what to say. I can say that I really do understand completely where he is. He shaved his head and he has lost his mind. He is so hurt! Creepy had to leave the house last night because Princess was being so abusive. So because he wasn't there last night he thought he was with a lover. Well - here's the thing - when I was married and I realized - what a disaster it was and what a liar my husband was - it was ugly. It was really, really ugly. Plus I was a complete drunk and I smoked pot all the time. He had his own addictions and neither of us had a program. This isn't fun to write about. They don't have any help. Life is too hard without help. I'm so sorry for them - it really sucks. So anyway - I listened in on an Al anon meeting and that helped. I'm kind of a mess but I will be okay. I wanted to drink last night, and today I felt also like I wanted to escape. I started to blame them and then I realized "Hey!! I'm an ALCOHOLIC!! I will always want to drink on some level - please - I can't blame them." So there you go. Besides this is just kicking up dirt I haven't cleaned up yet. Plus I need to move. That's all. It's going to be okay. I still managed to work on my monologue for class and I got some sleep. Not enough but not just s tiny bit. It's really okay - I will be okay. I do not feel like they will be okay. I don't see this ending well - Boris is completely self-destructing. Poor Creepy is so sad. The knife stealing lady got so scared last night that she locked herself in her room. She was gone by way early this morning. I guess she probably can find a more peaceful place to steal from. How crazy is that? Yeesh - what am I supposed to do? I'm going to look for apartments right now. Okay Bluebie I love you.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Wednesday.

Heya Bluebie - what's uuupp?? Princess Boris The turd came back and was a big fucking turd. I worried about that kid - tried even calling Cretona to see if he had an email and nothing. Then he comes back and I said I was worried and he said - I'm not even kidding "Of course" and then walked out back and smoked a cigarette under my window. Sorry - like 40 cigarettes. Weeeelll so there you go. At least he's safe and alive - yikes. Creepy gave him money to buy beer as soon as he got home. He also asked me to talk to him and thank God I just went upstairs and watched an episode of House. I had class last night and I was so happy from that that I just didn't even really care about Princess Boris The Turd. I took care of myself and today I woke up early and actually managed to do the tiniest bit of Yoga. I figured I can give myself a challenge of doing it all the time. I figured it's better to start out sloppy and goofy rather than not at all. I will get better. The class was amazing. It was so amazing that I ran away afterwards. I was so shocked at doing the work I was assigned actually - worked. I mean that I understood what I was supposed to do and - Jesus - I can't even talk about it. This is so fucking precious to me right now. It's so fucking amazing. He really like my work also - which is - awesome. The class seemed to like it - I don't know - there is so much love in the room and I just - it's so scary. I really had that I want to lay down feeling all day and I really even told myself a tone point that I didn't have to go there - or my meeting - I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to. Then I remembered that that was what I was like when I was drinking and smoking pot. I was such a disaster and always being like "I'm free!! I can do whatever I want - I'm my own person!!!" Riiiiight. So now I have some more things to work on and one of them is giving myself the permission to not edit myself as I am acting. Or doing any kind of art for that matter. I can still feel it in me but at least I understand what it is that needs to be - not used I guess. The best way to shrink a muscle is not use it. I'm so excited to have class again on Friday!! Alrighty - gotta go help shoppers. Love you Bluebie!!