Sunday, June 30, 2013

WOW.

Totally woke up - went and saw my cousin and her family, got a manicure, pedicure, massage, worked on my set - went to 2 meetings and then I waited at the comedy club for HOURS to do a 5 minute set at the VERY end of the night and it was SO worth it.  Amazing.  I was nervous too and I wasn't that great but I did it and I got a few good laughs which is actually a miracle since the audience - what was left of them was SO done.  I also got stuff to whiten my teeth.  The strips - that's what the dentist said to use.  I can't believe I got myself a mani/pedi.  I walked all the way to this salon on the lower east side where it's actually really cheap and they do a great job.  Amazing.  Then on my way home - I thought of the dog - I'm always thinking of her and I was just so sad.  Then coming home now - so not here.  It's so heart breaking that I'm doing comedy again for real.  Can you even imagine?  I just - I just can't be here so much - it hurt too much.  It hurts too much to be here without her.  But I am taking care of myself - except I am eating like a pig - I can't stop but I am walking everywhere - so.  So.  So I am super bloated but it would be worse if I wasn't exercising.. OH - REALLY?  I'm bloated but I just can't.  I can't not eat.  I'm too sad to be hungry - that's it.  Well - so there it is.  Holy fuck I am tired.  Long ass day.  Bye my sweet Bluebie - I love you.  Thank you for being here for me.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Just saw my dog walker.

He was really high and talked about his parents dying.  He didn't even say sorry about the dog - he just said "ohhh."  What was he supposed to say?  I just cleaned the bathroom and went for a really long walk in the park which helped a lot.  My old sponsor called and left a really sweet message.  I guess for every person who can't give there is someone who can.  I just miss that little dog in my life.  I woke up and prayed & meditated for a long time which is really hard with the cigarette smoke.  You know I really was able to remember this morning how hard it was for me to quit - how I couldn't quit for anyone.  It wasn't until I was dying.  I would wake up wheezing from the cigarettes - coughing - like an asthma attack.  It was really fucking scary.  It's a horrible addiction cigarettes - horrible.  Had me by the balls and clearly he as well.  I need to get some stuff from the store.  Holy fuck work was so bad last night - so slow - so - awful.  It is the weirdest thing - I am literally watching this old life of mine die around me.  No more crazy Bed & Breakfast, no more dog, no more working in the comedy clubs as a waitress (it hasn't happened yet but it will), no more crazy performance artist friends (I mean some are still my friends - dear friends but it's not my life anymore), no more drinking, no more drugs.  It's so fucking weird.  Also - also what?  What the fuck was I just going to say?  Sigh - I don't know.  I'm still broken hearted about the dog and I'm lonely.  I know - oh - I want to be able to travel now, see my family - live - be alive - have a life.  I'm sick of being and feeling poor.  I want abundance and joy.  Glory and - life.  I did imagine taking a shit on the stairs of the supers office.  There are cameras everywhere.  I think if I actually did that I would be so impressed with myself.  I would be in awe of my ability to do that.  HA.  WOW - I AM OKAY RIGHT??  I'm just going to radically accept where I am right now and hold on for the ride.  Keep taking care of myself.  That's it.  I'm going to see my cousin tomorrow - and her baby & husband and then I am going to go get a manicure & a pedicure.  More work tonight.  I wrote 3 jokes while I was in the park.  That's great right?  Okay bye Bluebie - love you.

Friday, June 28, 2013

I just simply do not know what I have to give.

I really don't.  What do I have to give this world?  What do I have to contribute?  How can I be of service?  I'm working so hard and I feel like I am running in place.  Not only that but I feel like I'm not helping - isn't that terrible?  I guess I should be happy that I even WANT to help - that certainly wasn't the case even - I don't know - last week?  Ha.  Anyway.  Slow boring day at the store.  I woke up in smelly smoke sheets and I talked to my sponsor who was basically annoyed at me complaining about it but not willing to say anything so I called the super and told him that his smoke was coming through to my apartment and do you know what he said?  He said "That's impossible - no way is smoke coming through to second floor - first floor maybe - second floor no way - and anyway first floor never complain so can't be possible - must be from outside.  Anyway - I'm only in there for 10 minutes at a time."  Right - there is no way I could POSSIBLE smell smoke between 2 floors - HA.  So I called and got an air purifier and I asked the man if he thought it would work - he said it would help a lot and he laughed when I said the super said the smoke can't go between floors.  SMOKE RISES - hello.  Can you imagine that I actually believed the super at first.  Anyway I got the air purifier and I said something - I'm glad I stood up for myself.  I was REALLY polite and kind too and I said thank you and have a nice day.  He was a turd about it but come on - HE TAPED my toilet together.  What is that even?  What in the world.  Oye yoi yoi.  Well let's hope I - what?  Now I'm scared he's going to do something to me because I complained to him.  Well - well I stood up for myself.  It's hot today and I can't see well.  My sheets literally smell like smoke.  Why couldn't he take at least take responsibility?  Because he is the type of man who tapes a toilet together.  I should just write a joke about it.  Bye Bluebie.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Mother fuck myself.

What the - what.  I am broken hearted and I am so fucking tired.  I need to amaze myself now - that's all I can say - I need to amaze myself.  I need to amaze myself at what I can do.  I never ever ever EVER thought I could get sober - ever.  Ever.  I couldn't stop drinking even when I was throwing up on the floor.  I would just puke on the carpet and then drink more.  Not kidding.  Do you know how much I used to hump the radiator in my bedroom at that crazy bed and breakfast?  A LOT.  I would just get so high, drunk - all horny on cigarettes and hump the fuck away.  That sounds nice doesn't it?  Hmmm - so romantic.  I miss my sweet dog so much.  I got home from this long double and bawled my eyes out - I miss her and she really feels gone now.  Big sigh.  I don't know - I feel so gross.  What can I do to amaze myself - get myself in shape - free myself from this - chapter of my life?  The chapter where I'm a victim.  Isn't that so sad?  I'M A VICTIM.  I hate it - I hate this chapter or I hate the ending of this chapter.  I need to mother fucking save myself.  I'm doing that gosh darn fucking 21 day vegan diet right after I get done with my period this time.  I'm doing it.  I have to do something.  I didn't get a dog today - and there is this one cute one who keeps popping up and he's only 3 months old and soooooo cute.  I can't afford him and I'm not doing it.  No - no - it's too soon and I can't afford one now.  I haven't even paid my rent for this month yet.  Okay - right.  Amaze myself.  Okay.  Operation amaze myself.  Feel confident - ugh - I couldn't even finish typing that fucking pepp me up sentence.  Gross.  Okay - Bluebie - love you good night.

Hmmmm.

I think that that man affected me so strongly because even though he is incredible attractive - I want to BE like him.  I want to do beautiful work that inspires people and brings them joy.  Yes - and I want to travel and see wonderful things and be part of amazing things and be - alive and contribute to the world.  In a gorgeous way.  I also want to feel sexy again.  What?  Ha - well - sure - why not.  K - bye.

Another thing......

I think being an addict - and active addict is like being autistic.  I was so lost inside myself - I couldn't stand being touched - I didn't want anyone near me.  I even felt that way well into sobriety - I was such an isolated mess inside myself.  Guess what?  Now I don't completely jerk away when people touch me - unless it's their McDonald's on my leg - and even THEN I just moved my leg away politely.  Every time.  See?  See - my life is so much better now.  It's so much bigger and I am so mess less horrible and weird to be around.  RIGHT????????  Bye.

I can not focus.

What in the world - who am I now?  What the fuck am I doing?  What do I have to contribute to the world??  I'm so confused.  The days are so much longer now and I feel so lost.  I just wake up so sick I miss her so much and I am literally doing the best I can.  I went and filmed more of that web series last night after work and then I went to a meeting at 10:00 at night - super weird meeting but I fucking did it because I do not want to drink.  The train ride home was so weird - sniffling lady(and she had on one of those shorts onsies and acted like she was a super model while she sniffled and rubbed her face - but she was NOT one) - the woman next to me was clutching a bag of McDonald's in her fist and staring straight ahead like a comatose victim for the WHOLE FUCKING local stops ride and it kept getting on my leg.  It didn't help that I was hungry and I love McDonald's - but I also hate it on my leg.  There was a weirdo hippie couple - young - oddly young looking red curly haired chick reading to her bushy, dirty bearded boyfriend in a fake British accent - SO ANNOYING.  It felt like they were on ecstasy.  She kept looking up and around all weird while she read to him.  Are you fucking kidding me?  I was reading but it was so hard not to take this all in.  Anyway I'm so confused - so lost - so without direction and I also feel like I have SO much to give.  UGH.  I decided my summer is for comedy.  I have to waitress tonight at the club and okay - let's have a good attitude - right?  How?  How do I do that?  Um - I don't know - I should go and do some work here - it's so quiet today.  Oh dear.  Hard times Bluebie - hard times but I'm here and that's okay.  It's really okay.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

So sad.

I'm so sad today - how has it gotten harder every single morning?  I miss her so much and today I can't stop crying and for some reason being at work isn't helping.  It's just so empty without her.  I cooked when I got home last night and when I was doing the dishes I just sighed - it was so sad.  I missed her bumping around in the kitchen and just - being there.  Her warmth - she was so warm and so sweet.  It's like it took me all this time to really feel how broken hearted I am.  Now I'm losing focus also.  I looked up the website of that photographer and can you even imagine - he is so talented.  I started to cry when I saw his pictures.  Now I'm crying again.  What the fuck I hate this.  Okay - I have PMS too - it's okay - it's really okay.  I told my friend I'm filming the web series for that I would get some exterior shots of the psychic place next door.  I need to do that.  I can't just sit here and cry and look at some beautiful man who is taken.  Taken and not interested - ha.  Okay - that made me laugh and now I'm crying again.  Good - I can laugh and cry all day.  Talk to myself and just FEEL MY FUCKING SUPER SAD HEART BROKEN FEELINGS.  Not laughing.  Okay I should really get some work done - I need to focus.  I have literally no idea what the future holds for me.  I keep praying all the time for "knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out."  I'm so glad I am sober because this would be a nightmare - a real messy nightmare if I were - gross - drinking.  What a hard time right?  I'm so sad but I am grateful.  Awesome.  Bye.  Love you Bluebie.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Blogger blogger Blueth.

I can't stop watching Arrested Development.  Took me forever to get into it and now I love it.  I did a show tonight and it was great.  As great as I can be right now.  I just ate 5 meatballs and spaghetti - fucking delicious.  I made it myself and I did the dishes.  It's so much sadder cooking without her here.  I'm pretty sure I just ate my feelings but so fucking what.  I am doing the best I can and I did the best I could today.  I walked, did laundry, went to a meeting, walked to the show - did the show - talked to my friend afterwards - went home - made myself dinner.  Now - now I am so tired.  Ugh - I can only imagine how much harder this would be if I didn't know it was going to happen.  I sat near a girl who had a little Chihuahua puppy in a bag right on the subway.  It just popped out of her bag and looked at me and I started crying.  It was the cutest little thing - hilarious.  I mean I freaked the poor girl out but I closed my eyes and pretended to meditate.  I feel like I am going to explode.  Dentist appointment tomorrow and more filming - behind the camera.  That was a fucking blast the other day - I really loved it.  Goodnight Bluebie - I love you for being here.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

So much talk about fear lately....

and I'm thinking "What am I afraid of?" and just now as I was praying I realized that I am afraid to make other people feel.  In that truck I was driving yesterday I was afraid to really lose it or be really big or go crazy because I was in a car with 3 other fairly quiet men and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.  I kept thinking (in the back of my mind) "I don't want to freak them out - oh - they will get so uncomfortable."  OH MY GOD THAT'S WHAT ACTING IS - MAKING PEOPLE FEEL.  Holy fuck - class last night was great - last class before summer - but it was - so hard - I wasn't very good and it was the same thing.  Sort of - well in both cases I hadn't done enough preparation - so.  So - so I don't know if I can do this.  I clamp down on myself so much all day long - I don't know if I can free myself and do the work I need to do in order to be free.  It is a generous service that actors so - and I don't know if I can do it.  It's also a workout - you have to be in amazing shape - you know - I don't know if I can work that hard.  To leave for the summer frustrated sucks - ugh.  It was also even harder coming home last night to no dog and holy fuck - waking up this morning was - fucking awful.  Thank God - I have that thing to film today and I'm going to say thank God I have the club to go to tonight.  Oh - oh dear.  I feel sick.  Anyway - okay - it's a beautiful day today.  I have some things to think about.  I wish I had more jobs coming up - I have to see how I cold make that happen. Maybe I should see how I don't make that happen - just let it happen if it's meant to?   Love you Bluebie - thanks for being here.  p.s. ugh.

Friday, June 21, 2013

I miss my dog I miss my dog I miss my dog......

Coming home is the hardest thing.  I didn't even want to come home after I got done with that shoot early.  For what?  Her bed is still her - I still have newspaper on the floor that she peed on.  I just need to clean it up.  It's such a dull ache.  She wasn't okay and I probably kept her alive too long.  I was remembering how lively she used to be - I mean she used to be able to see and walk up and down the stairs for fuck's sake.  The shoot was okay today - by the park and it's a beauuuutiful day so that was nice.  I had to drive a truck - that was fun.  Ugh - the poor camera man - I kept hitting every pothole and making sharp turns and slamming him up against the window.  Oye.  I don't know - I don't understand how these shoots are supposed to go where you are basically instantly improvising.  It was so awkward - you know - I just didn't have that much to give - that's all there is to it.  Plus I hardly ever drive and I was distracted - plus it was very busy on the streets.  Ugh - I just had nothing to give really.  I don't know - I hope some people will be in class tonight that I can ask.  My father asked me if I needed help paying for the dog and I said no.  Why did I say that?  I don't know.  I just - it's so hard growing up - this part is even harder - I'm getting a little numb - like - you know - out of it - not present.  I'm going to exercise.  I met this great guy on the set - we kept having awesome conversations - I should have gotten his last name.  Oh well.  I want to do so much more of this - I loved it so much.  Okay - thank God I have things to do.  Bye Bluebie - love you.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Just got home and no dog.

This is painful.  That's all there is to it.  How am I going to get up and get to this shoot tomorrow?  I have to wake up at 5:30 again.  Okay - well - I guess I just have to do it.  There isn't a dog but there is a fly, roaches, mice and a fat fucking smoking super - so I'm not alone.  That's good.  Oh boy.  Well.  I took care of myself by not going to the comedy club.  I went to a meeting - a teeny, tiny gay mens meeting.  It was so small that we went around the room - TWICE - sharing.  Holy fuck.  Can you even imagine I keep thinking about that camera man - but it's in such an unhealthy way.  I'm just attracted to him and SO WHAT?  I kept talking yesterday so he could here me and I kept listening to what he was saying - totally eves dropping and then I was repeating what he was saying - omg - it was a mess.  I was also talking about the dog like she was - you know - fully alive and well.  Now she's dead an I was like "Oh boy - how am I going to explain this one."  TO WHO??  The guy who is COMPLETLEY not interested in me??  How fucking weird is that?  I'm so manipulative - almost without even realizing it.  I'm so sad - I'm so sad she's not here - I miss her so much.  She was such a good friend to me - such a sweet girl - oh.  This just fucking hurts - that's all there is to it.  There's also loud music playing - awesome.  Ugh - who cares??  It's nice out - play your music.  Love you Bluebie - love you so much.

She's gone.

My sweet girl - gone.  She had a terrible night - oh my God - it was awful and she kept whining and this morning she threw up undigested pieces of food and she yelped.  I took her to the vet and on the subway - I thought to myself - oh maybe she is okay - and then she had a huge, crazy seizure.  Complete with yelping and me having a total breakdown.  I'm not even kidding - I completely lost it.  She did this weird open mouthed yelping shudder - body quiver fucking horribleness.  I just couldn't - I couldn't keep her alive - she was so uncomfortable - so - not herself.  I was up with her almost all night - I couldn't get her to rest.  She wouldn't drink water or pee - ugh - can you imagine?  I took her out last night and she wouldn't pee.  I miss her - I miss her so much.  Ugh - they came in to the room at the vet and asked me if I wanted water and I found myself almost joking and saying "A drink."  But then I thought it best to not joke like that - ever.  So I didn't and right after I get done work I'm going to a meeting and talking about this.  The owner was so nice about it - so sweet.  An animal lover herself.  Well - so - so I got to tell her how much I loved her - how grateful I was to have her in my life - what a gift.  So I'm holding her limp little body - looking in her cloudy eye as she seems very much like - get the fuck away from me and sobbing.  Her poor breath was labored - fucking horrible.  I LOST it on the subway.  This woman came over and comforted me.  Do you know I usually can't stand people doing that but I was so desperate.  She was so sweet - what a nice woman.  Actually everyone was so nice - one of those magical New York moments where people are nice to each other.  To me and my seizing dog.  Poor little baby.  Okay - could I get more sentimental?  Yes - yes I could.  Love you Bluebie.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I think it might be time.

I think I might actually have to put the dog to sleep - I just came home and she looked so sad sitting there and right now - she look so sad.  She was standing there a few minutes ago and her legs just slowly started to make their way into a split.  I can't - I don't know - I can - she looks so sad - omg this is heart breaking.  Maybe it's the peanut butter I just gave her?  Maybe it's from the weekend home - that food maybe?  Isn't this terrible - to have to decide to kill your animal?  I really can't do this.  I'm going to pray about it - that's what I'm going to do.  I had a second day of shooting today and it was so so SO much better - the director even hugged me when I left.  I shot tons all day and it was so much fun - I just loved it so much.  The camera man that I liked has a girlfriend and I could tell by the way he was - well - acting like he had a girlfriend that he had one.  Isn't that so sweet?  That he actually gave off that vibe?  What a lucky woman she is - he's beautiful, nice and he seemed really talented.  He at least looks smoking hot using a camera - ha- whatever that might do for her.  Ugh - I did my best but it was really weird to be just acting from no script.  I have so many questions and it's so odd to have a camera right in my face - I don't know.  Also working with a young kid - so odd - he was like - um can you pet my hair the other way because it doesn't feel good when you do it like that.  Ha!  His first job and he was AMAZING.  And so so cute.  Oh my God - adorable.  His parents were great too.  I don't know - maybe I will be able to figure out more when I see it in 4 months - ugh.  I need to go - I need to love this dog.  Oye - heartbreak.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Welp.

I went to the first day of shooting today.  I got up at 5:45 a fucking m.  I got there and I sat there for 8 hours until they used me.  The director seemed to like me at first and then - not so much.  Oh boy - whatever.  I colored my hair for the part and it came out SO dark.  Ha - whoops.  I had no idea what I was doing - now I have a much better idea and there were - so - so - sooooo - many cute guys there.  I can not help it - I love PA's and the guys who work the cameras.  It's so fucking hot.  That shit hanging off their belts and there is something so hot about a guy handling a big camera - I love it.  This one guy - oh my Lord.  SO cute - it was a little uncomfortable though and it was around there that the director got grumpy with me.  Ha - whatever.  I'm doing my best - that is for fucking sure.  They were a really nice group of people.  Now I'm home and I'm going to take care of myself, get some sleep and get back there super early tomorrow.  Did I say what a nice time I had with the family?  So nice.  I'm so tired - I'm trying so hard.  I'm trying so fucking hard.  Okay - why?  Because I want to live - I got sober to live.  I also want to move past this part of my life.  The smoking super - he's down there right now - with the door open and a cigarette in his continuously growing hand.  He just keeps getting fatter and fatter.  How I that possible?  All the man does is smoke cigarettes.  Unbelievable.  Okay - this is boring I guess.  I'm sober.  Bye.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

HOLY FUCK - WHAT A NIGHTMARE.

Why do I keep going back to this job?  I had such a nice day - I woke up, prayed & meditated - went for a jog/walk in the park - met my friend to work on her web series - had a nice lunch with her.  I had a great class last night and I even was so grateful for the subway ride home.  So grateful that I was able to DO that - I could never take the subway - I took cabs everywhere.  How fucking ridiculous is that?  I had no socks, underwear or clothes - but I took cabs everywhere.  Awesome.  Now I don't do that - I take buses and I take subways.  It was just such a nightmare there tonight - so slow, then suddenly busy but in a crazy way and still shitty money.  Okay - okay - I don't know - I really don't.  I do - I do know - I am getting myself other work and it's just going to take time I guess.  Holy shit - it smells like cigarettes in here - all my complaining did nothing and so I stopped.  This is all I keep thinking - I want to move - I want to be around fresh air - I am over this.  I want different work and I want fresh air.  I want acting work and creative work and - FUCK.  I'm so frazzled right now AND my ankle hurts.  Mother fucker.  Okay - well - I just - it's over - I left the job - I just put away the hand washed clothes I took care of today - the dog is still alive - I don't know.  I didn't even WANT to work tonight - I wanted to be home with my family but I couldn't get anyone to work and then it was a nightmare.  I'm taking some advil and getting as much rest as I can before catching that super early train in the morning.  I have to leave by - 7:30?  Fun - it's 1:15.  If I don't go now I won't be able to see them at all.  Okay.  Holy fucknuts.  Up, down, up - fuck.  Good night.  WOW.  I went to a meeting - I am taking care of myself.  It's just not happening that fast - I'm not leaving this part of my life behind quick enough is all.  I'm just so ready - I'm so ready for this part of my life to be past.  I am ready to shut this cha[ter.  The fucking bus boy is still being a turd to me too - WHY wouldn't he?  UGH.  Can you imagine if I was just around people that amazed me and inspired me all the time?  What would I write about???  THAT - THAT'S WHAT I WANT!!  AhhhhhhHHHHHAAAHHHHH.  Fuck my nuts.  Bye.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Fucking fuck.

I finally asked the girl if we could film at night for the days I want to work on the other project and she says "Oh we aren't shooting those days - I was going to tell you Saturday."  OH GREAT BECAUSE I REARRANGED MY WHOLE WORK SCHEDULE SO GLAD TO KNOW YOU WERE GOING TO TELL ME % DAYS FROM NOW WHEN THINGS ARE REALLY HAPPENING.  Whoa.  So I got up today and hustled my ass around - doing laundry - fucking laundry, doing dishes, vacuuming, remaking the bed etc.  Then - then I go to work.  I didn't go to a meeting.  Then next thing I know I'm in a fight with the dishwasher - a fight I'm losing and lost by the way.  It was so dumb and I feel so juvenile - WHY AM I STILL WORKING THERE?  He's a dishwasher but we tip him out like he's a busboy but he REFUSES to actually take the glasses off the tables - we have to do it - put them in the glass racks and THEN he'll go wash them.  Um - this has always bothered me.  Why am I tipping out a dishwasher?  But guess what - I  tip him well and I even tip extra because that's what I do.  Um and the other girl tonight asked him to help bus tables and then he comes over and complains to me about it - I say "If you worked anywhere else you WOULD have to bus the tables - that's why we tip you out."  This didn't go over well nor did any of my trying to explain myself and he was like "Get away from me - you are only making me more angry."  Ha - well.  I said sorry before I left - he did not pick up one glass from one table and just gave me dirty looks all night long.  It was awesome.  I kept thinking "I don't have to be here - I don't have to do this with my time or my life."  But also - what am I doing not going to a meeting?  Why do I keep letting it slide?  I can't afford to do that - I HAVE to go to a meeting basically everyday.  Also - with this dog - come on - she falls over and then she can't get up sometimes.  Last night she was laying there and she whined - it was so heartbreaking.  I guess I have to put her to sleep but I - ugh - how can I do that?  It's so so so so so - I can't.  What is the most loving thing I can do?  What is the most loving thing I can do for her?  Is it to put her to sleep?  I don't know - I do know she's losing weight and she falls down and can't get up and that seems bad.  I'm not good at this.  WHO THE FUCK IS?  Jesus.  I think at this moment in my life I need MORE meetings - not less.  I need MORE acting and less waitressing.  I need MORE prayer and meditation and A LOT LESS TELLING PEOPLE WHAT I REALLY THINK.  That guy has never bussed one table - what made me think he would start NOW - 4 years later because my ass said something?  Yeesh.  I need to go to sleep.  Bye.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Yeesh.

I'm supposed to film something for a friend - literally be behind the camera and then edit it for her.  I can do the camera work and do it well and I have been having fun using the camera my sister gave me to practice with.  However I may have gotten an acting job and the days conflict.  What am I supposed to do?  We already set the dates but - I don't know - I'm - I don't even want to do it is the problem.  So here is what I didn't do over the last couple of days at the store when it seemed super crazy - I didn't say anything - restraint of pen and tongue.  That was the right thing to do.  Now - now I am pretty sure the program would say that I have made this commitment and I should stick to it.  This dog - I swear to God - it's insane - she just bumps around and falls over all the time.  Ugh - she's so skinny too - she's so not okay.  However - she's eating, she DEFINITELY peeing and pooping and she's go this dog walker who sits with her and carries her outside and sits with her on the stoop.  It smelled again like he took a giant man shit in my bathroom but maybe also there is something wrong with the toilet?  I cleaned the bathroom when I got home so I would know for sure tomorrow night if he is.  I really don't care to be honest but it seems strange since he lives next door.  Hmmm - so odd.  Well anyway - she's fading away but she's still here.  Okay - so it's a new day tomorrow so that's good and I'm doing an open mike/booked show tomorrow night.  My brother said to me years ago and a few times since - that if I'm not doing something everyday towards acting and my craft than I shouldn't be here.  So tonight I had class and I submitted myself for a bunch of stuff and I arranged my schedule so I can either shoot in front of the camera or behind it.  I wish I could do both to be honest.  Both pay - the acting one better and neither very much.  Together it would be awesome.  Anyway I think about my brother saying that all the time and I think only a guy would say that.  My sisters never say anything like that to me.  My little sister just can't understand why I don't dance more.  WOW - this blog is journally for me.  I went to a meeting tonight and forced myself to talk to people.  I met a nice gay man - named - oh let's make up a name for him - Bart.  Yes - he is a Bart for sure.  Bart has glasses and so much pain it's popping out of his eyes.  His hair looked amazing though!  They serve cookies and coffee first so it makes it easy to at least try to talk to people.  I need and want to amp up my program.  I think it's like anything - I just shouldn't stay stagnant and I am a little right now.  I like Bart - he had a lot of good things to say.  Wow - I just got he urge to help more people - holy shit that almost never happens.  Yes - yes I want to do that.  Oh class was so weird tonight and I was terrible.  It's so confusing.  I know I'm funny - I guess - I just don't know if I have the proper control over my energy to be a consistent actress all the time.  A consistent GREAT actress.  Why else do it?  I left class and went to Duane Reade and there's a building right near 54th Street and 8th Avenue that looks like a giant pencil.  It has this orange triangle tip and it looks like a pencil.  Anyway I was like "Oh - oh I should write."  Well so here I wrote.  I need to sleeeep.  Work and a show and somehow a meeting.  Yes indeed.  Okay - so that' my plan.  Goodnight sweet Bluebie.  I love you!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Date.

So I went on a date - he took me to the movies - he's in SAG so he gets free screenings of movies and took me as his guest - that was sweet. I LOVED the movie - then he walked me to the train and held the umbrella awkwardly over my head for me the whole way.  the strap of the umbrella kept going into my glasses - ha.  Then he put his arm around - um - is it so dumb that I was surprised?  Wait - it gets better!  He walks me down to the train and like - sort of gentle attacks me and kisses me all opened mouthed and - I was SO confused!  I mean - then he did it again while saying - "Oh - oh I don't know what you were thinking - I was just trying to say goodbye!"  Like somehow I did it?  It wasn't gross but it - I didn't like it.  He was so aggressive and SOFT at the same time - what is that??  Oh for fuck's sake.  Then he seemed embarrassed and shy.  I don't know - he's not that tall and that was strange - I don't even care about that - the kissing was super weird - there - I wasn't into it.  HOW HARD IS THAT TO SAY??  I wasn't READY for it.  Do you know what I was actually trying to say to him as he slowly attack kissed me the second time - I was like "Okay - alright (I SAID THAT) - whoa alright" and I was trying to say "I AM TRYING NOT TO DO THIS - I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOU AT ALL - THAT HORMONE IS GOING TO KICK IN AND I WILL THINK I LIKE YOU EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW IF I DO!!!!"  I wish I did say that.  He's not a jerk though - he was so sweet - he brought candy - he came in all the way from Staten Island - come on.  I think the dog sitter took a shit in my bathroom.  It smells like man poop in there and is that weird?  That seems weird to me.  Holy fuck - what a long, boring, rainy day.  I have to not get mad that the owner of the store is persnickety - I NEED that job.  Okay - I can't be late anymore this week.  How about ever?  So - soooooo - soooooo.  Yikes - yikesy yikeness.  Did not like that kissing - nopes - not at all.  Awww - he also texted in the middle of the movie and that just seemed extreme - come on - really?  Why do I feel bad?  Whatever.  No big deal - right?  I have Raman noodles to eat bye.

Poem.

Sponsor
Calmer
Plug back in
Fuck the jobs
Life free of liquor sin.
Take a poop
Change some bulbs
Brush my teeth
Lover's glow.
Just kidding - Single's glow!!
What?
This poem sucks my balls
BUT I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!

Oh dear.

I am in a panic.  I feel like this is all about to end - New York - my jobs - I don't know.  What would be so terrible about that?  I have no idea - as long as I stay sober everything will be okay.  It's raining today and I am here at the store and I was over an hour late - I just could not get out of bed.  I just noticed the chandelier has 2 bulbs out.  I have had this feeling before - with this last boyfriend - I knew it wasn't going to work - with the guy who I moved here with - with the Gay & Breakfast.  Um - hello - seriously?  These are all things I knew weren't going to work out ultimately from the beginning.  The same with this job - it's been so hard - both of these jobs.  Fuck - I just don't know how to trust that I will be okay.  Right at the same time as the poor doggie.  Ugh - okay I need to eat - bye.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Good day.

I suppose I can say today was a good day.  I went and got some pictures done and it was fairly fast and I think we got what I needed.  I think - we went right to her house and checked them out and I think they are okay.  I then went to work and worked.  So this weekend consisted of me working, class, pictures and more working.  They fired the general manager at the club - my friend.  That was so drama today.  I have to work in the morning.  I came home and took the dog out tonight and I had to help her take a poop - I had to hold her up so she could poop.  She kept falling over when she tried to get in position.  I just can't do it - I can not take this dog and put her to sleep - can't do it.  She's sleeping right there in her bed right now with her tail curled around her legs and just pointed up in the air a little bit - I love when she does that.  Ugh - it's so sad - seeing her fade away.  Poor thing - I wonder if she's in pain?  How would I know?  I am up way to late - it took me awhile to get organized when I got home tonight - put my stuff away - get myself ready for bed, yoga, floss, take my make-up off  - you know - get myself a little ready for tomorrow.  Holy fuck - it is so much better being sober.  Who can do any of this stuff drinking?  How could I have fit that in to my day today?  It was a full time job getting wasted all the time.  The doing of it, the getting of the stuff and the time it took to recover from it.  It's so sad - I don't even want to think about it.  Okay so I should go to bed.  I mean I am in bed right now but I should go to sleep.  I'm going to go the movies tomorrow night with a guy - ha - a guy.  Whatever - I want to see the movie.  I also still feel mad about the guy and I really want to move past that - free myself from it.  Happy, joyous and free - that's what they say in the program you can have if you get sober.  You don't have to drink anymore and you can be happy, joyous and free.  I would say I have at least begun to drive on the road towards happy, joyous and free.  Maybe I just turned onto the road.  Sleepy time.  Good night sweet Bluebie of my dreams.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Who the fuck am I?

I feel like I woke up yesterday and I'm 41 - almost 42 - and I have no idea who I am.  I went to a meeting tonight and this beaaautiful gay man - beautiful inside and out - asked me what was new.  I told him I'm auditioning and that I have no idea what my type was now - who I am in that way.  As I write that it seems o shallow but I also don't know who I am - at all - not just type wise for acting or whatever.  Here's the good part before I get upset.  He said I'm better than I have ever been because I'm sober and now I'm like a new car that EVERYONE wants!!  Wow - I should have written that first and I never would have had to say he's gay.  I feel a little more confident lately - like I have something to offer - to give - to help with.  This is so weird.  The cigarette smoke is still bad here but this is my attitude now - get myself the fuck out of here - right?  Get my own place where I have the right to say no smoking anywhere near me.  Besides my freaking out about it is all part of my alanon stuff.  I'm just going to keep writing, going on auditions, going to these open mikes and taking care of myself.  I'm going to turn it all over.  I also need to get more into the program - help more people -  be of more service.  I felt so relived and grateful today that I was sober.  I went on an audition and then I came home, cut my hair and colored it - got ready, went to a meeting, worked I my little hallway space before class, wrote a couple of jokes and then had class and came home.  I was SO GRATEFUL I don't have to drink after all that and I don't have to get high or hang out with people who are doing that either.  I didn't think that part - what I was really relieved about is not having to try to do things while dragging myself around all wasted.  That's why I stopped doing anything - it was too hard to drag myself around.  Gross.  So.  So who am I?  What's my type?  What do I even want to say in my writing - in my life?  Can I be a confident, bone cracking middle aged woman?  I don't know - why not?  I - I - I am so sleepy right now.  This rain - pouring all day - lord.  Poem time.

Man swinging his umbrella
He made me feel joy
But the fun kind - he was sort of shy and seemed embarrassed that he didn't know I was there
Now that I think about it
He seemed like a thief
HA - I thought I was being sneaky
And he's taking off with all the goods
Swinging his umbrella the whole time

Good night sweet Bluebie.  p.s. The dog is still alive!!

Thursday, June 6, 2013

The balls on this lady.

The owner of this store - ugh - it's so crazy.  She totally freaked out on me - okay - I'm over it I guess.  It's just she talks to me like I am a complete idiot and it's so rude - it's so fucking rude.  She just is so frazzled and then loses it.  What is really enraging is that she knew this guy was coming for the air conditioners and - okay I'm not doing this - I'm tired.  I want to go home.  I'm going to read this play right now.  Exhausted suddenly - it's getting overcast.  I took the night off from the comedy club so I can be ready to get some pictures taken tomorrow.  But it's going to rain - ugh.  Anyway - this is annoying - I hate being here trapped in this small space, not being creative and having some wacko yell at me because I didn't know I was supposed to tell the air guy something when SHE was supposed to be here.  She actually said "You weren't LISTENING to us yesterday??"  The private conversation you were having with someone else facing the other direction and NOT speaking to me?  No - I couldn't hear you and YOU weren't talking to me.  So fucking rude.  Ha and the guy left some of his ladder stuff here.  Annoying.  UGh - and then it scares me - I need this job.  Do I?  Yes - I do.  Okay - whatever - trapped.  I feel trapped.  I was to eat a gallon of Americone Dream and just lay there, get laid and lay there more, get a massage, get laid again, snuggle, potato chips, more Americone Dream, get laid ONE more time and sleeeep after a bath.  GREAT I'LL TAKE IT.  Teacher my teacher, my gorgeous, gorgeous teacher who wears undershirts.  Who wears undershirts besides old guys?  He's so fucking hot.  WHOA.  WHOAAAA.  Ha - made me smile.  GOOD FOR ME AND MY LOINS.  Bye Bluebie!!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Lately I'm my happiest when I'm home.....

cooking, grocery shopping and eating, hanging out with the dog.  I adore cooking.  I know I've said it a million times.  I get so much solace from it.  I had the worst day at work and I left a little early and came right home.  I was worried about the dog and I had left this morning without walking her and she wanted to go out.  It upset me all day.  I HAD to get to work on time because the owner was going to be there right when we opened.  Holy fuck it threw off my whole day.  Anyway - I came home, picked her up, fed her walked her and then I went and jog/walked in the park, went and got some groceries and some sunflowers and got back here and cooked.  I made BBQ tofu and fresh corn on the cob.  It was fucking amazing.  I sauteed fresh garlic and Vidalia onions in a little bit of olive oil and then fried the tofu in it and then added the BBQ sauce and let it all get crispy and BBQie.  The corn was good too - I was shocked actually - I haven't made corn on the cob in years and it was SO easy.  It took for fucking ever to find a BBQ sauce without corn syrup.  I talked to my sponsee for an hour and then did the dishes.  Put on my pj's and flossed my teeth.  Now I just need to do my little bit of yoga before bed.  The whole day I keep thinking - can I do the work?  Can I do the hard work of being an actor - a liver, a mover and a shaker?  I don't know.  I just love to be at home so much but so what?  Now I'm getting tired and confused.  I'm listening to Covert Affairs also while I write this.  My shirt reeks of cigarette smoke - I'm just going to change it - hold please.  Okaaaay - so that helped.  WOW.  I need to get more ready for bed.  Good night sweet Blueberry Blog - I love you and your faceless wonder.

Acting and Laziness.

Maybe all my big struggles and problems getting to do what I want to do are because I'm lazy.  It's so much fucking WORK to be a good - or dare I say GREAT performer.  I spent really all day Monday focusing on the OPEN MIKE I went and did.  As I walked through the park I recorded myself over and over doing my set.  I thought about it in the morning and it was all I did while I traveled downtown.  Yesterday I had acting class and I worked on my monologue for a total of 15 minutes - maybe.  Guess how that was in class?  So after I worked and my teacher finally got me someplace (my teacher who is SO FUCKING HOT AND WHO I FANTASIZE ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH THE WHOLE TIME IN CLASS (okay - seriously I had such a good fantasy going that I replayed it in my mind at least 20 times in class - whoa)) - I sat back down and then I sighed this big dramatic sigh and he was like "What?"  And I said - I'm not kidding "It's just so hard - I walk around all day trying to NOT to be that intense - holding on so tightly to myself."  WHAT??  I seriously said that bullshit!!  I JUST DIDN'T DO MY HOMEWORK - that's why I was having a hard time.  Fuck - I wasn't warmed up and I hadn't done my work.  Why?  Because I was on Facebook and looking at pictures of Carrot Top's plastic surgery.  I just didn't focus and do the work.  Now - now I don't know.  He's just so gorgeous my teacher.  Haha - I am laughing - it's so ridiculous.  The craziest part is that there is this older woman in class - oh the narcissistic cunty lady - who I honestly don't even think she realized how rude she was - at all - that lady?  He's totally hot for her!  I'm not kidding and it was SO  bizarre to me last night.  Anyway - whatever.  I don't know - I'm tired and this morning more cigarette smoke.  It's not going to stop - they literally can't not smoke and I'm not fighting it anymore.  I just have to accept and - what?  Turn it over.  I'm turning it over - that's it.  I'm so not focused yet today.  I should work on my monologue.  Okay - bye.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

A date and an audition.

I went on a date with a guy who I have been friends with for 14 years.  It was nice but kind of boring.  I don't know - he seemed sad - awww - that's not good.  The dog is still alive and today I left work for a little bit to go on an audition.  It went reasonable well considering that I had no idea what the product was.  I completely bullshitted but the lady nodded emphatically so I guess she couldn't tell.  It was fun to leave work and go do something.  The dog is still alive - still so sweet.  The sweetest little thing ever.  It's a nice day today - not too warm - sunny, breezy.  I'm tired - I watched all the rest of Dexter last night - holy fuck.  That show is so crazy.  I felt hung over today but there was also mad cigarette smoke last night and early this morning.  Here's what I decided after the building manager wasn't helpful and - well the cigarette smoke hasn't stopped.  I'm just turning it over - I mean it really makes me crazy and makes me feel like a victim and - it triggers me.  So I'm letting it go.  I am really sensitive to it so - I don't know - I just am letting it go for now.  It sucks for sure but - well - if it were meant to be different I guess it would be.  I took some action and now - now I'm letting it go - that's it.  Okay - I'm not writing about it anymore because I'm about to get crazy.  I need to do work for class.  I'm confused about my date.  It was fun but - well - I have no idea what healthy dating is supposed to be like and I already know I LIKE this guy - he's my friend but - are we a match?  I don't know.  It was good practice - that's all.  He took me to a nice restaurant and then we walked and went to Starbucks.  That's all and that was great.  I did an open mike before that and that went much better this week so THAT was good too.  This day went by so fast!  I was an hour late and then I left for and hour and a half - makes the day fly by!!!  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE!!!

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Let's blog this.

I had a long ass day today.  Do you want to know one of the most amazing parts besides the dog still being alive?  I just took a shower.  I took a quick shower late at night because I have clean sheets on my bed and I was outside for hours in the sun with tons of sunscreen on, walked and walked AND worked at the comedy club.  I needed a shower.  I NEVER would have done that even - I don't know - a year ago maybe.  I took a shower for me and my sheets - amazing.  Okay - I did more extra work today - this one was big budget so it was intense and a shit load of people and it was hot.  Very hot.  I feel I shouldn't write anymore because even though I am anonymous here I did sign a waiver saying I wouldn't speak of it, write about it, blog about - you know.  Tweet - I said I wouldn't tweet about it.  It was really fun and I made a new friend and sat with this funny little old lady.  Then I hauled my ass right to work to - well work, got my period and now I'm home.  I have clean clothes, a clean bed and now a clean me.  I felt like I ad so much more to say but I am exhausted.  I worked from 9:00 a.m. - 12:30 tonight.  AMAZING.  It was fun.  OHhhhhhHHHhhh - I don't seem as over my dream now do I?  I have to sleep.  Bye Bluebie - I love you.