Monday, September 30, 2019

Okay.

Well I am here and I made it through September.  It's a been a crazy month.  Started a new job...shows, auditions, tons of shit and it was a great month.  I also went to court 3 times for that unfortunately crazy woman.  Turns out I was in the wrong court because we are not family and that's okay.  My friend is a lawyer and she told me what I can do instead.  Also the judge said to stay away from each other and I told the judge (and she was right there as well) that I will call 911 again.  So - that's - that.  I mean not really but that's what happened.  Boy did I follow through!  I went and got the police report...went to court TWICE and got her served by the police in her town....and then went to court and tried to get a restraining order.  I literally had no idea I could do any of that and I did it all almost by myself.  My friend came with me to court when crazy pants was going to be there and thank god because I almost shit myself when she actually showed up.  So anyway I am fucking completely convinced she is reading this.  Is that possible?  Um - I have no idea.  I'm answering myself.  Let me tell you what....if you have someone follow you in a certain type of car and then you start looking out for that person you are going to realize there is 100000000000 of these fucking cars.  Um a bagillion.  I'm fidning this so difficult because I feel like she is reading this.  Oh no!  I'm officially losing my mind!!!  I have a ton of shit to do anyway so I will write more in a few days.  I miss writing on here more!  I was so excited to day to get to write.  Love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

That's a saying in the program but as I write this I am guessing it is also a saying in regular life as well?  I mean it's true...if I keep doing the same shit - the same shit is going to keep happening.  The difficult part for me is recognizing that it is so so so sooooo uncomfortable to sit through the discomfort of doing something differently.  God.  SO uncomfortable.  Anyway - well this is a great problem to have.  Being uncomfortable from good things.  I have a show this afternoon and I swear to God I don't know how I am going to do it!  I am so tired.  Fuck.  Drive into the city and work hard because it's a small bar show and it's tough workout.  But I am lucky I get to do it and a tough workout is a good workout.  I can do it - I just have to do exactly what I am doing and write.  Write, write write.  Sigh.  I just sighed.  It's an absolutely gorgeous and stunning day.  I can do this.  I can do this!  I really can.  Little bit at a time.  Breathe.  Do my best.  Stay present.  Breathe.  Trust.  Ah!  Tough one but I can do that too.  Little bit each day.  Just like sobriety.  Slowly move forward.  Okay - love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 19, 2019

This week!

Good Lord.  Okay well I did it.  I did this week.  I did shows, auditions, worked, and did other things.  What?  I just honestly don't feel like getting into it but I will at another time.  I get to celebrate my anniversary tomorrow night and I am excited about that.  I get to take care of myself tomorrow.  I don't feel super secure in the new job yet but I am working hard and trying to not do what I did at the boutique which is work SO HARD and do jobs no one asked me to do and then get angry because I'm not being compensated.  Whatever they ask me to do - I do - plus some extra stuff if I have time and then that's that.  I'm super grateful and if they would like something else they will need to say that.  No mind reading.  I just got back from a show right now & it was a LONG wait to go up and the show was way too long but I still had fun and I still got them somehow.  Luckily the guy who went up before me did well so that helped.  Anyway....I'm exhausted but this time last year I could have never done all this.  I was in treatment still and God - I was tired.  So tired!!   I could barely do anything.  So it feels really good to be busy and active.  I love the dog of the new family...I get to walk him all the time so that's great.  I love the cat also but I don't get to walk him.  I feed him.  And talk to him!  He's so old but he's still got it!  Wow thank God tonight was a good show - the last one I did I fucking ate a DICK.  It was awful.  But also - fuck it - that's comedy and that's how we get strong.  I didn't stick to the script that night and I bombed.  I didn't tonight either but I kept going back to the script so that was good.  Who the fuck knows!?  Tonight I had fun.  I did the other night too but not as much.  I was so tired.  Also it happens!  We eat a lot dicks.  Okay I have to go to sleep.  WOW.  WOW has so much changed!!  Love you Bluebie bye!!

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Mountain Highway

I was in a play last night and somehow got lost leaving and ended up in the mountains.  Yeah I don't know but one minute I left the theatre then suddenly I going over some little bridge that I have never seen before. I turned around and went back over the bridge and luckily there was a girl in the toll-booth and I told her I was lost and that I had no idea how I even got where I was.  she laughed and I realized I had on HUGE glittery false eyelashes and a ton of makeup from the play and my hair was ENORMOUS.  So anyway she told me to go straight and I did but then I ended up on a mountain and driving some crazy mountain path with a WHITE SUBARU like Barbara's right on my tail the whole time.  I was FREAKING THE FUCK OUT.  I also just kept DRIVING because I was like I can not pull over - I don't even know where I am and how the fuck could the police even find me??  So I got off the mountain finally and back towards where I was supposed to get back on the highway to get home where I got lost  - AGAIN.  WITH a gps for fuck's sake!  At that point the Subaru finally sped off.  I guess even BARBARA gets tired and needs to get some rest.  I doubt it was her although whoever it was felt very aggressive and they were following me so close I couldn't see their headlights.  So yeah there you go.  And to be honest - that's the story of my life.  If I am not paying attention I get lost.  WHEREEVER I GO.  Is that true?  I mean I am constantly getting lost in the city and I lived there for SEVENTEEN YEARS.  Do you think she is reading this blog?  Do you think she thinks I'm a good writer?  HAHAHAAA.  That really made me laugh.  HA.  Wow.  This is really explaining why I haven't slept in months.  I mean I think a huge part was the chemo and I am not a great sleeper anyway but something had felt off.  Do you think my animal instincts knew she's been following me?  I'm not sure how much I can trust my animal instincts given I get lost every 2 seconds but well - who the fuck knows.  I know now and get this part....so the police called to tell me that they called her and said to stop following me - right?  The first officer I spoke to said that she understands I don't want any contact and I said okay thank you so much.  Then another officer calls me that wasn't there for the incident but is the one who spoke to her.  He said "It was a very civil conversation and she certainly was surprised and absolutely understands you wishes."  I said "She was surprised about what exactly?" He said "Well I don't know your history but she was surprise the police were called."  And he seemed annoyed that I was shocked she would say that.  I was a t the kids house so I didn't say "I SAID I WAS CALLING THE POICE BECAUSE SHE SAID SHE WAS FOLLOWING ME AND NOT GOING TO HURT ME."  Plus my guy had a full order of protection from her so REALLY IS THAT A SURPRISE??  I was so mad - I was so so mad until....Until I realized she had somehow charmed this man into thinking that she was the victim.  Which means she is fucking dangerous.  She is boil the fucking bunny crazy.  She is out of her fucking mind.  She followed me for MILES almost to my job and even followed me off a side street and continued to talk to me after I said multiple times - LEAVE IMMEDIATELY.  Okay anyway I clearly don't feel safe yet and I am still angry.  I need to breathe.  I have to stay calm.  On a very real level I feel terrible for her.  It has been so long since they have been broken up and I don't even think she wants anything to do with me - I think she wants my guy.  It's so sad.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Thursday, September 12, 2019

A minute to write....

I have a few extra minutes today to write thank God.  Wait this was part of what I have scheduled actually.  Okay so anyway I have time to write.  I called the police from yesterday and are you ready for this?  They called her, left a message and she called back.  She said she understood that I don't want any contact and for some reason it seems so utterly bizarre to me.  In my head I just see her being like "Oh that's nice the police called, I'm just going to call them back on my way to yoga.  Oh she doesn't want to talk to me?  That's odd - I've been watching her videos.  Okay thank you for calling!"  Okay anyway I will move forward with getting the report and going to the court for a restraining order.  I had an audition today and it COMPLETELY felt like someone was following me there but not on my way back.  It's a building you can't get into anyway so she couldn't have followed me to the office.  Of course this is an opportunity...something inside of me is strengthening from this & perhaps healing.  That part of me that feels like I don't matter is like OH I MATTER - A LOT.  BYE FELCIA.  God I almost didn't go on the audition.  But I have worked so hard - so so hard and I love it more than anything.  I can't hide or - I don't know what - get pushed to the ground?  What in the fuck was I going to say?  No clue.  Such CHALLENGES right now!  It's okay - gotta go write for my show tonight - love you Bluebie bye.
  I REMEMBERED.  I know that all of this is doing something for her - I can feel it.  Now she has contact right?  But I can't have it.  I know there needs to be a paper trail also and so oh well - but I do know this - I don't want any contact.  No contact.  Zero contact.  Do you know how hard that is for a people pleasing alanonic person to say??  VERY.  Okay bye.

Barbara is back - if she ever left - a document.

Well once again I am writing to have evidence of Barbara Driscoll being a stalker.  She followed me on the highway almost to my job but I finally realized I was being followed and pulled off on a side street because I was like "There is no way I am bringing this person to my job where there are children!!"  Meanwhile the whole time she was following me I thought I was crazy.  Anyway I finally pull over and pull off the side of the road and she pulls up next to me and I roll the window down and just rolls up, rolls her window down and when I said to her in complete shock "Are you following me!?"  she says "Yes."  Cool as a fucking psychotic cucumber.  Then I said "You need to leave immediately I am calling 911."  She says "I'm not going to hurt you."  OH OKAY.  Then I said "You need to leave right away I am getting a restraining order against you and I am calling 911."  Then she says "I have watched all your videos because you keep sending them to me."  I HAVE NOT SENT HER ANYTHING (but thank you for watching our videos!).  I blocked her on facebook and I do not and have not had anything to do with her other than her coming to my house.  Okay so then I tell her to leave again and I say I haven't sent her anything and then I finally call 911 and when I am talking to them she finally drove away.  I happened to pull down a dead end so she eventually had to drive back out and I was able to get her license plate and then the cops came.  I got her number from my guy and they made a report.  As soon as I was done working I went right to the police department in my town and told them everything as well.  I just realized I had to call 911 on 9/11.  Anyway then when I left the police station there were 2 cops outside and I told them everything as well.  I will not have it.  I work with children and I WILL NOT HAVE IT BARBARA DRISCOLL.  GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.  I will continue to call the police every single time I see you and I will be going to the court with these reports and trust me when I tell you that you have fucked with the wrong person now.  I don't fuck around when it comes to children so step the fuck off.  STEP THE FUCK OFF. 

The worst part is that I thought someone has been following me quite a few times - in the city, on Fridays when I go to therapy....oh I guess that's a routine so she could expect a pattern?  I have even stopped and looked around...waited.....I thought I was losing my mind.  My grocery store parking lot - that one big time for some reason - the parking lot?  Even today I thought I was crazy on the highway but I slowed down to 40 and she wouldn't pass and I still wasn't sure till I got off my exit for work and it's an odd exit and an odd place for a car to have been going the same exact direction since basically my house.  Well thank God my instincts kicked into high gear before I could talk myself out of calling the police.  And thank God I didn't go to the kids house because I never would have called 911 because I wouldn't have wanted to scare them.  My sponsor said I can take care of myself now with this whole thing and I slept for a little bit but then I have been awake since 3:00 am.  It has been years - over 7 years since they have been separated and they have been divorced at least 4 years?  Something like that.  He had a full stay away restraining order against her and she rolled up next to me like we are casual friends.  I have to tell you the thing that disturbed me the most was her saying she has watched all my videos because I sent them to her.  That is some fucking Law & Order crazy shit right there.  I mean sent to her how?  And what?  I must have told to her to leave and leave immediately, get away from me at least 5-6 times.  And she didn't actually drive away until I called 911.  Well I promised myself after she came to my house that if she did it again that that's what I would say and I said it!  And I did it.  So well ugh now I have to deal with all of this but I will.  I have an audition this morning and I was really worried that maybe I shouldn't go but my guy was like you have to go.  Okay now I am getting tired again - maybe I can sleep a little before I have to get ready to go.  God it's been a rough week.....this new job is so challenging and 9/11 and then this.  Well it has all happened for a reason.  I don't know what it is but it has.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.

Wednesday, September 11, 2019

A List.....

As in ahhh list not A list like A list actors.  All day long as I go about my day I think of things to write on this blog.  Often I get tired and busy and then I never write about what I was thinking about.  I am a little backed up right now writer-wise...I have gotten so busy and I started a new job that is very distracting.  Life is good and I am seeing progress in my career as well which is such a blessing.  It's hard to write that but I am forcing myself to from a loving, strong, supportive place in myself.  I want to honor and respect the work I do and the artist that I am.  It's uncomfortable but it's okay.  Anyway I thought I would write a list of the titles I have thought of for different posts even though I don't have time to actually write the posts at this moment.  Okay here we go - in no particular order:

My Left Arm Dried Up Chicken Bone Wing (on the inside)

The Drilling Everywhere

Salads, Salads & More Salads

Being Hard On Myself (Ew & Oh!)

Taking A Time-Out To See What's Really Going On

New Job, New Attitude

Patience

Healing With Food

Don't Push Your Dairy On Me!

The Lies Other People Tell

What I am Responsible For

Alanon

Detaching With Love - the HARDEST Thing To Do

Stopping Unhealthy Behaviors Long Enough To Allow Things To Shift

LIVING WITHIN MY MEANS - A HORROR FILM!

Okay that's all I got right now.  I need to go to work and I am so missing writing more.  I am missing writing.  I have written myself a writing schedule now for 2 months and haven't been able to follow it but today I got to write this so it's a start.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  I can do this.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, September 2, 2019

Tired but sitting..

on the couch!  In our apartment!  My favorite place to be!  Tomorrow I have 10 years sober.  TEN yeaaaars sober.  Holy fuck!  What a 10 years it has been.  I am struggling these last couple of days - the depression is wanting to pull me down but I'm not letting it.  I met with my sponsor today for 2 hours and I have been working hard on myself.  I am starting my new job tomorrow - I sort of started it already but now they are in school and I will be going 5 days a week.  I have been so so busy with everything but I am also taking care of myself.  It's surreal.  It is really a testament to sobriety.  To the program.  To the programs.  I have a different life which is wonderful but now after cancer I am also changing or allowing my inner life to shift as well.  My perception is shifting.  My sense of myself and my self-worth.  Good God that's why they wish people a long slow recovery in this program!  It's all so different and they are such HUGE changes.  I mean I don't even know - it's mind-blowing.  Again - it's surreal.  The inside changes aren't even anything that anyone can see although I do look very different now - but that's from cancer.  I look older and I am a little more beat up but I look better.  The program (AA) has all these promises right?  We are promised to be happy, joyous and free.  We are promised serenity.  I am not going to say I am exactly there but I will tell you that I am not enraged inside myself while pretending I'm fine.  I am trying to match my insides and my outsides.  I also am becoming a much more authentic person and I have help.  I have people who help me make decisions.  I never made decisions.  I hurtled through life enraged and just so so unhappy.  Honestly I don't even want to think about any of that.  I want to live & enjoy this day and take care of myself.  I think I am going to treat myself right now to an extra meditation.  I have so much to do for this week but today is a day off and a day of healing.  I will say this - even though I could barely work those ten years ago - I wasn't really ever resting.  So now I rest.  Not as often as I would like but moving out here has helped and I'm practicing it more & more.  I get so much more done when I rest.  So it's a new life & a new time.  I am moving on.  I am also staying right here.  Right now today I am not picking up a drug or a drink.  I didn't even eat a dessert at lunch with my sponsor and she asked me if I wanted one!  Gonna meditate - love you Bluebie bye