Saturday, June 12, 2010

I have intimacy issues

and apparently all alcoholics do. Which makes sense and I feel like is something new I have elarned about myself that makes sense and isn't beating myself up. That sentence made no sense. Of course I have intimacy issues - I don't want anyone really close to me because I don't want anyone to really know me because I'm afraid they will use it against me - OR they will realize what a piece of shit I am. Ugh - so that's fun. I had a drunk dream - well drinking dream last night. It was awful. I dreamed I was at a party for like a weekend - beautiful house - beach I think? Lovely people - people from the program. But there was wine an I went and got a glass because I was "stressed out" and I took a sip and someone noticed. Or a little kid saw me and went and told on me - and I was thinking to myself - okay - just stop - go back and count days - it's okay - but then I just drank the whole glass and was trying to act like I didn't. And then some of the women left because they were upset that I did that. They wanted no part of it. So then I wasn't sure what to do - I was eating food to tr and hide it - thinking about calling my sponsor - should I get more wasted?? And I really thought it happened. When I woke up I had to think for a second that - whoa - I didn't do that - I did NOT drink. Fuck - so scary but what a relief that I didn't. Now about the open room, light on caper? I was awoken today by the people staying here - slamming their doors and yelling to each other from a foot away - and the guy downstairs said - "oh - you said my room was to the left - not the right??? And my room wasn't locked!!" Right but kind sir - my room was locked and you unlocked it - turned the light on and then left it unlocked. Then I heard the woman across the hall ask if someone was staying here in this room. So he doesn't even take good care - he doesn't. "THIS ROOM HAS A PERMANENT TENANT - PLEASE DON'T UNLOCK IT AND GO IN THERE." Would that be to hard to say? It is apparently. Well this weirdo living situation has been perfect for someone like me who didn't want anyone close and wanted to get wasted all the time. Oh - oh my. So - I have to get ready for work. Thanky ou for being here - I really needed to write. Thanks a million blog. p.s. One day I am writing about living in this hotel and working at that other crazy one on 57th street. Yes indeed. Get all of this off my mind and heart!! Oh mind and heart - please start working together.

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