Man.

Men.  I love men.  I love man bodies and I love penises.  I like a big dude laying on top of me and I like hairy, muscled bodies.  I like the way men smell and I love big, rough man hands.  I dig men and I love fucking them.  That being said I can not imagine anything that has made me feel less sexy than this.  I don't feel sexy - I feel gross, damaged and broken.  You now wait I take that back.  My bottom made me feel pretty unsexy and being an active drunk was NOT hot although I spent a lot of time humping my radiator.  That being said this is rough and maybe some women get breast cancer and it doesn't effect their sexuality but it's effecting mine.  That being said it's rough with my guy.  I never would have thought he would be like this with something so serious.  He seems to be minimizing it and basically falling short.  Maybe not now - we had a big, long uncomfortable and painful talk last night and maybe things will shift.  I woke up feeling awful and he felt way better.  I don't know.  My tendency is to want to just fucking leave.  I just want comfort and healing and he wants to have sex and have our lives just continue as they were.  Maybe that's the right thing but it doesn't feel like it.  It feels hurtful and just - I don't know what.  Who knows.  I got my period so things are better than last week and certainly better than Saturday.  I have no idea - I have never been in  healthy relationship that has been challenged like this and so I'm fucking clueless.  It just feels like he's being a dick but who knows.  It's a rainy day and I just want to go back to bed.  Maybe I can't heal here with him.  Maybe he doesn't have it in him - lots of people don't.  At least he was honest.  I can handle that.  At least he wasn't making me feel like I'm crazy.  He seemed angry and he is.  He seemed resentful and he is.  I have no idea what the answer is or if there even is one.  No one is perfect.  I just want kindness between us but I also want him to go fuck himself.  Hmmmm that's confusing.  Whatever - Christ I feel guilty even WRITING this - what the fuck is that???  I need to let myself have my fucking feelings and right now I feel disappointed and hurt - that's it.  Do I think he's malicious?  NO.  Does he love me?  Yes I know that.  He seems angry he isn't getting what he wants and that feels fucking hurtful and gross.  So I have no idea what to do or how to help heal myself or us.  What a mind fuck.

The WORST.

I am trying to be positive, I am trying to BE POSITIVE but this is the fucking worst.  If you think PMS fucking sucks normally - add cancer to it - it's other level fucking horrifying.  The guy and I went for a walk in the park earlier and it was one of the worst experiences I have ever had in my life in one of the most beautiful settings.  Fuck.  Just fucking awful.  He's angry and just pushing and doing too much.  That stresses me out then I get upset then he freaks then I shut down and then IT'S THE FUCKING WORST.  He is just one of those enraging people who does shit when he' upset - just go go go.  I want to HEAL and his energy is so INTENSE and he just seems angry all the time.  Right now?  HE'S VACUUMING.  IN HIS UNDERWEAR.  It's 10:00 o'clock at night!  Are you fucking kidding me?  He could vacuum tomorrow right?  Or never?  Who cares!?  We are doing the podcast here tomorrow and yes I wanted to do the dishes and have clean bathrooms but Jesus.  I need some help.  Like a miracle.  I mean for my hormones.  I need a fucking hormonal miracle.  Oh my God he stopped.  Thank God.  Who complains about someone vacuuming?  ME.  MEEEEE!!!  BECAUSE IT'S ENRAGING.  I feel like I can hear his screams inside the vacuum cleaner.  Too much?  I'm just overly sensitive and I'm a mess.  I'm doing all the things....talking to people...asking questions, going to meetings, taking phone calls, doing service fucking BLAH BLAH BLAH.  IT SUCKS.  I'm such a disaster normally when I have PMS and this is just the worst.  Whatever.  I don't want to feed this cancer with my anger but aren't I allowed to be angry?  And why can't he just be calm and CALM.  When we were walking in the park he was walking so angrily I had to cover my ears.  His sneakers crunching the stones was making me literally insane.  Oh God.  Hopefully I can sleep tonight.  I am taking so many supplements that any day now I should be able to levitate.  I look awful.  I need a miracle.  A hormonal, cancer free miracle.

Taking a few minutes.....

to write on here......I am waiting for the doctor to call me to see what to do next.  I am hoping and praying for a date for surgery and no more tests.  The biopsy came back negative from Monday and my genetics test also came back negative.  These are good things and I was relieved but I really, really want to move forward.  Although the idea of surgery is terrifying.  I told my mother who was so sweet and kind.  Strong.  Loving.  My crazy sister was even sweet and supportive.  I guess you just never know how people will react to these kinds of things.  I went and did shows last night - that was great.  I think I have to lay down for a minute - talking to my mother wiped me out!  I have to go see those kids for a couple of hours.  All I do right now is make them lunch, do the dishes and play that video game with the middle one.  Ha.  It's THE BEST JOB EVER.  Then I drop them off at tennis.  Okay I am laying down - love you Blubie bye.

Choice.

I have a choice right now - I think - on how I want to deal with this Circumstance.  Is it annoying I'm calling it that?  Is it annoying I'm asking that?  Ha that just made me laugh.  Anyway you know mentally and spiritually I have a choice.  IS this an opportunity?  A challenge?  I don't know - is this - dare I say - a positive thing?  I don't fucking know.  If I am a co-creator with god and the Universe it's whatever I want it to be I guess.  There have been lots of people so far who have said THINK POSITIVE and I wanted to punch them in the face.  Then one woman - I don't know why just said to think positive, to try to think positive and that she doesn't have tie to let it take her down and I don't know why but it made me feel better.  This is what Louis L. Hay says about Circumstance of The Beasts......"Deep hurt.  Longstanding resentment.  Deep secret or grief eating away at the self.  Carrying hatreds.  What's the use?"  YIKES RIGHT!?  So that's the metaphysical (I think) reason for The Breast Circumstance and the mantra you (me) are supposed to say is "I lovingly forgive and release all of the past.  I choose to fill my world with joy.  I love and approve of myself."  Sigh.  Okay.  I have a stereotactic biopsy yesterday....they put your boob in a mammogram and then do a biopsy and it hurt so bad I yelled.  I was shaking like a leaf.  The Novocain didn't work for some reason.  The crazy part was once the pain was over I was okay spiritually.  It really fucking hurt - worse than anything I can remember feeling - physically but it didn't wound my soul.  So fucking weird.  Anyway I have made a crazy realization that many of the resentments I carry are from people who I FEEL (I'm not saying they did - who the fuck knows) told me I was wrong - AS A BEING ON THIS PLANET.  So.  So okay and so what?  So now I'm in today and here I am.  I have The Breast Circumstance and a bunch of resentments that have confirmed my feeling of low worth.  LOOOOOW.  So what?  It's a mess I can clean up if I want to or not.  What do I want to do?  I have a choice.  We always have a choice even though it doesn't seem like it.  What's the lighter brighter kinder choice?  If I was reading this I think I would think "What choice?  GO TOWARDS THE LIGHT!!!"  Anyway my computer is about to restart!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Raining.

It's raining.  Is that a powerful title or what.  Oh you know what it stopped.  The genetics lady just called and they approved the genetics testing for me which  means it's going to be about 2 weeks before I know when I will have surgery.  Is that true?  I have no idea actually.  I am going to see a woman today who is going to "educate" me...I think?  Honestly I don't know what she is going to do.  They asked me to be part of some study and I said yes.  It's about stress levels during this.  I think I can say I am pretty stressed.  And exhausted.  My energy level is at like nothing.  Which honestly isn't saying much since I was tired already.  Well I just sent the Snake Doctor an email asking him what that might be about.  Googling isn't always helpful because people say lots of scary things but maybe I should do some research?  Not now I have to get ready.  I have horrible PMS and I can't do anything about it since I have that biopsy Monday.  Oh my God - I looked up what kind of biopsy it is and - they lay you face down on this table with your boob poking through a hole and then they raise the table up and do stuff to your boob.  IT LOOKS FUCKING CRAZY.  Once again I am not even sure why I am writing right now.  I guess I just wanted to express my terror and frustration.  That almost made me laugh because it's so fucking dramatic.  It is however how I feel.  I guess the exhaustion is what worries me - like I might be sicker than they realize or something?  I have to say though that I am not sleeping that great and all of this is so overwhelming.  Changing my diet - waiting to hear what is happening now with my other breast while this one waits to be operated on.  Yeah okay that's making me tired.  I have to go get ready to do this - whatever it is at the hospital.  I hope that woman who is the "breast navigator" isn't there.  She was so aggressive.  Holy fuck.  All she did was talk about herself and whatever.  I am sure some people really need that when they are going through this.  A distraction.  It would have been nice if she asked me if I was okay or if I needed anything.  Oh no!  PMS!  I'm trying to replace the PMS with God.  I'm pretty sure it's not working since my mind keeps slipping back into negative thinking and obsessive thoughts.  At least I know that's what they are.  Yeah right.  That's good.  I know it's just my head going in the wrong direction - not something I need to focus on.  Is that me being hard on myself?  I think I am hot - is it hot in here?  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Today.

Today I am - what?  Awake and doing the best I can.  I jogged.  I ate a healthy breakfast and I made some "magic" tea.  I made a phone call about a bill I got and cried when they said it was a mistake.  I'm going to go babysit and I am so fucking grateful for those kids.  Yesterday I brought them to tennis early so I could make one of those radio prank phone calls and they were so great about it.  Sat in my car with me and when the radio station called they got out of the car and sat on the bench.  I was really crazy yesterday - so sad, so upset.  I went and got more mammograms and it was SO painful that I cried.  Maybe I was just crying at the situation.  It did hurt though and they did 6 of them.  Then I got an ultrasound and now I have to get a biopsy in my other breast.  Oh sigh.  It's so overwhelming.  And sad.  I can't help it - it really is sad.  That being said I felt a lot better after I went to the meeting.  And today I feel better after jogging and taking care of myself.  I prayed & meditated this morning and that helped also.  It's such an in-between time of the most uncomfortable kind.  The doctor and the genetics lady also are throwing around the idea of very radical treatment....to which I am thinking about and I suppose I should do some research on.  It's really exhausting and a lot to wrap my brain around.  Anyway I don't even have an appointment scheduled for surgery yet.  Is that what it's called?  An appointment?  Whatever.  I have my anniversary coming up so that is probably making me even more crazy.  Crazy isn't the right word - in my head.  Okay I need to take a shower and go see those kids.  Wish me good vibes at not self-destructing over this whole thing.  I hope I can keep my heart strong.  xoxoxo

Denial Lost.

Well I am finally not feeling well.  I mean I'm home sick on the couch.  I guess it all finally caught up with me and the reality of this has hit me and I'm not feeling well.  I don't know what happened yesterday but I took those kids to the pool and wasn't feeling that great - I have been so tired all week.  I know this sounds insane since I have the Circumstance and so of course I wouldn't feel well but just bear with me....I was so tired all week from not sleeping right because the guy's back was fucked up.  I just thought I was tired and overwhelmed - well it turns out I just ran myself down and by the time I dropped those kids off at tennis I did not feel good.  My throat had started to hurt and I was DONE.  Also I found out I didn't get the commercial - the one where they LOVED me and said I was A STAR.  Haha - no one even called me - I had to ask.  Ugh - I'm over it today but yesterday it just hurt my feelings and was disappointing.  Yuck I don't even like writing it - who gives a flying fuck but the point is I didn't feel good.  I came home and sat on the couch and watched New Girl and 30 Rock for 4 hours.  I drank shitloads of water and really took care of myself and I still woke up not feeling well so I stayed here and here I stay.  I prayed, meditated, took a detox bath, listened to an Alanon meeting, talked to a friend.  I also have been taking all of the stuff the Snake Doctor gave me which is probably another reason I'm sick - I think I am detoxing.  I can't even imagine that I would have more detoxing to do but I GUESS SO.  Oh I also cried - I cried A LOT.  How much fun am I right now?  MY head is clogged and I just feel flu like.  It sucks - that's all and it's supposed to suck and I am letting myself stay home and not feel good.  I'm over it.  I mean trying to push myself when I feel AWFUL.  No is a full length sentence.  That's not the saying.  No is a complete sentence?  I have no idea.  Just no - no I can't leave - I don't want to be stressed out - I feel disgusting no.  Who am I arguing with?  Myself I guess.  I had to take 2 Advil because my head is pounding.  My whole left side of my body is fucked up.  My tooth, the roof of my mouth, my left knee, my left breast - even my lower left back.  The feminine side.  I'm too tired to try and figure out what that means or what to do about it - I'm going to lay down.  Bye.

Little Old Lady Circumstance.

I saw another doctor yesterday who I loved.  She said right away I will be okay and then told me a whole shitload of cray things I have to do before that will happen.  She told me I have a type of Circumstance that only old ladies get.  Little old ladies.  Is that fucking nuts or what?  Have I been that wildly unhappy in my life that I aged myself into an old lady?  Maybe.  I don't know it doesn't matter.  This is where I am and this is what I have to deal with.  I am terrified to do these next tests - they sound very painful, lengthy and uncomfortable.  It's okay I will do it.  I went to see the Snake Doctor and he gave me a shitload of stuff to do and take plus pages of stuff to take and buy.  It will support me.  I have to remember that.  Plus an anti-inflammatory diet - which just in case you are wondering does not involve anything that when you eat it - you feel like fucking it.  No food fucking here.  no more food fucking!!  It's okay.  I'm exhausted.  I am mother fucking exhausted.  I went to a callback today and it was fun.  I was trying to act casual while reading all this shit about the Circumstance.  Gross.  Not gross!  Good for me!!!!  I am taking care of myself!!!  Oh my God the poor guy.  My poor poor guy is so upset - he's a hot mess.  His back is all fucked up - he's had to sleep on the floor and is screaming every morning when he wakes up.  I didn't realize how upset he was.  He loves me.  He loves me so much that now when I really need him - HE'S FALLING APART.  Haha.  No seriously he needs to get it together.  I'm so overwhelmed.  Did I say that?  I am so absolutely overwhelmed.  I need an assistant for this.  How am I going to keep all this straight?  One day at a time.  One thing at a time.  Okay I'm going to go work on figuring out what I need to do tomorrow.  I have a million phone calls to make.  It's okay.  I can hear a owl right now.  I love living here.  I love hearing the cicadas (is that what they are?) and the kids next door.  There's one that's an a-hole - he's always screaming and saying stuff like "And another thing!!"  Have I said that before?  I'm so confused.  Breathe.  I just need to breathe.  Let go of the negative thoughts.  Just let them go.  Just let my brain re-groove.  My poor baby brain needs to re-groove some pathways so I can heal this body.  Help heal this body.  Help this body heal.  Good thoughts - xoxoxo

Waiting.

I'm just waiting.  I have a second opinion for tomorrow and hopefully I will get the results from my MRI - or rather the results.  AM I BORING?  AM I A BORING PERSON WHO IS NOW DYING FROM THE CIRCUMSTANCE??  Holy fuck.  Okay I have to stop writing - I am fucking with my own head.  I am just not even going there and even if I am WHO FUCKING CARES.  I get to be boring.  I have had plenty of drama and blech and creepy sex and blech and who gives a flying fuck.  Boring is awesome.  Bring on the boring.  I would love the Boring medium rare with a side of LAME.  Thank you!  Serenity.  I want boring, beautiful serenity!!!  I have HAD it.  I'm over trying to shove life around to be the way I want it to be and I am OVER it.  What?  I'm mixing up my thoughts.  First thought - bring on the boring.  Second thought - I want to feel good and I don't feel good trying to make life do what I want it to.  Third thought - I'm sick of being mad at God's Creation - which is me.  What have I been doing all my life?  So upset at this thing God created and why?  I'm great!  I'm so lucky!!  Jesus Fucking Holy of God Christ!  I'm just over all of it.  Well anyway.  I'm so tired.  I have been going to auditions and spending time with those kids.  Thank God for those kids.  It is such a relief to hang out with them.  Then they fight and then it's such a relief to leave!  Ha.  What a-holes.  They are great though.  Ugh so Jesus I am just sort of stuck here in the middle waiting.  Waiting for this second opinion, waiting for the MRI results, waiting waiting waiting.  I am exhausted.  But guess what?  It's quiet.  I made myself a great dinner.  I talked to my sister on the phone for an hour.  I can go to bed early.  It's so fucking great and awesomely boring.  Bring it on.  Ohhhhhhh well.  K bye.

Sugarfree Saturday.

Well I still have the Circumstance happening - which is what my friend ugh let's call her Lauren because that's her name - says to call it so that's what we are calling it.  I will call her by her real name and the thing by that one.  What?  Anyway.  Sigh.  But I feel a lot better.  I have talked to a million people and doctors and I went and got an MRI.  I had to get on my hands and knees and pray before I did the MRI because I was so fucking scared.  I did it though.  I got really lucky - it was a new machine so it was big.  They had me on my stomach anyway but still.  I went to see one specialist about what the operation would be like and HOLY FUCK THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE.  He seemed to think it's small and so not much involved but offered to give me a breast lift and reduction while he was in there.  You can't see me right now but I do not need a reduction OR A LIFT thank you very much.  So I have an appointment for a second opinion.  Maybe she will say the same thing I don't know.  Maybe she will make the same seemingly bizarre offer.  Can you even imagine I feel guilty saying that he said that?  It just seemed so strange.  I am trying to make fun of it but I guess it just hurt my feelings but also - it felt like he was trying to sell me a used car.  Or a new car - but - a car.  I was so upset, so freaked out almost all week.  Then I finally calmed down.  I don't even really know what happened.  I think it was my friend Lauren saying it's just a circumstance and it's going to be okay.  She got an MRI two days before me and she was like "It was nothing - I just meditated while I was in there for 20 minutes."  So that's what I did and I also have been just telling myself to be strong and I keep saying to myself "Thank you for my healing thank you for my healing thank you for my healing."  I have been going to meetings and making phone calls to other sober women who have had a similar circumstance.  The kids came back also and I got to take them to the pool for 2 days and that helped so much.  They are so funny, dorky and self-centered - not worried at all about me or what might be going on.  It was so refreshing.  I have continued on this diet and if ever there was a reason to change my fucking thinking as well as my diet it's this one.  So I haven't had any sugar in 22 days!  23?  Wait am I lying?  Yes because I had Tums twice.  Well for the most part I haven't had any sugar, dairy, grains or beans for 23 days.  Tonight for dinner I made salmon cakes with fresh dill, fresh parsley, fresh shallots, almond flour  and sweet potato.  I even made a homemade tartar sauce.  THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD.  Then I made banana ice cream.  Which is frozen bananas with coconut milk, cinnamon and nutmeg.  I also added cocoa.  It's not supposed to be part of the diet but I get a pass (self-given) from the Circumstance.  It's still sugar free!  And it's fucking delicious.  I think maybe it sounds fucking disgusting but when you haven't had any sugar for 23 days it's amazing.  The guy is being so great thank God - we got past that initial hump.  Sleeping has been hard but I'm switching up my coffee use so hopefully that will adjust as well.  I am still totally terrified and sad plus my boob feels electric which I know is in my head but still.  Anyway it's Saturday and it's been a nice day.  I feel lucky and grateful.  Love you Bluebie bye.