Tuesday, June 22, 2010

I have a doctor's appointment

for tomorrow morning at 10:30 a.m. I never left the house today and that was awesome. Melissa came over and brought food and presents and it was so sweet I don't even know how to take it in. It was really what I needed. I am so tired. I really wanted to see her but I didn't want to go downtown or leave the huse. So I have this appointment tomorrow and he will have checked the bloodwork and I can show him my swollen feet and ankles and my fucked up fingernails. I will also tell him about starting to get sore at the gyma round this time last year and - well I can't remember what else. I got some Melatonin from the health food store and I think it helped me to sleep last night. My dreams weren't as bad and I fell asleep before 8:00 a.m. which is awesome. So - I'm nervous for tomorrow but I'm glad it's early and maybe I can make a couple of meetings. That was so nice of Melissa - she has been such agood friend to me. Well - so I guess they talked tot hat guy at work and he got all upset and I don't know. I just need to heal right now. And rest. So it's 11:30 p.m. which is so much earlier than I usually start to rest for the night. I am going to wrap this up and get in bed. And for the next couple of months I am going to focus on healing and rest and listening to my body. For the nex 2 months and the rest of this month I am letting myself do what my body wants. What feels good. I'm sick of thinking and it doesn't work for me. I am going to eat what feels good and move in a way that feels good. Just do what feels GOOD and rest. Jesus - I'm - I can't believe how hard this is. I am finally at that stage in my recovery where I am cleaning out me. I am detoxing out so much OLD stuff it's nuts. Major, major emotional and mental overhaul. Construction commence. I love you - I miss you - I will talk to you soon. Heart. :)

Friday, June 18, 2010

Well this blows

seriously. I think that I want to be all Pollyanna about this whole thing but it sucks. I'm fat, I feel groos, I'm angry, sad, victimy, weepy, confused, forgetful - more angry, filled with hate and I talk shit about people all the time. It's awful and I'm crying as I write this. Holy shit I almost have a nervous breakdown everyday and now it's 5:32 in the morning and I am still awake. WIDE awake. I am a fucking mess. This is hard and honestly is it supposed to be fun recovering from any kind of major disease? Christ - it's like learning to walk agian - what the fuck - it hurts and I am in pain. And I'm still really out of it sometimes from the pot I think. I just watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button for almost 5 hours. Why? Because it was on half slow motion - that's why - for the first 3 hours. I thought my computer wasn't reading the disc well. GREAT - duh. Anyway - I already worked so much this week and I haven't made any money. But I got to make some money? I have to say something - that's all there is to it - I just have to. And I have to look for another job. One where I'm PERFORMING for fuck's sake - I MISS IT SO MUCH!!!!! I miss writing - talking shit - working stuff out on stage - not giving a fuck what anyone thinks. Shit. I would be making the same money I am making now. Just more travel? I don't have to be a road comic. Ot travel so much. Okay - calm down. I want to punch someone in the face. Who? I don't know. And I have never done that in my life - I don't think I would like it and I'm sure it would hurt my hand. I need to sleep. 9 and a half months sober and I look 7 months pregnant. I feel - okay - I FEEL is really the point. SOOOOO MUUUUUUCHHHHH!!! It will change - it's going to adjust - it really will. I just have to make it to this year mark and I will feel better. I believe him - John - he told me that today and I believe him. Thank you for listening - I con't say I love you my intimacy issues are in full flare-up. I'm having and intimacy issue flare-up. So I like you or at least I am fond of you. Hi and Bye.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I have intimacy issues

and apparently all alcoholics do. Which makes sense and I feel like is something new I have elarned about myself that makes sense and isn't beating myself up. That sentence made no sense. Of course I have intimacy issues - I don't want anyone really close to me because I don't want anyone to really know me because I'm afraid they will use it against me - OR they will realize what a piece of shit I am. Ugh - so that's fun. I had a drunk dream - well drinking dream last night. It was awful. I dreamed I was at a party for like a weekend - beautiful house - beach I think? Lovely people - people from the program. But there was wine an I went and got a glass because I was "stressed out" and I took a sip and someone noticed. Or a little kid saw me and went and told on me - and I was thinking to myself - okay - just stop - go back and count days - it's okay - but then I just drank the whole glass and was trying to act like I didn't. And then some of the women left because they were upset that I did that. They wanted no part of it. So then I wasn't sure what to do - I was eating food to tr and hide it - thinking about calling my sponsor - should I get more wasted?? And I really thought it happened. When I woke up I had to think for a second that - whoa - I didn't do that - I did NOT drink. Fuck - so scary but what a relief that I didn't. Now about the open room, light on caper? I was awoken today by the people staying here - slamming their doors and yelling to each other from a foot away - and the guy downstairs said - "oh - you said my room was to the left - not the right??? And my room wasn't locked!!" Right but kind sir - my room was locked and you unlocked it - turned the light on and then left it unlocked. Then I heard the woman across the hall ask if someone was staying here in this room. So he doesn't even take good care - he doesn't. "THIS ROOM HAS A PERMANENT TENANT - PLEASE DON'T UNLOCK IT AND GO IN THERE." Would that be to hard to say? It is apparently. Well this weirdo living situation has been perfect for someone like me who didn't want anyone close and wanted to get wasted all the time. Oh - oh my. So - I have to get ready for work. Thanky ou for being here - I really needed to write. Thanks a million blog. p.s. One day I am writing about living in this hotel and working at that other crazy one on 57th street. Yes indeed. Get all of this off my mind and heart!! Oh mind and heart - please start working together.

It smells in here

like dog pee soooo badly. Why? I don't know - I don't get it. All I do get is that I came home to my room UNLOCKED AND THE LIGHT ON. Yes - and there are complete fucking strangers staying in 3 rooms of this house. And guess what - that's why I write all this shit down. Because it's complete fucking bullshit. Absolutely no fucking respect for my boundaries or my privacy or my safety. Fuck - it makes me so fucking angry I swear to God. He is going to be such a lonely old man. I came from work and was instantly upset and wondering what happened and if anything got stolen. I don't even know who is staying here or what they look like. And if it was my - fuuuuuuUUUUCCCCKKKKK - I don't even feel safe writing this. I feel like they will read it somehow. My journal is by my bed and out of everything - that looked and felt like it had been touched. The pen was in a different spot. Could I have not looked the door? I did - I know I did. Did I leave the light on? No - no I did not even turn it on. Look - now I am second guessing myself. I hate living here - I hate it. I hate that because I want privacy and I get nervous that I am made to feel like an uncool asshole. But when I was cool? I would leave for 5 minutes and find someone in my room on my computer - or I would get 90 dollars in change stolen from me or walked in on while I was naked and sleeping or walked inon while I was just sitting here - orororororor - 30 dollars stolen from me when I was gone to the store for 20 minutes. Fuck that. Fuck this place. I have to accept it though because it won't change until it changes. And I wanted to live here. It was perfect - so pretty - so big - so quiet. My friends - pot - drinking - my own bathroom. Seemed amazing - AHHHMAAAAAZZING. Why did he ask me when I was leaving today if I wanted this carpet out of here and act like such a prick about it? He is another example of just when I think he's cool he's a complete douche. It's all because I told him I didn't want him to use my computer and to go to the library. And because I would never fuck him or something? You know - sex? Ha. He's - let's see - I think 14 years younger than me and he's a mooch. He's eaten my food - drank my beers (he only feels privy to take food - he never took booze without asking) and smoked my cigarettes, my pot. It feels like I owe that fucking kid something and I do NOT. He lives here for FREE. FREEEEEEEE. I just - I hav ehad enough - and I know I did this to myself but I should not have to come home to my door unlocked with strangers living here. Okay - so my landlord is the gay 50 soething year old and the other guy is a straight 20 something year old and they are both ridiculous and think that I am a bitch or silly or nervous or WRONG somehow and it's bullshit. I have a right to feel safe. I have paid for this room and I deserve to feel like it's safe while I'm gone. They would suck the fucking living life out of me if I let them. You know blog - you are not hearing their side of the story - for sure. Regardless - I need to move and until then I need my door to stay locked when I lock it. Please please PLEASE lord let this apartment be so amazing or something? Let something amazing come up that I want to go to. Safe, clean, quiet, kind, pretty, loving with a kitchen I can use and where no one eats all my food.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I'm sinking again

totally falling down. I am so fucking depressed. I looked at that website and I shouldn't have. Now I as I type this I can feel the creep in the laundry room listening to me. I fucking hate living here. I was awoken at 9:20, 10:10, 1:30 and then finally at 2:45. AND THERE GOES ANOTHER SLAMMED DOOR! What the fuck? Why did I look at her stupid website? How sorry i am feeling for myself is monumentally huge if that's even a word. HOly fuck - I'm a mess and I fucking hate living here and I'm so fucking tired and I don't want to go to work AT ALL and now I feel fucking awful again. Crazy - I feel fucking totally horrible. Victoria told me to call 3 drunks and go to a meeting. I have to go.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Okay - I'm angry but I think I learned something

and here it is: If someone tells you they are weak they probably are not. I am still so annoyed about this person - hold on - HOLD ON!!!! This is my thing - this is my pattern. I helped them - I blah blah VLAAAAAHHHHHHHH. That's fucking right blah blah vlah. I'm going to start a new saying - BLAH BLAH VLAH. I always feel used and manipulated, underappreciated - ignored, left - used more - I spent more money - I let you walk on me - I helped you. Whatever - it's my pattern FOR SURE. Tonight at the meeting this woman qualified who I think is kind of a douche. She always puts gloves on before holding hands at the end and she always got this nasty look on her face. I was farting sitting next to her one night - SO much - it was horrifying. I had a malt and a cheeseburger and fries AND I was upset about a haircut and I could NOT stop farting and she was SO offended. I had barely had 90 days sober and I couldn't get up and leave and I didn't know what to do so I just sat there and at the end of the meeting (where she kept coughing everytime the smell wafted her way) she put on her gloves as we all held hands. So that's how I first noticed she put on gloves and I thought she did it because I was farting!! I was so hurt and offended back. Can you imagine? I was offended?? What is that? Well anyway I noticed after that that she always put on her gloves at the end before hand holding. AND one time she was eating what I can imagine are called "HOLY FUCK THESE ARE SO LOUDLY CRUNCHY IN A QUIET ROOM STICKS" and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Then she started sharing them with a woman right next to me and they giggled and chewed their sticks and I just thought to myself - this woman is an asshole. Well TONIGHT when she qualified she talked about being a people pleaser and I thought - you know what lady?? You are so far fromt he truth it's insane. You might think you are one - but what you really are is a hard, nasty - trying to be better but you really aren't that nice person. Seriously - I was like - there is NO WAY this woman is a people pleaser. Control freak - okay - yes - I will go with that. Sober - yes - yes I believe so. And whenever people say - "I grew up in a really loving and caring home" - I get nervous. Oh - well maybe it's possible. There are stories in the big book that are about people who grew up in loving, healthy homes and became alcoholic. But I didn't believe her and I don't believe she really knows herself. I believe she wants to and I believe she wants to be better. But I think I have thought that I was a people pleaser. I've never thought those words - maybe more of a people helper. And a person people "take advatage of." But I was being a control freak in SO many of the instances where I was getting "used." People just didn't end up playing the part I cast them in. And I was ALWAYS doing something for some other reason than what I said it was for. And never dealing with old messes or cleaning up after them. And if someone sat next to me and farted and farted - I might get really annoyed. But she has such a yuck about her this chick. She so clearly hates shit and will not admit it. What the fuck is that? You can see it on her face. Well - this is my point - maybe I'm an asshole and you know what - if I am - so be it. I'm not one - but I can be one and who knows - maybe I am one. I want to be easier feeling really. And I had another point - what was it? Oh - well even if I'm not an asshole I don't really think I'ma people pleaser. I just wanted people to like me and do what I wanted so I could get what I wanted. Um - well - that didn't work!! EVER. So - now what? I have no idea - I'm tired. Do I sound crazy people who never read this? Please help me to heal so at some point I can fucking perform again or WHATEVER - I want so I don't feel so trapped and stuck creatively. Thank you for my healing and thank you for my blog support blog. I know I'm crazy but what are you??

Okay

I feel better. I shouldn't go three days without a meeting. I also need to be careful about going home. And I need to realize I've been very, very sick and it won't be better overnight and most of the family doesn't even realize HOW sick I was. I would puke ALL the time. Wake up and projectile vomit in the sink - crawl back to bed and then wake up - smoke pot and drink the warm left over beer that had been opened and left on my table/floor all night long. Yup. I would also black out almost every night. Just drink until I was so wasted I was gone - GONE. Half the time I didn't remember getting home and the other half the time I peed my pants because it took me too long to get home. At least 5 or 6 times I was walking on my street here trying to get to the house - run walking holding my crotch so I wouldn't pee and it would hurt so bad that I just would pee. All down my legs - all over my pants - all over the ground. You know that at least one person saw me do that right?? Then I would go in the house - get high (even though I'm sure I had smoked weed wherever I just was) and I would change and go to the bodega and get MORE BEER. WHAT THE FUCK?? It's amazing I'm not more sick right now. And it makes total sense that my body would be all out of whack. It's like when women have eating disorders - once they go back to food or stop puking or whatever combo - they get all bloated and weird and there bodies are all confused. It feels good to write it down. I was a fall down drunk pothead. And now I'm not. And I'm very grateful for that. There were 2 women who were so nice to me today after the meeting. So nice and so normal. And they were being nice to me without telling me what to do - which is so generous and so kind. And my sponsor today!!! Amazing - it's actually making me cry because I was feeling so awful - so sucidal and so ready to just throw in the towel. She says not to stop before the miracle happens. So I feel better after talking to her, talking at the meeting, calling and talking to my therapist and talking to those women. I also made a couple of phone calls, cleaned and ate food. Did laundry and watched a movie. I had grape soda and I walked the dog. I need to go to sleep - I'm so tired. I love you and thank you for being here. Thank you for believing in me blog. My favorite quote of the day - You must be filled with wild chaos in order to give birth to a dancing star. :)

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I'm completely depressed

Fat, bloated, retaining water (so much so that my father asked my mother if my ankles were swollen) and I'm uncomfortable and sad. Single, I hate my job and I actually live in a crazy house. This doesn't seem better. It really doesn't. I need a shower an dit's 3:25 a.m. I woke up from a nightmare 4 hours ago. Vampires, the theater, and underwater swim chase with shadows - I got shot in the back of the head (I think - I definitley got shot at) and as I was laying there someone rubbed mud into my shot at head. Let's see - I also flew and was at an evil dinner party. Fighting, hiding - not a lot of rest. I hate my job and I don't have to go back till Thursday and it seems unbearable. I went to see my parents and the rest of the family yesterday and it was awful. Yes - I'm still living in New york - no I'm not on television - Ihave no idea why I'm here and I GET IT I'M A FAILURE. My Mother said - I don't think you really want to live in New York and be a waitress forever do you? YES!!!! YESS I WOULD LOVE THAT I'M HAVING SO MUCH FUN!! I'm in a fucking program because I'm an ALCOHOLIC and I'm not supposed to move and I don't know what I'm doing. Thanks for the support - it's so fun watching all you guys drink while you judge me. I feel awful. This sucks. I know - change my attitude right? I feel like - I don't know - I don't want to say it. But what's the point? I have always been depressed and life has always been something I can not figure out. I don't get it. And I'm tired. I'm so tired and I can't walk right. My niece said I need a wheelchair. And she asked if I was having a baby. Then she asked if I get upset when someone asks me that. 30 more years of this? Really? I am fucking losing my shit - I really am. I'm not okay. Well anyway - I hope you are well and it's been so fun chatting.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

It's early!!

For me - I'm usually still sleeping but honestly I love being awake in the morning. I really enjoy waking up about 8 a.m. and going to sleep about midnight. Give or take and hour in either direction. Well that never happens but today I'm awake because I'mgoing to see a show. It's a few short plays all written by the same woman. A girl from an acting class I took - oh actually I think 2 girls (women) are from the acting class. Well I hope I get inspired. Anyway I ama wake and I have not written here so I wanted to really quick. It's Saturday at 10:14 a.m. and it's really sunny. That's nice. It's also hot - but that's cool too!! I'm having some coffee that I made here in my room - WHICH I LOVE adn which is saving me money. For sure. That fucking lady slams her door SO LOUD when she leaves her room. What the fuck is that? There are soooo many people in this house right now - like 10 guests - maybe more. Thee's a wedding today. The guy who owns the bed and breakfast - his best friend is getting married today. But fake married becasue he does some illegal activities so she doesn't want to get in any trouble so FAKE married. But a REAL wedding. Oh - okay - cool. They are really nice people I guess - that are staying here - they were making her cake last night - that is so sweet. I act like such an asshole at my job. But I don't like it so how else would I act. I want to be around better people and do something that I like. Okay - great. I'm depressed. Whenever I wake up my first thoughts are - it's to late - I fucked everything up I'll never be famous or happy or or or or. How awesome is that? Ugh - my psyche makes me crazy. I have to go and shower really fast and walk the dog. Come back here and go to work early and go to my parents tomorrow. My father's birthday party. See you soon. Write you soon. Ugh. Sigh.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Monjave Moon

is the worst movie I have ever seen!! I have no idea what happened in this movie - at all. So bizarre and then I dreamt all night long about Angelina Jolie. Yeesh. I just chatted for almost 2 hours with a guy I have know from - uh - work I used to do for at least 10 years. Meaning I have known this guy for 10 years and have to go to sleep. He's a nice guy but he's a pothead. Not like the crazy totally fucked up kind but - well the kind that smokes pot. And I'm not going there but it was totally fun flirting with someone. Yes it was!! Work I used to do? Like I was a hooker or something. From comedy!!! Jeez - I'm trying to be mysterious and I can't - I can't remember what I've written on here. Anyway - I went back to the gym and I already feel more tired. I also saw the gorgeous guy there again who had the WORST sneaker sock combo going on. And I couldn't see what his thumbs looked like. Plus - who cares? I'm going to a new hym. I hope. I can change my mind. Right? What the fuck? Anyway - I'm so tired. I'm going to get off this thing right now. He's so sweet that guy. Like 2 years ago he said he had been waiting 8 years to have dinner with me and he would wait another 8 if he had to. Hilarious. Oh my ego is loving this!! Anyway. My 8 th step is on Friday - I'm so excited. I wish I could just really get it in my head that these meetings and the people - meaning THE MEN are just my friends and that we are all there for healing - that's it. I will get it. My heart just goes out to this one guy but ALL the girls have crushes on him. Seriously - I need sleep - I'm boy crazy. 9 months sober and I'm giving birth to a horny teenager!!!!! Jesus. Goodnight lambchop.