Finally have a moment....

to write......it's been hard couple of weeks while I waited to decide about more surgery.  I got a second opinion and she said that she doesn't think I need it - any kind of surgery - a mastectomy or even just getting a little bit more out.  So I decided to just move on to radiation.  My surgeon said to be confident in my decision and just move forward.  It's so fucking scary because I still don't feel completely confident in any decision but I feel better about no  surgery.  It's some sort of life or death decision but I just couldn't have more surgery right now.  I'm exhausted and so strung out from the chemo.  I need to heal and take care of myself.  I have so much anxiety - I hope it shifts soon.  I have started to eat better and am also starting to exercise.  The problem is my spirit.  My spirits are down and I just have to keep my heart strong but it feels so impossible lately.  As crazy as it sounds I just haven't been able to get any relief.  Just deep, healing relief.  Part of that is because I didn't meditate all week - I had so many doctor's appointments and I kept waking up late.  It's failing to plan.  Ugh then I say that, feel like I'm beating myself up and I just want to lay down.  I am laying down!  I'm in bed!  I started to feel sick to my stomach last night while I was sleeping - it woke me up several times.  I had treatment earlier this week - it's called Herceptin and Perjeta and it gives me diarrhea.  Yay!!!!!  Okay so what's positive?  I'm sober and I have all sorts of tools and ways to take care of myself.  I have a whole network of people I can reach out to.  I can breathe.  I can even meditate again today.  Right now I am going to do some yoga and then go for a walk with the guy.  I have a show tonight.  So okay.  My sponsor told me to have faith.  She said it's faith over fear - or something like that.  It's all so serious right now but we watched Tosh.0 last night and laughed.  I think the sun is coming out and that is glorious.  Have faith.  It certainly couldn't hurt to try right?  Have faith.