Boob Antennae

Is that how you spell antennae?  I guess so!  The spell check thing doesn't work when you just write the title on here for some reason.  Anyway my boob is like an antennae now - whatever is happening negatively - I can feel it in my boob.  It's too much - I don't want a boob antennae.  Ugh my poor boob - they are so jacked up.  My left one is so scarred and just is swollen and red with lymphedema all the time.  The physical therapy has helped a little and I am grateful for it but it's now about 3 times bigger than my other breast.  The right one is much smaller than it used to be before the surgery and there is a dent and a red scar that just hasn't changed for some reason.  I thought it would fade but it hasn't.  Well anyway most of the time I don't care but now I have all these scars and my body is wounded.  My arm has scars from the chemo.....the physical therapist (she's a new one) asked me what it was from.  She said "What happened there?"  I also - I don't know I kind of felt molested by her but also her job is to manipulate my breast so it was confusing.  I have no idea why I am writing all of this.  I guess it's because I have to go to the doctor tomorrow and I am just so fucking over it.  I just don't even know but guess what?  I have health insurance.  So there's that.  Also I am allowed to have feelings about all of this - it fucking sucks and for the most part I have had a great attitude and I've soldiered through.  My life will never be the same and I guess I should just accept it.  It's 11:55 pm and for some reason I am awake right now.  I just watched America's Got Talent - it makes me cry so hard.  I don't know.....I'm working hard - with the kids - working for my family, doing lots of shows and next week I am going back to my acting class.  I grocery shopped today and cooked tonight and did the dishes.  I'm here - I don't know.  I have to be more careful now - about my energy and what I take in.  It's all changed now and it was all changing anyway.  I don't know - I feel sad and I am crying.  Sometimes I want life to be less painful - don't we all?  But then I get to feel so many other wonderful things.  Honestly I am probably just hormonal and I haven't had sugar in 7 days.  I just have to take care of myself and that feels lonely for some reason.  Anyway hopefully I will get tired in a few minutes and can go to bed.  Thanks for reading - love you Bluebie bye.