Friday, August 29, 2014
I am so tired lately but - well - I think I'm healing or something. Anyway I have noticed how much my mind turns to being a victim - I know I've written about this before - but I really recognize it lately. I see my mind doing it on the subway (I'm a victim of someone chewing - which is annoying but okay I'm no their victim), at the store (someone asks me for a lot of things and leaves the store a mess - again annoying but that's my JOB), ohhhhh and someone not holding the door for me someplace (WHAT is THAT - am I the princess of the fucking world or something???). So anyway - holy shit I just prayed and meditated and I cried the whole time. I feel so - like I'm breaking open and healing at the same time - it is so fucking bizarre. Anyway I have to go to my meeting so I can continue to do my 5 things for this day. Love you Bluebie bye.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
or perhaps not so boring. Maybe just right now it's boring. Maybe right now it is BRILLIANTLY BORING and that is just fine. I was so depressed the last couple of days it was unreal. It occurred to me that I really am an alcoholic and suddenly that seems so overwhelming - or not - I don't know. I guess I'm just shocked. The good part is that if I ever decide to wonder if I'm not one I can just go back and read some of this blog from less then a year into my sobriety and see how truly batshit crazy I was - for proof. I think I feel like I might be coming out of it a little bit now. I don't have enough work or money but oh well. I am not waitressing and I guess as slowly as my sobriety from drugs and alcohol came to me - that's how slowly my sobriety from waitressing will be. I had no idea it would be so hard! What am I even talking about? I need more money and I have no idea what I'm doing. I got wicked blisters on my feet which of one is now infected (in the most interesting and revolting way) from the shoes I wore to that interview on Monday and I can't seem to take care of myself anymore. I didn't take a shower today and that's the second time this week I have done that (ha). I can't seem to get out of bed. My sheets turn into the most comfortable, soft, luxurious pieces of fabric - as soon as my alarm goes off. It's like a magic switch. Well anyway. I don't know. I keep going to meetings, calling people, taking phone calls - reaching out and calling my sponsor. So. Oh and the 5 things in general. OKAY GOTTA GO DO SOMETHING - love you Bluebie bye.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Like a boat. I look like a bloated boat. Or like a woman who is 4-6 months pregnant. I feel so gross. I got my period yesterday and I could barely move. I went on the interview today and it was okay but he told me to come back and explore the store and really see if I want to work there. Then I went to work and it was SO SLOW and boring I almost lost my mind. I mean I really felt fucking INSANE by the time I left. I feel so fearful. I need another job and for the life of me - how can I be so bored and when I think of waitressing I can't even move? I feel so - STUCK. NO - slow. I just feel slow. Oh WOW - the money was so confusing for the job. Okay - look - my anniversary is next week and then hopefully I will feel better. It's so crazy - I love him so much - I'm so in love with him and now I hate him because he took me on vacation and I have no money. WHAT? He paid for SO MUCH of it and would have paid for everything if I let him. Okay - I feel like a spoiled brat. I'm so lucky that I have sobriety. I'm so lucky that I have a job where I get to be bored. I'm so lucky to be FAT. What? Well I am. Love you Bluebie bye. ps I feel fucking CRAZY.
Friday, August 22, 2014
Okay I have a job interview Monday morning and I am FLIPPING out about it. My friend told me I need to look AMAZING and - what the fuck is THAT?? Amazing? I can look CREATIVE!? How about that? Jesus - okay - well anyway - I went to a meeting this morning and went shopping - which I can not afford to do but I needed to get something if I was going to look amazing. I bought a cute dress, a purse and some sensible (barf) heels. I'm really not sure about the shoes or even who I am. What the fuck am I doing? I just want a job and I want health insurance and I want to take care of myself. Am I aiming too high? Am I aiming in the right direction even? I have no idea - I really don't. Well anyway - I'm going to keep trying to get a real job and that's that. I love you and I'm going to speak at a meeting now I'm no just a completely vacuous shopper. WOW - I need to get my period I am out of my MIND. Bye.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
WELL - I am back from my vacation and it was UNREAL. We got along so well and had so much fun and such a nice time. I slept SO much and ate tons of yummy food. Sounds great right? We saw my sisters and went surfing (I almost died), snorkeled (with sea lions - for real!!), went to meetings and had lots of sex (WHO WOULDN'T???). We drove down the Pacific Coast Highway and went to my birthplace where I felt nothing (that was weird). Yesterday I was so sad to be back it was unreal but I went to my dance class last night and felt tons better. Today I feel better again. Anyway - well - now it's slow here at the store but I'm just enjoying it till the Fall stuff starts to come in. Actually I can look for another job. I have been trying to get more acting work but it's not happening. I guess it's just not meant to happen which makes me so sad but - well - I don't know. Everything happens for a reason right? Barf. Soooooo - okay I love you Bluebie and I missed you!! Bye.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
I heard at a meeting over the weekend that there's 5 things that every recovering alcoholic/addict should do everyday. I mean I guess I may have heard this over the last 5 years but I never "heard" it. So - here they are. 1. Ask for help. 2. Call your sponsor. 3. Talk to another alcoholic. 4. Go to a meeting. 5. Say thank you. Pretty simple right? How could I have never heard that? Did I already write abou this? Is anyone listening? I'm losing my mind about this trip and it is SO FUCKING boring at this store that all I have is time to worry about it. BARF. My shoulders are up around my ears - streeesss. I guess drining more coffee isn't the solution but I'm DOING IT ANYWAY> AHHHhhhhhhAAHHHahahahaha. Bye.
Monday, August 4, 2014
I woke up kind of depressed and then it really hasn't gotten much better but also it hasn't gotten worse. I don't know if it's the 5 years thing - supposedly reaching 5 years of sobriety is a tough one - or if it's - what? I have no idea. I miss my dog - I miss my acting class - oh my God - ugh. What else? I just feel lost - I don't know what I'm dong or where I'm going. Well I know I'm going on vacation on Saturday and for that I am so grateful and super excited. I just physically feel so fucking sad. Well I felt like this this morning and I went for a walk and got a piece of pizza and I felt SO much better. I think I'm going to go get a tea. And some chocolate. I have a wicked pimple on my forehead. Bye.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
I'm home - it's 11:28 p.m. on a Sunday and I just toasted some walnuts with honey and cinnamon for my yogurt and I also toasted some pepitas (pumpkin seeds) for I don't know what. I want to make some sort of snack for myself with them. I just washed my face and I have on pajamas. I had a really nice day - I woke up after a nice long sleep at the guy's house and I made us breakfast and I talked to my alanon sponsor. We hung out (you know - hung OUT - what?) and then I came back to the city, went to an alanon meeting and went to an aa meeting. I went to Whole Foods and bought apples and cashews and came home. Oh I got some yummy brown rice shrimp rolls from there too. I didn't get booked for any comedy this week and I was going to go on an audition but it was cancelled. Ugh - so. So I'm just here living in my life. Which is wonderful right? I just wish I was making more money and - well - I don't know - performing more - but I guess I'm not meant to be right now. SO that's okay. I'm just trying to take care of myself and be a loving, kind person. Which works as long as I don't sit next to someone eating on the subway. I can NOT help it - when someone is eating next to me - I will stare at them till they stop. WHICH NEVER HAPPENS. They never stop and most of the time they don't care that I'm staring. God help me if I could just stop doing that I would think I could do anything. Love you Bluebie - bye :)
Saturday, August 2, 2014
I am basically freaking out - holy fuck. I am suddenly thinking that it is so fucking crazy that I am going across country with this man. I don't know - or I am just scared to travel or scared to move forward or just scared. I am at the store - I was so fucking late today - there were no trains - I had to take the bus then get on the train and then I was so lost in my book that I went 5 stops past my stop. What even is that??? I had to take the bus downtown to the local train - which I think went express to the uptown local - to the crosstown bus. WHAAAATTTT??? Oh my God - and now I'm here and I was an hour late - which is probably a miracle considering how I had to get here. They asked me to waitress tonight someplace and I already have plans to go see my guy so I can't but I was so tempted to say yes - or to say I would do it in the future. I didn't though. I can't believe how hard it is to even get away from the mindset of it. Oh boy. Also - what am I doing with my life? I'm really suddenly very lost and confused. I mean that's what people think of me as - as a waitress. He's not asking me to do comedy - he's asking me to waitress. Ugh - and I could do it and I would be good at it. I don't know that about comedy. OR DO I??? Oh Dear LORD. Also I just feel - lonely? Okay - some lady just came in and was so annoying I wanted to kill her. I really need to do something but what? Gotta go love you Bluebie bye.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Went to another skin doctor today - turns out the drunk one was right. Well there you go on that one. Got a mani/pedi, went to a meeting - saw my sponsee, went and dropped off my resume at a couple of stores, looked at some other stores, bought a used t-shirt, went to therapy, bought some make-up from Rite-Aid - finally came home. One thing that is different now that I'm sober and being more conscientious is that I use all of stuff. I ate the whole entire jar of blueberry jam I bought. I usually eat some and eventually it goes bad. I used ALL of the face powder I bought this time. I actually usually use all of my make-up. But I'm so much better with food - eating it all and not wasting it. How have I not written her since Tuesday?? I trained another girl a the store on Wednesday and Thursday was busy. I also have started - well - 2 other blogs now but it will just be one. I'm so freaked out that we are going to California together for 9 days. Holy shit how scary is that??? Oh my GOD. Okay - well - fuuuuck. I'm also super fucking excited. Gotta fix my hair love you Bluebie bye.