Ah Life.....

Tomorrow is the 2nd anniversary of my father dying.  Then in about another month it will be about a year since I found out I had cancer.  I was supposed to go to chemo today but I changed it to Friday.  I just wasn't feeling well and I really wanted some time to write and fucking clear my head.  It's chilly in here right now even though it's sunny and in the 70's.  It was so nice to be on the farm last week but it was a lot of work and my mother seems to be showing real signs of aging.  Holy shit it's been a rough couple of years.  I have grown though and I am more grateful than ever for recovery.  I'm more than grateful for it - I'm relieved I have it.  Don't get me wrong it's exhausting and I wish I didn't have to do so much work but I do - because if I don't I get insane and so fiercely uncomfortable it's just - horrible.  Or not manageable and very uncomfortable AND I stop being authentic or even WANTING to be authentic/  It's a subtle difference.  Anyway I'm such a fucking raging alcoholic that if I don't work a program I am going to either pick up a drink or a drug or EAT myself into a size 24 - for real.  Anyway I am getting back to comedy tonight and I am excited for that.  Nervous too but excited.  Okay now  I just have to work on the jokes.  AH!  I can smell my neighbor smoking - I think.  Who cares - anyway.  Gotta get to work.  Stay the course one day at a time.  Take care of my self the best I can while being awake and alive in life.  One more thing - I have been watching a certain comedian on Netflix and I read an article about this comedian.  I don't know why I am being so vague but anyway this person said that they try to be passionate - not try - they are passionate about whatever they are writing and talking about even if it' so dumb.  WHICH BLEW MY MIND.  I just was suddenly so AWARE of how much and how often I subdue my passions and my feelings.  Which is crazy because I am in a business that is all about passion and feelings.  It freed something in me - opened something up.  It was wonderful to realize.  IM SO TIRED ALREADY AND ITS ONLY 11:17 AM.  Blech.  Okay love you Bluebie byeeeee.