Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Okay

I feel better. I shouldn't go three days without a meeting. I also need to be careful about going home. And I need to realize I've been very, very sick and it won't be better overnight and most of the family doesn't even realize HOW sick I was. I would puke ALL the time. Wake up and projectile vomit in the sink - crawl back to bed and then wake up - smoke pot and drink the warm left over beer that had been opened and left on my table/floor all night long. Yup. I would also black out almost every night. Just drink until I was so wasted I was gone - GONE. Half the time I didn't remember getting home and the other half the time I peed my pants because it took me too long to get home. At least 5 or 6 times I was walking on my street here trying to get to the house - run walking holding my crotch so I wouldn't pee and it would hurt so bad that I just would pee. All down my legs - all over my pants - all over the ground. You know that at least one person saw me do that right?? Then I would go in the house - get high (even though I'm sure I had smoked weed wherever I just was) and I would change and go to the bodega and get MORE BEER. WHAT THE FUCK?? It's amazing I'm not more sick right now. And it makes total sense that my body would be all out of whack. It's like when women have eating disorders - once they go back to food or stop puking or whatever combo - they get all bloated and weird and there bodies are all confused. It feels good to write it down. I was a fall down drunk pothead. And now I'm not. And I'm very grateful for that. There were 2 women who were so nice to me today after the meeting. So nice and so normal. And they were being nice to me without telling me what to do - which is so generous and so kind. And my sponsor today!!! Amazing - it's actually making me cry because I was feeling so awful - so sucidal and so ready to just throw in the towel. She says not to stop before the miracle happens. So I feel better after talking to her, talking at the meeting, calling and talking to my therapist and talking to those women. I also made a couple of phone calls, cleaned and ate food. Did laundry and watched a movie. I had grape soda and I walked the dog. I need to go to sleep - I'm so tired. I love you and thank you for being here. Thank you for believing in me blog. My favorite quote of the day - You must be filled with wild chaos in order to give birth to a dancing star. :)

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