Working on keeping my heart open.

In my readings this morning while I prayed there was a passage about keeping your heart open even when you don't get what you want and seeing the miracles happen from that place. So all day I am working on keeping my heart open. I also realized how much in fantasy I live. so many imaginary and mostly negative conversations already happened in my head today and it's only 11:15. So - well - these are all things to work on. I am going home to see my parents this weekend. I'm going to do my ammends with my Mom - I'm so fucking nervous it's insane. Or it's nervous. I'm so nervous it's nervous. My nervous is nervous. I want to go to the beach so badly. Yesterday when I was meditating I thought about the beach and surrounded are of one of my favorite places in my hometown and my heart opened up so wide. It was really such a relief. I think after this weekend I will feel much better. I must say I am still fighting this cold and now Creepy is sick and he doesn't use soap so I am convinced he is trying to get me sick again. how paranoid and awful is that? I just keep washing my hands and putting on hand sanitizer. It will be okay. Everything is the way it is supposed to be. That is really hard for me to accept - I have to say. I meditated before bed last night for 5 minutes and it was amazing. I had such a moment of relief and I really thought how this is something I have really longed for. The quite times where I can land back in my breath. I worked for hours on my character and I realized that she's not a hooker. why did I think that because she's a dancer she's a stripper? How bizarre is that? It's like when I brought the dog to the vet and they put those electrodes on her - I asked if they were putting the clamps on her nipples. They were like - um - no - they go on her armpits. I was so embarrassed. Oye yoi yoi. No wonder the class was confused by me saying "I wasn't THAT kind of dancer." Love you Bluebie.