Monday, August 27, 2018

This is what I did today....

1. Woke up at 7:45 am - prayed and meditated
2. Did some yoga and then stretched on my ballet bar
3. Talked to the guy
4. Ate a yummy breakfast - 2 eggs, sweet potato home fries and some kale salad with home made tahini dressing
5. Talked To Larni at length about how I do not want to do comedy anymore and what maybe I could do
6. Took a nap
7.  This

I AM EXHAUSTED.  I also called the doctor and called to make my health insurance was okay.  Oh I spoke to another alcoholic although it was a stilted and strange conversation.  She always calls me and never has anything to say - 100% confusing.  Anyway now Im going to drink some coffee and try to wake up and get some groceries and make some soup.  It's hot out again maybe that's why Im so tired?  Maybe Im allergic to working - whatever it is.  YEAH IM SURE THATS IT.  Byeeee.

Sunday, August 26, 2018

I Met A Prostitute

A sex worker?  A hooker?  I don't know - she fucks some old guy once a week and then he give her a lot of money - but also she's into it so it's okay?  I don't ever care - the best part is SHE GETS TO LIVE ALONE.  That's not even the point - I have no idea what happened - all I know is I met this woman and now I want to quit comedy.  I MET A PROSTITUE AND NOW I WANT TO QUIT COMEDY.  I can't even fucking handle it.  That's how hard being a comedian is - she became a fucking hooker - sex worker - got herself a sugar daddy - I don't know.  I really liked her too - and she seems fine - she was really funny and gorgeous.  I just - I don't know.  I'm not sure what happened - I just do not want to do standup anymore.  Did I ever really want to do it?  I love it - I love the art form but I can not fucking stand the lifestyle.  It is so dark and unhealthy.  Do I really mean this?  I honestly don't know - I just know I got cancer and this past week I was so busy and stressed that it felt like it was making me sick again and I can't do it.  Then I meet this gorgeous chick who has to be a fucking hooker so she can have a decent place to live and not kill herself doing comedy.  Is this even what I am upset about?  I don't know I am still detoxing from that medicine - I am so fucking confused.  Or am I?  I can't be out every night doing standup - I just can't.  So then what the fuck am I doing?  I want to act right?  OR DO I??  MAYBE I WANT TO JUST BE HEALTHY AND LIVE OUT HERE AND WORK AT SAKS.  I do not fucking want to work at Saks.  I want to act and be funny and creative.  Holy fucking shit I need to calm down.  We went to the beach today and I didn't wear sunscreen because I am afraid of the chemicals now and I got a sunburn - which can not be any better for me.  I have no idea - I just want to be healthy and happy.  I am thinking I am too fucking old to be running around doing comedy - I think I am fucking over it.  Maybe I will see how I feel in the morning.  The guy keeps telling me to just do it a little bit - but in my mind if I'm not great then why do it?  Maybe it's none of that.  Maybe there is something else for me - something healthier - that's all.  Something healthier.  UGH.  Bye.

Thursday, August 23, 2018

Pink Eye - The Musical

I woke up yesterday with a completely pink eye and I could NOT handle the sunlight - just so painful.  I finally got to an ophthalmologist who would take my health insurance and drove myself there like a lunatic and it turns out - I HAD WORN MY CONTACTS TOO LONG.  So I gave myself irritated inflamed eyes.  Sexy shit right?  I was so fucking embarrassed.  Thank God I don't have pink eye but what the fuck?  I missed 2 auditions and a show.  I have to wear my glasses till Friday.  Okay anyway whatever.  I am so fucking tired - I can't sleep at night and I have no fucking idea why.  I had 3 auditions today and 2 other ones this week - I am so fucking overwhelmed.  I don't know - I went from doing nothing to being so super busy.  AM I COMPLAINING??  No - no I am so so grateful and today the auditions were fun - I loved it.  I just don't know how to manage everything.  I will get better at it.  I guess it's the best problem to have.  I have to go I have so much work to do.  I only have class tomorrow and twice next week and then I will have some time freed up.  It has been such a wonderful gift being back and it's already helped me.  OKAY byeeeeeee.

Sunday, August 19, 2018

Writing Real Quick

It's Sunday and I am here in my office while the guy runs to the store real quick.  I had a nice day....did some yoga and stretching, then jogged a bit on the treadmill.  Grocery shopped at Whole Foods and Shoprite and then came home and cooked.  I love cooking on Sundays.  I made some sweet potato chunks in the over with onion and fresh rosemary, baked regular potatoes, chicken with organic garlic and organic chipotle, a spinach salad with pepitas, roasted almonds, red onion and a homemade tahini dressing.  I tried to make the sweet potatoes like the ones I ate at Organic Kitchen in the East Village.  They came out really good but I think I used to much olive oil.  They were a bit drier at Organic Kitchen.  Then we had dinner and went to alanon.  Is that fucking exciting or what?  Ha - it felt good and healthy.  I have an audition tomorrow and I am super tired but I think after a good night's sleep it will be okay.  Have you ever had a Lilly bar??  I am eating one right now.  They are chocolate bars sweetened with Stevia and they are amazing.  Not too sweet - so so good.  In fact this one is kind stale but it's still amazing!  No weird after taste - just GOOD.  I had diarrhea all morning - holy mother of God it was awful.  No clue why. The perjeta still maybe?  It's so scary - makes me so nervous I am sick still.  I just am not sure.  Or am I?  I don't know.  I don't feel as tired and awful as I did before I found out about the cancer but I am still so tired.  I also drink gallons less coffee.  Well anyway I just keep trying to take care of myself - inside and out.  Be kind to my mind....rest, exercise, eat well - write in my journal - be honest, be kind to others but not be a doormat.  Grow.  I am trying to let myself grow and HEAL.  Have balance.  Self-esteem.  Personal power.  Yeah so anyway that is how I am moving forward and - and I don't know what.....living I guess.  It might be a little boring but it's also profound and amazing.  I have shows and auditions and stuff to keep my life exciting - my home life and everything in between can be this.  And that's fucking fabulous.  Byeeeee - eat a Lilly bar!

Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Poison Mind.

My mind is so poisonness right now!  Omg how do you spell that?  Poison is spelled poison but poisoness is not spelled that way and spellcheck doesn't know it.  WHAT THE FUCK???  Found it.  Poisonous.  BOOM.  Greaaaat.  Well so anyway I stopped taking the medication and since it took a couple of weeks to build up and start to make me crazy I guess it will take a couple of weeks to stop.  I am so negative in my head and jealous and just a basic dark, ungrateful outlook.  It feels terrible in my body - so toxic.  I can not have gone through this whole year of treatment to not appreciate being alive!  I have so much to be grateful for!  I did pray and meditate today and I got a good night's sleep.....I managed to do the work I needed to do for my show tonight and I have the kids this afternoon which I am looking forward to.  I went to my class yesterday and it was just so amazing.  He is fucking 96 years old and his mind is sharp and he is still an EXCELLENT teacher.  I almost started crying when he came in the room.  They lost the studio somehow so he is teaching in his apartment and it's like a museum in there!  All these pictures of him and his wife with all these famous people - candid photos too so they are so special.  It's one of those HUMOGOUS old NYC apartments - huge - like a house but an apartment.  Old AS FUCK but so fantastic.  There's a laundry room!  Fucking nuts.  So it was great and I learned a ton and was filled up with love and inspiration.  I had chemo yesterday morning which was fine - they had to put it in my hand and the first vein didn't work so they had to stick me twice.  I'm so glad still though that I don't have that port.  Go ahead and stick me - fuck that shit.  So anyway I was hoping if I wrote on here I could get some of the poison out of my mind.  I feel a little bit better and I am sure after I hang out with the kids and stop thinking about myself I will also feel better.  Love you Bluebie bye.

Monday, August 13, 2018

Whoa Nelly

That's what people used to say to their horses or at least in movies anyway.  I haven't been around very many people talking to horses so I don't ACTUALLY know but I THINK that's what people used to say to horses to get them to stop.  I am trying to get my mind to stop - actually I think it has a bit.....I will explain and boy is this going to be riveting.....you know what?  Maybe it will be - what the fuck do I know??  I am taking this medicine and each day I get a little bit crazier and it takes a little bit longer to get myself out of it - right?  Well so I just - this is the conclusion I have come to after doing step-work with my sponsor.  I got upset this weekend after my friend asked me to do something I didn't actually have the time to do and I started to get SO RESENTFUL and angry - so I did some step work around it and other people who effect me in a similar way.  Look this is probably boring and not that interesting but to me this is my life and for some reason it makes me feel better to write about it on a secret blog.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHY - but it does - SO.  So here's what happened today after I met with my wonderful sponsor........the conclusion I came to........is.........

I USED TO PICK UNAVAILABLE MEN - till I fucking said THAT'S IT and stopped doing it - drew a mother fucking LINE IN THE SAND to that shit.

NOW I PICK UNAVAILABLE CREATIVE PARTNERS......who aren't always unavailable but for the most part are not available - unless they are available - which isn't that NOT AVAILABLE???

I ALSO DO THIS WITH FRIENDS.

So anyway whatever I'm at some sort of bottom with this shit and I have a part in it and blah blah blah the medicine makes all of this way more magnified so it's hard to sift through and get on the other side of BUT - but I can I think and honestly until I fucking realize what I'm doing - how the fuck am I supposed to stop doing it?  AYE THERE'S THE RUB.  So whatever there you go.  I finally felt better after talking to my sponsor for almost 2 hours so that's good and I am so grateful she has the time! 

Holy shit - emotions and the mind are so fucking tricky when you're an alcoholic.  Fuuuuuuck.  I don't know - I don't really know what to do - I am going to stop taking the medicine - I can't have my life be like this - I don't have 6 hours in each day to unwind myself from wanting to kill everyone and I want to be happy.  This year of treatment has been so hard - I deserve to be happy.  So what else?  I just have to stop with these people.  I just need to let go.  I stopped with the guys and I can stop with these people too.  Also I love these people - I probably need to stop before I am throwing the baby out with the bathwater.  I have to go I am so sleepy.  It's raining which is so cozy and I am on the bed - my favorite place to be in the afternoon.  When I have the time I just love to get on this bed with the pillows propped up and I can see whatever is going outside of the windows...today it is rain and it is very comforting.  I find so much solace sitting on a made bed.  Go figure.  Love you Bluebie byeeee.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

The power of positive thinking must work but I can't do it...

I mean I CAN but it's REALLY really hard to do it.  Not only that but OH MY GOD I AM NOT GOING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.  Good Lord - okay.  OKAY.  Here's the deal - I am taking this medication and it is making me sometimes sad and other times - I don't know what - hormonal I guess is how I can best describe it.  It wanes thank God and it's not physically painful they way pms was so that's good.  Plus now I have all these tools to help myself and ways to talk to myself.  So that's such a blessing.  People are frustrating and hurtful and I am allowed to have my feelings - for sure but I am not a victim and I have choices.  Not only do I have choices but I can do whatever the fuck I want.  I think what is happening is similar to what happened with men for me.  I just got to a place with men where I just didn't care anymore - I was like THAT'S IT I GIVE UP and I would rather be alone than be in these awful relationships.  Now I have these different people in my life who are so upsetting and I just will not have it anymore.  Although I don't totally believe myself.  Mostly because I am upset still and no major decision has ever come from an upset place for me.  So. So anyway.  So what's positive?  What is a positive way to think right now?  I'm thinking, I'm thinking.....what's fun?  I went to dance class again this week - YES.  I cancelled my physical therapy with that woman who I felt creeped out by.  It didn't help anyway but it felt really good to cancel and take care of myself.  Fuck that.  I don't know it's so hard to be positive when I am so upset by so many people.  Just for today - I just need to be positive just for today right?  I am having a good day!  For sure.  I went to my ladies meeting and ate with everyone and ran my errands.  I got a bunch of stuff done and I am going to make dinner.  I made a yummy breakfast lasagna last night for dinner and it was yuuuuuum.  Lots of herbs and spices - so good - everything was organic.  Well mostly.  I love my guy - I love him so much!!!  I am going back to my acting class this week and I am so so excited.  So okay I am going to do my step-work I need to do and just move forward.  I think I just got sleepy - love you Bluebie byeeeeeee.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Boob Antennae

Is that how you spell antennae?  I guess so!  The spell check thing doesn't work when you just write the title on here for some reason.  Anyway my boob is like an antennae now - whatever is happening negatively - I can feel it in my boob.  It's too much - I don't want a boob antennae.  Ugh my poor boob - they are so jacked up.  My left one is so scarred and just is swollen and red with lymphedema all the time.  The physical therapy has helped a little and I am grateful for it but it's now about 3 times bigger than my other breast.  The right one is much smaller than it used to be before the surgery and there is a dent and a red scar that just hasn't changed for some reason.  I thought it would fade but it hasn't.  Well anyway most of the time I don't care but now I have all these scars and my body is wounded.  My arm has scars from the chemo.....the physical therapist (she's a new one) asked me what it was from.  She said "What happened there?"  I also - I don't know I kind of felt molested by her but also her job is to manipulate my breast so it was confusing.  I have no idea why I am writing all of this.  I guess it's because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I am just so fucking over it.  I just don't even know but guess what?  I have health insurance.  So there's that.  Also I am allowed to have feelings about all of this - it fucking sucks and for the most part I have had a great attitude and I've soldiered through.  My life will never be the same and I guess I should just accept it.  It's 11:55 pm and for some reason I am awake right now.  I just watched America's Got Talent - it makes me cry so hard.  I don't know.....I'm working hard - with the kids - working for my family, doing lots of shows and next week I am going back to my acting class.  I grocery shopped today and cooked tonight and did the dishes.  I'm here - I don't know.  I have to be more careful now - about my energy and what I take in.  It's all changed now and it was all changing anyway.  I don't know - I feel sad and I am crying.  Sometimes I want life to be less painful - don't we all?  But then I get to feel so many other wonderful things.  Honestly I am probably just hormonal and I haven't had sugar in 7 days.  I just have to take care of myself and that feels lonely for some reason.  Anyway hopefully I will get tired in a few minutes and can go to bed.  Thanks for reading - love you Bluebie bye.

Saturday, August 4, 2018

Nice To Myself.

Life has so many challenges right?  A few of mine right now.....staying alive that's one...what else....being authentic as an artist and a human being - that's another one.....being nice to myself - there we go - the hardest challenge of all.  I just am so hard wired to be mean to myself.  Or I was anyway.  I don't know - it's so crazy - the other day I was embarrassed because I was dorky in front of some guy who is cute right?  Seriously who cares even if he did know?  But I had to talk myself off the ledge you know and I did - I talked myself off the ledge and told myself I'm human and can be attracted to someone - I didn't do anything wrong and IN FACT it's thrilling that I find someone hot!  My juices (gross) are still flowing.  But mostly I just told myself it's fine I'm human it's okay.  THEN I FELT BETTER AND MY MIND WAS BLOWN BECAUSE I WAS SO NICE TO MYSELF.  That's how negative it is in my head.  Or was anyway.  Then - then came this part ready?  ARE YOU READY FOR THIS??

So yesterday I called my sponsor because that's what I am supposed to do as an alcoholic - stay connected to other people in the program, one of the people being my sponsor.  I can't see my alcoholism but she can.  Okay.  So I called her and we get to talking about my negative thinking and how I have to be vigilant about keeping it at bay.  So she asks me and she said she didn't need an answer and I didn't give her one but she asks me but says first.."You always seem so kind to everyone and I would like to know if you really mean it because if you aren't truly being kind to yourself you don't have anything to give away....you don't have it in you to actually be kind and that is not...."  I don't remember what else she said because my mind once again WAS BLOWN.  I mean why the fuck am I spending all my time being nice to everyone but NOT ME FIRST???  Also the answer to start with is that I am not so nice to everyone but also I don't know what I am trying to say.  I am patient I think with people - that is something I do but anyway that's not the point.  The point is that I can't give away what I don't have.  Wow.  Just fucking wow.  I don't know - something just shifted in my brain and also freed up.  Something inside me was freed.  That stupid sense of responsibility I have towards other people and their feelings was lessened.  Ugh how fucking great is that.  Just a little bit less.  Just a shift, just a thought change.  I hope I remember it. 

I am still taking that pill every night - the tomaxifen - I can't remember how to spell it but I am taking it.  I am going to keep taking it and looking into naturopathic oncologist in the meantime.  Okay love you Bluebie bye.