Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Okay - I'm angry but I think I learned something
and here it is: If someone tells you they are weak they probably are not. I am still so annoyed about this person - hold on - HOLD ON!!!! This is my thing - this is my pattern. I helped them - I blah blah VLAAAAAHHHHHHHH. That's fucking right blah blah vlah. I'm going to start a new saying - BLAH BLAH VLAH. I always feel used and manipulated, underappreciated - ignored, left - used more - I spent more money - I let you walk on me - I helped you. Whatever - it's my pattern FOR SURE. Tonight at the meeting this woman qualified who I think is kind of a douche. She always puts gloves on before holding hands at the end and she always got this nasty look on her face. I was farting sitting next to her one night - SO much - it was horrifying. I had a malt and a cheeseburger and fries AND I was upset about a haircut and I could NOT stop farting and she was SO offended. I had barely had 90 days sober and I couldn't get up and leave and I didn't know what to do so I just sat there and at the end of the meeting (where she kept coughing everytime the smell wafted her way) she put on her gloves as we all held hands. So that's how I first noticed she put on gloves and I thought she did it because I was farting!! I was so hurt and offended back. Can you imagine? I was offended?? What is that? Well anyway I noticed after that that she always put on her gloves at the end before hand holding. AND one time she was eating what I can imagine are called "HOLY FUCK THESE ARE SO LOUDLY CRUNCHY IN A QUIET ROOM STICKS" and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Then she started sharing them with a woman right next to me and they giggled and chewed their sticks and I just thought to myself - this woman is an asshole. Well TONIGHT when she qualified she talked about being a people pleaser and I thought - you know what lady?? You are so far fromt he truth it's insane. You might think you are one - but what you really are is a hard, nasty - trying to be better but you really aren't that nice person. Seriously - I was like - there is NO WAY this woman is a people pleaser. Control freak - okay - yes - I will go with that. Sober - yes - yes I believe so. And whenever people say - "I grew up in a really loving and caring home" - I get nervous. Oh - well maybe it's possible. There are stories in the big book that are about people who grew up in loving, healthy homes and became alcoholic. But I didn't believe her and I don't believe she really knows herself. I believe she wants to and I believe she wants to be better. But I think I have thought that I was a people pleaser. I've never thought those words - maybe more of a people helper. And a person people "take advatage of." But I was being a control freak in SO many of the instances where I was getting "used." People just didn't end up playing the part I cast them in. And I was ALWAYS doing something for some other reason than what I said it was for. And never dealing with old messes or cleaning up after them. And if someone sat next to me and farted and farted - I might get really annoyed. But she has such a yuck about her this chick. She so clearly hates shit and will not admit it. What the fuck is that? You can see it on her face. Well - this is my point - maybe I'm an asshole and you know what - if I am - so be it. I'm not one - but I can be one and who knows - maybe I am one. I want to be easier feeling really. And I had another point - what was it? Oh - well even if I'm not an asshole I don't really think I'ma people pleaser. I just wanted people to like me and do what I wanted so I could get what I wanted. Um - well - that didn't work!! EVER. So - now what? I have no idea - I'm tired. Do I sound crazy people who never read this? Please help me to heal so at some point I can fucking perform again or WHATEVER - I want so I don't feel so trapped and stuck creatively. Thank you for my healing and thank you for my blog support blog. I know I'm crazy but what are you??