What the 100% fuck is going on?

Who am I?  Who is this guy?  He calls when he says he's going to - he shows up on time - I'm so fucking confused.  He called me tonight when I was doing laundry and we had this deep conversation - UGH - if I was listening to me talk at the Laundromat I would have wanted to SHOOT me.  I hate when people have private conversations in public.  But there really wasn't anyone there and - ugh - when else am I going to talk to him?  Do you know how much I have grown?  I'm so tired and busy that I don't even have time to listen to my stupid jealousy issues - I mean I just can't!  I don't have time to follow hi around or text him all the time or BLAH BLAH - who cares?  If he's doing something else - then do it!!  What do I fucking care - if I can't trust him then I certainly can't control him.  The thing is that this is scary.  He's so sweet and nice and he lives far enough away that I still have time to take care of myself and not drive this into the ground.  The only thing I don't understand and that I never understand are my acting and comedy.  What am I doing?  Now this week I have no shows but also I just had to do 4 loads of laundry and that shit was not easy and now I'm so tired I'm in bed without my sheets because I'm too tired to make the bed and so freaked out.  I'm a little freaked out and a lot uncomfortable.  A LOT.  Quite mother fucking uncomfortable.  Resentful?  Maybe.  I have to think about that - why would I be?  Am I not taking care of myself?  I went to a meeting tonight so I am getting more on schedule again.  With meetings.  Dear Lord I'm going to bed.  Ugh I forgot to call my sponsor for the 3rd fucking day in a row.  I need to GET IT TOGETHER!!!  Whoa - back off myself hello.  Love you Bluebers.

Grumpiness.

I'm at the boutique and it's overcast today and I am so grumpy it's amazing.  I am - okay - look - I haven't gone to as many meetings because I keep spending time with the guy and I had no time to begin with because I have these 2 jobs.  Whatever but now - I am grumpy.  But also - UGH - why is it so hard for me to take care of myself?  It's so crazy.  Oh dear lord and do you know - I felt like I had so much to say - such an eloquent way of saying why I am indeed and should be grumpy but that's not happening.  Okay a customer came in and bought some things - that's was a good distraction and I ate a delicious and not so healthy but not SO unhealthy breakfast.  What does that even mean?  Okay - so how in the world am I supposed to take care of myself, date someone and do my acting and comedy?  What the fuck that is so much.  Also the man who books me for some shows hasn't booked me now for the 3 weeks - 2 weeks?  3 weeks - I don't know but why isn't he booking me?  The craziest part is that I am so exhausted, I've been able to do other shows and I really need time to take care of myself this week and so it is for the best but it's still annoying.  Okay?  Yeah.  Now on to my guy picking me up from the train station on Saturday night and he had on these gigantic white sneakers that I have never seen before and I was like "Oh wow - I don't know if this is going to work out - maybe I have made a huge mistake."  WHAT EVEN IS THAT????  We went to the movies and it was fun but he HAD ONT THOSE SNEAKERS and I really was like "Well maybe I don't have to walk with him?"  THAT IS SO AWFUL I AM SUCH A DICKWEED.  Okay - HOWEVER - he always makes fun of me for wearing so many clothes so why can't I make fun of his HORRIBLE sneakers??  Why do I care?  Who am I?  Why am I dating this guy?  Is this crazy - what the fuck am I doing with my life and HOW MUCH LONGER MUCH I WAITRESS BRUNCH?  I am seriously so fucking over it.  I can't be a waitress anymore anywhere - I just can not.  Love you Bluebie bye.

So tired.

More work, seeing the guy, worked more brunch, meeting, rehearsal - going to sleep.  So f-ing tired.  So happy I'm not drunk.  Bye.

Push.

I realized after I pushed myself yesterday to get vitamins before therapy - then pushed myself to go to a meeting after therapy - that I can push myself and that this can actually be a good thing.  I think I always thought if I was pushing it was wrong somehow.  You know - maybe in acting that's true but in life - I need to push myself.  That being said I am awake early - it's 6:35 a. fucking m. on a Saturday to go waitress brunch.  But that's ok.  I'm going to push myself so I can be there on time, work and then go see my guy.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Am I boring?

Maybe I am going to have to change the name of this blog to Boring Blueberries and Dreams.  Haha - I don't know - who cares.  Maybe me being more sober and less hormonally and emotionally imbalanced is a little boring but SO WHAT.  I woke up so grumpy today after working all day yesterday, going to a dance class, walking to a book signing, then getting to a late show and performing at 11:30 at night.  Holy fuck!!  It was so fun!  I almost died in the dance class.  You know I forgot what I was just going to write.  Oh yeah so last night the audience was so warm - so wonderful and it was SO hard to take!!  Lord I have to work on being able to be vulnerable and receive love.  There was someone famous there too and I went up first so that was hard but I think I did an okay job.  No no - I did well - I just you know - was a little nervous?  Maybe I was just where I am - how about that?  I had a BLAST and I made people laugh so whatever.  I am so tired and fried.  Do you want to know my lesson for the day?  So I woke up late, got ready slowly and when I went to get into the shower - no hot water.  I call the smoking super who tells me to wait 20-30 minutes for hot water.  I  thought he was waiting for oil - because a the gay bed and breakfast whenever there was no hot water it was because he needed oil.  Okay so I thought all the times I have called the super and told him I needed hot water and he told me to wait 20-30 minutes that he was getting oil or waiting for oil to  come.  OKAY??  So I was PISSED this morning there was no hot water and I thought it was his stupid smoking super's fault until my friend told me that the boiler needs 20-30 minutes to reheat the water.  Then she told me that everyone else used the hot water because they got in THE SHOWER SOONER.  So I thought I was a victim and I was but OF MYSELF.  I mean when I called the super and I asked how he was (before I asked about the hot water - I am very polite) he said "Good just working, working."  And I was like "YOU ARE JUST (only in my head) DOWN THERE SMOKING!!!! I CAN SMELL IT - WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING ON THE WATER PROBLEM???"  Good lord and I just needed to get in the shower sooner and everything would have been fine.  Maybe - who knows but I wouldn't have learned that victim lesson.  Or not victim lesson I should say.  MAYBE IM NOT BORING AFTER ALL!!!  What?  Bye.

So tired.

Yesterday I worked, had a big meeting, went to class and then ran and did a show.  So fun!  I spent all day at work on the phone with program people and that was good - also I spent a lot of time talking to the guy.  He is really - wow.  I like him - still nervous and - well - that's okay.  I am so tired right now though and there was cigarette smoke all night but you know what?  It's okay - I feel so grateful.  I came home and I washed my dishes, ate some food and washed a shirt for today.  I didn't get tons of sleep but I got enough sleep.  The show was great and class was really fun - I have a lot of work I have to do for my scene and well - okay - so there's that.  I need to pray and meditate.  It's bright and early so good morning sweet Bluebers!!

Long weekend!

Still working everyday - worked both brunches and went to his house on Saturday and he cooked me dinner and it was delicious and so sweet and wonderful.  It was nice and quiet and fun.  I loved it.  He's quiet but he talks.  I have always loved quiet men.  Then he woke up at 6 with me and drove me to work.  I worked that fucking brunch and then I went to a meeting, went to an sober function and came home.  I managed to get 8 hours of sleep but I'm tired - but who cares.  I'm okay.  I just have one more week of working like this and then I can go back to working 6 days a week instead of 7.  Ha - awesome.  Okay - I just wok up and I missed you - I need to pray & meditate - love you Bluebie bye.

What the fuck am I DOING???

It's the first day of Spring and it feels quite Springy actually and that's so wonderful.  I went home last night after a meeting and took care of myself - ate a healthy meal, went to sleep early - did my yoga and nighttime routine - got a good night's sleep.  I'm just confused or something.  Tired?  Is it crazy that I am totally into this guy?  Man?  He's a man.  Ugh - I don't know.  I'm suddenly fried after this day at work here at the store.  My scene partner came and rehearsed with me - Shakespeare - we are working on Shakespeare and it's SO FUN.  She is so not a turd at all.  She is WONDERFUL.  I'm just tired and that is fine.  Tired and filled with fear and now I have a boyfriend who is married and that is confusing.  HA!  Or not confusing - just I don't know if I'm okay totally with it.  It's okay - or not - who knows.  I just need to take care of myself - go home and do my homework for class.  Love you sweet Bluebie bye.

So tired.

I had a great class tonight - went and got some groceries and now I'm home and in pajamas and I'm about to go to sleep.  I just need one good night of sleep.  I have been working everyday since the third week of February.  Every single day.  How AWESOME is that??  I mean that I can do it - take care of myself.  What?  I have no idea why I am writing this - I'm just grateful to be sober and grateful to be able to buy olives stuffed with garlic and hummus.  Zzzzzzzz.

Uhhhmmmm

I'm so tired.  I had him over - he liked my stew and he answered all my questions - kindly and honestly and said I could ask him anything anytime and that he likes that I ask him questions.  Now I feel crazy.  Haha - okay - that's why it's good for me to write because then I see how ridiculous I am being and you know I'm not going to STOP being ridiculous but I can at least have a sense of humor about it.  I'm just so so so tired.  I need a good night's sleep - just one.  I just can't stop kissing him it's crazy and he's sooooo sweet and funny.  This morning I got to the store and the super from the owner's apartment building cam ein to fix a leak and I swear he was hitting on me the whole time.  But he has like a fake tan and - a lot of cologne and - I mean he's cute but - what the fuck - he was here for HOURS and it was really fucking annoying.  He was so nice but - I just - I need to get some sleep.  I have shit to do for class and I have things I need to take care of here at the store and I just want to obsess over him and - I have no idea.  I love you Bluebie - bye.

Busy weekend.

Worked both long ass brunches and I got to perform on 2 shows and I hosted one show!!!  How amazing is that?  I'm having him over tonight and I am so terrified but well - whatever.  I made stew.  What is life if we don't take chances and invite men we like over to our mediocre apartments?  I love my apartment - but - well - ha - it looks like a guy lives there.  Oh - does it?  I don't know - kind of.  A neat guy who has a flowered comforter?  Seriously- I am so tired but I am okay.  It is quiet here today at the store so that's good.  I think I'm pretty over-stimulated but - well - WHATEVER!  What if he hates me after he sees my apartment?  What if he's like "YOUR STEW SUCKS AND YOUR COMFORTER HAS A RIP IN IT AND I HATE HOW IT SMELLS LIKE VITAMINS IN HERE!!"  OR - what if he never says anything and just never calls again - just leaves awkwardly and quietly.  Oh my God - oh MY GOD.  I want you to know my sweetest blog that these are very real and perhaps not rational thoughts that I am having but nonetheless - I am having them.  Oh boy - well - I guess I will have something to write about on here if that's the case.  There is also a huge part of me that can't wait to have him over - he's really good company.  I need to do something here that is likened to working since I am work (I'm probably just going to paint my nails and go into denial about how fucking inappropriate that is).  Love you Bluebie bye!!!

Flustered.

I went to see him again last night - slept over - he drove me back into the city this morning to work.  He's so sweet and brave - do you know he's a really brave person?  Does that sound ridiculous?  And now I am at work all flustered and confused and all I want to do is moon over him and lay down.  Haha - I have on the same clothes as yesterday and if this were my drinking days I would be a MESS and all upset.  But I am totally fine - I took a shower he made me tea this morning but I am sleepy is all.  Oh LORD - I forgot I was even writing this!!!  Well - I just have work I need to do for class and a show tomorrow night.  So tender and scary.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Dream.

I had a dream where I was in some sort of classroom or class - but not in a classroom - more like a studio.  I dreamed I was quoting Carl Jung from his book Memories, Dreams and Reflections - and I quoted it and then asked if anyone knew what I was talking about and even though people were standing around talking and I thought not paying attention to me - everyone raised their hands and turned to me and started talking about how they all read that book and every book by Jung and how they knew everything about him.  I was like "okaaaay - jeez."  Haha - anyway - what's up with my subconscious anyway?  I stayed home last night and took care of myself - cleaned, did my hair and my nails - clean sheets and went to bed early.  It's so - crazy dating this man - it's so dramatic - it's so intense.  I love it.  I just texted him at 3:08 and I NEVER  heard back from him and now I am convinced we will never speak again.  HA!!!  How ridiculous is that?  I am so GRATEFUL I am an actor or I would just be a completely batshit fucking crazy nutbird and I would have no idea why.  At least I know why I am so dramatic and - oh I forgot about being an alcoholic - that adds a for real level of drama also.   It's cold out again today and I want to lay down - I'm not so tired - just sleepy and I want - what?  I have no idea - to take a nap.  I can't even believe how many days in a row I have worked!  So crazy!  Crazy but awesome - and thank God.  Wow - maybe I will really never see him ever again!!!  Oh my God.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Anger.

I have so much anger.  Which is supposed to be part of what I am getting rid of as an alcoholic.  IS that true?  I mean - okay - resentment will eventually take me out is what I hear in the rooms.  What confuses me always is that my therapist says it's great to get angry.  That people are awful and it's great to get angry with them.  I'm sure I have written about this before.  The only thing I can say is that I get really angry but now I just don't throw it at the person I'm angry with and as I write this I'm trying to not get upset with myself for GETTING angry.  Okay - fine.  I'm starving.  I'm hungry and I can't think straight anymore.  I had such an intense discussion with the guy yesterday - whoa and ugh.  Well - haha - you know what?  It's beautiful out today - I'm going to enjoy it and do my best in class tonight - even though I feel it might be a disaster.  I told my teacher I'm not learning anymore with this scene and I am frustrated again with this scene partner and - well - he didn't like it.  Jeez.  He didn't like it at all.  Well - so - yeah - that sucked also.  OH DRAMA!! The DRAMA of DRAMA!!!  Love you Bluebie bye.

Signs.

I see signs - right?  I mean - you know before I got sober I saw forks everywhere - like a fork in the road fork - cracks on the ground - limbs of a tree - everywhere I kept seeing "a fork in the road" so to speak - it would just pop out at me - shadows - okay you get the fucking point.  Anyway so now I keep seeing LOOK everywhere - it keeps popping out at me to LOOK.  What the fuck am I supposed to be looking at?  Today I saw LOOK and I also saw signs pointing to the left.  This makes me sound completely insane right?  But I don't care - I need to LOOK and I guess the LEFT.  Okay - anyway - I just got completely distracted with a bacon cheddar burger and im'ing with my friend who works here.  I need some caffeine.  Holy crap it's March!  I need to put this scarf that just came in into the computer.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Hi.

I'm so tired - still working - still liking this guy - so much.  He wanted to see me again right away - tonight, last night, tomorrow night - awww and haa but I can't.  I have to take care of myself and - ugh - take care of myself.  What's harder than that?  All I want to do is talk to him and hang out with him - and if I just do that and lose myself - I will be so angry.  You know - more than angry - I will just be upset.  I want better for me and I wouldn't want him to do that with me.  So I just have to trust that me taking care of myself will make everything even better - that's all there is to it.  That's so tricky right?  I suppose this is where strength comes in.  I'm so amazed at him.  He's just such a great egg - and funny and fun and NICE.  JESUS CHRIST WHO AM I????  Hahahaaaahaha - whoa.  I need to go to sleep.  Oh I hate that little turd from my class again - I had the worst class on Friday night - maybe the worst in a year and a half.  So fucking annoying.  I have to figure this shit out - or at least I want to.  What?  I just got so tired.  I love you my sweet Blueberry Blog - I hope I haven't been ignoring you.

Whoa.

I got 3 hours of sleep last night.  This schedule of mine has been so crazy lately.  I am amazed at my ability to wake up in the morning and get places - it's totally mind blowing to me.  I was able to go and get my taxes done this morning before work and get to work early so I could do some alanon work.  I went to see where he lives last night and then I got so turned on by the tour of his apartment I slept over.  What?  Who does that?  It's a nice, clean apartment but it's not mind blowing or anything - it just really turned me on for some reason.  So there you go - and then he drove me back into the city so I could get my taxes done.  Now I am here at work all I my head.  It's okay - it seems like it will be a quiet day today so I can work on my stuff for class tonight and get my head on straight.  Dear lord I am so out of it - I just sat here for 5 minutes staring out the window smiling and worrying.  HA!  Love you Bluebie bye.

HI

Note to self - when I "feel" something going on with another person - don't try to figure it out, then figure out how to fix it and then talk to them about it.  HA - what?  So fucking alanonic.  Anyway - I have been busy the last couple of days, meetings, rehearsal with The Royal Douche from class (and it was a great rehearsal actually- finally able to focus on the WORK and not his doucheness - that's not nice but true and my own issues blah, blah, blah) a dance class, a show an audition and working.  SO WONDERFUL!!  It's still freezing and I'm tired but I feel so grateful to be so busy.  Okay so I want to focus on recovery today.  Oh and steaming new clothes that came in.  Okay - well - I'm going to where he lives tonight to see the guy.  But I have to get my taxes done early in the a.m. so no hanky panky.  Who says that??  LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.

I don't know.

That's all I know about this guy right now - I mean I like him so much but I don't know.  He's so sweet - so caring and kind but this morning I was so thrown off myself after making out with him for 2 hours last night.  I mean it's so intense.  Who the fuck am I?  I don't know - I am getting my feet back on the ground and I need to do it from a loving place for myself.  Am I making sense?  It would just be so easy to lose myself in him and I just can't.  It will ruin it and - and I will be angry.  Also - I have worked SO hard - why let it all go now and for what?  I think it's my intimacy issues.  It's easier to lose myself in someone rather than to grow and keep getting to know him.  I am sooooo attracted to him and I can TALK to him.  When has that ever happened?  Okay - also I have pms so let's just let this go for right now.  I have to steam some dresses and - I don't know - write in my journal.  Haha and hopefully something else that might be of service to someone other than myself.  Love you Bluebie and your amazing listening powers.

Also I dreamed....

we were on my parents farm - near the back of one field that is lined with woods - one of my nephews went into a area that turned out to be a lake of some sort - quick sandish.  So he fell in and was having a hard time swimming and then he turned into one of my sisters.  So I wanted to help and I started to move carefully towards her - she was making her way to the side - with difficulty but I didn't want to fall in so I slowly sideways moved along foot by foot so as to make sure there was land underneath me.  She almost got to the side as I got there and I gave her my arm and pulled her out.  She was all wet and kind of flustered but she was like - okay - yeah.  This was the drinking night dream - so the night before last night.  Seriously - I wonder why I dream so much?  All night long these dreams.  I NEED TO GO TO WORK.

Strange dreams.

The night before last night I had a drinking dream - 2 of them because I woke up after 1 of them.  Whatever - I won't go into detail.  Last night I dreamed my acting teacher took all of us to this Summer place - we were going to stay there and work for the Summer.  He pulls the car up to the most brilliantly colorful lakeside - I can't say resort because it seemed remote.  But not remote in a scary way - it was just unbelievable beautiful.  The trees, the water, the sky - everything was bursting with color and I was so excited he brought us there.  Then something happened and he said we had to leave - we weren't going to be able to stay there.  I thought it was going to finally happen with us!  Anyway - what the fuck is my point?  I can't remember ever having such a colorful dream before - I mean I was blown away.  Well - then I woke up thinking about this guy - but I smiled.  Ha - whoa.  Now I need to get ready and got o work a the store.  This will be my 3 week of working 7 days a week.  I'm getting my taxes done this week and I am not looking forward to that.  But it will be what it will be and I will do whatever I need to do.  I watched the Oscar's last night and I cried.  I realized after it was over that I don't feel any differently than I did 18 years ago when I was watching them in college.  I lived in this big house with a bunch of other kids but I had my own room.  I was in there watching the Oscar's by myself and crying.  I just loved it so much, show business, acting - and I still do - I still love all that shit so much - I can't help it.  I don't even want to help it!!  On a completely separate note - I have realized this past weekend how my resentments and anger don't serve me.  Oh boy - I mean I can feel in my body how it doesn't serve me - how wasteful of my energy it is - how stopping of love it is.  I want to say how it is covering up of fear - which I know intellectually is true but I can't feel that in my body yet.  Maybe now that I wrote it down.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Rice pasta.

I love rice pasta - it cooks super fast and it's not made from wheat so my system handles it better.  Just now I got home from work and I made rice pasta with asparagus, super greens, organic garlic and olive oil.  What?  It was fucking delicious - oh and sea salt.  I worked that brunch today and did I write last week about the man who wrote the nasty comment card about me?  Gave me (HA!) a 5 out of 10 stars (um - he made up the rating system - we don't have one) and left an 8% tip.  He was also really mean to me when I waited on him and I was nice back - I really was.  I threw out his comment card and I was so hurt by it and upset that I had to go for a walk outside to calm down and pray.  I know it sounds ridiculous but he was awful.  SO GUESS WHO ONE OF THE FIRST CUSTOMERS WAS TODAY??  8:45 - he sits in my section and looks at me like he's never seen me before.  He had a slightly less psychotic look in his eye so I didn't recognize him at first but then he ordered the same tea, toast - pancakes and eggs.  Unreal.  I must have had my mouth hanging open looking at him - and I was FURIOUS.  When I tell you I wanted to take a shit in his butter - I am not even fucking kidding you.  The amount of self control I had to use in order to not do something to his tea or food was HUGE.  Especially because the other waiter was like "DO IT!!!"  I mean - why did he come back?  I finally asked the other guy to drop off his check and this time he left a decent tip and he walked away looking so - sick and suffering.  WHICH UPSET ME EVEN MORE.  That's who that man is - isn't that the saddest thing in the world?  He is someone who goes in someplace - says he hates it - is really mean and awful - and then goes back 3 days later and wonders why he has diarrhea for a month.  But the real lesson I learned?  Walk away.  I did not feel better until I stopped helping him in anyway and I will never wait on that man again - ever.  I don't deserve to be treated that way and more than that I never have to help anyone ever again who does treat me that way.  I mean tonight someone's phone on the train was driving me bonkers so I got up and moved.  After I stared at them 10 times - but still - I finally got up and moved and I felt better.  My instincts were to fight with this man or do something really nasty to him - but the most kind thing I could do was just stop interacting with him.  And I mean kind for myself.  Okay - well - I'm going to take a bath.  I deserve a bath right?  When am I going to stop being a waitress?  I'm sick of being a victim of people and their eggs.  OH BOY - LOVE YOU BLUEBIE BYE.