Sunday, April 29, 2018
to write......it's been hard couple of weeks while I waited to decide about more surgery. I got a second opinion and she said that she doesn't think I need it - any kind of surgery - a mastectomy or even just getting a little bit more out. So I decided to just move on to radiation. My surgeon said to be confident in my decision and just move forward. It's so fucking scary because I still don't feel completely confident in any decision but I feel better about no surgery. It's some sort of life or death decision but I just couldn't have more surgery right now. I'm exhausted and so strung out from the chemo. I need to heal and take care of myself. I have so much anxiety - I hope it shifts soon. I have started to eat better and am also starting to exercise. The problem is my spirit. My spirits are down and I just have to keep my heart strong but it feels so impossible lately. As crazy as it sounds I just haven't been able to get any relief. Just deep, healing relief. Part of that is because I didn't meditate all week - I had so many doctor's appointments and I kept waking up late. It's failing to plan. Ugh then I say that, feel like I'm beating myself up and I just want to lay down. I am laying down! I'm in bed! I started to feel sick to my stomach last night while I was sleeping - it woke me up several times. I had treatment earlier this week - it's called Herceptin and Perjeta and it gives me diarrhea. Yay!!!!! Okay so what's positive? I'm sober and I have all sorts of tools and ways to take care of myself. I have a whole network of people I can reach out to. I can breathe. I can even meditate again today. Right now I am going to do some yoga and then go for a walk with the guy. I have a show tonight. So okay. My sponsor told me to have faith. She said it's faith over fear - or something like that. It's all so serious right now but we watched Tosh.0 last night and laughed. I think the sun is coming out and that is glorious. Have faith. It certainly couldn't hurt to try right? Have faith.
Friday, April 13, 2018
It's gorgeous out today - sunny and in the 70's. I went for a walk by myself! First time in months. I packed for my trip tomorrow and I am so excited. I am super tired but that's okay. The guy is picking me up to go get an early dinner. I finally spoke to the doctor and she was so so nice and she explained everything to me. My eyes are twitching like crazy - they have been twitching for 3 years now - how crazy is that? Ugh. Well I must still be compromised from the chemo but it's a tiny bit better. Hopefully the eye twitching will stop in the next few weeks. Or at least slow down. I was so depressed yesterday - felt I had nothing to live for - was so sad about the cancer and all of this. I sort of bombed at my show on Wednesday and felt like why am I doing this? Well it shifted today and even though I don't feel fantastic I don't feel as sad. You know right this second I asked myself if I am doing the best I can and the answer is yes. I can't do much but I am trying. It will be good to get away. Hopefully I can go on lots of walks and keep doing my little bit of yoga and just heal. Heaaaaaal. I just need so much healing. Gotta get ready for the guy - love you Bluebie bye.
Tuesday, April 10, 2018
I just remembered to breathe. Okay here's the deal. I am sober now and I work a program. It's hard to write that when I am not feeling well because it feels so lame - but guess what? It's saving me. I make healthier, kinder choices and I am more consistent and I don't know - I freak out less. I don't yell at people and act nice one minute and then like a psycho the next. Anyway. I called the doctor and left a message and at some point I will get to talk to her, ask my questions and let her know what I am doing. It's okay. It's exhausting but it's fine. It's a lot of stimulation form the adrenaline which in turn is exhausting but it's the only thing that feels right. To be honest it doesn't feel good but at least it is a decision I can make - second opinion - that's it. I felt better yesterday as the day went on and hopefully I will today also. I can always lay down before I get ready. I have the kids to go to today and a show tonight. It's amazing how challenging this year has been. Good Christ it has been challenging. Okay I am going to make some eggs. Love you Bluebie bye.
Monday, April 9, 2018
I could not make a decision about surgery so I decided I need a second opinion. I finally got to a doctor this morning who will take my health insurance and I have an appointment but not for TWO WEEKS. I feel so sick! I feel like my doctor is going to be angry and I don't know - I don't know why but I feel so sick to my stomach. I guess because I wanted some sort of resolution and that's not going to happen right now - or anytime soon. I started to do yoga again yesterday though and that's good. I did it again today. My energy is coming back a little bit - I seem to be healing from the chemo. I write that and then got so so tired. I truly feel like I am going to puke - this is so so stressful. Good God. It's just a rough time. It's also very slow and boring. So I am terrified, feel sick am bored and exhausted. That's fun. I am so many difficult things all at once. I also have changed my diet so I am in some sort of sugar withdrawal. I'm going to eat a salad right now - maybe I am hungry. Good fucking Lord. So anyway at least I have the kids to go to today. I also have a couple shows this week and I do have the energy to go. I need to write for them. I feel like my life and art are drifting away from me again. I'm just going to breathe. I feel so sick like my life is completely falling apart and I don't know why. I thought things were going to get better after chemo and I almost feel worse. I just can't feel sick for 2 weeks. I have to get a second opinion - I could not make a decision and I felt like I was in a box - it was awful. I need more information and I need another opinion. I have to get my fucking power back somehow. That's what's happening - my power feels taken away. I feel victimized and I am not. I AM NOT. I am tired but I am not a victim. I have enough energy to have this day and get to my meeting tonight. I can do this. I can do this. I can take care of myself. I can wait to make the decision until I know what the answer is.
Thursday, April 5, 2018
Well my MRI was okay but showed a little something and the doctor still wants to do more surgery THEN it would be radiation. Sigh. Side note I am watching some comedian on Netflix and he is "offbeat." I think I used to be "offbeat" when I did comedy but I don't think I am anymore. Uh oh I am about to get upset. Why because I'm not offbeat anymore? Oh good LORD. Anyway I am going to stop writing now and meditate. I started eating better and took amazing naps the last 2 days. My life is on hold, I give up , I am just going to rest, heal, and cook. I just get happy from cooking. The eating part is fun too. Anyway so that's it I give up. Just taking a time-out from the life part and I'm on some sort of permanent vacation. I will change my mind about this but for the moment that's what I'm going with. Meanwhile this "offbeat" guy is funny but I'm not laughing. Man I'm tired. Bye.
Monday, April 2, 2018
I still don't feel well - spent the day in bed again. I thought I would start healing by now from the last chemo but I'm still just having side-effects. There is some kind of rash on my legs that looks like it's ttrying to eat me alive. It's purple and scaly and SO ITCHY. I've scratched myself to bleeding so many days now. Good Christ I am a MESS. I'm so upset - why the fuck is this happening to me? I can NOT TAKE ANYMORE. I am just feeling sorry for myself. That's it. I have white hair, I'm bloated, my face in fat and pimply. I don't have any eyelashes and about 3 eyebrow hairs. I LOOK AWFUL but worse I feel awful. It's getting the better of me. The guy is overworked and his business is slow so he's freaking out about money. I couldn't even get a job right now if I wanted to - I could barely make myself eggs today. GOOD THING I HAVE PLENTY OF ENERGY TO COMPLAIN. I have enough energy for that. I just took a Claritin - let's see if that helps that itchiness. I took the one WITHOUT Dmx in it since that's what my guy's son takes and then thinks he's Jesus. I decided to avoid that additional drama in my life. "Guess what my legs don't itch but IM THE CHOSEN ONE." Even as I wrote that I was still tempted juuuuuust a little bit. It must feel good to think you're Jesus - I'm just saying. I used to trip on mushrooms and think everything in the world was just right. Although I also tripped on mushrooms and had literally the worst experience of my life up until this breast cancer. Maybe the same just over different amounts of time. Oh for fuck's sake whatever - I guess I'm just having a bad day - I'm going to call my sponsor. I hear birds. I hear birds and I'm alone at home. I feel better after I wrote this. Maybe I will meditate for a third time today. Why not. Bye.