Monday, April 2, 2018

This is getting the better of me right now....

I still don't feel well - spent the day in bed again.  I thought I would start healing by now from the last chemo but I'm still just having side-effects.  There is some kind of rash on my legs that looks like it's ttrying to eat me alive.  It's purple and scaly and SO ITCHY.  I've scratched myself to bleeding so many days now.  Good Christ I am a MESS.  I'm so upset - why the fuck is this happening to me?  I can NOT TAKE ANYMORE.  I am just feeling sorry for myself.  That's it.  I have white hair, I'm bloated, my face in fat and pimply.  I don't have any eyelashes and about 3 eyebrow hairs.  I LOOK AWFUL but worse I feel awful.  It's getting the better of me.  The guy is overworked and his business is slow so he's freaking out about money.  I couldn't even get a job right now if I wanted to - I could barely make myself eggs today.  GOOD THING I HAVE PLENTY OF ENERGY TO COMPLAIN.  I have enough energy for that.  I just took a Claritin - let's see if that helps that itchiness.  I took the one WITHOUT Dmx in it since that's what my guy's son takes and then thinks he's Jesus.  I decided to avoid that additional drama in my life.  "Guess what my legs don't itch but IM THE CHOSEN ONE."  Even as I wrote that I was still tempted juuuuuust a little bit.  It must feel good to think you're Jesus - I'm just saying.  I used to trip on mushrooms and think everything in the world was just right.  Although I also tripped on mushrooms and had literally the worst experience of my life up until this breast cancer.  Maybe the same just over different amounts of time.  Oh for fuck's sake whatever - I guess I'm just having a bad day - I'm going to call my sponsor.  I hear birds.  I hear birds and I'm alone at home.  I feel better after I wrote this.  Maybe I will meditate for a third time today.  Why not.  Bye.

No comments:

Post a Comment