Ah Life.....

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father dying.  Then in about another month it will be about a year since I found out I had cancer.  I was supposed to go to chemo today but I changed it to Friday.  I just wasn't feeling well and I really wanted some time to write and fucking clear my head.  It's chilly in here right now even though it's sunny and in the 70's.  It was so nice to be on the farm last week but it was a lot of work and my mother seems to be showing real signs of aging.  Holy shit it's been a rough couple of years.  I have grown though and I am more grateful than ever for recovery.  I'm more than grateful for it - I'm relieved I have it.  Don't get me wrong it's exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do so much work but I do - because if I don't I get insane and so fiercely uncomfortable it's just - horrible.  Or not manageable and very uncomfortable AND I stop being authentic or even WANTING to be authentic/  It's a subtle difference.  Anyway I'm such a fucking raging alcoholic that if I don't work a program I am going to either pick up a drink or a drug or EAT myself into a size 24 - for real.  Anyway I am getting back to comedy tonight and I am excited for that.  Nervous too but excited.  Okay now  I just have to work on the jokes.  AH!  I can smell my neighbor smoking - I think.  Who cares - anyway.  Gotta get to work.  Stay the course one day at a time.  Take care of my self the best I can while being awake and alive in life.  One more thing - I have been watching a certain comedian on Netflix and I read an article about this comedian.  I don't know why I am being so vague but anyway this person said that they try to be passionate - not try - they are passionate about whatever they are writing and talking about even if it' so dumb.  WHICH BLEW MY MIND.  I just was suddenly so AWARE of how much and how often I subdue my passions and my feelings.  Which is crazy because I am in a business that is all about passion and feelings.  It freed something in me - opened something up.  It was wonderful to realize.  IM SO TIRED ALREADY AND ITS ONLY 11:17 AM.  Blech.  Okay love you Bluebie byeeeee.

Farming....

I'm on the farm for the week while my sister is gone on vacation.  We did the podcast here this morning and had my mom as the guest which was hilarious.  She hasn't been feeling well but she pulled it off.  I have been doing the Whole 30 diet and I was so stressed out on Saturday when we got here that I ate 3 cookies so I had to start over.  So today is day 2 but it's totally fine and I am fucking determined to do this reset.  We had to go to the ER on Saturday and stay with my mom for HOURS and by the time we actually got to the farm I was a wreck.  That being said last night I thought I was going to completely lose my shit....I have to give one of the cats a pill and I could NOT get the cat wrapped in a towel or a blanket or sneak it into any food and meanwhile my mother was coughing constantly and all I could think about was THE PIZZA WE BOUGHT HER FOR DINNER.  I was so upset and overwhelmed (which as I'm writing this probably sounds ridiculous especially if you have children BUT) that I was like THAT'S IT I AM EATING THAT FUCKING PIZZA - GIVE ME THE PIZZA.  Then - then I remembered Tony Robbins.  Then I thought about today and how gross I would feel if I ate that pizza - because I wasn't even hungry.  It wasn't like I needed food - I had eaten a nice, big dinner.  I just wanted it all to go away with delicious cheese and sauce.  But I wasn't doing it from a place of power!  It was a failure rage place!  So then I was like NO!!  I am not letting this cat get to me!!  Or these feelings which probably only have to do with my childhood and not right now!!  NO PIZZA NOOOOO.  So even though I HAD THAT PIZZA BOX IN MY HAND - I put it back.  I FUCKING PUT IT BACK.  When have I ever done that??  I'm so proud of myself.  Then I put the pill in some tuna and he ate it that fucker.  Then I drank a soda water and went on my phone for 20 minutes looking at nothing and I felt better.  Then today I was so glad I didn't eat the pizza and I was able to fit into my overalls.  I WANTED TO DRESS THE PART OF BEING A FARMER.  Ha!!  Meanwhile all I am doing is taking care of indoor pets and I let the chickens out of the chicken coop.  It's not exactly farming but it does LOOK like I am a farmer.  So that's all.  Byeeeeeeee.

Responsible for myself.....

Well I am going to say something I have probably said before but it's fully in my consciousness right now so I'm going to write about it.  I am responsible for myself.  In every way.  I don't mean that  I am fully or I have been I mean that's what the deal is.  I am the one who is supposed to look out after me.  This is alanon stuff I guess.  I am not even sure why I am writing about this but I just can't stop thinking about it today.  I get so offended when someone asks me to do something I don't want to do and I get so upset when someone can't figure out what I want WITHOUT ME TELLING THEM WHAT IT IS.  So okay so what?  I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I have had a shitload of issues and I come from a family very effected by alcoholism.  So cool now I can fully realize and hopefully remember that I am the one who is responsible for me - so I can step up to the plate and take charge of that.  People aren't going to stop asking me for things.  I ask people for things all the time!  But there's power in this!  Great power!  Personal power!  Holy shit I am so tired.  This is one week since finishing radiation and she said the effects of it would build up for 2 weeks afterwards and then I would start to feel better.  It's a beautiful day here.  I went for a walk and had healthy food today.  I'm on Day 5 of the Whole 30 again.  It's much easier this time.  I'm going to sit down now (in a different place ha) and write in my journal.  This brings me great comfort.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Tomorrow is my last day of radiation!

Big fucking sigh!  God what a shit show over here.  The guy and I are having problems - which of course makes sense right?  I got cancer.  What the fuck?  I GOT CANCER.  How fucking INSANE is that??  Anyway it's not just the cancer - it's the issues I/we had before we ever found out about the cancer.  I'm so alanonic and was saying yes when I really meant no - a lot.  Not in a compromising way but in a "Okay I will say yes and then I will be fully fucking enraged about it."  Only I HAD NO IDEA THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.  Fuck the fucking subconscious!!!  My therapist always says that it determines everything - only I think she calls it the unconscious.  I'm fully fucking confused right at this moment but it doesn't even matter - the point is that I was not conscious of this pattern.  So then my sponsor explained to me that if we are doing things that makes us angry and stuffing it down then the anger COMES OUT SIDEWAYS.  Which is exactly what has been happening the last month or so.  I come home and I'm okay.  Th guy comes home and every little thing he does drives me fucking nuts.  His breathing, his chewing, his sighing, the way HE CHANGES THE CHANNEL.  Everything we watch is recorded so he's not even changing the channel!!  I'm insane!!  It's so so sad and hurtful to him and UGH what a fucking shit show.  Meanwhile I am trying to heal.  I'm obsessed with food right now and trying to figure out what the fuck I can eat that will keep me healthy.  I think I have some sort of histamine intolerance problem which means I should cut out buts, seeds AVOCADO, spinach ugh IDK.  My head is spinning.  I have to say something makes me so inflamed all the time and that has got to stop.  I have cut way back on sugar and white flour so that is helping.  Also I haven't been eating dairy which is also helping.  I went to an allergist and he tested me for a whole bunch of stuff and I am allergic to nothing.  I'm about to do the Whole 30 diet again.  I did feel better after I did that diet except I found out I had cancer in the middle of it.  Well there is this.......I can only be healthier by eating as little sugar and processed foods as possible.  Stick with fresh food and homemade stuff.  I'm getting exhausted writing this.  The allergist doctor still has to give me one more test and that might help figure out some stuff.  I haven't done much comedy lately.  I'm not feeling well from radiation and I just - I don't know.  I wanted to focus on my health.  So I have been.  I'm just going to slowly move forward.  Love you Bluebie bye.