Friday, November 30, 2012

Dead mouse smell.

There is a dead mouse somewhere in here - I can't figure out where because I can't move the refrigerator and I don't want to move the stove.  It's so gross.  I mean vomitous.  Um - drinking dream last night.  I'm waiting for the super who is now famous for saying he is going to be here in 30 minutes and never shows up.  I need a shower so badly - my nails are a mess.  I am hoping so much that I don't have to work tonight - I'm tired and I just - last night - I feel so badly when I am there.  When I leave.  Oh - they came and moved everything and they can't find it and they wouldn't take my tip.  Boo.  Grooooosssss and boo.  I need to shower - I really don't want to work - now the apartment is trashed from moving everything.  Oh well - ohhhhhh  At least I am sober.  I have water.  I have a nice Super with an odd helper.  Bye.

Thursday, November 29, 2012


I had another weird dream last night.  I was given a check for $48,000.00 by someone who felt guilty (I think?) for something and it was originally for a lot more - like $98,000.00.  Okaaay - so then I dreamed I was trying to help this couple figure something out - like I was a detective right?  Well as we were looking through pictures I noticed this man in all the pictures - that they said wasn't there when the pictures were taken.  He was good looking - a little road hard but with the same piercing blue eyes as the head from the severed head dream.  He was in the background of all the pictures - just there - it was so fucking strange.  Like a ghost only he was alive - I guess.  What the fuck is that?  I also think that we were on a spaceship.  Hahaaa - that made me laugh - it was something like a spaceship or - a sterile type environment.  Seriously what am I talking about?  I could NOT get out of bed today - I went to bed early but it was so fucking hot that I kept waking up and finally at 6:30 I turned the radiator down and fell back to sleep.  By that time I should have just woken up.  My alarm clock doesn't work anymore (neither does my biological clock) and so that didn't wake me up but it didn't matter because I just kept waking up and not being able to get up.  I cleaned last night a bit when I got home - cleaned the humidifier, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen floor and changed the brita filter.  I put up a coat rack up in the little "foyer" and took out the garbage.  I also got groceries and other things I need but why would that make me so tired?  I watched a bunch of Wilfred episodes which is a stupid show but it's better than nothing.  Maybe that's why I am so tired - that mediocre show.  I love the dog - he's great but I have such a hard time believing that Elijah Wood is a loser.  He looks so healthy and he just - I don't know - I don't buy it.  I don't totally buy him as a dude that's crazy enough to really think a dog is a person.  But I do like the dog.  Anyway - I think I decided I want to be single and I don't want kids.  That's it.  I just want to be free.  I just don't care - I have enough to take care of in my life - like the humidifier.  That needs a lot of upkeep.  It's just too much for me.  I can't have a humidifier AND a husband AND a baby AND get enough toilet paper and paper towels for the house.  Yeah.  There.  Fuck it.  I want to be single and free.  Sounds pretty good right now.  I feel good today despite not showering and being an hour late for work.  This high should end any moment now but fuck it - for right now - fuck it.  I'm free and I feel okay.  Bye Blueberry - I love you.  You're my baby!!  Byeeeeee.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Over-stimulated and confused while also lying to myself about that guy at work.

Maybe I should have capitalized those words to make it a real title.  Huh?  I was supposed to talk to my alanon sponsor this morning - totally forgot BUT I woke up anyway - I just didn't know why and went back to sleep which wasn't even easy because my upstairs neighbor was using at least 2 vibrators at the same time.  I do NOT understand what happens up there and it seems like the only person who lives up there is a 70 year old man.  Who uses 2 vibrators?  I don't even like 1.  I remembered after my house guest was here last weekend that she had gone under my sink and gotten a pad - she must have had here period - I don't know - she left the strip in the garbage....well this morning I remembered that there is a vibrator under my sink in the same container as the pads.  It's just upright - right there under the sink.  Why do I even have it still?  I didn't like it at all.  Why am I writing this?  I am so over-stimulated and - bored.  I'm bored.  I keep trying to figure out - thinking about - that guy at work.  But here's the good part - I know I'm being crazy and I told someone about it.  It's so strange - I don't even like him.  I mean - I like him - he's a nice guy but - I don't LIKE him.  My stomach hurt when I wrote that.  I just want something - that's so terrible and not romantic.  It's so gross.  Okay - but at least I'm figuring it out.  Who wants to be rigorously honest?  It's fucking impossible.  Class starts again next week and I need to work on this monologue.  I don't want to.  Once again it's so slow here.  I forget I'm even at work.  I was on time today so that's good.  I'm clean.  Okay - bye.

Monday, November 26, 2012


I thought I did but I didn't.  Isn't that just like life??  My life?  I freak out - see things incorrectly and then turns out - everything is fine.  Wouldn't it be fine if I did overcook the fried eggs?  The answer is yes - yes it would be fine.  Over cooked eggs are just as good.  It's better than undercooked eggs - fucking gross.  Right now I am creeped out because the porter is sweeping the stairs for the second time this morning.  Maybe he is mopping.  He seems to spend a lot of time in front of my door.  I can feel him and it's creeping me out.  PERHAPS however I am mistaken.  Maybe he isn't spending a lot of time in front of my door or if he is it's because it's very dirty there.  OH FEELINGS - YOU ARE SO STRONG AND CONFUSING!!  Sooooooo.  Sooooo it came to me via an excellent source that I do not actually have to have sex with that guy at work - we can just make-out.  Brilliant.  I'm going to start with continuing to rub my boobs on him.  I stuck them in his arm pit the other night.  That was weird but fun.  WOW - I am fucking lame.  Jesus.  The tales of a horny repressed, boring overly sensitive drunk.  It's all about cooking and awkward advances.  Anyway - I woke up early and prayed and meditated, wrote in my journal, made myself eggs and now NOW I AM WRITING A REALLY BORING BLOG POST.  HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA - whoa.  I think I'm pushing.  I might be pushing but I'm sober bitch.  So - good.  Good stuff Bluebers.  I love you!!

Sunday, November 25, 2012

AIDS test.

I want to have sex with this guy at work and I asked him if he would get an AIDS test first.  He said sure and I will let you read it while we are doing it.  Haha - oh LORD.  I don't know if - okay - really?  Why am I being so tender about this?  Now I'm telling myself my apartment isn't ready to be seen.  He lives with a Spanish family in their apartment.  What am I talking about?  I need new stools in order to have sex?  Jesus.  Let's see if he gets the test.  I can just use protection.  This is the LAMEST attempt at sex that ever existed.  Seriously he is going to be asleep by the time I stop being neurotic about this.  I just need to do it and then I will be okay.  Really?  If I waited 3 years to eat a sandwich I wouldn't be freaked out about it.  I WOULD EAT THAT SANDWICH!!!!  FUCK.  Exactly I need to fuck.  Bye Bluebie!!!!!

Saturday, November 24, 2012

I just went for a walk and it changed my life.

I went into the park and it's quite blustery today - when I was walking the dog she almost got covered with leaves.  Ha and she didn't even care she wanted to be outside so badly.  So when I walked myself in the park it was fairly empty but because it's chilly and kind of overcast.  The leaves are almost off the trees so it's less scary - you can see everything.  Anyway I jogged a little and walked a lot and the wind was blowing and it was crisp and glorious and my mind CLEARED.  The water, the geese the AIR - I just felt my brain unclog.  I wrote on here today - wrote in my journal, prayed and meditated and the thing that finally cleared me was nature and exercise.  Maybe it was all of it.  Anyway - I feel like a different person.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Pen of God. Ugh.

I want to be the pen of God.  Just feel God come right out of my heart, through my arm and out the pen.  I was going to say head.  That's my big problem - my head.  My heart feels like a frozen rock in my center.  I am a little frazzled to say the least.  I'm freaking out worried about my future and I feel - worried.  I was all gung ho to apply to schools but something felt so wrong - so panicky - so the way I feel when I HAVE to have some item of clothing like it's going to complete me.  I made myself this big meal yesterday when I got back here - I caramelized red onions, made refried beans and a sharp cheddar omelet.  I ate it all and then fell asleep for almost 3 hours.  Say what?  I had this crazy dream about putting a severed head out in my old back yard - not like old where I grew up but old - like it was old - really ancient.  I had forgotten it was there this back yard.  I put the severed head in what looked like an outdoor fire pit that wasn't in use and next to it was a heart.  As I walked away this head was looking at me - seemingly trying to tell me something.  I thought it strange that there was a heart also because I didn't remember putting it there.  I climbed up these reaaaaaly old stone steps with leaves all over them and twigs - steps that seemed unused you know?  Then I went into my apartment and felt like I was trying to act like it wasn't completely wrong that I just left a severed head out back.  My apartment had sliding glass doors and I could see my neighbor smoking.  I believe that part of the dream was just someone smoking.  So after freaking out when
I woke up and doing a little research I realized I'm thinking with my head and not my heart.  My heart is so frozen.  Ha - I'm not really laughing but I wrote that and that Madonna song came into my head.  When I prayed this morning one of my daily reader books said one has no right to get in the way of the growth of another OR ourselves.  Well - there you go.  I just - okay - wow.  The comedy club was so sad last night.  I can work on my resume.  I can do that and get myself another job.  Right?  I just want to write.  A lot.  Be the pen of God.  The actress of God.  Ew - that sounds so gay.  Gross.  I need to go for a walk.  Okay - bye.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving 2012.

This is my fourth Thanksgiving sober.  I went to bed early last night and went for a walk along the river with my friend.  I helped do dishes for my mother and I took a nap with my dog.  I also took pictures of my cousin, her husband, her baby and my dog for their Christmas card.  They use my dog every year for their photo.  So.  So I'm a little sad.  Why don't I want to go to school for acting?  Why can't I just act?  Why can't I do comedy?  I just can't get out there every night.  It's so wonderful being here on the farm and hearing my parents tell stories and the baby is so cute but I feel displaced.  NO family of my own.  Isn't that terrible?  I'm so lucky to have this family - MY family and we are going to my brother's today and - I'm just sad.  Maybe the coffee isn't strong enough here.  I came back from my walk and had a cup of coffee and fell asleep for half an hour.  I just want something to wake up for - to work towards - to put my passion in.  I also really want to take care of myself and time is running out fast.  I need to prepare for my future and I don't think the 140 dollars I have in my savings account is enough.  WHICH IS A MIRACLE by the way.  Why do I write all this down?  I write in my journal - write on here - I have notes all over the place but I don't have something I can SELL.  I don't have - my creative people.  I have my program people - thank God - thank you thank you for that.  I need my creative people.  I thought it was comedy - it was - there was a while there - they were - they were my creative people.  I need to get inspired - I need an idea.  Or I need a to DO one of my ideas.  What do you think of the Gay & Breakfast?  A show - ugh- see - I just got tired.  I'm showered - I have on make-up - another miracle.  The first year I came here for Thanksgiving in sobriety - I smelled so weird on the train.  I got up to get off the train in the city and I smelled so weird - I was detoxing.  Now - now I am not.  I can put myself to sleep early and wake up and help.  Now please Dear Lord - give me back my art.  I need to access the vein again.  I have one month if I want to apply to schools.  One month.  Oh my.  Okay - I need to eat a turkey leg.  I love you Bluebers.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Guilt and other lies.

So I tried to help this woman recently in the program and it all culminated with me having to stay away from her because she wanted me to be a doormat for her.  The problem began because I said I would help her watch her cats and then next thing you know she wants me to vacuum her apartment while she's a t rehab.  Okay - listen - I was a drunk and I asked people to do the craziest shit for me and acted like a turd.  But the only reason she even felt like she could ask me that was I told her I felt badly for dumping her as a sponsee years ago.  So I was going to watch her cats from a place of guilt and that has never worked for me and this time is REALLY didn't work.  Here's the thing also - I wanted so much to be sober because I wanted to be a bigger part of my family - pay for more things, buy my nieces and nephews presents - pay for my own tickets home - all of that.  And I do.  Great.  But now - now I have to not be a doormat.  Which I'm not - no one has even asked me for anything.  I just thought of it and I'm writing it because I am at this job and bored out of my mind.  I feel like an animal at the zoo.  I am sitting here looking online, writing in my journal - looking at pictures of Norman Reedus - planning my month and people walk by slowly - stick their faces in the window - I pretend not to's so awkward.  At least I am being so authentically nice when people come in - except to that woman.  She just asked where the nearest Starbuck's is - I told her and she repeated it back to me with an attitude and left without saying thank you.  I was like "You're welcome!!!"  Well - that was authentic too.  Guilt is such a lie.  What a terrible reason to do something.  Never again.  I can feel a small shift happening in me - a small place of power aligning back up.  I want to go back to school.  I really do.  At this moment I really do.  Okay - well - bye.


I just started to write a big long explanation for why I should and now and completely focusing on having compassion for myself but I erased that sentence and just wrote this.  I have thought to myself at least 35 times in the last 12 hours that "it's okay - of course I felt that way - did that - am this - it's okay - I can have compassion for myself."  It's so much healthier - so much more loving than beating up on myself or even having shame (same thing?) for any of my past thoughts and behaviors.  It's so much cleaner and it's so completely different than feeling sorry for myself.  TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  Jesus.  I got up today - I prayed & I meditated on the couch - which was HEAVEN and then I got ready for work, fed the dog, walked the dog and got to work almost on time.  I cleaned last night before I went to bed and I did all my laundry yesterday and I also bought myself some pretty new underwear.  Not TOO pretty so it's functional.  There's a gift of sobriety - I can buy myself underwear but it actually stays in place.  What?  Holy shit.  I am so grateful for this job that wakes me up and gets me clean & to a place with a nice computer to use.  I am just so aware today of what a gift this sobriety is.  I finally feel like I am starting to get sober.  For so long after I stopped using things I was still so NOT sober.  Okay - WOW - I say that so much lately - sober.  I really want a new job also.  Since I worked Sunday night this week I just had a completely different experience at the job (the comedy club) and I felt like a plant that has completely grown out of it's pot.  I feel like I am busting out of the pot and I am still trying to act like it's fine - the pot still fits.  I have so grown out of the place.  I so appreciate it but I just really saw on Sunday night how I WANT to move on now.  So I am going to do that.  I am going to work on that today.  Scary - so scary.  I need to put on make-up.  There's is something softer and kinder happening to me and it wasn't going to happen with my old sponsor.  And that's okay.  I mean - it's annoying and why didn't I do this sooner but that's not the point.  See?  I'm so much softer.  Ha - I just giggled.  Okay - bye Bluebie - love you.

Monday, November 19, 2012

The path.

I'm crying right now - I'm so tired - I just finished watching the latest episode of The Walking Dead and I had a crazy emotional weekend.  I had a visitor who didn't know I was sober.  The last time she came to stay with me here in the city I was drinking.  I was drinking and doing tons of comedy and I was way more fabulous.  I guess.  I mean - on the outside maybe.  Here's the thing - here's the real thing.  I'm on this path - I'm on this path that I always wanted to be on.  One where I would be able to actually hear myself - and be healthy.  I thought this morning how I want to be "healthy enough" so I can realize my dreams.  But you know what?  I want to be HEALTHY and I want to realize my dreams.  I am a person who is passionate about WALKING and PRAYING & MEDITATING (who yells that??).  I like to think and write boring shit about my feelings.  I'm not fun.  AND I LIKE THAT.  I am fun - I'm awesome to have fun with - like go see a show or go shopping - but I am not - I don't party like that anymore.  I'm so fucking emotional right now.  It's fine - I'm okay but that visit really scared me and also showed me how lucky I am to be sober. I have so much work to do on myself still.  The first being able to take care of myself by setting my boundaries and learning to say no.  I got home tonight and I was like - okay - I am going to watch that episode and write on my blog.  So there you go I did.  I felt like I had so much more to say - so many more
profound things but who knows.  Here's the - whoa - distracted by a dog collar........not everyone wants to be on this path or is even interested in it.  It shocks me but also it's not fair for me to expect that.  For me though - this is the thing - this path is for me and I want to stay on it.  Kindness towards myself and others.  I can have compassion for me and compassion for others.  I am going to start with me tonight.  Me.  Yes - me.  I got McDonald's and I ate so much that I feel like one of those Zombies from The Walking Dead.  Okaaay.  I'm a sober Zombie.  Gross.  Haha - sober.  Holy FUCK - no wonder people say it's brave to be sober!!  Navigating ANY kind of relationship sober is SO fucking hard.  Okay - I'm going to put on a mud mask and go to bed.  I'm so grateful - I'm sosososososoooo grateful for the sober women in my life and for the chance of growth I have been given this weekend.  Now I just need a career, boyfriend, a baby and - what?  A pool membership?  If I get to keep praying & meditating in the morning - and going to meeting and learning to take care of myself and help others - I will have a surprise life and that is SO MUCH better than getting whatever it is I think I want.  Although I do want a boyfriend.  What?  I don't know - I'm fucking exhausted.  Bye Bluebers - I love you.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

WOW - just WOW.

I saw Grace on Broadway last night and it blew me away.  My date?  Not so much - she slept - hard through the first hour.  Hilarious.  I had google the show after my friend told me about it (she had a life changing experience via it) and there is a Wikipedia page about a play called Grace - but not the one I saw!!!  I kept waiting for the actors to change into other people and for the plot to change into the one I though it was going to be.  Someone also puked all over people down near the front and that was very chaotic but overall it was mind blowing and Michael Shannon is such a gifted actor.  They all are but WOW - he blew me away.  WOWOWOWOWOW - so beautiful.  To be able to express yourself like that - so authentically.  Cleanly.  Cleanly isn't the right word but it really was.  Gorgeous.  In a beautiful 100 year old theater.  That is when I love it here so much.  The magic of a  beautiful show in a beautiful place.  I got home and they had fixed the water damage, put in a fire alarm and put up whatever that stuff is called along the floor?  What is it called?  Well it covered up one mouse hole and has taken away the cat pee smell of the previous tenant.  Ah - I found it - baseboard molding.  Seriously - how fucking amazing is that?  I have to say the dog seemed a liiiitle freaked out but she was okay.  They had assured me they would be careful of her.  There is a gash in the floor that wasn't there but honestly - who cares?  So this time - this apartment - there was water damage and I asked them to fix it and they did.  I never wanted Creepy to fix the water damage in my room because I couldn't handle him working in there for however many days it would take.  So bizarre.  One day and done.  It's not perfect and I am going to have to clean my ass off tomorrow - for sure.  I just got so sleepy.  What was I doing this time last year?  Well I wrote on here - I was in an okay place - I sounded a little manic but that's okay.  To be fair Creepy would have fixed my room but sometimes when he would fix things it would take him weeks because he would get high in the middle of it - fuck it all up and lose focus.  Anyway my rent never went up either.  Oh dear - I'm so grateful I don't live there anymore.  More growth forward.  House guest tomorrow!  Another chance to get it all clean and ready!  I wish I had stools and a couch without mice in it.  Ha - gross.  Or cute!?  Maybe it's cute to have a mouse nest in my couch.  I'm pretty sure the only people that think like that are those ladies in that movie Grey Gardens.  GROOOOOWTHHH.  My morning readings said to move towards what is light and easy.  To go towards the light.  Um - that sounds scary with this creepy song playing on the radio.  Love to you Bluebie.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Sooo - my riveting life continues.....

the porter - oh my - what should I call him - the Super's odd helper - they call hima porter - I will call him Vladimir - Vladimir came and fixed the leaking radiator.  He came reaaally early in the morning on Friday and I was still sleeping.  I answer the clothes and Vladimir - who is missing his four front teeth and reeks of cigarette smoke AND is hairy from head to toe, little and skinny while also being very nice except he always stares at my crotch - I'm not even kidding - he walks right into my apartment and says "Oh I'm here to fix the radiator!!  Don't worry - get back in the bed - go get back in the bed!!"  I was like - "Ohhh - ohh it's okay."  He FINALLY 3 hours later fixed it and had to come in and out of my apartment 5 times and everytime he came back he was like "Honey I'm home!!!"  Jesus.  Now I need the ceiling fixed and I think I just want him/them - whatever/whoever - to do it when I'm not there.  Last night I was coming home and I had on my glasses which meant I couldn't really see anything and all of a sudden someone was reaching for me and it was Vladimir.  He was laughing and joking and put up his hand for a high five and I have to say (oh he also looked at my crotch - twice) it is so wonderful that he is helpful but also - I don't know - I'm sort of creeped out.  He is nice but - um - what the fuck?  I also don't understand why he is always doing stuff for the building - it's confusing.  Maybe if he had teeth and didn't stare at my crotch all the time.  I feel like BOOBS would be better.  Isn't that terrible?  Can't a guy not have teeth and be a crotch starer without being creepy?  Is that even possible?  Well the exterminator came also and he was GREAT and guess what??  I CAUGHT A MOUSE IN MY OWN TRAP!!!  I'm a mouse killer.  I decided I'm going to pretend they are Zombie mice and then I feel less terrible about killing them.  The exterminator came in and I told him that the mice weren't getting caught in my traps and he said "Doesn't look like it to me!"  And there it was - a dead mouse in a trap!  Amazing.  I have to go and look on Facebook more.  Bye Bluebers.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

My fucking super is an asshole.

He just called me and told me there is a leak in the apartment below me and to get home as soon as possible and I already told him that the leak is fromt he heat being up too high and that - FUCK.  Now I'm missing my job tonight and all because he couldn't fucking wake up this morning.  What if my apartment is flooded and why didn't I CALL AGAIN?  Why did I leave knowing the radiator was leaking?  Why didn't I call last night????  I unplugged my computer to turn it off too and so the cord is on the floor.  Ugh - seriously - I feel like I am going to puke.  I'm so upset.

Maybe this is where actual human strength comes in.....

when there isn't total drama and it's a slow move towards health.  I went on that date and it was okay - I spent about 35 minutes with him and I could not take a minute longer.  I went home and made myself blueberry pancakes and fresh guacamole with refried beans, cheddar cheese and blue corn chips.  Then I got all ready for bed, did some yoga and went to bed early because the radiator was making the craziest sound all night.  I also need the earplugs for the mice anyway.  I'm going to have to throw out the couch - the mice are living in it.  My first couch in ten years and I have to throw it out.  I woke up and there was part of the ceiling caving in because the radiator above me must be leaking.  I called the super and he said he would come and never did because he "fell back to sleep."  Ha.  Okay but I got all ready for work, prayed & meditated and walked the dog - did all of it, packed my clothes for my next job tonight and so that is that.  I am hoping that it doesn't cave in more actually now that I think of it.  I got here to work and I called my father to check on him - my mother made me promise to call him while she is in Spain this week.  For the beginning of their marriage he was away on submarines for months at a time and now she travels all over the world without him.  Hilarious.  But hilarious I mean - I don't know.  It makes me sad only my nose is tickling so it's not real sad right?  That date made me so sad last night.  It was practice - it was practice and then I got to go home and take care of myself and today I am as rested as I can be and at a job where I can write a letter, call my father, talk on the phone and write on this blog.  I meditated on the way to work also.  I'm trying so hard.  I'm trying to feel my feelings and listen to the Universe.  So slow - this is all so slow.  I'm not exactly having a blast either - hahahaha.  Why did I write that - I only meant one haha.  Being awake is hard.  Bye Blueberry - thank you for you.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Who the fuck is reading this?

It says there are 20 page views!!  Is someone other than my one friend reading this??  It's a miracle!!  It's a Christmas miracle!!  It is so slow here that I forget that I am here at his store.  A woman just walked in and I was singing to myself.  Seriously awkward.  Well it's snowing and dark out - winter is here.  I went to a meeting last night and farted the whole time and tried to act like it wasn't me while squished in between 2 people.  Um - the only thing that happened was I made it SO obvious that it was me.  It was the most uncomfortable saying goodbye to people ever.  Why couldn't I just be like "BYE - SORRY I WAS FARTING THE WHOLE TIME - I HAD A CAPPUCCINO!!"  Gross.  I would be SO offended if someone was farting next to me for an hour and a half.  I said to the girl sitting next to me when I sat down that the girl I was talking to right before that smelled like sex - and she did but really?  I talk about someone else smelling and then I fart the whole time???  I hate being a nervous farter.  I HATE IT.  I do however feel better having written this.  So take that dear blog and go on with it.  BYE.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Haha - OMG.  Okay - I'm so scared he is going to be a psycho or have a flat ass.  What?  That's what I'm worried about?  He asked if I wanted to get coffee so why not right?  I'm so sleepy right now.  He seems nice - he looks cute and owns his own shop - or so he made it seem - yeah.  Okay - so practice right?  No big deal and I can write all about it and how boring, crazy or fun it was.  I really want a peppermint mocha latte.  Doesn't that sound SO fucking good?  Holy fat ass fuckness.  Bye.

Okay list 3.

I want to fall in love with life again.
I want to be my own great parent.
I want to keep drinking water because it feels as though a fundamental shift has occurred because of it.
I just met an older woman named Douglas.  I like that.
I'm still not so sure this was the list I wanted to write.

List Dos.

I need AAA batteries
I need to go to the bank
I need to get matches for the store candles
I'm needy - sort of.
This isn't what I wanted to write but I can't remember what I wanted to write so I am writing this.
Hmmm - hmmmm......yeah it's not coming to me.  Maybe later.
I wrote a song on the subway yesterday - on my hand.  That was fun.
It's called Peanut Butter and A Broom.


Here's a list of lately:
I broke up with my sponsor but got an in-between-one first, who is wonderful
I have still been traveling all over the city to do my routine and it has been LONG ass trips
I have taken the bus more in the last 2 weeks than I have in 14 years and as with all things I'm not used to doing - I can't believe HOW MANY people are doing it!  Mad bus riders yo
I am at work, I am clean, I am doing my best
There are so many mice in my apartment having SUCH a good time at night that I had to put earplugs in to sleep
I can't believe I did something good for myself by moving on to a new sponsor
It all started with buying myself that new silverware.
It's so cold but I like it.
I actually only did half of my laundry yesterday because that was all I could carry!!
I brush my teeth before bed and I started drinking more water and suddenly things seem brighter.
A lady fell asleep on me at least 7 times today on the subway - like full on arm snuggle for real - and it WAS SO SWEET.
I learned so much from my sponsor - I'm so grateful - it's just time to move on.
I bought a lipstick for 4 dollars and it's SO CUTE.
My dog is still blind and for some reason old ladies love to stop and ask me what happened to her and it is so awkward to say - "Oh - she's just really oooold."  You know - like you!  Awkward.
Did I mention I'm at work?