Passively Aggressively Controlling Other People Is Exhausting

Hellooooooo.  I am so so so, so so tired.  I am taking such better care of myself so it's not like in the old days tired - or even before I knew I had cancer - that tired.  Ooo - that tired was not good.  Okay so this tired is because on some level I am still trying to figure other people out and somehow control other people's thoughts and feelings -mostly.  Wait what?  Yes -that's it.  Alanon.  It's that recovery.  Who wants to hear about this stuff?  Yeesh - it's really like eating raw broccoli.  My father used to say yeesh.  Ha!  who actually says that?  So funny.  He would say it all sort of under his breath and it had such a  weighty sarcasm to it.  "Yeeesh."  ANYWAY - well I just pooped so honestly I feel A LOT less tired.  I mean I didn't poop while I was typing this - I got up and went into the bathroom.  LIKE A LADY.  I have to do a lot of driving tonight for a show but I am happy to do it.  I have been busy doing stuff so I feel really grateful.  On a VERY exciting note I discovered a cereal that is SO GOOD and healthy and it's everything I have ever wanted in a snack.  I am so worried about this stupid corona virus that I ordered 4 bags of it to make sure I have enough food in case we can't leave the house.  I was so embarrassed when the guy delivered it today because I realized that I was in a panic probably for no reason and who gets 4 BAGS of cereal who doesn't even have kids?  Anyway I am freezing and I need to get ready for tonight.  Drop those shoulders and breathe.  Go slow.  Drink water.  Just calmly and slowly mover forward.  Stay in yourself.  Be kind.  Do things as cleanly as possible.  Be even more kind.  How it possible that these things are so hard to do?  It will get easier - it will.  Love you Blubie!

Taking Care of Yourself As A Stupid People-Pleaser

What I am learning is SO CRAZY about being a dumb people-pleaser because I am not really a people-pleaser if after I people please I am ENRAGED.  Or worse - are you ready?  Depleted.  DEPLETED.  How fucking gross is that?  I would die if someone was like (and they probably have been) "Oh yes last night was nice, we had dinner, went to the park and afterwards I felt completed depleted and devoid of nourishment.  I was just SUCKED DRY! But I didn't say anything or leave - I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  But yeah!  Was really nice except how horrendous I feel today." Okay I don't know if anyone has ever said something like that about me - but maybe?  OMG - I don't want to beat myself up.  No need and I can't change anything until I realize it and even if I realized it before I really realize it now.  Ready for Part 2?

(I probably said this before BUT) Part 2:

I AM THE CAPTAIN OF MY INNER SHIP.

Okay so everyone is right?  But I didn't know that!  It has always been so fucking confusing to me.  It's this empathy stuff too...am I feeling your feelings, my feelings or that man's feelings at that table over there? And what do I need to do?  This is exhausting me writing this.  In all of this is freedom - I know that.  Freedom and a shift in responsibility - to me and my inner ship.  My thoughts.  My FUCKING DANCE SPACE.  Why am I so worked up?  I will tell you why.

Reason #1 - I am tired.

Reason #2 - I went to the radiologist for my check-up and she talked to me a lot about that stupid pill and it upset me.  At first it upset me because as she was talking to (at) me about it I was doing this thing...Shaking my head up and down, intensely listening, giving her amazing eye contact - assuring her I was present and listening.  MEANWHILE - I only went to her because she has been one of  the only doctor's that hasn't given me a hard time for not taking this pill.  So I was (GROSS) people-pleasing and I didn't even want to hear ANTYTHING she had to say.  So I stopped myself mid people-pleasing.  Shifted my eyes away and got my inner life in check and stopped "taking care of her" and just listened.  Let my shoulders drop.  She doesn't need me to take care of her.  And I will tell you what else - it's hilarious to think I COULD take care of her.  I said I went and got a second opinion and that that doctor also said I should take the pill and do you know what my radiologist said?  She said (and I quote) "I don't need her to tell me you should take the pill - I am a radiologist oncologist - I know you should take the pill."  OKAY.  I am pretty sure she doesn't need me to worry about her FEELINGS.  Or her ego - what.

Then after all that and her lecturing me (nicely) for 15 minutes she said I could make whatever decision I wanted and she would stand behind me.  So that's good right?  Very confusing and felt somewhat manipulative but also not.  Anyway I went for my check-up and I will continue to take care of myself.  It's sitting with my own feelings, sitting with my own stuff...making my own decisions and just accepting I can't please everyone or even anyone.  I am really realizing also that it doesn't matter what I do or don't do.  People act however they want to and if they want to be happy they are, if they want to be miserable they are.  They man their ships and I man mine.  I have just been mis-using my energy all these years.  My energy, my money and my food.  Just throwing my energy out the window and my money!  And then just never ever nourishing myself correctly.  I finally got an app and I am able to record all my food and see what nutrients I am and am not getting.  It's blowing my fucking mind.  I just have to record EVERYTHING and then I can manage it.  But how do I record interacting with people?  But really - there is only so much I can give - only so much I have.  Just like everyone.  I had no clue.  I was giving out way more than I should and then also just taking on SO MUCH of people's shit - for FREE.  But that's my fault but also I didn't realize that's what I was doing.  ISNT THIS FUN?//


Okay byeeeeeeee.

So Cold

It's so cold out & I don't want to go to work tonight.  I went to lunch and had a salad so now I want to eat the fried chicken one of the other girls was eating at lunch and go to sleep for a decade. Not really!  I just am so tired!  Also why is it so hard to eat a salad?  It was delicious!  Fresh!  Yummy salmon on it!  Really!  Not lying!  Plus I felt good afterwards!  It's just that sick thing in me that's like "Oh you ate a salad at a bbq place?  You were good?  NOW BAKE A CAKE AND FRY A CHICKEN COOK SOME BACON GET CHEESE AND THEN FUCK ALL OF IT! PUT IT IN YOUR VAGINA AND FUCK IT THEN EAT IT AND FUCK IT AGAIN." That's what my brain says. Haha no it doesn't but it feels like that's what it says.  Either way I can't stop thinking about that fucking fried chicken and waffles.  It's okay though - you know why?  I've had fried chicken & waffle before - plenty of times and I don't need it right now.  That's all.  Easy peasy.  I just don't need it right now.  I need me and to work on my stuff for tonight......it's sunny out and even though it's cold the sun is glorious.  We had a good day yesterday - the shoot was really fun and I took really good care of myself there too.  Okay so yeah.  Went to a meeting last night & alanon this am.  Okay gotta go work.  Love you Bluebie byeee!

Healing

Things are becoming clearer to me as I go on and that means that I am also realizing that I need to heal and I am healing.  Jesus hasn't all of this been about healing?  Yes - yes it has.  So top of the list is my sensitivities and how to take care of myself so more wounding doesn't happen.  Greaaaaat.  Here's what I learned and re-learned this week.

1. Some people are sad and don't feel good (been there).
2. This has nothing to do with me (OH.).
3. If other people's sadness, anger, grossness, rudeness, weirdness, finger pointing or WHATEVER - really bothers me and I mean BOTHERS me then it's something in ME that needs to be healed in probably the same way ( OHHHHHHH!).
4. There are all sorts of ways for me to take care of myself and my body around people that make me uncomfortable and also all sorts of ways I can help my body to heal on a daily basis.
5. I can't remember what 5 is.
6. Nobody is trying to make me feel uncomfortable - most of the time - sooo therefore it has nothing to do with me (my dance space - your dance space, that's all - if you can feel shit in my dance space even though you aren't in my dance space that's your problem or really my problem since I am talking about myself.).
6. It's a miracle I am still alive & sober since I am somewhat of an open wound in the wind but also I guess I am not.  Per my last post I think I am probably stronger and more capable than I realize it's just I do have a head that's somewhat in the clouds.
7. THERE'S FAT IN EVERYTHING! I am now focusing on a low-fat diet since that is very helpful for cancer not coming back and it's in every single food I love.
8.  It's okay- everything is okay.
9. I'm so tired but in a good way.
10. I'm getting back to myself again and I am so grateful.  20 years to circle back to me.  I missed me.

LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE

In My Own Way?

Is thinking I am worse than I am - being in my own way?  It must be....my guy says that my duplicity comes from thinking I am worse than I am...that it's dishonest because  I am not awful...I am good, talented and I work hard.  I have always worked hard.  Um except those 8 years where I was drinking, smoking pot and not doing anything.  EXCEPT FOR THEN - I have always worked hard.  Haha that made me laugh - OMG - WHATEVER - my point is that I am changing once again and it's confusing or something.  I don't know - this feels stupid.  I am just uncomfortable because I have stopped doing something (for now at least) that is no longer bringing me joy,  So I have space now for other things and it's uncomfortable.  It's just like anything else that's not good for us - we stop doing it and then we're like "WHAT EXACTLY DO I DO WITH ALL THIS TIME?? OH OKAY I CAN CLEAN OUT THE FRIDGE AND ORGANIZE UNDER THE BATHROOM SINK BUT ISN'T THAT SELFISH????"  Grooooss.  Yeah.  Just having a hard time letting myself just let unhealthy things go.  I'm also thinking constantly about my sponsor saying I need to desensitize myself from how uncomfortable I am around other uncomfortable people.  She says the degree to which I am bothered is unhealthy.  Okay she didn't use that word but that's what she meant.  Maybe she just meant it's not manageable - which it isn't.  God I was so uncomfortable when I left the kids house yesterday...the Dad was sad, or tired?  I don't know but it felt like he needed something emotionally which I completely rebuffed (just instinctually) but I don't even know if that's what was happening.  It's so uncomfortable feeling other people's feelings - and honestly just GROSS because I feel responsible even though now the better I take care of myself the less responsible I feel.  This is so self-absorbed - I KNOW.  There has got to be a way that I can be more useful in the world.  I will be - I know. Maybe I am with this family so I can learn slowly to desensitize from people's emotions.  Because they are very nice people and they are very good to me.  VERY.  The kids are good kids.  Yeah but I now get to heal myself from this stuff.  My codependent stuff.  I am already healing.  I can just let it happen.  Yeah.  Stay in today, just do today.  That's it.  One of the greatest tools of all these programs - just do it for today.  So there you go - just for today I am going to stay in me and my own body and just be responsible for what I am asked to be responsible for.  That's it.  Love your Blueberry Blog Face.

Broccoli. Duplicity. The turning & Passing of Tiiiiiiime

Haha that made me laugh.  OKAY.  I started to eat broccoli again.  BIG NEWS!  I stopped eating it because it made me fart but now it doesn't and I am guessing it's because I am not eating the broccoli in cheddar cheese soup.  Um yeah.  So OKAY.  Also I think I thought that it was gross but it isn't.  It doesn't even taste bad.  WHO THE FUCK AM I?  I morphed into another fucking being!  I sautéed it this week with some turmeric infused olive oil in a pan with some garlic and it was good!  Then I had enough to put on my little gluten free, nut cheese pizza that I make.  ALSO GOOD!  Does it make me want to fucking CUM like that pizza near one club I work at?  Ah not quite.  But I also don't feel like I am dying the next day after eating it.  Or 3 days later when I am bloated and can't poop.  Hey!  Lower digestion issues - hey!  I sang that.  I truly think my issues with dairy have been even more difficult to get past than drinking.  Because just like with booze people are like (with a super panicky, judgmental tone) "Why can't you eat pizza??  What's wrong with pizza?  There's nothing wrong with dairy unless it isn't organic!  EAT WHAT YOU WANT CHEESE IS LIIIIIFE DO IIIIT."  Something like that.  Then I eat it and I LOVE IT and then I am dying.  Sooooo just like with drinking and everything else I can't really have it.  It makes my eyes sweat and honestly and truly nothing else makes my eyes sweat.  Why does anyone else even care what I eat anyway?  Why am I telling them?  I guess that's a better question!  GOOD FUCKING LORD.  My sponsor said I need to desensitize myself to other people - that I am too sensitive.  My therapist says I need more insulation.  Anyway I just got sleepy and I need to go get some groceries then cook for the week.  I also want to do this.  It gives me so much pleasure to grocery shop & cook.  Really & truly!  It's sunny out today and we got up early and went to a meeting.  It's not super exciting but it is really such a beautiful way to start the day and I don't have to tell anybody and I can just spend my day helping to take care of us.  There's a time and a place for me to tell people stuff and I have no idea when or where that is but maybe it's just here!  I literally am just talking to myself aaaall the time but it's okay - I really enjoy my own company.  I guess some space is good from other people and with the space will come an understanding (for me) of how to really be able to be around other people in a more manageable way.  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE!!

The Inner Struggle Is Real

I don't feel well today - like I have a cold or something?  My back hurts, my kidneys, my brain is fogged...I am eating so well and really taking great care of myself...but these codependent issues are getting me down man.  I mean I had no idea that's what codependant meant.  CO - meaning BOTH.  Okay you know what I am not doing this!  I am not going to write about whatever is wrong with me and why I am not feeling well.  I really think a huge part of it is I am detoxing from caffeine.  That's it!  So how about a gratitude list?  Did I hear a groan out there?  OH WELL.  Oprah & Deepak Choprah say "Every grateful moment makes me healthier."  So here we go...

1. This blog and the years of comfort and private expression it has given me.
2. Slow learning.
3. Just realized my old roommate who always used my computer when I wasn't home not only saw all my porn windows or whatever they are called and also probably read this blog and I am laughing because I also heard him jerking off like a FIEND a few times soooooo - living with people is awkward. Haha - ah laughing is better than being embarrassed.
4. Learning to practice trust and letting myself go very, very slow.
5.  Being open to forgiveness....
6. All the animals that have been in my life and given me unconditional love & warmth.
7. Realizing I am not always the problem....
8.  Other people are either okay or not and it doesn't matter - all the matters is that I MAN THE FUCK UP  & take care of myself and let them take care of themselves.  From a loving place.
9.  This one is important!  I am grateful that I am finally learning why it isn't good to be angry and that I just simply don't have to be.
10. Slowly learning I am what is important and staying in that person that is me.  I am learning from the universe that I can fiercely protect myself. from a loving place and that's VERY GOOD.  All good!
11. My pajams.
12. My floss things
13. Journaling
14. Glasses
15. Jobs
16. Food.

Bye Bluebie looove you.

Hi

Hi.  Yeah so the phone call went well and I was nice and helpful but only a little bit and I didn't people please - I even stood up for myself and said I'm not sure what you are looking for?  THEN someone sent me something that was basically offensive to me and what did I do?  SAID IT WAS GREAT.  Okay Jesus - 2 stupid steps forward and 2 annoying steps back.  Better than just 2 steps back?  IS THAT HOW THIS GOES??  UGH.  Anyway I am taking care of myself and although these days are going by so fucking slowly I really am taking care of myself.  Cooking, water, exercise, writing - doing the fucking dishes.  It's so crazy the place I work now - one of them?  There is a person who does not do the dishes...they leave them all in the sink until I clean them or the cleaning person comes and cleans them.  It's so gross.  And sad!  Mostly sad because they don't have bugs but it's sad and I don't understand it.  Meanwhile I didn't do dishes for DECADES.  So hello. You now what?  I do get it...they don't like doing dishes so they don't do them and leave them for other people to do them.  OKAY.  Figured out that riddle.  I feel like I am back at the beginning of sobriety again with how slowly everything is moving....because I am having to make one little motion at a time......do one little thing at a time...just do this and just don't do that.  Sit and feel all this stuff but go to work for a little bit.  Eat some soup that you made instead of going to McDonald's.....just sit with it and don't.do.anything.  Isn't that the hard part?  Don't do anything.  I am literally shaking my head.  I had no idea how much I was hurting myself by doing so many things that did not make me feel good.  Made me feel bad!  But now I am just sitting here with nothing to do and a whole lot of feelings.  It's okay.  I get it.  How is it only fucking TUESDAY?  Jesus.  This another tectonic plate shift.....slowly, slowly slowly and excruciatingly uncomfortably moving away from people pleasing.  I'm in the hallway.  It's uncomfortable in the hallway.  It's harder to breathe in the hallway.  I have to say though really it's harder to breathe in those rooms where everyone is sucking the life out of them!  It's so crazy though really because even if someone has benefited from my people pleasing - people pleasing is still totally selfish.  And it's a lie.  SO OKAY I AM ONCE AGAIN NOT A VICTIM.  I guess it served me and no longer does.  I am going to say what I said yesterday again...I don't want to fucking hurt myself anymore and it's time I get really honest with myself that I AM THE ONE DOING IT - a lot of the time.  Okay so it's look at myself but don't beat myself up I guess.  I feel there is someone somewhere rolling their internet eyes while reading this but it helps me.  It helps me so much.  Thank you for reading.

Okay!

Well I guess one thing that happens if one stays sober long enough is that the picture gets clearer and it just gets a lot fucking harder to try to force shit to happen.  I am changing.  My life is changing.  I don't want to hurt myself anymore.  I know that sounds so crazy to hear since I have been trying to do exactly that for so long now but I still was.  In so many ways.  One of them is to do things I do.not.want.to.do.  Over & over again.  My guy says it's because of "the old days" when I was a drunk mess - like a left-over feeling of being a piece of shit and that I somehow owe it to people to do things I don't want to do and say yes when I mean no.  Trying to make up for the long ago days.  I also think it's just some seriously deeply ingrained inferiority complex and thinking that if someone feels like they are better than me than they must be and I owe it to them to do their bidding.  Fuck me - it's hurting me to even WRITE this.  But it's true.  But I am done.  I am done from a very, very healthy place because I do not want to hurt my body anymore.  I love my body and doing this stuff hurts me and hurts my physical body too.  It causes stress, tension and makes me feel sick.  But also I don't have the time anymore.....did I ever?  Who does?  And why the fuck would I still be doing this stuff if I am working all the time everyday to try to figure out how to be the best version of myself as possible?  If I don't feel good I am not a good version of myself.


Someone wrote to me this morning and asked me for help and I jumped at it....then I realized I felt horrible....they didn't even ask how I was - just can you help me.  And listen this person has asked me for help many, many times and I never get anything out of it and I always keep helping.  Because I feel like I owe this person something.  But I don't.  I owe me something now.  I have never said no so it's not crazy this person would ask.  I have had a huge part in all of these relationships where I end up feeling awful.  So now it's changing because I just can't do it anymore.  I love myself and I deserve so much better.  My sponsor says that to me all the time and I have never heard anyone say it to me before outside of romantic relationships....but she says "Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way?"  Fucking barf.  I mean baaaaarf.  So here we are.  February 2020.  I have been alive for a log time.  I have been working on myself for a long, long time....and now I finally just don't want to hurt myself anymore.  My poor body has been through enough.  So now I need to practice saying no and being nice about it.  It feels good to write that thank God.  It also feels like it might be the most awkward thing I have ever tried to practice.  Meanwhile I just got a flash of this person calling me, asking me for whatever and for the next year I work on this thing with them haha.  Okay that's not going to happen.  I guess I have just gotten healthy enough to not want to participate in my own abuse or help someone else do it.  Even if they aren't conscious of it.  I'm not saying I am huge victim of other people - I am saying that I have choices now that are VERY clear to me and I am allowed to make them.  The weight of the world is not on my shoulders.  I am responsible for me and my dance space.  That's it.  This is my dance space and that's your dance space.  UGH.  So fucking annoying.  I am guessing though that this is a very teeny, tiny version of this lesson....so yeah it's okay.  I will let you know how this phone call goes.  Love you Bluebie.